WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted the couch cushion and spoke in a strained whisper as he urged all 330 million Americans to take his hand so that he would not have to be alone in his final moments. “Do you feel that chill in the air? Do you hear that whisper? It won’t be long now. I have grown weak, and I am so tired. So, so tired. Come close to me. Don’t be shy. I just want to see your faces one last time.” At press time, Biden added, “Not you,” while pointing to Vice President Kamala Harris.
Tag: Executive branch of the United States government
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Coy Biden Appears Nude Behind Folding Fan To Tease 2024 Run
WASHINGTON—Addressing members of the press corps with breathy coos and flirty air-kisses, a coy President Joe Biden reportedly appeared nude behind a folding fan Friday, presumably to tease a 2024 reelection campaign. “Run for president? Moi?” the leader of the free world asked with a shimmy and a wink, peeking over an undulating fan made of long silky feathers; teasing small glimpses of a pair of Biden 2024 nipple covers with red, white, and blue tassels; and swinging wildly as he approached reporters with a seductive, sensual strut. “I may throw my hat in the ring, and perhaps my gloves and stockings, too. Tee-hee! Did you want to see more of my potential platform? Ah, ah, ah, not just yet. Oopsie daisy, I think I just dropped a hint of when my official announcement might be. Let me just bend over very slowly and pick it up.” At press time, rumors of President Biden’s 2024 run were further substantiated when Vice President Kamala Harris was wheeled onto the stage in an oversized champagne glass.
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Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes.
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President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11
President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?
“America is ready to move onto its next preventable national emergency.”
Simone Wittich, Celebrity Handler
“I thought only Congress could end Covid.”
Dan Meiselas, Gravel Piler
“It’s hard to believe we were all so scared of a virus that’s only killed millions of people and hasn’t been eradicated yet.”
Dennis Wimberly, Statue Molder
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Bill Protecting Same-Sex Marriage Signed Into Law
President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?
“Yet another law that reminds me of how alone I am.”
Connor Drysdale, Can Tab Collector
“How do I explain to my kids that this threatens the sanctity of marriage when it’s my turn with them next weekend?”
Juliana Paben, Transit Specialist
“This will only make the Supreme Court angrier.”
Milo Porter, Needlepoint Instructor
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Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans
WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only a week away from a nationwide catastrophe in which we would have been forced to acknowledge the basic rights of these employees,” said President Biden, applauding lawmakers on both sides of the aisle who ensured rail workers would continue to be denied a benefit as humane as paid sick days. “So much of what Americans rely on is delivered by train—from clean water to food to gas—and the last thing we want is for the people responsible for transporting those goods to be able to stay home when they’re seriously ill. Thanks to this law, we can guarantee that no engineer driving 20,000 tons of freight across this great nation will be able to access healthcare without having their pay docked.” Biden went on to express confidence that next year, bipartisan legislation would be passed to ensure rail workers were no longer allowed to eat or sleep between shifts.
