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Tag: Dysfunctional relationships

  • Emotional Distance: Meaning, Causes, Signs, And Ways To Fix

    Emotional Distance: Meaning, Causes, Signs, And Ways To Fix

    Do you sense a significant gap between you and your partner even when you’re physically close? Does your partner appear disinterested in spending quality time? Are they avoiding intimacy? Are most of your conversations centered around practical matters — careers, schedules, household chores? Does it feel like you’ve exhausted topics to discuss? If the answer to these questions is ‘yes,’ then it’s likely that your bond is suffering from emotional distance.

    Dr. Jacqueline Olds, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, says in The Harvard Gazette, “You have a tidal-like motion of closeness and drifting apart, closeness and drifting apart [in relationships]… And you have to have one person have a ‘distance alarm’ to notice the drifting apart so there can be a reconnection.” And we’re glad you sounded the alarm.

    It’s impossible to be in tune with your partner all the time. However, working together to re-establish that connection after moments of disconnection is vital to make the relationship work. If this does not happen consistently, then there’s a problem. To understand the causes, signs, and how to fix emotional distance in a relationship, we spoke to Avantika Tripathi. She specializes in social anxiety, stress management, mindfulness, and relationship counseling through rational emotive and person-centered therapy.

    What Is Emotional Distance?

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    Before we get to the causes and signs of emotional distance in a marriage or relationship, let’s understand the meaning of the term. Avantika explains, “Emotional distance is a state in which partners start becoming disconnected from each other. Sometimes, they are not even aware of being emotionally distant. They only notice it when conflicts become serious and apparent.”

    In short, emotional distance in a relationship refers to a state where the emotional intimacy between partners weakens or becomes strained. It’s characterized by:

    • A sense of detachment
    • Lack of intimacy and emotional closeness
    • Communication issues
    • Unresolved conflicts
    • Personal stressors
    • Other significant changes in personal dynamics

    This emotional drifting occurs or develops slowly, making it easy to overlook until the gap becomes substantial. There are various reasons for this psychological distance, some related to your partner and others to yourself. Allowing it to persist in a relationship is unhealthy. This is why understanding emotional distancing and its causes is crucial.

    Related Reading: How Perfect Partners Drift Apart

    What Causes Emotional Distance In A Relationship?

    Avantika says, “There are many reasons that can make partners feel emotionally disconnected from each other. Not putting effort into the bond, escaping problems, and reluctance to solve relationship conflicts are common ones. It can also arise due to daily life problems like career and financial issues, causing relationship distress.”

    Emotional distance in a long-term relationship or marriage often develops over time. Though it’s a common phenomenon, understanding the causes can help couples identify and address prevalent issues before they lead to irreversible challenges. Here are a few common causes of emotional distance in a long-term relationship:

    1. You are always under stress

    “External factors such as work stress, financial pressure, or family issues can contribute to emotional distress, leading to distance between partners. Many times, one partner might already be dealing with issues that are causing stress, or even depression, resulting in a lack of passion to put effort into anything including the relationship. This can also cause emotional distance between two people,” Avantika says.

    What happens when you’re stressed all the time?

    • Chronic stress can seriously affect your physical health and emotional well-being
    • It eats away at the quality of your relationship and hardly leaves any room for emotional bonding
    • Your body is always alert or in fight-or-flight mode
    • Distancing yourself from someone you love becomes a habit and a way of life when you’re always under stress

    Sharing a client story, Avantika says, “Recently, a client was feeling distant in a relationship. She talked about the stress that exists in her and her partner’s professional life and how they are trying their best to make the relationship work, despite the emotional distance between them. It took three whole months to bring them emotionally close again and make them more aware of how to bridge the gap between them if it re-enters their relationship.”

    Related Reading: Relationship Advice For Couples – 25 Ways To Strengthen Your Bond

    2. You are either too needy or too distant

    In relationships, the perception of a partner being too needy or distant can initiate a vicious cycle. It looks like this:

    • Initially, a partner’s neediness prompts an emotional withdrawal or avoidance
    • This leads to extreme demands for explanations
    • This push and pull results in further emotional detachment
    • Eventually, the partner completely withdraws, fearing further criticism
    • This withdrawal aggravates emotional distress, contributing to a cycle of increased criticism and dissatisfaction
    • This pushes the partners even further away

    Anxiety arising from change in relationship dynamics may bring back memories of deep-seated wounds or trauma, especially for those with a history of attachment issues or past unhealthy relationships. If your wife or husband seems distant or you’re worried about your partner pulling away or you’ve been trying to distance yourself from someone who hurt you, attempts to regain that connection may ironically lead to further withdrawal, thereby causing more emotional distance.

    3. There is unresolved conflict and criticism in the relationship

    In a relationship, it’s natural to not appreciate every aspect of your partner. However, criticizing them for qualities that challenge you signifies deeper relationship problems and can lead to low self-esteem issues and harm your emotional attachment, whether you’re giving or receiving criticism. A healthy relationship thrives on acknowledging your partner’s positive aspects but also providing them with a safe space to navigate challenges together.

    Another aspect of this is unresolved conflict that builds tension, contributing to emotional distance. So if you’re feeling disconnected in a relationship, or struggling with feelings like “my husband is emotionally unavailable” or “my wife and I are drifting apart”, it could be because of your reluctance to engage in open discussions about sensitive topics. Here’s a recap of what breaks trust apart and creates barriers to emotional bonding:

    • Unresolved or ongoing fights and arguments
    • Past hurt
    • Constant criticism that’s not constructive
    • Valid criticism that challenges core beliefs

    You can see how being emotionally disengaged triggers a toxic relationship dynamic, leading to further emotional withdrawal. It indicates a vicious cycle of deeper relationship problems.

    Related Reading: 11 Expert Tips To Stop Being Toxic In A Relationship

    4. Emotional disconnection might indicate that you have major compatibility issues

    Another reason that you might be distancing yourself from someone you love is incompatibility. Here’s how it creates more emotional distance:

    • Lost familiarity: When too many differences persist, partners may find it challenging to sustain the emotional closeness that they felt earlier
    • Loneliness: The realization that essential needs or expectations aren’t met or the couple isn’t a perfect match can trigger feelings of frustration and loneliness
    • Confusion and lack of empathy: Partners may struggle to understand each other, in terms of choices and perspectives

    Initial chemistry often drives many couples into serious relationships, but as the novelty fades, disparities in certain aspects may surface, like:

    • Goals
    • Values
    • Expectations
    • Lifestyles
    • Love languages
    • Communication style

    Over time, such incompatibility issues affect the emotional bond between partners, making it difficult to sustain intimacy.

    5. There are serious communication problems in the relationship

    Avantika says, “Lack of communication can result in lack of intimacy and is one of the most common causes of emotional distance. It can slowly form a vivid gap, where people drift away and don’t even feel the need to bridge that gap.” It could be the reason that your wife or husband seems distant or you’ve been distancing yourself from someone you love.

    Watch out for these communication patterns:

    • Inadequate active listening
    • Lack of emotional expression
    • Avoiding difficult conversations
    • Not spending time together
    • Lack of communication or a difference in communication style can also lead to misunderstandings between partners

    Such issues contribute to unfulfilled emotional needs. If a partner feels unheard or misunderstood, they might emotionally withdraw to avoid additional frustration or disappointment. This pattern of ineffective communication fosters emotional distance over time, leading to more significant issues that may signal the need for a relationship counselor.

    Related Reading: Dating An Introvert – 11 Communication Hacks To Use

    7 Alarming Signs Of Emotional Distance In Your Relationship

    If you or your partner avoid talking about your feelings and worries, it’s a sign of emotional distance

    Now that we’ve talked about the causes of emotional distance in a relationship, let’s talk about how you can spot the early signs. Recognizing the signs of emotional distance is crucial for addressing the underlying issues and working toward a healthier relationship. Here are 7 alarming indicators that you might be experiencing emotional drifting in your romantic bond:

    1. There is a lack of physical intimacy and affection

    Avantika explains, “One of the signs you’ve been feeling distant in a relationship could be dying intimacy and romance. When two people don’t feel attraction or lack romantic expressions for one another, at least one partner will feel unhappy about it. And this will result in distance and intimacy issues in their relationship.”

    Challenges in emotional intimacy are intricately linked to difficulties in physical closeness and affection. The symbiotic relationship between emotional and physical intimacy is disrupted when emotional distance enters the equation. The once vibrant connection may dwindle. Expressions of love, once freely spoken, may fade away — a clear indication of emotional detachment.

    Here are the behavioral patterns that can signify discomfort or irritation, emphasizing the intrinsic link between physical and emotional connection:

    • A fizzling sex life
    • Lack of affectionate gestures
    • Avoidance of physical touch
    • Recoiling from kisses
    • Withdrawing during embraces
    • Absence of “I love you”

    2. If you’re in an emotionally distant relationship, your needs are not being met

    Emotional distance presents challenges in acknowledging, expressing, and fulfilling each other’s needs. How does that affect a couple? Let’s see:

    • Resentment: You face misalignment in attempts to meet each other’s needs which often leads to feelings of resentment in a relationship
    • Temptations: You start seeking fulfillment of physical and emotional needs outside the partnership. Emotional distance after infidelity is hard to repair
    • Mismatched expectations: This stems from uncommunicated differences, contributing further to the problem
    • Neglect: Your partner constantly prioritizes their own needs over yours, showing little concern for your well-being

    Avantika says, “When emotionally distant partners begin to overlook each other’s needs, it can result in silent disappointment. It can make you believe that it makes no sense to talk about your disappointment with your partner, so you start withdrawing emotionally. This creates a larger distance on mental and emotional grounds.”

    Related Reading: How To Deal With Resentment In Marriage? Expert Tells You

    3. You don’t share your feelings or worries with each other

    You were the person your partner shared everything with, but now they keep their feelings to themselves. When you ask, they don’t open up. And it seems like they are deliberately hiding their feelings from you, making you feel uncomfortable. If you or your partner avoid talking about your feelings and worries, it’s a sign of emotional distance and can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions about each other’s thoughts and actions.

    4. You seem to have lost interest in the relationship

    A study shows that in developing relationships, people use self-disclosure to increase intimacy through breadth (number of topics), depth (degree of intimacy in the interactions), and the norm of reciprocity (when the responder is obligated to disclose something at the same level of intimacy to maintain the norm or equity).

    So, when your partner seems disinterested in your life, it hints at emotional distance. If this curiosity wanes, it’s a concern as a healthy relationship involves both romance and friendship. Relationship trouble manifests in the following ways:

    • Neglecting to take an interest in your partner’s life, thus harming the foundation of your friendship
    • One-sided conversations
    • Attempts to spend quality time together are met with avoidance
    • A growing sense of isolation
    • Avoidance of discussions
    • Withdrawal from previously shared activities
    • Reluctance to plan a future together

    5. You don’t have your partner’s emotional support and empathy

    When you desperately seek your partner’s attention and express your feelings through tantrums or tears, their apparent numbness can make you feel unimportant. But what leads to this extreme stage where you demand their attention in this manner?

    Empathy, understanding, and sharing in each other’s feelings are crucial in any relationship. Absence of empathy signals a breakdown in emotional connection, revealing a partner’s inability or unwillingness to comprehend your emotions. This lack of emotional investment can lead to a dearth of support, leaving both individuals feeling isolated and emotionally neglected in tough times.

    In essence, the foundation of a healthy relationship relies on care for each other’s well-being. Avantika says, “Be it relationship or marriage, if partners are not cooperating with each other in important life situations, it can result in serious emotional distance and damage, often followed by a feeling of hopelessness and emotional turmoil.”

    Related Reading: 20 Questions To Build Emotional Intimacy And Bond With Your Partner On A Deeper Level

    6. Common signs of emotional distance: You are avoiding conflict and difficult conversations

    Emotional distance often arises from unresolved conflicts. You may want to fix the conflicts and disagreements in your relationship, but see if your partner reacts in one of the following ways:

    • They don’t seem interested in resolution
    • They’re not angry or frustrated, just indifferent
    • When you try to discuss issues, they respond with sighs or eye rolls

    Conflict is common in relationships, but a healthy one involves compromise and resolution. Open communication creates trust and understanding, and when it’s lacking, even small issues can pile up. So if one partner avoids tough conversations, it’s a sign of emotional distance.

    7. You are spending a lot of alone time or time apart

    Relationships can be complicated, needing the right mix of time together and apart. If you notice you and your partner spending a lot of time apart or alone, it might point to emotional distance. In a caring relationship, people naturally want to:

    • Be together
    • Share more moments together
    • Initiate phone calls
    • Use video chats to feel closer
    • Text each other

    This is especially true for long-distance relationships. When emotional distance exists, partners might prefer alone time over shared experiences, leading to less quality time together. Choosing individual activities or making excuses to avoid each other strengthens the emotional gap, causing feelings of detachment and loneliness in a relationship.

    How To Overcome Emotional Distance?

    More on relationship advice

    Some couples find it beneficial to view their relationship as a series of ‘seasons’ rather than a continuous journey. This perspective offers a fresh outlook and prevents hasty conclusions about the relationship’s fate. Recognizing that a new season is on the horizon diminishes the rush to solve problems urgently and allows partners to take mindful steps in a positive direction.

    Emotional distance develops gradually, so it requires some time and effort to reconnect. Addressing this problem will demand effort and commitment from both of you. Your partner being distant could just be a normal phase, but there are ways to bring them closer. Check out these strategies on how to fix emotional distance in a relationship:

    Related Reading: How To Not Feel Lonely When You Are Single And Looking For Love

    1. Introspect and try to figure out the root cause of the emotional distance

    Reflect on your own feelings and needs in the relationship. Are there underlying issues contributing to your suspicions or insecurities or frustrations? Once you identify the root cause of the emotional distance, you can initiate steps to rebuild the emotional bond, given both partners are committed. This might include:

    • Dedicating time to meaningful conversations
    • Participating in shared activities
    • Expressing appreciation for each other
    • Going out on dates
    • Doing household chores together

    Allen Barton, the lead of a 2023 study, says that gratitude is “an important piece to the puzzle of romantic relationships that hasn’t gotten much attention in research studies until recently. And in couple relationships, it’s not just about being appreciative ‘for’ your partner but also about feeling appreciated ‘by’ your partner.”

    2. Seek couple’s therapy to cope with the emotionally distant relationship

    Avantika explains, “Therapy can help you start recognizing the issues that are causing emotional distance and what you can do to overcome the problem. It will help you understand things better and fill you with positivity and motivation to work around the problem. Interpersonal Therapy, Behaviour Activation, CBT, and therapies that revolve around couple’s counseling can help a lot in reducing and treating the intimacy and communication breakdown.”

    Exploring couples therapy or clinical psychology can be incredibly helpful. A couple’s therapist can assist in uncovering the reasons behind the emotional distance in your relationship and recommend personal connection exercises, creating the potential for:

    • Lasting positive impact
    • Enhancing communication skills
    • Strengthening the bond
    • Fostering feelings of attunement and passion
    • A smoother healing process for both of you, individually and together

    If you’re stuck in a similar situation, you can always reach out to Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists for help.

    3. Have an open and honest conversation

    Avantika explains, “Communication is the best technique to address and heal emotional distance between partners. Talk more, and in a way where you show concern and your partner feels heard and seen. Often, when a person does not feel seen or heard, they take a step back mentally, where they don’t share what they feel about the whole equation.

    Mel, a 29-year-old Bonobology reader from Utah, shares what they did to heal and promote emotional bonding in their marriage, “My cold distant husband used to feel more comfortable walking away from issues. This way, he distanced himself even more. Slowly, we learned to talk in a way where we were willing to give our complete attention to each other. We learned about our perspectives in a whole new way.”

    If you’re faced with a “my husband is emotionally unavailable” crisis like Mel, instead of making assumptions, try:

    • Open communication with your partner
    • Share your feelings and concerns in a calm and non-confrontational manner
    • Work on rebuilding trust together
    • Be transparent and committed to each other

    Related Reading: Happy Marriage Tips When You Are An Emotionally Distant Person

    4. Put in effort and show active interest to repair the bond

    According to Avantika, “Often, when partners don’t show interest in learning about each other’s lives, it can create a lot of distance. So, try to know about various factors of their life like growth, failure, happiness, and sadness. This will help both partners get the missing closeness and positivity back in the relationship.”

    She explains, “Many times, people simply stop putting effort into a relationship, thinking it can sustain and grow on its own, which is why distance is bound to enter your dynamic. Remember, making an effort is a sign that you still care for your emotionally distant partner.”

    5. Focus on your goals and take care of yourself

    Maintain a balance in your actions and avoid appearing too eager to attain the emotional connection you desire. Creating space in a relationship is important. Sometimes, displaying desperation can push your partner away. Focus on personal growth and your interests while allowing time to play its role.

    Independence can actually bring you and your partner closer. When your partner senses that you’re excessively focused on them or their aspirations, it may seem like you’re neglecting your own needs. Even when your significant other is distant emotionally, allocate time for the activities you love and strive toward your personal goals. Your partner will appreciate seeing your self-directed energy and the fact that you’re not too dependent on them.

    Key Pointers

    • Emotional distance is a common phenomenon in relationships but if you work together to re-establish the emotional connection, you can overcome it
    • Communication problems, chronic stress, unresolved conflicts, and compatibility issues are some of the causes of emotional distance
    • If you or your partner prefer to spend a lot of alone time and lack physical intimacy and affection in your relationship, there are high chances emotional distance is the issue
    • Not sharing your feelings with each other, not showing empathy or giving emotional support, loss of interest in the relationship, and unmet needs are a few other signs of distance in a relationship
    • Understanding the root cause of the issue, communicating honestly with your partner, seeking couple’s therapy, giving space, and showing compassion when it’s hard can help fix emotional distance between partners

    “External factors will always affect the quality of a relationship. Every couple goes through emotional distance in their lives at least once. It is inevitable due to various reasons. But when partners carry a mindset to resolve issues, they can overcome any distance that comes between them,” Avantika concludes her views on how to fix emotional distance in a relationship.

    Just remember this: Emotional distance in a marriage or relationship, if overlooked, can cause significant harm. While addressing it may be challenging and time-consuming, it doesn’t necessarily signify the end of the relationship. If you’re currently grappling with emotional distance, waiting for it to resolve itself may not be the most effective approach. Striking a balance between emotional attachment and maintaining independence is the key to loving bond.

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  • 11 Signs He Is Forcing Himself To Love You

    11 Signs He Is Forcing Himself To Love You

    “Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought,” said Nobel Prize-winning author Pearl S. Buck. Perhaps the idea of love stated in this quote is a bit dated, as we all know that even the most loving relationship needs genuine effort from both the partners. And if you’re the only one making all the effort and your partner just gets by doing the bare minimum (or not even that), it’s time to open your eyes to the signs he is forcing himself to love you.

    Well, love isn’t a cake walk for any of us, but it’s hard to ignore the signs of fake love from a guy. Moreover, such one-sided relationships can ruin your self-esteem in the long run and damage your mental health too. So, do you often wonder, “Is he in love with me?” What can you do to address such a lack of love? Wondering why men fake relationships? Why do they lead you on when they don’t love you? Let’s delve deeper into this issue and find out the signs of fake love and a few tips to handle this situation.

    11 Signs He Pretends To Love You – He’s Forcing Himself To Stay In The Relationship

    So, what are the signs of fake love from a guy? Well, do you find yourself walking on eggshells to please him? In such cases, you may try to seek validation from your man by appeasing him. But he may reject all such efforts and seem offended nonetheless. He may also be irritated by your constant efforts to connect with him.

    If you feel you are begging for love or trying your best not to offend him when you’re together, chances are the love between you two isn’t real. He is most likely forcing himself to love you. Let’s look at a few more signs he is forcing himself to love you.

    1. You find yourself initiating everything

    One of the glaring signs he is forcing himself to love you is when you have to initiate everything. Most often, you’ll find him making excuses to be absent from important events of your life and avoiding making any effort. He may also cancel plans at the last moment. In such cases, you’ll find yourself messaging first always, you’ll be the one who’s always planning dates, and you’ll end up initiating physical intimacy too. This is a major hint that he is just pretending to love you.

    Related Reading: 6 Signs He Is Losing Interest In You

    2. He tries to change you

    When men aren’t dating someone they love, they often try and change their partners to suit their needs. So, if you find your husband or boyfriend trying to change your personality or choices, it’s one of the major signs he is lying about loving you. In such cases, you may find him:

    • Criticizing your looks or dress sense
    • Asking you to get a hair cut of his choice
    • Telling you that your career doesn’t suit you

    3. He zones out often

    When men fake relationships, they often don’t pay attention to what their wife or girlfriend is saying. Has your man started getting absent-minded too frequently these days? This could be one of the signs he pretends to love you. In such cases, he might:

    • Zone out in the middle of conversations with you
    • Keep his answers short, such as “Yeah” or “You’re right.”

    Related Reading: How To Get Him Interested Again Fast – 18 Surefire Ways

    4. He avoids planning for the future

    A sign of a healthy relationship is a sound future plan, where you two chart out the progress you want in terms of kids, careers, and material dreams, such as a house or a car. If you find any future planning absent from your relationship, it could be one of the major signs he is lying about loving you. It shows he isn’t fully invested in the connection.

    5. He compares you to his past lovers

    Often, when men force themselves to be in relationships just for the sex or for social acceptance, they can’t forget what real love feels like. And in such cases, they may compare you with their exes whom they once loved truly. This is because they aren’t emotionally invested in the relationship with you.

    Signs of fake love from a guy
    There are many signs of fake love from a guy

    6. He flirts around with other women

    You’ll often find yourself asking yourself, “Is he in love with me?” when your man flirts around often. A roving eye often shows that your partner or husband is not really in love with you. In such cases, there could be underlying issues too, such as lack of intimacy. But mostly, when a man flirts around with other women, especially in your presence, it’s a clear sign he’s feigning love. He might even do this with renewed vigor when he notices signs you
    are begging for love.

    Related Reading: 8 Reasons Why A Man Loses Interest In A Woman

    7. He asks you if you need some space

    Many men may be in the relationship even if it has turned into a boring and uninspiring one, only to make sure they don’t hurt you. In such cases, they may not speak up or state that they need a break. But they may ask you if you need a break from the relationship.

    8. He doesn’t involve his parents

    Traditionally, it is believed that if he is truly interested, he would want you to meet his family. But if you have been together for a considerable amount of time and he still avoids introducing you to his family, or keeps you away from his parents even on special occasions, such as his birthday, chances are, he is pretending to love you.

    Related Reading: 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation

    9. He avoids difficult conversations

    A sign of a healthy relationship is the ability and willingness to have open communication with your partner, no matter how difficult the topic may be. If you find he is shying away from discussing matters such as your sexual incompatibility, the lack of quality time, or the presence of a third person in your relationship, he could be faking his feelings.

    10. Your connection is superficial

    So, you’ve been dating your SO for over 6 months now, but the conversations don’t go beyond his favorite Netflix show. You also hardly see him apart from dinner dates, and even then, you two mostly talk about the quality of the food. Well, it seems like your connection hasn’t gone beyond the superficial level, and this is one of the glaring signs he faked it throughout.

    Related Reading: 35 Serious Relationship Questions To Know Where You Stand

    11. He’s always fighting

    This one is a sure-shot giveaway. He is always in a bad mood, even when you two are traveling to exotic locales or going on expensive dates. A friend of mine, Casie, once told me how she was taken aback when her then-husband got into a bitter fight with her while traveling to the Taj Mahal, over the fact that she loved posing for photos. Imagine fighting at the place that’s known to be the very symbol of love. Casie and her husband divorced after a month. Men in such situations don’t mellow down even if they see signs you are begging for love.

    Why Would Someone Pretend To Love You? 5 Possible Reasons

    So, in this era of social media relationships and dating and marriage apps, the burning question is, “Why would someone pretend to love you?” Well, faking love isn’t just something a Casanova would do. Even nice guys fake love at times. And it’s not just because of sinister intentions. There could be many underlying causes. Let’s unravel some of the
    reasons behind a guy pretending to love you:

    1. Social expectations

    Society has made being with a girl a sign of bravado for men. And social expectations often make men pretend to love women just to have someone by their side. Here are a few instances:

    ● You are a trophy to him: Often, men treat women as an ego-booster, and showing off a woman (or multiple women) that they have scored becomes a man’s way of climbing up the ladder of social acceptance or pumping up his self-esteem. Such men treat women as conquests and have zero intention to love them
    ● They appear responsible: It is generally believed that being in a relationship or marriage makes a man more responsible. No matter the fallacies with this assumption, men live up to this false benchmark of responsibility
    ● They are eligible for certain roles/benefits: In many cases, married men get certain benefits at their workplaces or other places. They leverage their relationships to bargain for a better salary or better job role, saying they now have a lot more on their plate

    Signs he pretends to love youSigns he pretends to love you
    Men sometimes pretend to love women because of social expectations

    2. You are his ‘sugar momma’

    In some cases, men pretend to love women when the relationship is financially beneficial to them. And if sugar daddies exist, so do sugar mommas. Men, especially if they’re younger than their female partners, expect them to be their providers, be it something as simple as paying on a date, taking them out on expensive vacations, or showering them with pricey gifts. And some men may stick to a relationship just for the monetary benefits. So, when you find yourself footing the bill always, take it as one of the signs he is trying to trap you financially.

    3. To get over an ex or get back at her

    Men hate being losers. Especially if they’ve been dumped by a woman they really valued and loved. If a man is pretending to love you, he could well be:

    • Trying to make an ex jealous
    • Trying to make himself feel better or cope with his break-up

    Related Reading: 10 Signs He Is Still In Love With Your Ex And Misses Her

    4. To achieve a certain status

    Women aren’t the only ones looking for social status when they get into a long-term relationship or get married. In these days of feminism and gender equality, men too are increasingly looking for women who can either match up to their status in society or can help them achieve a certain status. Don’t be surprised if a man fakes his love just to get attached to your family name and the benefits that come with it.

    5. He’s not sure

    Men may also pretend to love you if they aren’t sure of themselves yet but need a relationship to fill a void in their lives. Here are a few instances:

    • He is yet to zero in on a preferred career choice and wants to fill that void with a relationship
    • He is unsure of the kind of woman he wants and tries his luck with every girl
    • He is not sure if he wishes to commit but wants to keep you hanging because he wants sex
    Communication issuesCommunication issues

    What To Do If He Is Forcing Himself To Love You — 5 Tips

    What do you do when a relationship feels forced? Well, it’s never easy to accept the fact that your partner isn’t being true to you and is faking his love and care. You may be in denial for days, and when you eventually realize the truth, you may have lost precious years of your life trying to make things work or may have unknowingly harmed your health and emotional well-being, worrying about the relationship. But how can you better manage such a situation? Here are 5 tips to help you deal with a man when you spot the signs he is forcing himself to love you:

    1. Communicate

    Whenever you see signs he never loved you, communicate. Remember, the first step, though not the easiest, is to find out the whys behind his pretense. In order to address an issue, you need to be sure that it exists in the first place. And there’s no alternative to an open and honest communication in such cases. Here are some tips for communicating with him:

    • Choose a place where you’re both comfortable and relaxed. It could be your home or a cafe
    • Ask him what’s bothering him and whether he is serious about you two
    • Make sure you maintain eye-contact and an even tone
    • Maintain positive body language while communicating

    If he’s just bored with the relationship, you may find out why and then try to address the shortcomings. But if he feels the relationship may not work out at all, do some soul-searching and decide whether quitting is a better choice.

    Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips

    2. Stop forcing the bond

    If you realize that you’re forcing a relationship, the choice is yours to stop pushing him to make things work. A Reddit user too agrees. She stresses on the importance of looking at the actions of your SO and spotting the red flags. In such cases:

    • Stop forcing love or waiting for him to accept you
    • Don’t blame, shame, or become abusive
    • Don’t go guilt-tripping in the relationship to have him back
    • Let go of things that aren’t in your control
    • Maintain mutual respect

    3. Detach

    A great way to deal with a man who’s forcing himself to be with you is to detach temporarily. If he’s unsure now, he may realize later that he misses you and has true feelings for you and then be willing to work on himself. If he doesn’t care, you’ll know it’s time to end the relationship.

    Related Reading: Why Has My Husband Lost Interest In Me Sexually?

    4. Focus on yourself

    Stop forcing a relationship and making your man the focus of your existence. Make the relationship a value addition. Focus on yourself by:

    • Taking day-offs for a spa day
    • Going on a solo trip
    • Focusing on activities you love, such as reading, painting, or pottery
    • Spending time with your trusted friends

    5. Talk to a counselor

    If you find yourself being deeply affected by the fact that your boyfriend or husband is just pretending to love you, speak to a relationship counselor. After all, nobody can help you better in such cases than a professional. In case you wish to consult a mental health professional, Bonobology’s panel of expert counselors are here for you.

    Key Pointers

    • The signs your man isn’t invested in the relationship and that he is forcing himself to
      love you may include him trying to change you, you initiating everything, him
      avoiding difficult conversations, him not planning the future and zoning out often
    • There can be many reasons behind fake love of a man, such as social expectations,
      financial issues, an aspiration for a higher status, or getting over an ex
    • You can address signs he never loved you by communicating openly, not forcing the
      connection, detaching, focusing on yourself, and consulting a counselor

    We hope you’re no longer wondering whether your SO is forcing himself to love you. And we also hope you aren’t still googling “Is he in love with me?” or are lost trying to find out the ways to manage such a situation. Remember, nobody’s perfect, and that includes your man. So, if you see clear signs he pretends to love you, instead of blaming him for cheating, not respecting your genuine feelings, or not committing to you, try focusing on the deeper issues that may be causing him to fake his love. But above all, be true to yourself. Do you really want to be a partner who’s forcing love? Do you wish to spend time wondering if the wrong person loves you or not? Or do you wish to focus on a mutually rewarding and healthy relationship with a man who shows interest and genuinely loves you? The choice is yours!

    15 Warning Signs Your Partner Is Losing Interest In The Relationship

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  • Understanding Hysterical Bonding: What It Is And Why It Happens

    Understanding Hysterical Bonding: What It Is And Why It Happens

    Hysterical bonding refers to an intense and often strained emotional or sexual connection between partners, following a crisis or betrayal in their relationship. In a committed relationship, it’s important to push healthy jealousy by openly expressing your feelings and boundaries. It helps in maintaining trust and respect in your relationship while interacting with others. However, when you find out your partner cheated on you, you may experience a wave of intense hysterical emotions. But what transpires if your emotions suddenly steer off-course? What if, in spite of your suffering, there is a desire to reunite with them, to soothe them, or to win them back? Confusion, loss and discomfort from the hurt of betrayal, despair, wrath, and even violence are all common reactions. 

    In this article, our expert, relationship coach Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, addresses the issues regarding hysterical bonding and provides her valuable tips to effectively deal with the situation.

    Understanding Hysterical Bonding: What It Is And Why It Happens

    In recent years, hysterical bonding has attracted more and more attention as a psychological phenomenon, particularly in the context of romantic relationships and sexual affairs. It is a complicated and frequently perplexing emotional reaction that occurs when a person learns the other partner has cheated on them or has done something else that could threaten the relationship. This reaction is marked by a spike of emotional and sexual intimacy between the pair.

    The phrase ‘hysterical bonding’ was created to explain the seemingly contradictory behavior of getting closer to a partner who has caused you grief and emotional distress. One partner cheating on the other can be very stressful. Psychologists, therapists, and people negotiating the nuances of infidelity have all expressed interest in this idea. Understanding the causes of hysterical bonding is essential for anyone trying to make sense of their own experiences or support family members going through infidelity.

    Let’s learn how hysterical bonding affects people and take a look at some of its long term effects:

    Related Reading: 15 Worrying Signs You Are Begging For Love

    Why Does Hysterical Bonding Happen?

    Hysterical bonding occurs as a response to significant relationship crises, often involving betrayal, infidelity, or a perceived threat to the stability of the relationship. A dead bedroom can also lead to romantic relationship challenges, causing emotional distance and dissatisfaction between partners. Several psychological and emotional factors contribute to this phenomenon. Here are some of them:

    1. Fear of loss

    The primary driving force behind hysterical bonding is one partner’s fear of losing the relationship. When a crisis jeopardizes the connection, individuals may experience intense anxiety and insecurity about the future of their relationship. This fear of abandonment or separation can evoke strong feelings.

    Nandita says, “Hysterical bonding is a psychological response that can occur in relationships when a crisis, such as infidelity, occurs. It’s a way for individuals to cope with the intense emotions and pain associated with such situations.”

    2. Emotional turmoil

    The crisis itself generates a surge of anger, especially emotions such as betrayal, hurt, and confusion, and in some cases, even physical pain. These powerful feelings can create a need for emotional comfort and support. 

    During the phase of hysterical bonding, one partner sees the other in a new light, as the intense emotions and heightened connection reveal both the vulnerabilities and strengths of the relationship. Hysterical bonding becomes a way for partners to seek solace and constant reassurance in each other’s presence during this turbulent period.

    Related Reading: Emotional Dumping Vs. Venting: Differences, Signs, And Examples

    3. Desire for reassurance

    When trust is shattered or when a relationship is on the brink of collapse, the betrayed partner often seeks reassurance that the relationship can be salvaged. The intensified emotional and physical connection in the hysterical bonding phase can provide this reassurance, at least temporarily.

    Nandita explains, “During hysterical bonding, one partner may feel overwhelmed by the pain inflicted by the cheating partner. Simultaneously, they may grapple with feelings of inadequacy and may blame themselves for the relationship breakdown.”

    Constant need for reassurance is one of the reasons behind hysterical bonding

    4. Attachment and bonding 

    Hysterical bonding can be seen as a manifestation of our natural attachment and bonding mechanisms. In times of crisis, humans have a tendency to seek support from loved ones. When handled maturely, mild jealousy can give partners the chance to reaffirm their commitment to one another and deepen their emotional bond.

    It’s an instinctive response to emotional distress. In general, a guy’s behavior after a breakup can range from seeking new relationships to taking time to heal and reflect independently. 

    5. Coping mechanism

    Hysterical bonding serves as a coping mechanism to deal with the emotional turmoil caused by the crisis. The heightened intimacy provides a sense of stability and security in an otherwise chaotic and messy situation.

    Nandita explains, “The fear of losing the relationship can intensify the desire to continue it despite the hurt. This fear often propels individuals into a mode of desperately trying to salvage what remains.”

    6. Desire to repair and reconnect

    In many cases, individuals genuinely want the relationship to be sustained forever and to repair the damage done to it. Hysterical bonding can be an initial step toward reconciliation, as it fosters open communication and a willingness to address the issues that led to the crisis. Amid the tumultuous storm of hysterical bonding, people yearn for the forever calm waters of stability and emotional healing in their relationship.

    7. Hope for a better future

    Despite the pain and turmoil, individuals may hold onto the hope that the relationship can be better than it was before the crisis. Hysterical bonding can be driven by the belief that their connection is worth salvaging and improving upon. According to research, borderline personality disorder can intensify the emotional distress experienced during hysterical bonding.

    Related Reading: What Is Future Faking? Signs And How Narcissists Use Future Faking

    What Are The Signs Of Hysterical Bonding?  

    Identifying signs of hysterical bonding in a relationship is crucial for understanding the dynamics at play during a crisis and the potential impact on both partners. Some people find themselves unexpectedly turned on by infidelity in fantasy or role-play scenarios, but it’s important to distinguish between fantasy and the real-life consequences of infidelity on relationships and mutual trust.

    Nandita explains, “Hysterical bonding often surfaces when a crisis, like infidelity, shakes the foundation of a relationship. It’s a reaction to the emotional turmoil and betrayal that one partner has caused.”

    Here are some hysterical bonding signs and the behaviors associated with them:

    1. Intense emotional connection

    One of the most prominent signs of hysterical and trauma bonding is an unusually intense emotional connection from one partner. During the phase of hysterical bonding, a person may exhibit intense emotions and actions, driven by a desire to reconnect with their partner and bridge the emotional gap. This can manifest as heightened expressions of love, physical affection, and attachment. Partners may become more verbally affirming of their feelings for each other.

    2. Heightened physical intimacy

    Hysterical bonding is indicated by a spike in the physical intimacy in a relationship, thus affecting one’s sex life for the better. When the once passionate relationship turns into a dead bedroom scenario due to infidelity, it leads to hysterical bonding. On a similar note, some people may find themselves unexpectedly turned on by infidelity in fictional stories or fantasies, as the forbidden nature of such situations can sometimes trigger heightened arousal. 

    When facing repercussions from betrayal, partners frequently seek more sex to reaffirm their bond and dedication, probably trying to get back the impressive sex life they once had. This heightened physicality makes them initiate sex more often, thus offering reassurance and affirmation. This may involve acting like everything is okay, to bridge the emotional split.

    Nandita says, “People in a state of hysterical bonding may resort to increased emotional and sexual advances as a positive way to escape the pain and uncertainty. They might believe that by doing so, they can regain a sense of control or normalcy.”

    3. Fear and insecurity

    People frequently struggle with increased anxiety and low self-esteem about the future of their relationship during hysterical bonding. This makes them blindly dependent on their partner’s decision. A deep-seated fear of losing their relationship might be evoked by the emotional anguish and anxiety of abandonment. Clinginess or possessiveness might be a result of this fear, as they feel desperate and guilty to hold on to each other and stop any additional emotional suffering. And these actions come from a position of vulnerability.

    4. Desire for reassurance

    One of the most common hysterical bonding signs is the desire for constant reassurance. People frequently have a strong need for affirmation from one another in case of such bonding. They may experience extreme anxiety about the future of their relationship as a result of the emotional turmoil that comes with a crisis such as infidelity or splitting up. They actively look for reassurance in an effort to calm these fears. The very thought of separation haunts them. They may have:

    • An ongoing desire for reassurances that their relationship is still intact
    • A need for physical displays of affection like embraces and kisses
    • A thirst for affirmations 

    5. Overcoming betrayal or crisis

    Typically, hysterical bonding occurs after infidelity in a relationship. This bonding technique is frequently used by partners to deal with the intense feelings of hurt and disappointment that result from such betrayals. In this situation, an extreme emotional and physical connection serves as a bridge over the gap of betrayal, allowing partners to temporarily ease the stress and work toward reestablishing trust. The bottom line is that it’s a difficult procedure meant to mend a broken relationship.

    6. Mixed emotions

    Partners caught up in hysterical bonding frequently experience an emotional rollercoaster paired with self-doubt. This difficult and complicated process may cause a flurry of negative emotions, including rage, despair, hurt, and uncertainty. These feelings are triggered by the immediate shock of an infidelity, making it difficult to act rationally. This mental turmoil might cause unanticipated behavior. In an effort to shield themselves from additional suffering, they could alternate between clinging to their relationship with all their might and pushing their partner away. Such behavior highlights the difficult dynamics of hysterical bonding and the importance of communication and understanding in such stressful circumstances.

    Related Reading: Here’s How Being Clingy In A Relationship Can Sabotage It

    7. Neglecting underlying issues

    Hysterical bonding might unintentionally compel partners to avoid resolving the underlying causes of the problem at hand. The necessity for open and perhaps difficult conversations about the underlying issues might be overshadowed by the urge to recover the intimacy they previously shared. It provides some relief from the suffering and an illusion of normalcy amid the chaos. However, ignoring the underlying reasons for the breakdown can be harmful in the long run because unresolved problems frequently recur, possibly causing further conflict.

    8. Immediate focus on repair

    The emotional turmoil of situations such as adultery or a separation results in a strong desire for a quick reconciliation.  This causes people to feel as though they may soon lose everything. They might prioritize the relationship first and foremost as a result, while sometimes neglecting other facets of their lives, such as jobs, hobbies, or self-care. 

    A rapid healing process is preferred because of a deep fear of losing the bond they love. While their intensity may be a sign of their commitment, it’s important to maintain personal well-being than focus on a probable reconciliation.

    Nandita says, “Hysterical bonding is not a sustainable, long-term solution for relationship issues. It’s more of an immediate response to a crisis, and it might not address the root causes of the problems within the relationship.”

    more on dysfunctional relationships

    9. Reluctance to seek help

    Partners entrenched in hysterical bonding may resist seeking external assistance or therapy to confront the root causes of their relationship crisis. They might hold on to the belief that their intensified connection alone can heal the wounds and rebuild trust. This reluctance to seek professional guidance may delay the resolution of underlying issues that may have contributed to the crisis in the first place, prolonging the pain and uncertainty.

    10. Temporary nature

    Hysterical bonding offers temporary relief, as it typically tends to reach its peak in the immediate aftermath of a crisis, when overwhelming emotions run high. But it may gradually diminish as strong emotions stabilize or as the original issues resurface. A guy’s behavior after a breakup will depend on his individual emotional coping mechanism. Maybe he once actively pursued you, but has stopped now. The ephemeral nature of hysterical bonding underscores the importance of addressing the root causes of long-term relationship health. 

    Related Reading: Dos And Don’ts In A Long-Term Relationship

    11. Unhealthy dependency

    In certain instances, hysterical bonding creates an unhealthy emotional dependency between partners. They may become overly reliant on their relationship to provide emotional stability, creating a codependent dynamic and throwing their self-esteem and self-worth under the bus. 

    This can be problematic when it hinders individual growth and autonomy, potentially perpetuating a cycle of emotional instability if the relationship faces further challenges. Recognizing and addressing this dependency is crucial for achieving a healthier, more balanced partnership.

    How To Navigate Hysterical Bonding And Heal Yourself

    Is hysterical bonding good? Well, never. So, what comes after hysterical bonding? Overcoming hysterical bonding and healing yourself in the aftermath of a relationship crisis can be challenging but is essential for long-term emotional well-being. Here are some steps to help you cope with hysterical bonding:

    1. Recognize hysterical bonding

    Hysterical bonding makes a person vulnerable. It is a psychological phenomenon where individuals in crisis experience difficult emotions and an unhealthy attachment to their partner. It’s crucial to acknowledge this phenomenon when facing a relationship crisis. Hysterical bonding after a breakup is also pretty common. Understand that even hysterical emotions, like all other emotions, such as fear or insecurity, are normal responses to such situations. Only after recognizing this, can you begin to manage and address these feelings effectively.

    2. Seek support from trusted individuals

    During a relationship crisis, isolation can worsen emotional turmoil. Reach out to friends, family members, or a support group to provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and gain perspective on your situation. Make them knock some common sense into you so you don’t end up making impulsive decisions. Connecting with others who care about you can offer emotional support and prevent you from feeling alone in your struggles. They can help you stop hysterical bonding, even in the future.

    3. Reflect on underlying issues

    What comes after hysterical bonding? To heal and move forward, it’s crucial to identify and understand the root causes of the crisis. Whether it’s infidelity, betrayal, or any other significant event, take time to reflect on what led to this point in your relationship. Recognizing these issues is a fundamental step toward finding solutions and preventing future crises. 

    Nandita suggests, “While hysterical bonding may offer temporary relief, it’s not a substitute for addressing the underlying issues that led to the crisis in the relationship. Long-term healing and resolution typically require open and honest communication between both partners to understand, address, and potentially overcome the issues at hand.”

    4. Prioritize self-care

    Managing emotional and physical well-being is essential during a relationship crisis. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as:

    • Exercise
    • Meditation
    • Hobbies
    • Spending time with loved ones 

    People should view a little jealousy like a positive aspect in a relationship, as it creates an environment of mutual respect and confidence. Self-care not only helps you regain emotional balance but also strengthens your resilience to face challenges.

    5. Set healthy boundaries

    While reconnecting with your partner is important, it’s equally vital to establish healthy relationship boundaries to avoid becoming overly dependent on the relationship. Healthy jealousy may encourage people to talk honestly about their emotions and limits, building trust and understanding. Maintain your individuality and interests to ensure a balanced and healthy dynamic that promotes personal growth for both you and your partner. Here are some ways to create healthy boundaries:

    • Respect personal space: Accept that you and your partner need your own space and time for your own activities. Set aside time for hobbies, friends, and self-care activities. Respect for each other’s need for privacy promotes independence and prevents interdependence
    • Define emotional boundaries: Be clear about your emotional boundaries. Let your partner know what actions or words can make you feel better, and vice versa. Establishing these boundaries can prevent misunderstandings and emotional conflict
    • Promote trust and understanding: Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Keep each other informed about your actions, plans, and social interactions. Avoid secrets or hidden policies, as these can erode trust and lead to boundary violations

    6. Initiate open communication

    Effective communication is essential for addressing the underlying issues and rebuilding trust. Initiate honest conversations with your partner and share your feelings, concerns, and fears. Encourage your partner to do the same, creating a safe and open environment for dialogue. Here are some things to consider:

    • Choosing the right time and place: Find a quiet place where your partner can have a distraction-free conversation. Timing is important
    • Active listening: Give your partner your full attention while he or she is speaking. Practice active listening by nodding, making eye contact, and offering verbal affirmations such as “I understand” or “Tell me more.”
    • Infidelity disclosure details: Sharing infidelity disclosure details can be a difficult and emotional process, but it’s an important step for couples who want to restore trust and transparency after infidelity

    Related Reading: Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Signs, Causes, And Ways To Overcome

    7. Consider professional help

    Hysterical bonding after a breakup is pretty common, but in cases of severe or complex crises, seeking professional counseling or therapy is a wise choice. A trained therapist or a licensed psychologist can guide both you and your partner through this rough emotional terrain, helping you identify the root causes and providing strategies for healing and growth.

    8. Use the crisis for personal growth

    View the crisis as an opportunity for personal development and self-improvement as a human being. Explore self-help resources, books, or workshops that enhance your emotional resilience and communication skills. This proactive approach can lead to positive changes in yourself and your relationship.

    9. Embrace forgiveness

    Forgiveness, while not condoning hurtful actions, allows you to release emotional burdens and move forward. Extend forgiveness to your partner and yourself. Forgiving yourself is particularly important, as individuals often blame themselves during relationship crises.

    hysterical bonding after breakup
    Forgiving yourself and each other might help you navigate through hysterical bonding

    10. Track progress

    Monitor your emotional progress and the intensity of your bonding over time. Are you making positive strides toward resolution, or are you stuck in a cycle of hysterical bonding? Adjust your approach as needed to ensure you are moving toward healthier emotional states.

    11. Seek closure

    Depending on the situation, seeking closure may be necessary. This could involve:

    Confrontation: Confronting the person responsible for the problem and making them accept responsibility, or finding internal closure through acceptance and understanding, allowing you to move forward with clarity

    Rushing: Closure should not be rushed. It’s a personal journey that can take time and thought. Put your emotional health and well-being first throughout the process

    Looking within: Alternatively, the closure may also be internal. It means finding balance within yourself through acceptance and understanding. It’s about being equal to the situation, forgiving when necessary, and giving yourself permission to move forward with clarity.

    12. Be patient

    Healing from a relationship crisis is a gradual process that demands time, patience, and effort. Be patient with both yourself and your partner as you work through the issues together. Rushing the process can hinder long-term recovery.

    Related Reading: 7 Steps To Find Peace After A Toxic Relationship

    13. Individual therapy

    Besides couples therapy, consider individual therapy for yourself. This provides a valuable space to process emotions, gain insight into your reactions, and develop coping strategies tailored to your unique needs.

    Nandita explains, “It’s crucial for both partners to recognize that hysterical bonding is a coping mechanism triggered by intense emotions. Understanding this can lead to a more compassionate and empathetic approach to dealing with the situation.”

    14. Assess the relationship

    Ultimately, assess whether the relationship is healthy and worth salvaging. Sometimes, despite efforts at healing, a relationship may not be in your best interest. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being, making choices that align with your long-term happiness and personal growth.

    Key Pointers

    • Hysterical bonding mainly happens in response to adultery. The fear of losing the relationship causes a spike in emotional and physical intimacy between the partners
    • Fear of loss, turbulent emotions, a need for reassurance, attachment issues, a desire to mend and reconnect, hope for a better future, and even pathological dependency are factors that contribute to hysterical bonding
    • Intense emotional bonding; increased physical intimacy, anxiety, and uncertainty; and a persistent need for assurance are all indicators of hysterical bonding
    • Individuals should focus on self-care, set healthy boundaries, engage in open communication, and consider getting professional help from a relationship expert recover from this situation
    • For a stable, long-lasting relationship, partners must address the underlying reasons of and look for healthy ways to reestablish emotional connection and trust

    Hysterical bonding happens in the wake of relationship crises such as infidelity, betrayal, or impending breakups. During these challenging moments, couples may experience a strong, almost compulsive emotional and physical attachment. Hysterical bonding is frequently a transitory stage following a crisis, despite the fact that it might be a natural reaction to the fear of losing a relationship.

    For individuals and couples dealing with such circumstances, it is essential to comprehend why hysterical bonding occurs. It is primarily motivated by feelings of anxiety, mental health issues, and a need for comfort and restoration. These elements may result in a more intense emotional bond, more physical intimacy, and a variety of complex feelings. 

     FAQs

    1. What happens when hysterical bonding ends? 

    When hysterical bonding ends, the intense emotional and physical closeness that follows a relationship crisis subsides. Couples may return to a more normal state, confront unresolved issues, assess the future of their relationship, or experience emotional turmoil. The outcome varies based on how effectively the crisis is addressed and resolved.

    2. How long can hysterical bonding last?

    The duration of hysterical bonding varies widely among individuals and relationships. It can last for a few weeks or for several months, depending on factors such as the severity of the crisis, the willingness to address underlying issues, and the ability to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy.

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  • Lying By Omission And Its Consequences On Relationships

    Lying By Omission And Its Consequences On Relationships

    It is believed Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “Half a truth is often a great lie.” While we agree that telling the truth is the best bet in a relationship, most often, partners do keep things from each other or lie to each other. Additionally, lying by omission often becomes a major issue in relationships.

    So, when is omission of certain details considered lying? Is telling a white lie harmful? Does lying by omitting a few details have the potential to destroy an otherwise happy relationship or does it not matter that much? Are you also wondering how to get over someone lying to you this way? Read on, as our expert psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling, helps us explore ‘lies by omission’ and their potential consequences and tells us what to do to address this issue in relationships.

    What Is Lying By Omission?

    Nandita explains, “In general terms, lying by omission, meaning lying without giving a false statement, is withholding information in a relationship deliberately. It’s the same in any kind of relationship, whether romantic or not. It’s when we don’t fully disclose the real or actual facts or information intentionally.” Is it detrimental to a relationship? Well, yes, it can be. In fact, an article on The Cut states how people generally view telling lies by omission as equally toxic as paltering, or focusing on selective truths to mislead people, just like politicians often do. In fact, some believe lying by omission is worse than lying by commission.

    However, omission may not always be considered lying by some. A Reddit user says, “It’s only a lie of omission if the thing omitted changes the truth as the person understands it. Otherwise, it’s just a lack of detail.” Another Reddit user believes there’s no such thing as a lie of omission, as there could be a vast number of things that we probably don’t mention to others.

    However, this user is probably talking about instances of honest omission without any malice or hidden agenda. After all, the intention matters. But why do people omit important details? To find the answer, let’s look at some reasons why people would lie by omission:

    ● To avoid conflict: People often lie by omitting crucial details that may cause conflicts or differences of opinion
    ● To avoid hurting someone’s feelings: People also lie by omission so as not to hurt someone close to them
    ● To protect one’s self-image: Nandita says, “When people start keeping secrets, it could be to maintain a positive self-image or to not lose face.” Hiding their flaws seems to be a good idea for some
    ● To gain respect: Nandita adds, “When people lie by omitting some details they could actually be concerned about gaining respect in the eyes of their partners.”
    ● Because of past trauma or emotional baggage: One partner can lie by omitting details about their life because they may have been ridiculed or been at the receiving end of hostile behavior for speaking the truth in the past
    ● To be in control: Omitting certain details about one’s life is a clear way of gaining control of the relationship dynamic. Some people like manipulating a situation by not giving their partners access to complete information about themselves as a power tactic

    Lying by omission can stem from a number of reasons, ranging from one’s own insecurities to external elements, such as a loved one whose feelings you don’t wish to hurt. We’re sure you’re now wondering how lying by omission affects our everyday lives. Read on to find out.

    7 Everyday Examples Of Lying By Omission In Relationships

    Now that you have a clear idea about the reasons behind telling lies by omission, let’s look at some everyday examples of this deception in relationships. Yes, lying by avoiding talking about the unpleasant aspects of one’s life is a common phenomenon. And lying by omission examples are found aplenty in our everyday lives. Here are 7 things from our daily lives which people tend to omit details about:

    1. Professional details

    Often, people tend to lie to their partners by omitting details related to their jobs or careers. A few instances of such lies are:
    ● Omission of details about what one does at work: This involves lying about the type of work one does, especially when one is lying at the beginning of a relationship. For instance, a person can say he works at a Michelin-star restaurant, to make it sound like he holds an important post, while in reality, he may just be waiting tables there
    ● Omission of details about job loss: People often keep news about losing their jobs, be it due to layoffs or dismissal. Nandita adds, “If a boss has fired or made a bad case of one partner, they may not want to come home and say it. This could be because of the fear of their partner’s reaction or their supposed loss of prestige.”

    Related Reading: How To Watch Out For The Relationship Red Flags – Expert Tells You

    2. Financial status

    Talking about money is often the most crucial thing in a relationship. And the trouble begins when one partner withholds significant details regarding their financial status, as life goals may suffer. Nandita adds, “Not revealing details about one’s financial status or money problems is a serious issue that can affect the relationship in the long run. And yes, it amounts to lying.”

    3. Past relationships

    People also often omit facts about their past relationships to avoid conflicts or unpleasant topics. Nandita explains, “Not telling your partner about your exes, even though your partner has asked you about them, is definitely a lie. And such omissions can cause a permanent relationship breakdown in future. While it’s okay to not get into the absolute minutest details of a partner’s past relationships, both partners should have some idea about each other’s previous dating lives, as the past can catch up with us eventually and cause a rift.”

    Lying by omission is worse than telling a lie actively

    In such cases, a person tends to lie about:
    ● How long they had been with the exes
    ● How intimate they had been or whether they had had sex with their exes
    ● The reason that led to the breakup. People lie about this because the actual reason could reveal some flaw at their end, such as abusive behavior or substance abuse
    ● Who ended the relationship

    Related Reading: 12 Signs Of A Lying Spouse

    4. Family or personal history

    Quite often, people also withhold details or facts about their personal history. Some even hide facts about their families. Some instances of such omissions are:
    ● Not revealing all the details about one’s criminal record, even if it’s about spending a night in jail for a student rally in college days
    ● Not revealing the professions of one’s family members. So, a person who’s not particularly proud that his father is a janitor may not reveal the details of his father’s profession to his potential girlfriend
    ● Withholding information about a mental illness or physical disability of a family member

    5. Health conditions

    A classic case of lying by omitting details is withholding facts about one’s health issues. One may have been diagnosed with a rare illness in the past or may even be suffering from a terminal illness. But not revealing that to a potential partner amounts to lying. A relationship can only grow when there’s transparency regarding all issues, including major medical conditions, such as cardiac issues or infertility.

    Related Reading: 13 Sure-Shot Signs Someone Is Lying To You Over Text

    A friend of mine, Linda, who suffered from vitiligo, a rare skin pigmentation disorder, would often put on concealing makeup before going on dates, to hide her condition. This ruined her relationships later, when her dates eventually found out about her condition.

    6. Affairs

    Omission of details is what any cheater resorts to hide their tracks from their partner. For instance, one of my friends, Susan, once went on a girls’ trip with us. We went to a club, where she got drunk and hooked up with a guy. They got cozy and shared some intimate moments too. We were all worried how it would impact her marriage. But when she went back home, she apparently told her husband about everything except the hook-up. This is how affairs begin and this is where it should stop if you want a healthy relationship.

    Related Reading: How To Tell If Your Partner Is Lying About Cheating?

    7. Family’s opinions of you

    Another great example of lying by omitting details is when your partner doesn’t wish to share information about what their family thinks of you. Picture this: your boyfriend called you home to meet his parents and he’s dying to pop the question to you. You’re all excited too. But his mother apparently didn’t like the way you dress. He withholds this from you to avoid unnecessary bickering or to avoid hurting you. This is a classic case of lying at the beginning of a relationship.

    9 Consequences Of Lying By Omission On Relationships

    Now you know that lying by omission involves intentionally omitting details about something. We’ve also given you an idea of how omitting details about our lives actually works. So, let us look at a few ways in which this form of lying affects relationships. Here are 9 effects of lies of omission on relationships:

    1. Lack of trust

    Lying by omitting significant details about something may affect the trust quotient of a relationship. Nandita says, “When a partner is caught intentionally omitting information or not disclosing certain information, there’s bound to be a loss of trust between the partners. This lack of trust can lead to a huge issue in the relationship in future. It also has the potential to break the relationship entirely, as the partner who has been lied to may never be able to
    trust the other partner even when they’re not lying.

    Related Reading: Trust Issues – 10 Signs You Find It Difficult To Trust Anyone

    “Over a long period of time, even if the lying partner decides to mend their ways, the other partner may lose faith in them. So, one should never reach the point where one’s partner stops believing in them altogether. It may be difficult to start afresh”

    2. Feeling of being betrayed

    Omitting information about certain aspects of life is betrayal even if there has been no obvious act of cheating. Nandita says, “Some people try to dismiss the impact of omission by saying that it’s not lying if you’ve been told partial truths. Some also believe not all lies are toxic. But a lie is a lie. And withholding information in a relationship can come across as a huge act of betrayal.”

    lying by omission examples
    Once your partner withholds key facts, you may feel betrayed

    3. Lack of self-esteem

    In many cases, if one partner finds out that they have been lied to by omission of major facts, they tend to feel they were perhaps not important enough to be told the truth. So, the partner who’s been lied to may feel lost and disillusioned. Nandita adds, “They may feel they aren’t worthy enough to have the full information. This creates self-doubt and low self-esteem.”

    Related Reading: What To Expect When You Love A Man With Low Self-Esteem

    4. Stress

    One of the negative consequences of such an act of omission is stress for both partners. So, while the one who has lied may feel guilty for lying this way, they may also feel stressed to keep up with the lie, since one lie is never limited to itself and often leads to more lies. Likewise, such lies, if discovered, may also cause the other partner to be stressed. They may not be able to be vulnerable with their partner anymore.

    5. Permanent emotional damage

    Lying to your partner by omission may cause them to suffer from permanent emotional damage when they discover the lie. In fact, they may turn overly suspicious in future and may stop trusting other people altogether.

    Nandita explains, “Omission brings out the suspicious nature of the liar’s partner. The other person will always be suspecting the lying partner of withholding crucial information. They may overreact too. In fact, there will be friction on many other fronts, not limited to the issue that is being lied about.”

    Related Reading: How To Trust Someone Again After They Hurt You – Expert Advice

    6. Lack of growth

    Hiding major details of your life from your partner may stunt the growth of your relationship. For relationships to grow, apart from love, there should be trust and the scope to be

    vulnerable and to confide. A relationship should be a safe space where both partners can lay their hearts out. Omitting significant facts only helps in stopping growth. The relationship may never reach the depth it requires and may eventually fizzle out.

    7. Lack of honest communication

    Hiding crucial details from your partner results in lack of open and honest communication. And in any relationship, communication barriers give rise to emotional and physical distance.
    So, in such cases you may witness the following:
    ● The liar doesn’t talk freely for fear of exposing their lie
    ● The person at the receiving end of such lies stops asking questions and grows distant

    Related Reading: Expert Talks About 9 Must-Try Couples Communication Exercises

    8. Lack of problem-solving

    Most often, liars withhold important information for fear of judgement. They are afraid that after knowing the full truth about them, their partners might leave them. But what if the partner in question is empathetic and understanding? There’s a chance that the person being lied to may have pitched in to help, had they not been told half-truths by their partner, be it about financial issues or family problems. Lying by omitting certain details thus actually acts as a barrier of potential problem-solving in a relationship.

    9. Lack of balance

    Lying by omitting crucial details of your life can also create an imbalance of power in the relationship. Here’s how:
    ● It makes you more selfish: When you lie by omission, you tend to focus on your own needs or what you think is right, giving less importance to your partner’s right to know the truth
    ● It makes you more manipulative: Omitting major facts lets you manipulate the relationship according to your will
    ● It gives you an unfair advantage in the relationship power dynamic: Lying by omitting details shifts the power in the relationship to you. So, you know something that your partner doesn’t and that is unfair

    How To Deal With Lying By Omission

    Lying by omission, meaning lying by hiding certain information, is detrimental to the relationship. But just like other relationship issues, it’s not the end of world if a partner omits or withholds certain details. In fact, there are effective ways to handle this situation. So, how

    to get over someone lying to you by hiding facts? Well, we’ll look into a few ways to deal with such cases of lying. Here’s want you can do to deal with this issue:

    1. Acknowledge the problem

    Nandita says, “To solve a problem, it’s important to ditch denial and start accepting that the problem exists. So, be honest with yourself and accept that you’ve been lied to by your partner.” No more trying to hide their flaws to save your face and theirs.

    Related Reading: Top 10 Lies Guys Tell Females | Lies Men Tell

    2. Identify the reason

    To understand the situation better, get to the reasons that must’ve made them lie. Dissect their story. Nandita suggests, “Locate why they are doing this. Is it because they fear something or because of shame or a sense of guilt associated with disclosing certain facts? Are they suffering from cheaters’ guilt or are they scared they might lose you if they tell you the truth?”

    3. Have an open communication

    An open heart-to-heart talk can solve most relationship issues, and this is no different. Nandita explains, “Once you identify the reason behind their lies, it’s important to be open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner. This goes for both partners. One should create a safe space for communication and allow their lying partner to admit their faults or own up to the issues they want to hide.”

    Related Reading: 5 White Lies In Relationships That Partners Tell Each Other At Some Point

    But be prepared for difficult conversations, because if they’re hiding something, it’s an emotional wound that needs to be addressed and not a place to play the blame game. Focus on the present and not the past.

    4. Empathy

    Nandita suggests, “One of the ways a lying partner can mend their ways is by practicing empathy, or trying to put themselves in the other person’s shows. They should try and realize how they would feel if they had been lied to.”

    On the other hand, most people lie to their partners because they feel they might be judged if they speak the truth. Of course, there can be other reasons, such as hiding a crime or a manipulative act. But if you’re being lied to, it’s important to introspect and ask yourself, “Am I being judgmental?” Loosen up and be easy-going for your partner to accept themselves as they are, so that they don’t need to lie to you by hiding information.

    Dealing With Insecurity
    Dealing With Insecurity

    5. Set firm boundaries

    Nandita says, “A healthy relationship is built on the pillars of trust, honesty, and integrity. While we all tend to lie sometimes, it’s crucial to have boundaries.” Thus, when you find out your partner has been withholding key details, you need to set clear and healthy boundaries. Be kind but firm in your demands. If they start dismissing you, saying you’re overreacting, tell them that you need them to be honest to go ahead with the relationship.

    Related Reading: How To Maintain Your Sanity If Your Partner Is A Compulsive Liar

    6. Consult a counselor

    Lastly, if all your efforts to make your partner stop lying by withholding key information fail, try going for couples counseling. There’s no alternative to expert advice when it comes to relationship issues.  If you’d like to explore this option to deal with lying by omission, skilled and licensed therapists on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.

    Key Pointers

    • Lying by omission involves intentionally withholding some information or facts while
      communicating or not telling the whole truth. But it doesn’t involve honest omission
    • Such lies have multiple reasons, such as protecting self-image, avoiding conflict, and
      gaining control of a relationship
    • Lying by omission examples include lying about one’s personal history, family, past
      relationships, financial status, or health conditions
    • You can deal with such liars by focusing on the reasons behind their lies, opening
      channels of honest communication, showing empathy, setting boundaries, and
      consulting a counselor

    Though some people still feel that there’s no such thing as a lie of omission, we’d like to believe that lies, be it by omission or commission, have the potential to hurt the person who’s being lied to. More so, if that person is a long-term partner. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and being transparent about oneself is the best way to go forward. Hope this article helped you understand how telling lies by omission destroys relationships and how you can manage such situations. So, don’t let petty lies spell the end of the beautiful bond with your partner.

    FAQs

    1. Is lying by omission still lying?

    Yes, very much. Lying is lying, whether you actively tell a lie by providing false information or lie by withholding certain information. Both have the potential to destroy relationships. Some believe lying by omission is worse than lying actively, as it’s all about not telling the whole truth and can be a tool for manipulation.

    2. Can lying be justified?

    Some people justify lies by saying ‘white lies’ that don’t harm anybody are
    justified if they are a means to a positive end. For instance, though you hate
    the French toast your wife cooks every Sunday, you tell her it’s tasty so that
    she isn’t hurt.

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