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Tag: Dr. David B. Hawkins

  • 5 Steps to End an Ugly Fight

    5 Steps to End an Ugly Fight

    When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over? 

    Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling. 

    “It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.” 

    “Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.  

    The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future. 

    “I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.” 

    “Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.” 

    Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption. 

    “What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.” 

    Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.

    First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle. 

    Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem. 

    Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street. 

    Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).

    Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.

    Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate. 

    Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you. 

    I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage. 

    Publication date: February 22, 2016

    Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/gorodenkoff

    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • 5 Steps to Take If Your Spouse Gives You ‘the Silent Treatment’

    5 Steps to Take If Your Spouse Gives You ‘the Silent Treatment’

    Who of us isn’t guilty of giving someone a strong dose of the silent treatment? Feelings bruised from words spoken or actions taken, we retreat into our silent world, all the while hoping our actions make our mate pay for the harm they’ve done to us.

    Withdrawing is not something new. Watch your four-year-old pout and you’ll recognize the early signs of ‘the silent treatment.’ They refuse to talk because they’re mad. Truth be known, they’re really deeply hurt and make the decision to hurt back—and it works!

    Many couples coming to work with us at The Marriage Recovery Center are disconnected, often by one or both partners choosing to use this immature behavior. Many have used this form of communication for years, with the patterns of interacting becoming ingrained.

    Why do people use the Silent Treatment?

    Why do we continue to use ‘the silent treatment’ if it is so destructive? It gets back to basics—‘hurting people hurt people’—and research shows that ‘the silent treatment’ is particularly effective in causing damage. No one wants to be on the receiving end of this form of treatment, and we all know it.

    While not proud to admit it, I’ve used ‘the silent treatment’ in my marriage. I’ve rationalized it by telling myself I was just taking time to myself to think. While partially true, I knew my actions were also hurtful and did not quickly stop it. Perhaps you can relate.

    To be fair, there are times when we must cool off, and this can actually be a healthy action to take. When feeling overwhelmed, it is important and even responsible to pull back, reflect and choose your actions carefully. If you let your mate know you are taking some time to consider how to effectively respond, they will likely be understanding and even appreciative.

    Helpful Scripture

    Scripture speaks clearly on this issue. The Apostle James instructs us: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). The Apostle James knew full well the lethal power of the tongue, but also seemed to know that there is a place for quiet spaces in a relationship.

    The words of James are very apropos to relationships. We need to be slow to speak and slow to become angry. We must learn to be quick to listen. These are skills that are easier said than done and should never be confused with using silence to hurt.

    Here are Five Steps to resolve “The Silent Treatment”

    1. Confront the behavior.

    Just as we would confront the four-year-old who refuses to talk, we do the same for the adult in our lives. We must do this carefully, however as we don’t want to give the pouter extra clout. We should simply acknowledge that they have withdrawn and we want to give them an opportunity to talk it out effectively. Offer them the opportunity to talk, OR to take an agreed-upon timeout.

    2. Hold them accountable for withdrawing.

    We must make it clear that we notice the behavior, and now invite them to speak directly to you about whatever is bothering them. Additionally, you note to them that their behavior is hurtful. While you cannot make them talk, you can let them know you notice what they are doing.

    3. Share your feelings with them.

    As you invite them to talk directly with you, let them know the impact their withdrawal has on you. You might say something like this: “I’ve noticed that something seems to be bothering you. You seem to have withdrawn. I want to invite you to talk directly to me about whatever is troubling you. I also want to let you know that I find your prolonged silence to be very hurtful.”

    4. If your mate chooses to talk, continue to have a healthy dialogue about the issue.

    If they choose to talk to you, share your appreciation with them. Thank them for sharing, reinforcing positive behavior. This will be a quick fix to a potentially troubling situation. If they continue to give you ‘the silent treatment,’ you have no choice then to give them the space they are creating.

    5. Be ready for connection when they choose to reconnect.

    At this juncture, however, they will need to take responsibility for withdrawing in an unhealthy way and for creating more hurt in the relationship. Hold them accountable for withdrawing and share that you are ready to reconnect when they acknowledge the damage they have done by giving you ‘the silent treatment.’

    In summary, silence is a particularly painful weapon and has no place in a healthy relationship. Taking a time out, agreed upon by both people, can be an effective way to get space to reflect, pray and consider a healthy response. You should allow for ‘time outs’ and must agree that ‘the silent treatment’ will never be tolerated.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    We are here to help and offer phone/ Skype counseling on issues related to this article. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles.  Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage. 

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/People Images

    Dr. David Hawkins, MBA, MSW, MA, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals since he began his work in 1976. Dr. Hawkins is passionate about working with couples in crisis and offering them ways of healing their wounds and finding their way back to being passionately in love with each other.

    Over the past ten years, Dr. Hawkins has become a leader in the field of treatment for narcissism and emotional abuse within relationships. He has developed several programs for treatment of men dealing with these issues and the women who love them. Dr. Hawkins is also a speaker & trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org, and iBelieve.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books.

    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • 5 Ways to Use Loving Words with Your Spouse

    5 Ways to Use Loving Words with Your Spouse

    We all respond favorably to a word aptly spoken. Scripture, in fact, says these words are like “apples of gold in settings of silver.” (Proverbs 25: 11) 

    Most of us are, in fact, desperate for a kind word and a soft and gentle response. We have enough abrupt encounters during the day that a word, aptly spoken, is healing balm to a fragile psyche. 

    Throughout the day we interact with many people, sometimes careful to choose our words wisely and other times insensitive to the needs of others. When we are thoughtless, the result can be very damaging. 

    “My husband shoots from the hip,” Marcia told me during a recent Marriage Intensive. “When I have annoyed him, he lets me know it, in not so nice terms.” 

    “How do you respond?” I asked, curious about whether she set healthy boundaries or reacted in an unhealthy way herself. 

    “I usually say something I regret,” she said sadly. “I don’t like the person I’m becoming.” 

    “What do you mean?” I asked. 

    “I have always been one to be diplomatic, choosing my words carefully. I believe in holding my tongue and in being kind and compassionate. However, the last few years Vince and I have lost respect for each other. I’m ashamed of how I talk to him and certainly don’t like the way he talks to me.” 

    Vince and Marcia have slipped into some bad habits. Because “emotions are contagious,” Marcia speaks to Vince in a manner similar to how he has started talking to her. They will need to become much more mindful of these patterns before they have an even more detrimental impact. 

    Working with them as a couple, I taught them to become much more sensitive to how their words landed. I encouraged them to watch, look and listen to how their words impacted their mate and take responsibility for making positive changes. 

    Here are a few of the suggestions I gave to them, encouraging you to consider using them as well: 

    First, notice the impact of your words. You cannot change what you don’t see and accept. We all have “blind spots,” and it is up to us to become aware of our patterns and the impact of our words. Ask for feedback on how you speak to your mate and the impact of your words. 

    Second, take responsibility for helpful and hurtful words. Take responsibility for not only helpful words but hurtful words. No one makes you respond the way you do. You alone are responsible for choosing the words you do. Choose to lead the way in setting the emotional tone in your marriage. 

    Third, choose words that build up your mate. Words aptly spoken can have a powerful impact on the emotional tone in your marriage. You can have a profound impact on your mate’s self-esteem, not to mention the degree of love felt and expressed in your marriage. 

    Fourth, give honest feedback to your mate about their words. Again, we cannot change what we cannot see and own. We cannot read other’s minds and must give and receive honest feedback for change to occur. While it may be a bit threatening at first, practice giving honest feedback in a caring way. Create safety so that your mate can give honest feedback.   

    Finally, agree together to have your relationship filled with loving words. Make a commitment with your mate to fill your marriage with loving, kind words. Agree to use encouragement rather than criticism when asking for the changes you want. This is your marriage and you both are responsible for making it the marriage of your dreams. 

    Are you sharing words aptly spoken, or do you need to change how you and your mate speak to each other. I’d like to hear from you. Please read more about strategies for emotional growth and explore more about my Marriage Intensives at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com 

    Dr. David B. Hawkins is the Director of The Marriage Recovery Center near Seattle, Washington where he lives with his wife, Christie. If you would like to learn more about his work, please go to his website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Anthony Tran

    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

    How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

    “I don’t feel close to my husband,” Jane said to me, her husband sitting right next to her. She had shared this in response to me asking what she and her husband wanted out of their Marriage Intensive. 

    “Why is that?” I asked, wondering why she would say something like this, given she and her husband, Darren had been married for over 10 years. 

    “He works 10 hours a day, has an hour commute, and I and the kids get an exhausted man when he gets home.”

    Darren stiffened at her words. 

    “The first thing I do,” he said defensively, “is come and greet you. I don’t know what more you want from me.” 

    “I want a lot more,” she said softly. “I want companionship. I want to know what is going on inside you. I want to feel closely connected to you. That’s why we are at this Intensive.” 

    “I tell you about my workday,” he continued. “That’s what’s going on inside me. I tell you the problems I’m having in the office. That’s all I have inside me.” 

    Darren appeared to be getting very defensive and agitated. 

    “She says this to me all the time,” he said, clearly exasperated. “I just don’t know what else she wants and it makes me mad.” 

    “Can you tell him?” she asked, looking to me. “I’ve shared it all before. He’s heard me rant about needing vulnerability from him. Can you tell him?”

    “Maybe,” I said. “But, I’m betting you can share more. Why don’t you turn to him and tell him the perfect evening? What would you like to have happen and let’s see if he is able to connect with you?”

    “Connection,” she said quickly. “That’s the word. I want connection. I want vulnerability. I want to know what you are feeling, what you want out of life.” 

    “Okay,” I said. “Tell him what the perfect evening would look like. How would it feel? What exactly would happen?” 

    Jane launched into complaints about the way the evening typically unfolded, with Darren arriving home, turning on the television, or checking his emails. She noted how he busied himself with tasks needing his attention around the home. 

    “I’d still like you to tell him the perfect evening,” I said. 

    She shared the following: 

    “Okay. I’d like you to come in the door ready to relate with me. I’d like you to turn off your cell phone, sit down with me and the kids for a nice dinner and then help me get the kids to bed. Then, after the kids are down, I’d like us to sit and talk about our lives. I’d like us to dream together—where we want to go on vacation, whether we want to downsize our house, how involved we want to be in church, ways for us to develop more friends together. I want you to take an interest in me, asking me about my dreams and hopes. I want you to share those same things with me. I want us to share our feelings with each other.” 

    “Wow,” Darren said. “I don’t do feelings and I don’t do a lot of dreaming. I’m busy taking care of problems at work and at home.” 

    “Yes,” Jane said. “I know. But, I want us to be vulnerable with each other. That’s the way I really feel close to you. I want you to be as excited and interested in me as you are in your work.” 

    Having this conversation with me was a critical turning point for Darren and Jane and many others who find themselves drifting emotionally. While many couples spend time together, it is often filled with distraction, exhaustion, and tension. Marriage cannot thrive in such an atmosphere.

    Couples often drift apart. It rarely happens in an instance, but rather a slow disintegration over time. 

    In a display of vulnerability, much like what is needed in marriage, the Apostle Paul says these words to the church in Corinth: 

    “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affections from you, but you are withholding yours from us… open wide your hearts also.” (2 Corinthians 6: 11-13)

    Let’s discuss how this couple and others can work together on this critical issue of vulnerable communication: 

    First, be honest with each other about your current connection. While it may be painful, share with each other how you feel about your connection. Be honest. Discuss such topics of emotional connection, how you spend your time, whether you are having fun in your marriage and enjoying physical intimacy. Share personally and vulnerably.   

    Second, share with each other what real connection looks like to you. Don’t get stuck talking only about what is not happening in your marriage. Talk about what you’d like to see happen. Be specific, sharing exactly how you’d like to spend your time and what would make your marriage more exciting and connected. Take an active interest in your mate, rediscovering them again. What dreams do you have? What dreams would you like to have?  

    Third, make plans for developing intimacy, connection, and vulnerability. Intimacy and vulnerability will not simply happen. You must develop a plan for how this will occur. How will you create an atmosphere for closeness to develop? Don’t be impatient. If you have not experienced closeness for some time, cultivating closeness will take time and effort. Even small bits of time spent intentionally and focused on each other, can help in achieving closeness.  

    Fourth, enjoy your new connection. Notice what works and what doesn’t as you change your lifestyle. Notice how you feel as you spend time together. Be adventuresome. Try new experiences. Share openly and candidly with each other and enjoy each other’s company.  

    Finally, hold each other accountable for following through with your plan. Again, change won’t just happen. Be intentional as you spend more time with each other. Take special care to carve out moments of time even when blocks of time are not available. Do find blocks of time, however, when you can really enjoy each other’s company. 

    God designed us for relationship and you will feel neglected if you are not attending to this in your marriage. Marriage can also be a wonderful place where we reflect God to the world. Make rebuilding your marriage a priority. 

    Do you need to reconnect with your mate? If you would like further help, we are here for you. Please send responses to me at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website and learn about our Personal and Marriage Intensives.  

    Photo courtesy: ©Unsplash/Osman Rana

    Publication date: January 10, 2017

    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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