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Tag: Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

  • Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This. It’s a very good article, but I’m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn’t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn’t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. —W

    Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers’ feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours. 

    Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

    The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

    But this brings us to your question. 

    How? 

    More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

    It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

    But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

    Wrong Motivations for Friendship

    I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

    Here’s what I mean:

    Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

    -Guilt avoidance

    The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

    Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

    -Preventing loneliness

    Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

    -To feel wanted or needed

    Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

    Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

    -To fend off rejection or abandonment

    One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

    Self-Led Friendship

    Now what?

    The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

    If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

    To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

    How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

    Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

    1. Learn to Say “No”

    I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

    Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

    However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

    All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

    -How long have you been doing this job for me?

    -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

    -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

    -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

    This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

    2. Heal Emotional Pain

    Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

    According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

    There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

    3. Conflict Resolution

    Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

    So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

    If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

    With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

    May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man . . . who is hitting on my wife a lot . . . the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her a secret.

    We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

    I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

    The married man has suggested he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he had a dream about her and she asked him “to be alone with her.” Perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her if she’s OK and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

    This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman:
    ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you’ve been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she’s experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk.” – N

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry about the turmoil this other man has caused. 

    He might as well have waved a flaming red flag when he insisted to Jennifer she should keep his texts a secret from you, her own husband. An obsession with secrecy signals the fact that this man knew his behavior was wrong but plowed on anyway.

    I’m glad your wife confided in you about what has been going on. Score one for the unity of your marriage!

    But since you sent me the note you composed for him, let’s focus on it.

    Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you employed conveys your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with him. 

    Understandable—since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church. 

    However, there are a couple of problems I foresee if you send the note as is. 

    Married Man, Walking with Your Wife?

    Let’s start with him asking your wife out on walks.

    If this man has been hitting on your bride, is it wise to unlock your front door and allow him to pick her up before he proceeds to stroll by her side? This behavior might fit what the Bible describes as little foxes spoiling the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). 

    What may seem to be little, innocent things—nothing to see here, just a couple of friends sauntering the neighborhood together—can eventually demolish not one, but two, marriages. 

    Let me explain. 

    Here comes a married man who wishes to spend alone time with your wife, with the possibility of him pouring out even more of his feelings and other personal matters to her. This setup can lead Jennifer to feel obligated to do likewise and open her heart up to him. 

    That’s just human nature. We tend to mirror the behavior we see in each other.

    Besides that, it’s also natural for things to progress. A mutual sharing of feelings will eventually draw them closer to each other. In time, what began as sharing emotional intimacy can morph into other kinds of intimacy, including the physical and sexual kind. Full-blown affairs often began when two individuals confided their hearts in each other.

    God forbid things will ever go that far with your wife and this man!

    Even so, it’s unwise to let anyone else develop emotional intimacy with you—or, in this case, Jennifer. Being too emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse may drive a wedge into your marriage.

    Which brings me to the second problem with the note you’re proposing.

    Action Steps

    By attempting to talk to your wife without your consent (since he asked her to keep their texts from you), he’s disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, as well as his own wife. Yet helping your wife—whether in person, through text messages, or anything else—is your responsibility. Not his.

    If Jennifer needs something, especially of an emotional nature, she can turn to you, the church, or female friends—like this guy’s wife. There’s no reason he should spend private time with your wife or repeatedly inquire if she’s okay when his wife can do the same thing.

    And even if there are problems in your marriage—a big “if”—it still doesn’t give license for this man to console your wife. 

    So, where do we go from here?

    Here are some ideas. Please pray over these recommendations with Jennifer first before communicating anything to this man. The Bible says, “One can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about conveying a firm “no” to this man, your unified resistance sends a strong message to the person to back off. 

    1. No Room for an Affair

    Let him know, in no uncertain terms, how his desire for your wife is not welcome—not by her, and certainly not by you. 

    2. No Room for Secrets

    You might need to confront him directly, with you explaining how inappropriate it is for him to isolate you from your own wife. In contrast, it’s not wrong for Jennifer to tell you what this guy has been up to. You and she are one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). Whenever he tells Jennifer something, in essence, he’s also telling you the same.

    Making no room for secrets might also mean making it clear to him how he has zero private access to your wife, including through digital means. Let’s restrict all communications through group texts only. No personal voice mail. No direct messaging on social media. No clandestine emails. And, a most definite no to the two of them spending time in person without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can include you (and his wife) in the loop.

    3. Make Room to Help

    If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: His marriage is in trouble.

    Which means it’s time for outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For instance, Focus on the Family runs a list of Christian therapists who are qualified for the job. 

    By you recommending this resource or pastoral counseling to him, you’re communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him walk out the process. 

    Aftermath 

    I can understand if the following question pops up after reading the above:

    What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?

    Certainly, there is no need to confront him huffing and puffing. Put up firm boundaries with this man, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Having said that, if your words provoke him to scowl and raise a big stink, that’s too bad—but still, the sanctity of your marriage comes first. Jesus taught us as much: “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP). 

    If you left behind everyone, including the two people who conceived you, in favor of Jennifer, who is this guy to wedge himself in the middle of your sacred union with her? 

    Besides, if you and Jennifer convey a clear message that neither of you is interested in her carrying out a secret relationship with this man, you’re exemplifying a righteous fight for your godly marriage. Your stance speaks volumes.

    Hopefully, it will inspire him to fight for his own.

    All the best to you and Jennifer!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

    Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

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    I feel as though I’m prying. Maybe it’s because there’s a stigma around loneliness, even if this condition is something of an epidemic. About 1 in 3 Americans reported feeling lonely in a recent survey. 

    Loneliness means we’re journeying through life solo. In the words of the Bible, loneliness hits probably because we lack a friend “who is as [precious to us as] our own souls” (Deuteronomy 13:6, AMP). 

    As precious to us as our own souls? Whoa! What a tall order.

    Few relationships would fit. Can you classify coworkers and acquaintances as “friends who are like your soul mates” (ISV) when all you do is chat about casual things with them? 

    Here’s why the question I asked at the beginning is worth considering. I attended the 2024 Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) conference and learned about a sobering study on the well-being of pastors and their spouses. These researchers discovered pastors who had more close friends also endorsed fewer depression symptoms. They felt more satisfied in ministry. 

    Granted, pastors are unique. Their leadership role sets them apart from the rest of the church. However, this position’s endless demands often intrude into the pastors’ personal lives and impact their families, further pressuring them, which explains their need for close confidantes.

    But the need for true friends isn’t limited to just clergy. God created all humans to be relational beings. And so, it makes sense for all of us to need a trusted friend. Whether you lead a Fortune 500 company, a tribe of young humans still at home, or are somewhere in between, even if your life is relatively drama-free, you’ll still benefit from having an ally.

    Friendship increases life satisfaction. In contrast, loners have been found to be twice as likely to die prematurely. Research shows baring your heart to a buddy can lower blood pressure during stressful situations.

    But how do we find that kind of friend? 

    Here are three ideas:

    1. Old Friends

    Did you meet someone who then became a close friend earlier in life? Cherish that friendship. Work through any rift that might have ripped you two apart in the course of time. Old friendships—that is, connections we made while we were younger—offer a richness that can be missing from those fostered in adulthood. 

    As Scripture says, “never abandon a friend” (Proverbs 27:10, NLT). Don’t discard an old friendship in the face of quarrels.

    But friendships, obviously, fall under the umbrella of relationships, and conflicts within relationships are notoriously tricky to resolve. So, if you feel stumped by the schism between you and your friend, email me your dilemma. The Ask Dr. Audrey’s Advice Column might offer the balm you need to soothe the cracks in your friendship.

    If there is no squabble separating you from your old friends, wonderful. I’m happy for you. Still, please don’t take your pals for granted. Keep working on your friendships. Whether it’s a quick “miss you!” text or a heartfelt video chat, cherish your friends. Let them know how appreciative you are of them.

    2. Risk a “Yes”

    Remember the conference I told you about earlier? I presented on—what else?—Internal Family System (IFS), my favorite therapy modality. Afterward, while browsing the book tables, I ran into one of the people who attended my workshop. We chatted about IFS before she dropped an unexpected question: “Would you like to come to my birthday party?”

    I didn’t know this lady. At all. Plus, the party was at the hotel where the conference was held. Because I stayed at a different property—and the forecast called for rain for the rest of the day—RSVP-ing yes might have meant being drenched as I walked to the party and back.

    There were many reasons to beg off, but I’m so glad I risked a “yes”!

    I didn’t know it then, but my agreement unlocked a roomful of joy. The birthday party ended up feeling like a clean comedy show. As a present for the birthday girl, every guest was supposed to share two truths and a lie while the group guessed the lie. Because some were expert storytellers, stories about squirrels and singing captivated us while others crafted creative jabs and poked innocent fun as more stories flowed.

    The evening erupted into one raucous laughter after another.

    But how does my experience affect you?

    The next time the chance to socialize arises, risk a yes. Pray and confirm it with God first, of course, but unless you feel a clear “no” from the Almighty, lean on your yes. 

    You might make a few friends that way.

    3. Initiate 

    May I indulge you with one more story from the eventful party? This one originated from the birthday girl herself. These parties, she explained, started because her birthday used to be lonely. No friend was around to celebrate her happy day.

    “Why don’t you invite a few people out and treat them to a nice meal?” her husband advised. “Not McDonald’s.”

    She listened to his advice and gained a group of close friends as a result.

    Let’s apply this concept to you.

    If you lack true friends, volunteer yourself to be one. No need to wait until someone offers you the gift of friendship. Instead, initiate the process. Stretch your comfort zone and get to know others. Be generous in spending your time with them. Buy them a Christmas gift. Surprise them with a gift card for their birthday. 

    Keep nourishing that new friendship until it won’t be that new anymore, and before you realize it, you’ll have a close friend to share life with.

    Take it from the party I attended. One reason it felt special was because the guests kept showing up at the same conference, and the same birthday party, for years. By the time I arrived, the bond between them—and the birthday girl—had been clearly established.  

    It Takes One

    There is a flicker of hope arising from the research on pastors I cited earlier. Whether it’s them or their spouses, the researchers discovered it took having only one friend to improve the lives of these study participants. 

    Imagine that! We don’t need to have a close friend in every state to improve our welfare. It only takes one. 

    Scripture confirms that friendship isn’t about quantity but quality. “A person of too many friends comes to ruin,” warns Proverbs 18:24 (NASB). 

    Moral of the story?

    If you’re an extrovert, don’t let your natural ability to socialize backfire. Collecting an impressive number of contacts is great, but advance only the right persons into your inner circle. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Don’t let those you call friends corrupt your decisions regarding God or life in general.

    And if you’re an introvert, endure the discomfort that comes with reaching out to make new friends. Extroverts might rate this kind of activity as less nerve-wracking than you, but that’s okay. Scale down the effort if you need to. You only need one good friend, remember?

    No matter your tendency, and whether the friendships you’re working on are quite old or brand new, cultivate them. Check in on your friends. Forgive. 

    And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to plot out my two truths and one lie. 

    My new friend’s next birthday party awaits!

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Elle Hughes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

    What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Currently separated from my husband. I have intentions on remaining faithful and trying to work on our marriage. He has picked back up on bad habits, drinking, smoking weed, taking mushrooms, porn and sleeping around and staying in houses with other women. I’m hurt because I prayed and sought The Lord before getting married. . . Since knowing that he has been with other women, I’m ready to throw in towel, but it hurts because I love him and just want him to love me back. I’ve isolated myself and no one to really talk to this about. My family who are not saved always tell me I have problems and should not have married. His parents are believers but don’t encourage him to do what’s right in the sight of God. I’m very broken, can’t sleep without having bad dreams that me and my husband are done. I for sure thought God called us to be together. What should I do? We have 2 very young children together as well who ask about their father daily. – AH

    I’m doubly sorry because neither your family nor his has supplied the help you need. This lack of support makes your agony even harder to bear.

    Given all you’ve shared, I have three recommendations.

    1. Find a Church 

    Nobody can survive stressful times by fighting solo. This is particularly true when young children are in the picture, like in your situation. That’s why finding a Bible-believing church needs to be one of your top priorities. Seek a spiritual house where you can feel safe enough to join.

    See the word “enough” in the last sentence? I’m borrowing this principle from a famed British psychoanalyst, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the term of being a “good enough” mother. She doesn’t perfectly attune to her baby’s needs but is doing a good enough job, leaving the baby with only small amounts of frustration.

    This concept is helpful because, as I’m sure you know, you can search through all denominations and still, you won’t find a perfect church. Maybe the music is too contemporary or the distance makes it daunting to go regularly. But if that place preaches the Bible and the people there love the Lord then tolerate small frustrations and get planted there.

    Why?

    Because our faith in God—in His goodness, love, and power to see us through—needs regular boosters, but especially during hard times. Faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17). If ever there’s a time for you not to forsake the assembling of ourselves (Hebrews 10:25), it’s now, when you’re facing a trial. So, bulk up on sermons and the Word of God.

    Research also shows churchgoers tend to fare better in physical and mental health. Improved mental health might have something to do with the opportunity churchgoing creates in socializing with like-minded individuals. After all, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17); so, when you’re parched for love, hang around friends.

    Isn’t it interesting this Proverb doesn’t say a spouse loves at all times? It’s sad when our own spouse treats us as though we’re as valuable as a used tissue. But a true friend wouldn’t mind babysitting for you or listening to your distress.

    2. Trust God’s Grace

    Should you stay married when your spouse hasn’t respected your vows?

    If you believe God joined the two of you in marriage, you should fight for your relationship. “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9, NLT).

    But staying married is hard when your husband is gallivanting around. For one thing, unless he’s thoroughly repentant, it’s unwise to trust him with your heart.

    This is why you need to hear, for yourself, what the Almighty decrees about your situation. His view is what matters. Take His word over your family’s or even your husband’s behavior.

    Especially because you can always rely on God’s grace to do His ways. 

    For instance, if He instructs you to stay the course, He will also grant you the grace and supernatural love for your husband as you bear this unpleasant situation. (“Love bears all things,” Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7.) 

    If you feel God is leading you this way, ask for specific prayer points to pray for your husband to come to his senses. Pray for you too, so you can “stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13) as you continue to navigate through the hardship.

    One last word on this thread.

    If God called you to remain separated (at least for now), you could trust Him to deal with your man during the break. But brace yourself. Things could grow gloomier in the meantime. Whatever happens, though, you can trust Him to keep working on your husband.

    Discerning what God says is best done when you shut out the world. Even with young kids to care for, there are things you can do to plan a private retreat. Read the first bullet point in this article for helpful tips.

    3. IFS Therapy 

    Seeking God’s heart on the matter might be crucial, but teasing out His voice from our own can be complicated. Many have made the mistake and attributed to God what actually arose from their own souls. 

    I include myself in that number.

    This is why I also recommend Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. This unique therapy modality recognizes the many inner voices we hear as coming from different parts of our souls. Practicing IFS helps us distinguish these voices from the Almighty’s.

    But let me back up and explain. We’re made up of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). And just as our body consists of many parts, the same goes for our soul.

    To determine whether you’ve heard from parts of your soul, here is a quick test. Have you noticed these inner reactions following your husband’s misbehavior? 

    How could he do this?

    What should I do? File for divorce? 

    I thought God wanted us to be together. Shouldn’t we stick it out? But how, when my husband doesn’t give a flipping care?

    What should I tell the kids when they ask about their dad again?

    If you resonate with any of the above, that’s because you’ve heard some of your parts expressing themselves. 

    Validate them. Say something like: “I hear you. Thanks for sharing your opinion candidly with me. I don’t have all the answers, but God will help us get through this storm.” 

    Listening to our parts calms them down. 

    This is what it means to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). The stillness of your soul makes hearing God’s voice easier to do.

    So, after spending time listening to your parts and their concerns about your husband’s hurtful behavior, invite God into the conversation. Listen to the Lord. The One who is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) will say something soothing to you, while also steering you to the right path.

    It’s easier for someone who’s trained in the model to guide you with IFS. That’s why I recommend investing in your own emotional welfare by hiring an IFS therapist. Head to the IFS Institute website to find an IFS therapist near you.

    But if you don’t feel comfortable with IFS, that’s fine. Find a competent therapist who is clinically skilled and won’t undermine your worldview. (Some therapists, on hearing about your husband’s indiscretions, might quickly advise you to leave him—without hearing the other parts of you that might want to stay.) 

    If you want a therapist who shares your faith, check out Focus on the Family for a list of Christian therapists.

    May God’s will be done in your life—as well as your husband’s—as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Engin Akyurt

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • When God Is Your Matchmaker

    When God Is Your Matchmaker

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    My husband doesn’t think I’m pretty.

    There’s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.

    It’s not as though I haven’t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. “I have an art degree.” 

    What am I to do?

    I’ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I’ve addressed the ugly—yet unyielding—growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples. 

    He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I’m not pretty. 

    That’s because he thinks I’m very pretty. 

    I’m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.

    Let’s just say his view and mine widely diverge. 

    The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God’s pick. 

    (Not that I’m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride’s beauty or the groom’s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn’t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)

    John’s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait—and wait—before the Lord’s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.

    But it’s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don’t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:

    Loneliness

    Feeling lonely? A recent survey suggests you’re not alone. Around 60% of Americans feel lonely on a regular basis. 

    You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right? 

    Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.

    Using marriage as an escape hatch won’t work. Nobody—including your spouse—can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one. 

    Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it’s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you’re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition. 

    Isn’t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?

    Age 

    Back in my single days—before WhatsApp exploded in fame—I once received a phone call from my mother’s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. “Don’t be so career-minded that you’re neglecting marriage!”

    “Yes,” I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn’t about to elaborate with “Actually, I’m staying single because I’m waiting for God’s best for me, not because I’m too wrapped up in work.”

    I’m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age—which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children—it’s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage. 

    But getting married because of anything other than because it’s God’s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn’t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling—the opposite of Jesus’ mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10, MEV).

    To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead. 

    Shapes and Sex

    Should you marry someone you’re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage. 

    At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, “beauty is fleeting” (Proverbs 31:30).

    How fleeting?

    As flitting as a flower in bloom. “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!” (Isaiah 40: 6-7, NASB).

    Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade. 

    Then there’s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3), their intention is understandable.

    However, God’s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to “learn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6).

    Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can’t make a marriage last.

    Choosing Marriage

    Different formats exist when it comes to today’s intimate relationships. For instance, some read “don’t get married for the wrong reasons” as “don’t get married.” The increase in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.

    Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.

    Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.

    If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would’ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would’ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7, the chapter on singles and sex.

    Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, CEV).

    Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it’s a God thing.

    The One who created marriage (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 19:4-6) is also able to place a yearning within us for it. Remember, the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4-5, Psalm 145:16, Psalm 145:19, Proverbs 10:24, Mark 11:22-24).

    If you’re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, “your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:21)—all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.

    Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3)—including regarding matters of the heart.

    But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column. 

    I promise to seek God as I compose my response.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maria Korneeva

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Help! My Loved One Is a Narcissist!

    Help! My Loved One Is a Narcissist!

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    “Is it possible to help my Mom with mid-term dementia to be set free from narcissism? Or would it just be better [if] I seek out healing from the abuse myself? Thank you.” – H

    Thank you for sending in your question. Although I have never met nor diagnosed your mother, when you mentioned narcissism, my graduate training kicked in. The psychologist in me wondered if your mother might qualify for what the DSM-5-TR labels as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

    In case you’re not a mental health geek like me, DSM is the go-to book we in the profession utilize to diagnose mental illness.

    On the one hand, just because someone exhibits narcissistic traits doesn’t mean she fits an NPD diagnosis. On the other, you don’t need a doctor to formally assess her when you live with the pain of having your needs disregarded—again and again—because your mother continues to act in a self-absorbed way and dismiss your reality.

    As though a possible NPD diagnosis wasn’t bad enough, it sounds like your mother is also suffering from dementia. The combination of these two makes it very difficult—if not impossible—to “set her free” from narcissism. 

    Short of a miracle, that is.

    Let me explain why.

    The first roadblock we face is willingness. Narcissists don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. Because they believe it’s everyone else who needs to get their act together, getting your mom to agree to receive help for this personality issue already feels like fighting an uphill battle.

    And then there’s the second—and even more entrenched—barrier. Narcissism happens by necessity, not choice. I’m not privy to your mother’s backstory, but I’m 90% convinced something must have significantly hurt her earlier on. Perhaps, instead of a loving or caring authority figure, your mother grew up with a caregiver who repeatedly belittled, shamed, or neglected her. 

    Which then caused a part of her to overcompensate and exaggerate her importance.

    It takes intentionality and hard work to help narcissistic personality parts abandon their tried-and-true ways of behaving. And that’s presuming the person still has a decent level of cognitive functions. When we throw memory loss and impaired thinking into the mix, the chance of having this individual recover from narcissism is pretty dismal.   

    But if God can miraculously heal physical illnesses—which He has definitely done—there’s no reason He can’t do the same for mental illnesses.

    Good news! There’s something you can do despite this seemingly depressing discussion. Seeking your own healing from whatever abuse you have received from your mother is a viable option.

    Here are 5 things you can do to that end:

    1. It’s a Part

    The theory I practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS), normalizes humans as having different parts. But let me back up. God created humans as tripartite—a fancy word that means we’re born with a spirit, soul, and body. The real you is your spirit. Your soul is the one with multiplicity inside. Don’t be alarmed—having many parts within your soul doesn’t make you a weirdo or having Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder). 

    Having parts just makes you human. 

    While not all of our parts are burdened, some are. The ones that are burdened tend to act out in problematic ways even when they don’t intend to inflict harm.

    Like your mom’s narcissistic part. 

    When this particular part shows up again, tell yourself the behavior you abhor is most likely due to your mom’s part. However, that’s not all there is to her. There are other parts of her that may feel badly about how she has behaved toward you, even if they may never have the chance to voice their opinion.

    The problem is, your mother most likely doesn’t know how to reel in her parts. (The majority of people don’t. The prevalence of emotional and behavioral problems in our world testifies to this fact.) 

    May I encourage you to view your loved one’s troubling behavior through parts language? Remembering that the problem represents a part and not the entire person can promote patience and compassion for that individual.

    2. Validating Yourself

    Difficult individuals demand a lot from us. Narcissists insist on having others cater to them and their needs, which is exhausting.

    But that’s not all. Being around your mother’s narcissistic part may provoke doubts. Maybe I’m not worthy of her attention. Was I imagining things? Am I just fishing for someone else’s approval? Great. Am I really that needy?

    Listen to these inner monologues. These—and similar thoughts—likely originate from your parts. Please listen to their musings and, as sincerely as you can, offer them a comforting word. Assure your parts they’re valuable and that their version of the story matters. Offer them the validation they need.

    You have the power to serve as the empathetic voice that can soothe your hurt parts. While your mom may never have the capacity to empathize with you, much less apologize, you always have the choice to offer the listening and validating service for your own internal system.

    Don’t underestimate the healing that emerges from this step.

    3. Double Boundaries

    The need to set boundaries has inspired many to publish their thoughts. (You can skim through mine here and here). Without learning to establish and then enforce our boundaries, we are bound to keep experiencing interpersonal hurt—which is the occasional offshoot of being in a relationship.

    It’s okay to set firm boundaries with your mom. It’s also okay to explain to her the consequences for violating said boundaries. You’re allowed to enforce those consequences without feeling guilty.

    But here’s the kicker: you can also apply boundaries to your own internal system. 

    This is what I mean. Parts of you that get riled up by Mom don’t have to be present whenever you’re visiting her. I don’t understand the physics behind it—which is why I can’t really explain it to you—but whenever we ask our parts to give us space, they typically will, especially if they believe we’ll still be safe.

    So, ask your parts to trust that even when they give you a wide berth (when you’re with Mom), you’ll be fine. 

    One way to tell whether or not they have acquiesced is by checking your heart. Does it feel a little more spacious inside? If so, these parts have indeed agreed to your request.

    If your parts are willing to give you space, even if Mom’s narcissistic part shows off again, you won’t feel as affected.

    4. Individual Psychotherapy

    And then there’s the gold standard—psychotherapy.

    Confession: “gold standard” is my word. It’s not as though there has been a study proving the superiority of psychotherapy above medications or vacations or anything else we do to heal our souls. At the same time, psychotherapy or “talk therapy” has been known to alleviate many issues. One statistic shows that 3 in 4 people who seek therapy find it beneficial.

    Having provided therapy for 15+ years, I can attest that not all therapy modalities are helpful. One of the more effective ones is IFS. Now that I’ve practiced and taught this modality myself, I wholeheartedly recommend therapists who are certified in it. Find the ones near you on the IFS Institute website. 

    IFS therapy will help you coexist with your mom, as well as complete the next step below.

    5. Spiritual Strategies

    Have you forgiven your narcissistic mother yet? If there’s a superior way to stimulate emotional healing, God would’ve disclosed it in the Bible. 

    But if your parts are like mine, forgiving someone who doesn’t seem sorry at all is a tough sell. Which was why I wrote a small book to facilitate forgiveness when you’re locked in a lifelong relationship with someone difficult. 

    Hint: you’ll encounter IFS in that book.

    Aside from forgiving your mom, you can also pray for her—that God would give her the wisdom to corral her parts. Pray also for yourself and your parts so you won’t end up despising your mother (Proverbs 23:22).

    Our prayers are powerful and effective (James 5:16).

    And because I believe in the power of prayer, I’ll say a prayer for you too.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Is It Inappropriate to Inspect My Partner’s Phone?

    Is It Inappropriate to Inspect My Partner’s Phone?

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    Question: Is it appropriate to ask someone if you can look at their phone/messages? I want to build trust in my relationship with a person who has a history of cheating/addiction in [a] previous marriage. Also some mistreatment towards me but not cheating as far as I know. I struggle with knowing what’s appropriate to ask but the lingering feeling of wanting to see it doesn’t go away. We’ve known each other for years and have been dating for one year. – E

    I empathize. Relationships are tricky.

    But let’s see if I get the gist of your quandary. Your partner was untrustworthy in a previous relationship and has mistreated you. Still, you wish to develop more trust in this individual.

    Also—and here’s where I’m reading between the lines—you’re thinking trust-building can happen through perusing your significant other’s phone. 

    Except you’re not sure if it’s okay to do so.

    First of all, yes, I agree that if you wish to inspect someone else’s property, you can’t do it without proper permission. Then again, doing so can also stir things up. Your partner might respond with resentment. You might hear retorts of “How dare you!”, “How could you?”, “Why?”, and before you realize it, a new squabble is daring you to tame it. 

    But even if you manage to sidestep the above fight and receive a go-ahead instead, this approach poses another problem. 

    Who’s to say the phone won’t be handed to you only after it has experienced a thorough purging from anything incriminating? 

    Lovers aren’t the only ones who wonder about trust. Whether with regard to a breathtaking romance, business acquaintance, or blood relative, this question can bob up. 

    How can you tell if someone is trustworthy?

    Below are 4 questions that can help you determine the answer:

    1. Is There History?

    Psychology proposes that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, there’s some merit to holding a question mark when someone acted in a problematic way but claims that he or she is now reformed. 

    Just like E’s question above, her significant other proved deceitful in a prior relationship, so E feels guarded in case there are current indiscretions she’s unaware of.

    At the same time, underline this important piece of information: E was not cheated against. 

    In your quest to determine whether so-and-so is worth your trust, please don’t forget that people have the capacity to grow. It is possible for addicts to maintain sobriety. Cheaters can change.

    2. What Does Your Gut Say?

    E told us “the lingering feeling of wanting to see [her partner’s phone] doesn’t go away.” I’m a licensed clinical psychologist, so I respect emotions and all of their cousins, including gut instincts and lingering feelings. I’m glad you do too, E. If you didn’t, you probably would’ve dismissed the urge to inspect the phone.

    But what are we to do with these feelings?

    Per Internal Family Systems (IFS), the therapy I do in my private practice, we can address our feelings—or parts, as they’re known in the IFS community—and facilitate lasting breakthroughs. In your case, E, it means finding out if there is any part of you that knows of any actionable intel about your significant other. Have you picked up any evidence of untrustworthiness, albeit unconsciously?

    To get there, focus on the lingering feeling to scrutinize your partner’s phone and ask it directly. “Why do you want me to do this?”

    Don’t devise the answer yourself. Just watch for what arises.

    If the answer is vague—maybe along the lines of “Not sure. I just have a sneaking suspicion that something fishy is going on”—then let’s place a mental asterisk here. Hold this thought for later.

    3. Have You Healed?

    Asking yourself “Why do I need to see my partner’s phone?” might reveal another angle. If your history includes being betrayed—including by more than just romantic partners—it makes sense if a part of you has developed a sensitivity to sniff out possible improprieties in your intimate relationships. 

    Note that the hurt didn’t have to be done directly against you to activate this vigilance. For instance, if you watched one of your parents abandon the other, you might have grown up with a part that swore to never let a similar heartbreak happen to you.

    The point is to aim the searchlight at your inner world and explore. Are there emotional wounds that are still tender to the touch? Have you healed from relational hurt, no matter who the perpetrator was?

    (Please allow me to put in a parenthetical plug for psychotherapy here. Therapy helps, but don’t just pick the first therapist with an opening. Not every therapy modality carries the same potential to heal. For instance—and this comes from someone who switched her own theoretical orientation—I’ve found IFS to be superior to any other modalities, including the more popular ones. That’s why I recommend finding a certified IFS therapist near you.)

    But back to our topic. Because emotional pain distorts our view of the world, the more healed we are, the more clarity we have in appraising others’ trustworthiness. With past hurt clouding our lens, it’s easy to assume the worst when really, there could be an innocent explanation behind a seemingly suspicious behavior.  

    4. Have You Asked God?

    Hebrews 4:13 explains how “nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” The Creator, who crafted each of our hearts, also has a clear view of every living being. 

    So, if you haven’t consulted the Almighty about whether or not your significant other is trustworthy, I’d pause everything and prioritize this. 

    Ask Him also if He thinks inspecting your partner’s phone would be a good idea. This is based on James 1:5: “if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

    However, the topic of seeking the Lord carries with it the issue of how to ascertain it’s His voice we’re hearing. This is another reason I love IFS. Practicing the model enables me to distinguish the Lord’s voice from that of my own soul.

    Open Communication

    Remember the mental asterisk from before? 

    If the urge to examine your partner’s phone has to do with your partner—because you have this unshakeable, unsettling sense about the latter—then it’s time for a heart-to-heart.

    Especially if your answer to question #4 above is yes. As in yes, you asked the Lord about your partner’s trustworthiness and yet, the Almighty cautioned you to guard your heart around the person.

    The good news is close relationships, including in dating situations, thrive on open communication concerning each partner’s needs. 

    Including and especially the emotional kind.

    You and your honey have the right to discuss ways to meet your needs as a couple. Sometimes a hearty negotiation and compromise are required before both parties feel satisfied, but the point is, it’s okay to humbly present your request to inspect your partner’s phone. 

    The more transparent and vulnerable you are with explaining your rationale, the more likely you’d avoid the sorry scenario I sketched earlier—of irking your partner and instigating a new argument. Remember, “a soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, AMP).

    Don’t forget to pray, ideally together, before launching this discussion.

    I’ll add my prayer to yours. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Candy Retriever

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD. Disclaimer: her advice column isn’t therapy.

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  • Can I Date a Nonbeliever?

    Can I Date a Nonbeliever?

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    I so want the answer to be yes.

    Don’t get me wrong. The man who courted and later married me isn’t just a Christ follower. John also exemplifies the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, on a daily basis. Get to know my husband, and you’ll see how the above description fits him like a tailored suit. There’s no way I would’ve nodded yes if John weren’t a Christian, to begin with.

    Yet here I am, toiling to see if there could be any loophole that might sanction dating a nonbeliever. This is partly because I abhor adding yet more bad rep about Christians or Christianity. But the main reason is that I don’t want anyone to mistake God for a grouchy killjoy.

    At the same time, I won’t be doing you any good by lying to you. So, can we talk about this? One tip to help you make it through this article is to keep an open heart. (Especially if you’re already dating an unbeliever.) Let’s review possible reasons why you might consider relaxing your standards by dating just anyone. 

    1. Compromise

    As the people of God, we are set apart for His use (1 Peter 2:9). Because of this, God draws a boundary around who we are allowed to marry: “Stop becoming unevenly yoked with unbelievers. What partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? What fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, ISV).

    Dating is meant to serve as a precursor to marriage. As such, dating an unbeliever means you’re endorsing the possibility of sharing the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t share your faith.

    Which is a risky business.

    As Jesus said, “even if you were to gain all the wealth and power of this world—at the cost of your own life—what good would that be? And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul?” (Matthew 16:26, TPT).

    Compromise poses significant risks. Before compromising your convictions by dating outside biblical boundaries, weigh things carefully.

    2. Nothing Serious

    But perhaps you’re just having fun. Maybe you’re not ready to settle down and are only in the market for free food. Flirting. What’s the harm in dating a nonbeliever if this is your mindset?

    Plenty. Even if you set out to date with a pure heart because we all influence each other, dating a nonbeliever might sway you to their way of thinking.

    Here’s how the Living Bible puts it: “If you listen to them you will start acting like them” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

    Besides, someone with little to no regard for God’s Word may thoroughly welcome unwholesome and destructive activities. After all, while Scripture serves as our compass for what’s edifying and what’s not (1 Corinthians 10:23), non-Christians don’t necessarily view it this way.

    A nonbeliever may embrace everything as fair game, regardless of how it might impact you. For instance, what if your non-Christian date wants to cap off the evening sexually? Mix your drink with a dangerous substance? Force you to abandon your moral convictions?

    Will you suppress your conscience and sin for the sake of your date?

    3. Loneliness

    Do you feel lonely? You’re not alone. Post pandemic, 58% of Americans share your sentiment.

    But if loneliness drives you to date just anyone, think twice. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a date as “a usually romantic social arrangement to meet with someone.” But no romantic undertone is necessary if the goal is to cure loneliness. Adding romance to the mix—especially when the other party isn’t a believer—is begging for trouble. At best, you might get your heart broken, and at worst, you might walk away from your faith.

    You can enjoy a meal or a movie with another. Even while keeping things strictly platonic.

    4. Evangelistic Dating

    Perhaps the person you’ve been dating isn’t just a knockout but also caring. So what if they don’t confess Christ? You can evangelize them while dating. Right?

    I have a cousin whose love story took this trajectory, so yes, this route may pay off. However, for every successful evangelistic dating story, there are even more stories of Christians who lost their convictions after dating nonbelievers. In one case, a devout atheist married a Christian woman, and while both retain their respective worldviews, their kids and grandkids are agnostic.

    Ultimately, the next generation is why dating an unbeliever is inadvisable. Malachi 2:15 explains it this way, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.”

    We don’t just get married for our sakes. We marry fellow believers so that together, we can reproduce and raise the next generations for God.

    5. Sexual Health

    Can we be brutally honest? Some single adults date for the companionship. Others, for sex.

    I heard about one such man. When his friends asked how this guy, who professed to be a Christian, could justify sleeping around, he explained it’s for the benefit of his “sexual health.” This kind of logic finds no backing in Scripture. In fact, God commands the exact opposite: “But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:13, NLT).

    God designed sex to be practiced only within marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2). Anything that violates His perfect standard will yield future heartaches because His Word carries a protective function for us (Psalm 81:14).

    If remaining single and celibate is tough, remember how Jesus roamed the earth in a male body while maintaining sexual purity. Ask Him for the secret. Plus, reread the end of 1 Corinthians 6:13, the verse we passed by a couple of paragraphs ago. The Lord cares about your body; as such, pray for help so you can “control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (1 Thessalonians 4:4).

    6. God Takes Too Long

    Maybe you’ve been holding out for that compatible Christian to date, but that person is still absent. Perhaps it’s the arid—not to mention long—waiting that drives you to date a nonbeliever.

    I get it if your patience wears thin because time seems powerless to shift your single status.

    Nobody who waits on God will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3). He hears your petition for a mate. Not only that, our compassionate Father has flawless memory. God remembers your need and will come through no matter how long it has been.

    Habakkuk 2:3 says, “This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed” (NLT). Use this verse to bolster your commitment to never settle for less—even if it may feel like your God-given spouse will never arrive.

    The Only Yes

    Found it! While I stand by everything we have just discussed, there’s indeed a yes to the question we started off with.

    Is it okay to date a nonbeliever? The only yes is if God says so.

    Whether or not you hear Him correctly, however, is something we can tackle another time.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • 4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

    4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

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    The pastor, author, and broadcaster entered his eternal home a few days ago.

    Perhaps you supported In Touch Ministries or worshiped at First Baptist Church Atlanta or considered him your spiritual shepherd. It makes sense if his passing affects you.

    I can relate. While I wasn’t familiar with Dr. Stanley or his ministry, my own spiritual mentor also transitioned to heaven earlier this year. Dr. Jack Hayford—founder of the King’s University and the Church on the Way, as well as a prolific author who also composed 500 songs, including Majesty—died in January.

    The death of Pastor Jack Hayford and now Dr. Stanley prompted a timely question. What do we do after the death of someone we’ve fed from spiritually?

    Whether you’re grieving the loss of these godly men or another spiritual giant, here are a few thoughts for your consideration.

    1. Live Their Legacy

    Of all the messages your late spiritual mentor taught, is there a topic or theme that grips your heart the most? Has his or her life exemplified a notable aspect of the Word that transformed you? Then live that message out.

    I’ll give you an example. The bulk of my foundational Christian beliefs came straight from Pastor Jack. But one of the most impactful lessons I caught from him had to do with his regular prayer campaigns for Los Angeles. He taught, “It’s impossible to hate those you pray for.”

    Hearing this on repeat—and cutting my intercessory teeth on prayer circles, what we used to do during Sunday services—induced in me a love for prayer and LA.

    The fact that I still intercede for my city, nation, and the world on a daily basis is a testament to

    Pastor Jack’s ministry and his persistent emphasis on prayer.

    2. Godly Jealousy

    Paul utilized this phrase in his second letter to the Corinthian church (2 Corinthians 11:2) to describe his longing for them to remain faithful to Christ. I’m using the term differently here, so I hope he’ll forgive me for repurposing his phrase.

    Whenever a saint—that is, a believer in Christ—dies, I find myself feeling godly jealousy. I wish I could be in heaven too.

    (As a quick aside, this is another lesson I learned from pastor Jack: that the New Testament, like Acts 26:10 and 1 Corinthians 1:2, refer to Christians as saints.)

    Right now, Dr. Stanley and Pastor Jack are reveling in the presence of the Lord, no doubt hearing Him announce, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23). I wonder if angels are ushering them into their due rewards as we speak. After all, rewards await the faithful (Isaiah 40:10, Matthew 10:41-42, Mark 9:41, Revelation 22:12).

    Enjoying God’s glory forever, interacting directly with the Lover of our soul, is far more attractive than puttering around in this sin-encrusted world (Philippians 1:21). Even earth’s top vacation spots can’t compete with the joys of heaven.

    However, let’s be clear. I do not long to be in heaven because I’m suicidal. By God’s grace, I intend to complete His assignments for me rather than exit the earth prematurely.

    If you resonate with this intention but also feel the twinge—however slightly—of wanting to move into heaven, there’s a way to capitalize on it.

    We can use this godly jealousy to motivate ourselves to run a faithful race.

    All the way to the finish line.

    Unfortunately, not everyone who started out as a Christian continues with their journey. I can recite names of famous Christians who, midway in their faith walk, ditched the path and, as far as I know, are still detached from the one true God.

    This isn’t to mention scores of other individuals whose stories might be unknown to us but whose faith, likewise, dissolved.

    Let’s not fix our eyes on them. Let’s instead focus on successful finishers like Drs. Stanley and Hayford and also, apostle Paul.

    Toward the conclusion of his earthly shift, the latter remarked the following: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing” (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to declare “ditto” when our race is officially over?

    3. Leftover Grief

    Perhaps your spiritual mentor’s passing left you feeling drained. You’ve shed more tears than anticipated. Maybe your appetite—or digestive system—has been off. Or perhaps you’re experiencing other signs of depression.

    If any of the above fits, check if perhaps you’ve neglected to grieve a prior loss. Death leaves a cumulative effect on the mourner, stirring up similar emotions and memories of an earlier loss.

    But a recent death will impact you more if you haven’t fully grieved that prior loss or if you’ve sustained a significant number of losses in recent history—including not just physical death or divorce, but also the loss of income or house.

    So, if your spiritual mentor’s death hits you hard, consider it a 911 call from your soul. Find a trained professional to consult with.

    I recommend someone who is trained in the psychology of grief and mourning.

    4. Holding the Torch

    One of the characteristics of my church that I cherish the most is its multigenerational nature. Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z, as well as the youngest one, Gen Alpha, attend our services.

    There may even be a smattering of representatives from the Silent Generation.

    You’ll see me nod at one of our pastors’ frequent exhortations. He insists that every generation in the church needs to mentor someone younger than them.

    This is relevant to our topic because the body of Christ lost two respected generals this year. Pastor Jack died at 88, and Charles Stanley, 90.

    Now that they’re no longer here, the torch—of leading the next generations, spreading the Good News, and holding each other accountable to keep maturing into Christlikeness—is in our hands.

    We may never be called to found a global ministry, but that torch is still in our hands.

    God may appoint us to affect areas of society our mentors hadn’t, but the torch is—you guessed it—still in our hands.

    What better way to honor the passing of your spiritual mentor than to continue cultivating Kingdom values the way he or she did?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/max-kegfire 

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • 8 Reasons Ghosting Is Ungodly

    8 Reasons Ghosting Is Ungodly

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    By single-handedly severing the communication cord, ghosting prevents any attempts at reconciliation. This is unfortunate because many conflicts end up shattering hearts simply because the responsible parties never attempted to discuss what happened.

    I wonder if this is one reason Paul preferred singleness. “I want you to be without concern,” he explained in 1 Corinthians 7:32.

    Makes sense. A single person doesn’t need to continually touch base with her significant other about what went wrong and how things can be made better.

    But since ghosting happens to married couples and singles alike—some folks ghost former friends too, remember?—let’s return to this concept of reconciling. 

    Reviewing past pain with the person who caused it is, by definition, unpleasant. I’ve shared how in one case, it took years to pursue reconciliation myself. 

    Even though the pressures to avoid reconciling are real, our God is a God of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). The least we can do is to enable the possibility of talking things out rather than ghosting another person.

    8. Generates More Ghosting

    Strong emotions have fascinating characteristics. One of them is the unconscious tendency to transfer to an innocent bystander the strong feelings induced in us by someone else’s behavior. 

    Think about the famous joke concerning a string of violence: a man was humiliated by his manager. He felt so enraged that when he came home, he yelled at his wife, who then spanked the kid, who then kicked the dog, which then barked at the cat, which then—

    Beats me. How do upset cats behave?

    The point is, if you could interview every victim of ghosting, I doubt there were any who relished the phenomenon.

    What’s more likely is those who have felt the pain of being ghosted turn around and then ghost another person. 

    Ghosting No More

    Jesus once left an adulterous woman with a simple—but significant—goodbye. “Go and sin no more” (John 8:11). Please recognize the gravity of his response. Here was the sinless Son of God, the Great I Am, standing next to a woman guilty of sexual sin. 

    In spite of her obvious role in breaking the seventh commandment, however, Jesus didn’t condemn her.

    But if Jesus didn’t condemn her for adultery, he wouldn’t condemn anyone for ghosting either.

    So how about if you adapt Jesus’ instruction? Go and stop ghosting. 

    This is the essence of repentance: to drop the old behavior and do the opposite. 

    But to faithfully fulfill this mandate, you’ll need to develop skills that would make ghosting unnecessary by, for instance, learning how to best manage conflict resolutions. 

    Consider spotting—and scrubbing—other unhealthy boundaries. The momentum gained from removing one unwholesome behavior from your life can spur you to purge even more.

    Who knows, maybe I’ll also address how to quit ghosting in the future.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/sticker2you

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  • 5 Ways to Set Unhealthy Boundaries

    5 Ways to Set Unhealthy Boundaries

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    The above Instagram comment seeded this article.

    I’ve written about ways to set necessary—healthy—boundaries. But the above quote sparked a new thought: Since there are healthy boundaries, there must also be unhealthy ones. 

    Sadly, scores of damaging strategies sully our interactions. Despite the different details, all unhealthy boundaries share the same commonality—in the process of setting and enforcing that boundary, negativity usually sprouts. Somewhere. 

    It can manifest in the form of feelings (like resenting the yes you said under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms, making you feel unwell. But this adverse reaction can, and often will, culminate in strained relationships. 

    Consider these five unhealthy boundaries as an example:

    1. Fueled by Fear 

    In certain circumstances—like having to outrun the mountain lion while hiking—it can be useful for fear to motivate your legs to pump faster. For the most part, however, authorizing fear to manage your decision-making process will likely backfire.

    Let’s apply this principle to our topic. Say the pastor’s wife asks you to decorate the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you’ve already committed to organizing the egg hunt for kids’ church, and it’s your turn to host the extended family for the holiday meal this year. 

    The mere thought of spending all those hours—plus decorating the church—enthralls and exhausts you both.

    But then a thought pops up. How can you turn down your own pastor? Don’t you want to be indispensable to the church? Useful?

    If this thinking prompts you to nod your assent, beware. You’re on the brink of violating your boundary due to fear of people (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept covers a multitude of fears—of letting others down, losing their acceptance, dreading their wrath—and is a common unhealthy boundary.

    2. Lying to Escape 

    Is there someone in your world who specializes in being pushy? Perhaps it’s Ashley, who insists on dropping by on a random Wednesday because she’s bored. Never mind that you’ve just crawled through three meetings with enraged executives back-to-back and are ready for a bubble bath and subdued Bublé. 

    Experience expects that if you were to explain how exhausted you are, your friend would respond with a breezy excuse for why she should still come—something along the lines of she’ll fetch takeout for dinner, it has been forever, and besides, she won’t stay long.

    So, you lie. “I have COVID.”

    It’s the easiest way to save yourself from having to humor Ashley, you convince yourself.

    However, the Lord hates a deceitful tongue (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to untangle yourself from an unwanted visit will make it easier to craft another lie the next time around. Who is to say determined—or dense—Ashley won’t treat you to a repeat performance? Yet, according to Scripture, liars qualify as those who will spend eternity in the fiery lake (Revelation 21:8).

    Saying no requires fortitude but is worth the practice.

    3. Triangulation

    Bear with me as I continue the analogy.

    Let’s say your friend stormed in anyway, commandeering your evening, despite your lie about COVID. (She’s double-boosted and recovered from COVID herself, Ashley purred.) 

    If her behavior upsets you so much that you text another friend about it, you’ve just triangulated your conflict. 

    As the word implies, triangulation happens when three persons tango together. Instead of confronting person A—the one we have issues with—we complain about person A to person B. 

    Dragging another party into your dissatisfaction right off the bat might complicate matters and is definitely unscriptural. Proverbs 25:9 states, “Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another” (NKJV).

    4. Oversharing 

    Do you tend to overshare?

    Pay attention to how others respond after you share. If you consistently receive anything but a warm response, it’s possible you might have shared too many intimate details too soon.

    If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you tend to function this way. Don’t try to figure out the answer—just ask and wait for an inner response. Is there something inside you that craves acceptance? Attention? Affection? 

    Unfortunately, oversharing will not facilitate these things. It might only discourage others from getting to know you better. 

    Think of setting boundaries with new acquaintances as introducing them to your abode. 

    A stranger should only be received on the porch (and told superficial things like where you work and what you do). 

    In contrast, a pal you’ve met a few times can step inside your place. Perhaps you two can chat in the living room. It’s appropriate to explain more intimate details about yourself, such as why you decided to pursue your profession despite the pressures to run the family business.

    When that person has proven, over time, that she is worthy of a closer friendship, go ahead and entertain her in your kitchen—where you can both swap heartfelt stories.

    5. Retaliating

    “Boundaries are not a way to punish those we don’t like.” This Instagram post garnered the comment I shared in the beginning.

    The idea seems straightforward. Whether it’s because we’ve highlighted enough sentences in boundary-related books or because we instinctively get it, it makes sense not to weaponize our boundaries against someone else.

    But if you get into an unresolved brouhaha and time only dumps more misunderstanding and heartbreak, it can be tempting to retaliate.

    Here’s the thing. Some may not call it retaliation and employ euphemisms instead, like “I have to stop talking to Ashley for the sake of my mental health.” 

    Which sounds good, especially for a psychologist like me. Mental health is a valuable commodity to protect.

    But will you allow time and space for private—albeit honest—reflections? What’s the real reason behind your decision to set this particular boundary? Does the punishment, so to speak, fit the crime? 

    Weaponizing boundaries will never lead to a thriving relationship because it goes against Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

    Unburden the Unhealthy

    Anyone can learn the necessary skills to set healthy boundaries. But if the thought feels overwhelming, here are a few starting points you can adopt:

    -If you’re tapped out, name it. Don’t let shame coax you to adopt another assignment, volunteer an additional day, or commit to doing anything you don’t have the bandwidth for. God never requires you to worship your church leadership, so decline your pastor’s request if need be.

    –When you have to refuse relentless souls—think Ashley above—stand your ground. Say no with courage.

    –Share precious details about your life only with trustworthy individuals. Jesus tells us, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). The point isn’t to compare anyone to animals, but that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Disclose intimate details only when the time is right.

    –Always strive to resolve misunderstandings. Follow the steps outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.

    The last bullet point requires conflict resolution, which tends to intimidate many of us. (Perhaps that’s why resources on this topic abound.) If you enjoy freebies, however, download the bonus chapter for Surviving Difficult People, and you’ll receive manageable, bite-sized instructions.

    With practice, you can rework anything in your life that contributes to setting—or maintaining—unhealthy boundaries.

    Take it from someone who lied to set her boundary.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AaronAmat

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • A Letter to Single Women Who Wish Eligible Men Were More Mature

    A Letter to Single Women Who Wish Eligible Men Were More Mature

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    I married a Redwood.

    No, this isn’t a piece on horticulture. I’ll get to your annoyance with immature men later, but may I start by sharing my solo journey prior to John?

    Before my husband, my single status felt like a parasite I couldn’t exterminate. That freeloader stuck with me throughout college, grad school, after earning my license, and even after starting my private practice. 

    My peers were busy getting married and assembling IKEA furniture and skipping sleep to tend to their newborns. Some even went so far as to divorce their first spouse and marry another.

    Guess who dragged her sister to birthday parties and get-togethers through it all?

    Yep. Your new friend over here has definitely traipsed through the singleness wilderness. 

    It wasn’t like I didn’t meet anyone during those years. Elsewhere I wrote about “Matt” the evangelist and how I learned he wasn’t the one. 

    None of the men I encountered felt right.

    Oh, how I wish we could swap stories about Mr. Wrongs over coffee and cake. I’m sure you can regale me with your own false starts. 

    During those alone years, I flung a bunch of questions at the Lord. Why am I still single? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get married? 

    I imagine you have your own versions of these questions, too.

    Perhaps you’ve gone a step further and compiled a list of probable answers for why you’re still single—at your age, to boot:

    1. There are no decent candidates.

    2. There is, indeed, something wrong with you.

    3. Eligible ones are immature.

    Let’s take them up one by one.

    No Decent Candidates

    Many have dismissed online dating as depressing. Meeting a potential partner in person, meanwhile, feels like a fairy tale reserved only for novels and rom-coms.

    It doesn’t help that more women than men attend church. How can you hope to meet a potential date at church when the pool is so tiny there’s hardly room for both feet to splish-splash?

    I get why you’d think there are no good candidates. 

    Or rather, my sister did.

    Back when I used to doubt my prospect of landing a decent guy, she reminded me, “it only takes one.”

    The thought cheered me up. I didn’t need to date half of LA or lower my standards and date non-Christians. All I needed was to trust the Lord to introduce me to the right man.

    May her wise words encourage you too.

    Something Wrong with You?

    If this question has assailed you before, relax. All it proves is that you have an inner critic that’s vocal about its low appraisal of you. 

    The good news is most of planet earth shares your plight. That is, most—if not all—of us hear a critical voice inside, ready to pounce on our chipped tooth, grotesque birthmark, or a million other reasons why it thinks we fall short. 

    Just because you’re still single—at your age—doesn’t mean you have a deficiency. 

    Still, it’s wise to glance at the mirror. Introspect. Go inward. 

    Because I’m a certified IFS therapist, I recommend an IFS therapist to walk you through this process. This model has helped many transform their lives. 

    Of course, you can soul search on your own. But if you do, watch out. Don’t slide into a shame spiral.

    Eligible Ones Are Immature

    Let me detour back to the Redwoods for this point.

    These trees are resistant to an impressive array of intruders: Fire. Bugs. Freezing cold weather. 

    Well, okay, not exactly freezing. I just called it that because I grew up on the Equator, where the average temperature hovers around a pleasant 80 degrees. Year-round. 

    But back to Redwoods, who just stand there and resist hazardous environments.

    And grow—albeit slowly.

    Take a particular Redwood as an example. As of this writing, the tree is 308 feet tall and 1,400 years old. Let me spare you the math to give you the bottom line: someone planted this tree in AD 622, and to date, it has been growing by 2.2 inches every year. 

    Which means that the tree only grew by about the width of your credit card every 12 months.

    If you visited it by, say, its 35th year, you might have dismissed the sapling as unimpressive. There wouldn’t have been any discernible change height-wise even if you scrutinized it for a whole week.

    But if I were to tell you that by the 21st century, this stubby thing would have towered over humans and even hotels, you might have grimaced my way on your way out.  

    Which brings me back to the topic at hand.

    God drew my attention to their slow growth rate at an opportune time. 

    I had lent my expertise to help my husband overcome a familiar—but unwanted—issue the day before we visited the Redwoods. Right before we arrived, however, another episode had reared its ugly head. 

    My interpretation of this incident? John failed to change fast enough. 

    Which, in turn, prompted my emotional outburst. Why isn’t John changing faster? 

    Let me translate this sentiment to better suit your predicament. Why aren’t eligible men more mature?

    Onward with Patience 

    There could indeed be various answers to your inquiry. 

    It could be you’re right, and these men need to do some maturing before they qualify as marriage material. 

    Or perhaps the Lord might ask you, as He did me, to take the New Testament seriously—specifically, to let patience have its perfect work (James 1:4, NKJV). 

    For me, it means appreciating the 2.2 inches’ worth of growing that John has faithfully done in this past year. 

    So what if he’s still grappling with his issues? Don’t we all have our challenges? Besides, I need to give credit to whom credit is due (Romans 13:7). John’s bouts with his personal thorn in the flesh have lessened compared to the first years of our marriage.

    How patience applies to you might be different. First off, you still have to decide on who to marry. Whether you’re still early in the dating stage or whether you’re now engaged, it’s okay to keep asking the Lord for verification that you’ve got the right guy.

    When your guy misbehaves or does anything to stir up your dissatisfaction, remember the lesson of the Redwoods. He may not be growing fast enough, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t attained more maturity today compared to some moons ago.

    I wonder if this is how God sees all His children in general. Perhaps He makes it a personal policy to focus on the inch we’ve managed to add to our spiritual stature rather than the failures we’ve committed. 

    Perhaps that’s why He is ever ready to forgive and grant us new mercies every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24). 

    But I digress. 

    When your guy disappoints you again, no need to throw a tantrum or threaten to leave (unless God has made it clear that you’re supposed to exit). 

    Instead, pray that he can withstand the pressures in his inner world—not to mention the world at large—and keep growing. Pray that his faith won’t fail (Luke 22:32). Pray for you and your own growth too. Pray so you can see all the growing he has done.

    Your future self will thank you when years from now, he morphs into a 300-foot-tall spiritual giant. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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