Tag: Dealing with Insecurity

20 Tips On How To Stop Wanting A Relationship
In a world seemingly obsessed with love stories and fairytale endings, the desire for a romantic relationship can often consume our thoughts. Yet, there comes a time when it becomes crucial to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal fulfillment. There’s no quick tip on how to stop wanting a relationship, but there are many steps that will lead you to that state of mind.

Research has shown that in some cases, single people showed enhanced areas of autonomy and personal development. So for you to live a life rich with purpose, growth, and contentment, we’ve compiled 20 practical tips for you to stop wanting affection and love from a fictional partner. Let’s redefine the path to happiness beyond the confines of a romantic quest.

Why Do I Feel Desperate For A Relationship?

Feeling desperate for a relationship often arises due to amatonormativity, a significant factor in our culture. Amatormativity is the societal overemphasis on a romantic relationship as the primary source of happiness and fulfillment. Idealized images in media and social platforms generate a sense of urgency and pressure to secure a partner.

Additionally, personal insecurities, past experiences of rejection, and a lack of emotional support contribute to this desperation. Understanding and addressing amatonormativity are crucial in order to combat these societal influences and foster a healthier perspective on relationships and self-esteem. Before you learn how to let go of the need for a partner, here are 5 possible reasons behind why you feel desperate for one:

1. Fear of autonomy can make one want a romantic relationship

Some people may feel anxious about being independent or making decisions or reassuring themselves on their own. They may perceive a relationship as a means to rely on someone else for guidance and comfort, leading to a desperate desire for a partner.

In this state of emotional dependence, as per this article, “you typically end up relying on your partner to meet nearly all needs. When you experience distress, you might look to them immediately before trying to manage your emotions yourself.” Once you focus on self-improvement and become your best version, you’ll be able to focus on a relationship as well.

2. You might want romance to escape personal issues

Feeling desperate for a relationship can sometimes be a way to distract oneself from personal challenges or unresolved issues.
- Some seek romantic relationships to obtain a distraction from their personal struggles like everyday stress or anxiety that they don’t wish to address
- Some people use romantic relationships to seek validation from their partner and worthy of love to mask their insecurities and self-doubt. A partner helps them feel safe and secure
Related Reading: 6 Reasons Why Being Single Is Better Than Being In A Relationship

3. Societal pressure could be the answer to “Why do I keep wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend?”

A study states that by middle adolescence, most kids have been involved in at least one romantic relationship. This societal expectation makes them urgently swipe through countless dating apps, jumping into a hopeless relationship. Here’s how we are pressured into needing a relationship:
- Social media comparisons: The constant display of seemingly perfect relationships on social media creates an unspoken expectation for everyone to conform. It becomes a measure for success
- Family gatherings and inquiries: ‘Well-meaning’ conversations from family members or friends like “Look at that person, they seem your type. Wouldn’t you want to date them?” reinforce the societal belief that being in a relationship should be a need for everyone. Otherwise, you’re considered a misfit in the circles that you depend on for safety
- Casual dialogues among peers: Everyday remarks such as “You’re still single?” again convey the societal expectation that everyone should be in a relationship, adding unnecessary pressure
4. Cultural or religious expectations can make you desperate for a relationship

A study shows that “the more religious people are, the more serious they take notions about the sacramental or covenantal nature of marriage that are central to most religious teaching.” This makes individuals take unhealthy decisions and jump into a serious relationship immediately. For example:
- Many people seek partners of the same faith to ensure alignment in cultural values and traditions, fostering a common foundation for family life
- It’s considered a taboo by many God-fearing folks when someone is not married or if a married couple has no kids. The gossip and pressure that ensues makes one want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage
If that’s you, know that wanting a relationship is not a bad thing. What’s not okay is focusing on the romanticized version of relationships or the stigma associated with not being in one. Try to find your own identity within the religious beliefs you hold.

One might feel desperate to be in a relationship due to cultural or religious expectations

5. You might want a partner for security and stability

For many women, societal conditioning often instills the belief that having a man in their life is synonymous with societal and financial safety. Breaking free from this conditioning involves challenging stereotypes and recognizing that personal strength and independence is what paves the way for a happier and stable life, which can then lead to a relationship if you want.

Also, once you find someone, remember that wanting more in a relationship is not wrong, but putting all your needs or burdens on your partner is. So, try to be aware of when you’re doing that and take a step back.

Related Reading: 17 Telling Signs You Might Be Single Forever – And Why It’s Not Bad News

How To Stop Wanting A Relationship

Obsessing over your relationship status? Do you find yourself wondering “Why do I keep wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend?” or “Why do I need a partner so badly even though I just had a breakup?” This is perfectly natural, and you can overcome this state of helplessness. So if you’re looking for ways to stop wanting love of a romantic nature in order to make yourself ‘complete,’ read ahead for our compilation of 20 tips:

1. Focus on self-discovery and embrace independence

Spend time exploring your interests, passions, and values. Discover who you are as an individual outside of a romantic relationship. Find out your likes and dislikes. This applies to sexual fulfillment too. This newfound self-awareness will positively impact your future relationship. Instead of jumping into a serious relationship, here are some ways you can relish being single:
- Learn to say no to commitments that drain your energy
- Disconnect from technology and set some time to detach from screens and distractions
- Try to engage in some solo activities like taking yourself out for dates, etc.
- Set aside some me-time to stop wanting a relationship for some time. Maybe attend cooking classes and cook up a fancy dinner for yourself
Once you fully embrace your independence, your relationships will flourish as you’ll bring a sense of self-assurance to them.

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2. Set personal goals that don’t include romance

There is more to life than just thinking about wanting a relationship. As you prioritize personal growth, you’ll find joy beyond having a partner. So, direct your energy toward achieving personal milestones and aspirations like this:
- Set personal goals in a diary or a poster, and channel your energy into achieving them
- Celebrate your accomplishments and challenge yourself to pursue your dreams
- Create a list of amazing things you want to experience and work toward achieving each one of them
Related Reading: 8 myths about Asexuals (ASE)

3. Nurture your friendships actively

In the process of wanting to be desired and loved, don’t forget about your best friends. If you have to choose between a friendship and a relationship, choose friendship. Cultivate deep and meaningful connections with friends who bring joy, support, and companionship to your life. This can be a catalyst in your quest to stop wanting a relationship.
- Initiate communication regularly
- Learn to listen actively when friends are talking
- Be supportive and be there for your friends during both joyful moments and challenges
- Platonic friendships can offer physical intimacy in the form of hugs and cuddles too, so open up this conversation with them
4. How to stop wanting a relationship: Practice self-care

You can stop wanting love from someone else, but don’t stop wanting it from yourself. Prioritize your well-being by engaging in activities that promote self-care, such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies. Just something that brings you joy is enough.
- Nurture your soul with compassion, positive affirmations, and gratitude
- Embrace your flaws and celebrate your uniqueness
- Do things that make your heart sing with joy, even if others don’t understand it or find it strange. E.g., when men take up knitting for their mental health
5. Build self-confidence to beat the singledom blues

People who forget about themselves end up putting all their focus on wanting a relationship. Focus on your strengths, work on self-improvement, and develop a positive self-image. Here are some tips on how to stop wanting a relationship through confidence-building:
- Observe your quirks and unique qualities without judgment
- Replace self-criticism with self-compassion
- Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations
- Celebrate your progress and achievements along the way
- Step out of your comfort zone regularly but not forcefully
As you practice self-care, your heart will radiate with contentment, drawing genuine love into your life. Let your inner light shine, and you’ll discover that the love you seek is within you too.

6. Prioritize your well-being

Assess the factors that drain your joy or compromise your health. Learn to say no to overwhelming commitments and establish firm boundaries with toxic family and friends. Sometimes, we only look for a partner because of a feeling of helplessness or tiredness. Or because we don’t feel supported.

So, the first step is to take out the trash from your life. Don’t be the one who always overlooks the relationship red flags. By freeing up your time and mental space from negativity and unrealistic expectations, you pave the way for a healthier life. This also helps you break free from the longing for a relationship.

Related Reading: How To Cope With Being Single In Your 30s – 11 Tips

7. If you’ve been constantly thinking about wanting a relationship, challenge societal norms

Questioning traditional expectations and norms surrounding marriage and life-long commitment is a crucial step in freeing yourself from the desperation for a relationship. To effectively challenge these norms, consider the following:
- Make friends with happily single people: Expand your social network to include those who have chosen the single life. Interacting with people who embrace their independence can provide alternative perspectives on happiness and success
- Talk about amatonormativity: Foster open conversations with friends, family, or peers about societal expectations regarding relationships. Encourage discussions that challenge these norms, thus promoting a more inclusive and empathetic understanding of personal happiness
- Reframe your thoughts about being single: Challenge any internalized societal norms that suggest being in a relationship is the only path to completion. Affirm the validity of singlehood as a conscious and fulfilling choice
- Learn about non-traditional relationship structures: Whether it’s polyamory, open relaftionships, or other alternative models, understanding the spectrum of relationship possibilities can broaden your perspective on what constitutes a well-rounded connection
8. Develop a gratitude practice

One of the best self-love tips is to learn to give gratitude. Once you learn to be grateful for everything around you, you’ll be much less focused on desperately wanting a relationship. Some easy ways to do this are:
- Share your gratitude journey with a friend or create a small group dedicated to expressing gratitude. Regularly discussing what you are thankful for provides accountability and a shared positive experience
- Dedicate a few minutes each day to jot down three things you are grateful for. This simple practice encourages a positive outlook and helps shift focus toward the positive aspects of your life
- Create a gratitude jar or box where you can deposit notes of gratitude where you write down moments, experiences, or things you’re thankful for. Periodically revisit these notes for a boost of positivity
As you foster gratitude, your focus shifts from desperate yearning to embracing the richness of your current experiences. By acknowledging the abundance in your life, you’ll find contentment within yourself, making the quest for a relationship less pressing and more aligned with your authentic desires.

9. Explore new hobbies and interests

You can invest in personal development through reading, attending workshops, or pursuing further education. Expand your knowledge and skills at the pace you want. This sense of fulfillment diminishes the need for external validation. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow in the areas that excite you. Some benefits of doing so are:
- Joyful interests broaden your horizons, enriching your sense of self
- Igniting your curiosity and passion diverts the mind in a healthy manner
- It can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and lead to new connections and heartening experiences
Related Reading: 6 Reasons Why Being Single Is Better Than Being In A Relationship

10. Travel and explore in order to stop yourself from wanting a relationship

Travelling and exploring by oneself can help in self growth

There must be some new places you wish to see. Make it a goal to travel and explore more. Embark on adventures, explore new places, and immerse yourself in diverse cultures to broaden your perspective and create memorable experiences. Traveling solo for women helps reassert their freedom. But, just keep the following tips in mind:
- Choose a destination that aligns with your interests and comfort level
- Plan ahead as much as you can, yet try to keep some flexibility and spontaneity
- Start small if it’s your first solo trip
- Pack light and smart
- Most importantly, stay connected and safe. Share travel plans with trusted close ones
11. Volunteer and give back

A study found that people who volunteer often feel more content in their lives. Social services can provide support, resources, and a sense of community, fostering feelings of belonging and reducing isolation.

You can contribute to your community and make a positive impact in the lives of others through acts of kindness and service. Volunteer in an animal shelter (who can stop wanting affection from animals?). Or choose any other cause that is near to your heart. This would help you give back some of the love and feel a little more.

12. Cultivate sexual freedom to get out of the “I’m single” funk

For many folks, indulging in safe, consensual sexual practices is essential to being more content in life. To not be desperate for a relationship, look after yourself sexually first. This is an area we usually find ourselves depending on others for. There are many ways for you to satisfy yourself, and one of the simplest ones is through pleasure aids.

If you embrace this spectrum of experiences without shame, you will not only be able to break free from over-dependence on others for sexual gratification, but also be able to gain personal empowerment and a profound self-connection. Then, once you the right person, wanting more in a relationship sexually would be an easy need to express. Because now you know exactly what you desire in bed.

Related Reading: 7 Signs That Gadgets Ruin Relationships With Their “Technoference”

13. Practice mindfulness to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings

Try to be present in the moment, cultivate self-awareness, and develop a deeper understanding of your own thoughts and emotions. It ensures overall health, inner peace, and self-acceptance too. Some ways to practice mindfulness are:
- Grounding techniques: Pay attention to your senses when feelings of desperation arise. Connect with the present moment by focusing on what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. This helps redirect attention away from relationship-related anxieties
- Thought-challenging activity: When desperate thoughts surface, question their validity and replace them with more balanced and realistic perspectives. Mindfulness helps create distance from automatic negative thoughts
As you develop a deeper connection with yourself and your emotions, the need for external validation diminishes, and you’ll discover that true contentment lies in the richness of your own inner world.

14. Process your past experiences to stop wanting a relationship so badly

Reflect on past relationships, learn from them, and work on healing any emotional wounds or unresolved issues. Here’s how it’ll help:
- Experiences with relationships contribute to the way we approach romance in the present, so focus on resolving or accepting the past. This closure fosters emotional healing and a healthier approach to future relationships
- Understanding the emotions tied to your past relationships can heal, foster resilience, and develop an emotionally healthy mindset
- This will also provide you more clarity about your desires, deal-breakers, and relationship goals
15. Engage in positive affirmations

A study shows that “self-affirmations can restore self-competence by allowing individuals to reflect on sources of self-worth, such as core values.” Sometimes we forget about our own self. Affirm your worth and contentment in being single. Remind yourself of the benefits and opportunities that come with singlehood. Focus on all the things you love about yourself and try to be more accepting of yourself as you are.

16. Build a support network that validates your single status

It’s important to have friends, family, or support groups who understand your desire to focus on personal growth. With a strong network of care, you can go through life without desperately wanting a relationship to fill that void.
- Try to take a step back from hanging out with people in relationships for some time
- Spend some more time with single people who are thriving in their lives
- Surround yourself with understanding and loving individuals who celebrate your journey of self-discovery
- These people and groups can provide the much-needed emotional backing and validation that you need and deserve. This encouragement and companionship can foster a sense of security and belonging
17. Take breaks from dating apps and social media

Disconnecting from the constant exposure to others’ relationships can shift your focus inward, toward finding contentment within yourself. Taking breaks from dating apps and social media creates space for self-reflection, self-care, and originality in thought. By detaching from the constant comparison and external validation and pressures, you’ll foster a stronger sense of independence and joy, making the quest for a relationship a choice rooted in authenticity rather than a means to seek validation from others.

Related Reading: 25 Motivating Divorce Quotes to Help You Move On

18. Cultivate a fulfilling career to get over the relationship obsession

In this race of wanting a perfect partner, we often forget about other aspects of life. Invest your time and energy in building a satisfying professional life that brings you a sense of purpose. This can provide a source of purpose and accomplishment, reducing the sole focus on finding a partner.

Start the journey of personal and professional growth, and you’ll discover that true contentment arises from a well-rounded life. By channeling your passion and energy into building a rewarding career, you’ll develop a stronger sense of self.

19. Engage in self-reflection

Evaluate your own wants, needs, and values regularly. Ensure that your desires for a relationship align with your authentic self. Wanting a relationship is great but requires a lot of consideration.
- Through regular introspection, you’ll develop a deeper understanding of what you truly seek in a relationship
- Through the process of self-discovery, you’ll find that the desire for a meaningful partnership arises from a place of authenticity, rather than a need for someone to distract from or resolve your issues
- You’ll then be able to foster a genuine connection that complements your life, and not completes your life
20. Practice patience and trust in timing

True connections often come when you least expect them. Trust the journey and know that the right partner will come into your life when the time is right. Don’t try to rush things and learn to go with the flow. Practice patience and trust the timing of life — Have faith in the right person finding you.
Key Pointers

Many people in our relationship-obsessed society are highly focused on finding a partner to stop feeling lonely and to be desired. So, it is possible that you feel desperate to find a relationship hero because of social pressure or just to rescue you from your mundane life

Before finding a partner, you need to first focus on yourself and feel accepted by yourself

If all your attention goes toward finding your right person, you spend a lot of your energy chasing this dream. So to stop wanting a relationship for some time, turn the focus inward and introspect on your values, support network, core needs, and career

Some other ways to get over the intense longing: Quit dating apps for a while, learn a new language, change up your daily routine, focus a lot more on your friendships, or maybe even volunteer for a cause you care deeply about
In conclusion, breaking free from the relentless pursuit of a romantic relationship is a transformative journey. By implementing the 20 practical tips provided in this article, you can stop wanting a relationship so desperately by redirecting your focus and discovering your independence.

If you still want a romantic relationship, first focus on self-love, obtain a healthier mindset, and work on your personal goals. By letting go of societal expectations and embracing personal growth, you can get rid of the urgent desire for a relationship and discover a deep sense of contentment in your own life.

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February 7, 2024
Discover Your Worth: 13 Ways To Feel Loved And Appreciated
Have you ever told yourself, “I want to feel loved by someone”? The statement is much more common than you think since the desire to feel loved is a fundamental human need. Wanting to feel loved by your husband, partner, friends, or family is a natural desire and an essential part of your emotional well-being. It plays an important role in your feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence. Unless you are in an incompatible relationship, one of the reasons you feel you are not receiving love in your relationship stems from your inability to love yourself.

In this article, we speak to Jui Pimple (MA in Psychology), a trained Rational Emotive Behavior Therapist and a Bach Remedy practitioner who specializes in online counseling. According to Jui, this inability to love ourselves stems from a lack of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance requires learning to accept ourselves the way we are, including our thoughts, feelings, and physical self. Let’s go about this journey together.

Why Do I Struggle To Feel Loved?

We all need to be loved, whether or not we admit it. Wanting to feel loved by your husband or partner and not getting that love can be painful, and life can be lonely and empty without it. A recent statistical study shows that 43% of people between the ages of 18 to 25 report that they feel unloved; 80 % of people below the age of 18 responded that they feel lonely.

Feeling unwanted or unloved is an emotion that can also be caused and influenced by several other factors. Recognizing the validity of these feelings and how they can affect you is important. The causes of these feelings can be varied and unique to you as an individual but with several common underlying factors. The answer to the concern – how to feel loved in a relationship – can be more easily understood if one were to gain an understanding of those factors.

1. Past experiences contribute to self-esteem issues

Our past experiences can powerfully impact our ability to feel loved. Romantic relationships that have gone sour, romantic partners that have cheated, childhood neglect, and other emotional trauma can cause wounds to our psyche. These wounds act as barriers to our ability to feel loved.

Related Reading: 10 Things To Do If You Are Feeling Unappreciated In Your Relationship

2. In turn, low self-esteem doesn’t make you feel appreciated

A negative self-image can make you feel that you are undeserving of love. “How can your partner love you if you do not love yourself?” – People say this sometimes. It’s unfair because having low self-esteem is not a ‘fault’ and it’s no reason for someone to not love you.

Low self-esteem is merely one of the reasons that one FEELS unloved. Even when showered with love and affection, it can make you feel unworthy of it all.

3. You may have an inability to be vulnerable

Being vulnerable with your partner or loved ones is essential to giving and receiving love. But the fear of getting hurt can prevent you from becoming vulnerable and sharing openly with those closest to you. You may even find difficulty in expressing appreciation toward others, which in turn prevents you from engaging completely with your partner. All of this makes you feel isolated from them, and thus impacts the way you perceive yourself.

4. Having unrealistic expectations can make you feel like you don’t belong with others

Unrealistic expectations of what love should be like and how a person in love should behave or feel, often colored by today’s media, can lead you to be dissatisfied in a real-world relationship. This dissatisfaction may be a cause of your inability to feel loved.

Follow these to love yourself a little more every day

5. Poor communication skills

Poor communication skills can cause misunderstanding, exacerbating conflicts and affecting a relationship severely. It is essential to a healthy relationship to be able to express your feelings and needs to your partner, or to any person at all. It can otherwise be difficult for them to provide you with the support you need and deserve, thus making you feel they don’t care about you.

Related Reading: 11 Relationship Challenges Almost Everyone Has To Face – With Solutions

6. Depression and anxiety make one feel “I’m not lovable”

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues can negatively affect your ability to feel loved. These can lead to negative feelings of unworthiness and cause you to worry about the state of your relationship(s) constantly. It’s important to remember that “it’s not you, it’s your mental health” that’s making you feel this way.

7. Poor choice of role models can affect the way you perceive yourself

Role models, especially in our formative years, are important in shaping our self-esteem and understanding of a healthy, loving relationship. A study of 36 female college students found that participants who had a healthy role model had higher self-esteem scores than those who didn’t. A lack of positive role models can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, with their negativity coloring your outlook and self-image. Surrounding yourself with positive role models can help turn you into a person with a kind outlook toward others and yourself.

If you feel unloved and keep telling yourself, “I want to be loved by someone,” it is probably caused by one or more of these factors. Getting to the root of this belief requires self-reflection, introspection, and maybe even therapy. While the process of introspection can seem like a painful, uphill struggle, you need to start healing your broken heart. The road to feeling loved is a journey that requires patience and perseverance. With time, the positive changes that occur will be their own reward.

How To Feel Loved — 13 Simple Ways

Today, with the frenetic pace of life and skyrocketing divorce rates and breakups, more and more people live in isolation without the intimacy that comes from romantic relationships. The isolation may occur even in the company of others, be it family, coworkers, or friends. In this section, we tackle the question of how to feel loved again in a world where connections seem fragile.

1. Learn to love yourself

Self-love is the way forward if you want to learn how to feel loved again. “It all begins with self-acceptance,” according to Jui, “and for this, you must get to know yourself.” She adds:
- A balanced view of your assets and liabilities will help in this regard
- Treat yourself with kindness and compassion
- Don’t be too hard on yourself for any perceived mistakes
- You will begin to feel good and, eventually, start feeling loved with your partner(s)
2. Learn to set boundaries if you are feeling unloved

Boundaries are essential for taking care of ourselves. Too often, feelings of low self-esteem will allow us to accept behavior from family members or our partners in romantic relationships that hurts us. Learn to set healthy boundaries and communicate your feelings when required. This tells others that your needs and feelings are to be respected and you can’t be taken advantage of.

Clear boundaries in your relationships will help you feel appreciated and with the right people, the love will only grow. Jui says, “This can be done by learning to become more assertive. Assertiveness can be learned through therapy or reading self-help books.” Alternatively, you could try the following to eventually reach the goal of setting much-needed limits for others without feeling bad or worrying too much about their feelings:
- Begin by communicating just one need to your closest friend, something you’ve never said to them before
- Prioritize your self-care every day, it’ll help you be assertive in the long term
- Learn to say “no” in the mirror. Sit with the discomfort that comes with wanting to say or having said ‘no’
- Introspect: Why do you need to do that task/favor? Can someone else do it? Would you be able to do it justice if you don’t have the capacity or will? What happens if you don’t do the task?
Related Reading: Emotional Baggage – Causes, Signs, And Ways To Cope

3. Be grateful

Gratitude is a powerful tool in changing your perspective to the positive side. A study has shown that practicing gratitude lessens stress, anxiety, and depression. Practicing gratitude regularly helps you look at the positive side of life rather than the negative.

Gradually, your focus will shift from a poor self-image, and you will begin to feel good about yourself and more appreciated in your interactions with others too. Making a gratitude list daily or keeping a gratitude diary will take just a few minutes, but the results are worth it.

4. Be around positive people to feel good about yourself

“We are known by the company we keep” is a truism that one forgets. Being around pessimists and cynics automatically colors one’s perspective. According to social psychologist Professor Fredrickson of the University of North Carolina, people with a positive attitude overcome difficulties more quickly and are more resilient.

By surrounding yourself with positive people, you will see their attitude rub off on you, which will, in turn, change your perception of yourself. This will help you increase your self-esteem, and stop feeling not good enough for someone or something.

5. Build up your self-esteem and self-confidence

This is the key to feeling loved and appreciated by your partner and other loved ones. Jui says:
- Self-awareness is the key to improving your self-esteem and self-confidence. It entails being aware of your strengths and weaknesses
- You can then focus on improving your skills and talents and learn to appreciate your achievements, no matter how small they seem
- Daily positive self-talk in front of the mirror can be an effective confidence booster to help you achieve a positive attitude
- Try to take compliments with pride and not underestimate yourself
Related Reading: Will I Ever Find Love? 10 Reasons To Be Optimistic

6. How to feel loved by yourself — Stop seeking external validation

Learn to seek validation from within and not depend on your partner’s approval to feel good about yourself. Begin to trust your own judgments and opinions. A study shows that an individual’s negative self-perception and their weak beliefs in their own qualifications may be a strong factor in the occurrence of depression.

It’s easy to see why people depend on external validation when the internal source of approval is missing. And yes, we do need others to lead healthy lives and to regulate ourselves — Nothing wrong with seeking emotional validation in your circle of trusted folks. But if that becomes the only way you feel loved, then it’s a problem.

7. Be an open book

Be open and honest in your interactions, especially with your family, friends, and partners. This is an essential step to start feeling loved by others and yourself. Do not be afraid to express yourself. Effective communication is the key to forming a deeper bond with your loved ones because you’re letting them see you for who you are and love you for who you are.

If you’re unable to speak to them in person initially due to anxiety or low self-worth or because you prefer other modes of communication, you can try these:
- Writing them a letter instead of talking it out
- Practicing in front of the mirror until you get confident about expressing your feelings
- Texting them how you feel
8. Learn what taking care of yourself means

Taking care of yourself is an act of self-love, not a selfish act. Allocate time for doing things that make you feel good and at peace. Don’t allocate the majority of your day to your partner or waiting for them. You come first.

Taking care of the little things, like having a daily routine, can also go a long way in boosting your ego. Self-care is your way of telling yourself and your partner that you value yourself.

9. How to feel loved in a relationship — Learn to be empathetic

An ability to understand the feelings of others is known as empathy. By developing this ability, you can forge deeper and stronger connections with your partner, thus improving your relationship. Jui says, “Being more empathetic requires practice. My experience in practicing empathy was to put myself in the shoes of others, thinking of how I would think, feel, and react in their situation.”

Practicing empathy will make your friends, family members, and loved ones love you more. Kindness and compassion toward others, even strangers, will go a long way in making you a more emotionally intelligent person. And a less reactive one, too.

10. Track your personal growth

Focusing on your personal growth can lead to an increased sense of self-worth.
- Keep a journal where you set self-esteem goals for yourself
- This can provide you with a record of your progress and incentivise further change. This will help you feel more appreciated by yourself
- Do not be afraid of making mistakes, as they allow you to learn and grow the most
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Grow In A Relationship Every Day

11. Remind yourself that it is okay to be vulnerable

Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Research has shown that labeling an emotion or talking about it can help downregulate or decrease the effect of that emotion. Here’s how it helps:
- Being vulnerable means trusting your partner, even if your past experiences tell you otherwise
- Being intimate with your loved ones can help strengthen your relationships, allowing others to see you for who you are
- Ridding yourself of masks can lead to greater feelings of love and appreciation from and toward your partner
Remember being vulnerable in front of the people you love doesn’t make you weak

12. Physical touch is important if you want to know how to be loved by yourself

Physical touch is an important part of self-care and a vital part of any relationship. But before you move on to getting intimate with a partner, it is recommended that you explore and comfort yourself through self-touch. Get to know your body through:
- Masturbation
- Self-massage
- Hugging yourself
- Stretching and yoga
Also, ensure that you spend time regularly with your partner, quality time that helps cement the bonds of your relationship. Put away your phones and enjoy each other’s company by being in the moment and paying attention to each other. Scheduling date nights will help you spend time with each other and make you feel loved by your partner in new ways with every date. This way, the next step toward intimacy and getting comfortable with your likes and dislikes around physical touch will become a lot clearer.

Related Reading: Love Again? 10 Real Fears About Love After Divorce

13. Seek professional help

If you are struggling with self-esteem issues and are struggling to feel loved, then you can seek help from a professional too. This is especially recommended if you are depressed or have an underlying mental health condition. A therapist or counselor could show you that your feelings are valid and how to feel loved in a relationship, and provide you with the help and support you need to face these challenges. To make this journey easier, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.

By following these 13 simple steps, you will learn how to feel loved and appreciated and become more confident and self-assured.
Key Pointers

Learning self-love by learning to accept yourself is the key to feeling loved by your partner

Cultivating positivity by practicing gratitude and surrounding yourself with positive role models is also essential to feeling good about yourself

Honest and open communication skills, as well as knowing and stating your boundaries, these are all vital for the maintenance of a healthy relationship where you feel appreciated

Trust that the road to personal growth is a long one, but the end is worth your while
Discovering your worth, feeling loved by yourself and others, and feeling appreciated even during conflicts in a romantic relationship, are all parts of a journey that begins within yourself. You can build a strong sense of self-worth that will positively impact all areas of your life. Remember that you deserve to feel cherished, and by following these 13 ways, you can uncover your true value and lead a more fulfilling life.

FAQs

1. Who deserves love?

Everybody deserves to be loved and to feel loved, regardless of the flaws and mistakes they’ve made. However, to feel loved, you need to be able to accept yourself, and that is where your self-esteem is important. Self-esteem greatly influences how you regard yourself and how the world regards you. If you don’t feel worthy of love and constantly run yourself down, others will not respect you. Learning to appreciate yourself for who you are will go a long way to raising your self-esteem and help you realize that you are worthy of love.

2. Why don’t I feel like I deserve love?

Being hurt in the past by others can cause us to build protective walls around ourselves. The intent is to protect ourselves from further harm. Over time, these protective walls can keep others at bay and prevent us from receiving love, too. Coupled with feelings of unworthiness, we start to believe that we are not worthy of love and attention. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where the more we try to protect ourselves, the more we end up hurting ourselves.

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November 20, 2023
Why Does Love Hurt So Much and What to Do?
Love is a bewildering emotion, often celebrated as one of life’s greatest joys, yet it’s equally notorious for causing profound pain and heartache. But how can love hurt if it is such a beautiful feeling? The enigma of ‘why does love hurt so much’ has perplexed poets, philosophers, psychologists, and ordinary individuals alike for centuries.

We asked our expert counselor Nandita Rambhia (M.Sc. in Psychology) to help us understand why some circumstances can make even true love hurt so much. Read on to find out what she has to say about the matter.

One of the prime reasons why love hurts so much in a relationship is its vulnerability. When we open ourselves to love, we are exposed to the risk of rejection, betrayal, and loss. Additionally, the biochemical underpinnings of love, including the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, create a euphoric rush that can be addictive. When this wanes or is disrupted, it can lead to withdrawal symptoms akin to physical injury or physical pain.

Dr. Helen Fisher’s study on why love hurts used fMRI to examine brain activity in individuals who had recently experienced romantic rejection. The results revealed that the same parts of the brain associated with physical pain were activated when participants viewed images of their former partners. This research helps us gain insight of the complex relationship between love, rejection, and the neural pathways and processes involved.

13 Reasons Why Love Hurts So Much

Love is painful and can be so excruciating sometimes. At its core, love is a deeply complex and multifaceted emotion, capable of evoking an array of intense feelings, from euphoria and contentment to despair and suffering. The profound connection that love fosters can intensify the anguish when that connection is severed or damaged, making us feel pain. Moreover, the expectations we attach to love, influenced by societal ideals, romantic narratives, and personal perspectives of romance and desires, can set us up for disappointment and emotional turmoil when reality falls short of these lofty ideals.

Delving into the numerous reasons behind love’s capacity to cause pain unveils the intricacy of human emotions and relationships. Here are 13 factors that can answer the question “Why does love hurt so much?”:

1. Vulnerability and uncertainty

Love requires opening up emotionally, which makes us susceptible to rejection and hurt. Not knowing where a relationship is headed can be distressing. Here’s how it can hurt us:
- Vulnerability can hurt because it involves exposing our true selves, making us susceptible to rejection or betrayal. This emotional openness can be challenging and painful when it’s met with disappointment or hurtful actions
- Miscommunication, or sometimes simply distance, can create uncertainty, which is antagonizing because it creates anxiety about the future of the relationship and can bring up difficult emotions
- It can also become difficult to get your partner to open up to you if they are scared of vulnerability and cause harm to the relationship
Still wondering “Why does it hurt to be away from the person you love?” The answer is simple. Not knowing where you stand or whether the person you love reciprocates those feelings can lead to emotional distress, doubt, and insecurity, causing a sense of unease and discomfort in the relationship, especially when you’re aching for love.

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Stimulate Vulnerability In A Relationship

2. Fear of rejection and unrequited love

You know what it’s like when you love someone so much it hurts? Sometimes, it is because we fear that they won’t feel the same way about us. Nandita says, “If you, or your thoughts, or your ideas, are rejected, that hurt can be very painful and difficult to overcome.” Here’s how:
- The fear of not being loved in return can lead to anxiety and pain
- Being afraid of rejection really stings, making you worry that you’re not good enough for someone, and it can leave you feeling pretty down
- Unrequited love is a tough pill to swallow. It’s like having a one-sided crush that leaves you feeling sad, longing for something that’s just not there
The fear of rejection and unrequited love can make you want to run away from love

3. Betrayal

Trust can be shattered when a partner betrays your confidence or is unfaithful. Betrayal in love cuts deep because it shatters the trust and emotional connection you’ve built with someone you care about deeply. It leaves wounds that are not easily healed, causing profound emotional pain, anger, and a sense of betrayal. Coping with the knowledge that someone you loved and trusted has let you down can be emotionally devastating and can have long-lasting effects on your ability to trust in future relationships. This breaks a person emotionally, developing trust issues, so much so that they’re unable to trust a new partner as well.

4. Loss

Love can end through breakups, causing profound grief. Sometimes, the grief and loss of loved one can affect you so much that the pain can seep through into your other relationships as well. The loss of love hurts so much in a relationship that it breaks you from within, especially if your partner used to be in love with you but later fell out of it for some reason. Their absence feels like an ache deep in your soul, a constant reminder of their significance in your life. The void left by their absence is accompanied by a profound sense of grief, sadness, and longing. It’s a painful reminder of the moments and memories you once cherished together, making it one of the most emotionally challenging experiences one can endure.

Related Reading: How To Get Through A Breakup Alone?

5. Unrealistic expectations

High expectations in relationships can lead to disappointment when reality falls short, making it a recipe for heartache, instilling a lot of negative emotions in you. Here’s how:
- When we set the bar too high, it’s easy to feel hurt when the reality that we face doesn’t match our fantasies
- The gap between what we hoped for and what we experience can lead to disappointment, frustration, and distress, as we grapple with the discrepancy between our idealized notions of love and the complexities of real-life relationships
6. Incompatibility

When love encounters incompatibility, it can be a real heartache. It’s like trying to fit puzzle pieces that just don’t match, leading to constant conflicts and misunderstandings. Even when you love someone so much it hurts, it is possible that your values, goals, or personalities clash, creating a persistent sense of frustration and sorrow, making it challenging to sustain a fulfilling relationship.

7. Communication issues

When there’s a lack of clear and honest communication, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can flourish, causing unnecessary conflicts and emotional distress. It’s like trying to navigate a relationship in the dark, with both partners feeling unheard or frustrated, which can erode the trust and connection that love thrives on, turning your life upside down.

Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips

8. Jealousy

Jealousy is like a pesky little gremlin. It’s that nagging sensation that someone’s trying to rain on your parade, making you all jittery and unsure. When it takes center stage, it can wreak havoc on your relationship, hampering your self-esteem and your bond with your partner. When jealousy takes hold, it can strain relationships, erode trust, and cause agony as you wrestle with feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing the person you care about.

9. Fear of abandonment

Abandonment issues can make love feel precarious and anxiety-inducing. The fear of abandonment in love is like a persistent shadow. It’s this nagging concern that your special someone might one day walk away, stirring up anxiety and self-doubt. This fear can cast a shadow over your relationship, causing emotional turmoil as you wrestle with the prospect of being left behind. It affects your trust and closeness with your partner, leaving you aching for love.

Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

10. Past trauma and unresolved issues

Previous heartbreak or emotional wounds can affect current relationships, festering and causing pain. Past trauma and unresolved issues can inflict deep emotional wounds. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack full of old hurts and scars into a new relationship. These lingering issues can resurface, triggering emotional pain, mistrust, and conflict, preventing you from opening up fully and experiencing the love and connection you desire.

Likewise, unresolved issues are like the persistent storm clouds that refuse to clear. They hang over the relationship, causing tension, frustration, grief, and regret. These issues can lead to recurring conflicts, making it difficult to move forward and find happiness together.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are A ffecting Your Present Relationship

11. Fear of intimacy

Opening up emotionally can trigger fear and psychological torment. You can think to yourself, “I love you so much it hurts,” but it won’t matter until you let your partner in to see all the good and the bad. Fear of intimacy is like having walls around your heart that keep you from fully connecting with your partner. You build invisible barriers to protect yourself from painful emotions and hurt. This fear can leave you feeling isolated and disappointed, as you struggle to let your guard down and share your true self, which can hinder the depth and fulfillment of your relationship.

12. Insecurity

Relationship insecurity can be a wrecking ball, causing emotional turbulence and eroding the foundation of love. It’s like a persistent cloud of doubt that casts shadows over trust and intimacy. Here’s how it affects relationships:
- Low self-esteem can lead to doubts about being worthy of love. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself and fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner
- Insecurity can lead you to an emotional rollercoaster of jealousy, constant reassurance-seeking behavior, and fear of abandonment, ultimately driving a wedge between you and your partner and harming the connection that sustains love.
- Over time, insecurity can destroy the fabric of the relationship, leaving both individuals hurt and the love diminished.
13. Attachment styles

Having different attachment styles in love can be a bit like dancing out of sync. It’s like speaking different emotional languages, where one partner might want more closeness, while the other might value independence. These contrasting needs can spark conflicts and insecurities, causing emotional turbulence and potentially harming the relationship by making it tough to meet each other’s emotional expectations. This is why it becomes important to understand attachment styles psychology and how you can use it to make your relationship better. Negative attachment styles learned from former partners can make you question, “Is love supposed to hurt this much all the time?”

Related Reading: Love Vs Attachment: Is It Real Love? Understanding The Difference

These could be some of the answers to your question: “How can true love hurt so much?” There could be many other reasons for you to feel pain in love and get hurt in relationships, but we must try to find a silver lining, move forward, and find a way to cope with the pain.

How To Cope With The Pain Of Love

Love is one of the few very complicated emotions, and coping with the pain of love, whether it’s due to rejection, betrayal, or the natural ups and downs of relationships, can be a challenging journey. You’ll want to scream, “Why does love hurt so much?,” because, let’s admit it, love is painful. It is a deeply emotional experience, and when it hurts, it can feel overwhelming, just like facing a storm.

Related Reading: 11 Si gns You Are In A ‘Comp licated Relationship’

Nandita explains, “When in a relationship, it is important to not lose yourself entirely in that person, or in that relationship. It is important to keep your identity intact, because at some point, it will act as a coping mechanism to help protect you and overcome the pain.”

Here are several strategies to help you navigate and cope with the pain of love:
- Allow yourself to grieve: It’s important to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the pain. Grieving the loss or disappointment is a natural part of healing. Suppressing emotions can prolong the healing process
- Practice self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical and emotional well-being and your mental health. This might include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or simply taking time for yourself to relax and heal
- Set boundaries: If the pain is caused by an unhealthy relationship, set boundaries or consider distancing yourself from the source of the pain. Protect your emotional health by prioritizing your well-being
- Reflect and learn: Use this time to reflect on the relationship and the emotions you’re experiencing. What can you learn from the experience? How can you grow and become stronger from it?
- Focus on growth: Channel your energy into personal growth and self-improvement. Pursue goals, passions, or hobbies that fulfill you and enhance your self-esteem. Nandita points out, “It is important to accept yourself, be non-judgmental, and keep yourself going. Give yourself time to heal, stay active, and practice a lot of self-care”
- Positive affirmations: Practice positive self-talk and affirmations to boost your self-confidence and self-worth. Remind yourself of your strengths and value as an individual
- Limit social media: Avoid excessive exposure to your ex-partner’s social media or romanticized portrayals of love. These can exacerbate feelings of pain and inadequacy
Disconnecting from social media and your phone for some time can be very helpful
- Talk to someone: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking about your emotions can provide relief and perspective. It can also help you process and make sense of what you’re going through. You may also consider joining support groups or online communities where you can connect with others who have experienced pain similar to yours. Sharing stories and advice can be comforting
- Time and patience: Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and understand that the intensity of the pain will gradually diminish as you move forward
- Seek professional help: If the pain becomes overwhelming or persists for an extended period, consider seeking professional therapy or counseling. A therapist can provide guidance and tools to help you cope effectively. This is why experienced counselors from Bonobology’s panel are here to offer you support. Don’t shy away from seeking help from them.
Coping with the pain of love is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s essential to find strategies that resonate with you and align with your unique circumstances. Remember that healing is possible, and with time and self-compassion, you can emerge from the pain of love stronger and wiser.
Key Pointers

The intricate interplay between pleasure and pain in the realm of love stems from a combination of psychological, biological, and societal factors

Among other reasons, when your expectations in a relationship are not met with, it is likely to cause pain and make you feel hurt

The fear of rejection, betrayal, uncertainty, or being vulnerable, can cause you pain and lead you to distance yourself from the person you love

Incompatibility, communication issues, past trauma, and insecurity can make love hurt

Setting boundaries, self-care, talking to someone, or seeking professional help are some of the ways you can cope with the hurt or pain of love
In the labyrinthine tapestry of human emotions, love stands as a paradoxical masterpiece, capable of illuminating our lives with unmatched joy and yet plunging us into the depths of despair. Love hurts because it is a testament to our unguarded naked truth, demanding that we open our hearts and risk uncertainty and catastrophe. But in this enigmatic blend of pleasure and pain, love remains a powerful force that shapes our existence, teaching us profound lessons about empathy and the resilience of the human spirit.

FAQs

1. Is it normal for love to hurt?

Any relationship will go through its cycles of love and hurt. So, it is normal to be hurt in relationships. Nandita says, “When we are romantically involved with someone, or in love, we experience a lot of extreme highs and lows. It’s like you’re floating on cloud nine, and when something negative happens, even if it is small, you come crashing down, making you feel hurt.”

2. What is the most painful thing in love?

According to Nandita, there are quite a few things that can be painful in love. “Something as small as disagreements, a negative comment, negativity toward each other, or something as big as a breakup can be painful. All these lead to marked lows in the relationship, making you feel hurt”, she says.

3. Does true love always hurt?

Love and hurt are two sides of the same coin. So, as mentioned above, a myriad of reasons can make even true love hurt, but not always. “In the end, true love will prove to be stronger and will be able to withstand any hurdles and overcome the hurt,” says Nandita.

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November 9, 2023
23 Backhanded Compliment Examples in Everyday Life That Are Actually Insults
Backhanded compliments, also known as left-handed compliments, fake compliments, or negging, are a form of communication that combines both praise and insult in a subtle or indirect way. These are remarks that may initially seem like compliments but actually contain subtle criticism or insincerity.

The person giving these compliments is often one of our friends and colleagues. It leaves the recipient feeling unsure about the giver’s true intentions. Research states, “We predict that although backhanded compliments are intended to generate liking and convey status, they fail to elicit either, because people who deliver backhanded compliments are perceived as strategic and overly-concerned with impression management.”

It is common to impulsively reply when veiled insults are uttered to you, but you need to learn some smart comebacks for backhanded compliments. These will help you take a stand without being too mean.

What Are Backhanded Compliments?

Backhanded compliments hurt people’s feelings. A person could think they are commending your abilities or achievements, but in reality, what they’re saying comes off as presumptuous and disrespectful. Or they do want to be rude to you but wrap up the comment in a way that it looks like a praise, ultimately confusing you.

Related Reading: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting And 5 Ways To Deal With It
- Backhanded compliments take on various forms, such as insults disguised as compliments, passive-aggressive comments, or veiled comparisons
- These insulting compliments are often used to hide insecurity in conversations to subtly undermine someone’s confidence, self-esteem, or accomplishments, while maintaining a facade of politeness
- They can be used intentionally or unintentionally and are commonly employed in social settings, sometimes as a means of asserting dominance, but are always uttered as sugar-coated words. We live in a so-called polite society after all
- These demeaning and fake compliments could be about anything, like your gained or lost weight, age, hair, appearance, life, job, business idea, or what you wear
- For example, saying “Your new haircut makes you look much better,” “You look nicer when you have your hair straight” or “This is the ugliest shirt I’ve seen; only you could have made it look decent” are backhanded compliments because they imply an underlying insult or disbelief in the person’s choices or looks
- Another example is when someone’s update on Instagram makes us feel inferior and we try to bring them down with backhanded compliments like “I love that you have so much time in the day to put up these wonderful posts on Instagram”
- A form of backhanded compliments is ‘negging‘. It is a classic form of emotional manipulation which is defined as low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances”
It doesn’t matter who you are; everyone has experienced backhanded compliments some time in their lives. This is why it is important to learn how to identify them and deal with them.

As receivers, it is crucial that we recognize these disguised slights for what they are and respond with assertiveness. As givers, we must strive to provide genuine compliments that empower and uplift rather than belittling others. These remarks showcase the intricate nuances of human communication and highlight the importance of both self-awareness and empathy.

23 Backhanded Compliment Examples In Everyday Life

We have some backhanded compliments at work listed below, so you can tell off your colleague firmly and professionally. These are subtle signs of passive-aggressive behavior and include backhanded compliment examples from family members that we all can relate to too. If you’re someone whose instincts hit quite late when someone insults you, we have got comebacks for backhanded compliments as well.

On asking how to deal with such people, a Quora user said, “With a smile. Don’t let it bother you. It is a very passive-aggressive thing to do.” Another Quora user said about insults disguised as compliments, “I pretend not to notice the backhanded part and respond as if it was a genuine compliment – perhaps slightly more enthusiastically. That leaves the person with the option of explaining that it wasn’t really a compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole), or pretending it was a genuine compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole).”

Related Reading: Emotional Abuse – 9 Signs And 5 Coping Tips

We think that it is important to reply when veiled insults start ruling the conversation. It becomes even more charming when you make yourself comfortable and keep your cool while responding to such folks. Let’s have a look at these backhanded compliments listed below and how to respond to them.

1. “You look amazing for someone who doesn’t wear makeup”

This is one of the major backhanded compliment examples for a girl. What is wrong with this ‘compliment’ is that it somehow implies that the person’s natural appearance is not attractive. The deliverer is somehow complimenting and complicating your life in one sentence.

Response: “I appreciate the compliment, but I believe everyone looks beautiful in their own way, with or without makeup”

2. “You’re pretty even without the need for all that makeup”

One of the most common backhanded compliment examples, and is often said to women. The speaker is implying that makeup is redundant or deceitful, and that people only apply it to try and look pretty.

Response: “Makeup is a form of self-expression; I wear it because I enjoy it.”

3. “You’re quite articulate for someone of your background”

This is one of the most passive aggressive backhanded compliments examples. This suggests surprise that a person can speak well despite their ‘background,’ demeaning the person as well as their race, country, class, caste, or religion.

Response: “People from diverse backgrounds are quite articulate and they probably know more than one language. How many do you know fluently?”

4. “You did an excellent job on your presentation; I didn’t expect that from you”

When we talk about backhanded compliment examples at work, this one has got to be the most common one. You must have heard colleagues or bosses use this one. It implies low expectations from the person and underestimates their abilities. This can sometimes be said by a superior who is trying to flirt and establish an office romance.

Response: “Thank you. I’m pretty proud of my presentation. I knew I’d nail it. What were you expecting, though?”

Related Reading: How To Tell If Your Boss Likes You Romantically?

5. “You’re so confident; I wish I could be reckless like you”

The backhanded compliment hints that the person’s confidence is perceived as carelessness or overconfidence.

Response: “Thank you! Confidence comes from self-assurance, calm, and positivity.”

6. “You’re really strong for a girl”

This is another one of the backhanded compliment examples for a girl. It suggests that women are typically weaker, undermining their strength. This results in low self-esteem in a lot of women.

Response: “Strength isn’t gender-specific; men can be physically weaker than women and women can be stronger than men.”

7. “You’re so lucky to have found a partner despite your quirks”

What makes this comment wrong in so many ways is that it suggests that the person’s quirks should have made them undesirable, or that having quirks and uniqueness is somehow bad. And that the person’s partner is bearing quite a burden.

Response: “That’s what happens in relationships. We both accept and love each other’s quirks. Do you have someone like that in your life too?”

People of all genders and ages have to deal with backhanded compliments in their everyday lives.

8. “You’re not like other lawyers; you’re actually fun to be around”

This particular comment on a person’s profession is one of the many backhanded compliment examples at work. It infers the stereotype about lawyers as dull and unfriendly. Comments like these can be seen in all professions, like “You’re so down to earth for an actor” or “You’re not as boring as the other people from IT.”

Response: “Being a lawyer doesn’t define a person’s entire personality. You know that, right?”

Related Reading: 13 Signs He Disrespects You And Does Not Deserve You

9. “With a little house remodeling, your place would look even better”

This comment does not have the best intentions as it implies that your home needs remodeling to be at its best. It’s coming across as nitpicking and this person is being an ungracious guest or a friend.

Response: “I wasn’t looking for feedback. And I think when a house feels like a home, that is enough for a person.”

10. “You’re so well-spoken for someone without a college degree”

By saying something like this, they are clearly underestimating the other person’s intelligence due to their educational background.

Response: “Education doesn’t determine one’s ability to communicate effectively or compassionately. In fact, many people with college degrees say whatever they want to despite how ignorant it makes them sound.”

11. “You’re brave to wear that; I could never pull it off”

This double meaning comment hints that the person’s outfit is too bold or unconventional and that they are being judged for it.

Response: “Thank you! Why am I brave? I didn’t understand. It’s just a piece of clothing.”

12. “You’re a great mom despite being so career-driven”

They are alluding that career-oriented women can’t be great parents, or a woman could only be either of the two.

Response: “I believe being a dedicated mom and professional are both achievable.”

Related Reading: 8 Signs You Have A Controlling And Manipulative Husband

13. “You’re so disciplined with your diet; I’d be miserable eating like that”

This backhanded compliment implies that the person’s healthy eating habits are a source of misery, and that they must secretly hate their lifestyle.

Response: “I enjoy eating nutritiously; it makes me feel great! You should try it.”

14. “You’re such a good athlete. Maybe because you were lucky enough to get an athletic body”

The fact that this statement attributes the person’s athletic accomplishments to luck rather than sheer hard work and talent undercuts the receiver.

Response: “I’ve worked hard to excel at my sport, and I’m proud of my progress.”

15. “You’re so organized; it’s surprising for a boy”

According to this observation, individuals of a certain gender tend to be disorganized. This is especially said to males as they are unreasonably seen as irresponsible or lazy, whilst females are seen as to have the need to always be organized because it’s their job to make sure everything is in its place.

Response: “Organization is a valuable skill for any gender.”

Related Reading: 50 Compliments For Men That Make Them Happy

16. “You’re very intelligent for a woman of your descent”

This statement implies that knowledge depends on your gender and race. And that intelligence, womanhood, and certain races have very less compatibility. Women all around the world have to hear comments like these, especially those who aren’t Caucasian, like Brown and Black women.

Response: “This was quite an ignorant remark for someone who’s white. Gender and race don’t dictate one’s capacity to learn and grow.”

17. “You’re a great artist, considering your limited resources”

This ambiguous remark suggests that the artist’s work is only impressive because of limitations and not their talent. The artist may not even perceive their resources to be limited, but this speaker certainly thinks they are.

Response: “Artists create art from the heart, regardless of their resources.”

18. “You’re so patient with your disabled child; I’d lose my mind in your shoes”

In essence, this phrase implies that disabled children are a burden. It’s ableist and adds to the systemic bias against disabled people.

Response: “Parenting has its challenges, but I cherish every moment with my kids. It’s not exactly sensitive to want a specific kind of child.”

Related Reading: Worst Parenting Mistakes We Always Make And Should Immediately Correct

19. “You have a great smile despite having unaligned teeth”

This person is unfairly assuming that a smile can only be appealing if you have perfectly aligned teeth. The fact that they even noticed the teeth and then thought it’s okay to point them out as a flaw is ridiculous. Instead, one should always try to make others smile.

Response: “I didn’t understand. The setting of one’s teeth does not have anything to do with a great smile.”

20. “You’re very successful despite your difficult upbringing”

According to this remark, achievement shouldn’t be expected given the person’s upbringing. This remark may be a genuine compliment in another context, but no one should bring up anyone’s childhood traumas when they wish to commend their success.

Response: “My upbringing has shaped me, but it doesn’t define my success.”

21. “You’re such a good listener for someone who talks a lot”

The remark implies that the person’s chatty nature ought to impair their ability to listen, or that being both simultaneously is not possible. Also, the speaker clearly doesn’t appreciate the other’s conversations and thought this is the best way to tell them.

Response: “I believe in balanced communication; talking and listening are both important.”

22. “You’re a talented musician, especially for someone without formal training”

The other person’s musical abilities and hard work are being underestimated in favor of a mostly inaccessible formal education.

Response: “Music is a passion, and I’ve honed my skills through dedication and practice. As many musicians do.”

23. “You’re a great leader for someone who’s usually so introverted”

This statement inaccurately implies that introverted people are often not effective leaders.

Related Reading: Dating An Introvert – 11 Communication Hacks To Use

Response: “Introverts actually excel in leadership roles by leveraging their unique strengths. Leadership doesn’t belong to certain personality styles.”

In response to backhanded compliments, it’s essential to maintain confidence and assertiveness. You can acknowledge the compliment aspect, if you want to, while addressing the underlying issue or misconception politely. This helps educate the person and encourages more respectful communication.
Key Pointers

Backhanded comments can be hurtful to people because they are actually insults that are disguised as compliments

These unflattering comments are frequently employed in social situations to degrade someone’s accomplishments or self-worth while putting on a front of civility

“You’re really opinionated for a woman” or “You’ve got such strong features despite having brown skin” are a few of the examples of backhanded compliments and one should know why they are harmful

Sometimes, responding when someone insults you like that is requisite, but it’s also really important to not lose your cool while doing so. Calling them out is necessary but you can do it in a subtle manner if you want to
The true nature of compliments is to uplift self-esteem, encourage, and make the other person feel good through your sincerity, but backhanded compliments do the opposite. We have examined the subtleties of these double-edged verbal swords. They are seemingly well-intended yet covertly demeaning. By shedding light on their nature, we can strive for positive and more constructive interactions in our personal and professional lives, fostering healthy relationships.

Understanding backhanded compliments is not just an exercise in dissecting language; it’s a journey into the intricacies of human psychology and communication. Through wisdom and empathy, let’s foster a culture of genuine appreciation, where words become instruments of support rather than weapons of criticism.

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November 8, 2023