Before you walk down the aisle, it’s crucial to listen to that inner voice and look at your relationship with clear eyes. Love can cloud judgment, but recognizing red flags now can save you from heartache later. Many people in love tend to overlook warning signs, hoping things will magically improve after the wedding. In reality, marriage often amplifies existing dynamics, for better or worse. If certain behaviors or feelings are already causing you pain or doubt, they likely won’t vanish with a ring. In this article, we sum up the most problematic behaviors and patterns in 7 signs you should not marry him.
Recognizing these warning signs early on is far kinder to yourself and to him because it accords you the option to address them now or change your mind about a lifelong partnership with someone who is right for you rather than having to suffer through a troubled marriage or an eventual divorce. Let’s get into these red flags before marriage and understand what to do next.
7 Signs You Should Not Marry Him
When it comes to deciding on a lifelong partner, both emotional red flags and behavioral red flags are equally important. Sometimes the signs are in how you feel around your partner. If your partner stirs up constant anxiety, doubt, or resentment, these are reasons to not marry him. At other times, the red flags may manifest through his actions such as lying, disrespect, or controlling behavior. Pay attention to both.
These problematic behaviors and feelings inevitably boil down to the following 7 signs you should not marry him. If you recognize any of these in your relationship, take them seriously. They don’t necessarily mean that your partner is a bad person, they are just indicators that marrying him could be a mistake.
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1. You feel resentment and contempt instead of respect
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and kindness. If you find that you resent your partner or feel a sense of contempt toward him, that’s a glaring warning sign. Contempt is toxic to a marriage. In fact, renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies contempt as the single biggest predictor that a couple will split. Think about your interactions: do you roll your eyes, sneer, or think “ugh, here we go again” when he speaks? Gottman explains that contempt conveys a feeling of “I’m better than you, I don’t respect you,” and it makes the target feel despised and worthless. Over time, this erodes any love or friendship in the relationship.
On the flip side, maybe he is the one treating you with contempt or constant criticism. Perhaps he belittles your opinions, makes sarcastic jokes at your expense, or calls you names when you argue. These behaviors are not normal or a sign of a “rough patch”. They are indicators of deep disrespect. One bride-to-be shared that she decided to call off her marriage after realizing her fiancé’s condescending attitude was something she could no longer tolerate.
Every sarcastic dig left her feeling small and angry. If you’re already struggling to remember why you admired him in the first place, it’s a sign you should step back. As Dr. Gottman puts it, “When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities.” A marriage cannot thrive (or even survive) in a climate of disdain.
2. Communication always breaks down between you
Do your talks about important issues turn into shouting matches or silent treatment? Do you feel unheard or unable to express yourself with him? Poor communication now is a strong sign of trouble ahead. Marriage means facing life’s stresses together, and that requires being able to talk openly and respectfully. If instead you two argue in circles, avoid discussing problems, or can’t resolve even small disagreements, these are glaring red flags before marriage.
Think about how he reacts during serious conversations. Does he listen to your feelings or simply tune you out? Relationship coach Stephan Labossiere notes a few classic signs of a poor communicator:
- He doesn’t truly listen when you’re expressing yourself
- He interrupts you when you bring up something important,
- He gets defensive and dismissive when you voice a concern
For example, let’s say you try to discuss feeling upset about something he did, and his response is to cut you off with “I don’t want to hear this,” or to sigh and say, “You’re overreacting, let it go.” That’s a warning sign. Good partners make an effort to understand each other; bad communication now bodes poorly for the future.
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3. There’s no trust—he lies, cheats, or keeps secrets
Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. If you constantly question his honesty or fidelity, this is one of the most potent 7 signs you should not marry him. At least not until trust is rebuilt, if ever. Perhaps he’s given you reasons to doubt: you caught him in significant lies, or he was unfaithful in the past. Maybe he’s very secretive about his phone and whereabouts, leaving you with a gnawing gut feeling that something’s off. A lack of trust will eat away at both of you. It creates anxiety, jealousy, and insecurity that only grow worse over time. Labossiere says, “Without trust, it’s nearly impossible for any relationship to last.”
There are many real-life examples of it. This Reddit user, for instance, shared that she ignored her ex-boyfriend’s long history of cheating, hoping he’d change once they were married. He didn’t, and the marriage collapsed. Another person, on the same thread, said they overlooked constant little lies, only to realize later that those “small” lies masked bigger betrayals.
If your partner has already broken your trust, don’t bank on marriage fixing that. Trust isn’t magically granted by a wedding vow; it’s earned through consistent honesty and transparency. Likewise, if you find yourself snooping through his messages or feeling the need to “catch” him in something, step back and ask why. A marriage cannot be healthy if one partner is playing detective or living in fear of betrayal.
Likewise, if he is the one who doesn’t trust you and often accuses you of things you haven’t done or is irrationally jealous, that’s also a giant red flag that hints at controlling behavior. Never marry a guy who has these habits.
4. He is controlling or abusive
A partner with temper issues or a controlling streak will likely get worse, not better, after marriage. It’s your cue to step away if,
- Your boyfriend tries to control where you go, what you wear, or who you can talk to
- He explodes in anger over small things
- He calls you names in the heat of the moment
- He makes you feel afraid to disagree with him
Don’t excuse these frightening or manipulative behaviors. These are huge red flags that you should not marry this man. Controlling and abusive behaviors tend to escalate over time. In healthy love, partners encourage each other’s freedom and individuality. In a controlling relationship, one person tries to dominate and diminish the other and that is not love.
Controlling behavior isn’t always shouting or visible violence; sometimes it starts subtly. For example, he might isolate you by discouraging you from seeing your friends or family, maybe by constantly bad-mouthing them or pouting when you spend time apart. Over time, you find you’ve given up your support network just to keep the peace.
He might also monitor your activities, wanting to know who you texted, getting angry if you don’t respond immediately, or even snooping through your personal messages. These actions are attempts to increase your dependence on him. It’s not “because he cares so much.” It’s control, plain and simple, and one of the strongest reasons to not marry him.
5. Your core values or future goals are polar opposites
Opposites might attract in the short term, but if you and your partner have major incompatibilities in life goals or values, think twice about marriage. Marriage is more than romance. It’s a practical partnership for the life you’re building together. Do you agree on the big stuff like whether or not to have children, how to handle money, where to live, or what faith/traditions to follow? If you have fundamental differences in your vision of the future and neither of you is willing to compromise, these are signs you are not compatible with your partner and he might not be the right husband for you.
For instance, if you dream of traveling the world or living abroad but he insists on staying in his hometown near his parents indefinitely, that could breed resentment. Or if he envisions a house full of kids and you absolutely don’t want children (or vice versa), one of you will be sacrificing a core life desire for the other, a recipe for future regret. Another common clash is about money. Perhaps you’re a saver with plans to buy a home and invest, but he’s a spender who racks up debt or doesn’t believe in budgeting. Financial habits are a leading cause of conflict in marriage
Mismatched values can also include differences in culture, ethics, lifestyle, religious beliefs, or how you expect to handle extended family. These differences, if irreconcilable, will only intensify and drive a wedge between you and your partners. So, don’t assume marriage will make him change his stance on a core issue, and remember, love alone is not enough to guarantee a happy marriage.
6. He doesn’t support your happiness and individuality
In a healthy relationship, your partner would uplift you, celebrate you, and support your personal growth. If you’ve been second-guessing, “Should I marry him?”, ask yourself, does he truly support who you are and who you aspire to be? Or do you feel like you have to shrink, hide, or sacrifice your happiness to keep him comfortable? If it’s the latter, that’s a sign you should not marry him.
Your spouse is ideally your biggest cheerleader, someone who delights in your successes and stands by you in your struggles. If instead he’s dismissive of your goals, jealous of your achievements, or tries to make you feel guilty for pursuing your own interests, it reveals selfishness that will only cause you misery.
Consider a few scenarios. Perhaps you got a big promotion or decided to go back to school, and rather than being excited for you, he makes snide comments like, “Why do you need that? Don’t you have enough already?” Or maybe you have hobbies and friends outside the relationship, and he resents anything that doesn’t revolve around him. These are not the actions of a loving, secure partner. They are signs he may be trying to undermine your independence.
Also reflect on whether he embraces all of you, including your quirks, your family, your passions, or whether he tries to mold you into someone else. If he frequently says things like, “You’d be prettier if you lost weight” or “I wish you were more like so-and-so,” that’s not a sign of a healthy relationship that can pave the way for marriage.
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7. You have persistent doubts and a gnawing gut feeling something’s wrong
Maybe on paper, everything looks fine. He’s nice, your family likes him, there are no obvious deal-breakers. Yet in your gut, you feel something is off. You find yourself asking, “Should I marry him?” Ask yourself where this doubt stems from? There has to be an underlying reason for it, even if it is one you can’t articulate. Don’t dismiss it.
Recurring doubt is a sign in itself. So many people who went through with a wedding despite inner warnings later say, “I knew deep down it wasn’t right, but I ignored it.” In fact, research backs this up: in a study of 464 couples, researchers found that 47% of husbands and 38% of wives had premarital doubts, and those who had doubts were far more likely to divorce within four years. Lead researcher Justin Lavner, Ph.D., notes, “People think everybody has premarital doubts and you don’t have to worry about them. We found they are common but not benign.”
Marrying out of fear or pressure, whether pressure from your partner, family, or even the ticking of your biological clock, is not a healthy reason to marry. While feeling nervous is normal before a wedding, feeling deep doubt or doom is not. Don’t confuse cold feet with an inner alarm. Cold feet might be general nerves about a big life change.
An inner alarm is a persistent thought of “something isn’t right here” or visualizing an unhappy future. Trust yourself. It’s far better to pause, postpone, or even cancel a wedding than to go through with it and endure a bad marriage or a messy divorce later. Your future self will thank you for honoring your true feelings now.
What To Do When You Notice The Signs You Should Not Marry Him
Recognizing these signs can be scary and overwhelming, especially if you’ve invested a lot in the relationship. You might be asking, “Okay, I see some of these red flags before marriage, what now?” The good news is you have options and agency. The first step is to acknowledge what you’re seeing without sugarcoating it.
Denial is easy in love, but bravery and honesty will serve you better in the long run. It’s important to know that ending an engagement or demanding change is not a failure. It’s an act of self-respect and care. Here are some practical steps and supportive tips for moving forward:
1. Acknowledge the red flags and trust yourself
Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. If something feels wrong, honor that feeling instead of dismissing it. Often we try to talk ourselves out of our instincts and forget that these emotions and gut reactions exist for a reason. Journaling can help clarify what exactly is bothering you. Write down incidents that made you feel hurt, scared, or uneasy. Seeing it on paper can validate that you’re not “making it up”, there may be a pattern. It can be as straightforward as, “Every time I bring up our future, he makes a joke and changes the subject, and it makes me feel ignored and anxious.” Those feelings matter. Acknowledging the problems is the first step to dealing with them.
It can also help to confide in a trusted friend or family member about your doubts. Sometimes an outside perspective reinforces what you already know deep down. Don’t worry about being judged or “looking bad” if you back out of a wedding. The people who truly care about you will support you. In fact, you might be surprised to hear them say, “Honestly, we were worried about you and him, but didn’t want to interfere.”
When you’re struggling with the dilemma of, “Should I marry him despite it all?”, remember, it’s better to disappoint some people now than live with lifelong regrets. Being truthful with yourself is hard, but it’s an act of courage. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you deserve a loving, healthy partnership, and prepare to face the situation head-on.
2. Have an honest conversation with your partner
If you believe the issues in your relationship might be fixable with effort, consider talking openly with your partner about your concerns. Choose a calm moment, not in the heat of an argument, and gently explain what’s weighing on you and observe how he responds. His reaction will tell you a lot about the seriousness of the issue at hand. A mature, caring partner will listen, even if it’s uncomfortable, and engage in the conversation.
Perhaps he truly wasn’t aware of how you felt and is willing to work on it. On the other hand, if he immediately gets angry, defensive, or mocks your feelings, that reaction itself is a confirmation of the very issues you’re worried about. For example, if you say you’re concerned about how often fights turn nasty and suggest working on communication, a positive sign would be him saying, “I didn’t realize I was doing that. I don’t want to hurt you. We will find a better way to talk things through.”
A bad sign would be him firing back, “So you’re saying it’s all my fault? You’re the one who starts the fights!” or worse, laughing it off and refusing to discuss it. If he agrees to work on things, great. This means your relationship has a shot at survival. However, you should still hold off on the wedding until you actually see consistent improvement. If he stonewalls you or invalidates your concerns, then you have to recognize that you’ve hit a wall.
Note: Only attempt a deep conversation if you feel safe doing so. If your partner has a temper or abusive tendencies, skip it. You don’t owe an abuser a courtesy convo; your safety comes first.
3. Seek professional help or outside support
You don’t have to figure this out all by yourself. A licensed therapist or couples counselor can provide guidance in sorting through these problems. If your partner is open to it, premarital counseling can be a game-changer. In fact, research shows that good premarital counseling or education can reduce the risk of divorce by up to 30%. It can also bring to light issues that you absolutely need to address before marrying or confirming that marriage would be unwise.
Encourage your partner to give it a try by framing it positively: “I want us to be as strong as possible going into marriage. Why not get a little coaching on the tough stuff now?” If he values the relationship, he should be willing to put in the effort. And if he refuses outright to go to counseling or to work on things, take that as a major sign of his lack of commitment to change.
Aside from couples therapy, consider talking to a therapist on your own. An individual counselor can help you process your feelings, build up your self-confidence to make hard decisions, and plan your next steps. Sometimes we need someone to ask the right questions: “Why do you feel you don’t deserve better?” or “What’s the best outcome for you here?” Therapy provides a safe space to unravel any fear or guilt that might be keeping you in an unhealthy situation.
You can also reach out to support groups or communities. There are online forums like subreddits for relationship advice, or support groups for those leaving abusive partners, where people share experiences and coping strategies. Hearing from others who left a fiancé or fixed a relationship can be comforting and instructive.
4. Be ready to pause, postpone, or cancel the wedding
This is a tough one, but it must be said: if the red flags are serious and unresolved, consider postponing the wedding or canceling it outright if needed. I know this is scary and may feel extreme. You might worry about what people will think, about money lost, or about breaking his heart. But remember, it’s far better to deal with temporary discomfort or embarrassment now than to go through a divorce or years of unhappiness later. As painful as it is to call off a wedding, picking the wrong life partner is much more painful.
If you’re unsure about whether canceling the wedding is the right step, you can start with a pause. You might tell him, “I think we need to postpone the wedding while we work through some issues.” See how he responds and how you feel with a bit of breathing room. His reaction to a reasonable request for time speaks volumes. A loving partner might be saddened or surprised but will understand that it’s important to get things right. An unhealthy partner might explode in anger or try to guilt-trip you, which ironically just confirms you’re doing the right thing by not proceeding under pressure.
Related Reading: How To Love Yourself In A Relationship – 21 Practical Tips
5. Take care of yourself
Finally, focus on you. Deciding not to marry someone or to step back until issues are fixed can be emotionally exhausting. You might feel grief, confusion, or even guilt. That’s normal. You’re mourning the loss of an imagined future, and that hurts even if you know it’s for the best. Be very kind to yourself during this time. Practice self-care in whatever ways work for you, be it spending time with supportive friends, engaging in hobbies you love, exercising to blow off steam, or seeking solace in journaling or meditation. Remind yourself that choosing not to marry him or insisting on major changes before you do is an act of self-love. It’s you choosing not to settle for a life that doesn’t bring out the best in you.
It may help to visualize your future if you did go through with a marriage full of red flags that likely leads to stress, fighting, loneliness, and regret. Then visualize an alternate future: perhaps you leave this relationship and eventually meet someone truly compatible who cherishes you… or maybe you thrive on your own for a while, discovering new strengths and happiness without the constant conflict. Many people who left an unhealthy engagement later met a partner who treated them a thousand times better, and they often say, “I shudder to think what if I hadn’t had the courage to leave.”
Key Pointers
- If your relationship is marked by contempt, constant arguments, or the inability to have healthy discussions, it’s a major red flag for marriage
- Persistent lying, jealousy, secrecy, or any signs of control or abuse—verbal, emotional, or physical—signal an unhealthy and potentially dangerous dynamic
- If your life visions, values, or future plans (e.g., children, money, lifestyle) clash fundamentally, and neither of you is willing to compromise, marriage will likely amplify the disconnect
- If your partner stifles your individuality, or you feel a persistent gut feeling that something is off, even without clear reasons, it’s crucial to listen to those inner warnings before taking the leap
Final Thoughts
It takes courage to confront red flags and even more courage to walk away or demand change. But marriage is one of the biggest decisions of your life – it’s worth every ounce of courage you can muster. If he truly loves you and is right for you, he will step up and work with you to address these issues. If not, letting go now will open up the opportunity for a healthier love to enter your life when you’re ready. Either way, by acknowledging these seven signs and taking action, you are respecting yourself and your future. Remember, you’re not alone, and ultimately you know what’s best for you. Trust yourself, be strong, and never settle for a relationship that doesn’t bring you the peace, respect, and happiness you deserve.
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