Tag: dating

Dear Eric: My 35-year-old niece married a 45-year-old man with two teenage kids in a small ceremony. I have always been close with her. My sister and my niece have had a somewhat up-and-down relationship. They are each strong-willed.

But over the past 18 months since my niece met her now-husband, she has pretty much turned her back on her family who have always been there for her. While my relationship with my niece has always been great, lately it has just been OK. There is an underlying tension within the family that she is creating.

She is not an easy person to discuss things with. For a wedding gift I gave them a check for $3,500. I still have yet to receive a written thank-you note. To my knowledge, none of the other 50 or so wedding guests have received thank-you notes, either.

I know they are busy, but between the two of them, they should be able to take a couple of hours to send out this small number of thank you cards if they truly appreciate their friends and family.

I am not a person who gets his feelings hurt easily. If I do not receive a note from them before Christmas, would I be wrong to not give them any Christmas gifts this year? I hate to make the situation worse, but I also don’t want to be made to feel like a fool going forward.

— A Hurt Uncle

Dear Uncle: Here’s my quarterly exhortation to the universe: thank-you notes are not a lost art. Send a note, a text, a card — something. Even if it’s later than you wanted it to be. Communication! It matters to people.

Now, that said, I think you have two courses of action with regard to your niece. First, try to find a way to talk about the state of your relationship. “I love you and I care about you. I feel we’ve grown distant in the following ways. [Give one or two examples.] I’d like to be closer again, if that’s something you want. [Make one or two suggestions.]”

Your objective is clearer communication with your niece, something that, when achieved, can make questions about the family distance or the thank-you notes easier to answer.

The second course of action: send a Christmas card in lieu of a gift. Sometimes we use gifts to express our love and appreciation. And they can be great at doing so. But in a situation where a few wires seem to be getting crossed, it’s best to save yourself more frustration and find a simpler, more cost-effective way of sending your love.

Dear Eric: I’m a big fan of your column and really enjoy hearing your responses to readers. (Here it comes, though.) I do feel that you missed something with “Grandma On Hold”, who was frustrated that her son and daughter-in-law let their children interrupt adult conversations. When children visit someone’s house, it’s a really good time to instill that they need to be polite and respect the rules of others. When you’re at home it’s totally different and you can expect to be much more relaxed, but when going to Grandma’s, or a restaurant, or the grocery store, it’s a great time to reel it in and practice our social skills.

Our mother would give us a brief talk on the way to our destination about manners and my brother and I found it to be valuable, because we learned social skills that made people like us and want to invite us back.

I think you underscored Grandma’s feeling of being undervalued by telling her to sit back and allow the kids to interrupt. Thank you for your time.

— Manners Matter

Dear Eric: I’m in my 60s and have a crippling disease that kept me housebound for nearly five years. My daughter moved back home around that time after her sister took her life and left behind a young son, whom we have been raising together.

A new medication for this disease was recently approved. I’ve been taking it for two years, and it has led to incredibly impressive improvements. I have a new lease on life!

The manufacturers of this medication invited me to be a patient ambassador for them this year. I receive a good stipend for traveling once every other month or so to talk with physicians, pharmacists and other patients struggling with this condition. The trips are very short (one to two days), and my physical needs and limitations are respected and accommodated.

My daughter is angry about this and wants me to stop. She gives a number of reasons: That I’m shilling for Big Pharma, the time it takes for me to recover from trips, all the “what ifs,” (nonexistent) financial burdens, leaving her behind to cope with a recalcitrant teenager, et cetera. She refuses to participate or support my efforts in any way.

I suspect there’s something else going on. Could she be worried about the time I will leave her behind permanently?

What’s the best way to discuss this with someone who refuses to talk about the fact that I will not always be around, no matter how safe I try to be? I intend to grab this chance to provide a patient perspective and support others struggling with this disease. It matters to me. Yet I also want my family to accept and support me just as I support them.

— Patient Patient

Dear Patient: I’m sure you’re right: there are probably a lot of other emotions and triggers influencing your daughter’s position. This is understandable, but the first thing to remember is you don’t need her permission to live your life. Every family system is interconnected, and yours is no different. Collaborating to raise a child, who is surely still grieving the loss of his mother (as you are also still grieving) makes that interconnectedness even more complicated. Communication is key here, as is compromise, but I don’t see your daughter’s demands in that spirit.

For the moment, table debate about your trips. You needn’t stop them, especially if they are helping you feel you’re living your purpose. But you, your daughter, and your grandson should participate jointly and individually in family therapy. Focus initially on the grief and the new dynamics of your family. Sometimes, when a loved one dies and life has to be dramatically rearranged, we make the first or most immediately available choice. After some of the initial shock has subsided, it’s good to revisit those early choices to make sure they still work for us. I’m not suggesting that your co-raising arrangement needs upending, instead therapy can be an opportunity to process what your shared goals are, how you’re working toward those goals, and any places where those goals don’t align.

Your daughter may never be fully comfortable with your trips. Much of that is her work to do. But by continuing to have conversations that acknowledge how much has changed, you give each other the opportunity to keep changing and growing, too.

Dear Eric: I wanted to respond to your advice to “Lonely At Night”, whose marriage was in trouble and whose husband refused to be physical. The letter writer wanted to get a dog for company, to which the husband was also opposed. You stated if the wife wants to get a dog and the husband does not, she should get a dog anyway. This is a dangerous recommendation for the dog.

I have worked in dog rescue and adopt my own rescue dogs.

I have seen way too many times that when one person wants a dog and the other does not, that poor dog suffers from neglect and quite often physical abuse from the party who never wanted the pet. Then they end up kicked out of the home, given to dangerous shelters or just suffering from the stress of moving to a new home.

Dear Eric: I am the mother of a wild child. The other day, she ran into our house and asked for a Band-Aid because her friend scraped his knee. The boy had what I would describe as “the most gnarly gash” I’ve seen since I left the military.

The cut missed major blood vessels, but at least partially severed a tendon. We sent a messenger to his mom, treated him for shock and covered the wound, but didn’t really do anything medical. When mom showed up, I did the magic trick of distracting the boy while showing mom how bad it was. I offered to watch her other kids until she could get a family member or sitter they knew. Turns out they had grandma over, so I wasn’t needed.

The next day, we found a thank you note and a $100 gift card in our mailbox. I don’t think I did anything worthy of that. I think I did the bare minimum required of a human being and did not expect anything from it.

My question is, when my own daredevil scrapes her knee this way, is there a reference guide on how to express gratitude to the bystander or first responder? Does the dollar amount of the gift card change depending on the severity of the injury?

— Mom of a Wild Child

Dear Mom: Try as I might, I haven’t found a price list for “treatment of grievous bloody injuries” outside of an insurance company’s website. You mention your service in the military, and I wonder if you’re downplaying the comprehensiveness of the care you gave to your daughter’s friend. The gift card may be a reflection both of the mom’s appreciation and also an expression of how impressed she was by your levelheadedness and competence. Neither is a guarantee. Her gift is a kind gesture and not required.

After a quite scary emergency department visit for a food allergy reaction, I sent an Edible Arrangement to convey my thanks, but that reflected my emotions (“thanks for snatching me back from the jaws of death; food is weird, right?”), rather than a repayment of a debt. It really is the thought that counts, so a card with a genuine note can be just as meaningful should your daughter need the aid of a bystander or EMT.

Also, if you feel uncomfortable about the amount of the gift card, consider using it to treat your daughter, her friend, and maybe the friend’s mom to a fun lunch or day at an activity center (maybe one of those pad-covered ones where they’re less likely to get hurt).

Dear Eric: My 15-year-old grandson moved in with me about seven months ago. We are fine together but his mom refuses to allow him to go to a “brick and mortar” school. He has Marfan Syndrome and must be careful of his heart. But he was removed from public school and really wants to be a more normal kid.

My daughter apparently gets her medical for her whole family covered under my grandson. She wrote to him saying if he goes to a school here where I live then he’d have to use my address and he’d be responsible for her dying, her dad going mental and his older sister hemorrhaging all because they’d lose their medical if he lived with me.

My daughter says my grandson and I are both selfish to want his “social life” over his family’s health.

Might I add that there are four adults in the house and when my grandson was there, he slept in a closet! Is there any option besides turning her in to CPS?

Dear Eric: I’m a 64-year-old male and I have a 59-year-old girlfriend of a couple years. My perception is that my girlfriend is constantly seeking attention from other men. For instance, we were out on an ATV ride with another couple and a third man. Our ride brought us through many miles of back country. We stopped at a bar/restaurant to use the facilities.

My girlfriend goes into the bar, and she’s in there for a while. I stayed outside and talked with the other guys we were with. She finally comes out and admits that she was talking to a couple of guys and had a shot of whiskey “to check market prices.” Seriously? I’m supposed to believe that she couldn’t have just asked the price?

Later in the day, we stopped, just the two of us, at another bar/restaurant and had something to eat. After I settled the check, I decided to use the restroom. I leave the restroom, and she is nowhere to be seen, so I go outside and interrupt a conversation between her and some random guy on the deck by himself drinking. There was an immediate awkward pause on the guy’s part, and she blurts out “That’s his bike.” My tastes run to Harleys. which I have a couple of, and his bike was just another cheaper imitation race bike.

Then on the way home she tells me how her niece has been trying to set up a girls’ night, including her at a local bar, kind of letting me know, presumably so she can say “I told you…” Clearly, I have a problem with this but I’m trying to keep an open mind. You know what they say: intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom. So, I know what I think I should do but I’m looking for an outsider’s perspective.

— Being Taken for a Ride

Dear Ride: Look, there may be something else going on here that I’m not seeing, but I think the message you need to take away from this gut check is not that your girlfriend is necessarily doing something inappropriate but that you’re not feeling secure about the relationship. This isn’t a personal failing; you’re allowed to feel the way you feel. But the response may be a different one than you’re thinking of.

While you can end things, as you seem to be suggesting, consider first talking to her at a neutral time about the state of your relationship and what you think it might be lacking. Try to use “I” statements, like “I would like to be closer” or “I don’t feel like we’ve been in sync recently.” Then try to lay out what happened and how you felt about it without accusations. “You were talking to guys and ‘checking the market price’ of the whiskey, and that was confusing to me.” Ask her if she can see where you’re coming from and why it might make you feel less uncertain. But also listen to her response and see if you can see where she’s coming from.

You don’t have to be OK with how things are going, but from the instances you’ve described, it may be less that she’s interested in other men and more that she’s interested in other drinks.

Dear Eric: I just had my 93rd birthday, so have been on Medicare for some years. But I recently ran across something different. My newest doctor — a podiatrist — told me first that she would give me only token care since she got only a token payment. Then a second time she said I could pay her the difference and get full treatment. Is this right morally and legally?

Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with a girl for at least 10 years. Recently she had a birthday and our circle of friends planned on going to a local bar to celebrate. I decided not to attend because I wasn’t able to afford a $10 cover charge. I told her that and she seemed to be OK with it.

But then I noticed that I wasn’t hearing from her like I usually did. I asked another friend, and they said they were under the impression that she was upset and disappointed with me because I didn’t go out for her birthday, so I sent her a text apologizing and saying that I really couldn’t afford it and that I live from paycheck to paycheck and I thought she’d understand.

She responded by saying she understood because she lives from paycheck to paycheck and also that she considered me a close friend and that she was upset and disappointed I didn’t then come out for her birthday and she went on to say that if it hadn’t been on her actual birthday she wouldn’t have minded as much, which never made any sense to me.

She also said she needed time and that she should eventually get over it. Well, it’s been three months, and I haven’t heard anything. I feel like texting her again to say if she doesn’t consider us friends anymore then I would like to know because I have some stuff, she asked me to keep at my house, and I would give it back.

I told two of my other friends and they feel she’s being childish about the whole thing. What are your thoughts?

— Weary Friend

Dear Friend: She’s being more than childish; her response is unfair and uncaring. She’s allowed to make whatever plans she wants for her birthday — and everyone deserves to feel special — but she’s also an adult and adults understand that sometimes we can’t afford to do things we want to do. Adults also understand that special occasions can happen anytime. After the age of, say 16, missing a birthday party is not a reason to sever a friendship.

If she’s not serious about wanting to rebuild this friendship, then returning the items you’re holding for her and wishing her well is the best option.

Dear Eric: My younger brother (54 yrs) is a chronic alcoholic. He’s now developed Cirrhosis and he has little time left.

I’m his older sister, who realized more than 30 years ago that binge drinking and alcoholism seemed to affect us siblings, so I stopped, completely.

I never got on his case about his drinking, but we drifted apart due to his excessive drinking and the erratic behavior it brought out.

Sadly, this diagnosis is what has brought us back together. I call him weekly, talk about funny stories from the past and try to keep his spirits up.

We lost a sister years ago, when she was 7 years old, to a childhood illness. My parents were devastated as it was sudden and unexpected. My mother is gone, but my father, still going strong in his 90s, is still with us.

My father lives too far away to visit my brother and they only rarely talk on the phone. There are four adult children in our family.

There is a disagreement as to whether we should tell my father. I believe that a parent has the right to know. They have been through more than their adult children give them credit for and should be able to say goodbye. Others are saying we shouldn’t say anything because “it could kill dad.”

There is no question my brother will pass before my father. Do you think a parent should be told that their child is sick and passing?

— Sad Sister