Tag: dating

Dear Eric: I’ve been good friends with a woman for about five years now; we live abroad. However, I am not and never have been a huge fan of her new husband.

He talks over people or one-ups any statement and simply doesn’t listen. He can’t do turn-taking in conversation. I’ve asked a mutual friend if he is like this in his second language, and she confirmed he is.

He and my husband had a disagreement on a very sensitive topic for my husband, largely caused by this refusal to listen. Now my husband won’t tolerate small groups with him. We don’t have a large friend circle, so small groups are all we have!

Now I rarely see my friend and I always have to come up with an excuse why we can’t accept invitations because I don’t love hanging out with both of them, and my husband hates being relegated to the “boys’ corner” and having to talk to him during any group outing. I’m at a loss.

I really like her; it is hard to find down-to-earth people who are genuine like my friend, but her husband is always around and just so difficult to have fun with. How can I salvage the friendship but ditch her husband?

— Trying to Keep Old Friends

Dear Trying: Alas, you cannot divorce someone else’s husband. So, you may have to recalibrate your expectations regarding your friendship in order to salvage it.

Let’s take the husband’s corner first: it’s not your responsibility to manage your husband’s good time. So, if he’s refusing to go to group outings, let him stay home. These can still be opportunities for you to get in some quality time with your friend at a time when her husband is otherwise engaged.

Also, consider setting up one-on-one friend dates with her. You may not get to see her as often as you want, which can happen in friendships even when the friend’s spouse is a delight. But by being intentional and keeping the focus on creating opportunities for yeses, rather than focusing on what’s not working in this friendship, you may find a happy medium, with fewer interruptions.

Dear Eric: I was in a relationship for 21 years until my ex had a baby on me and I left him. During my relationship with my ex, I would see this guy from time to time, when me and my ex would break up. So, then he and I started dating and eventually we became a couple.

A couple months into the relationship things changed and I noticed that I was a handful to deal with. I didn’t realize how hurt I was about my past until I got into a new relationship and I can admit I saw myself hurting him. He left me and I don’t blame him.

I really worked on myself, my ways and everything that I knew was a problem. After two years we got back together, he noticed the change in me and we got along great.

One day he got sick and had to get admitted into the hospital. I worked the night shift so I would stay at the hospital all day and leave for work at night.

On the third day of this, I called him to tell him I’m on my way and he told me his ex was there. He said, “Look, you’re not here for me like I need you to be.” He said I should have quit my job when he needed me and stayed with him. Since I didn’t, he got back with his ex.

Now am I wrong for first of all wanting to strangle him for coming back into my life just to leave me again the same way, and in your opinion how do I move on from this hurt? I don’t want to hurt my next partner if I decide to get into a relationship, but I also don’t want to keep getting hurt either.

Dear Eric: I’m in my early 30s and seeing a really great guy. He checks a lot of boxes for me and I’m happy with him. My boyfriend and I said “I love you” to each other a few weeks ago. He said it first, and I said it back. We’ve been dating for about six weeks, so this feels normal. This isn’t my first relationship, but it’s moving more slowly than my other relationships have in the past. I’m OK with that for the most part.

But he won’t ask me to be his girlfriend. We’ve talked about it and he’ll say things like, “that’s definitely where we’re heading.” But that’s it. I’m getting frustrated about it. What can I do?

— Not the Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend: You can ask him to be your boyfriend. Or, if you don’t want to be that direct, you can tell him that you are interested in taking the relationship to the next level and you want to know what he’s interested in.

If he feels you’re heading toward a committed relationship, it’s fair to ask questions like, how long is this road to a relationship? Are there any obstacles that you see? How fast are we traveling? Is it possible to step on the gas pedal?

Your relationship belongs to both of you, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need. And don’t be afraid to tell him when something isn’t working for you. Love is communication. It’s not just saying “I love you,” it’s also saying “let’s talk about this” and “can you help me understand” and “wow, this one thing is not working for me but this thing between us definitely does work for me and so I’m excited to figure out how to work it all out together with you.”

Dear Eric: I have a loving and attentive husband, two adult children who stay in touch, lots of relatives (many of whom live near me and with whom I have monthly contact.) I am in my late 70s and know well enough that travel, hobbies, classes, causes, work and helping others are ways to get connected. I do these things, but they do not satisfy me.

Most of my closer friends have died or moved away, and I don’t see that attrition changing. I long to have a few close friends that I can call or visit to share daily chitchat and deeper communication. Instead, I have to do all the reaching out, and do not feel that my efforts are returned.

I am aware of “all the lonely people” around me. But I am most aware of my own loneliness. It is profound and raw and unabated.

What is wrong with me? What can I do about this? I think I am caring and considerate, and show interest in others. Why do I not have any close friends at this stage of my life, after being committed to my family and community for so many decades?

— In Search of Connection

Dear Connection: Sometimes when I get into a tough place emotionally, I ask myself “what is real and what do I feel?” Often, the Venn diagram of the two is one solid circle. At other times, there’s some distance. The distance doesn’t make either less valid. Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that I feel and it’s important to honor that. However, feelings and facts often have different remedies.

In your letter, the facts are that you’ve experienced profound loss of some of your foundational connections. This is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It also doesn’t mean that you won’t grieve these friendships and all the things they brought into your life. It’s possible that your grief process is making it even harder to feel connected to the loving husband you mentioned, or your hobbies or your other family members.

Dear Eric: I have been taking dance classes from the same instructor for years. There are a number of us students who would like to see more technique, as opposed (or in addition) to more steps, taught as some dance styles rely heavily on technique (West Coast Swing is an example).

We really enjoy the classes and the instructor’s commitment to providing lessons to anyone, regardless of their ability/level. Since I’ve never taught dance classes before, I don’t know if things work better keeping everything “simpler”, so to speak, or if they might be misjudging the capabilities of their students?

It’s tricky to bring this up as we don’t want to criticize their teaching style, but we also want to feel that we, and the other students, are getting some of the important techniques that are sometimes lacking.

— Movin’ and Groovin’

Dear Movin’: The question “how can I learn more about this?” is such a wonderful invitation and could, in your case, open the door to a more advanced class or additional technique lessons. I imagine that your dance instructor has a passion for the form. Many teachers do. So, try to have a conversation rooted in your shared enthusiasm. This will likely sound less like a critique and more like what it is: a desire to know more and to participate more fully.

Dear Eric: I have a neighbor who seems really interested in being friends with me. She always speaks when I pass by, sends holiday cards, et cetera. We’ve talked about getting together for a meal or something but didn’t get much past the talk.

I don’t have anything against her. She seems nice enough. But when I moved in another neighbor told me to avoid her since she’s a liar.

I don’t go in much for drama and gossip, so I haven’t asked for any more information. But I trust this other neighbor. (We were actually friendly before I moved into the neighborhood.)

Mostly, I just want to be left alone.

Do you think I should try to avoid the liar neighbor or what?

— Good Fences

Dear Fences: I’m no judge but there seems to be a lot of hearsay happening here. The neighbor who gave you the warning was vague in a way that perhaps suggests discretion, but in reality, only muddies the waters. Either say something helpful (and objectively true) or say nothing at all. But a blanket warning hews too close to gossip for my taste.

If you want to be friends with this other neighbor, trust your judgment and proceed with caution, just as you would with anyone else.

However, if you’re fine with an occasional hello and a holiday card, it doesn’t need to go beyond that. Sometimes the best neighborly relationships are the ones where everyone stays in their respective yards. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Dear Eric: “Contact with No Contact” wrote about a brother-in-law who had suddenly gone no contact and wondered how to navigate an upcoming wedding where the in-law would be. The letter writer wrote, “ I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again.”

This struck a chord with me.

When my sister-in-law told me she never wanted to speak to me again, I was relieved. Having made a diligent effort to mend the broken fence “of the moment” and being unequivocally rejected, I no longer had to chase a friendship that would never materialize.

But we are still relatives and therefore see each other at family gatherings. Internally, I pretend that I am meeting them for the first time. Every. Single. Time. Whether they snub me or not, either way, it doesn’t matter. I go to these events, and I enjoy them for what they are, and live in those moments without imprinting the scars of this failed relationship over those events.

— Bitter But Better

Dear Eric: I’m 61, widowed, and still work full time as a registered nurse in a very busy hospice house.

I lost my husband four years ago, and since then went through a medical scare twice, diagnosed with cirrhosis, sleep apnea and chronic anxiety, have bought and sold two homes, purchased a new car and created significant credit card debt twice.

When I retire, I won’t be able to afford my house, so I will need to move (again). I understand and admit these poor financial decisions were possibly my way of dealing with grief, but now I am at a crossroads where I have an opportunity to retire next year and finally be able to decide how and where I spend my time.

You see, during my 36 years of marriage, we moved 13 times. I really don’t have roots.

My problem is that I don’t know where to land during my retirement years. How do I go about figuring this out? Because of my medical issues, sometimes I need help and probably should live near my family. But who? I can’t wrap my head around this. But I need to decide soon because I will need to move when I sell my current home next summer.

I think I’m afraid to make another financial mistake. I also fear that this decision will be somehow final. What are your thoughts?

— The Next Move

Dear Move: The first thing you’ll want to do is talk to a financial adviser, who can review your assets and debts and give you a concrete plan that will keep you financially solvent and help you get some peace of mind. Medical issues and money woes can create a fog of anxiety that obscures the path forward. It’s hard to make wise decisions or to feel confident you haven’t made a mistake.

If you don’t know where to look for a financial adviser, ask friends or relatives if they work with someone they trust, or reach out to the National Association of Professional Financial Advisors (napfa.org). Your local senior center or public library will also likely have financial counseling resources available.

Also, talk to your family members about the upcoming decision and the options you’re weighing. They’ll be able to give you insight about the places they live, and their capacity for showing up for you when needed. This will give you a sense of what your post-retirement life can look like and give you better information to help you make your decision. Talk to your doctors, as well. If there’s specialized care you need, they’ll be able to advise you on how to connect with it in other areas.

Lastly, talk to friends in retirement communities about their experiences. You may find that one of those is an attractive and affordable option.

You don’t have to make these decisions on your own; indeed, it’s wiser not to. Keep asking for more information until you feel more surefooted. I understand that perhaps you feel that you’re backed into a corner right now. But I want to assure you that you can find a next chapter that brings you happiness and gives you a sense of freedom.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter about giving gifts to adults from “Feeling Bah-humbug” who wrote: “My significant other and I are at the stage in life where we really do not need more ‘stuff’ and would rather not deal with gifts that are generic at best and usually are re-gifted promptly via donation or gift-economy communities.”

We had the same problem. Solved it! Instead of buying gifts, we determined a monetary amount we probably would spend on a gift. We picked $50. Could be any amount.

Every year one person was in charge of collecting the money from everyone. That person donated that amount to their favorite charity. Next year, the next person collected the money and donated it to their favorite charity. Worked great!

— Regifting