Tag: Couple dynamics

Let’s face it. Relationships can be extremely overwhelming and draining at times. Especially when you and your partner are unsure of the way forward, need to gain clarity regarding your life goals, or simply need a break from each other to figure things out. But how long should a relationship break be to make things work? More importantly, are you sure your relationship will work for the better if you decide to take a break? Or are you wondering how to take a step back in a relationship and still be in touch?

In this article, we will explore such questions about relationship breaks and more, with the help of counselor Ruchi Ruuh (Postgraduate Diploma in Counseling Psychology), who specializes in counseling for issues related to dating, infidelity, marital conflict, and divorce. We will also get a gist of the relationship break rules. So, let’s not wait any longer and dive straight in to find out if hitting the pause button on your relationship is a good idea and when…

What Does Taking A Break Mean In A Relationship

Studies by the Gottman Institute suggest taking a break to avoid or better manage and resolve conflicting situations in relationships may be a good idea indeed. In fact, such studies believe you can “love smarter” when you choose to take a breather to reassess the relationship, make the relationship work, or get back on track.

But what does taking a break mean in a relationship or imply for couples? Ruchi explains, “Taking a break means one or both people in the relationship deciding to step back from the romantic aspect of the relationship but maintaining some sort of limited communication. It can also mean spending time away from your partner but regrouping for just a designated amount of time periodically.” So, in a way, breaks offer temporary respite from relationship issues. 

Can a break help a relationship?

So, now we know that breaks are normal and not such a big deal in relationships. But can a break help a relationship to grow or change in a positive way, or does it harm it in the long run? Do such breaks lead to stronger bonds? What are some valid reasons to take a break in a relationship? Ruchi offers a good look at how such breaks are beneficial to relationships:

• A break allows both the individuals involved to seek and understand the relationship and assess the relationship dynamics and personal issues. It thus helps you find answers to questions such as, “Is your relationship healthy?”
• It allows for personal growth, and partners can look for nurturing themselves individually
• Taking a break can also help people in creating some sort of boundaries, be it physical or emotional, which might help them reevaluate the relationship, which wouldn’t have otherwise been possible
• Breaks allow people to spend time gaining clarity about their personal goals, values, and needs and find out if they align with those of their partners’
• Breaks also help people realize and address issues such as relationship instability that may cause the relationship to suffer in future
• Breaks can help a couple go through the sudden changes of an uncalled-for long-distance relationship due to a job change or relocation

Related Reading: 25 Most Common Relationship Problems And Their Solutions

How Long Should A Relationship Break Be — A Therapist Reveals The Answer

Now that you have the answer to what does taking a break mean in a relationship, are you wondering, “How long should a relationship break last?” A Reddit user, who has taken a break in a relationship, narrates her tale, “My husband and I took a break for 7 months. It was helpful in some ways and damaging in others… in the end we both missed our life together and decided to be back together and we are still together. I can say, I wish I would have never taken the break… there were things that we both did while apart that was damaging to our relationship now. But on the other hand… what if we didn’t take a break? Maybe we would have never started to appreciate each other again…”

Related Reading: 5 Reasons Why Taking a Break in A Relationship is Healthy

In her case, the break was moderately long and lasted for months. Thankfully, it made both her and her husband realize the importance of their relationship. But how long do such breaks last really? And how long should a relationship break be for it to be impactful? Is there ‘a one size fits all’ timeline? 

Ruchi says, “Breaks in relationships can last for a few days, weeks, or even months, and depends on quite a few factors. The main factor that determines the period of the break is the reason why a couple is seeking the break and their own needs and expectations from it.” She then goes on to differentiate between a few such cases:

1. A break to understand the complexity of the relationship – A few months

The answer to how long should a relationship break last can be tricky. A break that is intended to find out the root causes that are harming the relationship can last for several months. 

Ruchi says, “One of the reasons to take a break in a relationship is to ascertain the causes behind trust issues or difference of values, where a couple needs to sit down and explore the issue and address the concerns.” In such cases, both the partners may need ample time for self-reflection, therapy, or even speaking to confidantes, friends, and family. 

2. Breaks for personal growth – A few weeks

A lot of people take breaks for personal growth, or to focus on themselves. Such breaks may be shorter. They may last for a few weeks. Ruchi says, “In such cases, people can go for a short solo retreat to explore themselves better before getting back with their partners.” 

Related Reading: Expert Tips – How To Reconnect After A Relationship Break

3. A break to deal with work-related stress – A few weeks to months

At times, as Ruchi says, “One of the reasons to take a break in a relationship may be to deal with work-related issues.” Such breaks may last anytime from a few weeks to months. They may even be longer, depending on the complexity of the work/project. 

My cousin, Andrea, faced a similar issue. She felt she could not juggle too many balls at once, and decided she needed time to handle a particularly stressful time in her professional life before rejuvenating her relationship with her husband.

4. Breaks to establish boundaries – A few weeks

If a couple is struggling with boundaries, it may consist of one person having the need for constant communication, which gets overwhelming for the other person. Ruchi says, “So, if the other person can’t deal with the communication overload, they may need enough time to get back into their shell and process their feelings. This can be a short break, after which the other person gets back with enough self-reflection and new ideas to enforce boundaries in the relationship.”

5. Breaks to reconsider commitment – A few weeks to a couple of months

One of the reasons to take a break in a relationship could be the need to reassess the commitment. Couples with one partner in a perpetual commitment phobia can also take breaks. If you’re often left asking, “How long should a relationship break last?”, well, remember, in such cases, such breaks may last from a few weeks to a couple of months. 

So, both partners get enough time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether they wish to commit long-term. Ruchi says, “Such breaks should only end when both have decided whether they are confident to go ahead with the relationship or drift apart.”

Relationship Break Rules To Make It Work In Your Favor

Sharing her reasons for going on a relationship break, a Reddit user says, “My SO wasn’t ready to commit for long term without exploring his “bachelor” side. We were apart for 2 months, and he asked for me back after going on some dates and realizing I was the shit.

“Yes, I trust he didn’t do anything else, and even if he had, that was part of the understanding. There was never an obligation to resume the relationship, but we agreed it’s what we both wanted.”

Related Reading: How To Deal With Taking A Break In A Relationship – 7 Rules

So, you see, a break in a relationship without any intention can be meaningless. Ruchi says, “There’s no use of a break if you don’t know why you’re taking it and how it can help you.” So, one must be certain of the cause of such breaks.

Here are a few relationship break rules that Ruchi shares to make such breaks work, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. So, if you’re clueless about how to take a step back in a relationship and still make it work, read on:

• Define the purpose of the break: It’s crucial to discuss the goals, concerns, needs, and expectations associated with the break, so that both understand and are on the same page
• Set a timeline: It’s wise to not make the separation indefinite or ambiguous. Whether it should last for a week, a month, or 6 months, determine a timeline, as that will help you both gain clarity. Both partners would know when to regroup and talk about the future of the relationship
• Set boundaries: It’s very important that you communicate to each other how you want to keep in contact during the temporary separation or break. For instance, set ground rules about communication ideas, like a phone call every other day, a good morning text, or video calls. Likewise, communicate whether seeing other people is allowed
• Respect each other’s personal space and independence: While it’s important to maintain connection, you should also avoid excess communication or intrusiveness during the break. Let them pursue their personal goals and make sure that your boundaries are also respected
• Avoid misunderstandings: If you decide to go no-contact for a long time, make sure that you’ve had an open communication about it with your partner. Also make sure they don’t misunderstand a temporary break as a breakup and seek romantic solace somewhere else. Avoid misunderstandings in a healthy way

Related Reading: 15 Signs You Need a Break From Relationship

• Use the break for self-improvement: Work on personal growth and self-care. Try and achieve work goals, go on a holiday, seek therapy, spend time with friends, or pursue a hobby. But make sure you don’t waste the time the break offers
• Seek emotional support: Often one partner is enthusiastic about a break, while the other isn’t. If you’re feeling left out, because this isn’t something you wanted, seek support from family, friends, or a therapist. Seek their perspective, guidance, and emotional support
• Regroup: If needed, check on each other and regroup from time to time, even within the break, to see if things are going on track. Stay connected in some sort of way
• Understand that the relationship might change after the break: Whether it’s a brief break or a long one, be aware that when the break ends, your values, thoughts, and priorities might change. Both partners should be ready for these changes to happen. The break may make you a better person or may make you take realistic decisions not based on emotions. Be ready to accept the change to avoid shock and take care of your mental health. You can opt for couples therapy if you want.

Relationship breaks can work like magic in some cases. But if not handled properly, they may lead to permanent cracks even in a healthy relationship, eventually leading to the relationship ending on a sour note. The success of a break depends on a lot of soul-searching and introspection. 

Blaming the other person for all the relationship issues isn’t going to work. Instead, pausing the relationship to realize the real issues plaguing the relationship can be beneficial. After all, what’s the point of a break if it doesn’t reveal a few things about you and the relationship. We hope, through this article, we have been able to answer your burning questions such as “How long should a relationship break be?” or “Do relationship breaks really help?” Remember, it’s eventually you and your partner who are to decide the terms and length of the break and how to take a step back in a relationship and still get back together.

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Picture this: you’ve just found out that your husband cheated on you with his coworker while you were pregnant last year. And you’re down in the dumps, trying to salvage what remains of your relationship. You’re hurt and devastated. One moment you feel like forgiving your husband and making peace with the situation, while the next, you feel like cutting ties with him and teaching him a lesson for having an affair behind your back. It’s totally normal to feel clueless about what to do and how to find peace after being cheated on! 

And you’ve come to the right place if you’re going through such turmoil. In this article, we will look at the effects of being cheated on and will find out how you can deal with this situation. Relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (Master’s degree in Psychology, with specialization in Clinical Psychology), who is an expert in relationship, breakup, and LGBTQ counseling, will help us explore ways to make peace with being cheated on. So, should you forgive a cheater? Well, let’s delve deeper to understand…

Related Reading: We Were Engaged To Be Married But My Fiancée Cheated On Me

The Effects Of Being Cheated On

So, what does being cheated on feel like? And how hard can it get for people who still love their cheating spouse or partner? Does it make a man feel emasculated? How does a woman feel after being cheated on? Here’s what a Reddit user has to say about his experience: “I’ve been cast as the husband that his wife cheated on him and left for another man. I didn’t want to play this part, but here I am, cast as the lead. Everything is washed out and grey, if I could sleep all day I would. I dread getting up, it always starts with the reality of the situation, the intrusive thoughts and images. Infidelity takes a great toll on the betrayed, I marvel at those that can rebuild and move on.”

Before we explore how to find peace after being cheated on, let’s find out how cheating affects those at the receiving end. Our expert Dhriti has enumerated a few effects of being cheated on, based on her interactions with her clients. Here they go:

1. It lowers self-esteem

Being cheated on lowers the self-esteem of a person to a great extent. Dhriti says, “You may find yourself questioning what you lacked or did wrong in the relationship, eventually leading to questioning your self-worth.” So, in such cases, you may start doubting:

• Your commitment to the relationship
• Your looks 
• Your intelligence
• Your sexual prowess
• Your financial status

This is how infidelity affects a woman as well as a man.

2. It alters your ability to trust

So, how does a woman feel after being cheated on? What does a man go through when he is cheated on? Dhriti says, “Being cheated on makes you question not just your partner but your own judgment too (and even of other people around you). You begin wondering, “If the one person I trusted so much could do this to me, how can I trust others to not do the same thing?” It also breaks you completely to know that your trust was taken advantage of. And you may deal with the fear of being cheated on again.” 

So, you may end up becoming a bitter person, with no ability to trust someone. Besides, mental health issues such as anxiety and cheating go hand in hand. So, you may go through extreme triggers after being cheated on whenever you face a situation where you need to trust someone. 

Related Reading: 22 Sure Signs Of A Cheating Girlfriend

3. You may develop anger and bitterness

Dhriti believes, “When someone cheats on you, there is a sense of unfairness over something so painful happening to you. And that naturally leads to resentment toward the person causing that pain (and also toward yourself, for giving them the power to cause you pain). Eventually, it turns to bitterness and is manifested as a mix of anger and deep sadness, the two most common effects of being cheated on. 

And we agree that this is how infidelity affects a woman or a man. A Reddit user had a similar experience: “I want to get past the bitterness/anger that sits in me from finding out some of his infidelities. But I think it is the unknown of how many infidelities he has and whatnot that fuels the anger/bitterness that sits inside me like burning embers waiting to take flame again. I hate being angry. It is so tiring.”

4. You’re thrown into uncertainty

One of the worst effects of the pain of infidelity is that the partner who’s been cheated on is pushed into uncertainty. Dhriti explains, “You lose the security and safety that you once felt with your partner. You go from knowing what tomorrow will look like and planning for it, to suddenly having no idea, not knowing what to do or expect.”  This can deal a massive blow to your future plans. So, you may have been:

• Saving up to celebrate a relationship milestone, and now have to drop the idea
• Gearing up to buy a new house together and now have to take a step back
• Preparing to leave your job to take care of the kids, and now may have to rethink your plan

Related Reading: Top 11 Hollywood Movies About Cheating In A Relationship

5. You feel immense mental pain

Studies have shown time and again how breakups are hard and almost always lead to negative thoughts and a feeling of going through real physical pain. And in case you’ve separated from your spouse after being cheated on, the feeling is exactly the same.

Dhriti says, “We’re hardwired for attachment, and losing this attachment is often extremely painful because our brain reacts to this pain in a similar way to how it reacts to physical pain. It’s a loss of connection, attachment, validation, and security. These triggers after being cheated on cause a lot of psychological pain.” 

9 Therapist-Recommended Tips On How To Find Peace After Being Cheated On

So, now that you know how being cheated on feels like and what repercussions it can have, are you wondering how to find peace after being cheated on? And should you forgive a cheater? And what happens after the initial shock wears off? 

Here’s how a Reddit user explains she got over being cheated on: “…there were heartbreaks in my past from cheating, leaving me for others, and even violence, that I never thought in a million years I would ever get over. But I did. And it faded over time. What helps me is researching WHY people cheat, and realizing the issue is within THEM. It’s not about the other person being better or more suited, or about you not being enough. Heck, a lot of times the person who is cheated on is better objectively in so many ways compared to the one their partner cheats with. I know it’s not great to compare, but sometimes it does help to see that.” 

Related Reading: He Cheated On Me But Wants Me To Take Him Back

Everyone’s way of coping with a blow as severe as infidelity can be different. There’s no one-size-fits-all mantra that works for all when it comes to figuring out how to deal with being cheated on. There isn’t any magic potion either. What works for one person may not work for another. However, adopting certain healthy practices to work through the pain can help. Dhriti offers us nine such tips that help you make headway in your quest to figure out how to find peace after being cheated on:

1. Allow yourself to experience all your negative emotions

Dhriti feels, “It’s crucial to express freely whatever negative thoughts or emotions are coming up for you, in a safe space and in a healthy manner. Many people suffer unnecessarily because they believe they “should” be feeling a certain way and not how they’re actually feeling. Well, every emotion carries meaning, so lean into your emotions rather than running away from them.”

While you may be encouraged by friends or relatives to shove your emotions under the carpet, do give yourself the time and space to feel all that you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to feel angry, feel sad, feel embarrassed. This will help you take the first step toward figuring out how to find peace after being cheated on.

2. Set boundaries

If you’re still clueless about how to deal with being cheated on, this can be a great solution. Before you decide on the ‘should you forgive a cheater’ question, work on setting firm boundaries. Dhriti says, “It’s important to recognize your needs and boundaries and then firmly establish them with your partner.” Forgiving a cheater also requires you to let them know what you’re not okay with. This is how to deal with being cheated on if you wish to continue the relationship:

• You can set a boundary for personal space, asking to stay in separate rooms or away from each other till you come to a resolution
• You can ask for complete clarity or closure, asking them to explain why they did what they did before you take a step forward
• You can ask for great transparency in the relationship, letting your partner know you won’t accept any more lies and secrets 

Related Reading: 7 Things That Help You Heal Post A Breakup

3. Avoid self-blame

It’s very natural in these troubled times to blame yourself for:

• Not being good in bed
• Not decking up to look good
• Not listening to their rants 

You can end up blaming yourself and indulging in negative self-talk for your partner’s cheating ways. Dhriti says, “Avoid falling into the spiral of blaming yourself. It is likely that there were already trust issues in the relationship before the cheating partner inflicted the pain of infidelity on their partner. It’s important to differentiate between taking accountability for some issue and taking blame for the cheating.” Remember, cheating is a choice.

4. Don’t rush into making a decision

Forgiving a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend is not easy and it certainly won’t happen overnight. So, remember, there’s no need for you to make a decision right away. If you’re still wondering, “Should I stay with a cheater or leave?”, Dhriti advises, “Avoid making a decision in haste, or out of anger or fear. Give yourself some time to process your emotions before you take your next step.” This way, you’ll also be able to find the root cause of this infidelity, which, in turn, makes it easier to decipher how to find peace after being cheated on.

Related Reading: 8 Ways To Reconnect After A Big Fight

5.  Rely on your support system

Healing after being cheated on may not be easy but spending time with your inner circle helps you a lot in this phase. Dhriti says, “It’s absolutely necessary to have a social support system around you. This should include people who make you feel safe and cared for. It could also be your internal support system: things and activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and connection. So, go ahead and:

• Talk to your best friend or your family
• Go for a rejuvenating solo trip or take a trip with your besties
• Hit the gym or take up a hobby, such as painting, sports, or gardening
• Read the latest book by your favorite author

6. Reach out for professional help

If all else fails, reach out to a professional therapist or relationship counselor. Dhriti says, “A licensed therapist can help you target the specific areas that prevent moving on and make healing after a breakup due to infidelity easy for you. They can work through the pain in a healthy and effective manner.” 

Related Reading: Personal Space In A Relationship Holds It Together

Be aware that mental health ailments like anxiety and cheating go hand in hand. Sometimes, people even slip into depression after being cheated on. That’s why it’s vital to prioritize looking after your mental health. You can consider going into couples therapy or opt for individual therapy. If you are considering getting help, don’t hesitate to reach out to Bonobology’s counseling services.

7. Be mindful of what gnaws at your self-worth

Dhriti says, “Your partner’s infidelity says more about them than about you. It is important to preserve your sense of self-worth and not fret about what people will think of you.” There are chances that you may suffer from post-infidelity stress disorder, so it’s crucial that you don’t internalize the cheating. Instead of giving in to that little voice in your head that says you’re responsible for this, shut it down by being strong. This is one of the main steps if you’re wondering how to find peace after being cheated on.

8. Let go

It’s important to be able to let go of certain things, whether you’re forgiving a cheater or moving away from the relationship. If your partner cheated on you remorselessly, try letting it go and focus on yourself instead. Dhriti suggests, “Work toward acceptance and letting go. Be patient with yourself in this process and remember that letting go is a choice you make for the sake of your own peace. It is not something you owe to someone. If you don’t feel ready for it, you don’t need to force it. However, acceptance of the event is crucial in order for you to move on from it.”

Related Reading: 10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

9. Indulge in acts of self-care and self-love

Before going ahead with forgiving someone who cheated, a lot of inner work is required. Remember to take care of your own self. Healing after being cheated on takes a lot of self-care. Dhriti says, “Personal development and self-care activities are absolutely necessary at this stage, especially when you don’t want to indulge in them. Ironically, it is when we don’t feel like taking care of ourselves when we need self-care the most.” She suggests a few ways of coping with the triggers after being cheated on, and they include taking care of:

• Basic physiological needs: Get enough sleep and follow a healthy and balanced diet. Avoid junk food or emotional eating
• Safety and security needs: Make sure you’re staying at a safe place. Move out of your home if you feel you aren’t comfortable staying with a cheater or you feel you’re being engulfed by depression after being cheated on
• Belongingness needs: Make sure you establish connections with others around you

What To Do When You Get Cheated On — Stay Or Leave?

So, now that you know how to find peace after being cheated on, we’ll come to your next question, “Should you forgive a cheater?” More importantly, do relationships work after cheating? Dhriti believes, “The decision of staying with a cheater or leaving after a relationship is a deeply personal one. That is because every relationship is unique, as are the people that make up that relationship. Hence, there is no prescribed right or wrong answer to this question.” 

Related Reading: When My Wife Cheated On Me, I Decided To Show More Love

However, she thinks you need to consider a few things before you make the decision regarding what to do when you get cheated on. So, ask yourself these questions if you’re wondering, “Should I stay with a cheater?”

• Is your partner remorseful for their actions and genuine in their apologies?
• Is your partner able to take accountability for their actions?
• Do you feel that you have it in you to trust them again? Or will the fear of being cheated on always loom large?
• What will it take in order for you to recover? 
• Can your partner provide what you need to get back in the relationship or will your bond turn into a more toxic relationship?

To help you with making a mature and well-informed decision, we’ve collated some points to highlight the pros and cons of both staying with a cheater and leaving.

The pros and cons of staying

Forgiving someone who cheated on you mercilessly is not going to be easy. But you should weigh both the pros and cons in this case:

The pros and cons of leaving

If you think the answer to, “Do relationships work after cheating?”, is a resounding ‘no’ and are thinking of leaving your cheating spouse, well, here are some pros and cons of such a decision:

Now that you’ve read our article, we hope you’ve gained valuable insights into the effects of being cheated on, the ways to deal with being cheated on, and the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship after being cheated on. Remember, it’s easy to blame a situation and quit, but it takes guts to stay back and rebuild trust. 

With that being said, it is also crucial to take note of any sense of disrespect or toxicity within the relationship. Once you feel your relationship is beyond repair, feel free to disengage. Get into a new relationship, if need be. But do it out of your own free will. Moving forward is necessary for your growth and peace.

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