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  • 3 Types of Friends You Need

    3 Types of Friends You Need

    Is there anything sweeter than a soul-refreshing friendship? You know the one you can randomly meet up with at a coffee shop, spill your guts, and then receive a warm and understanding hug. Then you have the mom who gives you encouragement and helpful advice when you’re in the trenches of a truly disheartening and difficult season of motherhood. 

    Ahh, sweet friendships. We all need them, right? And yes, we need to be those friends as well. But maybe questions flood your heart. Questions like: What kinds of friend should I truly be searching for? Are there different kinds of friends for various seasons of my life? Does that essentially mean I must change as well?

    Well, my sweet friend, is it okay that I call you that? I know we haven’t officially met, but I have a keen feeling that if I met you over a warm cup of coffee we’d somehow just click. That’s because if you are here (at iBelieve), you are my kind of gal. All that aside, let’s be honest for just a minute, shall we?

    I have had all those questions mentioned above about friendships as well, and more. That’s because relationships with other women aren’t always so cut and dry. Friendships can be tricky and not so easy to navigate. Our emotions and hearts get invested, and we can spend a lot of time with these girls. And sadly, sometimes hurt happens. 

    While people move, some change, and others just aren’t your cup of tea (and that’s okay), there are those who bring on friction, cause confusion, and may bring you to question if they are the “right” kind of friend.

    So, how do we find and keep friends who truly are what the Bible calls “sweet friendships” (Proverbs 27:9)? You know, the sweet friend who doesn’t just “get you” but comes alongside you to love, encourage, and hold you accountable. Not only that but she leads you to grow in your faith and love the Lord with all your heart! 

    Sis, no matter what season you are in, whether you are a single girlie or a mom of college kiddos, there are three types of friends you need (and need to be), starting right now!

    1. The Mentor Friend

    Think the Titus 2 woman. Every woman needs an older (and wiser) faith-filled woman to lean on. The one who has “been there and done that” and can share her pearls of wisdom all while encouraging you to be the woman, wife, and mother God is calling you to be. 

    In Titus 2, 1 Timothy, and 2 Timothy, Paul is giving instructions to the church leaders on how to “train” a younger group of men and women. His message is still loud and clear today, as it is to insinuate that elderly God-fearing women in the church need to lay out an example for the next generation of women.

    These lovely ladies can provide valuable insight on how to stay faithful, be of sober-mind, and remain steadfast under trials while showing characteristics of dignity, self-resect, and godly submission in every aspect of our lives.

    Who wouldn’t want a friend like this? Better yet, who wouldn’t want to be this kind of friend to another?

    As faithful women, we are all called to seek wise counsel in the form of a mentor, as well as be mentors, especially within the Body of Christ (1 Timothy 4:12, 2 Timothy 2:2). As we seek to hold one another up in Christ, with a mindset to shape the next generation, we have the ability to gain some of the sweetest friendships we will ever know all while growing more and more like Christ. 

    2. The Memory-Maker Friend

    Oh, the simply sweet memory-maker friend. As the name implies, a memory-making friend is the one you meet up with and “make memories.” This is your peer, the one who is in the thick of the season you are in, right beside you, cheering you on as if also trying to motivate herself (1 Thessalonians 5:11). You can laugh, cry, scream, vent, and overshare with this girl. She gets it because she is living it too!

    Text this girl to meet at the park in five minutes, she’s there. Chat on the phone in the closet during nap time, she’ll listen. She’s got your back and you’ve got hers. You can go out to the movies and giggle over the cheesy plot or get away for a weekend and have the time of your life. This friend is pretty amazing!

    The truth is that God created us to be relational beings and to be able to do this life together in a relatable and special way. He made friendship for us to commune and fellowship, so when we get together with these dear friends, we reap the benefits tenfold (1 John 1:7, Acts 2:42). Praise God for that!

    That said, these friendships must be built on mutual trust and respect, otherwise tension can ensue, and negative feelings can unravel, creating devastating consequences (Proverbs 16:28). While these friends sadly can come and go in and out of our lives for various reasons, we must treasure the time we have with these dear sisters. All in all, just be the kind of friend you seek and treat these beauties like the real gems that they truly are (Luke 6:31)!

    3. The Meaningful Friend

    This is the well-meaning friend who ever so sweetly tells it like it is. This friend will see your blind spots and be sure to let you know. However, behind her words is a heart of pure gold as she strives to serve and love others through servanthood.

    Need a meal after the new little bundle arrives, she’s got you covered. Have a prayer request, she’s on it! She’ll basically be the one to drop everything she is doing and graciously serve you with an open mind and soft heart. She’s there, always dependable, and her love for Jesus is outwardly evident. 

    A meaningful friend will encourage you by using her own gifts and talents all while supporting and pointing out your beautiful gifts, talents, and attributes. In other words, she wants you to be the best version of yourself and deeply cares about your heart. What a rare thing these days!

    Meanwhile, the most beautiful thing about this friend is her ability to use compassion as a base to develop a relationship. She is quick to show vulnerability, invests time and energy, and is genuine in her approach. This friend is simply lovely inside and out and is intentional, often befriending the lonely and lost.

    So, what type of friends are in your life? Better yet, what type of friend are you?

    A Prayer for Your Friendship

    Lord, thank you for the gift of friendship. Help us look to You and model the example in which You lay out for us in Your Word on how to be a good friend. We want to be a friend who is trustworthy and shows respect and honor to our fellow sisters in Christ. Allow us to find wise friends to learn and grow from while also sharing wisdom when prompted. Give us those dear friends to make memories with and help us be meaningful friends who choose to see the needs of others, serving them with a heart of compassion. We are so thankful that you created us for fellowship and that we can come to You first with a raw and real heart, sharing what we need. Give us hearts to be the kind of friend You want and need us to be. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Lyndon Stratford

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • How True Repentance Brings Sweet Reunions

    How True Repentance Brings Sweet Reunions

    It seems like a whirlwind romance! He picked her up at the airport and took her to his home as a first-time guest. They stayed up all night, catching up on life and sharing memories. They talked about what was to come, grand plans for the future.

    Sounds like a movie or a novel’s plot, right? But this story is about a brother and a sister who live in different states and have grown far apart over the years. With their late dad’s voice running constantly through their minds, saying, “Make sure that you pursue a relationship with your siblings!” they decided to make good on their promise to do so. 

    Cruising for Bruising and Brokenness

    “Bruised” and “broken”—these two words are often associated with trauma or injury, normally when someone sustains a fall or has an accident. Bruising happens when you damage your small blood vessels, with the color changing from dark to light as it starts fading or healing. A broken bone’s telltale signs can include bruising, often marked with pain. It’s intense at times and can include possible deformity or limited range of motion.

    We often describe relationships as bruised or broken—or both. Someone experiences trauma, also known as relational abuse. Mistreatment—either physical, emotional, or mental—begins to cause adverse responses such as anxiety, feelings of shame, and guilt. As the abuser or victim (or both) downplays the circumstance, sweeping it under the rug, the bruising and brokenness intensify over time. It is sometimes difficult to fully recover from this type of injury, but not impossible.

    A Parable of Brokenness

    In the Gospel of Luke, we have the Parable of the Prodigal Son: “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living” (15:11-13).

    How often do you hear of a son or a daughter asking for his inheritance before the parent is ready to give it to him or her? And how often do you hear a parent granting his or her child’s request without so much as saying, “I am not even dead yet and you are already collecting! What if I don’t want to give you anything?”

    But the father in Jesus’ parable did exactly the unexpected. He divided his property between his two children and gave his younger son his share. He didn’t question his son’s motivation or have any wise words such as, “Don’t squander what I worked hard for!” He didn’t even advise, “I hope you use your inheritance as an investment for a healthy financial future.” 

    The son packed up and left, enjoying the wealth he could personally control. However, he destroyed himself, living the high life.

    How much bruising and brokenness happened in this family? First, we have the father. He had to deal with the younger son’s request of giving his inheritance earlier than necessary. It must have broken his heart for his younger son’s choice to live a life without accountability! As for the younger son? He got his free pass! He couldn’t care less about hurting anyone’s feelings. He left to pursue his own path, leaving his family with a broken heart!

    “Choices Have Consequences”

    “And when [the younger son] had spent everything, a famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his field to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything” (Luke 15:14-16).

    We have heard the saying, “Choices have consequences.” Here we are in the story of when the younger son already lost all his inheritance from his irresponsible lifestyle. And his life took an even harder turn with a famine. He knew he had fallen into a deep pit when the pigs on his job site were fed better than him. His undignified life and miserable state were sure signs of his brokenness.

    But let’s go back to the opening story of the brother and sister. We can surmise that their choice not to pursue a relationship for many years was an easy one for them. After all, they live in different states. “Out of sight, out of mind!” as the saying goes. When the sister would visit their father, it was about a father-daughter moment, not a family gathering. The lackadaisical attitude on the brother’s part was perceived to be him not wanting a relationship with her. And since there was no real communication between them, there was no bond established. This might sound like a relational blunder that could be shrugged off… but what if the sister didn’t know Christ and the brother did? This creates new stakes in the importance of maintaining healthy relationships.

    We are often participants—consciously or not—in bruising and breaking events, either excusing ourselves from responsibility for our shortcomings that impact others or allowing others to inflict their questionable and problematic behaviors on us. So how do we recover from trauma and move on?

    A Sweet Reunion

    “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” And he arose and came to his father” (Luke 15:17-19).

    A wake-up call! Admitting to himself that he, the younger son, was not in good shape, his decision to go back to his father’s house and to ask for his father’s forgiveness were his first steps to recovery from his self-inflicted trauma. In his honest and humble reflection, he didn’t feel worthy to be his father’s son, a man who should enjoy the riches his father still owns. He was willing to be treated as a servant. He knew he was at the bottom of the totem pole.

    “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him… The father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate” (Luke 15:20, 22-23).

    Yes, reunions should be times of celebration! The pettiness and foolishness of the past should be set aside. But, just like the younger son’s heartfelt realization, we should see ourselves for who we truly are, especially in the sight of God. We should not discount the fact that forgiveness is important, asking for it to right the wrongs inflicted on others and granting it to ourselves so we can heal from our own bruises and brokenness. 

    The brother and sister celebrated their restored relationship, just like the father and his son in the parable. The sister said, “Amidst the chaos, I am thankful for your prayer and for welcoming me into your home.” The brother said, “I am thankful to the Lord that I was able to pray and lead you to Christ! That is the best gift we share today—our faith in Jesus!”

    As the psalmist said, “[God] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (147:3). Let’s not walk around in pain, limping from our brokenness. It’s good to be reunited with loved ones—and with our Creator!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

    Luisa Collopy

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  • How Should Believers Navigate Prenuptial Agreements?

    How Should Believers Navigate Prenuptial Agreements?

    Getting engaged is a pivotal moment in a couple’s lives and comes with much excitement and anticipation. However, this glorious moment can be shattered when one says, “’ I’ll say, ‘I do,’ ‘til prenup do us part?”  It doesn’t really have a nice ring to it. So, what is a prenup, and how should we go about this highly controversial topic as believers?

    The history of the prenuptial agreement (prenup) dates back to ancient Egyptian times and was often used as a means to care for a widowed woman. According to Brodie Friedman, marital and family law attorneys, these contracts were written up to protect the wealth and property that came from both the bride and groom’s family. Due to prearranged marriages then, a bride was given away with a dowry, and a groom was to pay her family to marry her. This nuptial agreement was designed to ensure that she would have rights to wealth and property if her husband passed away.

    Fast-forward to today. These nuptial agreements have since faced some skepticism but have become rather commonplace since the laws on divorce began to change in the early 1950s (Wikipedia). Now, we see a different evolution of what marital agreements entail, as a prenup states how money, possessions, and assets are to be divided in the unlikely event that a couple part ways and proceeds with a divorce.

    This “agreement” not only comes with a pretty bad connotation nowadays but can stir up distrust and mixed feelings, especially among Christian couples. Rightfully so, as believers, we hold to the notion that a marriage is meant to be a life-long venture, sacred and holy under God (Mark 10:8-12). That said, putting a prenup in place would cheapen the most favored human relationships, deeming it more like a contract than a covenant (Matthew 5:32). 

    However, it may be worth questioning whether there is ever a rare or certain case in which a prenup might be warranted. According to Focus on the Family, “blended families and already-started business ventures can create unique financial situations that need to be addressed with explicit care. A prenuptial agreement could be a wise way to avoid future financial and legal headaches, particularly where extended family is involved.” There was also mention of going into a marriage with significant financial debt or extreme assets where a prenup may be worth considering.

    We must recognize that we live in a fallen world riddled by tragedy, and unfortunately, divorce is a part of that. However, when a couple goes into a marriage with a mindset of the possibility of it “not working out,” the motives are already way off base. The truth of the matter is that God’s design for a marriage is to bring two of His beloved children together and make them one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This sacred union is to be valued as a commitment to life (Ecclesiastes 9:9). 

    Husbands are called to love and lead their wives, giving themselves up for her, while wives are to honor and respect their husband’s role and submit to him being the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7-9). Each brings a beautiful role into a marriage, holding equal value but different and unique qualities that are required to make a marriage based on faithfulness and devotion while being rich in love (Ephesians 5:22-31).

    Christian couples should enter a marriage by seeking to honor and glorify God’s design for marriage and enter their union equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). When each spouse says “I do” to honor and submit to God first and foremost, then submit to one another in marriage as Christ did the church (Ephesians 5:21), that is the only agreement needed.

    Father, we thank You for the precious gift You give us in marriage. Please help us see our fiancés and future spouses as You do – as a beloved child and priceless treasure. Help us honor Your perfect design for marriage and live in a purposeful way that glorifies You together. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Edmond Dantès

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

    Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

    I feel as though I’m prying. Maybe it’s because there’s a stigma around loneliness, even if this condition is something of an epidemic. About 1 in 3 Americans reported feeling lonely in a recent survey. 

    Loneliness means we’re journeying through life solo. In the words of the Bible, loneliness hits probably because we lack a friend “who is as [precious to us as] our own souls” (Deuteronomy 13:6, AMP). 

    As precious to us as our own souls? Whoa! What a tall order.

    Few relationships would fit. Can you classify coworkers and acquaintances as “friends who are like your soul mates” (ISV) when all you do is chat about casual things with them? 

    Here’s why the question I asked at the beginning is worth considering. I attended the 2024 Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) conference and learned about a sobering study on the well-being of pastors and their spouses. These researchers discovered pastors who had more close friends also endorsed fewer depression symptoms. They felt more satisfied in ministry. 

    Granted, pastors are unique. Their leadership role sets them apart from the rest of the church. However, this position’s endless demands often intrude into the pastors’ personal lives and impact their families, further pressuring them, which explains their need for close confidantes.

    But the need for true friends isn’t limited to just clergy. God created all humans to be relational beings. And so, it makes sense for all of us to need a trusted friend. Whether you lead a Fortune 500 company, a tribe of young humans still at home, or are somewhere in between, even if your life is relatively drama-free, you’ll still benefit from having an ally.

    Friendship increases life satisfaction. In contrast, loners have been found to be twice as likely to die prematurely. Research shows baring your heart to a buddy can lower blood pressure during stressful situations.

    But how do we find that kind of friend? 

    Here are three ideas:

    1. Old Friends

    Did you meet someone who then became a close friend earlier in life? Cherish that friendship. Work through any rift that might have ripped you two apart in the course of time. Old friendships—that is, connections we made while we were younger—offer a richness that can be missing from those fostered in adulthood. 

    As Scripture says, “never abandon a friend” (Proverbs 27:10, NLT). Don’t discard an old friendship in the face of quarrels.

    But friendships, obviously, fall under the umbrella of relationships, and conflicts within relationships are notoriously tricky to resolve. So, if you feel stumped by the schism between you and your friend, email me your dilemma. The Ask Dr. Audrey’s Advice Column might offer the balm you need to soothe the cracks in your friendship.

    If there is no squabble separating you from your old friends, wonderful. I’m happy for you. Still, please don’t take your pals for granted. Keep working on your friendships. Whether it’s a quick “miss you!” text or a heartfelt video chat, cherish your friends. Let them know how appreciative you are of them.

    2. Risk a “Yes”

    Remember the conference I told you about earlier? I presented on—what else?—Internal Family System (IFS), my favorite therapy modality. Afterward, while browsing the book tables, I ran into one of the people who attended my workshop. We chatted about IFS before she dropped an unexpected question: “Would you like to come to my birthday party?”

    I didn’t know this lady. At all. Plus, the party was at the hotel where the conference was held. Because I stayed at a different property—and the forecast called for rain for the rest of the day—RSVP-ing yes might have meant being drenched as I walked to the party and back.

    There were many reasons to beg off, but I’m so glad I risked a “yes”!

    I didn’t know it then, but my agreement unlocked a roomful of joy. The birthday party ended up feeling like a clean comedy show. As a present for the birthday girl, every guest was supposed to share two truths and a lie while the group guessed the lie. Because some were expert storytellers, stories about squirrels and singing captivated us while others crafted creative jabs and poked innocent fun as more stories flowed.

    The evening erupted into one raucous laughter after another.

    But how does my experience affect you?

    The next time the chance to socialize arises, risk a yes. Pray and confirm it with God first, of course, but unless you feel a clear “no” from the Almighty, lean on your yes. 

    You might make a few friends that way.

    3. Initiate 

    May I indulge you with one more story from the eventful party? This one originated from the birthday girl herself. These parties, she explained, started because her birthday used to be lonely. No friend was around to celebrate her happy day.

    “Why don’t you invite a few people out and treat them to a nice meal?” her husband advised. “Not McDonald’s.”

    She listened to his advice and gained a group of close friends as a result.

    Let’s apply this concept to you.

    If you lack true friends, volunteer yourself to be one. No need to wait until someone offers you the gift of friendship. Instead, initiate the process. Stretch your comfort zone and get to know others. Be generous in spending your time with them. Buy them a Christmas gift. Surprise them with a gift card for their birthday. 

    Keep nourishing that new friendship until it won’t be that new anymore, and before you realize it, you’ll have a close friend to share life with.

    Take it from the party I attended. One reason it felt special was because the guests kept showing up at the same conference, and the same birthday party, for years. By the time I arrived, the bond between them—and the birthday girl—had been clearly established.  

    It Takes One

    There is a flicker of hope arising from the research on pastors I cited earlier. Whether it’s them or their spouses, the researchers discovered it took having only one friend to improve the lives of these study participants. 

    Imagine that! We don’t need to have a close friend in every state to improve our welfare. It only takes one. 

    Scripture confirms that friendship isn’t about quantity but quality. “A person of too many friends comes to ruin,” warns Proverbs 18:24 (NASB). 

    Moral of the story?

    If you’re an extrovert, don’t let your natural ability to socialize backfire. Collecting an impressive number of contacts is great, but advance only the right persons into your inner circle. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Don’t let those you call friends corrupt your decisions regarding God or life in general.

    And if you’re an introvert, endure the discomfort that comes with reaching out to make new friends. Extroverts might rate this kind of activity as less nerve-wracking than you, but that’s okay. Scale down the effort if you need to. You only need one good friend, remember?

    No matter your tendency, and whether the friendships you’re working on are quite old or brand new, cultivate them. Check in on your friends. Forgive. 

    And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to plot out my two truths and one lie. 

    My new friend’s next birthday party awaits!

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Elle Hughes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • 8 Ways to Impact Your Grandchildren

    8 Ways to Impact Your Grandchildren

    My oldest grandson just entered his last year of elementary school. The years have whizzed by in a flurry of sweet and sometimes salty photographs, each representing an opportunity to spend time with this blonde bundle of energy, who will become a full-fledged man in what seems a nanosecond. He would like my use of the word nanosecond, as it is so much more interesting than the word “second” and much more current than the expression “in the blink of an eye.”

    It has been said, “grandparents are a delightful blend of laughter, caring deeds, wonderful stories, and love.” I hope that my grandchildren would agree!

    As Christians, our view of how we choose to engage in the lives of our grandchildren can be guided fully by our faith, our deep desire to fulfill the call of Scripture to love others well, and by our strong desire to leave a legacy of God’s “righteousness with our children’s children,” Psalm 103:17. Let me share with you eight wise ways that you can have a rich and lasting impact on your grandchildren.

    1. Overflow With Unconditional Love

    Grandparents have a unique opportunity to be honest with themselves regarding the missteps that they may have made as parents, while aligning with the Psalmist in declaring, “Search me, O God, and know my heart” Psalm 139:23-24. In doing so, grandparents can move forward humbly and boldly in caring for their grandchildren with a truly Christ-informed mindset of love that is unconditional. Such love values grace over judgment, shuns comparison, and sees each individual grandchild as beautifully unique and made in the image of God.

    2. Lead a Healthy Lifestyle

    Four to five mornings a week, I stand in the downstairs powder room with my not-quite-four-year-old granddaughter and listen to Mickey Mouse sing the brush your teeth song. As I put toothpaste on her toothbrush this morning, she handed me my toothbrush. She stood on my little step stool, and the two of us made our teeth sparkle. We have all heard the phrase, “More is caught than taught.” Whether getting out and taking walks together or snacking on berries and juicy summer watermelon, healthy behavior catches on. It has the added potential benefit of grandma and papa being around for a long time!

    3. Be Present and Available

    It goes without saying that any truly good relationship has a foundation of ongoing and consistent interaction. One author calls this “the power of being there.” For grandparents who live near their grandchildren, this may take the shape of assisting with after-school care, a special weekend date, or simply showing up for special school programs and extra-curricular activities.

    Some crucial keys to significant grandparent-grandchild interactions are as follows: 1. Check-in with parents to clear outings and activities. 2. Always show up and be where you say you’ll be. 3. Focus on your grandchild in a loving and supportive manner. This is the present in being present!

    4. Be Intentional

    Even if your grand’s live far away, and you only have the opportunity to visit in person once a year or so, you still can create a present and meaningful relationship through intentional, planned visits that will focus on time with them. Throughout the year, caring deeds such as phone calls, FaceTime, handwritten letters, and thoughtful small gifts continue to move forward the connection you seek to build. A postcard from a trip you have gone on or a photograph can be a fun way to connect. You can even try being pen pals with your grandchild. Whatever your circumstance, the goal is to be intentional in building a strong, loving connection that will impact your grandchild throughout their lifetime.

    5. Have Fun!

    The beauty of fun is that it is just plain a good time. A grandparent, who is a blend of part laughter and part love, starts with a sense of play, allows for a pinch of silliness, and adds a whole lot of imagination. Counselor and pastor Charles Shedd noted, “Grandparents are, without a doubt, some of the world’s best educators.” It is amazing how we can share hobbies, a love of reading or nature skills, and all sorts of wisdom and wonder when we mix it with a generous portion of fun-having. Consider what your grandchildren already enjoy, and learn about it. Let them teach you a thing or two as well, or look for creative ways to present what you love and invite them into new learning worlds full of delight.

    6. Stay Relevant

    Two of the greatest missteps a grandparent can make in their relationship with their grandchild are losing their sense of what it was like to be young and scoffing at the changes or new trends that come along with each generation. As the older generation, we may want to imbue the younger ones we love with certain ideals and traditions. We may feel confused and dismayed when our well-meaning lessons fall on deaf ears. Remembering that we, too, were once the generation questioning traditions, and embracing new ideas, can help us to build common ground with our grandchildren. Ask questions, be curious about new technology and paradigms, and be willing to try something new when possible. Listen well without judgment, and seek to understand rather than point to the way things used to be. I am not suggesting you shrug off your faith or family values, but rather that you listen and love well in order to honor their interests and actively example your faith.

    7. Tell Your Story

    “Young people need something stable to hang on to – a culture connection, a sense of their own past, a hope for their future. Most of all they need what grandparents can give them.” Pastor J. Kesler

    Every grandparent has a story that has been written on their life by the hand of a loving and purposeful God. There are flawed parts that perhaps can only be shared carefully and with great wisdom when speaking to young hearts, but among these, there is tale after tale of redemption, kindness, and hope. All of these are part of the history that can be laced with humility and passed down to our descendants. These wonderful stories can unfold naturally as you enjoy a meal together, walk in the neighborhood, or drive to an outing. You can also share bits of history in notes and letters or even in a more formal legacy journal.

    8. Love Jesus by Example

    Psalm 92:14 encourages the older Christians to continue to bear fruit and stay fresh and green as they maintain relationships and righteousness through Jesus Christ. This Psalm creates a vivid word picture of a valuable life that leads others to God simply through a flourishing vitality in their faith. As grandparents, we may not always have the opportunity to share our faith verbally with our grandchildren, and if we do, it should always be supported by the actions of our daily life. As noted previously, godly grandparents can impact their grandchildren through an unconditional love that reflects well how God loves them and us. Grandparents can actively live out their faith in the day-to-day, seeking to exemplify a growing faith in God integrated into all aspects of life. It may be a simple prayer for travel safety as we evidence our reliance on and hope in God.

    Grandparents who value prayer for the powerful gift it is can become legacy-makers, deeply impacting the lives of their grandchildren through diligently praying for their grandchildren, and they can love them with biblical words of affirmation and blessing over their lives. Almost daily, as I buckle my youngest granddaughter into her car seat, I remind her that she is a gift from God. My oldest grandson often hears the words, “You are a fine young man of God.”  

    Billy Graham once noted, “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”

    Within every grandparent is a great well of impact potential to influence the generations that come after with grace and truth. We can be not simply grandparents but also mentors, trusted allies, a place of safety, an inspiration to seek God, and a warm, delightful example of love and laughter. These are the makings of character and faith and the wise ways you can have a rich and lasting impact on your grandchildren.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Maryna Andriichenko

    Stacey Monaco has been speaking and writing since her first unpublished children’s book in the fifth grade. Her journey as a writer has taken her from the depths of blue water exploration, to the simplicity of crafting words to encourage and educate in the areas of loss, legacy, leadership, and living life passionately with purpose. Stacey received her Masters Degree in Christian Ministry and Leadership from Talbot School of Theology, and has worked in many roles from slinging coffee to pastoring women. To find more on living the Christian life with intention, head over to her website at StaceyMonaco.com.

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  • How Should Christians View the ‘Tradwife’ Trend?

    How Should Christians View the ‘Tradwife’ Trend?

    The trendy “tradwife” movement. What’s this all about, really? The term trad wife, which denotes the view of a traditional wife with traditional values, was originally displayed about six years ago when several millennial and zoomer housewives took to social media and showcased their idealistic, domesticated lifestyles. 

    These young ladies began to glamorize the iconic All-American 1950s woman as they posted pictures donning the classic fit and flare dress with attached apron and pump high highs. Whether they are placing meals on the table for their family with a glistening smile, vacuuming their immaculate homes, or greeting their husbands at the end of the day with a passionate kiss, the message is to showcase traditional gender roles and the culture of that nostalgic time era. In the time when men were the sole breadwinners and providers, women stayed home and were caretakers.

    According to Estee Williams, a 25-year-old trad wife and TikTok influencer who inspires women how to cook, clean, and maintain beauty for their husbands, “a tradwife submits to her husband and serves her family. This concept is not degrading or considered to be of lesser value than him. This is more common with traditional Christians.” Many of her recent videos share how to find a masculine man and dish out advice for high school girls who are questioning and eager to learn more about her “old school” lifestyle.

    @esteecwilliams What it means to be a Tradwife. #fyp #tradwife #homemaking #housewife #traditional #tradwifecontroversy #womenschoice ♬ Music Instrument – Gerhard Siagian

    While this concept continues to grow and gain momentum on nearly every social media platform, gaining traction, it is apparent that a younger generation of women is seeking men who will lead, provide, and protect them (Ephesians 5: 25-33). However, this movement hasn’t come without a spark of controversy, even among the faith-based circles.

    How should we respond to this tradwife movement through a Biblical lens?

    The phenomenon of a traditional, simpler, and older way of life is nothing new. After all, it’s the cycle of life as families pass down their traditions to their children. It is common for children to take on some of those customs and part ways with others, maybe starting something new. This is where we see old-fashioned ethics and new terms like “trad wife” come into play. 

    However, these homemade definitions are not synonymous with the Biblical housewife portrayed in Proverbs 31 or Titus 2. Where the tradwife focuses on some Biblical views, it completely misses the mark on others. While there are distinct gender roles noted in God’s Word, we are all called to submit to Christ, first and foremost (James 4:7), and then to one another in marriage (Ephesians 5:21).

    Where a tradwife focuses on outward appearances and the authority of her husband, Biblical womanhood encourages marriage to be rooted in faith and glorify God – together. Marriage is a servanthood where a husband is called to love his wife as Christ did the church, and a wife is called to submit to her husband so that he can lead in confidence. There is mutual love, respect, and honor (Ephesians 5:21-33). 

    The Proverbs 31 woman seeks after God’s heart (Mark 12:30), embraces her role as mother and wife, cares for her feminine beauty (1 Peter 3:3-4), is a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:6-8), serves with a gracious heart, and walks with purpose, seeking God’s will and way for her life. This could mean working in or outside of the home.

    Titus 2 is generally an older (wiser) woman who is portrayed as a role model and mentor for young ladies, training them to trust God and walk in obedience. They share the real meaning behind submission, which is to walk with dignity and grace, honoring God’s design for marriage and encouraging young wives to serve and love their husbands and families with compassion.

    Like with any cultural trend, we need to be careful not to be swept away by all its enticing and enamoring effects and choose to seek God’s will and way for our lives by digging into His Word and seeking Truth. The beauty of God’s Word is that it never changes (Psalm 119:89, Isaiah 40:8, Malachi 3:6). In a world that is forever evolving, His Word remains the same. We can count on that—it’s a promise!

    Photo Courtesy: ©Getty Images/Alexandra Girard
    Video Courtesy: esteecwilliams via TikTok

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You

    Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You

    Have you noticed the influx of media marketing lately? Post after post offers seminars or curriculum to help you “be the best you” that you can be because you deserve to live your dreams or change the world with your passion.

    Am I the only one who feels pangs of anxiety when I look over these posts? There is almost a subliminal message that says:

    • You aren’t good enough. 
    • You need to try harder. 
    • Everyone else is resolving to do better.
    • You had better keep up the pace.

    I don’t know about you, but the very idea of these accusations sends me looking for a paper bag to breathe into.

    When I start to feel overwhelmed by a barrage of “shoulda, woulda, coulda” thinking, I have learned it’s time to stop the voice in my head. 

    I don’t know about you, but comparing myself to others is exhausting. Yet, being a middle child and a born people-pleaser, my natural default is to compare myself to those more motivated than me. And when I do that I lose––every time.

    Lose what? I’m glad you asked. 

    Living for the approval of others is never a worthy goal. Let’s face it; people pleasing is a moving target. We’ve all heard “You can’t please all the people all the time,” so if you’re a people pleaser, you will exhaust yourself trying to measure up to everyone else’s standard for success.

    When you bow to the standard of others, you’ll also lose peace of mind. Because you will constantly compare yourself to how others are doing, or change your goals based on the comments of others. 

    So, what can you do? For me freedom from people pleasing came in a number of ways. First and foremost was when I surrendered my life to Jesus as my Lord and Savior because the Spirit of God gave me new life in Christ. 

    Once enslaved to my trespasses and sins, I found God set me free. By the power of His indwelling Spirit, God’s peace began to rule in my heart and mind in Christ Jesus (see Romans 6 and Philippians 4:7).

    When I realized that God created me for His glory and not my own, I learned the most important person to please was the Lord my God. Wow––what a relief!

    No longer did I need to seek the approval of others. 

    The only standard I had to live up to was the one Jesus called me to in relationship with Him.

    So what is that standard? 

    In Mark 12:30-31, the religious leaders asked Jesus what was the priority of life. Jesus’ response was two-fold:

    1. Love God with all of your being.
    2. Love others.

    Now, don’t be tempted to simplify this statement to mean, “God doesn’t care about my sin; all that matters is love.” Because the truth is, if you’re loving God with your whole being, then the evidence of that love is your desire to walk in obedience to His commands. 

    Jesus said, “If you love me you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). So, there’s no way around it. If you’re going to please God alone then your love for Him will cause you to walk in obedience to Him.

    The second part of Jesus’ response in Mark 12 was to love others as we love ourselves. Here’s the interesting part of that statement. We cannot love others in the selfless way God commands until we are living in love with Jesus. Because when we love Him properly, what spills out of us is His selfless love for others.

    When you live to know and love the Lord and His love spills out of your life onto those around you, you will have learned the secret to breaking free of people-pleasing.

    You see, as you draw near to God, He promises to draw near to you. And the closer you walk to Jesus, the more clearly you will have the mind of Christ to discern what He would have you do with your life––rather than comparing yourself to what others are doing with their lives (see James 4:8, 1 Corinthians 2:16).

    There is nothing wrong with looking ahead to set some God-driven goals. You would be wise to daily spend quiet time alone with the Lord to seek His will for your life.

    But more important than setting goals is the time you spend with Jesus. Because time with Him through prayer, Bible Study, and waiting in His presence is the secret to living the life you were meant to live.  

    And when you resolve to live in His presence, you will find the key to freedom from people pleasing.

    Rhonda Stoppe is a pastor’s wife, speaker, and author. As the NO REGRETS WOMAN, Rhonda has more than 20 years experience of helping women live life with no regrets. Through humor, and honest communication, she helps women build NO REGRETS LIVES by applying sound teaching from Scripture. Rhonda appears on radio programs, speaks at women’s events, MOPs, and homeschool conventions throughout the nation. Rhonda Stoppe’s book Moms Raising Sons to be Men is mentoring thousands of moms to guide sons toward a no-regrets life. Her new book If My Husband Would Change, I’d Be Happy: And Other Myths Wives Believe is helping countless women build no-regrets marriages. 

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Publication date: January 16, 2017

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  • Debunking the Myth That All Bachelors in Their 30s and 40s Are Immature

    Debunking the Myth That All Bachelors in Their 30s and 40s Are Immature

    There is a common myth that all single men in their thirties and forties are immature. While this is a common belief, it is not true. In some cases, it may be true, but one should not be dogmatic in saying that all single men who are in their thirties and forties are immature. This is a statement that cannot be backed up with truth because it is not based on any solid foundation. 

    Rather, people try to claim single men within this age range are immature because they are not married. It is important to note that just because a person is not married does not mean they are immature. In the same way, just because a person is married does not mean they are mature. It is incorrect to define a person’s maturity based on whether they are married or not.

    Instead of judging men based on their marital status, you need to look at them as individuals. You do not know the reason behind why they are bachelors in their thirties and forties. It could be they have dedicated their life to following Jesus, haven’t found anyone they truly love yet, or have other focuses in life. Therefore, it is important to debunk the myth that all bachelors in their thirties and forties are immature.

    Measuring Maturity 

    Measuring maturity by a person’s marital status is not wise. As mentioned, being married or not is not a measuring rod for a person’s maturity levels. If anything, bachelors in their thirties and forties may be more mature than you think. Many people believe that bachelors are selfish and only care about themselves, but this is not true. There are many reasons why a single man may choose to stay single. 

    Oftentimes it is their maturity that helps them choose to be unmarried. Within the Christian community, there is a false belief that marriage is the end goal or the ultimate form of happiness. This is not true as our goal as Christians needs to be helping other people come to know Christ and maturing in our own walk with God. Not everyone will get married, but it does not make them any less of a person. 

    If a bachelor chooses to stay unmarried, the Apostle Paul actually says this is better (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). Tragically, many Christians are distorting the Word of God by condemning those who choose to stay single. There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying single for a male or female. If a Christian decides in their heart to stay unmarried and chooses to spend their time focused on God, this is a noble thing. Never should other Christians condemn individuals who choose to stay unmarried. Even the term “bachelor” can be seen as derogatory. 

    Reasons to Stay Unmarried

    It is also important to note that there are many reasons why a man may choose to stay unmarried, even if he is in his thirties or forties. As mentioned earlier, it could be because he is choosing to dedicate his life to following Jesus, hasn’t found the one, or is choosing to spend time bettering himself. While many people might see these things as selfish, they are not. Sadly, men tend to be seen as “lazy,” “selfish,” or “immature” for not being married, but these aren’t blanket statements to apply to all men. 

    Rather, it is important to look at the individual and not pass judgment on them. You never know why a person chooses to stay unmarried unless you truly know them and they open up to you. Even if you may personally believe everyone should get married does not mean that this is what everyone else believes. In fact, it is not even what God says. 

    Nowhere in the Bible do we see God promising marriage to all people. Marriage is a gift, but singleness is also a gift. Unfortunately, within Christian culture, people do not tend to treat singleness as a gift. Instead, they treat it as a great tragedy or something that should be avoided at all costs. This is not a healthy way to think nor is it biblical. Whether a person gets married or not, they can still live a life to the glory of God. A person doesn’t have to be married to follow God, serve Him, or glorify Him in their actions. 

    It could also be someone stays unmarried because they have gone through a bad breakup in the past or they might even be divorced. Due to their bad relationships in the past, they might feel unsafe opening up to someone again. It could be that they still love the person that ended things with them or they are trying to heal from the wounds. Nonetheless, do not judge someone’s maturity or morality based on their marital status. It is not wise and will only lead to pushing this person away from the community of believers. 

    Do Not Pass Judgment 

    The Lord tells us plainly to not judge others (Matthew 7:1). Judging others is not within our responsibility. Judgment is God’s responsibility. He will judge everyone in accordance with His perfect rule. Rather than choosing to pass judgment on men who stay single in their thirties and forties, we need to encourage them to live their lives for the glory of God. Being single does not count you out for living the abundant life that Jesus died for (John 10:10).

    If you have been in the habit of looking down on men who are unmarried, try to change the narrative. Look at the man individually and see how he is living. Is he kind? Is he living to the glory of God? Is he trying his best to help others know Jesus? If you find he is doing all of these things, there is no reason to think badly of him or to think he is immature. Rather, he is just a man who has chosen to remain single.

    Choosing to remain single is a personal decision. It does not have to be approved by people. Whether a person gets married or stays single, they can still live their lives to the glory of God. The Lord looks at our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7)—he does not look at our marital status. If you are a single man in your thirties or forties, know that God will do wonderful things with your life and your singleness. 

    Oftentimes, Christian singles can do the most for God because they are worried about pleasing the Lord rather than pleasing a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Therefore, there is nothing immature about this. Living for God, dedicating all of your time to the Lord, and helping others come to know Him are all very mature things to do. There is beauty in marriage and there is also beauty in singleness. 

    Instead of trying to say one is better or more mature, we need to see married couples and singles as equals. In no way is one more superior than the other. As believers, we are to live in unity with one another, but we cannot do this if there are believers condemning other believers because they have chosen not to be married or have not gotten married by a certain age. There needs to be unity within the family of believers or there will only be disorder. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Andrey Maximenko

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 3 Lessons in Love from the Author of ‘Amazing Grace’

    3 Lessons in Love from the Author of ‘Amazing Grace’

    John Newton is known as the author of Amazing Grace. Newton was always astounded by the grace he received. Towards the end of his life he said “Although my memory’s fading, I remember two things very clearly; I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”

    The dearest love in the heart of Newton was the Lord Jesus. But there was another great love that Newton sometimes feared was a rival to his affection for Christ. That rival was his sweet Polly—also known as Mary Catlett and the would-be wife of John Newton. This is their love story.

    Love At First Sight? 

    It is rather doubtful that John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett had feelings of love at first sight. Rather, it’s far more likely that they were fighting over a beloved toy. Elizabeth Newton and Elizabeth Catlett, best friends, had joked that perhaps the then 6-year-old John might Mary the then 3-year-old Polly. Yet even the faintest hopes of their union would seem to have been an impossibility when John’s mother died a year later, and young John was sent off to boarding school.

    It would be almost a decade later that the two would “meet.” And on this occasion, at least for John, it was love at first sight. As one biographer wrote: “Almost at first sight of this girl, then under fourteen years of age, he was impressed with such an affection for her as appears to have equaled all that the writers of romance have imagined.”[1]

    Just as Gilligan’s “three hour tour” turned into three seasons of television, so also did the smitten Newton’s quick visit turn into a three week stay. Though he was so overtaken by Polly that he mentally replanned his entire life, the young girl was unable to return those affections. And Newton was compelled to serve in the British Navy.

    It would be four years that John was away at sea. Though he kept his love for Polly alive, those four years had hardened and shaped Newton into a rebellious and vulgar sailor. Though he would now reject any notion of God, he still had a heart for this young lady who captivated him years prior. As Newton would tell it:

    “I soon lost,” says he, “all sense of religion and became deaf to the remonstrances of conscience and prudence: but my regard for her was always the same, and I may, perhaps, venture to say, that none of the scenes of misery and wickedness I afterward experienced ever banished her a single hour together from my waking thoughts for the seven following years.”[2]

    But soon, his affections would be transformed by another.

    Newton’s Fateful Voyage

    While on a slave trading voyage, Newton the sailor was caught in a violent storm. And it was here that for the first time in many years Newton prayed. He was not entirely changed at this point, but it began the first seeds of a deep heart change Newton would experience.

    John, who had been corresponding through Polly’s aunt, met some great disappointment. He believed himself unworthy of Polly and decided to break it off. Finances were also an issue. He knew he could not provide the financial stability that the Catlett’s would need to see in order to entrust their beloved Mary to him. His sensibilities, having been somewhat reformed by this storm and now meeting this new discouragement, John decided to end the romance.

    Unbeknownst to him, though, his father and the Catlett family had already arranged an engagement between the two. There was only one sticking point—Polly. What would she think of this arrangement? Newton was unsure and often found himself tongue-tied around her. He wrote her by letter to see if she felt the same about him. When she responded, though cautiously, that she shared at least some affection, John was over the moon.

    Newton continued his time on a slave ship, hoping to earn a solid living so he could propose marriage. It is difficult to say whether Newton had been actually converted at this point. He doesn’t develop evangelical views until a few years later. But by 1753, we know that his heart was indeed captured by another—the Lord Jesus. He wrote to his, now wife Polly, “I wish to limit my passion within those bounds which God has appointed.”

    A Happy Marriage

    On February 1, 1750, John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett were united in marriage. They would remain together until 1790, when Polly died of breast cancer. Their affections for one another were deep. In 1793, to honor her, John published two volumes of letters that he had sent to Mary throughout their marriage.

    They understood that their marriage was a gift from God. Newton once wrote to his wife:

    For, when I take up my pen, and begin to consider what I shall say, I am led to think of the goodness of God, who has made you mine, and given me a heart to value you. Thus my love to you, and my gratitude to him, cannot be separated. And, as you are so good to prize my affection, by finding it thus accompanied, you may be assured of its being unalterable. All other love that is not thus connected with a dependence upon God must be precarious. To this want I attribute many unhappy marriages. I believe many persons fall from their hopes of satisfaction in that state, by degrees insensible to themselves; and a secret change, or alienation of mind from each other takes place before they are well aware of it; till, in time, they proceed to such lengths as they would once have judged impossible.[3]

    Newton believed that their happy marriage was a direct result of their love for Christ. It became the immovable foundation for their love for one another. This love continued through all of their years. Newton wrote in 1770: “I can remember when the sun seemed to shine in vain, and the whole creation appeared as a blank if you were from me. Not that I love you less. The intercourse of many successive years has endeared you more and more to my heart.”[4]

    This love endured through many years of ministry. In 1764, John Newton became rector of the Church at Olney. It was during this time that he developed a friendship with William Cowper. Cowper was often depressed and suicidal and would require almost constant supervision by the Newtons. During this time as pastor of Olney, Newton’s fame grew as his Authentic Narrative was published.

    He kept this post in Olney until 1779, when the couple moved to London. This provided far more luxury and comfort but perhaps even more busyness. From Olney and throughout his ministry in London, John was very busy, and this would have likely added some strain to their message—but their dedication to one another and the cause of Christ sustained them. Newton did not take the path of many fellow ministers during the time, who seemed to have all but abandoned their families. Newton remained dedicated to Polly.

    They also endured much familial heartbreak. Mary was often gone taking care of her ailing parents and siblings. Also, though the couple never had their own children, they did adopt two of their nieces, Betsy Catlett and Eliza Cunningham. In 1774, they took in Betsy, who would outlive both the Newtons. Eliza came to the Newton’s when she was gravely ill at the age of 12. They took her in as her own until she sadly died in 1785.

    It would be five years later that Polly would succumb to breast cancer. Upon her death, Newton wrote:

    When I was sure she was gone, I took off her ring, according to her repeated injunction, and put it upon my own finger. I then kneeled down, with the servants who were in the room, and returned the Lord my unfeigned thanks for her deliverance and her peaceful dismission.

    How wonderful must be the moment after death! What a transition did she then experience! She was instantly freed from sin, and all its attendant sorrows, and, I trust, instantly admitted to join the heavenly choir. That moment was remarkable to me, likewise. It removed from me the chief object which made another day or hour of life, as to my own personal concern, desirable. At the same time, it set me free from a weight of painful feelings and anxieties, under which nothing short of a divine power could have so long supported me.[5]

    Newton was certainly grief-stricken, but it didn’t impact his ministry. He continued on in all of his ministry the next day. He even preached at Polly’s funeral. Many critiqued him for this, but his resolve here was connected to the entire pattern of their marriage. He loved Polly deeply. But he also understood that she was a gift to him from God. He held her in proper place and so he was able to hold her well.

    Their love story is a beautiful reminder of the depth of Christian love. But it’s also a picture of Christ’s love for the church. It motivates us to love others deeply but to keep our affections proper so we can love people well. This kind of love flows from Christ.

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/carton_king

    [1] John Newton, Richard Cecil, The Works of the John Newton, vol. 1 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 6.
    [2] John Newton, Richard Cecil, The Works of the John Newton, vol. 1 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 6.
    [3] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 394–395.
    [4] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 564.
    [5] John Newton and Richard Cecil, The Works of John Newton, vol. 5 (London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1824), 621.

    Mike Leake is husband to Nikki and father to Isaiah and Hannah. He is also the lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. Mike is the author of Torn to Heal and Jesus Is All You Need. His writing home is http://mikeleake.net and you can connect with him on Twitter @mikeleake. Mike has a new writing project at Proverbs4Today.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com.

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  • When Spouses Can’t Agree on a Church

    When Spouses Can’t Agree on a Church

    As a teenager in my local church, my stomach would churn every time I spotted a certain lady coming to church without her husband. She was wedded in our church in a beautiful, enviable ceremony. She and her groom were visibly in love, barely able to shift their gazes from each other the entire day. My friends and I were completely enthralled by the couple’s display of love. 

    A few years later, the lady was still attending our church but the husband had shifted to another. I felt crushed by the turn of events in their marriage. Like most teenagers, I was greatly intrigued by the subject of marriage. Among the things I envisioned in marriage was unity, and it broke my heart to see the couple divided on which church to attend.

    It’s not uncommon to find couples split down the middle on which church they should attend. One of them may, for instance, prefer a congregation inclined to liturgical worship while their partner may be sold out to charismatic worship. Couples may also differ along doctrinal lines where one partner may feel that the church preferred by the other is not doctrinally sound. How should couples proceed when pulled in opposite directions where church is concerned? 

    Here are six things to put to mind as you both ferret for a solution:

    1. Marriage Should Exude Unity

    The scriptures teach that after marriage, a man and his wife are no longer two individuals but one flesh. God then issues a warning—no one should separate those He has joined together. Unity is one of the distinctive marks of marriage. In fact, it can be said to be the foundation of marriage since the essence of marriage is leaving and cleaving. 

    And whilst two cannot walk together unless they are agreed, those in marriage have already decided to walk together. Seeing them walk separate ways when it comes to church attendance therefore goes against the grain. It’s like hearing a bird buzzing like a bee instead of chirping away. It’s simply not expected. 

    Paul referred to the Corinthian church as letters of recommendation written in his heart, to be known and read by all (2 Corinthians 3:2, ESV). Whether we realize it or not, people are scrutinizing our marriages. They yearn to see love, unity, respect, trust, godliness, fidelity, etc. They are rooting for our marriages, hoping and praying that we will weather every storm and come out triumphantly. 

    Besides that, God wants the light in our marriages to shine before men so that they will see our good works and glorify him in heaven (Mathew 5:16). Our marriages should be a pattern of good works. Failing to agree on a church does not bring glory to God and we should refrain from getting comfortable with such an arrangement. Furthermore, attending different churches gets very confusing for children as they get pulled in different directions. Do they attend mommy’s or daddy’s church? 

    2. Pray for Wisdom

    There is no confusion that godly wisdom cannot quell. God does not want His children to wobble around, drenched in confusion, unsure of which path to tread. He is the Good Shepherd who leads us in green pastures (Psalm 23). He sent His Son Jesus so that we could have life in abundance. He wants the best for us and our families and loves to see us thrive! James taught that if anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to them (James 1:5-6). 

    Wisdom is the ability to discern what is right and acceptable. The good news? God is generous with wisdom. If you and your spouse are finding it hard to agree on a church, seek God’s wisdom. Ask Him to lead you to the right church for your family. Remember that by wisdom a house is built, and through understanding, it is established (Proverbs 24:3).

    3. Settle on a Healthy Compromise

    For any marriage to succeed, spouses have to ditch selfishness and uphold their spouse’s needs above theirs. Philippians 2:3 implores us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, to value others above ourselves. God designed marriage as a place where Christ’s relationship with the Church would be demonstrated. That’s why Paul instructed wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and died for her (Ephesians 5:22-28). 

    When both of you have different opinions regarding the church to join, it’s time for both of you to cede ground for the good of the marriage. In fact, don’t wait for your spouse to be the first to relinquish their control. Believers are called to outdo each other in showing honor. Be the first to baffle him/her with your humility.   

    This could mean that the wife decides to settle for the church her husband is interested in, as an act of submission. This could also mean that the husband goes along with the wife’s church preference as a demonstration of his sacrificial love for her. Remember, yielding to another person’s will is not a sign of weakness but of strength and power. Jesus taught that whoever desires to become great shall first be a servant (Matthew 20:16). The way up is down. 

    4. Be Creative

    A little creativity will go a long way in helping you and your spouse settle on a church with neither of you feeling too aggrieved. Pastor Jay of the Gospel Obsessed suggests that since almost all churches record their services, you can always listen to your favorite preacher later on in the week. So you can agree to attend the church your spouse favors and still tune in to your church of choice online. That sounds like a double blessing!

    Both of you can also look for a church that caters to both of your preferences. For example, you can get a church that combines both traditional and contemporary worship styles. 

    5. Honor God First

    What do you do if your spouse wants you to join a cult? Should you tag along for unity’s sake? As believers, our first allegiance is to God. We should not disobey God to please our spouses. In Acts 5, Peter and the other apostles were prohibited by the high priest and the Sadducees from teaching in the name of Jesus and spreading His doctrine. They didn’t mince their words on this matter. “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).

    We too ought to obey God rather than our spouses. We have a right to differ when they implore us to be part of churches that dishonor God. We are first accountable to God before any human being. 

    6. Seek Godly Counsel

    A Christian counselor can help you and your spouse navigate this challenge. Christian counselors combine clinical practice approaches with religious or spiritual principles to help believers maneuver various life issues. You can also seek counsel from an older Christian couple that you trust. King Solomon observed that where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/People Images

    Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.

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  • What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

    What to Do with Your Cheating Husband

    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Currently separated from my husband. I have intentions on remaining faithful and trying to work on our marriage. He has picked back up on bad habits, drinking, smoking weed, taking mushrooms, porn and sleeping around and staying in houses with other women. I’m hurt because I prayed and sought The Lord before getting married. . . Since knowing that he has been with other women, I’m ready to throw in towel, but it hurts because I love him and just want him to love me back. I’ve isolated myself and no one to really talk to this about. My family who are not saved always tell me I have problems and should not have married. His parents are believers but don’t encourage him to do what’s right in the sight of God. I’m very broken, can’t sleep without having bad dreams that me and my husband are done. I for sure thought God called us to be together. What should I do? We have 2 very young children together as well who ask about their father daily. – AH

    I’m doubly sorry because neither your family nor his has supplied the help you need. This lack of support makes your agony even harder to bear.

    Given all you’ve shared, I have three recommendations.

    1. Find a Church 

    Nobody can survive stressful times by fighting solo. This is particularly true when young children are in the picture, like in your situation. That’s why finding a Bible-believing church needs to be one of your top priorities. Seek a spiritual house where you can feel safe enough to join.

    See the word “enough” in the last sentence? I’m borrowing this principle from a famed British psychoanalyst, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the term of being a “good enough” mother. She doesn’t perfectly attune to her baby’s needs but is doing a good enough job, leaving the baby with only small amounts of frustration.

    This concept is helpful because, as I’m sure you know, you can search through all denominations and still, you won’t find a perfect church. Maybe the music is too contemporary or the distance makes it daunting to go regularly. But if that place preaches the Bible and the people there love the Lord then tolerate small frustrations and get planted there.

    Why?

    Because our faith in God—in His goodness, love, and power to see us through—needs regular boosters, but especially during hard times. Faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17). If ever there’s a time for you not to forsake the assembling of ourselves (Hebrews 10:25), it’s now, when you’re facing a trial. So, bulk up on sermons and the Word of God.

    Research also shows churchgoers tend to fare better in physical and mental health. Improved mental health might have something to do with the opportunity churchgoing creates in socializing with like-minded individuals. After all, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17); so, when you’re parched for love, hang around friends.

    Isn’t it interesting this Proverb doesn’t say a spouse loves at all times? It’s sad when our own spouse treats us as though we’re as valuable as a used tissue. But a true friend wouldn’t mind babysitting for you or listening to your distress.

    2. Trust God’s Grace

    Should you stay married when your spouse hasn’t respected your vows?

    If you believe God joined the two of you in marriage, you should fight for your relationship. “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9, NLT).

    But staying married is hard when your husband is gallivanting around. For one thing, unless he’s thoroughly repentant, it’s unwise to trust him with your heart.

    This is why you need to hear, for yourself, what the Almighty decrees about your situation. His view is what matters. Take His word over your family’s or even your husband’s behavior.

    Especially because you can always rely on God’s grace to do His ways. 

    For instance, if He instructs you to stay the course, He will also grant you the grace and supernatural love for your husband as you bear this unpleasant situation. (“Love bears all things,” Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7.) 

    If you feel God is leading you this way, ask for specific prayer points to pray for your husband to come to his senses. Pray for you too, so you can “stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13) as you continue to navigate through the hardship.

    One last word on this thread.

    If God called you to remain separated (at least for now), you could trust Him to deal with your man during the break. But brace yourself. Things could grow gloomier in the meantime. Whatever happens, though, you can trust Him to keep working on your husband.

    Discerning what God says is best done when you shut out the world. Even with young kids to care for, there are things you can do to plan a private retreat. Read the first bullet point in this article for helpful tips.

    3. IFS Therapy 

    Seeking God’s heart on the matter might be crucial, but teasing out His voice from our own can be complicated. Many have made the mistake and attributed to God what actually arose from their own souls. 

    I include myself in that number.

    This is why I also recommend Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. This unique therapy modality recognizes the many inner voices we hear as coming from different parts of our souls. Practicing IFS helps us distinguish these voices from the Almighty’s.

    But let me back up and explain. We’re made up of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). And just as our body consists of many parts, the same goes for our soul.

    To determine whether you’ve heard from parts of your soul, here is a quick test. Have you noticed these inner reactions following your husband’s misbehavior? 

    How could he do this?

    What should I do? File for divorce? 

    I thought God wanted us to be together. Shouldn’t we stick it out? But how, when my husband doesn’t give a flipping care?

    What should I tell the kids when they ask about their dad again?

    If you resonate with any of the above, that’s because you’ve heard some of your parts expressing themselves. 

    Validate them. Say something like: “I hear you. Thanks for sharing your opinion candidly with me. I don’t have all the answers, but God will help us get through this storm.” 

    Listening to our parts calms them down. 

    This is what it means to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). The stillness of your soul makes hearing God’s voice easier to do.

    So, after spending time listening to your parts and their concerns about your husband’s hurtful behavior, invite God into the conversation. Listen to the Lord. The One who is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) will say something soothing to you, while also steering you to the right path.

    It’s easier for someone who’s trained in the model to guide you with IFS. That’s why I recommend investing in your own emotional welfare by hiring an IFS therapist. Head to the IFS Institute website to find an IFS therapist near you.

    But if you don’t feel comfortable with IFS, that’s fine. Find a competent therapist who is clinically skilled and won’t undermine your worldview. (Some therapists, on hearing about your husband’s indiscretions, might quickly advise you to leave him—without hearing the other parts of you that might want to stay.) 

    If you want a therapist who shares your faith, check out Focus on the Family for a list of Christian therapists.

    May God’s will be done in your life—as well as your husband’s—as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Engin Akyurt

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Six Prayers for Estranged Family Members

    Six Prayers for Estranged Family Members

    Whether it’s due to a tragic event or years of pent-up hurt and unforgiveness, many of us have family members who are estranged from one another. That sibling who hasn’t spoken to you in years. That parent you haven’t wanted to reach out to. That uncle you need to avoid for your own health. 

    This can be a wrestle, emotionally and spiritually. It hurts when family members stop speaking to one another. We all want the happy family dreams we see on our screens. We all want unity and family memories, family celebrations, etc. But so often, reality does not quite measure up to the fantasy. 

    This is even more complicated when your family members begin to feel like enemies when they are out to slander you or cut you off relationally. This brings up so much heartache and pain. 

    While boundaries with those toxic family members are healthy and good, one way we can continue to love our estranged family members while remaining separated from them is through prayer.

    But let’s be honest – when family-drama emotions are heightened, or anger is ignited when it all feels deeply unfair and hurtful – you might not know how to pray. This is when we can turn to the scriptures to find wisdom. 

    Psalm 41, in fact, a song by King David, was written about a season when David’s enemies were rising against him. He cries out to God for comfort in his distress and speaks honestly and openly about the pain of being attacked by a close community.  Though he was not necessarily writing about estranged family members, it’s a very relatable passage of scripture. 

    Here are six ways to pray for your estranged family members from Psalm 41. 

    1. God, bless my family member and their loved ones. Deliver them when they are in trouble. God, protect and preserve them; count them among the blessed. 

    “Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in their times of trouble. The Lord protects and preserves them—they are counted among the blessed in the land…”- Psalm 41: 1, 2

    2. Lord, sustain them when they are sick, restore them when they are ill. 
    “The Lord sustains them on their sickbeds and restores them from their bed of illness. – Psalm 41: 3 

    3. Jesus, have mercy on us both and stop any false accusations or slander that is destroying our relationship. 
    “I said, “Have mercy on me, Lord; heal me, for I have sinned against you.  My enemies say of me in malice, “When will he die and his name perish?” When one of them comes to see me, he speaks falsely while his heart gathers slander;
    then he goes out and spreads it around. – Psalm 41: 4-6

    4. God, I am deeply sad and angry that they have turned against me. Heal my heart and theirs. Bring our relationship to full restoration if that is your will. 
    “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned[ against me. But may you have mercy on me, Lord; raise me up, that I may repay them. – Psalm 41: 9,10

    5. In the meantime, the Spirit of God transforms them (and me) into people of integrity. Uphold and set us all in your presence forever, even though we are not currently in each other’s presence. 
    “Because of my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.”- Psalm 41: 12

    6. I praise you, oh God, your love is everlasting, even when human love fails.
    “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen.” – Psalm 41: 13

    What you’ll be surprised to discover, as you pray this Psalm over your estranged family member(s), is this – though the relationship might not change or be reconciled, your heart will soften and be transformed. 

    God will meet you in the frustration of it all and invite you into a newer, deeper family relationship with him. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Pheelings Media

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of The Common Good on AM1160 in Chicago. You can preorder her upcoming children’s book, Big Feeling Days: A Book About Hard Things, Heavy Emotions, and Jesus’ Love, and find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • 5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

    5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

    Grandparents are supposed to be kid experts. We’ve raised our own children and by now should be seasoned and mellowed-out enough to roll with the ups and downs of our grandkids’ lives. Those of us with new grandbabies harbor visions of becoming the perfect, loved-more-than-anybody-else Mimi, or Lolli, or Pops, or whatever cute name we’ve decided to be called.

    Then the pre-teen and teen years come along and our bubble bursts. Oh, our grandchildren still love us bunches—and we still can’t believe the overwhelming love we hold for them—but their struggling hormones make them difficult to live with at home and even at our house.

    We want to carry on rational, adult conversations with them, yet sometimes struggle with what to say. And sometimes we fail to say the right things and we know it.

    To help identify quagmires, what types of conversations should we definitely avoid?

    1. Insulting words about their parents

    Lighthearted stories about the antics and pranks of your own children can be entertaining for your grandchildren. These are fine, and even lend a sense of pride at being old enough to hear them along with learning family lore. But if you still feel unhappy or sad about the behavior of one of your grandchild’s parents, she doesn’t need to know—unless she expresses the same emotion first in a conversation.

    Even then, she needs your guidance to navigate toward an effective and positive way of dealing with her feelings. It’s not your place to confide in your grandchildren about the failures of their parents.

    Another sticky area is when our grandchild’s parents are divorced. No matter how the custody is arranged, and no matter how dysfunctional we might think our kid’s ex-spouse is, the child does not need to hear it from us. They love Mom and Dad and are trying to work out their own thoughts.

    We don’t have to praise that parent, but it’s important to speak carefully when the subject comes up. In our case, we simply choose to keep busy with other topics—there is plenty of activity in our grandson’s life to talk about. When he mentions the other parent, we listen, comment in a way that lets him know we heard and value his words, and then move on to another subject.

    2. Stories about how much worse you had it as a kid

    You know how these stories go. “I had to walk two miles in the snow to school every day—uphill both ways!” Or, “We never got to wear pants to school, even though I walked three blocks to the bus stop in sub-freezing weather.” And then there is this one, “We only had one family car, and everybody shared it. I never had my own car.” Actually, the last two examples were from my personal experience.

    While it might be okay to tell these stories, they should never be used to make a child feel as if she is taking things for granted or like her feelings aren’t valid. Maybe she is being ungrateful but helping her identify her blessings might be a better way to approach the subject.

    While you may think you had a really tough life as a young person, your difficulties didn’t seem any worse to you than your grandkids’ do to them. Yes, they have different problems, but that doesn’t make theirs less painful.

    The grandparent who constantly tells stories to “one-up” their grandchild runs the risk of never being taken seriously, or worse, being viewed as an old, out-of-touch person who doesn’t understand modern life—and is therefore irrelevant.

    3. Negative bias about the younger generation

    I used to hear this from an elderly aunt every time our family visited her. She was convinced the reason for the increased crime rate in her city—and the unemployment rate, and every other social ill—was teenagers and their bad behavior.

    Admittedly, teen gangs were becoming a problem at that time, but the reasons for the rise in gang activity were, and still are, complex. All her problems were not due to teenagers!

    A doomsday view of society is not only unhelpful but can frighten our grandchildren. Placing blame on a particular generation merely perpetuates stereotypes. It doesn’t solve any problems. Do we have issues facing us today that were unheard of in our youth? Certainly. This is always going to be true, regardless of the decade.

    Unfortunately, a downward spiral of society is the natural trend of mankind apart from the intervention of God. So, if there is any blame, maybe we should look at ourselves to see how often we pray for a spiritual awakening, and how open we are to the Holy Spirit working in our lives.

    A great conversation to have with our grandchildren might be about finding ways to make a difference in their world. Do you know of any kids who are doing something special? Can you brainstorm with your grandkids possible options for them?

    Maybe offer to take the oldest on a mission trip with you to work with children in a third-world country. Such an experience can change a teenager’s life and possibly their career choice. And it can make the problems at home seem less daunting for both of you.

    I know of one family whose son became interested in local politics. He began writing letters to the editor of the newspaper, and eventually wrote articles they printed. He’s in college now preparing for a future in policy making. He was encouraged by his parents and grandparents to help change what he saw as problems.

    I would have benefitted from my aunt’s concerns if she had encouraged me to volunteer serving meals at a homeless ministry instead of listening to her berate those homeless people for daring to sleep on her street.

    4. Condemning all electronics and social media as evil

    Different families allow differing amounts and types of screen time for their children. It’s important that as grandparents, we don’t criticize the rules our grandkids have at home. We might think they spend too much time on their phones at home, and they might bring them to our house. But we can set our own rules.

    Banning cell phones from the dinner table and limiting other screen time is reasonable, and can be discussed without condemning the devices.

    Refusing to acknowledge the reality a child lives in, and limiting conversation about it to negative comments, only serves to drive him away. He won’t want to go to Nanny and Papa’s house if all they do is nag him about putting away his phone.

    There are plenty of activities in which to engage with your grandchildren that keep them moving and thinking and talking. Be creative in discovering things you can do together. This will naturally lead to less screen time.

    But if a child wants to talk about a video game she plays, make an effort to educate yourself about that game so you can talk intelligently about it. And when a rainy day comes along, enjoy a movie or play a video game together. You can even text silly memes across the room to each other.

    Relax, Grandma. The world won’t end if you join Snapchat with your grandchildren. It might even help you keep up with their lives.

    5. Any comment that degrades their worth 

    Sometimes, the birth of a grandchild doesn’t happen in happy circumstances. Many different issues might be the reason, but the result is a child who bears no responsibility for any of them. And any associated drama can spill over onto this precious one. So let’s be conscious of our words so we don’t add to it.

    The child might act out his frustrations in behavior that grabs our attention. This does make our lives more difficult. But we need to remember that bad behavior does not equal a bad child.  Separating the behavior from our emotions helps us deal with it appropriately. Then we can express our love more easily—because unconditional love is what we as grandparents need to offer.

    Many grandparents even gain custody of their grandkids in order to give them the best chance at a hopeful future. If this is you, please know you are my heroes. But your stress level may be extremely high. That’s when it’s easy to let it slip just how hard life is because of the child.

    And we all know that pre-teen and teenage kids are simply a pain sometimes because of their tumultuous hormones and chaotic social lives. Life is more challenging with these kids than with younger ones.

    However, these years also present opportunities for fun along with meaningful experiences. Attending any event your grandchild participates in means more to them than they may ever express. And some of the best conversations that build lasting relationships and trust can happen late at night when your grandchild sleeps over.

    These categories are all negative in tone, and that’s why we should avoid them. While we shouldn’t shy away from difficult subjects, we need to keep our tone positive.

    Every topic can have an upside, and we need to help our grandkids find it. They are bombarded daily with negativity, but we can point them toward the bright view.

    After all, Philippians 4:8 tells us to think pure, noble, lovely, and virtuous thoughts. Surely that means to talk in the same manner—to everyone, not just our grandchildren.

    Kathryn Graves, author of the book Fashioned by God, is a style expert, fashion coach, and Premier Designs jewelry consultant. She is also a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher. Kathryn helps women discover the source of real beauty in Jesus, freeing them to gain confidence in their personal styles. She is Mimi to three grandsons, and loves to play with color, both in fashion and interior design, and painting with pastels.

    Photo courtesy: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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  • What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

    What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

    Many married American couples envision their marriage bed as a sacred space. It is a place where you can dependably reconnect at the end of the day.

    If it’s not with some conversation, it is just by being snuggled up in the same cozy space as you both drift off to sleep. It’s a place you commit to returning to together no matter how the day went.

    For many, leaving the bed to sleep elsewhere can be a sign of anger, separation, and can undermine your feeling of connectivity in your relationship. Sleeping apart from one another can be seen as the first step taken away from one another when your marriage is facing tension.

    But sometimes, couples just have to because of their life situations.

    Why do we see a growing number of couples opting to sleep in separate beds and sometimes also opting to sleep in separate rooms? According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.

    Is sleeping in separate spaces a sign of a relational break or just a pragmatic decision for more individual comfort? Let’s explore the potential consequences of this growing trend.

    What Is Sleep Divorce?

    While the term sleep divorce sounds a little dramatic, the reality is that the term is just referring to a decision some couples make to sleep in separate spaces for the sake of better rest.

    While the trend is growing in popularity now, it is not a new idea. As recent as the 1960’s couples sleeping in separate beds or places was fairly common.

    Over the past 50 plus years sleeping in the same bed became the norm for married couples but researchers are finding that up to 25% of married couples are choosing different arrangements.

    Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Divorce?

    Sleep divorce may be prompted due to a couple’s differering schedule or inability to rest well in the same bed with your spouse.

    I know firsthand that there are seasons where separated sleep is necessary due to circumstances outside potential marital conflict.

    When we brought each of our babies home there were times when we had to sleep separately in order to facilitate better sleep for each other. I would take the first part of the night with the baby and then sometime in the early hours, my husband would come back upstairs to our room to take the baby downstairs to rest so I had at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

    That was a gracious gift as my Momma body could not fully rest with our loud grunting little nuggets right beside me.

    Some couples may be in a situation where they work opposite schedules. This can make sleeping at the same time in the same bed impossible.

    Many others report factors such as loud snoring, disagreements about lighting, temperature preferences, and other disagreements about comfortable sleeping preferences have led them to opt for separate beds and/or separate rooms.

    Couples select to separate at night for a variety of reasons ranging from practical concerns such as opposite schedules; to those who separate because they cannot agree to be in the same space together any longer.

    Is Sleep Divorce Biblical?

    Sleeping arrangements are mostly a cultural construct and the ways we have chosen to sleep in our homes have changed tremendously over the years due to a necessity or cultural norms of the time.

    The Bible doesn’t offer specific instructions on things like where we should sleep when we are married but it does give us a lot of other advice for our marriages that we can draw on to help us navigate these sorts of decisions.

    Ephesians 5 outlines many principles that can guide us in our marriages. It advises that we keep away from any sexual immorality, that we show each other love and respect, that we cherish one another, and that we serve each other. Let these be the standards that you judge your decisions by.

    All of our decisions should be born of a desire to love one another as Christ would.

    That means if sleeping together, even if it means less than stellar sleep, can be important to showing one another love. On the other hand, giving each other the freedom to rest without interruption can be an amazing gift of service and love to your spouse (particularly if you have a newborn).

    Let love and open communication guide you and you can’t go wrong.

    Before You Decide, Check Your Motives

    Is choosing to opt for a so-called “sleep divorce” bad for your marriage?

    Honestly, this is a hard question to answer because relationship and family circumstances vary so greatly!

    Many couples are making these kinds of choices for purely practical reasons such as taking turns tending to a newborn or working opposite shifts, while for others the decision to separate at night may be a worrisome signal that things are decaying in your relationship. 

    Determining the line between “I need to sleep alone for the sake of getting better rest” and “I don’t want to be in the same space as you” can get fuzzy.

    When dealing with circumstances that lead to the need to rest separately, clear communication and intentional times of connection have to be even more of a priority because you are missing out on a built-in time of shared space that a common bed allows for. 

    Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein, who practices matrimonial and family law, said that “couples that choose to sleep separately but don’t have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce.”

    She makes the point that there can be many practical reasons as to why separate sleeping arrangements may be beneficial but if we are not clear in our communication with one another as to why we are making these types of decisions this can be one step closer to separation or divorce.

    The bottom line is that the decision to sleep separately is one that should not be taken lightly.

    If there is a real need for this arrangement, communication with one another surrounding this decision is very important to make sure that it is not a choice to step away from your commitment to your marriage.

    Every step we take away from our spouses, be it physically or emotionally, has the potential for negative long-term consequences. Wisdom invites us to weigh these types of decisions carefully.

    How to Keep a Healthy Marriage While Sleeping Separately

    If you are in a season of life where it feels impossible or disruptive to each other’s rest to sleep in the same bed there are a few ways to make sure you get through this season well.

    1. Identify the sleep issue and determine the best way to remedy it.

    For example, if opposite schedules mean you can’t go to bed together, then identify ways you are going to take time to rest together. There is something special about spending time resting together.

    While many think best sleep comes alone, there is research that shows that sharing a bed actually leads to better sleep. Potential benefits include falling to sleep faster, lowered blood pressure, a boosted immune system, helps curb anxiety, and even can slow down aging!

    If you are trading off dealing with children, one suggestion would be to do this switch during the week but reserve the weekends to still sleep in the same bed together. Another idea is to spend time together in bed catching up and snuggling before separating to your posts to get some rest.

    If separating is due to snoring, a health concern, or another issue, make sure you are thorough in discussing how to make sure you both know that the decision to sleep separately is not a decision to live separately.

    While it is easy to see the practical need for rest it is important to care and nurture each other’s feelings.

    Find ways to express your desire to remain near one another in life even if your circumstances prohibit being together in the night hours.

    2. Revisit your sleep arrangements frequently.

    No decision like this should be permanent. Just because something works well or is necessary for one season does not mean it is good for all seasons.

    Choosing to come back together to the same bed, even if it means lost sleep, is 100% worth it if it is going to bring your marriage closer together again.

    We sacrifice sleep for so many other causes: our children, video games, binge-watching TV, and even work. It is reasonable to expect to have to sacrifice some sleep for the sake of your marriage.

    Be wary of a temporary season of sleep separation becoming permanent. This could be a sign of a growing disconnect in your relationship.

    Once that baby is sleeping then you should return to sleeping in your same bed or at least should be talking about what new arrangement would work best for both of you.

    When your situation changes, it is important not to ignore the conversation around sleep arrangements. This can lead to resentment and false assumptions being made by each of you.

    3. Be mindful of how your sex life is affected by your sleep arrangements.

    One very practical reason to sleep in the same bed is that you are in the same place at the same time alone, giving you the chance to be intimate with one another.

    If I just fall asleep on the couch before going to bed, there is a much lower chance I am going to be up for getting intimate with my husband. If you are parents, practically you need the late hours of the night to be able to have the privacy required to have intercourse.

    Separate beds or separate rooms can become barriers to having access to one another sexually.

    This of course does not have to be the case. If you are mindful of each other’s needs and make it a point to be available to one another at other times of the day or are willing to travel across beds or even rooms to be intimate, then it is possible to keep a thriving sex life under this arrangement.

    Nonetheless, we know that a sexless marriage can be one factor that leads to divorce. Keep tabs on if your sleeping arrangement is affecting your sex life is a good way to determine if something is amiss in your relationship.

    Loving your spouse well often means sacrifice.

    Depending on your circumstances that sacrifice may look like buying ear plugs so you can remain close in the night to your chainsaw snoring spouse. It can also look like giving up your side of the bed so your baby and Momma have a safe space to rest together during those harrowing early months of life.

    If we want our marriages to thrive we have to be careful to be taking steps closer to one another, showing each other love and consideration in our every decision.

    Let that be your guide on how you navigate rest as you share your lives with one another.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

    Amanda Idleman

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  • Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

    Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

    I saw the trailer for Mean Girls being promoted. Twenty years after its original release, it is now a musical adaptation promising to be a production extravaganza with easy-to-remember tunes and spectacular choreography. It got me thinking that we do have a fascination with mean girls, the popular bullies who make life miserable for others.

    People have contradicting feelings toward mean girls. Just think of the Mean Girls movie set on a campus. The stereotypical mean girls are the cheerleaders, walking around in their cute uniforms. They are the high school’s team spirit generators. Many admire them, but many hate them too. They are admired because they usually are good-looking. They have the power to get what they want and even influence some administrators. But they also make life difficult for the underdogs.  

    In a 2018 article she wrote in Psychology Today, Katie Hurley said, “The ‘mean girl’ narrative is so ingrained in our culture that many consider it a ‘rite of passage’ of sorts when it comes to surviving girlhood.” That means one must grin and bear the existence of and maltreatment by these power-tripping girls and pray they get out alive! And if you suffer from poor mental health from constant bullying, well, you can seek treatment to “get over it.”

    Kirsten was the guest speaker at a women’s event. She admitted to exhibiting mean girl behavior in the past. She said, “I created pain in others!” This aggression resulted from losing her mom when she was only 12. Unable to properly process her grief from her loss, and without a mother to guide her to womanhood, she started watching how other young girls and women behaved. Her young mind was impressed by the beautiful, popular, mean girls at school. They got the best of everything and everyone. She decided that becoming one of them was her key to happiness. No one needed to know that she was in pain. She would cause the pain!

    “There’s a complex web of insecurity, anxiety, and conditioned attitudes that underlies the mean girl stereotype,” a Newport Academy article said. This means the power-tripping mean girl is basically like any other teenager—an immature individual going through self-esteem issues. There’s a lot of growing up and navigation happening within this person’s body, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. And left to her own whims and fantasies, she can choose to be part of the “queen bee” group and make life a living nightmare for someone else to mask her own difficulties. 

    The Mean Girls of the Bible

    As Solomon says, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Mean girls have been in existence for thousands of years. Some of them have grown into women, yet never learned to shed their ugly behavior to do the right thing. Let’s look at some of them.

    “Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty-two years. And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him. And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. He erected an altar for Baal in the house of Baal, which he built in Samaria. And Ahab made an Asherah. Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel before him” (1 Kings 16:29-33). 

    Here’s Ahab, who was influenced by his wife, Jezebel, to turn away from the One True God of Israel to become an idolater. Knowing how much God hated graven images and their worship, Ahab provoked his own King.

    Enter Elijah, God’s prophet, who came to Ahab to let him know that God spoke of a drought. During the dry years and while Elijah was away, Jezebel had killed most of God’s prophets except for the 100 hidden away by Obadiah (a man who feared the Lord and oversaw Ahab’s household) in caves.

    In the third year of the drought, there was an “accidental” meeting between Obadiah and Elijah. Elijah, again, was bringing the Word of God to Ahab. This was the message: “You have abandoned the commandments of the Lord and followed the Baals. Now therefore send and gather all Israel to me at Mount Carmel, and the 450 prophets of Baal and the 400 prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table” (1 Kings 18:18-19). 

    God made it known who He was and that Elijah was His mouthpiece through a miraculous battle. And all the prophets of Baal were slaughtered by Elijah:

    “Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, ‘So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.’ Then [Elijah] was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life…” (1 Kings 19:1-3). 

    Perhaps cowering in fear of Jezebel’s wrath, Ahab decided that it was best to break the bad news of the slaying of Baal’s prophets to his mean-spirited wife to stir up her anger. Then, there’s Elijah who allowed a bully’s message to extinguish the fire of God’s victory. He succumbed to becoming a mean girl’s emotional and mental hostage.

    Then there’s Herodias and her daughter’s story. They used their influence to send someone to die.

    “For Herod had seized John and bound him and put him in prison for the sake of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife, because John had been saying to him, ‘It is not lawful for you to have her.’ And though he wanted to put him to death, he feared the people, because they held him to be a prophet. But when Herod’s birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company and pleased Herod, so that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, ‘Give me the head of John the Baptist here on a platter.’ And the king was sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he commanded it to be given. He sent had John beheaded in prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.” Matthew 14:3-11

    An adulterous relationship was confronted by John and the involved parties didn’t like the message. The mean girls’ team of mother and daughter worked together to execute a perfect death plan. “Off with John’s head!” was the special request to the king. And then there was no more voice of righteousness to convict Herod and Herodias of their affair.

    Evil Begets Evil!

    Why is it so important to be the top dog? Kirsten, the guest speaker, said she used to scope out the room to find the current reigning “queen” and strategically planned her fall. Kirsten needed to be the alpha female and did everything in her power to make it happen!

    A mean girl’s desire to control everything begins when her life is in chaos! Jezebel’s prophets of Baal were dead, and she needed to punish Elijah for this. Herodias didn’t want to be reminded of her sin, so she needed to remove John from the picture. James said, “Sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (1:15).

    Let’s wake up and see the truth! Mean girls are not worth emulating, even if they are portrayed as the popular people in society and are sometimes celebrated on TV, film, and social media! Mean girl motivations are wrong, and they need to be corrected before they destroy others. Just think of the influence of Jezebel to her husband and Herodias to her daughter. Not good at all! 

    The Apostle Paul said, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful to even speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’” (Ephesians 5:11-14).

    In the end, mean girls will also destroy themselves. Just watch the ending of the Mean Girls movie, if you get the chance. The Apostle Paul encourages us to “look carefully then how [we] walk, not as unwise but as wise!” while there is still time (Ephesians 5:15).

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

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  • 6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

    6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

    Jesus said the greatest command is to love God, but the second greatest command is to love people. I will admit that sometimes loving people seems like a much bigger challenge than loving God. Yet we are commanded throughout the Bible to love people. So to help you, I want to share six principles that will help you do this.

    The reason God can command every believer to love is because he loved us first. This truth alone removes every excuse you could possibly give for not loving other people. Any reason you want to bring as evidence why you should not love someone gets overturned by the truth that God loved you first.

    God did not love you when you were good or had everything together. He loved you when you were engaged in your sin, at your worst, when you weren’t even thinking about him. If he can love you when you were at your lowest moments, then surely you can show that same kind of love to other people.

    2. Love Is Not an Emotional Response, It Is a Decision of the Will

    While there are emotional aspects of love, the root of love has nothing to do with emotions. The truth is we don’t feel to love, we will to love. If love was based on our feelings or emotions, then love would be unstable, unsteady, and unpredictable. Your love would change from day to day and moment to moment just as your emotions do.

    Since love is based on your will, that means whether you love someone is a matter of choice. Choosing to love is intentional. That also means choosing not to love is intentional too. We all have people in our lives who are easier to love than others, but the command does not change. When you think of the most difficult person in your life to love, remember that God loved you first. Remembering that truth will help you to choose to love that person.

    3. Choosing Not to Love Is a Form of Self-Righteousness  

    One of the most challenging groups of people to love are those who have hurt you. However, the Bible does not add being hurt by someone as a reason for not loving them. Jesus said it plainly in Matthew:

    “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’” (Matthew 5:43-44).

    When someone has hurt you, it is possible you will use that hurt as a reason to justify why you won’t love them. Here’s the problem: You don’t understand what you are really saying. When you choose not to love someone, you are saying they are not worthy of your love or they don’t deserve your love.

    Could there be a more self-righteous statement than that?

    Consider all the times we have hurt God by our sin and disobedience. We don’t deserve his love, but he still gives it anyway. He gives it not because we deserve it but because we need it. In the same way, we don’t love people because they deserve it. We love them because we have been recipients of God’s great and underserved love. So, the same manner you have received love should be the same manner in which you give love.

    4. Love Does Not Mean You Like the Person or That You Will Get Along with That Person

    Sometimes we think to love someone means we must maintain a close relationship with them. This is not always true. Sometimes there may be personality clashes or people you don’t get along with very well. These can be friends or even some family members. In these cases, sometimes it only makes sense to not be too close to them. However, that does not mean you cannot love them. It just means you may have to do it from a distance.

    Corinthians tells us love is patient, kind, not jealous or rude. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You may not like or agree with a person, but you can still be kind, patient, and not rude. You can care about their well-being and not keep a record of their wrong doings. Let’s not forget you can also pray for them. Notice you pray for them not against them.

    There is one person in my life who is more difficult for me to love than others. Something about his personality and the way he has treated me and other people rubs me the wrong way. However, this does not give me license not to love him. I can still be kind, patient, not rude if I ever encounter him. I may keep my distance, but I can still love him. If I choose not to love him, I am saying he is not worthy of my love, which is a form of self-righteousness, and that is sin.

    One caveat: If you are married, then this principle will apply differently. The main difference is you have made a commitment to your spouse to be with them until death do you part. That covenant requires you to work out any potential differences you and your spouse may have.

    5. Love Does Not Mean Blanket Acceptance

    The world has a misguided view of love. It often defines love as acceptance. According to the world, the evidence you love the person is you love their behavior, their lifestyle, and everything about them. That is not true. Love means you love the person. It does not require you to love their behavior. God loved us while we were sinners, but he did not and does not love the sins we commit.

    There may be people in your life who are engaged in sinful lifestyles you don’t approve of. That does not give you permission to be self-righteous and judgmental. But, we must continue to love the person the same way God still loves sinners today. The challenge we have is separating the behavior from the person. We often tie them together and we often see their sin and define them by their sin.

    This is why God’s love is so different. He looks at our sinful condition and sees our need. Sometimes as Christians we can be quick to judge and when that happens, we lose our compassion. All we see is their sin and we don’t see their need to be set free from that sin.

    When Jesus walked the earth, he had this habit of sitting and eating with sinners. Never once did he accept their sinful lifestyle, condone their sin, or engage in it. However, he knew that they were lost without him, so he had to attempt to reach them. After all, that is why he came. 

    Let’s make sure we are loving sinners and recognizing that loving the sinner does not mean we must love and accept their sin. As we love them, the hope is they would experience the love of God and recognize he wants to call them out of their sin and into a new life in Christ.

    6. Loving Like Jesus Requires Courage

    “Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers)” (Mark 2:15, NLT).

    Tax collectors were among the worst sinners at that time, and people hated them. Yet we find Jesus in Levi’s home with other tax collectors and disreputable sinners sitting down and having a meal. Here is how the Pharisees responded.

    “But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does he eat with such scum?’” (Mark 2:16, NLT).

    If there was social media back then, I am sure this image of Jesus eating with sinners would have gone viral. A Pharisee would have posted this with a caption, Jesus eats with scum or Jesus seen with devious tax collectors and other horrible sinners.

    Jesus knew he would get backlash from the religious leaders, yet he did it anyway. That’s because love takes courage. If you are going to love like Jesus, you will need some courage too. Loving people, especially sinners and those we self-righteously deem as unworthy of our love, is about building bridges. When you seek to do this, sometimes the ones who won’t like the bridge you are trying to build are those in the church. But build them anyway because we have a responsibility to reach those who are lost with the gospel and to go after sheep who may have wandered away. This is going to take courage, but remember if we don’t do it, nobody else will.

    Final Thought

    As you go forward and you choose to love people I will leave you with one thought that sums up why we need to be people who love others.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/carles miro

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, and co-founder of The Bible Study Club.  He is the author of The Pursuit of Purpose which will help you understand how God leads you into his will. His most recent book is The Pursuit of Victory: How To Conquer Your Greatest Challenges and Win In Your Christian Life. This book will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can live a victorious Christian life and finally become the man or woman of God that you truly desire to be. Clarence is also committed to helping 10,000 people learn how to study the Bible and has just released his first Bible study course called Bible Study Basics. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com. 

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • 5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

    5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

    Have you ever wondered why God created grandparents? For most of us, we couldn’t imagine our lives without them.

    I know I can’t! I was lucky enough to have not just a grandmother, but a great-grandmother too. My grandfathers had passed on before my birth, but we do not forget their lives and legacies.

    God created everything for a purpose, and that didn’t get lost on grandparents. Let’s explore five reasons God created grandparents. 

    1. Grandparents Never Stop Being Parents

    My parents often remind me that I am their little girl. I even tell my own children, they will always be my babies. It does not matter how big they get or what job they have; we are still their parents. This thought overflows from the generation before us. 

    My granny had three children and there were countless times I would hear her correcting them or giving instruction. I used to think it was funny to hear my granny speak to her grown children that way, but it makes perfect sense today. 

    Parenting is not an action you can turn on and off. Grandparents are no longer on the front lines of parenting, but they still have an important role to play. Whenever mom or dad needs advice, support, help, or a shoulder to cry on, they are there. Grandparents also have the unique ability to parent their grandchildren when mom or dad can’t. 

    2. Grandparents Hold the Family Together

    When I became a mother, my views on family became narrower. I often only considered what was happening in my home. My role was to keep my household running, and that often left me in the dark to what was happening in my extended family. Today, I find myself asking my mom or dad about extended family members.

    Grandparents no longer have the responsibility of raising their own children. They have entered a season of life that finds them keeping up with the happenings of the extended family. Often, I would hear my granny or grandma talk about aunts, uncles, and cousins that lived miles from me. They would relay the message when a baby was on the way, someone was graduating from high school, or there was a death in the family. 

    Without my grandparents, I wouldn’t know how my extended family was doing. My grandparents were the glue holding the pieces together. They were the cornerstone of our family. 

    In the Bible, they refer to Jesus as the cornerstone (Ephesians 2:19-20). A cornerstone was the most important part of a structure’s foundation. If the cornerstone failed, the entire building would fall. Without grandparents to keep us together, our families would fall. 

    Grandparents are the ones that keep up with everyone. They plan the family gatherings and check in with family members. As the cornerstone of the family, grandparents make sure that all family members have what they need, and know we love them.

    3. Grandparents Provide a Support System

    Having a support system is so important for any season of life. Personally, I found myself needing a support system when my son, Jackson, turned three. At that time, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and needed speech and occupational therapy. I had no idea what I was going to do with my husband working full time, and we had a two-year-old daughter. 

    While all this was happening, I learned granny would come to the rescue. She would go with me to therapy appointments and babysit our daughter. Granny always listened when I needed to vent and gave me some of the best advice on earth. 

    Grandparents provide their children and grandchildren with an irreplaceable support system. They can help watch children when mom and dad are working. They can help get the homework done before mom gets home to cook dinner. 

    Grandparents can be a sounding board for their grandchildren as well. Often, children will open up to their grandparents when they won’t with their parents. Children feel like grandma and grandpa will understand them and be less judgmental. I always felt like I could say anything to my grandma, and she would keep my secrets. 

    When grandparents are part of your support system, they greatly reduce the level of family stress. Emotional and behavioral issues in children are reduced and parents can rest easy knowing their children are being cared for when they are at work or handling other daily responsibilities.  

    4. Grandparents Deliver Wisdom to their Families

    Our grandparents know how hard life can be. They also know how much easier we have it now than they did as a child. The lessons they have learned in their lifetime can serve us well if we listen. 

    My daughter asked me several years ago where I learned to sew. I was working on a cross-stitch project, and she wanted to help. As I began teaching her how to thread a needle and begin making the cross-stitch, I was reminded of summers with granny. 

    Granny Annie would babysit me during the summer while mom and dad worked. She always brought her sewing projects to work on. One day I asked her the same question my daughter asked me. She handed me a needle and began teaching me to sew.  

    That wisdom from granny taught me how to mend holes in socks, shirts, and pants. Her lessons and stories made me appreciate the luxuries I had. They also taught me that hard work killed no one. 

    Grandparents deliver wisdom not only to their grandchildren, but their adult children. Anytime I have a problem, I go to mine or my husband’s parents. I know they have raised children and most likely dealt with whatever I am dealing with before. 

    Grandparents offer a special place to gain wisdom just as the Lord offers us the Holy Spirit to gain wisdom and knowledge. 

    5. Grandparents Pass on the Family Legacy

    Throughout the Bible, we can find verses that tell us God commanded His people to tell the next generation of His deeds. God knew how easily we forget what He has done for us. We need reminding, so God created grandparents. 

    Passing on a legacy is about helping those who came after you decide how they want to live their lives. Our grandparents pass on a family legacy by living a certain way and sharing the roots of their family. 

    My great-grandma was always telling us about her life as a young bride and new mother. She talked about giving birth at home before the midwife got there. She would tell us how she had to wash clothes, get food for the family, and help on the farm. My great-grandma has left a legacy of hard work and dedication to her family. 

    There is nothing more precious than the legacy grandparents leave with their family. Passing on stories of their childhood and sharing lessons they learned in life strengthens you. My granny Annie was a strong woman. She worked hard and loved everyone.

    What I remember the most about her was her ability to forgive. She never held a grudge and let bitterness affect her life. That is the life I want to live.

    My grandparents wanted us to always remember where we came from, just as God wants His children to remember what He brought them out of. 

    RELATED PODCAST: Check out this free, inspiring bedtime story for your grandkids!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Ashley Hooker is a freelance writer who spends her time homeschooling her two children, ministering alongside her husband as he pastors a rural church in West Virginia, and writing about her faith. Currently, she is a contributing author for Journey Christian magazine. She has taken part in mission trips with the NC Baptist Men during the devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Harvey in Mississippi and Texas. In her local church, she has served on various committees focusing in the area of evangelism along with traveling to West Virginia and Vermont to share the Gospel. Her dream is to spend her time writing and sharing the love of Christ with all she meets.

    Ashley Hooker

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  • How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

    How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

    My husband and I reluctantly entered the room with our new marriage counselor. We were both anxious about the upcoming conversations and hopeful that bringing an outsider into our relationship. The session started with a comprehensive family history, which revealed our parents had remained married, thankfully upping our chances of overcoming the issues that we faced in our union. Yes!

    Next, our counselor asked if we had experienced any major breaks in trust. He asked about sexual promiscuity, pornography, financial trust, affairs, and other lies that may have undermined the foundation of trust between us. We answered these questions honestly, revealing that none of these obvious violations had taken place between us. He cheerfully reported the odds of our success looked good! We left feeling encouraged. 

    We stayed faithful to our counseling sessions and made some progress toward healing. We soon felt we were doing well enough to step back from attending these sessions. Fast forward a few years, and the issues between us had grown. We felt more lost and hopeless in our relationship than ever before. 

    We have since resumed counseling a second time with a new therapist and have found the healing that had eluded us the first go around. In retrospect, I realized that the reason why the first time didn’t “take” for us is that the questions about trust overlooked one major area where trust is vital in marriage. Emotional trust had been lost between us. 

    I’d venture to say that one of the primary marriage killers is when emotional trust is broken. This can be harder to spot, understand, and manage because it’s much more subtle than the traditional big breaks we know bring marriages to an end. 

    It starts when we go to our partner with a need, a want, a failure, a desire, and we are rejected many times over. Eventually, what happens is we start building walls that keep us insulated from our spouse. We no longer trust each other with the important stuff. 

    Our Story 

    In our home, it got so bad that I was nervous to ask my husband to do small tasks, such as passing me a fork. I was worried that any request could be used against me, but I wouldn’t know until I asked for something more taxing, such as emotional support for the stress I was feeling as a mom. Then, the way I asked for a fork the day earlier would be ammunition as to why I was either chronically at fault, I was failing as a wife, and ultimately, as a reason not to show me love and support when I needed it. I would grow more hurt and distraught, confirming my husband’s feelings that I was “crazy,” too emotional, unreasonable, unsafe, and all around not worth it. 

    This kind of cycle of distrust, bitterness, disunity, and unhealthy communication grows unbearable over time. Though we were deeply committed to our marriage, the lack of emotional trust had corroded any goodwill that we were clinging to in our marriage. At the end of our 15th year of marriage, I told my husband with utter honesty that I no longer believed he loved me. He liked the idea of me; he appreciated my ability to run a house well, take care of our kids, and generally support him. Yet, me, as the one he declared to have and to hold until death, the one he nervously got on one knee to propose to, the one that he shared so many firsts with, that me he had lost sight of and only worked to guard himself against in the present moment. 

    Long story short, we were at a crisis point. Our commitment to marriage was about convenience, kids, and expediency. Emotional intimacy was a pipe dream that neither of us understood how to realize. 

    You, like me, are probably starting to feel hopeless. I was without hope. I asked my husband to leave because I honestly believed I was only making him miserable. His refusal to leave felt like more of a punishment than a commitment to love me. I was so burdened by the role of ‘failing wife’ that I wished for separation more than I hoped for change. But God. 

    God is the defining difference in being able to overcome a truly dark cycle of bitterness. Without our mutual, separate, yet unified decisions to give up all our own efforts and instead cry out to God to heal the things we could not change on our own, our marriage would still be on the fast track to destruction. We had done everything we could over the prior 15 years to manage our own broken tendencies, but the one thing we were unable to achieve on our own was true repentance and forgiveness.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages 

    The Steps Towards Repentance 

    This is the part of the story where wonder and mystery intersect with practical work and effort. God does this crazy thing where he changes us completely in ways we can’t quite quantify while also telling us to use wisdom to partner with his life-changing Spirit. We did the thing we knew to do, which was go back to counseling. My husband went a step further and found his own personal counselor and did some extra work on his own to discover where the tension and closed-offness had originated in his life. 

    Not all men are the same, but I know in our case, things had got so tense between us that he honestly could not hear me anymore. The more I worked to explain, the more disdain for me grew in his heart, and I could feel it. He needed someone else to talk to that he could trust, and that would feel safe for him to really explore all that he was struggling with. I believe his individual counseling from a Spirit-filled man helped lead him toward repentance. 

    In the meantime, all I could do was let go. I had to let go of a cloud of ugly words that had been exchanged between us. I had to ask God to allow me to forgive myself. I had been weaker, less able, meaner, more frail of a wife than I ever imagined I would be. The weight of guilt I felt for being anxious, depressed, needy, naggy, or whatever the word was that filled my head that day became crushing. 

    I needed God to help me to forgive my husband. He had not loved me well when I needed support. He had no idea how to let me into his life; he had never learned. From a young age he learned how to build strong emotional walls that kept him safe from sadness and all other unpleasant feelings. Then came a woman filled with empathy, looking for support. As soon as my emotions came out, his walls went up. It was a recipe for hurt that played out many times over fifteen years of marriage. Only Jesus has the power to re-write those kinds of broken stories. 

    I asked God to change the way I saw my husband. I wanted God’s eyes for this man I had committed to love. I still pray that he would help me see the things that sometimes bother me as a blessing. We are different, which sometimes makes being together tricky, but our differences don’t make us wrong; they just require us to be a little more patient sometimes. I had grown quite impatient with my husband. I started being more open with our village. We needed more than ourselves to climb out of this pit. I showed up at counseling again. I asked God to help him hear me and see me because that was the thing that had been lost between us over time.

    We also began praying together each night. 

    The Miracle

    Somewhere over the course of the last year, which happened to also be a very stressful year for us, God started changing us, and the reason I know repentance and forgiveness are covering us is that I can feel the fruits of the spirit at work between us again. I have peace while in the room with my husband again. I can trust that he will do all he can to be self-controlled when it comes to his reactions to my needs. Joy can be shared between us when we are alone together. These are the markers of a trustworthy change. Freedom from a dark cycle of painful interactions is rising up in our marriage! God is gracious. 

    The Takeaway 

    I share this first to let you know that if you and your spouse are in that dark corner of hopelessness for your marriage and you are safe from abuse, desiring to find a path towards repentance, God is able. 

    You have to be willing to give up your every right and let God give you his eyes of love for your spouse. There is no easy, painless road to repentance when years of discord have resulted in the place you are now. You have to confront the ugly and then patiently hand it over to Jesus. Trusting him to give you a new way of being. 

    Here is a reminder as your journey towards freedom in marriage is that we are not the Savior of our partner. An important step in my going to God was also giving the outcome to him. No part of me was able to change my husband to be the man I needed him to be. I knew if we could not get off our ugly roller coaster, one of us would have to get off alone at some point. I had to trust God if that was the outcome, too. 

    Marriage was not made to be a cage that traps us, but it’s a fireplace that keeps our passion, love, and families safe. Freedom from an unhealthy relationship can look like repentance, and sometimes it looks like separation. God is with us on either journey, and both are hard. Wherever you are I pray that God would do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine on your behalf (Ephesians 3:20). He is able!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards 

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

    Amanda Idleman

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  • What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

    What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

    There are those who daydream of ponies and picnics, and then there is me… dreaming of the ways I can take revenge on my enemies. 

    When we hear ‘revenge,’ we often think of slashing tires and egging houses, or worse. But revenge can be much simpler. Sometimes our success is ‘revenge.’ We dream of the day our enemy scrolls through social media to see our radical weight loss transformation or our beautiful European vacation. We can even “spiritualize” our revenge. We pick “good” goals in our lives to shame our enemies. But this revenge is just as sinister. And just as tempting. There is something about revenge… 

    What Does the Bible Say About Revenge?

    Every time I feel bent on revenge, I read Romans 12. Romans 12 is very anti-revenge, as you can imagine. Although there are plenty of Bible verses condemning our fantasies of revenge, Romans 12 lays it all out for us. Starting in verse 14 it reads, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” In verse 17, it continues, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.” 

    I could not have said it better myself, “Do not take revenge.” No arguing with that. Short and simple, straight to the point. But did you notice that the Scripture calls us “my dear friends”? In our dark moments when revenge feels so tempting, our pain is recognized in that sentiment. Often, those seeking revenge are seeking retribution for some kind of hurt or injustice. Although we are asked not to take revenge, we are simultaneously seen in our suffering. Do not see God’s command as a dismissal of whatever you may have gone through or experienced. God sees you and cares. In fact, He cares far too much to allow you to take revenge. He would rather handle that part for you. 

    Will They Just ‘Get Away with It’?

    It is difficult to let go of the idea of revenge because it can feel as though we let our enemy off the hook. But right after we are asked not to take revenge, we are reminded to “leave room for God’s wrath” (v 19). 

    Do not forget that we serve a God who cares about justice. He cares about our tears, our suffering, and our wounds. He will not stand idle. When we choose to take revenge into our own hands, we are actually taking from God. God is our avenger; leave space for His working hand. 

    Choosing self-control over revenge does not mean we have let someone get away with something. Rather, it shows our strength to trust in God to fight our battles. The rest of verse 19 says, “’It is mine to avenge; I will repay’, says the Lord.” Leave justice to God. 

    When God asks us to refrain from revenge, He is not excusing bad behavior on behalf of the other party. He is not minimizing your pain or the issue at hand. He is simply saying to leave room for Him. He will handle it, my dear friend. 

    What Do I Do Instead?

    Romans 12 continues to describe the anti-revenge plan to us in verse 20. It reads, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” 

    Romans gives us God’s alternative to revenge: kindness. Do not mistake kindness for weakness. Our deepest strength is displayed when we turn an evil situation into something good. We stop the evil that has been perpetrated against us in its tracks. We do not allow ourselves to be overcome by that evil. As Proverbs 25:20 says, when we choose kindness and generosity towards our enemies over revenge, God will reward us. 

    What Will God Do When I Choose Kindness Over Revenge?

    When we choose kindness over revenge, we acknowledge God as our protector. God cares about whatever you are going through, and He wants to defend and protect you. When you feel tempted to take matters into your own hands, remember these Scriptures that describe God as our ultimate shield and protector: 

    “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20

    “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me…” Psalm 28:7

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” 2 Samuel 22:3

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

    “As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

    “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

    “But You, O LORD, are a shield about me. My glory, and the One who lifts my head.” Psalm 3:3

    I love the imagery of God as my shield. He is there to take the arrows for me. He goes before me. He will sacrifice Himself for my protection. He is my Protector. When I desire revenge, I envision God as my shield, and I feel the space to be vulnerable and trust that He will keep me safe. 

    What’s in It for Me?

    Often, the sweet victory we imagine does not quite come. Revenge in our imagination can feel intoxicating. In practice, however, it can feel anticlimactic. Typically, revenge does not feel as good as we think it will feel. In fact, revenge only offers temporary relief at best. At worst, it makes us feel worse. 

    When reading Romans 12, we see that the best ‘revenge’ is kindness. Kindness from someone you have wounded can sting. But this is the type of sting that is transformative. Revenge multiplies wounds. Kindness opens opportunities. When we choose the road of kindness, we free ourselves from the spell of bitterness and we give our enemies the chance at redemption and reconciliation. We open the doors for mutual healing. And ultimately, we glorify God. 

    I believe God asks us to leave Him the role of avenger partly to protect us. He knows that vengeance delays healing. He is a much better dealer of justice than we are, anyway. When we choose God’s way, we no longer are shackled to the injustices committed against us. We get to display great strength of character. We get to see our enemies humbled by our kindness. And we get to build a deeper relationship with God. The deepening of this relationship will demonstrate God’s care for us in ways we have never seen before. 

    Next time you desire to take revenge, remember who is fighting for you. God wants to fight this battle for you. He wants to protect you. He wants to transform you in the process. Do not take away what is rightfully God’s, as He says, “It is mine to avenge, I will repay.” Revenge does not belong to us. God will watch over you. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/SIphotography

    Ryan Holland

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  • 6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

    6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

    Marriage is a beautiful covenant between two people who love each other. It is the best example on earth of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church. But humans, as we have seen in Genesis in the garden of Eden, can have difficulty in their relationships. Nothing is truer than difficulties in marriage. Marriage is hard work. Marriages have ups and downs, highs and lows. But sometimes marriages can feel as if they’ve reached their breaking point, with no hope of ever returning to the fruitful relationship God meant it to be. God wants us to put our very best into our marriages. No couple should consider divorce until they have gone through the counseling process. Although counseling still has a stigma among Christians as for being for people who have serious psychological problems or mental illnesses, counseling can be a great tool for even the most difficult marriages. Here are six reasons why counseling is the saving grace for her troublesome marriage:

    1. It helps process pain.

    Each couple brings baggage into their relationship. This includes emotional trauma, childhood wounds, and emotional voids that can only be filled with Christ. However, some people try to fill it with their spouse, believing that if they just love their spouse enough and their spouse loves them, they will fill the hole in their soul that can only be filled with Christ. A counselor can help each couple process their personal pain. They may also be able to draw connections between the issues in their past and their current relationship issues. If the dots between past pain and current marriage issues are connected properly, a counselor can help couples with tools and strategies for better communication and healing past pain so that they can interact with each other in positive, healthy ways.

    2. It gives hope in the future.

    When a marriage is at its worst, it is easy for couples to over-dramatize, believing their marriage is unsalvageable. As long as the marriage is rooted in Christ, anything is possible. Those couples who put their hope in God can also find hope for their future as married couples. If even one spouse remains hopeful that their marriage can be saved, both spouses can work together to take responsibility for their issues, correct their behaviors, and move forward with a positive outlook for their marriage. As long as both spouses vow they will not give up and commit to persevere, there is still hope their marriage can be saved. Even a marriage destroyed by adultery can still have hope for its future. With the power of forgiveness and through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, there is nothing a couple can’t endure with Christ at the center.

    3. You get a third party’s perspective.

    Jesus Christ acted as a mediator toward us in God. In every situation, we were not meant to be alone. It is always good to get another party’s perspective on an issue. When a couple is working through a difficult situation, each sees it through their own lens. A third party who is not invested in the issue can see it and give an unbiased opinion on what to do. The counselor can also help balance the scales when it comes to placing blame and each couple taking responsibility for their part in the issue. It is easy for couples to take the blame on the other and pretend it’s all the other person’s fault. Yet, they both have contributed to the marriage’s failure. Any marriage can be saved if a couple is willing to see the issue for what it is and pursue a resolution with humility and grace.

    4. Help with communication.

    Communication breakdown is one of the main issues in every marriage. When spouses cannot communicate with each other and trust is broken, they can be deceived into thinking it is easier to break up than it is to persevere. A counselor can give practical tips and strategies for each spouse to communicate and ways the other person can understand. A counselor will help each spouse communicate with each other in a way that makes the other feel heard, their feelings validated, and feel less blamed or attacked. When spouses can communicate in ways that communicate needs rather than attack the other’s character, trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.

    For example, a popular tool some counselors use is “I” statements. When couples fight, it is easy to make statements using the word you as the focus. One spouse may say, “you never help around the house,” which makes the other spouse feel like their efforts are not appreciated. The spouse can instead say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the work around the house,” communicating their need and a specific way without making the other feel like their efforts are not good enough. Further, the counselor can help understand the real need behind the statement. Is the problem just that the spouse one spouse does most of the household chores? Or is there a deeper emotional need that needs to be filled?

    5. Rebuild trust.

    Once trust is broken in a relationship, it is difficult to get back. And it doesn’t mean that it is impossible; a very good counselor can help give you homework and assignments to complete during your sessions. This may include having each person journal their feelings separately and then coming together to discuss them. The counselor may also give specific rules for communication as a way to stop the conversation if the statements become more attack and blame rather than communicating needs and desires.

    Every person wants to feel wanted by the other. But one spouse may keep the other at arm’s length if they feel they cannot trust them. By taking baby steps toward rebuilding trust, intimacy can be achieved in both spouses can achieve their need for connection and intimacy.

    6. Apply the Bible.

    Christian couples’ desires for Christ should be at the center of their marriage. However, both come from different denominational and theological backgrounds. Therefore, their interpretation of Scripture might be very different from each other. A third party, particularly a Christian counselor, can help them apply Scripture in a way that makes both the husband and wife feel needed, valued, and appreciated in their relationship. For example, it is common for couples to misinterpret or misapply the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. A counselor can help each part of the couple fulfill their biblical duties yet give their input into situations and feel their opinions are valued and appreciated. By allowing someone from a different theological background to help them interpret the Bible in a healthy way for their marriage, a counselor can help clear up any misconceptions and allow them to apply biblical principles yet still feel as though both parties are equal partners in their relationship.

    Counseling is an excellent strategy for spouses on the brink of divorce. However, counseling does not need to be saved for when the marriage is in crisis mode. If you are in constant conflict with your spouse and communicating less, it may be time to see a counselor. You can refrain from allowing small situations to explode into significant conflicts by nipping issues in the bud.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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