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Tag: Biden family

  • Why Commander Is No Longer His Master’s Dog

    Why Commander Is No Longer His Master’s Dog

    “Dog Bites Man,” in journalism lore, is a boring headline about a predictable event—a non-news story that should never be written, let alone read. But what if the dog in question belongs to the president of the United States? And what if the president’s dog bites not one man, but many?

    Joe and Jill Biden’s two-year-old German shepherd, Commander, is that dog. After the U.S. Secret Service confirmed late last month that Commander had been involved in 11 “biting incidents” at the White House, CNN reported this week that the canine had actually been even more prolific with his canines, biting several White House staffers. At some point in the past two weeks, Commander was sent away.

    “The President and First Lady care deeply about the safety of those who work at the White House and those who protect them every day,” Elizabeth Alexander, the communications director for the first lady, said in a statement to CNN. Commander, she added, “is not presently on the White House campus while next steps are evaluated.” Woof.

    The whole situation has been traumatic. For the bite victims, of course—at least one of whom went to the hospital for treatment—but also for Commander, who now has to leave the only family he’s ever known. And for the Biden family: Not three full years into his administration, the president and the first lady have had to say goodbye to not one, but two family dogs. (The Bidens’ older dog, Major, was similarly expelled in 2021 for his own biting proclivity.)

    Banishing the Bidens’ dog is not just a matter of OSHA compliance. It’s political too.

    The flurry of really newsworthy dog-bites-man stories has been rough for the president, who comes off as both an unfeeling boss and a negligent dog owner. In the vortex of negative press—impeachment, Hunter Biden’s legal problems, inflation, dipping approval ratings—Commander’s bad behavior is practically the one negative news story that Biden can attempt to control.

    The Commander drama has been building toward a climax for months. Major bit a Secret Service agent shortly after moving into the White House, in 2021, and was subsequently sent to live with family friends in Delaware—not a euphemism, we’re told. Commander, the younger of the two, has been biting people for months. In July, reports emerged that the dog had attacked or bitten members of the Secret Service multiple times from last October to January of this year. (This pattern added injury to insult in an already tense relationship between the Biden administration and the Secret Service, many of whom are reportedly fans of Donald Trump.)

    As if that situation was not fraught enough, we now know that Commander has chomped on more arms and legs than was previously reported, including on a number of White House executive staffers’. Asked where the dog was taken, Alexander, the East Wing spokesperson, declined to comment directly. She also did not comment on how the Biden family is feeling, though that’s easy to guess: sad, sort of embarrassed, probably annoyed by all the dog coverage when Republicans in Congress are engaged in their own very public brawling.

    More than anything, though, I wonder how Commander feels—and whether things might have turned out better if more consideration had been given to that question.

    The life of a president’s dog can be stressful. The White House is a working office and a public museum as well as a home, with multitudes of people coming in and out all the time. Even on a normal day, the scene can be a chaotic sensory overload for a dog: Rotating members of the Secret Service detail, uniformed and not, stand outside every room, earpieces in, eyes darting, faces unsmiling; aides fly through doorways with varying degrees of excitement and alarm, waving papers. And the first family is always leaving on trips and official visits; sometimes they bring the dog; other times they leave him behind in the care of a butler or an operating engineer, who is on-site around the clock.

    All of this is difficult for a human to adjust to, let alone a dog with limited English comprehension who cannot understand that his owner is the most important person in the Western world.

    Presidential pets always take some time to acclimate, according to Jennifer Pickens, the author of Pets at the White House. Eventually, most White House dogs have been able to adapt to the schedule of nights in the first family’s residence, and days with the run of the building (or parts of it). They might spend time sleeping in the chief usher’s office or waiting for the president in the Outer Oval. They’ll go on regular walks through the 18-acre White House campus with Dale Haney, who has been the groundskeeper and unofficial presidential dog handler since he first tended to Richard Nixon’s Irish setter, King Timahoe. During the George W. Bush administration, the president’s squat little Scottish terrier, Barney, liked to follow the pastry chef around in the basement hallways, licking powdered sugar from his shoes, Pickens told me. Bo and Sunny Obama, the 44th president’s Portuguese water dogs, were accustomed to being paraded around for snuggles from children visiting the White House.

    But other dogs don’t settle in so easily—or they become irritated by the attention. After all, they don’t get to choose to become part of the first family: In 1961, the Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev gave the Kennedy family a fluffy white puppy named Pushinka, whose mother had been shot into space on Sputnik 5. Pushinka—who went on to have her own puppies, which John F. Kennedy referred to as the “pupniks”—became “a little nippy” later in life, according to Caroline Kennedy.

    The adjustment to White House life has been a challenge for many presidential pooches. Ronald Reagan’s 65-pound Bouvier des Flandres, Lucky, was sent back to the family’s Santa Barbara ranch after a few months, because she was deemed “a little too much for the Reagan White House,” Pickens said. One of the Carter family mutts, JB—short for Jet Black—used to snap at the maids and butlers, Gary Walters, a former chief usher, told me. The dog nipped at Walters on occasion too: “We’d just say, ‘Oh, JB, shut up and go away.’” In 2008, Barney bit the finger of Jon Decker when the Reuters reporter reached out to pet him; Barney could be, as Jenna Bush put it later, “a real jerk.”

    I wish I could tell Commander all of this—that dogs act like dogs, and sometimes like real jerks, even when they live in the White House.

    Commander’s adjustment to White House life may have been more challenging than it was for other pets. Although German shepherds can be loyal and trustworthy companions, they have to be diligently trained, especially during their adolescent months, Sue Kewley, a dog behaviorist who specializes in the breed, told me. “I don’t think people realize how sensitive German shepherds can be,” she said. They’re herding dogs, and “if you don’t give them a job to do, they’ll go self-employed.”

    Young shepherds need to be taught how to behave when a visitor or stranger arrives—how to go to their “place” or grab a toy, something that desensitizes them to the constant flow of bodies coming and going. This appears to be the gap in Commander’s education. “He’s been allowed to make mistakes, which is a real shame,” Kewley said. “But I don’t blame him. It’s not his fault.”

    It probably didn’t have to be this way, in other words. With better training and more attention, Commander might have been able to stay in the White House. As with other presidential dogs, he could have been an emblem for the president, something happy and sweet for the American people to latch on to. Instead, he’s become a workplace hazard, an unfortunate headline, and now, sadly, an exile.

    Elaine Godfrey

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  • Dogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service Officer

    Dogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service Officer

    Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.

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  • Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

    Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End

    WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted the couch cushion and spoke in a strained whisper as he urged all 330 million Americans to take his hand so that he would not have to be alone in his final moments. “Do you feel that chill in the air? Do you hear that whisper? It won’t be long now. I have grown weak, and I am so tired. So, so tired. Come close to me. Don’t be shy. I just want to see your faces one last time.” At press time, Biden added, “Not you,” while pointing to Vice President Kamala Harris.

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  • Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

    Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

    President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to “finish the job” he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering democracy. What do you think?

    “Who better to capture my weariness?”

    Donny Latimer, Unemployed

    “If he needs the money to retire that badly, maybe he should just have a fundraiser.”

    Hank Brennan, Building Climber

    “Okay, but can anyone tell me if this is the most important election of my lifetime or not?”

    Renee Sheridan, Bookmark Artist

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  • Coy Biden Appears Nude Behind Folding Fan To Tease 2024 Run

    Coy Biden Appears Nude Behind Folding Fan To Tease 2024 Run

    WASHINGTON—Addressing members of the press corps with breathy coos and flirty air-kisses, a coy President Joe Biden reportedly appeared nude behind a folding fan Friday, presumably to tease a 2024 reelection campaign. “Run for president? Moi?” the leader of the free world asked with a shimmy and a wink, peeking over an undulating fan made of long silky feathers; teasing small glimpses of a pair of Biden 2024 nipple covers with red, white, and blue tassels; and swinging wildly as he approached reporters with a seductive, sensual strut. “I may throw my hat in the ring, and perhaps my gloves and stockings, too. Tee-hee! Did you want to see more of my potential platform? Ah, ah, ah, not just yet. Oopsie daisy, I think I just dropped a hint of when my official announcement might be. Let me just bend over very slowly and pick it up.” At press time, rumors of President Biden’s 2024 run were further substantiated when Vice President Kamala Harris was wheeled onto the stage in an oversized champagne glass.

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  • Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

    Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

    The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?

    “This is the kind of bipartisan destruction people wanted when they voted for Biden.”

    Buck Gallizeau, Unemployed

    “If protesters have a better idea to speed up our climate breakdown, I’m sure the government is all ears.”

    Daniel Mello, Blackjack Dealer

    “Okay, but let’s start fresh with stopping climate change tomorrow.”

    Kim Lytie, Plan Consultant

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  • Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much

    Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much

    WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes.

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  • Biden Delivers State Of The Union

    Biden Delivers State Of The Union

    President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech?

    “There wasn’t enough groveling to me specifically.”

    Russ Melendez, Unemployed

    “I hope I’m giving State of the Union speeches that good when I’m 80.”

    Kelly DiToma, Confection Expert

    “He puts on a good show, but everyone knows he’s lip-syncing.”

    Griffith Feldman, Clock Resetter

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  • Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying

    Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying

    WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me you can’t say to my face, you fake bitch?” said Xi, appearing on a behind-the-scenes feed featuring the chyron “Called U.S. President ‘Lying Hussie’,” where he could be seen breaking down in tears, smashing a mirror in the green room as aides held him back, and then rushing out to confront Biden as Congress whooped in applause. “Oh, so you can say you don’t like my spy balloon on national TV, but you don’t mention the trillion bucks you owe me, you broke-ass ho? Hey, get back here so I can beat your ass. Or run away, like you run from all our problems!” At press time, Biden had reportedly managed to calm Xi down by offering the weeping leader a box of tissues and agreeing to joint custody of Taiwan.

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  • President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11

    President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11

    President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?

    “America is ready to move onto its next preventable national emergency.”

    Simone Wittich, Celebrity Handler

    “I thought only Congress could end Covid.”

    Dan Meiselas, Gravel Piler

    “It’s hard to believe we were all so scared of a virus that’s only killed millions of people and hasn’t been eradicated yet.”

    Dennis Wimberly, Statue Molder

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  • Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans

    Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans

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    WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only a week away from a nationwide catastrophe in which we would have been forced to acknowledge the basic rights of these employees,” said President Biden, applauding lawmakers on both sides of the aisle who ensured rail workers would continue to be denied a benefit as humane as paid sick days. “So much of what Americans rely on is delivered by train—from clean water to food to gas—and the last thing we want is for the people responsible for transporting those goods to be able to stay home when they’re seriously ill. Thanks to this law, we can guarantee that no engineer driving 20,000 tons of freight across this great nation will be able to access healthcare without having their pay docked.” Biden went on to express confidence that next year, bipartisan legislation would be passed to ensure rail workers were no longer allowed to eat or sleep between shifts.

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  • Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

    Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately

    The GOP has rightly taken issue with the Biden administration killing foreign civilians in airstrikes and causing mass starvation in Afghanistan by freezing its government assets, not to mention the brutal sanctions on—wait, no, it will be over some Marjorie Taylor Greene bullshit.

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