Tag: Advice

Dear Eric: I’ve been good friends with a woman for about five years now; we live abroad. However, I am not and never have been a huge fan of her new husband.

He talks over people or one-ups any statement and simply doesn’t listen. He can’t do turn-taking in conversation. I’ve asked a mutual friend if he is like this in his second language, and she confirmed he is.

He and my husband had a disagreement on a very sensitive topic for my husband, largely caused by this refusal to listen. Now my husband won’t tolerate small groups with him. We don’t have a large friend circle, so small groups are all we have!

Now I rarely see my friend and I always have to come up with an excuse why we can’t accept invitations because I don’t love hanging out with both of them, and my husband hates being relegated to the “boys’ corner” and having to talk to him during any group outing. I’m at a loss.

I really like her; it is hard to find down-to-earth people who are genuine like my friend, but her husband is always around and just so difficult to have fun with. How can I salvage the friendship but ditch her husband?

— Trying to Keep Old Friends

Dear Trying: Alas, you cannot divorce someone else’s husband. So, you may have to recalibrate your expectations regarding your friendship in order to salvage it.

Let’s take the husband’s corner first: it’s not your responsibility to manage your husband’s good time. So, if he’s refusing to go to group outings, let him stay home. These can still be opportunities for you to get in some quality time with your friend at a time when her husband is otherwise engaged.

Also, consider setting up one-on-one friend dates with her. You may not get to see her as often as you want, which can happen in friendships even when the friend’s spouse is a delight. But by being intentional and keeping the focus on creating opportunities for yeses, rather than focusing on what’s not working in this friendship, you may find a happy medium, with fewer interruptions.

Dear Eric: I was in a relationship for 21 years until my ex had a baby on me and I left him. During my relationship with my ex, I would see this guy from time to time, when me and my ex would break up. So, then he and I started dating and eventually we became a couple.

A couple months into the relationship things changed and I noticed that I was a handful to deal with. I didn’t realize how hurt I was about my past until I got into a new relationship and I can admit I saw myself hurting him. He left me and I don’t blame him.

I really worked on myself, my ways and everything that I knew was a problem. After two years we got back together, he noticed the change in me and we got along great.

One day he got sick and had to get admitted into the hospital. I worked the night shift so I would stay at the hospital all day and leave for work at night.

On the third day of this, I called him to tell him I’m on my way and he told me his ex was there. He said, “Look, you’re not here for me like I need you to be.” He said I should have quit my job when he needed me and stayed with him. Since I didn’t, he got back with his ex.

Now am I wrong for first of all wanting to strangle him for coming back into my life just to leave me again the same way, and in your opinion how do I move on from this hurt? I don’t want to hurt my next partner if I decide to get into a relationship, but I also don’t want to keep getting hurt either.

Dear Eric: I’m in my early 30s and seeing a really great guy. He checks a lot of boxes for me and I’m happy with him. My boyfriend and I said “I love you” to each other a few weeks ago. He said it first, and I said it back. We’ve been dating for about six weeks, so this feels normal. This isn’t my first relationship, but it’s moving more slowly than my other relationships have in the past. I’m OK with that for the most part.

But he won’t ask me to be his girlfriend. We’ve talked about it and he’ll say things like, “that’s definitely where we’re heading.” But that’s it. I’m getting frustrated about it. What can I do?

— Not the Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend: You can ask him to be your boyfriend. Or, if you don’t want to be that direct, you can tell him that you are interested in taking the relationship to the next level and you want to know what he’s interested in.

If he feels you’re heading toward a committed relationship, it’s fair to ask questions like, how long is this road to a relationship? Are there any obstacles that you see? How fast are we traveling? Is it possible to step on the gas pedal?

Your relationship belongs to both of you, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need. And don’t be afraid to tell him when something isn’t working for you. Love is communication. It’s not just saying “I love you,” it’s also saying “let’s talk about this” and “can you help me understand” and “wow, this one thing is not working for me but this thing between us definitely does work for me and so I’m excited to figure out how to work it all out together with you.”

Dear Eric: I have a loving and attentive husband, two adult children who stay in touch, lots of relatives (many of whom live near me and with whom I have monthly contact.) I am in my late 70s and know well enough that travel, hobbies, classes, causes, work and helping others are ways to get connected. I do these things, but they do not satisfy me.

Most of my closer friends have died or moved away, and I don’t see that attrition changing. I long to have a few close friends that I can call or visit to share daily chitchat and deeper communication. Instead, I have to do all the reaching out, and do not feel that my efforts are returned.

I am aware of “all the lonely people” around me. But I am most aware of my own loneliness. It is profound and raw and unabated.

What is wrong with me? What can I do about this? I think I am caring and considerate, and show interest in others. Why do I not have any close friends at this stage of my life, after being committed to my family and community for so many decades?

— In Search of Connection

Dear Connection: Sometimes when I get into a tough place emotionally, I ask myself “what is real and what do I feel?” Often, the Venn diagram of the two is one solid circle. At other times, there’s some distance. The distance doesn’t make either less valid. Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that I feel and it’s important to honor that. However, feelings and facts often have different remedies.

In your letter, the facts are that you’ve experienced profound loss of some of your foundational connections. This is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It also doesn’t mean that you won’t grieve these friendships and all the things they brought into your life. It’s possible that your grief process is making it even harder to feel connected to the loving husband you mentioned, or your hobbies or your other family members.

Dear Eric: I have been taking dance classes from the same instructor for years. There are a number of us students who would like to see more technique, as opposed (or in addition) to more steps, taught as some dance styles rely heavily on technique (West Coast Swing is an example).

We really enjoy the classes and the instructor’s commitment to providing lessons to anyone, regardless of their ability/level. Since I’ve never taught dance classes before, I don’t know if things work better keeping everything “simpler”, so to speak, or if they might be misjudging the capabilities of their students?

It’s tricky to bring this up as we don’t want to criticize their teaching style, but we also want to feel that we, and the other students, are getting some of the important techniques that are sometimes lacking.

— Movin’ and Groovin’

Dear Movin’: The question “how can I learn more about this?” is such a wonderful invitation and could, in your case, open the door to a more advanced class or additional technique lessons. I imagine that your dance instructor has a passion for the form. Many teachers do. So, try to have a conversation rooted in your shared enthusiasm. This will likely sound less like a critique and more like what it is: a desire to know more and to participate more fully.

Dear Eric: I have a neighbor who seems really interested in being friends with me. She always speaks when I pass by, sends holiday cards, et cetera. We’ve talked about getting together for a meal or something but didn’t get much past the talk.

I don’t have anything against her. She seems nice enough. But when I moved in another neighbor told me to avoid her since she’s a liar.

I don’t go in much for drama and gossip, so I haven’t asked for any more information. But I trust this other neighbor. (We were actually friendly before I moved into the neighborhood.)

Mostly, I just want to be left alone.

Do you think I should try to avoid the liar neighbor or what?

— Good Fences

Dear Fences: I’m no judge but there seems to be a lot of hearsay happening here. The neighbor who gave you the warning was vague in a way that perhaps suggests discretion, but in reality, only muddies the waters. Either say something helpful (and objectively true) or say nothing at all. But a blanket warning hews too close to gossip for my taste.

If you want to be friends with this other neighbor, trust your judgment and proceed with caution, just as you would with anyone else.

However, if you’re fine with an occasional hello and a holiday card, it doesn’t need to go beyond that. Sometimes the best neighborly relationships are the ones where everyone stays in their respective yards. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Dear Eric: “Contact with No Contact” wrote about a brother-in-law who had suddenly gone no contact and wondered how to navigate an upcoming wedding where the in-law would be. The letter writer wrote, “ I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again.”

This struck a chord with me.

When my sister-in-law told me she never wanted to speak to me again, I was relieved. Having made a diligent effort to mend the broken fence “of the moment” and being unequivocally rejected, I no longer had to chase a friendship that would never materialize.

But we are still relatives and therefore see each other at family gatherings. Internally, I pretend that I am meeting them for the first time. Every. Single. Time. Whether they snub me or not, either way, it doesn’t matter. I go to these events, and I enjoy them for what they are, and live in those moments without imprinting the scars of this failed relationship over those events.

— Bitter But Better

Dear Eric: I’m 61, widowed, and still work full time as a registered nurse in a very busy hospice house.

I lost my husband four years ago, and since then went through a medical scare twice, diagnosed with cirrhosis, sleep apnea and chronic anxiety, have bought and sold two homes, purchased a new car and created significant credit card debt twice.

When I retire, I won’t be able to afford my house, so I will need to move (again). I understand and admit these poor financial decisions were possibly my way of dealing with grief, but now I am at a crossroads where I have an opportunity to retire next year and finally be able to decide how and where I spend my time.

You see, during my 36 years of marriage, we moved 13 times. I really don’t have roots.

My problem is that I don’t know where to land during my retirement years. How do I go about figuring this out? Because of my medical issues, sometimes I need help and probably should live near my family. But who? I can’t wrap my head around this. But I need to decide soon because I will need to move when I sell my current home next summer.

I think I’m afraid to make another financial mistake. I also fear that this decision will be somehow final. What are your thoughts?

— The Next Move

Dear Move: The first thing you’ll want to do is talk to a financial adviser, who can review your assets and debts and give you a concrete plan that will keep you financially solvent and help you get some peace of mind. Medical issues and money woes can create a fog of anxiety that obscures the path forward. It’s hard to make wise decisions or to feel confident you haven’t made a mistake.

If you don’t know where to look for a financial adviser, ask friends or relatives if they work with someone they trust, or reach out to the National Association of Professional Financial Advisors (napfa.org). Your local senior center or public library will also likely have financial counseling resources available.

Also, talk to your family members about the upcoming decision and the options you’re weighing. They’ll be able to give you insight about the places they live, and their capacity for showing up for you when needed. This will give you a sense of what your post-retirement life can look like and give you better information to help you make your decision. Talk to your doctors, as well. If there’s specialized care you need, they’ll be able to advise you on how to connect with it in other areas.

Lastly, talk to friends in retirement communities about their experiences. You may find that one of those is an attractive and affordable option.

You don’t have to make these decisions on your own; indeed, it’s wiser not to. Keep asking for more information until you feel more surefooted. I understand that perhaps you feel that you’re backed into a corner right now. But I want to assure you that you can find a next chapter that brings you happiness and gives you a sense of freedom.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter about giving gifts to adults from “Feeling Bah-humbug” who wrote: “My significant other and I are at the stage in life where we really do not need more ‘stuff’ and would rather not deal with gifts that are generic at best and usually are re-gifted promptly via donation or gift-economy communities.”

We had the same problem. Solved it! Instead of buying gifts, we determined a monetary amount we probably would spend on a gift. We picked $50. Could be any amount.

Every year one person was in charge of collecting the money from everyone. That person donated that amount to their favorite charity. Next year, the next person collected the money and donated it to their favorite charity. Worked great!

— Regifting

Dear Eric: I allowed the daughter of a cousin, with whom I am not close, to move in with me while she finishes college. When she moved in last January it was supposed to be for a semester, but this is the longest semester I have ever seen.

We had an incident where she left gobs of hair all over my bathroom, which I had to clean up. I told her via text I didn’t like it.

She walked around my house for weeks so angry with me, and when I said something to her as she was leaving the house, she slammed the door in my face.

There were other incidents. When she moved in, she had at least nine big boxes in my living room. I have been asking for around seven months for her to move them, and she won’t.

So, we had a big blow-up because of that and now she is walking around sullen. She said she has to keep her peace; she won’t speak. She won’t do her chores anymore, either.

I want her to leave. She’s just plain rude. Am I wrong?

— Bad Housemate

Dear Housemate: It seems like she’s fallen into the pattern of being the sullen teenager, making you the nagging parent. But you’re not her parent and, if she’s finishing college, she’s probably not a teenager either. She’s a guest in your home and she needs to treat the home and you with respect. If she won’t contribute to the order of the home and won’t communicate with you, then it’s not working, and you should tell her that. She doesn’t get a free pass.

If you want to give her another chance before asking her to leave, then it’s time to have a “state of the arrangement” conversation where you lay out what your expectations are and ask her if she can accept those. Also state that there are consequences to the agreement not being honored, namely that this wouldn’t be a place where she was able to stay any longer. Lastly, get a timeline. How long is this degree going to take? How many credits does she have left?

From your letter, however, it sounds like you’re fed up and that’s fine. We’re coming up on the end of another semester. This may be the right time for her to find another option. Because your cousin made the arrangement, you might also loop her in so she’s not blindsided and so she can help her daughter to take responsibility.

Dear Eric: I recently spent the night with an old friend. We had a 50-year anniversary visit. We are thrilled to be reunited. My friend went out of her way to make me welcome and comfortable in her home overnight. That included washing the bed linens having used fabric softener and/or dryer sheets. The bed was overwhelmingly perfumed by these products to the extent that I was coughing and effectively lost a night‘s sleep.

The opportunity exists to spend more time in the future in her home, however, I cannot sleep in her guest room with those chemicals in play. How do you suggest I approach this one?

— No Aromas, Please

Dear Eric: The home next door is vacant. I think it is a rental property. There is a huge tree in the front yard that is coming over my property. A tree from this property fell on my house a few years ago. This caused my homeowner’s insurance to be canceled because it was considered to be an act of nature.

I need to see if this can be avoided because the tree is old and the dead branches are falling on my car. Do you have any idea what can be done?

— Neighbor Dilemma

Dear Neighbor: Start by collecting information. Your local tax assessor’s office will have a record of who owns the property and what their address is, if the house is not their primary residence. Be sure that if you search online, you’re on the state or local government’s site. There are many data-harvesting sites that will try to charge you for this free information. Don’t click on the first link you find in a search; scroll until you find a city, county or state site.

With this information, you can reach out to the owner directly, or you can reach out to the housing authority. Many housing authorities have task forces specifically charged with monitoring code violations. Even if yours doesn’t, a phone call to the housing authority will alert you to other options that might be available to you.

Dear Eric: I just can’t come to grips with the new style phone etiquette where you send a direct question or comment to someone (texts mainly, or emails, messenger, etc.) and it seems now optional to answer or respond, or at best get a “liked…” or a smiley face wearing sunglasses in reply.

My communications are important, take thoughtful effort to compose and like in the old days, you’re supposed to call the person back. I’m not talking about silly status posts on Instagram; this is two-way conversation and so many people interpret a texting response as optional!

Is it just me or is this an epidemic that is killing courtesy and good manners in modern society? What should I do, fire my friends and family? It’s tempting.

— Text Back

Dear Text Back: Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to label it an epidemic. But it’s true that texting etiquette — and texting practices in general — can lead to miscommunication and frustration. Because it’s relatively new, at least in comparison to the telephone or, say, writing letters, we’re still iterating on it as a culture.

All that to say, don’t fire your friends and family. If you want a text back about sometime specific, include that request in the text. Or consider having a broader conversation with friends and family about how you’d like to communicate. It’s good to ask for what we want. They may not always be willing or able to comply, but they won’t know this is something you’d like unless you tell them.

And, when all else fails, just don’t text. If you have something to say, you can initiate the phone call, thereby sidestepping any emojis.

Dear Eric: I read with interest the letter from the woman who had rooms in her house painted in colors other than what she’d specified (“Painted Over”). She wondered where the fault lied.

How about this: I placed a cookie order with a new local bakery. My husband picked up the order. Well, the order was botched – not even close to the cookie flavor I’d ordered. When I notified the baker, he apologized, saying that my email address was similar to that of someone else who had also placed an order. He offered to do the correct order for me for a “discounted” price. Huh?

Why should I be made to pay again for an error that was not my fault? Needless to say, I have not done business with this bakery since.

What are your thoughts on this? I did not agree to this resolution. Instead of paying again, I just kept and used the incorrect order, despite my disappointment. Some customer service!

Dear Eric: My 40-year-old daughter and spouse live in an apartment with their children. Both were raised in clean, tidy homes.

I know they have always paid the rent on time wherever they live. The issue: they’re both nasty slobs. They’ve been in their current apartment less than six months. Their patio is full of trash, unused plant pots, vacuum cleaner, patio furniture and kids toys, the only unit like this in the whole massive complex. I know the inside is just as bad.

In the past I’ve offered to clean up with them, but they were so offended, they wouldn’t communicate for a month because I was judgmental, and then they withheld the children.

Every year the landlord won’t renew their lease. Happens every year. They get angry and say they don’t understand why. Don’t landlords issue warnings for fire hazards, pest control? The expense and kids changing schools can’t be easy for them.

Is there any way to approach them without raising their ire at me? It’s difficult for me to even look at it (can’t avoid it, it’s a front patio) when I pick up the kids weekly, but we’ve clashed before so I must be extra careful.

— Trash Clash

Dear Clash: It sounds like they’ve got to learn how to clean up their own mess, literally and proverbially. Your offer of assistance was really kind and, from your telling, did more than just point out the problem. But if something like that is going to raise their hackles to the point of cutting off communication, I fear there’s nothing you can say that won’t prompt a similar conflict.

There are two options, then. First, if you believe the mess is harmful to their children, you can reach out to 311 to get them help for their hoarding tendencies. Many fire departments have members trained at intervention. They can pay the apartment a visit. You could also reach out to a social worker, but it doesn’t seem from your letter that you think the children are in danger and so this option might be too extreme.

The other path is just letting it be. They obviously have a sensitivity to even the mention of the mess. And, as you wrote, their living habits are impacting their ability to find consistent housing. They could benefit from counseling and coaching around this issue and any emotional underpinnings that might be getting in their way. But they have to be willing, and you may not be the right person to step in.

For now, take a step back, reach out to 311, and see if they can help get the ball rolling without implicating you.

Dear Eric: I am writing because I don’t know where to start and how to begin getting out of horrible depression. I can’t turn my mind off. I’m afraid of dying and what’s after death. I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life (I’m 54 years old). I go to work and come home, or I’m watching my grandkids (who I just adore). I can’t lose weight. Nothing is positive and/or worth getting out of bed for. I feel so blah, yucky and worthless. Please, where do I start? And how do I start?

— Cure for Sadness

Dear Cure: I understand how overwhelming this constellation of feelings is. And even making a small start can feel like a huge task. So, don’t be hard on yourself and keep in mind that feeling better is a series of small changes, efforts, trials and practices that can snowball.

Dear Eric: My 35-year-old niece married a 45-year-old man with two teenage kids in a small ceremony. I have always been close with her. My sister and my niece have had a somewhat up-and-down relationship. They are each strong-willed.

But over the past 18 months since my niece met her now-husband, she has pretty much turned her back on her family who have always been there for her. While my relationship with my niece has always been great, lately it has just been OK. There is an underlying tension within the family that she is creating.

She is not an easy person to discuss things with. For a wedding gift I gave them a check for $3,500. I still have yet to receive a written thank-you note. To my knowledge, none of the other 50 or so wedding guests have received thank-you notes, either.

I know they are busy, but between the two of them, they should be able to take a couple of hours to send out this small number of thank you cards if they truly appreciate their friends and family.

I am not a person who gets his feelings hurt easily. If I do not receive a note from them before Christmas, would I be wrong to not give them any Christmas gifts this year? I hate to make the situation worse, but I also don’t want to be made to feel like a fool going forward.

— A Hurt Uncle

Dear Uncle: Here’s my quarterly exhortation to the universe: thank-you notes are not a lost art. Send a note, a text, a card — something. Even if it’s later than you wanted it to be. Communication! It matters to people.

Now, that said, I think you have two courses of action with regard to your niece. First, try to find a way to talk about the state of your relationship. “I love you and I care about you. I feel we’ve grown distant in the following ways. [Give one or two examples.] I’d like to be closer again, if that’s something you want. [Make one or two suggestions.]”

Your objective is clearer communication with your niece, something that, when achieved, can make questions about the family distance or the thank-you notes easier to answer.

The second course of action: send a Christmas card in lieu of a gift. Sometimes we use gifts to express our love and appreciation. And they can be great at doing so. But in a situation where a few wires seem to be getting crossed, it’s best to save yourself more frustration and find a simpler, more cost-effective way of sending your love.

Dear Eric: I’m a big fan of your column and really enjoy hearing your responses to readers. (Here it comes, though.) I do feel that you missed something with “Grandma On Hold”, who was frustrated that her son and daughter-in-law let their children interrupt adult conversations. When children visit someone’s house, it’s a really good time to instill that they need to be polite and respect the rules of others. When you’re at home it’s totally different and you can expect to be much more relaxed, but when going to Grandma’s, or a restaurant, or the grocery store, it’s a great time to reel it in and practice our social skills.

Our mother would give us a brief talk on the way to our destination about manners and my brother and I found it to be valuable, because we learned social skills that made people like us and want to invite us back.

I think you underscored Grandma’s feeling of being undervalued by telling her to sit back and allow the kids to interrupt. Thank you for your time.

— Manners Matter

Dear Eric: I’m in my 60s and have a crippling disease that kept me housebound for nearly five years. My daughter moved back home around that time after her sister took her life and left behind a young son, whom we have been raising together.

A new medication for this disease was recently approved. I’ve been taking it for two years, and it has led to incredibly impressive improvements. I have a new lease on life!

The manufacturers of this medication invited me to be a patient ambassador for them this year. I receive a good stipend for traveling once every other month or so to talk with physicians, pharmacists and other patients struggling with this condition. The trips are very short (one to two days), and my physical needs and limitations are respected and accommodated.

My daughter is angry about this and wants me to stop. She gives a number of reasons: That I’m shilling for Big Pharma, the time it takes for me to recover from trips, all the “what ifs,” (nonexistent) financial burdens, leaving her behind to cope with a recalcitrant teenager, et cetera. She refuses to participate or support my efforts in any way.

I suspect there’s something else going on. Could she be worried about the time I will leave her behind permanently?

What’s the best way to discuss this with someone who refuses to talk about the fact that I will not always be around, no matter how safe I try to be? I intend to grab this chance to provide a patient perspective and support others struggling with this disease. It matters to me. Yet I also want my family to accept and support me just as I support them.

— Patient Patient

Dear Patient: I’m sure you’re right: there are probably a lot of other emotions and triggers influencing your daughter’s position. This is understandable, but the first thing to remember is you don’t need her permission to live your life. Every family system is interconnected, and yours is no different. Collaborating to raise a child, who is surely still grieving the loss of his mother (as you are also still grieving) makes that interconnectedness even more complicated. Communication is key here, as is compromise, but I don’t see your daughter’s demands in that spirit.

For the moment, table debate about your trips. You needn’t stop them, especially if they are helping you feel you’re living your purpose. But you, your daughter, and your grandson should participate jointly and individually in family therapy. Focus initially on the grief and the new dynamics of your family. Sometimes, when a loved one dies and life has to be dramatically rearranged, we make the first or most immediately available choice. After some of the initial shock has subsided, it’s good to revisit those early choices to make sure they still work for us. I’m not suggesting that your co-raising arrangement needs upending, instead therapy can be an opportunity to process what your shared goals are, how you’re working toward those goals, and any places where those goals don’t align.

Your daughter may never be fully comfortable with your trips. Much of that is her work to do. But by continuing to have conversations that acknowledge how much has changed, you give each other the opportunity to keep changing and growing, too.

Dear Eric: I wanted to respond to your advice to “Lonely At Night”, whose marriage was in trouble and whose husband refused to be physical. The letter writer wanted to get a dog for company, to which the husband was also opposed. You stated if the wife wants to get a dog and the husband does not, she should get a dog anyway. This is a dangerous recommendation for the dog.

I have worked in dog rescue and adopt my own rescue dogs.

I have seen way too many times that when one person wants a dog and the other does not, that poor dog suffers from neglect and quite often physical abuse from the party who never wanted the pet. Then they end up kicked out of the home, given to dangerous shelters or just suffering from the stress of moving to a new home.