Do you ever question “Am I controlling?” when those butterflies in your stomach morph into unsettling claws of possessiveness? Do you find yourself giving into your overactive jealousy and feeling guilty about it at the same time?
Sometimes, even the kindest intentions pave the path to controlling behaviors. You might not mean any harm but it might cause your partner to feel suffocated nonetheless. Remember, acknowledging controlling tendencies isn’t about shame, but about growth.
This 11-question quiz, designed by a relationship counselor with a Master’s in Psychology, delves into the murky waters of control in relationships. Take the plunge, answer honestly, because sometimes, recognizing controlling behavior is the first step towards a healthier, happier connection. Let’s see if your actions whisper “concern” or scream “controlling personality!”
Remember that first coffee date, the butterflies, the shared dreams? Now, fast forward. The jokes that hurt, the constant unsolicited advice, the backhanded compliments that chip away at your confidence. That spark you felt at the start, it’s flickering. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many women grapple with the question: “Is he a misogynist?” It’s a tough one to answer as it’s often hidden by layers of affection and shared history.
This misogyny quiz is your flashlight in the dark. Whether it’s the eye-roll at your career goals, the constant “mansplaining,” or the possessiveness that suffocates your independence, let’s untangle the red flags and understand the root cause of the issue.
Before you can work out how to deal with misogyny, you must first identify it. Take the quiz and answer as honestly as possible. Remember, you deserve a boyfriend who celebrates your strength, respects your voice, and wants to watch you grow.
Caring or controlling? It’s easy to mistake one for the other in relationships, but there’s a crucial difference – one makes you feel loved, and the other, scared. Enter the “Is My Boyfriend Controlling? Quiz,” a valuable tool for self-reflection designed to enhance your understanding of your boyfriend’s actions. Crafted by a psychologist with experience as a relationships counselor, this quiz aims to help you identify telltale signs of controlling behavior.
In relationships, control issues can subtly creep in, often going unnoticed. It may start with seemingly harmless small things that, when viewed individually, seem innocent but collectively raise a major red flag.
Consider a common scenario: when your boyfriend asks for your location. If it’s rooted in genuine concern for your safety or planning check-ins, that’s positive. However, if he’s constantly demanding your location, checking up on you excessively, and bombarding you with too many questions, it could be a sign of control.
This example illustrates physical control, but there are other types as well. Emotional and psychological control often accompany physical control, but they can be trickier to identify. For instance, emotional control may manifest as manipulative behaviors that subtly undermine your confidence, leading you to constantly crave his approval.
The quiz consists of eight straightforward questions, each prompting reflection on different aspects of your relationship. So, find a quiet corner, answer honestly, and let the quiz address the questions buzzing around in your mind: “Is my boyfriend manipulative?” “Is he controlling?”
Relationships, at the best of times, are challenging affairs to navigate, and past sexual trauma makes them even more difficult. A WHO report states that 1 in 3 women are subjected to physical or sexual violence globally. Even more worrying is that 1 in 4 girls/women aged 15 to 24 years have experienced some form of sexual abuse or violence by an intimate partner. Have you been seeing everyday signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past, and is part of these alarming statistics? If you’re dating a sexual abuse survivor, then you need to educate yourself on this subject.
So, what constitutes sexual abuse and sexual trauma? According to psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, sexual abuse is defined as “exposure of a person to any kind of inappropriate sexual behavior by another person. The abuse could be physical, sexual assault, molestation or rape, or could also include verbal sexual abuse. Sexual trauma occurs when sexual abuse causes the victim a great deal of stress and prevents them from functioning optimally.”
Let’s try to identify the signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past. So that you can support her with a greater degree of sensitivity and awareness.
11 Possible Signs Your Girlfriend Was Sexually Abused In The Past
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (ACOG) defines sexual abuse, especially child sexual abuse, as any type of sexual activity where consent is not or cannot be given. This will include any sexual contact that is accomplished by force or the threat of force. Legal definitions vary by state, and state guidelines are available here. If you go through these, you might even spot subtle signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past, even when she’s not vocal about it.
Some people think they ‘deserve’ to know the details of their partner’s past abuse. A Reddit user says, “Reliving it isn’t necessarily a healthy thing to do with you. Maybe in therapy with a trained counselor, but again, that’s her choice. This isn’t about you.” Another Reddit user says, “It’s a personal tragedy that I have no place in needing to know … Exposing the wound just so you can take a look inside when she hasn’t healed enough will just make things worse.”
This is why we’ve created a list of signs someone was sexually abused in the past, so you know exactly how to support your partner even when she’s not ready to share.
Having a difficult time building an intimate relationship is a common sign that your partner may have been sexually abused in the past. Those with a history of past sexual abuse often have difficulty in forming and maintaining emotional intimacy with their partners. This stems from their traumatic experiences of sexual abuse, which makes it difficult for them to trust others and be vulnerable with a man. The fear of being hurt again may manifest in several ways:
Reluctance to open up about their thoughts and feelings
Changing topics when the conversation gets deep
Signs of discomfort with physical touch like hugs and caresses
Recognizing these signs of sexual abuse for what they are will help deal with the issue. Do not read her responses as indicative of rejection or a lack of interest but rather as a coping mechanism. This will create a safe and supportive environment in which your girlfriend can learn to deal with her fears and become comfortable with intimacy. Empower her and focus on the things she can do well, instead of what she’s unable to.
2. She avoids sexual contact
Nandita says, “Avoiding sexual contact is one of the more obvious signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past. She may seem traumatized and scared of sexual touch.” This avoidance of sexual intimacy may take different forms, such as:
She flinches from physical touch
Her body may tense up during physically intimate moments
She remains unresponsive to any advances
She avoids any suggestion of engaging in sexual activity
Avoiding sexual relationships is common for those with a sexual abuse history or those who have been through childhood sexual abuse. The past sexual trauma will have affected your girlfriend’s understanding of what intimate relationships are all about. In her mind, intimacy and sex have negative associations with pain and trauma. Overcoming this can take a long, and often painful, process of healing and grief.
Some sexual abuse survivors try to avoid any triggers that may remind them of the incident(s). These will include locations, discussions, acts, or even positions that may make them feel vulnerable. It is important for you, as a partner and loved one, to be understanding and to provide emotional support.
The trauma of past sexual abuse may make your partner uncomfortable with physical intimacy
3. Signs someone was sexually abused in the past: Flashbacks and/or recurrent nightmares
The signs of your girlfriend having survived sexual abuse in the past are remarkably similar to PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder. This remains true even if the incident occurred a long time ago. Pressurizing her in any way will just aggravate the situation and alienate her further.
According to Nandita, “Symptoms of PTSD are common amongst those who have been sexually abused. These would include flashbacks of the past and recurrent nightmares. These are signs that her brain is trying to process and come to terms with the traumatic event of her past. Along with this, she may also suffer from disturbed sleep and insomnia. She might dissociate a lot too.”
4. She may suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks
Nandita says, “For abuse survivors, certain situations may trigger heightened anxiety or depression. The situations may be centered around certain people or places, things that in her mind are associated with past trauma. The anxiety may manifest as emotional outbursts which seem disproportionate to the moment, seemingly caused by unrelated events.”
Dealing with these dating and social anxiety or panic attacks, says Nandita, will require acceptance and acknowledgment on both your parts that her current behavior is rooted in her past abuse. It will need to be treated with great love and compassion. Getting her to seek support from a trauma-informed mental health professional would also be greatly beneficial to her.
5. An abuse survivor might be clingy
Dating a sexual abuse survivor may mean having to put up with clinginess. This type of behavior is usually caused by the fear of being abandoned and may lead to an over-dependence on your relationship. While this can prove difficult at times, it would do well to remember that her past abuse caused these negative beliefs.
Being clingy in a relationship is her coping mechanism, helping her deal with her vulnerabilities, and once again calls for plenty of patience, understanding, and compassion on your part, as well as gentle boundaries.
6. Your girlfriend might be a people-pleaser
She may be unable to say no to people, even when it is at the cost of her boundaries and will. This is typical people-pleasing behavior. While it is her way of ensuring stability and no confrontations, it does not make for healthy relationships. The behavior is typical of people who suffer from low self-esteem and is directly linked to her past sexual abuse, which has deeply affected her self-image.
“My partner went through sexual abuse at an early age,” shares 25-year-old Rick from Montana. “She often said yes to small things in the relationship, which I could detect she wasn’t really into. Certain trip plans, or where to eat, or how to spend a day. I started thinking that I don’t really know her. She ultimately told me some things about her past and has now been trying to, over the last six months, say ‘no’ when she’s not into something. It’s a big deal for her to be able to do this.”
7. Sign that you are dating a sexual abuse survivor: She has low self-esteem and low self-worth
“Survivors of sexual abuse might feel a lot of shame, guilt, and humiliation over their past trauma due to societal stigma or upbringing. As a result, they often suffer from low self-esteem,” says Nandita. Sexual assault and sexual abuse survivors are often made to believe that they are to blame for the abuse. These feelings of shame and guilt over time contribute to a feeling of worthlessness. This can manifest in many ways:
Lack of self-confidence
Withdrawn behavior, especially in large groups
Indecisiveness: Approval is sought before/after almost every decision
Signs of self-harm or self-injury
Substance abuse
You need to remind yourself repeatedly that these behaviors are not a part of her natural personality but have been caused by her sexual abuse experience. She’ll need time, empowerment, and emotional validation to slowly rebuild her self-image and gradually lift her self-esteem. For more serious issues such as substance abuse and/or alcohol abuse, you should get her to seek professional help or, at the very least, seek support from friends or support groups to get her started on her healing journey.
8. You notice self-destructive patterns
What are the signs of sexual abuse that are sometimes the hardest to deal with? We asked our readers. “A pattern of self-destructive behavior. It was a coping mechanism that my girlfriend exhibited to deal with her intense emotions from past trauma. I had to stand on the sidelines and watch her punish herself for a long time,” shares Ling, 27, a reader from San Francisco.
In a study on childhood sexual abuse as a precursor to self-destructive behavior in adulthood, it was concluded that the more frequent the abuse and the longer its duration, the more depression and self-destructiveness was reported in adulthood. The above behaviors are caused by deep-rooted emotional pain and are not a conscious choice. So try to be more empathetic while approaching such situations and keep a non-judgemental frame of mind. And help her seek a mental health professional who can provide her with the tools to deal with these sexual abuse after-effects.
9. There are physical symptoms of sexual abuse too
Physical signs of past sexual trauma may not be very apparent to you. A medical professional will be more adept at spotting these signs. Some of the common physical symptoms would include:
Chronic pain in the abdominal or pelvic region
Eating disorders
Self-neglect
As per a study, there is an increased likelihood of substance addiction as a result of past sexual abuse trauma
Being physically inactive
Obesity
For these reasons, it is essential for your girlfriend to seek therapy. Getting her to do so would require plenty of patience on your part and should not be rushed.
10. Your girlfriend might display varied sex-related behaviors
As stated earlier, your girlfriend may have trouble with intimacy and sexual contact. But you may notice other effects too:
Her association of sexual activity with physical pain and violation may cause disturbances in her sexual desire levels as well as in arousal, causing her to experience a degree of sexual dysfunction
Or she may have a history of multiple sexual partners
She may have contracted sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, in part due to low self-worth and not caring about her well-being
Studies have shown that unwanted pregnancies or sex work are associated with sexual abuse, too
She might not want to have any discussion around sexual assault and harassment with you, or may go quiet when such conversations occur in a group setting
11. She might suffer from gynecological issues
A study on abuse and gynecologic health showed that 61% of raped or abused women had some form of sexual .dysfunction. Almost the same percentage had gynecologic problems. Your girlfriend may also be suffering from gynecological issues such as chronic pelvic pain, dyspareunia, vaginismus, and non-specific vaginitis.
She is less likely to have had regular Pap tests and may be reluctant to consult a doctor, often brushing off any ailment as something minor. She needs trauma-informed care from someone who understands that it’s not easy for her to get an invasive procedure like a Pap test.
Important resources for sexual abuse survivors
All mental health experts would agree that the consequences of sexual abuse are varied and long-lasting, and the road to recovery is long and fraught with difficulties. Below are some resources that can help you deal with this subject:
How To Approach The Topic Of Sexual Abuse With Your Girlfriend
Loving a sexual assault survivor means you need to be an ally to the movements where survivors and victims are believed. Should you suspect that your girlfriend has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in the past, take care in how you approach this topic with her. Some recommendations on how to handle this tactfully include:
Ensure that this conversation is attempted in a quiet and safe space with no distractions or interruptions
Start by letting her know of your concern and that you desire to support her
Helping your girlfriend through trauma recovery from sexual abuse will require plenty of knowledge and empathy on your part
You need to understand the fundamentals of support to create a consistently kind, nurturing environment where she feels safe and not judged
She will be more likely to open up when she is ready to talk about it, and trying to force her may achieve the opposite effect
Do not judge her, and be respectful of her boundaries
Whenever you hear on the news or in your social circle that someone has been abused, show her where your solidarity lies so she knows you are a consistently safe person to speak to
Address the issue of sexual abuse of your girlfriend with a lot of patience, love, and zero judgment
An anonymous author on Quora who had experienced sexual abuse had this to say about broaching the topic with a loved one: “It is important that you treat it in a matter-of-fact way and not as a stigma.” She adds that you should tell her there are plenty of people who have been through the same ordeal, and that she’s not alone.
The first step in achieving this, says Nandita, is acknowledging that there is an issue. The desire to move forward and seek help will only come after this. The ACOG website states clearly that traumatized patients generally benefit from mental health care. In this regard, your girlfriend’s obstetrician/gynecologist can be a powerful ally in helping her heal by offering support and referring her to a therapist with significant experience in dealing with abuse-related issues.
How To Help Your Girlfriend Heal From Sexual Trauma
Nandita reminds you that, as a partner, you need to be extremely sensitive to the fact that she has suffered past sexual abuse. Being sensitive requires you to have a high level of understanding of the issue. She suggests dealing with it very slowly, with much patience and care. One of the first things to remember is that every survivor is different, having been affected in a unique manner. This makes their journey in recovering from the trauma unique.
A Reddit user shares, “Don’t try and force her to talk about it if she isn’t ready. Keep making yourself available and be a good listener. Don’t treat her any differently, it could make her feel more alienated. Let her lead her own healing process, but be there to support her along the way.”
Here are some of the steps that you can take:
Go through survivor stories and research; learn about sexual abuse and its effects (during and after) and all the reasons a person doesn’t/can’t speak up
Be open-minded and attentive when listening to her
Never blame her. Tell her she didn’t deserve any of this
Focus on building trust with her by doing activities that make her feel safe and happy: As a team, adopt healthy habits such as eating healthy or regular exercise. Pick a hobby for couples and pursue it together
Avoid giving unsolicited advice
Avoid pressuring her when it comes to talking about the past
Avoid pressuring her when it comes to intimate matters. If you can’t do this, you should step away from the relationship gently
Encourage her to meet friends and family, and to maintain a journal
Don’t treat her like she’s fragile, and don’t pity her
Find out online or in-person support groups and share the information with her
Support Yourself While Supporting Your Girlfriend
Loving a sexual assault survivor is easy, if you’re a good ally to sexual abuse victims and survivors, regardless of their gender. But learning allyship, without pause, can drain you emotionally. Remember to take care of your emotional well-being and practice self-love. You can only help her if you are well, so do not hesitate to seek the help and support of friends and family, or your therapist.
Key Pointers
Here are some signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past: Difficulty with intimacy, either verbal or physical, different degrees of discomfort with sex, disturbed sleep, anxiety, or panic attacks
The long-term effects of sexual abuse vary widely and can affect a survivor in all areas of their life, from the physical to the mental as well as emotional
Dealing with a survivor of sexual abuse can be challenging and calls for a lot of understanding, empathy, and patience
Seeking help from a professional will go a long way in mitigating these challenges
Try to remain non-judgemental and patient in your dealings with her, and don’t associate her silence on this topic as an indication of lack of trust in you. If either of you needs support, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you. We know you both got this.
Are narcissists capable of love? This is a question that weighs on the minds of a lot of people who have endured the narcissistic love patterns of idealization, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering. If you’re wrestling with it too, know that you’re not alone.
We understand how emotionally draining and tumultuous a relationship with a narcissist can be. And it can leave you convinced that the person perpetuating all this chaos in your life cannot possibly be capable of love. However, in reality, a narcissist can technically love someone but their feelings are fleeting and superficial at best.
What does “fleeting and superficial” mean? How does it translate into their behavior in a relationship? To help you find the answers, let’s take a deeper look at the intricacies of a narcissist in love in consultation with California-based psychiatrist and Cognitive Behavior Therapist Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in psychiatry), who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues. But first, let’s make sure you understand who a narcissist really is.
Who Is A Narcissist?
The word narcissist is often casually thrown around to define anyone with an inflated need for admiration and attention, and a self-centered attitude. However, not everyone who enjoys more than a healthy dose of self-love is a narcissist.
Another common misconception is that exhibiting narcissistic behavior is the same as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, that’s far from the truth too. Narcissism exists on a spectrum and only people on the highest end of this spectrum are considered to have narcissistic personality disorder.
Preoccupation with fantasies about unlimited power, intelligence, beauty, or success
Excessive need for admiration
Sense of entitlement
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Dr. Batra says, “Narcissism is characterized by a lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, and incomplete sense of self-identity that results in a dysfunctional thought process, which is expressed outwardly as self-focused, unempathetic, and attention-seeking behavior.”
This distinction is important because according to a US-centric research, only 0.5%-5% of adults have NPD. If an individual has a few narcissistic tendencies, they may still be able to experience and express love almost the same way as any other person would. And if you’re with such a person, you wouldn’t be asking, “Is a narcissistic person capable of love?”
Sure, there may be some relationship challenges along the way. “However, these traits in people on the lower end of the narcissism spectrum are too mild to affect their ability to love another person. On the other hand, NPD traits impede a person’s ability to love another, at least in a way that most people understand love,” Dr. Batra adds.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s help you address a few other questions that will help you navigate your situation better: Are narcissists capable of love? How does a narcissist show love?
Narcissism and love rarely go well together. Sure, a narcissist, charming and charismatic as they are, may sweep you off your feet with their grand gestures and displays of love. At that stage, questions like are narcissists affectionate or how does a narcissist show love wouldn’t even cross your mind because the person in front of you feels just so perfect and right.
However, as narcissistic love patterns go, this stage — known as idealization and characterized by love-bombing — is often short-lived and transactional (contingent on how well and for how long it serves their need for narcissistic supply). Because of this, they struggle to maintain healthy connections in their life or genuine feelings for another person.
Narcissism and love rarely go well together
The bottom line is, it’s rare to see a narcissist fall in love permanently. So, if you’re wondering how to know if a narcissist loves you, ask yourself:
Do they take your needs and feelings into consideration?
Do they treat you with respect?
Do they take responsibility for their actions?
Can they appreciate you?
Do they honor your boundaries in the relationship?
Do they value your opinions and emotions?
And most importantly, are they able to put your needs first even in situations they stand to gain nothing in return?
If you’ve answered these questions in the affirmative, you have a narcissist in love with you. However, Dr. Batra warns, “The chances of that happening are slim to none in most cases because a narcissist can’t love unless they are willing to work on fixing their behavior and their thought patterns. This requires a great deal of self-reflection and introspection, which can be overwhelming and even a scary proposition for a narcissist.”
More often than not, a narcissist would much rather resort to scapegoating, gaslighting, and other manipulation tactics rather than do the inner work to break free from their patterns.
Are narcissists capable of love? This can be a tricky question to address because narcissistic love is often self-serving, much like every other aspect of their existence, and far removed from the notions of meaningful connections and healthy relationships that others associate with love.
Dr. Batra explains, “The problem about narcissists being capable of love stems from the fact that their cup of love to offer is already full. They only love themselves. The lack of love in the earlier days of life, especially from caregivers [parents] makes them struggle through their life to feel and be accepted. They function from a space of deficit.
“If you see it from an evolutionary standpoint their self-love is justified because they never got it from anyone. But in the real world, it is unreasonable, unacceptable, and outright dysfunctional. So they turn toward those who care for them — that’s why empaths and narcissists often attract one another — but the relationship is purely transactional and not the genuine love that you see elsewhere.
“They will give care and attention back but the moment this loved object opposes them or doesn’t feed their ego, they will outright reject them and feel miserable from within too.” So, to answer your question — is a narcissistic person capable of love? — not in the real sense of the word. Dr. Batra lists the reasons why a narcissist can’t love another person fully and whole-heartedly:
They do not care for or feel close to anyone because their brain is not geared to do so
They cannot look beyond their own needs
They possess such an overpowering self-preservation instinct that their hypervigilance and emotional reactivity to rejection makes them highly impulsive
Insecure inner working models make them perceive themselves as unworthy or unwanted
Pathologically uncomfortable in scenarios where they’re not the center of attention
“If there’s a narcissist in love with you, or at least claims to be, to assess the authenticity of their feelings, you need to look beyond their words — which they have a way with — and see how they treat you. If they actually treat you with respect, care, and concern, they may have some sort of feelings for you,” she adds.
Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that a narcissist can technically love another person but it won’t even be the wholesome, unconditional love you’d expect in an intimate relationship. They can’t genuinely love someone.
What does a narcissist think love is?
As we said, a narcissist can technically love but their idea of what love feels like can be skewed. Dr. Batra says, “Narcissistic love is devoid of the notion of reciprocity. For a narcissist, love is a means to seek external validation to boost their self-esteem and feel better about themselves. They continue to experience what they believe is love as long as this need is met. That’s why it’s rare to see a narcissist fall in love permanently.”
Narcissistic love is self-serving
If you’re wondering, “Can a narcissist love?”, know that what they perceive as love is aligned with their pervasive patterns of need for attention, self-importance, and admiration. A narcissist’s love, ultimately, boils down to:
Sense of entitlement that makes them feel that love is owed to them
Need for unconditional admiration from their partners
Grand displays of affection and expressions of undying love without any meaningful connection
An exhilarating sense of excitement that makes them feel good about themselves
This results in a superficial bond that often paves the way for a one-sided and toxic dynamic as the relationship progresses.
Are narcissists affectionate? Yes, a narcissist can be immensely affectionate, charming, disarming, and loving, especially at the beginning of a romance. But is a narcissistic person capable of love? I think, by now, you know the answer to that question is a clear, resounding no — at least, as long as you’re viewing their understanding and expression of love from the standpoint of what love looks like in a healthy relationship.
It’s crucial to be aware of this connection between narcissism and love to not get swept up by the way a narcissist shows love. According to Dr. Batra, this includes:
Being obsessed with the need to be adored and admired by their romantic partners
Sweeping them off their feet with gifts and compliments
Always saying the right things at the right time to charm and disarm
This results in an emotionally charged relationship that can be hard to sustain, resulting in intense highs and lows. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that this is primarily why narcissists fail at long-term, committed relationships but might excel at short-term dating.
What To Do If You’re In Love With A Narcissist
To live with a narcissist and be happy is like trying to fill a bucket with a giant hole at the bottom. If you’re in love with a narcissist, self-preservation should be your top priority and that begins by understanding that real love is not self-serving, exploitative, envious, or boastful. But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that’s what you get in the name of love. Peppered with toxicity, drama, and trauma. Because when a narcissist knows you love him/her, that’s why they unleash the whole gamut of their toxic tendencies on you.
You may find yourself at the receiving end of gaslighting, love bombing, manipulation, and even abuse. If things have escalated to the extent of abuse, you need to reach out for help.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
However, if you’ve spotted your partner’s narcissistic tendencies early on, there are ways to navigate the relationship and minimize the emotional harm it may cause you. While it may not be realistic to expect that you can live with a narcissist and be happy, the following steps can help you protect yourself:
Establish boundaries: It’s crucial to establish and enforce healthy relationship boundaries when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. If done early on, this can go a long way in keeping you safe from narcissistic abuse
Practice self-care: Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. Your partner’s need for admiration, attention, and adoration is a bottomless pit. You need to reset from time to time, reassess your priorities, and refocus on yourself
Educate yourself: Knowledge and awareness about what you’re dealing with is the best way to combat it effectively. Learn as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder and its ramifications on relationships. This will equip you to address relationship problems as they arise
Seek counseling: The emotional toll and trauma of being in love with a narcissist can be huge. Therapy offers a safe space for you to explore the many confusing emotions you may be struggling with and process them. The process can be immensely beneficial in helpful in identifying your own triggers, developing coping skills, and figuring out what you want for yourself
Encourage your partner to get help: NPD is a serious mental health disorder that requires the right treatment and help. However, people afflicted by it are often not open to the idea of seeking help because they are not ready to accept that something is wrong with them. While you can’t make your partner get the help they need, it can be helpful to encourage them to seek it by normalizing this idea for them
Key Pointers
A narcissist may not feel or express love in the same ways that others do because their brain is not geared to do so
While a narcissist may experience romantic feelings and love for someone, they just view it as a means of external validating and seeking an ego boost
A may continue to portray feelings of love for a person as long as they offer them their narcissistic supply through unconditional love and adoration
When a narcissist knows you love him/her, they may come at you with the whole gamut of their toxic tendencies — gaslighting, manipulation, abuse
To be able to deal with being in love with a narcissist, you must set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and seek professional help
All in all, narcissism and love don’t mix well. If you came here hoping for a different answer to “Are narcissists capable of love”, we’re sorry to have disappointed you. But opening your eyes to the reality of the situation is absolutely crucial for being able to deal with it to the best of your ability. And that’s what we’re here for. To help you find the answers and a way forward in even the grimmest looking circumstances in life.
“Why does my girlfriend hit me?” — Men hesitate to confess this personal crisis. A study says, “Domestic violence against men covers a broad range of violent acts such as physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.” It’s quite underreported due to the myths surrounding male survivors. According to the CDC, 1 in 10 men have experienced some form of intimate partner violence (IPV). The perpetrators could vary across genders.
Our expert, relationship coach Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, addresses the issue of domestic abuse, “Physical violence is absolutely wrong. Regardless of gender, education, or socio-economic status, violence must be treated with the same seriousness and outrage.”
We hope you never reach a stage during the course of your relationship where you find yourself asking, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me?” This article will tell you about 11 potential causes for your girlfriend’s violent behavior and offer helpful tips on how to handle this difficult scenario. By doing this, we intend to raise awareness around intimate partner abuse, encourage empathy, and give victims the confidence to get the support they deserve.
“My Girlfriend Hits Me” — 11 Possible Reasons Why You’re A Victim Of Domestic Violence
Many domestic violence offenders verbally, emotionally, or physically attack without provocation. Anyone who has witnessed domestic violence destroys a family or a relationship may be curious as to why someone would act in such a way in the first place.
Nandita answers, “Abuse frequently signifies a failure on a woman’s part to effectively express and regulate her emotions. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it could point to a problem with emotional control and communication.” What then are the primary reasons for abuse? What could be the causes of domestic violence in a relationship that seems happy? We discuss ahead.
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In order to look out for each other, we must be aware of the warning signs of domestic abuse in our families and neighborhoods. And if you are dealing with the “why does she hit me?” crisis personally, recognizing the signs of an abusive girlfriend is crucial for your well-being and safety in the relationship. Knowing these 11 possible reasons for domestic violence in a relationship will help you get ahead of the problem before it escalates even more.
1. Lack of communication skills
Some women may resort to violence when they struggle with effectively expressing their feelings and frustrations. They might not have learned healthy communication techniques or may have grown up in an environment where aggression was used as a means of communication. In such cases, domestic violence can become a way for them to convey their emotions or make their point when they feel unheard or dismissed.
Nandita suggests, “To address abuse, improving communication is essential. Selecting a time period in which there are no conflicts ensures that both the people can communicate without feeling very emotional or overwhelmed.”
2. Her abusive behavior stems from emotional issues
“My girlfriend is abusive, but I could only leave her after three months of going through that emotional pain. She was manipulative every day. And now she says she wants me to come back.” — Merc, a teacher from Pennsylvania, shares with us. A study states, “Female IPV perpetrators tend to engage in more coercive and controlling behavior than physical abuse.”
People with unresolved emotional problems or past traumas may have difficulty managing their emotions in a healthy way, creating a toxic relationship. These unresolved issues can manifest as intense anger, sadness, or anxiety, which can sometimes lead to outbursts of violence as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
3. She has anger management problems
Some ask, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me when she’s mad at something else?” Individuals with anger management problems struggle to control their anger when they become enraged. This can occur when they feel provoked or triggered by a situation or person. The problem can be exacerbated by a lack of awareness around coping skills or a history of unaddressed conflicts. If your girlfriend has anger issues, it should involve open communication and support from both sides, not violence.
4. Relationship stress can lead to her anger issues
“Is itokay for my girlfriend to hit me if I made a mistake?” NO. Ongoing conflicts and tension can create a hostile and emotionally charged environment. In such situations, emotions can build up over time, leading to heightened frustration and anger. Stressors such as financial problems, infidelity, or differing expectations can contribute to relationship abuse. Consider going to individual therapy or couple’s therapy in this case, instead of hitting your partner.
Nandita says, “In order to address and avoid violence in a relationship, it is crucial to understand a partner’s triggers and pinpoint the underlying reasons for the mental or physical abuse. There are different triggers, such as stress, unsolved issues, poor anger management, and old traumas that could lead to the relationship abuse inflicted by your girlfriend.”
5. She could be modeling the behavior she learned from family
If someone grew up in a household where violence was normalized, had an abusive parent, or witnessed family members resorting to violence as a means of resolving conflicts, they may be more likely to replicate that behavior in their own relationships. This is often a learned behavior, where individuals view violence as an acceptable or even expected way to deal with problems.
Nandita suggests, “A good starting point for dealing with male domestic violence in a relationship is making your partner understand the need for therapy to deal with deep-rooted issues. During the recovery period of the abuser, both partners must be compassionate and cooperate with each other in order to pinpoint triggers, pursue therapy as needed, and create more constructive dispute resolution techniques.”
6. Jealousy and insecurity have taken hold of her
Many may wonder, “Is it okay for my girlfriend to hit me if I flirt with someone?” The answer is a resounding no; violence is never acceptable — even if you’re micro-cheating on her. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can be powerful emotional triggers in a relationship. This person may become fearful of losing their partner or believe that their partner is being unfaithful. The aggressor may believe that using violence will prevent their partner from leaving or straying, even though such actions are harmful and counterproductive.
Substance abuse is a huge red flag in general, as it involves the excessive use of drugs or alcohol, which can have a significant impact on an individual’s behavior and decision-making. According to Nandita, when under the influence of these substances, a person may experience:
Impaired judgment
Reduced inhibitions
Decreased self-control
Intensified negative emotions, which amplifies conflicts
This leads to mental or physical violence as a way to cope with or respond to perceived threats or stressors. If you’re wondering “What should I do if my girlfriend hits me every time she is under the influence of alcohol or drugs?”, it’s crucial to take immediate action to ensure your safety. Tracy (name changed), a reader, wrote to us: “My toxic girlfriend beats me when she’s drunk. But it only happens once a month or so. Is my girlfriend abusive or should I be understanding?”
Yes, Tracy. Your partner is abusive. Nandita adds, “Aggression and impulsive behavior seem to rise with substance misuse. Drugs and alcohol have been shown to worsen underlying emotional problems. However, addiction treatment reduces hostility while also enhancing general mental and physical health.”
These are the possible reasons why you are facing domestic violence
8. “Why does my girlfriend hit me when I’m doing well in life?” For power and control
Do you often sit alone and wonder, “My girlfriend is abusing me ever since I asserted myself a little. Why does she do this?” Domestic violence is a deliberate pattern of behavior used to establish authority, superiority, and surveillance toward a partner.
Some control-freak women use violence as a means to assert power and control over their partners. This is often part of a pattern of abusive behavior aimed at maintaining dominance in the relationship. The abuser may employ various tactics, such as intimidation, threats, or isolation, to make sure the partner doesn’t leave them.
In some cases, past issues or unresolved resentments within the relationship can build up over time, creating a toxic emotional environment. When an individual holds onto these negative feelings without addressing or resolving them, they may release their frustration through physical aggression. Intimate partner violence is used as a way to express their pain, anger, and resentment in a relationship when they feel unable to communicate their emotions effectively.
Chess, a skater from L.A., shares with us, “One day, I finally gathered the courage to reach out to my friend: ‘Please don’t laugh at what I’m about to say. I’m serious. My girlfriend hits me, what should I do? I know she’s mad at me but she won’t tell me the reason.’ Reaching out to trusted people is essential, that’s what I’ve learned from my ordeal. Men face quite a lot of stigma in this area and are often mocked.”
10. She’s going through mental health issues
We’ve often heard people say “My girlfriend’s mental health is affecting me.” Underlying mental health issues can contribute to violent behavior in some individuals. Conditions such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Impulse Control Disorders, or any kind of mental illness can affect a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and impulses. Let’s talk about these disorders:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Individuals with BPD often struggle with intense mood swings, impulsivity, and unstable relationships. If she’s suffering from BPD, she may experience intense anger and fear of abandonment, which can lead to outbursts of violence as a way to manage her emotional turmoil or maintain relationships
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): People with ASPD may exhibit a pattern of aggressive behavior and manipulation in relationships. They may lack empathy and remorse, making it more likely for them to engage in violent acts without guilt or regret
Impulse Control Disorders: These disorders, such as intermittent explosive disorder (IED), are characterized by difficulty in controlling aggressive impulses. Such individuals may react violently to minor provocations or stressors, which is a huge sign of possible domestic abuse
Research on domestic violence against men, published in The National Library of Medicine, states that prevalence rates of domestic physical violence against men ranged from 3.4% to 20.3% and factors such as alcohol abuse, jealousy, mental illness, physical impairment, and short relationship duration are linked to a higher risk of men becoming victims of domestic violence.
This is one of the key signs of an abusive girlfriend. In certain cultures or communities, physical aggression may be viewed as a legitimate way to resolve disputes or assert dominance. However, this normalization of abuse can create an environment where violent behavior is not only accepted but expected in certain situations. Here’s how it can impact individuals and relationships:
Difficulty identifying abuse: Victims of domestic violence in cultures or communities where violence is normalized behind closed doors may have difficulty identifying that they are being abused. They may rationalize or downplay the violence, not making a big deal out of it and believing it’s a customary way of resolving conflicts; so the abuse continues
Acceptance of violence: When intimate partner violence is normalized, individuals may grow up believing that physical aggression is a normal and acceptable response to conflicts. This acceptance can make it challenging for them to recognize that such behavior is abusive and harmful, deteriorating their mental health. They may be less likely to seek help or intervention when they are victims of violence. This takes a hit on their self-esteem
Breaking free from the cycle of normalized violence often requires education, strong mental health, and awareness of relationship dynamics. Communities and organizations that work to raise awareness about domestic violence can play a crucial role in helping individuals recognize and address abusive behavior.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Is It Normal For My Girlfriend To Hit Me?
It goes without saying that physical abuse in a romantic relationship is aberrant and completely unacceptable, much like emotional abuse and mental abuse. Respect for each other, trust in one another, empathy, and open communication are qualities that define happy, safe, and loving partnerships. You’re not in a relationship to be your partner’s punching bag.
An excerpt from an issue of The British Journal of Criminology clearly states, “Some research findings reveal that women are as likely as men to perpetrate violence against an intimate partner.” Conflicts and disagreements are an inevitable element of human contact in a good relationship, but not abuse or violence. For scenarios of domestic violence, a coercive control checklist will prove to be a good paradigm for a professional to assess your state.
Have they ever hit you? If yes, did they make you feel it was your fault?
By using this checklist, professionals and individuals can better recognize and address situations of coercive control, promoting healthier and safer relationships. No one should put up with abuse, and seeking support and assistance is not a show of weakness; rather, it is a brave move toward ending a damaging cycle.
What To Do If Your Girlfriend Hits You — 7 Ways To Protect Yourself
Remember, playful hitting is different from violence. You may ask, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me on my shoulder with love?” Tell us this. Does it harm you? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does she keep going even if you’re not in the mood to be teased? If not, then you’re still in a healthy relationship. But if you find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend is physically harming you, it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. Dealing with an aggressive girlfriend requires taking steps to protect your well-being and seeking help.
Nandita says, “Seeking expert assistance is crucial when a girlfriend starts to severely mistreat you in your own home. Professionals have the knowledge to delve deeply into the psychological, behavioral, and emotional factors behind the violence. To effectively address these challenges, they can provide direction, methods, and therapeutic approaches.”
Although ending an abusive relationship can be difficult, it is a brave move toward guaranteeing your health and taking back control of your life. Here are seven steps to protect yourself from physical abuse:
1. Remove yourself from immediate danger
“My girlfriend slapped me twice in a week. I went numb. I kept thinking of reasons why my girlfriend is mad at me instead of calling her out on her abusive behavior,” shares Pete (name changed), a reader from New Jersey. If this happens to you, prioritize your physical safety.
If possible, leave the immediate vicinity to avoid further harm. Keep an escape plan ready if you are in a domestic partnership. Go to a public place or a friend or family member’s house if you can. Try to remain calm and discuss the worst-case scenarios with your loved one(s) to get them out of your head.
2. Call the authorities
“My girlfriend beats me” is not something we hear often, and societal stigma plays a huge role here. Contact the authorities or emergency services if you are in immediate danger or have been injured. Law enforcement can and should ensure your safety and provide you with legal protection without disbelieving you.
Addressing this relationship issue immediately is very crucial for you. If you have been injured, seek medical attention promptly. It’s essential to document any injuries, as this can be important if you decide to involve the legal system. Especially if you think your partner can perpetuate violence again.
4. Talk to someone you trust
A case study in the International Journal of Environment, Ecology, Family and Urban Studies (IJEEFUS) discussed that men find it much harder to get out of the trauma of violence because of the disbelief and stereotyped reaction from their friends and families. Which is why we cannot overemphasize the importance of seeking help.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who can provide emotional validation, support, and guidance. Share your experience with someone who can help you through this difficult time. We hope, with time, you go from “Why does my girlfriend hit me?” to “I need to get out of this relationship.”
5. Consider a restraining order
Nothing good can come from staying with someone who hit you. If you fear for your safety and need legal protection, consult with an attorney about obtaining a restraining order or a protective order against your girlfriend. This can legally prevent her from approaching you or your residence or workplace.
It’s not normal for your girlfriend to hit you and this problem should be addressed immediately
6. Document the abuse
A common question: “My girlfriend is abusing me, what should I do to prove that?”Keep a record of any incidents of physical abuse, including photos, videos, dates, times, locations, and descriptions of what occurred. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to involve law enforcement or seek a restraining order.
Reach out to a therapist who specializes in domestic violence or relationship issues. If you have been contemplating, “Why does my girlfriend hit me?”, then seeking such guidance can help you navigate the maze of questions in your head. Just so you know, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.
Nandita says, “Because counselors maintain strict secrecy, seeking counseling in situations of domestic violence can create a safe environment. Restraining orders, contacting law authorities to protect immediate safety, or requesting aid from domestic violence shelters and support organizations are just a few examples of legal actions that can be taken.”
Key Pointers
No matter one’s gender, educational qualifications, or ‘status’ in society, anyone can be a perpetrator or victim of abuse. Safety should always come first
Using physical force in relationships is never acceptable and can result in physical and emotional scarring that lasts a lifetime
Violent outbursts of your girlfriend can be a coping mechanism for excessive anger or anxiety brought on by unresolved emotional difficulties and past traumas
Hostility in a partner might accumulate as a result of relationship stress, disputes, or tension, which can cause emotional outbursts and occasional physical violence
To address the root causes of abuse and create coping and healing methods, professional assistance is advised
Seek help from the law or friends/family or social services, document the abuse, get a restraining order, or move out of your house to somewhere safe to get yourself out of harm’s way
The act of violence within a romantic relationship is a deeply concerning issue that demands both attention and action. While it is essential to understand some of the possible reasons behind domestic violence, it is equally crucial to emphasize that there is never a valid justification for abuse.
Recognizing that you are a victim of domestic violence is the first step toward seeking help and taking action to protect yourself. It is essential to reach out to professionals, support networks, and organizations dedicated to assisting individuals facing domestic violence. It is equally important for society as a whole to raise awareness about domestic violence, challenge harmful gender stereotypes, and promote healthy relationship dynamics. Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging situation.
A lot has been written (and read) about the phenomenon of gaslighting. Accusations and counter arguments, such as, “I never said that,” “You have a crazy imagination,” “Stop being so hysterical,” and “I was just joking,” hold so much more power than imagined. They make you doubt your own version of events, retreat into a shell, and even question your own sanity. Subtle gaslighting phrases in a relationship are used to confuse and control. Using them, a person can manipulate others into taking the blame and not be held accountable. And it needs to stop! Every person has the innate right to set their own boundaries and prioritize their well-being. With this in mind, here are 33 phrases to shut down gaslighting and turn the situation around to your advantage.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is defined as: “the subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity.” It’s indeed an insidious form of abuse and can begin subtly and slowly. What may start off as ‘correcting’ your behavior can turn into full-blown invalidation of your feelings in no time at all.
The act of gaslighting is one used to assert dominance over another. Bullies (and narcissists) resort to gaslighting phrases used to confuse and control as a common tactic to play the reverse victim, create confusion, and demolish another’s self-esteem. It can be viewed as a form of emotional abuse and can negatively impact the mental health of the victim.
It is important to note that gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships, not just in romantic ones. Parents, adult children, work colleagues, and friendships can all fall prey to the manipulation tactic of gaslighting (and its emotional impact). How do you recognize you are being gaslit? Well, there are definite signs, but before anything, you need to take a long, hard, and honest look at your situation and be ready to face the consequences when you shut down a mean person. If you notice any of the following, you may be prey to a gaslighter in your life:
You feel confused as if something is wrong, but you are unsure what it is
Your feelings are constantly invalidated
There is a lack of accountability in your life
There is too much criticism
The other person avoids taking responsibility for their actions
If you constantly feel invalidated, you are probably being gaslit in a relationship
What Phrases Would A Gaslighter Usually Say?
Are you seeing a common thread in all the signs mentioned? Do you recognize that a gaslighter operates by identifying your weakness and exploiting it to their advantage?
If you have been the victim of any or all of the phrases below, and you want to know how to stop unintentional gaslighting, it may be time for you to speak out or ask for help on how to shut down a gaslighter to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship:
You are overreacting with your overactive imagination
You are too emotional
Stop exaggerating. You are crazy
You are hysterical / over dramatic / sensitive
You are not making sense
You are being paranoid
Everyone knows you are unstable
I was joking; stop making such a big deal
I am the real victim here, so stop acting like one
Recognizing these statements and seeing them for what they are — psychological abuse — is the first step toward how to destroy a gaslighter. If you have been a victim of gaslighting in a relationship for a while, it may be especially difficult for you to muster up the courage to talk back, know what to say to a gaslighting spouse/partner, or even acknowledge your own feelings as true. But we are here to say that we believe in you and that you can do it! No one deserves to have their own feelings invalidated. So, read on to know how to fight back.
33 Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an abusive behavior and a bullying tactic and needs to be stopped in its tracks at the very onset. It is important that you don’t give in to the abuser. You should nither start believing their comments or changing your ‘negative’ behavior. The only way of responding to gaslighting is by fighting fire with fire. It is time to face the abuser head on and be armed with your own set of powerful phrases to shut down the gaslighting. This could take practice and effort, but in the end, like all bullies do when called out, the abusive partner’s behavior can be defused. Here are 33 phrases to shut down gaslighting in a relationship to empower your own narrative:
I know what’s best for me and will avoid taking responsibility for your actions.
I would like to take a break from this conversation.
I know you are angry. I am angry too.
I’m not responding to that.
I’m making this decision for myself.
These phrases can help you stand your ground and assert your own reality. While they may not always magically halt a gaslighter in their tracks, they can help you communicate better and more powerfully and take care of your own well-being and mental health.
You could even rehearse your replies in anticipation of future conversations
Trust your instincts and respond accordingly
Start a journal to keep track of events and reduce self-doubt
Set clear-cut boundaries about what can happen and what is not acceptable
Have confidence in your ability to disagree with others and not have to seek validation
Keep eye contact throughout to gain power during your conversation
Educate yourself and read up about bullying, narcissism, emotional abuse, and gaslighting
Take care of your emotional well-being through self-care and mindfulness practices
Seek help through counseling and support groups, or speak to a mental health professional
Key Pointers
Gaslighting is the phenomenon that makes you question your own mind and version of reality
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse and can have a detrimental impact on one’s mental health and well-being
People who gaslight tend to use a stock set of phrases and accusations
Once you realize that you are being gaslit, you can respond by strengthening your own memory of reality and fighting back
There are phrases to shut down a narcissist and boost your narrative to not bow down to these bullying tactics
Dr. Robin Stern, the author of The Gaslight Effect, said about gaslighting in a helpful article: “When people are abused, there are signs that you can point to that are much more obvious. For instance, someone who has been hit or threatened can easily see and understand how they have been hurt. But when someone manipulates you, you second-guess yourself and turn your attention to yourself as the person to blame.” We live in times when we can’t even decide what is and isn’t real. So, it becomes equally important to learn these phrases to shut down gaslighting and hold on to our own sense of reality. We need to recognize the manipulation of emotions and bullying for what they are. Only then can we stick to our own resolutions and protect our mental health.
It’s a measure of Donald Trump’s hold on the Republican Party that his unprecedented criminal indictment is strengthening, not loosening, his grip.
Trump was on the defensive after November’s midterm election because many in the GOP blamed voter resistance to him for the party’s disappointing results. But five months later he has reestablished himself as a commanding front-runner in the Republican presidential primary, even as Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has delivered the first of what could be several criminal indictments against him.
“It’s almost like an abusive relationship in that certain segments of MAGA voters recognize they want to leave, they are willing to leave, but they are just not ready to make that full plunge,” the GOP consultant John Thomas told me.
Trump’s ability to surmount this latest tumult continues one of the defining patterns of his political career. Each time Trump has shattered a norm or engaged in behavior once unimaginable for a national leader—such as his praise of neo-Nazi demonstrators in Charlottesville, Virginia, in 2017 and his role in trying to overturn the 2020 election result and instigating the January 6 insurrection—most Republican elected officials and voters have found ways to excuse his actions and continue supporting him.
“At every point when the party had a chance to move in a different direction, it went further down the Trump path,” Stuart Stevens, the chief strategist for Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign, told me.
Trump’s latest revival has dispirited his Republican critics, who believed that the party’s discouraging results in November’s election had finally created a pathway to forcing him aside. Now those critics find themselves in the worst of both worlds, facing signs that Trump’s legal troubles could simultaneously increase his odds of winning the GOP nomination and reduce his chances of winning the general election.
Coincidentally, the former president’s indictment came on the same day that Wisconsin voters sent the GOP a pointed reminder about the party’s erosion in white-collar suburbs during the Trump era. The victory of the liberal candidate Janet Protasiewicz in an election that gave Democrats a 4–3 majority on the state supreme court continued a clear trend away from Republicans since Trump unexpectedly captured Wisconsin in 2016. En route to a double-digit victory, she won more than 80 percent of the vote in economically thriving and well-educated Dane County (which includes the state capital of Madison), more than 70 percent in Milwaukee County, and she dramatically cut the Republican margin in the Milwaukee suburbs, which the GOP had dominated before Trump.
Protasiewicz’s resounding victory followed a similar formula as the Democrats’ wins last November in the governorship races in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. In all three states, Democrats beat a Republican gubernatorial candidate whom Trump had backed. Like Protasiewicz’s victory yesterday, each of those 2022 results showed how the Trump stamp on the GOP, as well as Republican support for banning abortion, has allowed Democrats to regain an advantage in these crucial Rust Belt swing states. Those Rust Belt defeats last November, as well as losses for Trump-backed candidates in Arizona and Georgia, two other pivotal swing states, sparked a greater level of public GOP backlash against Trump than he’d faced at almost any point in his presidency.
Amid Republican frustration over the midterm results, Trump started to look like a former Las Vegas headliner who had been reduced to playing Holiday Inns somewhere off the New Jersey turnpike. Many of his former fans turned on him. Two days after the election, The Wall Street Journal ran an editorial whose headline flatly declared, “Trump Is the Republican Party’s Biggest Loser.” The New York Postran a front-page cartoon picturing Trump as a bloated “Trumpty Dumpty” who “had a great fall” in the election. Fox News reduced Trump’s visibility on the network so sharply that he did not appear on its programs between Sean Hannity interviews on September 22, 2022, and March 27, 2023, according to tracking by the progressive group Media Matters for America.
It wasn’t just the Rupert Murdoch–verse that showed signs of Trump fatigue. Powerful interest groups such as the Club for Growth and the donor network associated with the Koch family openly called for Republicans to put Trump in the rearview mirror.
Even when Trump formally announced his 2024 candidacy, a week after the election at his Mar-a-Lago resort, the event had a frayed, musty feel. “On vivid display in this chapter of Trump’s life and political rise and (perhaps) fall,” Politico wrote, “was a crowd that was thick with ride-or-die conspiracists and conspicuously light on more prominent and powerful figures from the party he once totally held in his thrall.” Trump’s speech that night was a greatest-hits set delivered without conviction.
Trump’s first few weeks as an announced candidate didn’t project any more energy or verve. “The Trump thing looked kind of haggard and worn,” Sarah Longwell, the founder of the anti-Trump Republican Accountability Project, told me. “It was deprived of any of its pizzazz. ” In her focus groups with GOP voters, Longwell said, former Trump voters “weren’t done with him [and] they weren’t mad at him,” but they were expressing an emotion that probably would horrify Trump even more: “People did feel a little bored.”
From November through about mid-February, both state and national polls consistently showed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis gaining on Trump. Thomas, who started a super PAC encouraging DeSantis to run, said that in the midterm’s immediate aftermath, he saw polls and focus groups that suggested GOP voters had reached “an inflection point” on Trump. Concerns about his future electability, Thomas said, outweighed their support for his policies or his combative demeanor. Thomas believes that DeSantis’s landslide reelection in Florida created “such a stark contrast” to the widespread defeat of Trump-backed candidates that many GOP voters started to view the Florida governor as a better bet to win back the White House. “That’s why you saw such huge movement in state and local polling over the next few months,” Thomas told me.
But that movement away from Trump seemed to crest in late February or early March—and polls since have shown the current inside the GOP steadily flowing back toward him.
Republicans both supportive and critical of Trump remain somewhat unsure about why the polls shifted back in his direction at that point. But Trump’s revival did coincide with him visibly campaigning more, starting with his truculent appearance at the Conservative Political Action Conference in March. Even by Trump’s overheated standards, his latest rallies have offered incendiary new policy proposals, such as more federal intervention to seize control of law enforcement in Democratic cities. He now routinely declares that he will serve as his voters’ “warrior” and as their “retribution.”
Trump also made a more explicit and extended argument against DeSantis; the former president has simultaneously attacked DeSantis from the left (calling him a threat to Social Security and Medicare) and the right (portraying him as a clone of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan). Many Republicans, meanwhile, thought DeSantis looked unsteady as he took his first national tour, to promote his new book. DeSantis flipped from emulating Trump’s skepticism of aiding Ukraine to (somewhat) distancing himself from his rival’s position; then, regarding the Manhattan indictment, DeSantis flopped from lightly criticizing Trump to unreservedly defending him.
DeSantis’s “stumble on Ukraine” in particular “really caused more traditional Republicans to doubt whether he was the best alternative to Trump,” Whit Ayres, a GOP pollster, told me.
Around the same time, almost all of the other announced and potential GOP candidates, such as former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley and former Vice President Mike Pence, rushed to defend Trump against the pending indictment—before seeing the charges. Former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, who has announced his candidacy, and former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who’s still considering the race, have been the only potential 2024 contenders to criticize Trump in any way over the indictment.
Longwell says the candidates who have chosen to rally around Trump have boxed themselves into an untenable position. With Trump’s legal challenges now dominating both conservative and mainstream media, if the other Republican contenders do nothing but echo Trump’s accusations against those investigating him, “it creates this dynamic where all of the other 2024 contenders actually end up being supporting cast members in Donald Trump’s drama, and there is no other room for them to make an affirmative case for why they should be the 2024 nominee,” Longwell told a television interviewer this week.
Fox and other conservative media have boosted Trump by echoing his claim that prosecutors were targeting him to silence his voters—the same argument those outlets made after the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago to recover classified documents last summer, notes Matt Gertz, a senior fellow at Media Matters. Those outlets “are reinforcing his position by telling their viewers that if they don’t defend Donald Trump, the left will be coming for them next,” Gertz told me. “That’s a very potent, very powerful argument, and one that really cuts off a lot of potential avenues” for Trump’s GOP critics and rivals.
The reluctance by most declared and potential 2024 GOP hopefuls to criticize Trump over the indictment extends their refusal to publicly articulate any case for why the party should reject him. “As a rule of thumb, if you are running against someone and you are afraid to say your opponent’s name, that’s not a positive sign,” Stuart Stevens told me.
One reason Trump’s rivals have been so reticent is that there is not much room in a GOP primary to criticize Trump over policy. On issues such as immigration and international trade, “it is incredibly difficult to create real daylight on policy, because he’s a good fit for the primary electorate,” John Thomas told me. That’s probably even more true now than in 2016, because Trump’s blustery messages tend to attract non-college-educated voters and drive away white-collar voters.
Even so, Whit Ayres said that in his polling, only about one-third of GOP primary voters are immovable Trump supporters. He estimates that only about one-tenth are irrevocably opposed to him. Ayres classifies the remaining 55 to 60 percent of the GOP coalition as “Maybe Trump” voters who are not hostile to him but are open to alternatives.
Trump has reached 50 percent support in some recent national polls of GOP voters, but more often he attracts support from about 40 percent of Republicans. That was roughly the share of the vote that Trump won while the race was competitive in 2016, but he captured the nomination anyway, because none of his rivals could consolidate enough of the remaining 60 percent.
Many of Trump’s Republican critics see the 2024 field replicating the mistakes of his 2016 opponents. The other candidates’ refusal to make a clear case against Trump echoes the choice by the 2016 candidates to avoid direct confrontation with him for as long as possible.
Now, as then, GOP strategists think Trump’s rivals are reluctant to engage him directly because they want to be in position to inherit his voters if he falters. Rather than face the danger of a full-scale confrontation with Trump, the 2024 candidates all are hoping that events undermine him, or that someone else in the field confronts him. “They all want to be the one that the alligator eats last,” says Matt Mackowiak, a GOP consultant and the chair of the Republican Party in Travis County, Texas.
But every Republican strategist I spoke with agreed that a key lesson of 2016 is that Trump won’t deflate on his own; the other candidates must give voters a reason to abandon him. Mackowiak, like Thomas and Longwell, told me that the prospect of multiple indictments could exacerbate Trump’s greatest potential primary weakness—concerns about his electability—but it’s unlikely that enough voters will consider him too damaged to win unless the other candidates explicitly make that case. “For Trump to pay a political price for all this uncertainty and the legal vulnerability he’s facing, Republican challengers are going to have to force that,” Mackowiak said.
Nor is it clear that enough GOP voters will turn on Trump even if they do come to doubt his electability. Trump’s Republican critics fear that the cumulative weight of all the investigations he’s confronting will lower his ceiling of support and diminish his ability to win another general election. But a CNN poll last month found that only two-fifths of Republican primary voters put the highest priority on a candidate who can win the general election, while nearly three-fifths said they were most concerned with picking a nominee who agrees with them on issues. Katon Dawson, a former chair of the South Carolina Republican Party now supporting Haley, told me that “Republicans don’t care” about electability when voting in primaries. “They vote their values; they vote their wants and needs,” he said. “I’ve never ever seen them say ‘I am going to vote for who I think is the most electable.’”
Trump’s rivals for the nomination still have many months left to formulate a case against him, particularly once the GOP presidential debates begin in August. But for Republicans resistant to Trump, the months since the November midterm have reversed the trajectory of the seasons. As winter began, many were blooming with optimism about moving the party beyond him. Now, as spring unfolds, they are seeing those hopes wither—and confronting the full measure of just how difficult it will be to loosen Trump’s hold on the GOP.
“I’ve always believed Trump was going to be the nominee,” Stevens said. “Within so much of what we used to call the Republican establishment, there is still this denial” even after all these years of dealing with the former president “that Trumpism is what the party wants to be.”
