Should I Use My Maternity Leave To Set A Good Example For Other Women?

Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues–everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.

I am pregnant and live in a state that lets me take maternity leave from 36 weeks pregnant to 18 weeks after the date I give birth. Not all of this is paid, but much of it is and I could take the rest unpaid or apply my banked PTO.  approximately 10 weeks depending on the nature of the birth are paid disability, an additional six weeks are paid family leave, and, for the remaining time I could potentially take off, I could either take it unpaid or apply my banked PTO.

I was discussing plans with my mom, and she thinks that because I am a woman in a leadership role, I should consider taking the entire allowed leave, to set a positive example for the women who report under me. Her take is that if I take a short leave, perhaps other women will feel pressured to take a shorter leave themselves, and it’s my duty as a woman to lead by example and prioritize the importance of family leave.

I … am not sure. On the one hand, I totally get it. I wouldn’t want one of my staff to feel pressured to take less leave because she was trying to prove herself, either to me or to the company. On the other, while I do think leading by example is important, I also think that part of that would naturally be doing what is best for me, my family, and my career. I may take the maximum allowed leave regardless, but I’m unsure if this should be a factor.

Should women in leadership roles factor the impact of their decisions on the potential decisions of those watching them into their grand scheme life choices?

Isn’t it interesting how men are never told they need to alter their own decisions for themselves and their families because of the example it will set for other men? It’s only women — already dealing with sexism in all its manifestations — who are told they also have this additional burden of setting an example for other women. It’s exhausting.

I’m not blaming your mom. This is a really common perspective, and it obviously comes from a good place.

And it’s true that it’s smart to consider what kind of example you’re modeling for people around you. For example, it makes sense to be thoughtful about not always participating in office “housekeeping” duties if the men around you generally don’t (bringing in the coffee for meetings, cleaning up after meetings when it’s not your job, being the sole note-taker, etc.). But in those cases, you’re not denying yourself a big thing that you want just to set an example for someone else.

When the thing in question is much larger — like how much maternity leave you want to take — you can and should make that decision based on what works for you and your family. You are not obligated to subvert your own needs in order to set an example for other women. Do what works for you! As you wrote, part of leading by example is doing what works best for you.

That said … if you do decide to take less leave than the maximum you’re allowed, make sure that you’re finding other ways to reinforce for people under you (men and women) that you support them in taking more if they want to. For example, when you announce how you’re structuring your leave, you could add something like, “For anyone who doesn’t know, our state has some of the best laws in the nation on this, and if you’re ever taking parental leave and want to take more time, you can take up to X weeks. As a company we strongly support you in doing that!” And you pay attention to other messages you might be sending people about time off — making sure, for example, that you encourage people to take time away from work, that you protect their off-hours time from work interruptions as best as you can, and that you don’t nickel and dime people on leave.

I hope you enjoy your new baby and your maternity leave, however much of it you decide to take.