Sexual shaming impacts all women – here's how we can eradicate it

Fox Weber says: “A young woman can be labelled as inappropriate for showing too much of herself — for being too desirable — and older women can be shamed for having sexual wants, the whole ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ concept. And yet it’s nearly impossible to get it right, to be respectable and still sexually honest, in a sense. When women don’t desire their partners sexually, there can be so much shame, and guilt. There’s pressure to be satisfied and satisfying, and admitting disappointment about sex, even to oneself, can be daunting.”

It’s not getting better, either: “Slut shaming is still hugely prevalent. Sadly, the whole mother, Madonna whore complex is still rampant in our attitudes. When a woman becomes a mother, she’s not supposed to prioritise sexual pleasure, or even have a sexual identity in a certain way. Not if she wants to be a ‘good’ mother. And going the other way, when someone is maternal and nurturing and domestic, she may be loveable but less desirable, less exciting, to the person in a relationship with her. Women with young children still get in a lot of trouble if they dare step out of their role of what they’re supposed to be. And overly sacrificial mothers lose a sense of sexual visibility.”

Shallcross echoes this, telling me: “It can manifest as shaming women for the number of sexual partners she has, using the word ‘slut’ in order to shame and holding stigmatising views of sex workers.  It can also manifest as ‘what were you wearing?’ type questions in response to sexual assault.  As such, it places blame on women and girls who are victims of sexual violence instead of laying blame at the door of male perpetrators.”

The dangers of sexual shaming

We spoke to Katie Salmon, the ex-Love Island contestant who later became a top 1% creator on Only Fans and now works with Red Umbrella, a charity supporting sex workers, about what she’s learned about the dangers of sexual shaming throughout her career. “The threat of sexual shaming can force girls and women to live in fear of bullying, rejection and low self-esteem,” she says. “It encourages a culture of misogyny, which can increase instances of violence and crimes to against women and girls.”

As an OnlyFans creator, Salmon encountered abusive sexual shaming constantly. “A lot of men can get nasty when you don’t give them what they want or for the price they want,” she says. “This perceived shame around sex can also deter people in sex work or experiencing sexual exploitation from reaching out for help and reporting instances of violence and crimes against them through fear of being humiliated or ‘outed.’”

How can we combat sexual shaming?

According to Salmon, there is hope — and we can all play a part in stopping sexual shaming in its tracks.

Normalise talking about it

“Sex is a natural part of life but by breaking down the stigmatisation around sex and sexuality, is to feel empowered and confident to talk about sex — everyone has a right to feel safe and comfortable. Educating yourself on what’s ‘normal’ and what can be seen as a ‘red flag’ can equip you with the tools to ask for support, help or advice and assert your boundaries,” she says.

Listen without judgement

Judgement is often the first step in shaming. “When someone confides in you or opens up about their personal experiences with you, listen without judgment,” Salmon suggests. “Just as you would want to feel validated and supported, as does that person.”

Start with the inner work – remember you don’t deserve shame

We should also all do our own internal work to ensure that we aren’t shaming ourselves about our sex lives. “Nothing heals without you examining the shame and guilt and with that practising self-compassion — it’s trusting that we are worthy, replacing that shame with love and acceptance,” she says.

Journaling

Another useful practice is simply keeping a journal.

“I know from my mental health struggles and looking at ways to help, journalling was one to combat anxiety and guilt,” says Salmon. “To take the intrusive thoughts flooding our mind and make sense of the possible trauma that has happened to understand your thoughts more clearly.”