Setting Digital Boundaries in Relationships: Navigating Flirty Texts and Workplace Friendships – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

A few year agos my wife struck up friendship with a guy she worked with. I was bit wary to begin with, as the friendship seemed to develop very quickly and the amount of after work correspondence seemed to be relatively frequent. Mainly just messaging, but the occasional phone call (generally relating to work) and the odd night out as part of a group.

He has since moved on to another job, however they still remained in touch. Not as frequently as they once were. But a friendship was still established. She knew I was a bit wary about this guy. I have had a bit of a history of jealousy. Perhaps due to hangovers from previous relationships and how they ended. However she’d always assured me they were just friends. He was happily married with kids. As was she.

Not my finest moment, but after a particularly suspicious event, I checked my wife’s messages. There was a flirty exchange between the two of them. It was all wrapped up in a jokey tone and was very innuendo based. However the context was of a sexual nature. He appeared to be insinuating things he’d like to do with her sexually, and she was, not exactly participating, but leading him on to some extent and responding positively to it. There was also evidence messages had been deleted.

I immediately catastrophized the situation in my mind and thought the worst. I basically asked her what was going on. She claimed, occasionally, usually when he’d had a few drinks. He would message her telling her how hot she is, or messages her inappropriate things involving her. Apparently it had been occasional and been going on for a while, and she just accepted it as part and parcel of the friendship. It’s just something he did occasionally.

I asked her why she didn’t just ignore, or shut it down or have a conversation with him about it being inappropriate. She admitted she was stupid to essentially go along with it. She’s got self esteem issues and said she enjoyed the attention to some extent, and as it was all done in a jokey manner, she didn’t read anything into it and it was essentially meaningless.

From what I can gather it was all done between then privately (when I wasn’t around) and she deleted all (except what I saw) interactions, because she knew I’d been suspicious of this guy for a while, and didn’t want me to get upset. She claims no photos were exchanged and absolutely nothing physical ever happened and it was purely some occasional drunk flirty banter between then.

I messaged this guy myself and advised he stop messaging my wife immediately, and when he responded, I got his side of the story which mirrored what my wife had told me. Occasional drunk flirty banter. Mainly initiated by him. I’ve been struggling to accept my wife’s participation in it, no matter how minimal.

I do feel there’s some catastrophizing on my part but also feel there’s potentially some minimizing on my wife’s part when she’s telling me the extent of it. I just wondered if anyone can relate to this? Or has any advice?

Suspicious Spouse Seeking Solace

Dear Suspicious Spouse Seeking Solace,

In this situation, it is best to have a candid talk with your wife. She knows your tendency toward jealousy, but it would be better for her to understand why you would prefer to know rather than not know if it happens again.

Knowing about a flirty relationship has a paradoxical effect in a mature relationship. Knowing when it happens allows the spouse to have a “peak behind the curtain” to understand what is happening and why. People who have nothing to hide have, well, nothing to hide. And if she has to “handle you” because she knows you get jealous, it is time for you to talk about boundaries and how she expects you to react to the news, as well as what you expect from her.

But it can sometimes be challenging to specify what is “over the line” when it comes to flirty texts. A good rule of thumb is to imagine that the man or woman is talking to your spouse in front of you. 

• Would you be fine with them showing up at 11 pm, while you are in bed, and telling your spouse they’ve missed them and look forward to seeing them in the am? What if they were talking about a business meeting they’re having tomorrow and want to remind them about an important point?
• Would you be okay with a friend from work interrupting a lunch the two of you are having (sitting down at your table) to engage in back-and-forth banter for 20 minutes?
• How about walking into a bar where you two are having a drink and handing you and your spouse a picture of them in a bathing suit?

When you imagine this happening in person, it becomes clearer what is appropriate and what is not. If it is hard to imagine the guy handing you a picture of his tanned bod, maybe he shouldn’t sent it to your wife either. I know that’s not what happened, but I’m speaking to the audience, not just this particular situation.

This, by the way, goes for anyone: a sibling, parent, best friend, or boss. If they won’t physically walk in to deliver the message, or if the message just isn’t that urgent, it can wait.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K