“There is a season for all things . . . a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; . . . a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:2–4).
The seasonal weather changes are comparable to the seasons of life. And as I write this I’m caught in between two seasons – mourning and dancing.
I’m mourning the passing of my grandfather and dancing for my baby that is yet to be born.
We received the news that my grandfather had pancreatic cancer back in September 2020. He was a strong and mentally sharp man at the age of 85. We all bet that he would at least reach 100, but life had different plans.
Seeing him wither from a robust man to one of bones and gasping for air was very difficult and painful to witness. Although, he was a fortunate man who lived a full life and got to see his grandchildren marry and have grandbabies.
His last two wishes was for me to get pregnant and see my newborn baby.
I had been married for 2 years and being in my 40’s some people had assumed that I was having difficulties conceiving or didn’t want a baby. But neither were true.
I’m going to bookmark here; for no apparent reason, deep down in my heart, I had a deep belief and knowing that I would naturally get pregnant right away. There were no signs or evidence to back up my belief, I just had this knowing at believed it.
If you’ve read my book Self Love Junkie: How to Love Yourself & Your Life For a Happier You on page 87, I wrote about how powerful our beliefs are and that Indian women in remote islands of Mexico would naturally get pregnant in their 50s and 60s.
Even though, when I was single and in my 30’s I went to see a hormonal specialist and he asked me if I wanted to have children. I said sure. And he told me to hurry up because when I reach 40 I will have him up against the door with my knee at his crutch begging him to get me pregnant.
Yup. That’s what he told me. He was fired by me. And I thought, I’m not going to rush getting into a relationship because my ovaries are ageing – I’ve seen where that’s gotten me.
I was so mortified that I told my coach at the time and he couldn’t believe it. And like my coach said, it wasn’t an issue at the time because I wasn’t in a relationship. In addition, children are a bi-product of a loving relationship. When the time arises then I’ll worry about it. But I never did worry about it.
Back to the story.
One week into my honeymoon I got ill which created more fear and trust issues with my body. It was during this time that I thought perhaps my body was not ready to bring a child into this world even if age and time wasn’t on my side as society says.
My husband and I both wanted to try and as frustrating and upsetting as it was, physically (and mentally) I just felt like I couldn’t.
During the 2 years of my marriage I was actively working on my physical and emotional health. This was not an easy time and it did affect my marriage. If you’ve had health issues you’ll understand how much of a toll it can take on your energy, emotions, and physical stamina – and you feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.
I quit alcohol entirely, mainly ate plant based, hired another life coach and was also seeing a spiritual mentor at the time. I continued to pray daily, maintained my faith, and I dove deeper into inner child healing and IFS (internal family systems).
At this point, my husband was losing a little hope and concerned that we wouldn’t have a baby. I kept reassuring him to not worry because I was to get pregnant right away.
Well, come February 2021, I got the nudge and this feeling of urgency from up above to start conceiving. There was no attachment to getting pregnant. I just thought that if it were meant to be it will happen.
My whole theme around getting pregnant was let go and let God – a deep surrendering practice. Which still is. There is so much surrendering in pregnancy.
It’s easy to convince ourselves that surrendering and having low attachment to an outcome is like giving up but it’s the total opposite. It’s courageous. Letting go of control – the need to know can be so difficult and takes practice. It’s difficult because we think that by surrendering we won’t get what we want.
Life truly doesn’t always go according to our plans and wants. And we don’t always understand the “why” for what happens to us in life. But, we are promised to not have to go through life alone and we all have a purpose.
We tried for the first time and two weeks after my last period I was pregnant but didn’t know it. I had all the pregnancy symptoms but I thought I had just caught some virus, again.
My husband and I were beyond shocked and thrilled and of course I had to tell him, “I told you so.” My ego felt better.
We shared the news with family at Easter time and till this day I will never forget my Grandpa’s reaction. He thought we were joking with him. He broke down into tears and said he was satisfied…he can now die.
It seemed like getting pregnant was the easiest manifestations out of anything in my life -nothing has come this easy to me before. But looking back on my health and challenges, it seemed like I was preparing to conceive for a few years.
I also want to mention, if you’re trying to conceive and struggling, please know I’m thinking of you and praying for you. Please don’t compare my journey or anyone else’s to yours.
There is so much at play with everyone’s journey and nothing is black or white.
I was telling my husband how bad I felt for the women who try to conceive for so long. And my husband turned to me and said, “Irene, every area of your life you have struggled and there’s been so many challenges, don’t you think you deserve this? I see this as your reward.”
This brought tears to my eyes – for most of my life I’ve struggled with worthiness issues. And in that moment I said “yes” to feeling worthy in receiving Gods blessings.
This year I’ll be turning 44 and having my first baby. I want you to know that whatever you are going through, ANYTHING is possible. I pray that whatever you’re asking for that a miracle will come into your life too.
God’s timing is always perfect.
In the end, my grandpa’s second wish didn’t come true…well in this physical life anyway. I know that he will see the baby from a more peaceful and painless place.
I’m grateful to be able to share this journey with you.
Love,
Irene
Irene Elias
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