Hi. I’ve not written much on actual PDA for quite a long time. I guess, going through the years of learning about, adapting and accepting, I’ve come to a place where PDA is just normal for us now and we have settled, but some thoughts have popped in my head today, so here they are.
“PDA awareness does not need a degree in psychology. It does not need to be a battle, a minefield, a scary darkness or a bleak future. It does not need to be a fight in schools, or an unhappy home. It needs love. Pure, unconditional, no judge, no if or buts, just love. “
When I hop into some of the wonderful PDA stuff going on around the world, I am amazed to see how far the awareness of this condition has come from when I first began writing 7 or so years ago. There wasn’t really much info back then and certainly nothing in my Mums early days of parenting, or hers before that. I was in total shock and freefalling fast when my daughter was diagnosed. Jane Sherwins book was the first one I read and I felt so lost as to what I should be doing and what the future might look like for us. The PDA society was the mothership if you like, and the main names for me were Riko and Stephs 2 girls. Nowadays, there is a large and growing range of books, chat support rooms, famous in their field figure heads and people making businesses around PDA training. Its been an interesting journey to parallel while supporting my now 19 year old PDA girl.
I’ve always tended to keep a bit of an eye on whats being learnt, taught and talked about, but I made a deliberate decision early on, to find my own ways, trust my own inner voice and send a message that we can all be empowered to take charge of all aspects of our own, individual wellbeing. Trying to follow another persons understanding always felt a bit off for me. I guess that is what prompted me to write today, to speak about how complicated things can get when delving deep into the psychology of PDA as a whole and trying to follow the advice of others if it feels counterproductive. I see parents who are lost, unsure, desperate and seeking.
I see some parents who are popping on for the first time. Freshly discovered, they ask the obvious questions, which are answered by well meaning parents who are further along in their ages, experiences or knowledge of PDA, myself included. The main advice is that parenting PDA involves a process of unlearning, re programming, spiritual growth and throwing society norms away and making ones own rules. I don’t disagree with any of that advice. Hell, I contributed to those ideas that were once being formed by desperate Mothers trying to work things out and are now accepted as standard practice for peace and harmony. But I wonder at what point do we jump off the trials and wins of others and creating what works uniquely just for us? This is not by any means saying that the work of PDA advocates is not essential and holds immense value, especially for the safety of kids who can and have been traumatized by antiquated sytems and beliefs, rather to set a thought that we are all so very unique.
Has PDA chat and teaching become mainstream in by those before us showing those behind us and if so how does this tie in with the essence of PDA and its heart of true freedom? I wonder if some households, in their attempts to follow advice, are actually adding more stress to those with PDA. By this I mean, regular parenting advice will always be around and its natural to ask questions, compare and echo what we think is right or what we think we should be doing. Is PDA parenting advice, which is derived from experience, agreed consensus, PDA adults, still following a pattern of old school thinking and has that in turn made things more complicated than they need to be?
I guess what I’m trying to offer in these questions is the opportunity for those new to PDA to have the confidence to write their own rules. To trial their own ideas. To observe their own lives, to ask the deep questions as to how they want to run their homes and lives. You don’t have to act on what we say. Rather than ‘see a problem and search for a solution’ we ‘feel a problem and vision a solution’. Rather than ask or compare to another we use our emotions to navigate when something is ultimately bringing joy or sadness. The frame work we have used to find the end goal of love and happiness is still the same in PDA help land as it is in most other areas of the human experience. I am as of today, going to change my approach to my responses when engaging with other PDA parents. How does it feel? What feels better? What little steps can you take to feel better on each step?
PDA awareness does not need a degree in psychology. It does not need to be a battle, a minefield, a scary darkness or a bleak future. It does not need to be a fight in schools, or an unhappy home. It needs love. Pure, unconditional, no judge, no if or buts, just love.
As we begin the change from an old world to a new one, one for which our kids are already programmed for, let us old thinkers be shown how to listen, love and and create new roads ahead. A world where the child is respected, the elders use wisdom and have the grace and creativity to carve new and wonderful ways.
Thanks for reading.
lovepda
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