PDA Dads.

One minute you are cruising along with the love of your life. The thoughts of kids a mere smudge on the future horizon. Plenty of the other, and all of those freedom things that you have no idea will dry up one day. You know, like going out for dinner and getting in the next morning because the best nights are the ones you don’t change your undies for.

You look about at older blokes with kids and think to yourself, well, I wouldn’t parent like that…You feel a bit smug, a bit pleased with yourself. You have a good job that pays alright, and life is pretty steady. The only murmurs of disharmony with the better half is when you forget to put the washing out or slip up getting a shit birthday present for them, like something for the new kitchen rather than something romantic, like, I dunno, flowers.

As you move through the years prior to kids, you get the feeling that time might be running out and that it will be inevitable that the Mrs wants kids. You might even really like the idea of a couple of nippers to nurture and love. A wee lad to look up to you maybe, and a mini version of your wife to spoil and dote on. The idea grows and the dreams manifest. Life does change, even though you said having kids wouldn’t affect you! You begin to mature a bit, find some things to be grown up about, like taking the baby out while Mum has a lie in, or opening a bank account for their education one day. It all seems pretty do able at this stage and you manage to continue swinging along in comparison with your mates, the odd adjustment here and there, but in general, all good.

You become the voice of reason and command. It’s how your dad was with you and how most other dads around you seem to be outputting. Nothing wrong with letting them know whose boss. Giving them a strict routine and telling them off if they are naughty. You don’t want a soft kids, or a spoilt kid. Kids these days have no respect for adults and no direction right? Thats not gonna happen with my kid. My values are old fashioned and solid, but it never did me any harm. I came out alright. Kids need to know they are not in charge. They don’t know what they want in life, so I’m going to give them lots of opportunities until they choose something they like the most. Perhaps if I send them to music lessons when they are 5, they will have that great start that I never got. I always wanted to be a drummer. Maybe if we teach them how to read and write before they head to school, they won’t be the kid that got left behind because they were too slow, like me. I’m going to everything I can to be a great Dad and I know just how to do it.

And then, the unrest begins. At first it is ‘NO!’ to bedtime. In reaction, I insist they stay in bed or else. Then my wee nipper starts to cry. They are playing up for attention and getting attention for crying is going to teach them the wrong value. Crying for attention is wrong, so I will up my insistence until they back down and go to sleep. Little nipper is feistier than I thought. They are now screaming and raging. This is getting a bit out of hand. I can’t give in to a 3-year-old. I am in charge here. They just need more discipline. I’m just not being firm enough. The battle of no had begun. But this little nipper is not going to back down. How far do I continue this with? Mum arrives on the scene. She is nurturing and soft by nature. Thats why I married her, she is beautiful. We discuss the screaming child behind the closed door who is now resembling something from the exorcist and could possibly be re decorating the room with vomit. This can’t go on, but I can’t give in, they will have won. My man status is already quite frayed these days. Society expects the man to do all sorts of things that don’t really come that naturally and feel as though they have been forced onto me without my understanding why. Women want strong men who are also emotionally available and able to talk about their feelings, but I feel like I have to tread on egg shells most of the time in case I say the wrong thing. Fuck this is hard. My wife is now upset too. Just go in there and cuddle them, settle them. let them have 10 more minutes up to wind down in a calm way. Suddenly I am arguing with my wife now too. All I wanted to do was raise a child who was respectful and did as they are told. Like I did, like the other kids. I back down. My wife goes into the room, there is calm again with the two of them hugging and calming. What did I do wrong? I feel like I have failed. I am angry because I have been defeated, by my 3 year old and my wife when I am the man of the house who is supposed to set an example. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and I go to sleep alone, while my wife sleeps in with our child to comfort them.

Days turn into months, and its feeling like every single thing we try to do is a battle. The more distant I become from my wife, the more little nipper plays up. It feels like them and me.

It’s PDA she says. It’s what now? Read this, look at this, I think we have found an explanation to why our child is so much more headstrong than the other kids.

I can’t take it all in. It’s too much. Is there something wrong with my kid?

Low demand parenting you say? That just sounds like letting them do what they want to me. I cannot agree to this. It goes against everything I stand for. I have never even thought about parenting in a different way to how I was brought up.

My wife is changing so quickly. She is determined to read and watch everything she can about PDA. I don’t have the time for that, so she tells me about the things she has noticed and how changing how she sees values, changes the behaviour and outbursts and battles with our little one. I feel out of my depth and totally confused. I think I get it for a while and I take a back seat in the every day things, observing and staying quiet. Our kid has noticed the distance between us and seems to play up more if I ever challenge how my wife is doing things. Maybe she is right. I try some of the new ideas. Bedtime gets easier because we all connect more for an hour before bedtime, and this starts a wind down routine. I’ve noticed that rather than tell them, ‘Off to bed’. ‘It’s bedtime,’ Sitting with them and reading brings calm and connection. Asking my little one if they are feeling ready to go to bed and honestly meeting them on their level, really does allow them to settle with ease. Could it really be this simple? What if they still push the boundary out? I default, holding my line. The line just got bigger and I feel out of control again in my own house, with my own child. Control. It’s a big word isn’t it. Maybe PDA is vessel in which my kids can teach me how to bring back balance and equality into our home, and then the wider community and society.

I’m going to ponder on that for a bit and I am going to work with my wife and my child so we can all get back to that place where we all started. Freedom.