Parenting Together: How Collaborative Problem-Solving Can Revitalize Your Relationship – Couples Therapy Inc.

Are you struggling with parenting conflicts in your relationship? You’re not alone. Many couples find that raising children together can put a strain on their partnership. Approaches to discipline can vary as well as parenting priorities. Do you focus on building a strong relationship with your child while your partner focuses on them learning responsibility and building skills? Are your children special needs, neurodiverse, or experiencing behavior challenges that traditional parenting approaches seem ineffective and perhaps worsen the situation? Are the struggles in your marriage making parenting as a unified team that much harder? Or perhaps you are worried the stress in your marriage is impacting the entire family unit. 

But what if you could use the same principles you are learning to repair and promote connection in your relationship to strengthen your skill set as parents and find a common ground for how to approach parenting difficulties creating a pathway for your whole family to thrive. In this post, we’ll explore how Gottman couples therapy techniques and a parenting model, called Collaborative Problem Solving, can aid in creating a stronger, more harmonious family unit.

Understanding Collaborative Problem-Solving in Parenting

Collaborative problem-solving is an approach to parenting that emphasizes working together with your child to find durable and lasting solutions to help them meet your expectations while building a strong parent-child bond, reducing challenging behaviors, and promoting critical thinking skills. This trauma informed, non-punitive, and neurodiverse affirming approach moves away from using power and control and towards a stance of collaboration through the following steps:

1. Empathize and understand your child’s perspective
2. Share your concern
3. Engage in collaboration to find a mutually satisfying solution

Sound familiar? These steps aren’t just great for parenting—they’re also key components of a healthy relationship.

The Gottman Method: A Brief Overview

The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is a research-based approach to couples therapy. It focuses on:

• Building love maps
• Sharing fondness and admiration
• Turning towards each other
• Managing conflict
• Creating shared meaning
• Making life dreams come true

Bridging Collaborative Parenting and Gottman Therapy

Now, let’s explore how the principles of the Gottman method relate to collaborative problem-solving and can assist in getting your family on track.

1. Empathy and Understanding → Building Love Maps

In collaborative parenting, we strive to understand our child’s perspective. What are their fears, goals, struggles, concerns that influence their ability to meet adult expectations? Similarly, Gottman’s concept of “love maps” encourages couples to deeply understand each other’s worlds. By engaging your partner and your child’s perspective, you are able to better understand their needs and consider them in developing the most effective ways for your family to co-exist together. 

Try this: Spend 10 minutes each day asking your loved one open-ended questions about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The next time you and a family member encounter a conflict, lean into curiosity to understand what is important to them so you know what is important to consider in order to solve the problem collaboratively.

2. Sharing your concern → Managing Conflict

In communicating expectations to your child, if your authority is emphasized with a “because I said so” mentality, it can lead to power struggles and defiance. When using collaborative problem-solving with children, clearly defining your concern regarding the expectations you have set teaches children to work with others and consider their perspective. With your partner, expressing your complaints with criticism and contempt leads to defensiveness and hurt feelings. In the Gottman model, the most effective way to communicate complaints is through a soft and gentle start up that shares our feelings and concerns inviting our partner to be responsive to our needs. Conflicts can be resolved with family members when both parties are clearly describing their needs versus a focus on blame and being “right.”

Try this: When a conflict arises, clearly state your perspective using “I” statements to share what is important to you and why, focusing on feelings and needs, rather than blame or shame allows for everyone involved to get what they need.

3. Solving Collaboratively → Turning Towards Each Other

Collaborative parenting involves inviting your child to be a part of the solution. The developed solution will address both sets of concerns teaching your child how to consider other’s point of view and collaborate effectively. In your relationship, this can have a similar effect as what Gottman calls “turning towards” your partner. By actively seeking your partner’s input in solving conflict and considering their needs you are turning towards them further strengthening your bond and connection.

Try this: When facing a challenge, after understanding both parties’ concerns, explicitly invite your loved one to brainstorm solutions with you, showing them you value their input and honor their needs.

The Benefits of Integration

By applying collaborative problem-solving and Gttman principles with your family members::

1. You model healthy conflict resolution for your children
2. You create a shared vision of everyone’s needs are important
3. You reinforce skills that benefit both your parenting and your partnership

Conclusion

Integrating collaborative problem-solving principles and Gottman couples techniques can transform your family dynamics. By treating your partner with the same empathy, respect, and collaboration you offer your children, you create a harmonious family environment where everyone feels heard and valued.

Remember, change takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you implement these strategies. With consistent effort, you can build a stronger, more resilient family unit.

Are you ready to bring the best of your parenting skills into your relationship? Start today by choosing one technique to practice this week. Your family—and your partnership—will thank you.