Estimates vary, but somewhere between a third and two-thirds of Americans report being lonely. Loneliness exists on a feedback loop: Fraying cultural bonds, damaged physical health and reduced social contact both exacerbate loneliness and are exacerbated by it, to the point that loneliness lowers life expectancy. Loneliness is a challenging phenomenon for researchers to quantify, but there are telltale signs — and they point to a society losing its way. The number of Americans who report having no close friends at all has quadrupled since 1990, according to a Survey Center on American Life study. An average American in 2021 spent 58 percent less time with friends than in 2013, the Census Bureau found.
Covid-19 has contributed to the spike in loneliness and the decline in sex, but is only partially responsible. Between 2014 and 2019, the decrease in time people spent with friends was greater than it was during the pandemic. And during the pandemic, many Americans spent more and more time alone, with neither friends nor romantic partners. Younger Americans are, infamously, less likely to have sex than their parents’ generations — and when they do have sex, they’re doing it with fewer partners.
In my work as a writer covering sex and culture, I have spoken to dozens of men for whom a lack of sex is the defining characteristic of their daily life. It shapes their interests, their motivations, their hopes. Some are incels — short for “involuntary celibates,” believers in a toxic, misogynistic ideology — but more are not. Some believe the pursuit of sex will be entirely futile. In turn, they’ve begun to interpret going out, spending time with friends and meeting new people as futile, too. This thinking becomes cyclical — soon, they’re not only afraid of failing to find a sexual partner but they also grow to fear even platonic social interactions. Sex is only one component of their overall isolation but is in many cases the one upon which the overall problem hinges.
It’s easy to brush these men off as anomalies, or to label their state as a result of personal failings or even the consequences of modern masculinity. But while much of the research around the decline in sex focuses upon young men, almost every group of Americans is experiencing the absence of sex — and the consequences are profound. If a lack of sex is affecting the cultural and social participation of these young men, it’s likely to be affecting the rest of us, too. A lack of sex can easily translate into less socialization, fewer families and a sicker population: Sex reduces pain, relieves stress, improves sleep, lowers blood pressure and strengthens heart health.
Writers like myself have made male sexlessness a well-known issue, even as women are in the same bind. Data from the General Social Survey actually suggests they may be having even less sex than men. In 2021, roughly a quarter of women under 35 reported having had no sex in the past year. For men, the figure was 19 percent. And women who are having sex are less likely to be happy with the sex they’re having. Both men and women report feelings of regret and unhappiness following casual sex, but it’s more common among women — probably in part because of cultural perceptions of sexual autonomy. Sex can bring people together, but that only works when it’s good sex.
Magdalene J. Taylor
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