A confused mother has asked Mumsnet for help after experiencing feelings of jealousy about her teenage son’s lifestyle.
In the post, user onescoopofgelato explained that she has three children aged six, eight, and 19, who all share a father despite splitting with her partner nine years ago due to infidelity.
She said that despite wanting a girl, since she held her eldest son in her arms “we have always had that perfect mother and son relationship,” describing him now as “outstanding” at school and “the boys that girls fancy, no one ever had a bad word to say about him”.
According to research by Google in 2017, seven in 10 moms say that they consider their child one of their best friends.
Getty Images/Daisy-Daisy
The mother described herself as “jealous” of her son, citing his close relationship with his best friend of 16 years as one of the reasons. “I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them”, she wrote.
She said her son recently shunned their traditional Easter family holiday in favor of hanging out with his friends and girlfriend. Her son is still in regular contact with his father, according to the woman who asked others on the forum if she was being unreasonable “for feeling like this.”
Nearly 90 percent of Mumsnet users voted that the mother was being unreasonable.
Newsweek spoke to Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, about the delicate situation. The expert suggested that the situation is more typical than it sounds.
“In terms of your own well-being, having compassion for any feelings you are experiencing is helpful,” said Freeman. “Of course, it is confusing to feel jealous of your own child, when all you want is for them to be happy. So, likely the mom’s emotions are mixed—happy for him, but a younger part of herself wishes her life had been more like his. Expressing those feelings to herself and perhaps to someone else she trusts (not her son) is helpful.”
The expert said that by recognizing and accepting these difficult emotions, the mom is less likely to act on them.
She said: “Parents sometimes fall into lecturing kids about not being grateful enough for their lives and for their parents’ contributions. Those lectures may sometimes come from that exact uncomfortable feeling of being jealous. Hassling kids in that way really isn’t useful, so kudos to the mom for acknowledging what she’s feeling. Her sadness at the loss of her son’s attention is completely understandable. His perfectly normal inclination to turn toward peers rather than his mom is a sign of healthy adolescent development but can be very tough on parents.”
“That orientation to peers is actually an important aspect of a healthy launch for young adults so while the mom is grieving, she may want to celebrate his positive growth toward independence,” Freeman said.
She added: “Finally, her son’s leaning toward his dad at this time is also pretty normal. He is spending more time with the parent of the same gender as he develops his identity. Dad may also be more comfortable with his son’s increased independence. As the oldest child of a divorced mom, this young man may be sensitive to her struggles and have a hard time being around them. The mom will do well to process all these strong, complicated feelings with trusted family or friends or even a counselor so she doesn’t cue her son about them, allowing him to continue to grow and develop positively.”
Users were mainly critical of the mother in the comments.
“Yes, it would be both sad and pathetic to say you’re jealous of your own son. He’s grown up, an actual adult” said one user. Another wrote, “This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read”.
Some users were more sympathetic, with one stating, “Wow, harsh comments from some there OP, but I think some of your feelings are genuinely driven by something other than jealousy and maybe more out of loneliness.” “You’re not jealous of your son. You’re just missing him” wrote another.
Newsweek could not verify the details of the case.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
