Local accountant Arnold “Arnie” Pierson has set a new world record for the largest pectoral muscles. His off-the-rack polyester suit is no longer able to hide the bulging pecs which have astounded the global fitness community and slightly intimidate his coworkers.
Arnie, 42, who spends his weekdays buried in spreadsheets, tax returns, and financial statements, never set out to nurture a chest that measures an astounding 75 inches in circumference. This mild-mannered calculator king, who insists on wearing button-up shirts with a tie to the gym, has defied the conventional image of a record-breaking bodybuilder.
Pierson’s journey to pec-tacularity began rather unassumingly. It all started when he tried to open a stubborn jar of gluten-free, organic, fair-trade, vegan peanut butter for his morning toast. No Excel spreadsheet can overcome his fierce determination, he certainly wasn’t going to let a jar get the better of him.
“After that epic peanut butter battle, I decided to hit the gym.” Arnie said.
For the last five years, Arnie has been pumping iron with the same precision and dedication he applies to his tax return calculations. His training regimen, which he has dubbed “The Accountant’s Asset Appreciation,” involves a complex algorithm of sets, reps, and protein shake intake, all calculated on a colourful spreadsheet to maximize muscle growth and minimize tax liability.
His peculiar habits do sometimes bemuse onlookers at the gym.
“I’d see him there, lifting these enormous weights, muttering ‘One… one, zero… one, one… one, zero, zero…’ under his breath,” shared perplexed personal trainer, Hudson Atlas. “I finally realized he was counting in binary! Dude’s a total nerd, but you gotta respect those pecs!”
Despite his new-found fame, Arnie remains grounded. He still enjoys cross-stitching, tending to his bonsai tree collection, and hosting Dungeons & Dragons nights.
“My pecs might be big, but they’ll never be as big as the satisfaction I get from a perfectly balanced ledger,” Arnie said.
In a statement, the Guinness World Records confirmed that Arnie Pectacular has indeed set a new world record for the largest pectoral muscles. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesperson. “In fact, his pecs are so big, we thought we were looking at the data wrong and ran it through three calculators… all of which ran out of digits!”
Arnie is certainly proud of his achievement. Sporting a new spreadsheet bedsheet set, he’s even found a way to excel in his sleep. “My secret?” Arnie muses, “I surround myself with what I love – numbers and reps. I crunch numbers by day, and at night, I rest on them. I guess you could say I excel 24/7!”
Don’t judge an accountant by his tie, or his muscles by his day job. It’s not about the size of your pecs, but also the length of your ledger…No, let’s not go there.
As for that jar of gluten-free, organic, fair-trade, vegan peanut butter that started it all? Arnie chuckles, “Well, I never did get it open the traditional way. But one day, after a particularly intense chest day, I accidentally knocked it off the counter. It shattered on the floor, so technically, I did open it. Now, I just have to flex at the jars and they unscrew themselves.”
