As Kevin McCarthy fails to win election to Speaker of the House, Elmer Fudd is chosen to lead.
It is a historic day for the United States, as Kevin McCarthy fails to win election as Speaker of the House. This is the first time the House of Representatives has failed to elect a Speaker in the first round of voting in a century.
As McCarthy failed to gain approval after three rounds, participants decided to try one last time for the day, rather than adjourn, as many wanted — and as was falsely reported by other media outlets.
In the fourth round, a coalition of exhausted Republicans and Democrats united to vote in Elmer Fudd as Speaker of the House. (The Speaker does not need to be a House member.)
“Mr. Fudd will restore order,” said Rep. Steve Scalise, previously second in line behind McCarthy. “With that big shotgun of his, when Fudd speaks, rabbits and people listen!”
The last time the House failed to elect a speaker in the first round was in 1923. In the 9th round, Frederick Huntington was finally elected. Before that, you’d have to go back to pre-Civil War times to find a house speaker election that went past the first round.
Prior to the compromise vote, the anti-McCarthy faction of Republicans tried to gain control. Rep. Lauren Boebert of Colorado, known affectionately in the House as “Klannie Oakley” for her love of guns and racism, got together with Marjorie Taylor Greene (known as “Mad Marge the Klan Mom”).
The two of them couldn’t decide who outranked the other, so they held a mud wrestling match to determine who was boss. MTG won, due to her sheer strength and daily workout regimen.
Her rank established, MTG proposed arming the far-right MAGA wing of the party with AR-15s to force their will. However, once armed, other members tried to gain the upper hand of the faction, and an ugly shootout resulted in a stalemate.
Republicans finally began negotiating with Democrats in earnest once it became clear that the MAGA faction could not gain control and that the larger anti-McCarthy faction would not budge. The only person they could agree on was Elmer Fudd of Looney Tunes fame.
“Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits,” said Fudd when first asked if he would accept the position. After once again failing to get Bugs Bunny, Fudd agreed out of frustration.
“Wabbits be damned, let’s go hunt some wascawwy Republicans,” he said. “They need to be whipped into shape, the anti-democwacy bums!”
In the end, it was his famously short temper and his pledge to never allow any “Bugs Bunny Democrats” to pass bills that got him over the top.
Secretly, Democrats are thrilled to have Fudd as speaker, with one noting off the record, “Everyone knows about his legendary gullibility and short attention span, much like the their incompetent leader down in Mar-a-Lago. We’re going to have fun with this guy!”
Mr. Fudd will be sworn in as Speaker next week with a 21 shotgun salute.
James Israel
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