Benjamin Netanyahu and other members of the Israeli Parliament met today in Tel Aviv to honor members of several underground groups who risked their lives to free the country from British domination decades ago. “Blowing up the King David didn’t give me half the nightmares that recent articles in The New Yorker and The New York Times gave me,” said one former member of the Haganah! I’d rather face Assad, Arafat, Bin Laden, and all the Omars, Saddams, and ‘The Four in the U.S. congress who can’t wait to end our funding than Thomas Friedman and the world’s liberal Jewish community!
“It really shakes me, up,” said a former member of the Haganah, major in the Israeli Defense Forces, and member of the Mossad who fought as a child alongside his father after they both escaped from Auschwitz and were instrumental in the Warsaw Ghetto uprising where they fought with garden tools against the fiercest, best, and most heavily armed members of the SS. “I mean it gives me the willies just thinking about Jewish and gentile writers in The New York Times who aren’t happy and warm and fuzzy in that adorable Ivy League, Upper East Side of Manhattan kind of way with the way we protect our citizens and lead this country.
“Did you see the article in The New Yorker recently that trashed Rabbi Kahane and the JDL?, said a fellow Knesset member. I guess there’s never been any other ethnic group in New York in the 1970s who needed to take a strong stance against groups terrifying their people. Oy vey, what are we going to do if we don’t have the support of Thomas Friedman and Jews sitting in their dens right now in Short Hills, New Jersey; Shaker Heights, Ohio; or Skokie Illinois? What concerns me most of all, though, even more than staying awake at night wondering which liberal Israeli newspaper will take out a full page ad in the Sunday New York Times questioning our policies, is Alexandria Ocasio Cortez and that Omar woman who helps make up the terrifying “Four” in the U.S. House of Representatives.
“You’re right,” said a third parliament member. “When that AOC shiksa won Queens, I knew it was all over for the State of Israel. No iron dome can protect us from her. Fortunately she will be tied up for a while before our total destruction with eliminating all the police in America to make it a safer place and blocking new businesses coming into her district that would give her constituency tons of high paying jobs.
“Yeah, it’s all about the Benjamins,” said the first member reentering the conversation on the floor of the Knesset. That other new shiksa who got elected, Omar something, she’s really got our number. How did she know our secret plan even we before we became our current modern state that we weren’t really rescuing Jews escaping Vienna, Austria, Poland, Hungary, Romania, Germany and every other places to avoid Nazi death camps? A.O.C. and the Omar woman must have gotten into our secret documents from when J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy were alive to discover that our only real goals in forming a Jewish state while six million of us were being killed was to create Teva Pharmaceuticals, Naot shoes, and Kedem kosher beverages, and macaroons suitable for the passover table.
“How did they ever figure that out,”he continued. “We’re rolling in lirot, gold, diamonds, and silver over here and lying on the beach in Eilat while checking our accounts at Bank Leumi on our laptops. Those new congressional ladies saw right through us with a little help from all the stuff in the files of the F.B.I., CIA, State Department, diaries in Joseph Kennedy’s sock drawer, overhead bin in Charle’s Lindbergh’s first plane, David Duke’s gun locker, Torquemada’s enchilada cabinet, and in the trunk of Henry Ford’s Model T.
“We should invite the Four to a stay on one of our kibbutzim,” added in a more centrist parliament member named Yitzhak. Let’s invite Thomas Friedman so after he’s done from six days of work getting up at 5 a.m. and picking grapefruit until sunset, he can write an update about the earth being flat. We have so much time over here with worrying when the next bus is going to go up in smoke, terrorists will slaughter people dancing at a weddings, a missile will land in Haifa, or send incendiaries lifted by balloons over our border, that we forget how important to create the right image and hire a Madison Avenue public relations firm for liberal Jews around the world so they won’t get mad at us.
“You know what,” added a member called Noah. “Let’s not only invite the ‘Four’ lets also include David Brooks, Mauree Dowd, Paul Krugman, David Remnick, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, that Farrakhan guy,Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Redgrave (in the U.K. I think), and that shiksa with the big hair (Angela somebody), but let’s include former members of the South African Government.
“Why do you want to do that?, replied the original Knesset member who got this whole kerfuffle going.
“Well,” Noah said. “All those liberals in the American Universities, progressives, and Jewish Literati, Intellectuals from everywhere above the Mason-Dixon Line who make David Duke look moderate about us and haven’t been out of Princeton, New Jersey; Cambridge, Massachusetts, or New Haven Connecticut since William Buckley and Hugh Hefner debated pornography, who can’t help themselves from saying “apartheid” like a decerebrate parrot every time they hear the word “Israel” (squawk Apartheid, squawk Apartheid, Polly want a cracker? Squawk Apartheid), need to get a taste of what it’s like to have to get a full body putdown every time you go to a movie theater on Allenby Street. When was the last time somebody at the Quad or the Angelika who decided that it was just too boring to spend another night their nine-story upper this or that Manhattan eating Zabars like we crack sunflower seeds on public transportation, had to worry about somebody tossing something from the balcony that would, if they were lucky, put them in Beth Israel’s ICU for six month’s?
“Yes, but all of you aren’t showing much empathy for all those politicians, liberal Jews, university professors,” piped in a new parliament member, Ari’s, voice, “The New York Times and The New Yorker writers have to cope with in the society today of our closest ally, said Yitzhak. Imagine this scenario: a child starts kindergarten in Boston. Now here, you give a snack, do a little Hebrew, nap time, some drawing, math, what’s not to like. Not in the U.S.! There the teacher has to point to each of the 30 kids in her class and ask them what their gender is, and if they are confused by the question, she decides which gender they are. Basically the teacher’s job, except in Florida,Texas. Alabama, Florida,etc, is basically to “reassign” the boys to be girls and the girls to be boys. She then sends a note home to the parents telling them of the federal grant money they can apply for to pay for the 10 to 12 hour surgery that their child will need (by third grade at the latest so they don’t suffer some permanent emotional gender-related-my identity doesn’t match what’s between my legs disorder).
“That sounds crazy,” Noah said readjusting his yarmulke, “What about the bris, the circumcision, or covenant with the Lord?”
“Look, Noah,” Ari said, “The liberals have outlawed circumcision as cruel and unusual in most of the country. I think it’s still safe in places like South Carolina, thank the Lord for the Evangelicals, but eventually it’s going to be harder to find somewhere it’s legal than a statue of George Wallace in Newark. Anyway, let’s not get hung up on our sacred traditions (Do you think AOC likes Tevya or Zero Mostel better in Fiddler on the Roof? I’ll bet she and the four get together after the week’s session in congress get together in a cozy Forest Hills penthouse with take out from Katz’s or Russ and Daughter’s and just inhale those pastrami sandwiches and knishes while singing,”Tradition! Tradition! at the top of their progressive lungs!). Anyway, I digress, what I’m really trying to get across to all of you that you don’t need to worry about us getting cut off from U.S. support. Sure, we dissed Obama, but Joe’s not thinking about that. He’s got his hands full with the Ukraine, and even more seriously dealing with the uprisings in girls’ locker rooms when the cheerleaders are showering and some guy with a Hebrew National salami (uncircumsised thanks to new research done in the new Blue States Scientific Research Institute in Berkeley that the Four got congress to pay for this year in–plenty of government Benjamins approved for that) between his legs longer than the Washington Monument walks in more erect than a member of the IDF in boot camp. The law now there is that if the goy, guy, I mean tells the police or vice-principal (same thing in America, except the vice principals there are all fascists) says “I’m a non-binary, or an LGBTQ+ transsexual woke transvestite critical race theory who tears down statues of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Christopher Columbus, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and especially Thomas Jefferson (especially him because he couldn’t help himself from pronging his servants,–well if this teenage boy is standing there with his eyes on shiksas (I mean) girl’s burning bush, and says all that, he’s as cool as the Sachna in spring. I mean he’s floating like he’s the Dead Sea and swimming in testosterone. He’s breathing like he just climbed Masada and sweating like it’s summer in the Negev. I mean the kid’s really feeling it and it’s all kosher (except his uncircumsised salami). So that’s why I’m not worried about all the Ilhans, Omars, Occasios, Alexandra’s, Thomas Friedman, or Ivy League radicals who don’t know an Uzi from the paddle they last used on the Hudson for crew. Not only do they not know an Uzi from nothing, but they don’t know us from nothing, They wouldn’t last a minute on the West Bank or the Golan Heights or the Sinai Dessert, and they don’t know Apartheid or so called “occupied territory” from the Harvard Club, One day for them in this country with all we face, and they would be crying “West Bank,” “Hamas,” Jewish liberals around the world back to their mammals in the Hamptons.
“So we have nothing to fear. Long live the Western Wall,” the first Knesset member concluded as he closed the session, said Shabbat Shalom to all his colleagues who had survived and met more potentially fatal challenges than all the Benjamins in the U.S. Treasury.