Gottman stress-reducing conversations are communication techniques developed by Drs. John Gottman and Julie Gottman. The technique helps couples effectively manage and reduce stress in their relationships.
But it does more. For the partner accused of invalidating feelings, it offers strategies to create a more validating and supportive environment.
It can also highlight forms of emotional abuse that invalidate self-esteem and destroy emotional intimacy. is a communication technique developed by Drs. John Gottman and Julie Gottman. The technique helps couples effectively manage and reduce stress in their relationship.
Do you find that you feel bad when talking to your partner as if your feelings don’t matter to them? The Stress Reducing Conversation is a critical communication tool to improve emotional validation and increase feeling safe. It can also highlight forms of emotional abuse that invalidate a person’s self-esteem and destroy emotional intimacy.
What does it mean to invalidate a person’s expression?
Feelings are invalidated when they are deemed worthless, valid, or unimportant. Is a form of manipulation and communicates “I don’t care about your emotional experiences.”
Dismissing, criticizing, minimizing, judging, blaming, ignoring or gaslighting are all forms of invalidation.
How the Stress-Reducing Conversation is done:
- Set aside time at least 5 days a week for a 15-20 minute conversation about your day. Don’t talk about relationship stressors. This is a time to focus on issues outside of your interactions.
- Take turns talking about your life, work, and day. As you speak, keep the conversation focused on your own life and the characters in it.
- As you listen to your partner, focus on validating their thoughts, emotional responses, reactions, or stressors. This is their time. Your job is to learn about them and support them like a friend. Take their side.
- Don’t try to problem-solve. That’s not necessary to do in this exercise.
Here are some types of emotional invalidation statements to avoid:
Dismissing
Here you completely disregarding or brushing aside what your partner is talking about. You communicate that their feelings are insignificant or unnecessary.
- “You need to get past that.”
- “This is nonsense.”
- “It can’t be that serious.”
- I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”
Criticizing or showing contempt
- “This is really getting old.”
- “That is ridiculous.”
- “That’s crazy. talk.”
Minimizing
You downplay or diminish the emotional intensity or significance of what they are saying. You act as if their feelings are less serious or less serious than they tell you that they are.
- “It’s not that bad. It could be worse.”
- “I’m sure that’s not what they meant.”
- “I’m sure they don’t think that.”
Judging
Instead of empathizing, you meet their emotions with judgment or criticism. You might call their thoughts irrational, unnecessary, or wrong.
- “It’s time to move on.”
- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
- “That’s not (or they’re not) worth getting upset about.”
Blaming
You put their feelings on trial. The implication is that they should not feel the way they do. The implication is that their reactions are their own fault, or they are overreacting.
- “Stop taking everything so personally.”
- “You were late, so it really was your fault.”
- “You should be ashamed of yourself for feeling that way.”
Ignoring
You don’t effectively communicate interest. Instead of normal nods, and vocalizations, you are silent and still. This implies you are indifferent to their attempts to express their feelings. They feel invisible and unimportant to you.
You changing the subject while your partner is speaking.
Gaslighting
You undermine their perception of reality or emotions. You leave them questioning their own feelings and experiences.
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “That never happened.”
- “You are the only one who feels that way.”
Emotionally validating statements
In contrast, emotionally validating statements acknowledge, respect, and validate someone’s feelings. They show understanding, empathy, and support for emotions.
Here are some examples:
- “I can see that makes you sad/angry/frustrated/confused/upset.”
- “Your feelings are important to me, and I want to understand.”
- “It’s completely understandable to feel the way you do.”
- “I hear you. I want you to know that your emotions matter to me.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “It’s okay to feel [emotion].”
- “I’d feel the same way if it were me.”
- “You’re not alone in this. I’m here to listen and be there for you.”
- “Your feelings make sense given what you’re struggling with.”
- “Thank you for telling me about this. It helps me understand you better.”
The listener doesn’t have to solve the problem. They simply need to be present, pay attention, and try to understand and empathize. Demonstrating that you hear, respect, and acknowledge your partner’s feelings is enough. It enhances trust, strengthens the relationship, and promotes open communication.
People learn how to validate feelings at a young age. When a person isn’t validated as a child, these problematic negative patterns become ingrained habits. However, these communication patterns can and should be broken.
When these interactions are attempts to manipulate, control, and dominate, it is time to pay attention. Notice if you use your partner’s opening up against them in a later argument. That’s destructive. Other spouses complain that they have no interest in listening to their partner, even for 5-10 minutes a day. This is a very bad sign.
Daily stress-reducing conversations can be tried first, before couples therapy. The goal is to provide an opportunity to practice supportive and encouraging talks. This practice enhances intimacy and can help couples break unintentional bad habits of invalidating emotions.
Dr. K
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