How Involved Are Your Parents in Your Life?

Do you think your parents would say they wished they were more involved and emotionally engaged in your life — or less? Do you think they would say they experience a great deal of stress in their roles as parents?

Based on your own experiences — and your observations of other families and parents — do you think that parenting today is harder than in the past? Why or why not?

In “How Parenting Today Is Different, and Harder,” Claire Cain Miller addresses these and other questions about the joys and challenges of being a parent in 2023:

American parents are finding the job much harder than they expected, found a large new survey by Pew Research Center. And it’s not just how they feel — parenting is more demanding than it used to be, a variety of research has found.

Eight in 10 parents of children younger than 18 find it to be enjoyable and rewarding most or all of the time, according to the new survey of 3,757 U.S. parents in that group. But two-thirds also say it’s harder than they thought it would be — including about one-third of mothers who say it’s a lot harder than they expected.

The findings reflect and build on other research. Today’s parents spend more time and money on their children than previous generations — working mothers spend as much time with their children as stay-at-home mothers of the 1970s — and feel more pressure to be hands-on. Especially for college-educated mothers with careers, the demands have caught them off guard, economists have found. At the same time, many jobs have become all-consuming, paying people disproportionately more per hour for working long hours and being available anytime — but at a cost.

The survey helps describe some of the particular ways in which parenting has become more demanding and stressful (one-third of respondents said it was that way all or most of the time).

For one, mothers feel increasingly torn between their various roles. They have more options beyond motherhood, in terms of education and career, yet they still feel societal pressure to meet certain standards as mothers.

In the Pew survey, just one-third of mothers said being a mother was the most important aspect of who they were as a person. Yet they also said they felt judged for their parenting by friends or other parents, more than fathers were, and spent significantly more time than fathers on the physical and emotional labor of parenting. In recent years, the pandemic also forced many mothers to make it their primary role, even if it hadn’t been their plan.

The article continues:

Also, research has found, today’s parents feel intense pressure to constantly teach and interact with their children, whereas previous generations spent more time doing adult activities when their children were around. While this increased attention used to be an upper-middle-class goal, more recent research shows that people across class divides believe it’s the best way to parent.

Often, Pew found, this means more emotional engagement. Nearly half said they were raising their children differently than they had been raised by their own parents, and the largest share said the main difference was in how they showed love and built relationships with their children. In open-ended responses, they said they wanted to raise children who felt unconditional support from their parents. That meant less yelling, and more verbal affirmations, outward displays of affection and honest conversations about hard topics.

“I didn’t have a safe place to express my emotions of feeling understood,” one mother, 32, told Pew. “I try to have weekly talks with my kids to check in on their emotions to see how they are. Even if they had a good week, I have found it is still good to remind them you are there for them.”

Students, read the entire article, then tell us:

• The article reports that today’s parents spend more time and money on their children than previous generations did, and that working mothers spend as much time with their children as stay-at-home mothers of the 1970s. How involved are your parents in your life? Do you think that their engagement is at the right level? Why or why not?

• Current research shows that many parents feel “intense pressure to constantly teach and interact with their children.” Does this finding resonate with your own experiences and perceptions of your parents? Which findings from the new survey by Pew Research Center and the article most stand out to you and why? Which were most surprising or eye-opening?

• The article notes that today’s parents have to worry not only about physical safety, like kidnapping and teen pregnancy, but mental health too. Three-quarters of parents in the new Pew survey said they were worried that their children would struggle with anxiety or depression or would face bullying. Do you think it’s harder to be a parent today than in the past? Why or why not?

• What do you think would make life easier, less stressful and more fulfilling for parents? What advice would you give your own parents or parents in general about finding the right level of engagement with their children?

• The Pew survey revealed that parents want to “raise children who felt unconditional support from their parents.” What would be your parenting goals, if you were to have children in the future?