From Dr. K: How to Move Forward When You Feel Trapped – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

Why can’t I leave or tell him to leave. My husband lies, cheats and takes lots of money. He still sees his affair partner but denies it. What is wrong with me? Married 29 years.

Trapped in Turmoil

Dear Trapped in Turmoil,

My heart goes out to you. First, I want you to know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. Your question shows incredible self-awareness and strength – recognizing a difficult situation and reaching out for help takes real courage.

When we’ve built a life with someone over 29 years, leaving isn’t as simple as others might think. Our lives become deeply intertwined – emotionally, financially, and practically. Lies, chronic infidelity and financial exploitation in long-term relationships usually doesn’t happen on day-one. Most of us have been seduced into believing that our spouses adore us and have our best interests at heart. 

When they begin to demonstrate otherwise, it is usually accompanied by words that cause us to doubt ourselves and even reality itself. It is also often accompanied by excuses, requests for pity or caring, or even threats that we’re “crazy” for doubting them. This is called “gaslighting.” 

Also, let’s not forget that you probably still love this man, despite his horrific behavior. Maybe you have children and grandchildren together and you worry about the impact on them if you split up. You might worry about money and how to support yourself on a lower standard of living.

Many people find themselves frozen in similar situations for very understandable reasons.

You might be experiencing what psychologists call “trauma bonding,” where difficult circumstances actually strengthen our attachment to someone, even when they’re hurting us. Add to this the very real practical concerns about separation after such a long marriage, and it’s no wonder you feel stuck.

But here’s what I want you to consider: The fact that you’re asking this question suggests part of you knows you deserve better. 

You do. 

Your husband’s behavior – the lies, infidelity, and financial exploitation – isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of his choices.

The first step is to put the responsibility for his behavior where it belongs: On HIM. And realize that while people can change, they first have to admit something is very seriously wrong with their behavior and put enormous work into changing themselves. Don’t expect his behavior to change, even if his words promise something different. Watch what he does, not what he says or promises.

Next, begin to protect yourself by slowly withdrawing from the “invitation” to fight with him about his toxic behavior. And expect pushback when you no longer take the bait. He’ll get curious, and perhaps even intensify his behavior to get a reaction out of you. Next, he may get scared if you don’t react, and might start to court you again or make promises. This is all to be expected.

Switch the focus to yourself instead of him. Begin investigating how you can prepare yourself for a safer, saner life. This varies depending upon your situation, and every relationship is different.

But start by cutting yourself some slack. You have been bamboozled. Snookered. And it’s pretty likely that you were pretty successfully taken in by him. Women often believe they are the luckiest person on Earth for finding such a swell guy. That’s a skillful conman.

You should consider starting with small steps. Would you be willing to:

• Talk with a counselor who specializes in relationship trauma?
• Consult with a financial advisor to understand your options?
• Confide in a trusted friend or family member who can offer support?

Remember, leaving or asking him to leave doesn’t have to happen today. What’s important is building your support system and understanding your options.

You’ve shown strength just by asking this question. That same strength will help you take whatever next steps are right for you, when you’re ready.

What support do you feel you need most right now? Make a list and start with a small step. Don’t try to change everything at once. 

And remember to give yourself grace to grieve, even after you’ve moved on. You had a dream, and now it’s over. You believed you would have a wonderful life and you got one full of heartache. Be gentle to yourself.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K