Found Something on Your Spouse’s Phone? Here’s How to Handle It – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

I found a text thread between my husband and a massage therapist that included heart and 🙂 emojis. We’ve been married 17 years and only recently been deliberately talking about our sex life for the last 6 months – wanting to make it better as both of us were feeling it was lacking (one simple thing is that we both want more).

He had turned off his Google location sharing and didn’t come home that night after work. He told me he wouldn’t be coming home and that he’d had too much to drink. I’m not sure where to start in letting him know that I saw the text thread. I’m not one to go snooping but he’d left his phone in a public space and I was curious.

Heartbroken and Hesitant

Dear Heartbroken and Hesitant,

First, own up to what you did and get that out of the way. “I snooped on your phone. That was wrong, and I am sorry about it.” Let that sink in, and take responsibility for it, whatever his reaction is. He is entitled to a reaction. It means you don’t trust him if that’s not behavior that is cool to do between you. Discuss it. Have it out. Let him have his say. Apologize for it.

Spouses often miss this part. They want to jump right to the punchline without owning up to how they got there. Then, both spouses feel “betrayed:” One for having their privacy betrayed and one for what they discovered after they invaded their spouse’s privacy. Don’t jump over this part.

Really soul search to determine why you did it.

• Have things been off between you both? 
• Have you felt like there has been unusual behavior you haven’t seen before? 
• Do you feel vulnerable and unloved for some reason? 
• Why did you feel the need to invade your husband’s privacy? 

Own up that this action is “your side of the street” and was simply wrong. Whatever you found didn’t justify how you found it. Period.

If your husband wants to jump to what you found, slow it down. Focus on taking responsibility for your actions and asking for his forgiveness. Say, “Whatever I found, I could have come to you first and talked about my feelings about the distance I have felt between us. There was better ways to handle it, than what I did. I’m sorry.”

Let that sink in.

Don’t jump right into what you found.

Let your sincere apology rest in the air for a while. Believe me, it’s worth accepting responsibility for your wrong actions. It helps your spouse to do the same later if the need arises. Mutual forgiveness is the name of the game. Get his forgiveness before continuing.

Then, after an appropriate time has passed, ask if you can talk about what you found. Ask permission. It was an inappropriate search and seizure, and asking permission is the right thing to do.

But notice if:

1) he says no you can’t talk about what you found or

2) focuses on the wrongness of your act. After all, he’s accepted your apology.

He doesn’t have to accept your apology, but if he does, it is time for him to discuss what you found and not how you found it.

Then, keep in mind that you aren’t a police detective in Law and Order. You are a spouse who wants to keep an intimate relationship alive. You are fearful that something is threatening it.

Also, please don’t begin by focusing on his relationship with the massage therapist. Focus on his relationship with you. “I noticed you turned off your Google location. Is there some reason you don’t want me to know where you are at all times anymore?”

Talk about your dedication to improving your sexual life with him and why you are devoted to doing so. Tell him how you think it is going from your end of the bed and ask him his thoughts. Tell him how happy you are to be working on such a vital part of the marriage and how you feel about the fact that it was missing all those years.

Then and only then, ask him how he feels about his relationship with his massage therapist. Is it getting emotionally intimate? (It is already physically intimate because she’s touching him all over his body!) And keep in mind that the heart and 🙂 emojis aren’t evidence of a crime. You don’t understand the relationship between him and this woman. You want to understand it more.

This gives both of you a chance to discuss the appropriate limits on relationships with others.

The important part of this conversation is its overall tone and collaborative nature. You already admitted that you have some mistrust in your relationship, and you have owned up to that. Now, you want to re-establish that trust. Ask him to put the Google location back on if it would make you feel better. Ask him to cut down on his drinking if that worries you.

First and foremost, keep in mind that he is an intimate friend (or should be), and you want to re-establish trust now that you have broken it. Yes, you got that right: We don’t know what he’s done, but your snooping has broken his trust.

Know that if he is having an affair with this woman of any kind, leading with being a friend is the way to go. It usually does come out in the wash eventually. Affairs are usually either discovered or terminated.

If you remain suspicious, be open about it and trust yourself over trusting his answers. In most cases, the body knows when intimacy is happening with another person. Be open about any remaining mistrust and any action you take in the future (including your freedom to hire a private investigator at some point). But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Smile and heart emojis aren’t conclusive proof of anything.

Start with the fact that your “curiosity” comes from somewhere. People who never snooped before but now feel the urge to invade their partner’s phones often have some deeper unconscious reason to do so. This isn’t irrational.  It’s just not decisive proof that he is having an ongoing affair.

Accept that you don’t know what’s happening, but there is a “disturbance in the force.” You will keep investigating until either you figure out (hopefully together) what it is or it disappears—and marital calm returns. Your sex life keeps getting better, and you feel closer. All good.

And kudos for wanting a better sex life! That’s GREAT!!!

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K