Flying the nest, empty nest and feathering the nest. Stages of life with a PDA perspective.

I am Mum to a PDA daughter and today I want to talk a little bit about the stage of life we are at. When we first became aware of PDA as a neurotype, my little one was only 12 years old. She fell into a breakdown at the same time as diagnosis and as such, we grew together as we journeyed her additional illness of OCD and we rode the waves of our lives. Many parents are out there oblivious that they are living as PDA and some discover PDA early on thanks to the growing awareness and the wonders of the connective technology we have these days. We all discover ourselves at different stages and in different ways, each a unique expression with our own stories.

My daughters battle with OCD meant that her dependency on me was above and beyond that of what we call normal for a child Mother relationship. Years of illness so severe that she was unable to leave the home, her bed, make independent decisions or achieve basic tasks pushed me into a role of carer that morphed us into one. Our nightmare with Doctors and the mainstream mental health services further opened my job as Mother to stretch myself to medical decision maker, advocate, voice, teacher and provider. I was her best friend, her guide, her role model, her phycologist, her doctor, her unconditioned love, her world for a time and she was mine. Her being frozen in a capsule of inertia meant that she held a mirror to me. If I got things right, she moved, albeit slowly and if I got things wrong, we got stuck again, at least that is how I see and saw it from a spiritual perspective. We made our nest as comfortable as we could in order to protect us from the outside influences that did not serve her healing and my little bird was under my wing, snuggled and secure. My instincts as a Mother bird were so strong and there was never any doubt on my mind that what she needed was love. That we would get through these times, however long or short they were and that one day, her time to fly the nest would come.

I am in the final months of my 40s as I write this. The transition that a women makes as she enters her 50s is indeed on the horizon and for me, the preparation for my baby bird to fly by herself is interestingly flowing into this same timeline. I am delighted that she has met a wonderful chap and it appears that they are in love. The past few months have seen such huge changes and as I try to keep up, I notice that my baby bird is no longer under my wing nestled in our nest. I wouldn’t say its been a push ‘off you go’ scenario as I thought it might be, on the contrary, its been a steady step up to the edge and a gentle flapping of her own wings as she prepares to fly. As I observe the need for me falling away, I feel a little bit of space that I’m not sure what to do with. Yes I have some exciting plans to study next year and the house has taken on a rather calm serenity and as I realize I’m not being called and asked, but I do feel a little wobbly myself as I reflect on how much she also gives me. She has been the comfort under my wing and the wind. She has kept me secure too in my role as Mother. I know that I will always be her Mum and so I must now begin to find a new confidence in myself as I live my life in a slightly altered position.

I will never say my job is done now because the relationship of Mother and child is never ending even past death we constantly learn from those who are our Mother. I will say though that I am so proud, so grateful to have been chosen by her for my role. The things some might label as mistakes along the way have been our biggest teachers. Getting things wrong can only ever lead to right. Creating a relationship that is equal, respectful, inclusive, open, experimental and above all loving is everything I could ever wish for. Seeing her happy and healthy is in every breath I take. I will always have our nest feathered for if and when she needs me, or if she just wants a safe place to land and be.

In the beginning of our PDA awareness and for many years along the way, I have as Mum worried about my darlings future. How she will live in a world that is set up on the whole for compliance and rule following. However, I knew that she needed to have the space and respect to follow her passions, not be hemmed in and be allowed to nurture her individuality. We adapted everything to allow these things to flourish, the school we chose, the country we emigrated to, the friends we surrounded us with and the values we stood for. I do feel that this was absolutely the right thing to do and I am so proud of my warrior girl who tells it how it is and follows her inner needs to tell her what she should do each day. She is loving, funny, contagious, brave and beautiful. For anyone reading this who may still be having worries for their childs future. You can only guide and support, you cannot control the outcome and it is not our place to make them fit a mould. If you stand for good, for honesty, for strong values and do no harm to others, they will know right from wrong. If you do not force, demand, expect or enforce, the thank yous and I love you’s you hear will be genuine and not just because. I believe that PDA and the changes from the norm that that brings, is the change we need to set deep new pathways in todays society. I hope that this post has brought hope that PDA future and your baby flying the nest isn’t as scary as we might think.