Express Frustration Without Calling Your Spouse Names – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

Is it ok for one to call one’s spouse useless in any context?

Words That Wound

Dear Words That Wound,

Describing one’s personality or capacity in a negative light is always either criticism or contempt.

What to do instead? Describe how you feel:

• I am feeling so frustrated that this job is taking so long. I wish you had called a plumber.
• I am disappointed that you said you would do this but haven’t. Please don’t promise something if you don’t intend to do it.
• I am overwhelmed and really needed your help on this thing. I feel let down and now I prefer to do it myself.
• I’m mad at you. This dinner meant a lot to me and you not ordering it beforehand meant we won’t have the shrimp I was counting on serving.
• The airplane tickets will cost double now because you put off ordering them. I am furious because it means we will have much less money to spend on vacation.

Sharing feelings, even “negative feelings,” is about you. Calling someone “useless,” however, is about them and their character flaws.

Take a few extra minutes to frame how you would like to speak to your spouse to show them the respect we all deserve. And a hint is that if you can point a finger as you say what you imagine saying, rephrase that.

Also, check your heart rate. If you are insulting your partner, you may be “flooded,”  in which case it’s time to separate and calm down.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K