[EP42] How to be More Honest About Your Feelings to Your Husband

Transcript

Welcome back to another episode of the Awakened Wife Podcast. I’m Natasha Koo, and welcome to the 42nd episode. Today, we’re really going to expand keep expanding on this topic of honesty and emotions and how to work through that. But for this episode is especially created for the wives out there who want to and who want to know how to be more honest about your feelings to your husband. Now, this has been an ongoing series, hasn’t it been, for example, Episode 38, we talked about being authentic in a relationship, Episode 39, about how to be honest with yourself, first of all, Episode 40, we covered how lying destroys relationships or marriages, and the last episode, why men lie. So we’ve been covering this topic of honesty, and you know, how that really looks and how that could work and how you can achieve that within your own relationship for the past weeks. So I really hope that this kind of through Outlook, can help you and your relationship. 

So today, let’s get really practical because there are five points that I want to share with you, that can help you to find out exactly how to be more honest about your feelings to your husband, we all want to how to you all want to break this impossible task down, right. So let’s get into it. Now, the first thing that you step you can do, or the step you can take is to realize the cost of not being about your feelings. We actually talked about this quite extensively. In our previous episode, how online destroys relationships. So if you want to visit, revisit that that’s an episode 40. But it’s really strange, because in a lot of relationships, lying actually becomes normal or accepted. Not only that, there are certain areas within ourselves or within our life, where we don’t share those particular aspects, even to ourselves or to our partner. 

So when that becomes the norm, we don’t even realize how much it is destroying our relationships or how much we’re losing by not having honesty in the first place. I know that a lot of you are actually looking for a marriage that is beautiful one that you look forward to that you come home to one that’s long lasting, where you have that trust, and you don’t have to doubt and you don’t have to waver and you’re not just completely consumed by worries. And the trouble is that that relationship causes you Well, one way to go about avoiding that kind of place to be stuck in within a marriage relationship is to actually know that honesty as a foundation block. And on top of that communication. On top of that, that is an requirement, a requirement if you want a relationship that is healthy and thriving, and that lasts a long, long time.

Because we can only hide so many things within ourselves or from other people until it blows up in our face, right? some point or another, we will have to learn that lesson, or some point or another we can hold our truth in anymore. And then we explode at the worst time possible to our partners. So when we are not being honest with our own feelings, we are cut off from our truth we can’t show up as authentically as we want to. And that means that the relationship that you’re in isn’t even the one that you want, because you’re not bringing the essential ingredients into the relationship so that you can actually be that so that you can actually show up and give your point of view and give your honest take on things which is so needed if you want an exceptional relationship. So a lot of people don’t realize the cost of being honest because it’s so scary, right? 

And which leads me to the second point, which is, you know, the second step on how to be honest about your feelings your husband is to really be honest to about these feelings to yourself first, right? And this can be quite scary for a lot of people. I know that for me, I avoid feeling things for a long, long time, I didn’t know myself. And I didn’t want to slow down, become quiet and actually listen and feel what’s going on within my body, or what’s going on inside of me, in general, because I had avoided feeling for so long, that feeling meant that there were loads and loads of emotions and stuff from the past that was just all stuck inside there. And if I was to feel it, it, it, it scared me because I didn’t know what would come out of it. Now, when you are being honest about these feelings to yourself, what you’re really doing is that you’re allowing yourself to be human, you’re giving yourself compassion, you’re giving yourself empathy, and you’re giving yourself the space to actually be, and to live, and be okay, ultimately. 

Because if you’re cut off from feeling, and you’re not honest about what’s going on inside of you, then it’s impossible to have an authentic relationship period. And not only that, your partner can’t even help you. Even if you want their help, or want their support, they don’t know what it is that you need, because you don’t know it yourself. So by being honest about the feelings to yourself, this takes time and this takes a certain skill, it takes a certain skill, to be in tune with yourself, and to not be afraid of the emotions and the sensations that you can go through. I can’t count the number of times that, you know, growing up people have told me Oh, stop crying, it’s nothing like oh, just wipe the tears away, don’t cry, don’t cry, it’s okay. Well, you know, through up through through life, we’re constantly told to shove our emotions away. 

Even if we need that outbursts, even though we need the expression of it, because it’s healthy, we’re so often told to stop that emotional processing, really, to, to complete itself. So, so many emotions are stuck within us. And we, a lot of us don’t know how to access it. So like I said, it really is a skill. And as a skill that we teach within the cherish wife program, unleash your goddess because really, to tap into who we really are to feel in that to that empowering to one wonderful sensation of being a woman and showing up as a wife and being who you want to be and are meant to be. That means that you get in there, you face these emotions, and you become honest about it. And there are ways to access these emotions and to face it every day, without the complete overwhelm without the deer in the headlights, kind of, you know, sensation you might get when you think about being honest to yourself about your feelings. 

Because there’s ways where we can digest his emotions, we were born, we were born ready to express it and to show it and to live it, you know, children, they have no problem expressing or feeling their emotions. Are you kidding me? No, they’re, they’re straightaway expressing it being it and then it’s over. And that’s the healthy bit of emotional processing. Okay, cognitively, children might not have that, you know, mental capacity to actually understand fully, especially their if they’re toddlers, what’s truly going on and make sense of that. But they’re at least letting their body complete that process of feeling. And so we, as women need to be honest to ourselves and give ourselves that freedom to actually feel to feel. So one thing that we can do, of course, is to want and a desire to chase after these beautiful feelings that we want in our relationship or that we even demand from our partner. 

Okay, maybe that’s what where you’re coming from, but how about all the other emotions, if you want that, then you got to make peace with all the other emotions, whether you call it good or bad, or dark. It’s there and it’s human. And it’s a requirement for being honest to yourself that you can be honest to your partner about your feelings. So the third step really, it’s kind of all quite related is to accept your vulnerability. Okay. Emotions, they come they pass through us, we cry, we feel sadness. We feel you know, pain feel lost, we feel grief, we feel happy, we feel joyous, we feel light, we feel relief, all of these things. Yeah, sometimes it hurts. And yeah, sometimes it’s very raw. And sometimes it’s scary, because it’s intense, its intense, we feel out of control. 

But we’re not, we’re not. If you actually learn the skills to process through emotions, and to have that capacity to experience it without completely getting lost in it, then that’s skill can help you to know what it is that you’re feeling, to see it for what it is without getting lost in it, and then to actually communicate what it is that you need to, to your partner or to to other people, that is so important to be able to do that. But if you are busily this thing, right, and if you fight against this process, if you fight against being vulnerable, and feeling raw and living it, accepting that you are an emotional being that you have feelings, and that you can feel them, and that’s okay. And sometimes it can be a lot. 

And sometimes it takes time to pass through. If you don’t accept this process, or if you don’t know the skills to actually do that in a way where you know, you know that at the end of the day, you’re actually okay, then, of course, it’s so scary that we want to stop being vulnerable is smart to not feel right, which directly impacts us from being honest. it disables us from being honest. So in this third step, in accepting your vulnerability, you really have to make peace with this. And it is not about asking yourself to make peace with your emotions, it’s not, it’s about learning the right skills and the tools at hand, so that when they do come up, you know that you’re equipped, you know, that you’re okay, and you can take it on. And you actually know, in some ways what to expect. If we have very deep loss, if we have very deep grief, if we have very deep sadness or disappointment, in a way, a lot of these emotions come like a wave. 

And they go also, if we let it pass through us, we have the skills to kind of, you know, be with it with a bit of space, as we feel these emotions. No matter the type of emotions, or the cause of our emotional experience in the feelings there, they all take on a very similar process, from beginning to end, is when we don’t have the skills and we lose sight of reality and what’s going on, we completely lose ourselves, within the emotions and our feelings, that that’s when you can very easily get into depression or have anxiety attacks, it’s, you’re completely lost in it. And in that moment, you have lost also the ability to make sense of your feelings, to ground yourself. And to actually let the process complete itself in a healthy way. 

And so if knowing how to connect to your feelings, and hold a space for yourself, and, and do this in a way that’s healthy, and to meet vulnerability with strength, and know that ultimately you’re okay, if these things are things that you know, you can maybe get better at or that could really help me if he knew how to do all those things, then make sure to head over to your exceptional relationship.com For slash cherished because in our cherished wife program, we really help you to know how to face these emotions and face the truth within you full on Okay, and now for the fourth step is to know that okay, I can I can be rejected when I do share my feelings with my partner, right? So the first step of course, is to first know, okay, there is something to feel within me. What am I feeling? What is my truth? What are emotions? What’s going on? What am I feeling? 

And then as you process thought, in a healthy way, and you accept that and you’re vulnerable, and you share with your partner, of course, it could be that they, they reject or didn’t deny what you’re going through, and a lot of people are so afraid, so afraid to be rejected by their partner that they would rather hide many parts of themselves, or even the majority of who they really are from their partner. And they’d rather show what or who they think they should be what other people want them to be. So that kind of approach, right, that approach where you’re hiding bits of yourself, you’re not showing up authentically, you’re not in tune with who you are, and you’re afraid to step up, and to be who you are. 

That is informed by fear, the fear of rejection, and all of those things leads you to an in authentic relationship, right? Where many years later, you’re going to be so exhausted from keeping the ACT UP, because it’s not who you are. And it’s not how you feel. And so, the way we can show authentically and to share our feelings with our partner is to actually assess the possibility that you could be rejected. Now, the key point here isn’t that you could be rejected is that your message could be rejected. Because no one can truly reject you, there’s nothing to be approved of you are just who you are, you know, there is no scale to judge you against, there’s nothing to approve of you or to do not approve of you for there’s no paperwork being done here. No checklists here. It’s just the fact that your reality, your experience, and your message that you’re sharing with your partner, that could get lost, and that could be rejected. 

But that in itself is also something that you cannot even control. Or you can do. And all you have power to do is to connect with yourself, know yourself, to feel what’s going on, and to share those feelings. Because you cannot control the way in which your partner responds. And neither can you can really control how they receive that message. Because they can interpret it it in the way that they will write, because they’re a completely different human being completely different experience of the past and completely different processing within their own mind. And so, to be more honest with your feelings with your partner, you have to know that you, you just only have a job of sharing, and sharing, authentically sharing or sharing vulnerably and sharing honestly. And that’s all that you can do. 

But when you come from this place, right, the last step of setting your vulnerability when you come from this place where you are vulnerable, and you’re soft. And in a way you’re not coming in with an agenda in a way you are surrendered, helpless in an empowered way. Right, because you’re not in trying to get something you’re just sharing, you’re just being extending your current, I guess energy to your partner. And you let go of the expectation of them. And you’re just sharing what you’re feeling what you’re being in this moment. That opens a door that opens, this creates this invitation for your partner to actually come towards you, and to support you and to help you and to be there for you. Because you are so open. But when you’re locked up and you’re fearing rejection, then you’re not being vulnerable, you’re not being honest with yourself, then it will not work. Right. 

So let’s take that last step of being more honest about your feelings to your husband. And this is super practical. It’s about making the commitment to actually communicate your feelings, right? A lot of this is in our work where you get to know your own feelings, you make peace with it, right, all of that. But to communicate it, it really takes that next step where you’re not sharing it and putting it into the world. And for a lot of people who for the longest time didn’t even acknowledge nor find their feelings to be valid, right how they feel what they need to be valid. This is scary. Right? To communicate and to think that you have to write where you have to, you should take the space to do this, right? 

A lot of women actually think that, okay, if I, if I ask for what I want, if I, if I communicate my feelings, they’ll just think I’m nagging that they’ll just think I’m complaining. That’s not true. That’s not true. If you’re really tapped into how you feel it comes up vulnerable, beautiful, soft place of just truth and honesty. Now, this, this, for those of you who find it quite scary to say those words to another human being, then it takes commitment, right, we have to make a commitment to communicate your feelings. And there are lots of practices. And yeah, Kim and I, this is the reasons why we work with women to really overcome these fears and past patterns of being blocked off, either from yourself or from healthily communicating this outward. For example, one practice is actually write it down, write it down onto paper free, just just stream of consciousness, just let it out, put your pen onto paper and just write out how you’re feeling. 

You don’t need to say it, but just put it down out here into the physical, and it’s going to feel like a relief, it’s going to feel like a release. Now you allow yourself to write down whatever it is that comes to mind. And that’s super, super, super important. Because that’s just one step forward to communicating your feelings to communicating to no one, you’re just putting it down to paper, there’s no one to read it. But it’s out, right. And when it comes to communicating topics that are tricky. A lot of us really can get lost here, too, right? We can get triggered, we can expect a fight and argument we can expect our partner to shut down when we shut down or we run away before the conversation even begins. And so all a lot of these things can happen, right? Especially if we’re not so good at it yet. If that’s you, and you want help with how to communicate your feelings, or how to communicate quite sensitive topics, then make sure to check out a communication quiz that we have is a fun little quiz. You can do it very quickly. 

But there you can actually figure out okay, where do I go wrong? Where do I go wrong in my communication? Where can I improve? And how come I sometimes run into trouble. Or you can find out that maybe you’re doing really well with your communication. So you can actually access that quiz for free at your exceptional relationship.com For slash understand. And so that’s the last tip that I want to share with you when it comes to communicating your feelings. But the key here is to commitment. Right? So, so pause for a second, you’re listening to this episode, because you want to know how to be more honest about your feelings to your husband? Do you really want that? Do you really want an authentic, honest, truthful relationship where there’s built on trust, where it’s based on sharing from a vulnerable, honest place where no one is wearing masks anymore, but you’re just being who you are, and you’re showing up as who you are. 

And you’re asking for help and support from who you really are and from the place of what you really need? Is that what you want? Because if it is, then you have to commit, commit to connecting to yourself, right? You have to realize the cost of not being honest about your feelings, then you have to be honest about your feelings to yourself. Give yourself that opportunity that that that kindness to actually feel and when that process comes learn the skills work with someone doesn’t have to be at humor me just work with someone to actually learn those skills to be okay with the emotions are you actually feeling the feelings that come up, no matter how overwhelming and then you can accept your vulnerability, because that is a part of feeling and being human. And when you’re ready to step out, and share that and bring that into your relationship. 

You got to face the fears of rejection. And lastly, if it’s not something that you’re currently already doing, then you actually have to make a commitment to actually communicate your feelings to your partner and within your relationship. This might sound like a lot. I have to say that it is five solid steps to take. Because we’re not talking about tweaking a little here, thing here and here or there, we’re talking about fundamentally changing how you show up for yourself. So you’re kinder, so that you feel good. And you’re changing the way in which you are being with your partner, which is being more authentic and honest and true. And even if it seems like work now, imagine how much work it would take. If you are years down the line in a relationship, and you’ve built up so much falsehood, right? 

You’ve pretended for so long, you’ve shoved down your emotions for so long, or you’ve had just awful fights or arguments for so long, because the communication keeps on getting lost. The message never really hits, right, everything has become so emotional, because we haven’t been honest about our feelings to herself or with our partner, because that is the ultimate end. That is there. Either you shut off from one another, you are disconnected and blocked out from each other, when you are not honest about feeling your your feelings to one another or to yourself, or there are so many feelings so loaded, that every time you do speak and try to work things out, explodes, right?

There are two scenarios in which this can go into. And those are the ultimate outcomes that are waiting, if you do not address this and take the steps that are necessary and required. And I feel you sometimes it’s it isn’t, it absolutely is not difficult. I mean, it is absolutely difficult to get to certain places like that, if we’ve been repeating a certain pattern from the past, if we grew up in a household when no one talks about our feelings, where everyone just explodes whenever they want to and think that’s the most convenient way to go about doing relationships. You know, so many of us have grown up in a household where, you know, it’s really unhealthy how we deal with our feelings and how we communicate or not at all right to others about it. 

But now it’s your turn to actually bring this capacity, this skill, this knowledge into your own life, so that you are no longer scared. And you can actually bring your relationship marriage back on track. And so those are my five tips, steps that I’ve shared with you today. I hope that it helps you. If you want more a feel like oh my goodness, this is really, really scraping the surface. I mean more or those are five solid steps. Okay, now help me apply it to my relationship because I’m ready to repair it. 

Now. I want it to be the best ever, then please reach out to me or your team at your relationship, your exceptional relationship.com forward slash cherished, to get to know how you can work with us further, because we really care that you are able to live that wonderful love that empowering love that you truly deserve in your life. And you don’t need to wait for it. You can get closer to that right now. So thanks for joining me and join us next week about how to build honesty within our relationship. So until then, and take care