[EP40] How Lying Destroys Relationships

Transcript

Welcome back to another episode of The Awaken wife Podcast. I’m Natasha Koo. And I am going to be walking you through speaking to you in this episode number 40. All about how lying destroys relationships. 

On episode 39. The previous one we were really talking Yeah, human eye about how to be honest with yourself. And we thought, well, the perfect next topic would definitely be about trust, and lying within the relationship. Right. And so let’s dive into it. Because this is a huge one. It’s one that I feel like many, many couples out there actually struggle with. And it might be something that is habitual and might be have might have, you know, been in place for a while now. But it’s something that’s not quite working, and you don’t know what to do about it. Right? And so, first of all, let’s let’s uncover, why do we lie in relationships? 

First of all, Okay, before we get into the three main reasons why lying destroys relationships and marriages, why do we lie? Why do we lie? Now, there’s one main thing and certain dynamic that can play out, which makes lying of critical strategy that people used to feel okay, and be okay, in a relationship, even though lying, it’s not alright, at least for me is not all right. It’s not honest. It’s not transparent, and is not on a foundation of a healthy communication and relationship. Right? So what is that one dynamic that causes us to lie in relationships. One is that there is judgment, okay. And expectation from the other partner, that you have to be at, say, whatever it is a certain way. And if you don’t, you’re going to get a negative consequence from that. And so because you want to avoid a negative reaction from your partner, you lie, right. 

So you hide certain things you avoid, you know, giving certain facts, and you maybe share a little bit, but not everything, or you outright actually lie. So giving false information to your partner. This is a really strong dynamic that can play out, especially when, you know, one of your partner seems to have this, you know, power struggle with you, right, where one is constantly displeased and unhappy with you and not satisfied and nagging you, then you might enter this dynamic where one partner is constantly being let down by the other partner through to what they expect, right? Their expectations. 

And from that dynamic, one partner doesn’t want to deal with the negative consequence of failing them or doing the wrong thing again, or getting in trouble again. And so they want to withhold as much information as possible so that they don’t get into trouble. Right? They don’t make their partner angry or upset. And so this whole dynamic, then causes them to keep doing it. It makes lying, that part of communication that makes that partner feel safe, right. And so this is one of the main reasons why couples lie within the relationship. 

Another reason is that there are other things happening outside of the relationship like cheating, right? Maybe physical or emotional, or other aspects that you don’t want to bring into your relationship or share with your partner. Because you think that if you do then the relationship is over. So it’s kind of like this scenario where it’s not no longer about the dynamic I described before. This is more about the fact that the relationship is in a rocky place, it is not that person’s priority anymore. They’re not committed anymore, yet, they still want to hold on to the relationship. And so they’re one other options, they’re cheating, they’re doing other things, but they’re doing it at the same time, right. So in order to kind of hold on to this relationship and keep it going for whatever reason, yet do other things on the side that you might not, you know, be okay with, then then then they lie, right to keep this two very opposing realities going. 

And so those are the two main reasons and, and either one, but one of them, both of them actually come from a place of self preservation, they come from a place of trying to protect yourself, either holding on to a marriage that is failing, that isn’t working out, that needs a significant amount of help and healing, or is to protect yourself from getting attacked, getting nagged at disappointing your partner. You know, the negative consequence of them being unhappy with you both is a self-preservation kind of reaction, right? A mode of operating a mode of communicating that you’re trying to save yourself, right, you’re trying to ultimately use lying as a strategy to change the outcome of what your partner will do. Okay. 

And so those are the reasons why the most common reasons why we lie in relationships or in marriages. Now, now that I’ve kind of described both, it might be quite apparent to you that most, most definitely, neither one are beneficial at the end of the day. Both are quite fear based, right. And it’s not coming from a place of I want a thriving healthy, long term, you know, just incredible Lee, nourishing relationship full of intimacy and love and kindness and, and trust, right, if none of those things, the lining actually has this tinge of fear in it, right, you’re trying to control a future outcome, you’re scared of something in the future, happening to you. So you’re doing what you can to actually hold on to what you want to have as an outcome. 

But if you take this approach, because it isn’t authentic, right, it isn’t true. The more you do it, the more it creates this gap between what’s real and what’s actually going on. So then it ultimately does destroy the relationship in three main ways. So the first way is that trust is undermined every time you lie. Right? Every time lying occurs, trust is undermined. Why? Because like I said, the gap between reality and what’s true, and what you’re conveying, communicating becomes bigger and bigger, this gap, right? And either partner, probably one partner who has been lied to is going to be misled. And they’re going to believe and be in a certain alternate relationship, alternate marriage, alternate universe, then you because they believe that things are happening in that way, you know, the false the falsified truths, or whatever it is, that’s, that’s that you provided to them as the lie. That’s what if they truly believe it, and they fall for it, then that they’re living in that reality of that truth, right? 

And that information is going to inform how they behave. And so there’s this thing gap between what’s real and what they believe. 

And as you become Miss aligned as people, right, within this relationship, that trust is undermined. And yes, some people go through years without figuring out that they’re being lied to. But eventually, at some point, the truth comes out. And I’ve seen this for myself that sometimes the truth comes out after the relationship has ended, or when one partner passes away, okay? And, and somehow the truth is still able to come out when they’ve passed. And life has this really strange way of making you see what reality really is, and you can’t hide from it from for too long. And so, even though you might get away with it for a while, still, that trust is undermined and Things will unravel. Right. 

And so when it does that gap and the amount of time and a number of times that line has occurred, it, it wedges, wedges that trust. And it builds that, I guess, distrust between you and it creates this gap, where you are further apart from one another. And also, you start to wonder what is real then, right. So, doubt can come in, and that makes the relationship even more rocky. And then there’s a lot of making up to do also. So, when trust is undermined, and there’s a big disconnect, and when the truth comes out, and there’s a lot of explaining to do, there’s a lot of clarifying to do, there’s a lot of making up to do, that is a rough process for anyone, right? Even if the partner has admitted that they have done something wrong, and that they don’t agree with it and are happy with it. Still, the trust is undermined and is something that needs to be recovered from. And some relationships don’t actually recover from that, because people don’t know how to move on from a big betrayal or a big event like that. 

Now, the second reason why lying destroys relationships, is that lying in itself, whether it’s from one person, we’re both people, it is from a self centered place, like I mentioned earlier, why we lie is due to fear. We’re trying to control the outcome, we’re looking out for ourselves, right, we’re trying to manage a situation or our partner. And that in itself is from the perspective that you’re looking out for you. There is no team in this is just what you want, and how you can get it right now. Right. And so when you come from this place, this, I guess, perspective, you and your partner are not connected in United as a team. And that in itself already means that there is a disconnect, that you have become either enemies to one another, where you actually disagree with one another, you are at odds. And it’s a struggle to find cooperation, and to work together to find solutions together, right to make things work.

So here, lying, and people looking out for themselves and acting in their own interest destroys a relationship, because there isn’t that oneness, there isn’t that unity. And there is not that teamwork. So when people resort to lying, it just means that you have given up on the fact that you could work on it together and that you could grow from this, even if it’s something that might be unpleasant at the very beginning, it still could be worked through. So when people lie, they’re looking out for themselves, they’re looking for their own best interest, and not that of their partner or their relationship long term. And because of this perspective, which are very short term, and fear based, it does destroy the relationship in the marriage, it creates these cracks every time you do it. Now, the last reason how lying destroys relationships and marriages, is that through all this disconnection, right, this self centered view of self preservation, 

I don’t blame anyone who lies. Okay, I’m saying that for some, it might be something you’ve learned from your childhood, because you might have had a very overbearing parent, or person of authority growing up, and there’s only wait for you to get out of trouble. And the only way for you to innocently be okay, because you were always in trouble, let’s say whether you did something wrong or not. So you learned to hide certain facts to not say the whole truth and to even lie at moments for your own safety for your own protection, right. And so for many people, lying becomes habitual, and it becomes something that they do because they used to do it as a child, and they benefited greatly from getting less backlash, and unless, whatever, you know, verbal abuse and that might have been there, right? 

So for children, they learn to lie, because they want to stay safe now, or get what they want. Now, for this case, if it keeps going, it destroys the relationship because every time you do it creates that disconnect, right that disconnect and there is no connection and there is no intimacy and there’s no oneness and when you like you actually are dumbing down the other partner into someone who is just, you know, taking in whatever information you’re giving, you’re not really feeling into them in that moment, you’re not looking really at them, and connecting with them, looking at them in the eyes, you know, having an intimate moment when you communicate in this way, because when you lie, you’re more absorbed in the outcome being right and controlling the situation controlling their reaction, you’re not looking for authentic connection and authentic communication, where understanding comes in, right. 

And so without that connection, and understanding and that intimacy, that is destroying the relationship when you lie. And so those are the three main reasons how lying destroys relationships, it is a tactic, and no doubt about it. You know, throughout our day, we might even have white lies here and there, and it’s something that might be socially acceptable. And some might even say, Well, I don’t want to tell my partner, every single thing, right? I don’t want them to know every single thing. Maybe they don’t even have the right to know every single thing. But when we’re talking about lying in relationships, and how it destroys relationships, and marriages, we’re talking about the fact that there’s a communication tactic in place, whether you’re aware of it or not, that is hindering you from having intimacy and connection. 

It’s a strategy where trust is undermined. And it’s one that makes you not as a team and further apart, and acting as if you and your partner are individuals that you can control, right, and shift so that you can get away with things. Or you can, I guess, come out of certain things, and scattered, right. But you that isn’t a true marriage here. Especially when it comes to have an exceptional relationship, where you wait want to be after it’s a relationship that has feel so good within your belly, it fills your heart, it fills your tummy, it feels amazing, you want to come home to this, you don’t want to be in your head, thinking about what’s the next thing to say. So that I can avoid a certain situation where I can get away with a certain thing. Or if you’ve lied, then trying to figure out how do I make up for it? If I do get found out? Right? 

Those are not things you want to even put your energy into. And my honest tip here is that you don’t have to lie in order to change and manipulate the situation. Right? You can actually work cooperatively if you actually know how to deal with conflicts, effectively. And that’s one of the reasons why you document and I actually created a free communications quiz to figure out okay, how is our communication? Is there a lot of misunderstanding? You know, is there a lot of disconnect when we do talk, whether you lie or not, that beside the fact that communication is that glue that brings you and your partner into the same space, right? And so if you want to take that quiz, which is completely free and troubleshoot, okay, how is communication in my relationship? Okay? 

Because lie is just one part, one landmine within your relationship within your communication. So if you want to take that free quiz and check, okay, where are we? And how can we improve? What What, where should we go from here, then make sure to check out your relationship, your exceptional relationship.com, forward slash, understand. And that’s where you can get a free quiz to troubleshoot your communication. And so, when it comes to lying, some people definitely think about distrust, right? And one question that we got this week is actually, should you check your partner’s phone? Okay, should you take your partner’s phone? Now? Let’s pause here for a moment. Why would you want to check your partner’s phone? Right? 

What does that entail? What does that mean? It means that probably, there are things that you want to know or you have doubts about, you’re unsure about, that you want to get the receipts of from your partner’s phone to make sure that whatever you are assuming or thinking that is true or not true, right to confirm a certain theory you might be having about a situation or relationship that your partner has with another person. Now, all this all this is a way to skirt around, go around the fact that you could actually speak to your partner about whatever it is that you’re wondering about. Okay. And that might sound absolutely crazy insane for a lot of people. Why? 

Because effective communication is not in place, because a lot of couples actually lack their communication tools to actually address tough difficult topics. And so when you are trying to get onto your partner’s phone, it is just another strategy to avoid having a real, honest, transparent, connected conversation with your partner. Right? Because you’re trying to get information without them knowing, right. And so this is the thing. So many of us have gotten used to the fact that this is okay, or this is normal. And so many people have been lied to. And so many people are used to, you know, being lied to, or have my themselves in relationship and think that well, from time to time, maybe it’s all right. But what I’m saying is that it is a sure sign when there’s lying systematic lying in their relationship, what it means is that either you or your partner feel uncomfortable or unsafe to bring up important topics to each other. 

So it means that there is a breakdown of communication within your relationship. Whether that is actually stemming from distrust is another thing or you doubting your compatibility or your relationship. That’s another topic. But the fact is, is that it does mean that your communication isn’t there, both in the skills, and the space in which you hold for those difficult conversations. And I know, it’s definitely not easy to go face on tough topics, and to start talking about things that you might have lied about, or that was never ever addressed within your relationship. But that’s the one one of the reasons why Yeah, him and I actually really, really advocate couples to please, once a week, sit down together and have a meeting with one another, share with each other. You know, what are you grateful for? 

What, what went well, and also for you to, in a safe space, bring up different things that you’re struggling with, and that you want to talk about? Because when it comes to lying, and all the people on this planet that you could connect to and communicate with? Why are we choosing to lie to our partner, the one we’re supposed to love and connect most deeply with? It makes no sense, right? What it means is that, yes, you might be compatible, you might love each other. But that’s not enough to keep that relationship thriving and exceptional. What is needed are crucial communications skills that can keep you on the right track, by making communication healthy, consistently. And that helps you to build an unbreakable marriage and relationship where lying won’t destroy, and bridge, create this gap between the two of you. So I hope that what I shared today, though, a lot, and I came on really strong, just handing you all the facts that I know, it can be hard to take, especially if you’re the one doing the lying, right. 

But if you’re also lied to know that be empathetic, that your partner is also just trying to do their best to, you know, keep themselves safe, is just that there hasn’t been a safe space for the both of you to come together and with the right communication skills to deal with tough topics and have those talks. And so now that you know there are different ways of approaching communication and how you engage with one another. I really encourage you if you need help or there is lying within your relationship and you really feel like it’s destroying your marriage or relationship then please head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash cherished there you can check out our coaching program where we help couples or just one you how to actually deal with these tough situations that feels so impossible, overwhelming and a huge to tackle alone. The fact is you don’t need to face any of these issues alone. 

People like yeah, Kim and I have gone through it, we’ve helped people with it. And there’s a way out that actually works. So if you’re struggling with this, know that, you know what, there are people out there who can absolutely help you in turn things around. And no matter how many talks I know people have with their girlfriends or, you know, they read books or magazines, it doesn’t work as well as one on one, applying strategies that actually fit your current situation. And so with that, I’m going to leave you and with the three, I guess, reasons how lying destroys relationships, and also for next week, make sure to join us and tune in, because we’ll be talking about how to be more honest about your feelings. That’s crucial when it comes to, you know, having those tough conversations, right? 

How do you bring your thoughts and your views and your honesty onto the table without really, you know, making it as an attack or something that your partner will take as a trigger and become defensive about so that will be next week. But until then, I hope that this episode has helped you. Make sure to you know, leave us some reviews and some stars on whichever platform you’re looking at your listening from. If we have helped you in any way so far, so talk to you next week.