[EP38] How To Be Authentic In A Relationship

Transcript

Natasha: Welcome back to another episode of the Awakened Wife, Podcast. I’m Natasha Koo—

Jachym: I’m Jachym Jerie.

Natasha: And today we’re going to be talking about how to be authentic in a relationship, we’re going to be covering several points that are going to be very practical steps that you can take to move in that direction. And I think this is quite important of a topic. Because as the relationship evolves, or as your marriage evolves, you know, you’re asked to be different people sometimes or certain needs and our kind of voice and you have to meet that. And over time, you see that, not only are you growing as a couple, but as individuals, you have changed since the moment that you’ve met. 

And sometimes that change has become one where you have become someone else because you’re trying to make the marriage work, where you’re trying to sometimes please the other person, or, you know, there’s there might be different dependencies, in terms of the dynamic that has occurred within your relationship. So at least from our experience, what we’ve noticed with many long-term couples, is that they find that they start to become inauthentic. And that this honesty, either within themselves is starting to show. But yet, it’s hard to find that balance between being authentic to themselves, and yet making the relationship work.  

So a lot of the time, what we find is that a lot of people lose themselves might lose themselves. As they kind of be the person that the partner wants them to be. But that might not necessarily be their truth. And so today, we’re going to be kind of sharing more and more about this topic, because so many people go through it. And it is absolutely true, because the relationship itself is dynamic, and so is. So are you are the individuals involved. So how do you stay authentic to yourself? And how do you stay authentic to your partner? And how do you stay authentic within the relationship? So those are the topics that we really want to uncover with you. And let’s get started.

Jachym: So the very first thing that is absolutely crucial when becomes authentic and authenticity in a relationship. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a marriage, or whether it’s a friendship, or whatever it is to actually be honest with yourself. And this may sound easier than actually is because we are looking for, you know, being validated and loved by the other person. And so sometimes we actually suppress things before they even surface and we may not even realize ourselves, because we have been habituated to being inauthentic or to not being honest with ourselves, that we stopped being honest to ourselves, period, and we take almost a lie on as our truth. 

Even though it’s actually not our truth, if we were to act, be with ourselves, and reflect a bit more deeper and feeling ourselves we would actually behave differently. So being honest with yourself is so crucial. Now, how are you going, to be honest with yourself? Well, being honest with yourself, starts with the intention, right to actually want to do that. And then the second thing that’s really important is to stop trying to think it all through, right, because our head can create all kinds of ideas and counter-arguments, and whatever and rationalizations which are not grounded within our body. 

So you really have to feel your body, you have to feel what’s happening within you and sharpen your awareness of what’s going on within you. Because if you’re not aware of what’s inside of you, how can you then bring it out into the relationship? You can’t. And so being grounded in the body rather than being disconnected and rationalizing all kinds of things in your head about the relationship and about yourself, is really the very first step to being authentic.

Natasha: One of the reasons why we find it so difficult, to be honest with ourselves and to look inward is because especially within the relationship, we often look towards the other partner for reasons why that things aren’t going well or we’re looking towards our partner for certain things to be met from them, right. So oftentimes, there’s this kind of automatic response to first look outside of ourselves, especially, you know, judging or trying to analyze what your partner’s doing or what they shouldn’t be doing. And going in that direction first, when being honest with yourself actually takes that puts that on pause on hold so that you can actually first examine and feel what’s going on within you. And so it’s a pivot is a pivot of perspective. 

And it’s also a pivot of introspection in that you want to start to get to know yourself, connect yourself and feel what’s happening within you. And this is a really, really crucial point really, when it comes to being authentic in a relationship because no one else can be you. And only you can know yourself and express that. So no one else can ever do this job for you. Being honest to yourself, and connecting to yourself is the one thing that you can do. So no one else can do it. And not even, you know, marriage coaches or relationship coaches, we can’t, but we can help the process. So that you don’t, you’re not afraid to dive in, right, you’re not afraid to feel and to get to know what’s going on inside. 

Because we understand it can be a really scary process if it’s new. And that’s also one of the reasons why we work with our clients, one on one, because some of those emotions are what’s inside, you know, it’s scary to uncover, especially if it’s something that you’re new to, or you know that there are just topics that you’ve kind of hidden away, you’ve become a version of yourself that’s inauthentic that you don’t necessarily like, but yet, you don’t know what to do, right. 

And so that’s where our coaching and help come in. If you want to know more about that, you can always head over to your exceptional relationship.com For slash cherished. And so the next point that we want to present to you really, for being more authentic within your relationship is to not look for approval from the other person, I kind of touched on it just now deny by saying that oftentimes, we are so outwardly focused, but let’s unravel that a little bit more.

Jachym: At the heart of looking for approval, is that we have evolved in groups in tribes, with people. And so it was actually really important that other people approve of us and that the tribe approves us of us because our likelihood of survival in the wilderness by ourselves is very, very slim. So we are tribal people, we bond in groups, we are relational species, and part of that is wanting approval. So it is important to know that this tendency is not something that’s bad or evil, it is actually something that guaranteed our survival.   

However, it does come in the way when wanting to be authentic, and it can lead to lying to yourself lying to your partner, and really leading it unhappy life because you’re not standing up for your truth and what you actually want to see more of in your life and your relationship. So as much as it’s natural, as much as it’s part of being human, it is also something that you want to become more aware of, and that you want to start working with, rather than just blindly following it. And just thinking well, you know, it’s how I am and it’s just part of nature and all that. So I just have to suck it up basically.  

And pure in authentic, that’s not the message here, the message is here that become aware of that drive, and stop just blindly engaging it, start feeling it and start feeling where that need for approval is coming out in your life. Now besides that, it’s a natural function in human beings, and that we have evolved with it as well. There’s another side to that, which is that we are growing up and we are looking for approval from our parents because our parents are guaranteeing our survival as well. So from an early age, we are looking forward to approval and so that can come into adult relationships as well especially when you feel like you didn’t get that approval from your parents that you were always told that you’re not enough and that you have to perform better and that you have to be better and all of that. 

And maybe they did that with the best intentions but how you made meaning out of it. It really backfired and now you’re constantly looking for that approval because you’re still consciously looking for approval from your parent. And so you want to be aware of that, especially because when you’re that approval seeking is not going to go away. Because you’re not getting it from the person that you really want to. And so that is why deeper work is usually required so that people can let go of that and become more whole within them. 

Because the more you can understand how the mind works, the more you can understand how approval is driving your life and how it’s making you compromise yourself, your truth, and your life in ways that really feels uncomfortable and restrictive, the more you can see that the more your system, you as a human being start to find ways to live a life that is more aligned towards yourself, that you can actually have friends and have a relationship where you can be fully yourself, where you can fully bring yourself into the relationship rather than feeling like you have to twist yourself or put some mask on or something like that. 

Because we as, as human beings we, strive for alignment, because that’s where we are most efficient, that’s the most optimal functioning, and then when we are not able to do that, everything suffers. And in the end, it can give you the feeling of suffocating, you know, because you keep having to put on a show for the other person for their sake, so that you get the approval, right? And so that is something, to really reflect on and ask yourself, you know, where am I, in my life in my relationships, looking for approval, looking for the other person to say that I am okay? 

And how can I find the okayness within me, because ultimately, you are okay, no matter what, no matter your actions, no matter your life circumstances, that is something that you can discover deep within and feel within your body so that you’re not driven by those mind stories anymore, that you know, coming and almost hijack your brain and your behavior and how you are presenting yourself in the relationship.

Natasha: That’s why the foundation of every relationship isn’t just the chemistry or the love. In fact, it’s made up of two individuals, right. And like Jachym explained, just now all of that is internally happening within you, the approval that you look for others or how you insecure you feel, and how dependent you are upon other people. And so that really shows that the foundation you have within yourself, and how joyful, happy and just at peace you are within you, and your ability to deal with a relationship and life, you know, in general, that builds the foundational piece for your relationship. 

And you’re coming together in that way, right. And so that’s why when we work with people, we don’t necessarily have to work with both individuals, but with a couple, because you are the foundation, and you can turn things around if things don’t feel authentic anymore within your relationship, you really can. But it starts with you. And so we recognize that within people when we recognize a power that, you know, each of us really has to shift and change your marriage and get it back on track. And so that’s what we have to say about not looking for approval from others, and gaining that connection. And that competence within yourself to be you and to show up as you within your marriage. 

Now, when you are not being authentic, there are some things that can happen within your relationship, one of which is that you become quite unaware, unconscious, of all the things that you’ve said yes to that aren’t true to you that aren’t aligned with you. And so the last step that we want to share with you is how can we become more aware of the unconscious pump compromises that you have made within your relationship? They might run deep. And there might be things you’ve said yes to a long time ago, and I’ve experienced this for myself. I remember there was a time within our relationship where I said yes to so many things, and yes to things that actually crossed my boundaries and didn’t feel healthy.   

That didn’t feel right. But I felt the need to upkeep that to keep him happy, right? Which wasn’t necessarily true, but I thought that because I said yes to certain things because I compromise I asked myself and because, you know, I already had a certain stance against certain topics and certain decision making, that there was no going back. But that’s not true. If you want to have an authentic relationship, and be true to yourself, and honest to yourself, then there might be decisions and things you’ve agreed to, or whatever you’ve, you know, said or done in the past that you might need to correct and change now, and I know that that, you know, requires a great deal of courage, it also requires, number one, of course, be honest, being honest with yourself. 

And second, being true to yourself, whether or not you believe that your partner might be okay with it. But it’s so worth it for you to actually voice that. And if you feel like okay, I know that this is no longer true for me. I know it’s an authentic, I don’t want to show up like that anymore. I don’t want to say those things. I don’t want to agree to that anymore. But how do I even communicate that? Right? So if you feel like you have communication issues, or that’s a really hard thing to do within your relationship, check out our communication mistakes, quiz. You can take this fun quiz and troubleshoot where you make those communication mistakes. 

Because yes, a part of being authentic is showing up. And a part of being authentic is to show up through how you express yourself in your communication. And if that is wonky, or not, you know, in a healthy place, right now, then you really could use some tips to actually see, okay, how can I show up authentically, but actually communicate that in a healthy way, right and let it be received? Better, right. So if you want that fine little quiz is completely free and go to your exceptional relationship.com For slash understand to get it.

Jachym: Now, what is leading to making compromises, especially on conscious ones? Well, that’s what we’ve covered before, which is looking for approval, and not being honest with yourself in the very first place. Now, there’s another layer to this, which is that we get instilled with certain beliefs about what’s possible with a relationship, how we should treat the other partner, how we should be treated ourselves. And sometimes we have no clue how bad these beliefs really are, that we are really tolerating behavior from our partner that has no space in a relationship, it is not grounded in love, it is not grounded in respect, it is not grounded in appreciation, who’s actually grounded in fear, in this respect, in anger, even hate, then these kinds of behaviors, they don’t have a space in their relationship, but because we have the belief about how a relationship should look like or how you should be treated as a woman. 

You don’t stand up for it, it doesn’t even register properly on your radar. And so questioning your beliefs about relationships is so important. Like what do you believe about relationships? And you can take a piece of paper and just write that down? Write down what do I believe about relationships. And you can also write down what I believe about myself, and how I need to be treated. And sometimes, you know, people think, yeah, I know, I want to be treated nicely. But when you really become honest with yourself, and you sit with yourself, you can discover sometimes a little voice that says, you know, you’re not really worth it. You don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve to be treated well. 

And it is about rooting out these voices and beliefs that often are a bit more hidden. That can make a huge difference in how your relationship unfolds and how you feel in the relationship. And that may sound funny because we are often focused on you know, changing the partner’s behavior, ensure that has space because sometimes behaviors of the partner are not acceptable and they need to change. And yet there is also the possibility of feeling loved, feeling appreciated, feeling cherished, feeling beautiful, feeling sexy, despite the circumstances not being perfect, despite your partner, not treating you 100% The way that you want to be treated. Because a lot of those things on the feeling level are an internal job, they happen within you. 

And so that is an important realization and also a way to see and to help people become more authentic. Because when you believe that you need to change yourself so that your partner is either happy or that you get the approval and the love from your partner, then you’re forever dependent on your partner. And there’s a certain freedom that you can gain by seeing that a lot of these feelings are internally generated within you. The love the appreciation and the feelings that you get with your partner coming from within you. And sometimes your partner can be extremely loving and caring and there for you. And it just doesn’t register. 

You don’t feel the love, you don’t feel the appreciation, well, how come he’s being all of that, but you’re still not getting it, what’s going on there. What what’s going on is that your partner isn’t responsible for how you’re feeling. What’s happening within you is happening within you. And why this is an empowering message is because when you realize that the love that you’ve been looking outside of us found within you, the game changes, and you stop looking for approval because what you were looking for approval by you were looking for approval in the first place was because you felt that you needed your partner, to be a certain way so that you feel okay, that so that you feel off. And when you discover that that’s inside of you don’t have to twist yourself anymore, you don’t have to change your behavior anymore. You can be yourself. Now, I am going to put a cautionary warning here. That doesn’t mean that you should be a dick.

You still have, it’s still important to be a decent human being. Because sometimes when I talk about this, people think well, it gives me the license to do whatever I want. Because whatever the other person has feelings inside of them. So I can be as nasty as I want. If they feel bad, you know, that’s their problem. That’s not at all what I’m suggesting here, we are dealing with something that is not just linear and said with one point. So when I’m saying things being generated within you, there’s great liberation in there, and great truth in that. And at the same time, we’re still human beings, we’re still relating to other people.   

And there’s a truth in that as well that our behavior has an influence on the other person. So you may be thinking, well, yes, you’re now you’re not contradicting yourself. And I am because it is not one-sided. It is not just found in one statement. And this is how it is reality and human interactions are a lot more sophisticated and complicated than just being able to capture it in one statement. But being able to switch between these different points of view, can give you flexibility, and a way of navigating a relationship that can be incredibly wholesome, and healing for yourself and your partner. Because another thing that leads to all in authenticity in a relationship is all the past hurt, that you have experienced, and traumas and all this kind of stuff. 

So healing that can really liberate you to show up more fully in the relationship, which is why in our cherished wife program we have unleash your inner goddess as one of the pillars, where we are looking at that, you know, unleashing what’s already inside of you by healing, and bring love and compassion to solve the parts that are being hurt within you. And that needs the attention because they don’t get the attention they create havoc in your life. So this is an overview of how you can be authentic in a relationship. Now, it’s probably become apparent that it’s your job. Yes, they are relationships and people who may invite more authenticity, where it feels easier to be authentic. Sure. And yet it is still your job to bring authenticity to your life. 

And that can require courage, because sometimes, you know, some of the programs are running about rejecting people or alienating people if you’re authentic. And so you need the courage to step up. Because what you can see now is how the future will be how you’ve been living your life, the relationship you’ve been having. This is going to just keep going if you don’t make a change. If you don’t say okay enough is enough. I want to have a relationship that’s deeply fulfilling, Soul-nourishing, something that really resonates with me that I love to wake up to, where I feel that wow, I am just the luckiest girl in the world. If you are in that, if you want that you can keep going the way that you have been going, something has to change. 

And so it is important to make that a priority. Because right now what you’re making a priority is to be agreeable. But when you’re just focusing on being agreeable authenticity can be left on the wayside. And so when you shift your focus to look, I want to be authentic, and I want to have a relationship that’s deeply fulfilling and satisfying. You’re going to stop just being agreeable, you’re gonna start showing up in a different way. And you’re willing to take on the consequences that may come from this behavior because it is more important to you to be authentic than just to keep the status quo. You can’t keep the status quo and be authentic. It’s not going to work, it’s going to backfire. And it’s not going to be pretty. And you don’t want to wake up 10 years from now thinking you know, I wish I listened to myself backbend.  

Because now I’m older, and I’m even more intertwined my life with this person and the parents are even more established. Sure, even then you can still make a change. But the best time to make a change is now why wait, why wait. So if you are ready, if you’re like, look, I’m done with it. I want to make a change, and I am serious about creating the relationship of my dreams. Then head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash cherished.   

Look what we have to offer to you. It’s a one on one program, fill out the application, jump on a call with us so that we can explore what’s possible for you and where you can go with your life, your relationship, you do not have to put up with a relationship that’s not right for you. There is a different solution that you can see and we got that solution by working with us so you can discover it. Alright, with that, I wish you a beautiful day. If you need to want to look at the show notes then head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash 38, the number 38 And I’ll see you on the next episode where we’ll be diving more deeply into this topic. Alright, take care bye bye!