Do You Ever Host or Attend Sleepovers?

Have you ever slept over at a friend’s house? Have you ever hosted a sleepover? Are sleepovers popular with you and your friends? What do your parents think about them?

In “Sweetie, I’ll Be Back at 2 A.M.,” Erin Sagen writes about different approaches to the classic sleepover. The article begins:

Brianna Michaud’s ’90s childhood was filled with sleepovers at friends’ houses. Her mother sometimes came inside the house and chatted with the parents for a few minutes, but sensitive topics like bodily autonomy, gun safety or technology use — except for the rule that she not watch anything rated PG-13 or higher — weren’t the kinds of things discussed.

“It was a different time,” Ms. Michaud, now 35, said.

It may come as no surprise that parents are experiencing more anxiety in general these days. There is an increased awareness of issues like sexual abuse and gun violence, said Christy Keating, a licensed parenting coach based in the Seattle area. Almost half of parents in the U.S. describe themselves as overprotective, according to Pew research published last year.

And perhaps no scenario tests a parent’s vigilance more than the prospect of allowing their child to sleep at another family’s home. For some parents, one solution to this is the “sleepunder” — also called a “lateover” — where children come to play, but they don’t stay to sleep.

Qarniz F. Armstrong, a mother of three children, ages 12, 14 and 20, has never allowed her children to spend a night away from her, even with other family members. She does, however, want her kids to have normal childhood experiences, so she has settled on letting them attend parties if she can bring them home at bedtime — even if that means 2 or 3 in the morning. Considering the alternative — saying no altogether — Ms. Armstrong, who is 43 and lives in Murrieta, Calif., feels this is “a good compromise.”

Her oldest, Mecca, has a different point of view. Although he believes his parents were looking out for his best interests, he said, “I was definitely feeling left out a lot.” He remembers begging his mother for two hours when he was 15 years old to let him attend an overnight, but she said no. By that point, the invites had been drying up, and he “really did not want to be the one kid who had to go early.”

That was perhaps the hardest, loneliest part: not necessarily being picked up early, but being the only kid who was. “I would have felt better if other kids’ parents did the same thing,” he said.

The article also includes a take on sleepovers from a professor of family psychology:

But what do children potentially lose by not spending the night elsewhere? “Sleepovers are a pretty normative part of U.S. kid culture,” said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, a professor of family psychology at Ohio State University, “and they give children an opportunity for real independence.” In her own experience, being exposed to different lifestyles and customs in her friends’ homes growing up inspired a lifelong passion for studying how families function and their ripple effects on society.

Sleepovers can be fun and beneficial for children, but parents get something out of it, too: a free night off from your child if they stay until morning. “It’s a great way to trade babysitting,” Ms. Keating said. “And a great way for connection to other families.”

The trick, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan said, is to try to strike a balance where one is cautious but not overprotective. “Parents who are overly cautious” with sleepovers, she said, “are usually overly cautious to other things,” and that can cause anxiety problems for children who are forbidden to take age-appropriate risks and therefore build a healthy sense of resilience and autonomy.

Students, read the entire article and then tell us:

• What do you think about these ideas for alternatives to a traditional sleepover? Have you experienced any of them?

• How important do you think sleepovers are to bonding with friends? What other activities come to mind when you think about formative experiences in your friendships?

• Is there anything you wish parents understood better about letting their children socialize? Do you think there is an ideal age at which children should be allowed to go to sleepovers (or sleepunders or lateovers), see movies unchaperoned, eat in a restaurant with friends and so on?

• Do you think your parents consider themselves overprotective? How have they dealt with allowing you to go out with friends, visit the homes of families they don’t know well or navigate social media without their guidance?

• Does your family have any rules meant to keep you safe and minimize anxiety (theirs and perhaps yours, as well) when it comes to spending time with friends? Do you ever have conflicts about the rules or are you pretty much on the same page as your parents?

Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.

Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.