Dear Daughter-In-Law-To-Be, I Promise You This

I have been given many gifts in this life, but none so cherished as the gift of three sons, who made me forever and always a #boymom. I have always known that my children were not mine to keep and honestly I don’t want to keep them and not because they are boys, but because all of our children need to grow up and live their own lives.

My heartfelt wish for each of them is that they find a partner with whom they can build a life of purpose, love, joy and companionship. 

My oldest son is soon to be married. We welcomed his partner with arms wide open and quickly got to the point where she is part of the family. If he loves her, then, of course, we do too. And in her case, it’s easy. She just fits.

As the wedding draws near, I wonder how to establish realistic expectations and relieve unrealistic disappointments in what can sometimes be a tricky and often maligned relationship? So, while I can’t promise my daughter-in-law-to-be that on the day she marries my son she will instantly become my daughter, I have some promises that are aspirational, but, I think, attainable.

Here is what I can promise my daughter-in-law-to- be

I will not ask her to call me mom. She is welcome to if she’s comfortable with that but it’s totally her call and there will be no pressure from me. None. She has a mother. I get that.

If there comes a point in time when she is raising children, I will not judge her parenting or say I did it this way or I would never do it that way. I don’t believe there is only one correct way to parent. I had my opportunity to raise my children. She shall have hers.

And if she decides that motherhood is not for her, I will respect that choice.

I am happy to listen to both sides but I will not become the flashpoint in an argument between her and my son. As a couple, they have to work through their differences. I’m a person with opinions and if solicited I will share them, but then it’s up to them to decide what works for them.

I think it’s understood that the bond between a mother and the child she raises cannot be replicated and that means that I love my son in a way that is probably irrational and unreasonable. However, I do realize that he is not a paragon of perfection and I will not behave as though he is.

I will take an interest in her as an independent person, and not solely as an extension of my son. 

I will always be in their corner, which is the corner that is most conducive to their relationship being successful.  

I will be generous with my words, my time, my help but not my criticism. 

I will try to help ease the daily burdens of her life when asked, whether that is picking up dry cleaning, cooking a meal or just lending an extra hand. I remember all too well how exhausting life can feel as a young woman with a demanding full time job, a new husband and maybe someday a family. 

I will listen and listen and listen and try to be thoughtful in my responses. Having an older woman in your life, who loves you and is on your team, can be a true gift. I am no smarter than she is, but I have some hard-earned wisdom. If she wants to complain about work, recount her day, think out loud, I am here for all of it. 

I will try hard  to find the balance between mother-in-law, mentor and friend. 

I hope she knows I am doing my best to find the sweet spot in this relationship that is as new for me as it is for her but I have every confidence that together we will figure this out.

My grandmother called her daughter-in-law, her “daughter-in-love.” I like that. In fact, I love it.

More Great Reading:

To The Woman Who Will Keep My Son’s Heart Someday

Marriage Advice From a Mom to Her Son and His Bride