Dad dragged for “punishing” daughter after she appeared to go missing

A post about a father who temporarily confiscated his daughter’s car after she allegedly “didn’t tell us where she was going…” has gone viral on Reddit, where it had received 5,900 upvotes at the time of writing.

In a post shared on Reddit’s Am I The A****** (AITA), user 62826g said: “My wife and I have a son ([17-year-old male]) together. 16 years ago I was drunk and I slept with another woman, which resulted in another child ([16-year-old female]). My wife forgave me but she made it clear that she doesn’t want to be anywhere near my daughter.”

The daughter was recently invited to a family gathering and was meant to arrive with one of her two uncles. But when they arrived, the user said: “Both my brothers came and my daughter wasn’t with either one of them. They both said that my daughter told them she is going with the other one.

“I called her and her mom and all her friends but no one knew where she [was], so everyone just left to search for her and after a few hours my son found her. I was so mad at her I yelled at her and told her how she made us all worried. I took away her car (that I bought for her) as a punishment.”

A 2015 article on the American Psychological Association (APA) website explains “punishing a child is effective if done correctly,” and some psychologists say “some children need consequences to succeed.”

According to the findings of a study conducted by researcher Robert Larzelere of Oklahoma State University, which were presented at the APA’s 123rd Annual Convention in 2015: “Punishments, such as timeouts or taking away something, were more effective than reasoning when dealing with a toddler who was acting defiant or hitting.”

Non-traditional family set-ups, such as stepfamilies, can be difficult to navigate and stepchildren face additional challenges in their development.

A March 2017 study in the peer-reviewed journal Family Process stated: “Findings from nationally representative studies and meta-analyses indicate that children in stepfamilies are at an elevated risk of experiencing maladjustment in terms of academic, social, behavioral, and psychological well-being.

“Studies on both biological nuclear families and stepfamilies suggest that parent-child relationships play an important role in children’s adjustment,” the study said.

The user in the latest Reddit post said he had asked one of his two brothers to drive his daughter to the family gathering as his wife didn’t want the daughter riding with them.

The user said: “Just to clarify, she [the daughter] didn’t drive there because it had a dangerous road and she is not a good driver so I told her she is not allowed to drive there.”

The father said he has since returned the car to his daughter, after her mom called him, saying he was an “a******.” He explained he’d only meant to take the car away for a month.

The user later discovered his daughter told his son that “she was very upset and didn’t come [to the family gathering] because she thought I [her father] didn’t want her there and the reason she didn’t tell us where she was going was, as I guessed, to ruin my day and make me angry.”

The user said he called his daughter and apologized, informing her: “We are going out again and promised that she’ll come with me this time and she seemed happy about it.”

The Father Is Selfish

Marni Goldman, a life coach and author of True To Myself: Peace, Love, Marni, told Newsweek that what the dad in the latest post did was wrong. “Not only was it wrong, [but] can the dad be any more selfish? His day was ruined? The pain in his daughter’s heart is the bigger picture here. She didn’t try to ruin anyone’s day, it was a cry for help.

“How do you think she feels knowing her dad doesn’t have her back? That’s the one person a daughter is supposed to depend on, her daddy. His actions have been telling his daughter she doesn’t matter. How is she ever supposed to love herself unconditionally if her own father doesn’t show it?,” the life coach said.

The Wife’s Behavior Is Unacceptable

Goldman said: “I thought marriage was about love, sacrifice, for better or worse, etc. When you love someone, or you’re married to somebody, you accept everything about them, especially a child. The wife’s behavior is more than unacceptable.”

She added that the existence of the child, “who has done nothing wrong,” is being “thrown to the emotional gutter” by the user’s wife.

The author said: “We can’t change her [the wife],” however “I’m shocked the father allows it.”

The life coach said: “Think about it, her [the daughter’s] mere existence bothers somebody. You have no idea how damaging that is to her on top of all the other issues she’s probably facing…it doesn’t matter how your daughter arrived, she’s here and you’re supposed to protect her.”

Get Therapy and Start Over as a Family

Goldman said: “The only way this [situation] will work is if they accept they are a family and start over. I hope the wife realizes how cruel and wrong it is” and wants to fix the relationship between her and her husband’s daughter.

She added: “Therapy is an absolute must,” explaining that if the three of them can “work together, communicate in a healthy way, and start showing love and compassion and not shame and punishment, there might be some hope.”

Goldman believes the father needs therapy to “learn to love himself,” because “allowing someone to disrespect your child because you need to feel loved says a lot about you.”

The life coach said the family members should seek individual therapy as well as therapy together as a family. “Hopefully they can come to some sort of peace and harmonious way to live and thrive together.”

‘Adults, Act Like It’

Several users on Reddit were critical of the husband and his wife in the latest post.

In a comment that got over 17,000 upvotes, user CleanCucumber620 said: “YTA [you’re the a******]…I get that your wife is upset with your cheating but she is putting all her anger and hurt feelings onto your daughter. You have two children and if your wife can’t see that, then you both should end this relationship. Your daughter deserves to have her dad in her life as much as your son does…”

User Ladyughsalot1 said: “OP [original poster] wanted stability so much he just decided sure I’ll treat my kid as an inconvenience. Thanks for the forgiveness! Gross,” in a comment that got 4,800 upvotes.

Successful_Moment_91 said: “And he said the alcohol forced him to knock up another woman! Dude has an issue with taking responsibility YTA.”

SusanAkita2014 said: “The wife has had 16 years to come to grips with the daughter. Grow up and treat her with love, it’s not her fault. But you two are adults, act like it.”

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.