Conflict.

I’ve been noticing a lot of conflict lately. Not just the big ones like war and politics, but the personal ones, from relationships with others, to the micro conflicts one has in one’s own internal dialogue with one’s self.

It just seems like everywhere I look, there is conflict at an extreme level. Not just should I shouldn’t I? but a magnified version, that feels more like No way or I’m not moving from this position. Where is the grey at the moment? Conflict seems to have taken steroids and gone black, white, nothing in-between and no changing minds or teams. The stubborn nature of these conflicts, big, small, inner and outer feel so much like PDA to me and I’ve been wondering if there is a way through these huge barricades using the tools we have discovered on our PDA journeys.

If you are reading my blog for the very first time, hi, I’m Mel and my daughter is PDA. Pretty sure other family members also share this neurotype too, which is part of the autistic spectrum with a very clear set of how things work. The only way to learn about PDA is to delve in really deep. Skimming the surface just does not cut the mustard. Every aspect of the person and how they see, view and cope with life’s everyday interactions and needs must be examined under the PDA microscope. When a good understanding is reached, it is time to go deeper, and so on and so forth. Learning about PDA is like trying to find the edge of Outerspace and the end of the Universe. Yep, it’s never ending. A bit of a mind-blowing concept eh, but it’s true, our souls are infinite impressions of thoughts, lives, experiences, locations, interactions. I think once we get that, it makes things easier to relax into and enjoy the discoveries, wins, failures and all that comes with being human. We can see life as a learning experience where by nothing is ever wrong, but merely an opportunity. It is my observation, that living alongside of a person who is PDA, means I am able to look deeply into matters and find creative ways to deal with conflict.

The child who is PDA is not easy to parent using traditional methods. We learn very quickly that there is no backing down from a conflict and we as non PDA must be the ones to defuse conflict because the other cannot at that time. It means we often have to swallow pride, say sorry and mean it, back down, change direction and truly see the others truth. I often refer to PDA children as gifts to humanity. They suffer greatly by our stuck ways, our insistence to have things done our way as the parent, but they are unchangeable. They are programmed, not by society, but by something innate. Something born with. Lessons for us, the silly ones, whose egos are large, whose traumas we pass down, who are blinded by compliance and trust of authority. When we can start to see the big, clear, unspoiled picture, we can change and we can pull ourselves up from the weeds that strangle us, to the light, love and stardust that we are made of. Diffusing conflict does not mean we all have to agree, but, if done in pure love, unconditional love, we can reach a mutual appreciation for why the other person, thing or thought is causing pain and confusion and settle somewhere comfortable and peaceful.

My own inner conflicts are a subject that I have so much curiosity about. They pop up and get louder, nagging and keeping me awake at night. Rattling the cage that is my mind until the torture of the noise has no choice but to say, what the hell do you want from me! Situations run on repeat, different setting, same feelings until I finally crack the code. It’s always something from childhood or past generations having another try and being heard. When an upset was buried so deep that I handed it over to something or someone else to run away from the pain I felt at the time it first manifested. Protection of self, so strong that hiding, handing or ignoring it away is seemingly the only way to feel better. Not my fault, didn’t know what to do, too small, too young to understand. Now, years and years later, I look back and see that all though my life that thing has been asking to be loved back into me. Not taken away, but seen and softened, forgiven, loved. With practice and awareness, the gap between hurt and love gets smaller and comes faster, the goal, to join those conflicts in my mind until there is none, just peace. Always another to be healed, until I can use my healing to hold up for others to do the same. Each of us, a tiny spark in one great big bundle of goodness.

I want to tell you about a conflict I’ve seen playing out over the past few weeks here in my country New Zealand. It’s made me feel so sad and also inquisitive and proud. It is what inspired me to write today and I hope this post can bring something to the situation I am about to explain.

I’ve been following a little group on FB for about a year or so. I came to follow 3 guys and an alternative media reporter because their values aligned with mine. The group was named a matter of authenticity, which I thought was just perfect and each week, their live, interactive chat lived up to its name. Conversation was unscripted, spontaneous, genuine, honest, real. Topics flowed and ebbed as it would with any good friend and soon, these people, who I did not know, felt like friends. What I loved the most about it, was the dedication to show up, even though it was very clear that these people had really full lives, families and commitments. They provided comfort as our country travelled through hard times, stability and hope. The side product of the weekly chats was the unfolding of a spiritual growth that was clear to see from the AMOA team. By sharing honestly, we watched as light bulb moments and maturity of thought grew. The support that the team were offering each other, reflected out to the group members and a feeling of family was created in a most lovely, authentic way. Relatable, relevant and real.

Alongside the chats, special guests and observations of what was going on in our country, we were blessed to share parts of a pregnancy and new baby coming into the world, learn about all sorts of important things, gain ideas about community and hardships overcome.

You might be thinking that sounds idyllic and so where does the conflict come into it? Well, I will share with you that politics came into the story because one of the members had a calling to try and do something radical to offer change and hope for our country. I personally thought it was a heroic and selfless move and a huge undertaking that was also organic, unplanned and brave, just like AMOA and for those reasons, I decided that something worth getting behind. One of the lads didn’t think the same and at the last hour, of what was playing out to be a very intense race to the elections, decided to stick to his honesty, no matter if the consequence of that honesty was to the detriment of the cause. Along came a tidal wave of shock, upset and conflict within the once united team.

I watched with wonder at how the 4 would play out the situation and I hoped, that after the beautiful way the relationships had grown that I would see what I see in my own personal conflicts, a model for us all to look up to and learn by. Forgiveness and reflection, love from a place of no conditions and for 3 of those members, that is indeed what I saw. I saw the hurt, the sadness, the upset, the bravery, the authenticity and the love. For one, they have not yet, as far as I know, been able to come to that place. perhaps too much on the line, perhaps too much invested, unable to solve or dissolve the feelings of betrayal perhaps. I wonder if time will give us the gift of resolution. I hoped so much that the example of this could lift everyone to a better place. But at the moment it feels damaged, fragile, a feeling of grief and loss. An opportunity lost, or perhaps just on hold while the feelings settle. I hope they are not excused away, buried, pushed away, re framed. It’s what us humans do so well isn’t it. But you know what, sorry is the bridge to happy. Forgiveness is the road to heaven. Heaven is in us all, it’s only ever a few thoughts away, a few gentle words away, loving ourselves fiercely with gratitude for every conflict that can take us to the place where we don’t need conflict anymore.

The wars, the arguments, the disagreements, the push pull, tug of resistance within us and manifest in our reality, I know we can rise up and out of them and I hope this wee post goes a tiny way to help us think higher.

Love you all. xxx