Category: Family & Parenting

“Mine! No, he can’t touch that!” Does this sound familiar? No worries. In their early years, children commonly go through phases of possessiveness that can seem totally unreasonable and extreme. They may want everything their sibling or peer shows interest in and try to take it. They refuse to share.

In this episode, Janet explains why this behavior actually makes sense and what we can do to help kids pass through these phases readily and in a healthy manner. She illustrates by addressing a question from a parent about his 5-year old’s incessant impulse to protect his territory and possessions from his baby brother. While he and his wife try to maintain an understanding, respectful approach to the behavior by acknowledging his feelings and his space, they’re perplexed by their son’s demands which seem unreasonable and often nonsensical. Worse, he can act aggressively toward his sibling, which is alarming. Janet offers specific advice and verbal examples for handling “mine” and other controlling behavior between siblings and peers.

Transcript of “Coping with Your Child’s Possessiveness”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I’m going to be responding to a parent who asked about their child’s possessiveness. And one sort of general bit of advice that this reminds me of is that a wonderful way to figure out what’s going on with our children and what they need from us and how to help behavior shift, or at least understand it, is to imagine ourselves in our child’s shoes. Reminding ourselves that our young children are new to the world, everything is fresh. They don’t have these preconceived notions about not sharing, possessiveness, stealing, all of these things. They don’t understand what any of this is. And this is to their benefit, actually, that they don’t have all these judgments in their head about how other children are supposed to behave, how they’re supposed to behave.

Yes, they need our guidance, for sure. But if we can guide from a place of that kind of empathy or imagination—really, it’s us imagining what it’s like to have this fresh perspective that they have—that’s how we’ll be able to be truly attuned to them. To really see them and help them feel the comfort of being seen.

So with that introduction, here’s the question I received in an email:

Dear Janet,

Lately, my wife and I have been struggling with how to maintain a respectful approach when our 2.5-year-old protests our six-month-old playing with or even touching anything that’s not explicitly designated for him.

Whenever the baby touches, say, the wall or the kitchen table or the basket of clothespins, his older brother yells, “No, that’s my wall!” or “The baby’s too little to play with that. He can’t play with that!” We strive to stay unruffled and acknowledge that he doesn’t want his brother to touch those things. And also let him know that the wall or table or whatever it is is for the whole family and that the baby’s actually old enough to play with clothespins (they’re the plastic, non-pinching sort). Our older son usually accepts this with chagrin, but in another few moments, it’s a new protest over a new item.

Sometimes when he discovers the baby touching something, he’ll run over and attempt to pull the baby away physically, his lips pursed with aggression. We intervene as quickly as possible and restrain him, saying, “I won’t let you hurt your brother.”

We’ve drawn a line for his own toys, acknowledging that they’re indeed his, and that he has a reasonable expectation that the baby not touch them if he doesn’t want him to. When the baby begins to roll eagerly toward one of his toys, we coach our son through moving the toy out of the baby’s reach or taking it to his play space we’ve partitioned off so that he has his own refuge from his brother. But we don’t want to have to allocate every single toy as for one boy or another. And nor can we readily abide our son’s continuing expectation of the baby’s less-than-equal role in the family. But more than anything, we don’t want to set our son up to resent his little brother.

Any advice you can offer would be great.

Okay, wow, these parents are being extremely respectful and sensitive and they have a lot of empathy. Really they’re doing a remarkable job, and I love that they’re being so considerate of this situation.

Here’s what I would add: When their son says these things, I would keep in mind something that I guess could probably be the title for this podcast: trust the feelings. What I’m hearing here is something that I experience with toddlers in my classes and when my own children were little. I hear a lot about this from parents that I consult with. And that’s, by the way, the reason that I choose certain questions. I choose them because they bring up a theme or a question that I’m hearing about from lots of other sources, messages in social media, parents I work with in consultations or in my classes. I realize that these are common concerns, and so it seems that they would be good to share on the podcast.

I have to say, I kind of love that this boy is going to the extent that this parent is saying he doesn’t want the baby to touch the wall or the table. Because this makes it so clear to me. It makes it so clear that this is totally beyond reason. I mean, there’s no question, right? It doesn’t make sense. And what that means is that it’s not going to make sense. That these are feelings, not facts, that he’s expressing about the situation. That he has a baby brother, and the baby came and took over his whole life and changed it with his parents. And moved him a little bit out of being the center of the family, which he was used to. And that can be very scary and painful. So he doesn’t really want him to be here in certain moments. Just don’t touch the wall. That’s my wall. This was my whole house, these are my parents, this is my everything. And here’s this baby wanting to touch things, and it’s representative of how he’s invaded my life.

And often this also happens in classes with children and their peers. If a child has a baby at home that the parent has added to the family, then it’s very likely that I’m going to suddenly see a change in their behavior, that they become more possessive with other children. They’re in that holding on mode because they feel their place in their home slipping away. So they’ll say mine!, they want everything that every other child has, sometimes. And do they really want those things, those particular things? I don’t think so. I think they want to express, I’m feeling scared or worried or unsettled. I’m wanting to control things. I’ve lost control of what I knew of my life the way it was.

This can also happen for developmental reasons. When children are toddler-age and other children come to their house and they don’t want those children to touch everything. It’s not that they’re showing that they’re mean, selfish brats. They’re showing that they’re experiencing a feeling of feeling out of control of something that they’re used to having control over: their home, their toys. Now somebody else is here and I’m losing control. And if we recognize how quickly and completely toddlers are developing these first three years. Children develop more in the first three years than they do in all the rest of their years of life put together.

So this is a time we can have that impulse to want to hold onto something, anything. Everything’s changing, without even having a new baby in the family. A toddler’s life can feel like, Gah! I want to hold onto things. I need anchors. And that’s why they need us so much to be an anchor and, if possible, not to be reactive along with them. They also benefit from having a predictable routine, which is not too much stimulation, not a new class every day. They’re most comfortable in what we might consider boring, predictable, routine days. Why? Because there’s something there they can hold onto.

My point is that there are a lot of reasons that children feel like this, and rather than judging them, as we might want to in these moments, or trying to talk to them about what’s reasonable, what makes sense, No, this is not your toy, and This is the wall that holds up our house, it’s everybody’s wall. I can definitely understand the urge to want to explain those things, but that’s not really addressing what’s going on here. What’s going on is our child just wanting to say, I want this. I don’t want him to have it. This is mine. I want to hold onto all these things and have them all.

So to help our child feel more comfortable and satisfied and healed, expressing these feelings, all we have to do is actually what this parent is doing, which is acknowledge him. Acknowledge that he doesn’t want the baby to touch those things. That’s it, that’s the perfect response. We don’t need to explain what’s reasonable, and what I strongly believe that this child already knows, which is that the wall or the table or whatever is for the whole family, the baby is indeed old enough to play with this type of clothespin. This is the tendency that comes up for most of us. As parents, we want to explain it, the way we would to an adult or an older child. Let me tell you what’s true. And it feels like if we could just convince him and reason with him, he’ll see what a silly thing that is to say. But it’s silly because it’s an impulsive, emotional thing to say. I believe even as adults, we can say things we don’t really mean because we’re expressing a feeling in the moment. Well, younger children do this a lot more. So I would just stick with acknowledging, welcoming him to feel like that.

And then, because he’s let us know that he may decide he’s going to push his brother away from that wall or take his hand off the wall or do something else physical, we’re ready to stop that. So as we’re saying, “You don’t want him to touch the wall,” we’re ready to calmly intervene if we need to. And then if he tries to do something physical with his brother because he doesn’t want him to touch the wall, that’s when we say, “You really don’t want him to touch the wall, and I can’t let you move his hand. I’m not going to let you stop him,” while we’re blocking him with our hand. “But I hear you. You don’t like him touching that.” And if the baby’s expressing something then, that’s healthy. We acknowledge that too. That’s it. That’s all we have to do.

The other benefit of this: not only does our child get to express what they need to express to us and have us accept it in a non-judgmental, totally accepting way, the way that they really can feel heard and understood and not judged. We’re not only giving them that, but we’re also not winding ourselves up. Because when we’re trying to reason with someone that isn’t expressing reasonable things, they’re expressing these flashes of emotion, unreasonable things, we’re going to wind ourselves up. Because it’s a frustrating enterprise, right? It’s not going to get us anywhere. That’s also what I love about this experience that this parent shared. They got to see that it doesn’t help, because what did their son do? Well, they say he “usually accepts this with chagrin, but in another few moments, it’s a new protest over a new item.” So yes, that’s what makes it so clear that it’s feelings, not facts.

One of the many reasons I love children this age is because they’re so clear that way. It’s so over the top, right? Some of the stuff that they say that we know it’s not meant to be a reasonable truth. Young children are very uncomplicated. They just need to express it. So if I can’t express it with you here and you’re just not getting it and you’re not hearing me, now I have the impulse to keep trying to express it in another way, to do something else. You’re not letting me express it. And again, the more unreasonable these comments are, the more we can feel certain that they’re using this as a self-therapy, which is what children do. They’re not thinking consciously, I need to tell my parents that I don’t like this baby in my house. But that’s what their unconscious is telling them to do.

You may have heard or read somewhere that when toddlers say, “Mine, mine!”, mine means a lot of things that it might not mean to us. It means I want it, I like it, I need it, I feel like having it, or I don’t want him to have it. It doesn’t mean that my parents bought this at the store for me. Children aren’t thinking of it that way. They’re very in the moment with the feeling, and they’re saying it to express something in that moment. They’re not saying what’s true factually, but expressing something.

So continuing with the details from this note, sometimes when their son discovers the baby touching something, “he’ll run over and attempt to pull the baby away physically, his lips pursed with aggression.” There’s that guy getting into my stuff and he’s taking over my house. He’s taking over my parents. I want to control this guy. Which is also the reason children want to take all the toys away from a baby. It makes a lot of sense, right? This baby ripped my life away. Maybe if I just control every single thing he does, then I’ll feel better about him. He won’t be a threat.

Children feel this. It’ll flare up at different times for each child in different ways maybe, but it’s kind of a grieving process. And the way we grieve about any given situation has its own life and its own process. For example, we might go to our friend’s funeral or our family member’s funeral, and we’re not even crying then. And we wonder, should we be crying? What’s wrong? I don’t feel sad right now. But then maybe some random thing happens, we see something, we hear something. And suddenly, we’re bawling. This is how children grieve this loss, this change in their life. There’s this new person sort of pushing them aside. The feelings come when they come.

That’s why parents will often share with me their concerns that, just randomly, the older child is lashing out at the baby. It doesn’t make sense. No, it doesn’t make sense. And that’s why I encourage parents to try not to judge their children in these situations, because they are grieving and they’re doing it in a very immature, messy way. And yes, they need our help not to do wrong things, but if we could let the little things they say and those feelings that don’t make sense go by and just acknowledge them, they get through it more quickly and without the resentment that this parent says they’re worried about.

So if they’re just taking toys a few times, I would allow that, if it’s not this rampant thing that the child keeps doing. And then I would stop them to help that child, whether it’s with a sibling or a peer, that’s when I would say, “You want that one too, that he’s holding? I’m going to stop you here, because it seems you’re kind of stuck doing this again and again.” Without judgment, we help. But him expressing things like, “I don’t want him touching this or that,” we can let that go by, just validating.

But when he’s running over there, yes, I would try to get over there. I don’t know that I would run unless it was really an emergency. Because coming closer with that calm response, just walking over there at a nice, brisk pace maybe, and trying not to run unless it’s an emergency, helps us to demonstrate a more accepting, calm, non-judgmental attitude. Instead of telegraphing, Wow, you’re doing something really urgently terrible here that I feel I can’t handle unless I stop you immediately! Even if we don’t mean that, that’s kind of how it comes across, that my parent isn’t confident in their leadership here and that I’m doing these really terrible things.

And the tone that’s helpful to create is more of a calm, safe tone. Hmm, I’m going to see. I don’t want you to touch him that way. That’s a little too hard. And then blocking accordingly. So if there’s just a bit of something going on, if it’s not hitting or totally grabbing in an unsafe way, if he’s just maybe touching his hand a little roughly, then I probably wouldn’t even say, “I won’t let you hurt him.” That’s sort of saying the obvious, right? At that point, I would just say, “Hmm, that’s a bit too much.” And I’d have my hand there. “I see. You don’t want him touching that at all. You’re not liking him touching that. Hmm, yeah, that’s a bit too hard. I’m going to need to stop you there. You didn’t like that. You didn’t want him to do that.”

So those kind of things show that we’re not perceiving everything as this big emergency. We’re projecting that calm confidence that can be so important and helpful to our children. And to us, because the more we’re in that zone, the more we see how helpful it is and the more confidence we feel in ourselves, and therefore, it can become a natural way that we have with our children. It’s all about the way we’re perceiving this. Hmm, he’s getting into a little bit of trouble there, I better go help. Instead of, Ugh, there he’s doing it again! I got to stop him.

And then maybe if they really need to be separated because our older child keeps going back and he can’t stop himself and he gets in a rage, or he’s just so lost in his impulses, dysregulated, then yeah, then I would separate them. But whenever possible, I would do something much smaller, the least thing. Do less, because that gives the message that we’re not freaked out by his behavior.

This parent says “We’ve drawn a line for [their son’s] own toys, acknowledging that they’re indeed his, and that he has a reasonable expectation that the baby not touch them.” Yes, so that’s good to do. And I think it might help to say more like, “If you want to keep those things away from him, here’s a way to do that.” Maybe making less of a deal about these things are yours and these things aren’t yours, which can kind of feed into that possessive behavior without us meaning to. Again, because this logical part of the situation, that’s really not what this is about.

And that will help with what this parent mentions later in the note, which is: “We don’t want to have to allocate every single toy as for one boy or the other. And nor can we really abide by our son’s continuing expectation of the baby’s less-than-equal role in the family.” So there it feels like the parents might be veering a little bit into trying to keep things so equal at this point. And the truth is, with children, everything isn’t equal. I really love how this is expressed in Siblings Without Rivalry, that wonderful book. I kept it on my bedside table for years. One of the perspectives that it gives is that everything isn’t going to be equal with siblings, but everyone’s going to get what they need. So if you need 10 Ps, our older child, and the baby only needs two Ps, that’s how it’s going to be. It’s not, Well, he got this many, so he has to get that many. I found this idea to very much resonate and be true and helpful.

This baby was born into a very different situation than his older brother was, with all the excitement and the bonuses of having a sibling. But there’s also some, I don’t know, I guess I don’t even think a baby thinks of it that way, but maybe negatives to that, or some things that there’s just less of. There’s less time alone to be the one with all the toys, maybe there’s less one-on-one time. But the trade-off —and the baby doesn’t know any different— is this amazing day-to-day social experience with somebody else, this exciting person. Many of us have noticed that our babies, they know the difference between a child and an adult, and they’re much more interested in the children a lot of the time. They kind of light up. And if toys are taken away from the baby and we haven’t made a fuss about it or been too judgmental, then it’s really not a big deal to them. Most of them don’t mind it at all. Nobody wants the stuff as much as they want the attention of the other child or the attention of the parent.

And yes, seeing it this way also helps us because it makes for a lot less work for us in terms of, Okay, this is yours and this is yours, and Who had it first?, and all of that stuff. That can be hard to decipher at times, especially when we’re talking about children playing with peers. That’s not our job. Nor is it helpful to our children as they’re learning social behaviors, constantly being the police or the referee that’s in there. And instead really trusting a lot more that children can figure these things out a lot of the time, maybe not to our perception of how it should be, but to their liking, to something that satisfies them. But yes, if something’s nonstop, he keeps taking every toy away from the baby, then I would say something light, a little tip, and maybe stop him. “You’ve taken a couple of things. Let’s let him keep that one.” Not in a judgmental way. We’re still on both of your sides and we’re just coaching both of you to navigate this relationship.

That’s the way that we get this wish that this parent expressed. It’s the same that I certainly had and I believe all parents have. We don’t want to set our child up to resent their sibling. This is the way to do that. We understand that you’ve got these impulses. We understand they’re not reasonable. We’re going to stop you when you get too out there with them, because we’re on both of your sides. That’s how we give our children the opportunity to really develop a mutually respectful relationship and help our older child to not resent a sibling. Or resent us, or feel that we don’t understand and that his feelings are wrong and that he needs to somehow correct them. None of us can correct our feelings. We can work on our behaviors, the way that we express our feelings, but the feelings are just there. We just have them. They don’t make sense a lot of the time.

Again, I often see these situations with not just siblings, but with peers saying, “mine, mine!”, taking toys. And as parents, we want to say, “Well, no, that actually is not yours,” and we want to make sure that they get this right. But what’s even more important is to trust them to just vent the feeling, the momentary feeling. I’m holding that, I don’t want him to hold that. That’s all they’re saying. They’ve got that. It looks interesting in their hands. I want it. And when nobody has it, when it’s available, it’s often not as interesting.

This is similar to saying “share” to a very young child. They don’t really know exactly what this means with friends. We can explain “share” by using it in our behaviors with our children. Here, let’s share this umbrella so you don’t get wet. Or, I have some extra carrots here. Would you like me to share them with you? Or, Thank you for sharing those with me. That’s how children learn to share, not by it being demanded in situations where it means giving something up that they want.

Know that most of these awkward behaviors are impulses. They’re not reasonable thoughts that they’ll understand that they shouldn’t do if we just talk to them about it more. And the more out there the behavior is, the more you can trust that. Again, helping our children feel safe with all their feelings is really all we have to do.

I hope this is helpful. And there’s a lot more information about these ideas and many, many more on my website and in my books, No Bad Kids and Elevating Child Care. And in my No Bad Kids Master Course, if you really want to deep dive. That gives you the complete picture and helps you internalize this approach. Go to nobadkidscourse.com.

Thank you again for listening. We can do this.

To get ready for our trip I bought 3 carry on size suitcases- though we can take 5 on the plane the car we’re renting can only hold 3 in the trunk. I shopped around until we found the cheapest place and am happy with our choice.

By Louise Kinross

A new study that looked at how Norwegians with intellectual disabilities were locked down in care homes during the pandemic crossed my desk.

It reminded me of Covid-19 restrictions in Ontario that saw families separated from their disabled children in group homes for months. For example, Pamela Libralesso and her family didn’t see son Joey, then 14, who requires round-the-clock care, for six months in 2020.

The Ontario Human Rights Tribunal later found the policies of the group home had discriminated against Joey. “Technology is not a reasonable form of accommodation for a child who is non-verbal and communicates, at least in part, through physical touch,” adjudicator Jennifer Scott wrote.

In pulling up the interview we did with Pamela, I recognized how quickly we forget the damage that was done to people with intellectual disabilities during the pandemic. Who wants to remember?

But we must.

In December, the Ontario government released an independent review of the Accessibility for Ontarians with Disabilities Act—a report they’d sat on since it was submitted in June. In it, Rich Donovan declared the “current state of accessibility to be a crisis.” From a safety perspective, he noted our lack of emergency response protocols for people with disabilities. 

Back to the Norwegian study, which was published in the Journal of Care Research.

The researchers studied the Covid-19 responses of five care facilities. In one facility, residents stayed in their small apartments—cut off from common living areas and having no contact with other residents or their families—for six months. They never went outside. For six months! Their only contact inside was with masked staff. There was a “hugging ban,” so they had no physical contact with a human being for half a year. All five homes in the study were found to have violated human rights in various ways.

A recent study looking at the mental health of people with intellectual disabilities in a Spanish care home found that their mental health following the pandemic did not return to pre-pandemic levels. “This can be attributed to the [prolonged] duration of the restrictions, and the losses experienced, such as the loss of their jobs, relatives and friends due to Covid-19,” they wrote.

One of the main findings of the Norwegian study was that clear municipal contingency plans for assisted living facilities were absent. Which leads us back, in Ontario, to our lack of emergency planning for people with disabilities. What is being done to ensure group home residents never experience extreme isolation during a health threat again?

“It took two months after the rest of the community was eating on patios and getting haircuts for our family members to get some semblance of freedom,” says Pamela, who led an advocacy group called Ontario Families of Group Home Residents. “These are people who led very full lives prior to the pandemic and who have lost everything.”

Like this story? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

Published: February 2, 2024 | Last Updated on: February 2, 2024
| by Hema

As the seasons change, so does the likelihood of pesky coughs and colds making their way into our lives. But fear not! In this blog “Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Relief”, We’ve got a comforting remedy up our sleeves that’s not only easy to whip up but also incredibly soothing for those scratchy throats and nagging coughs.

In this blog post, we’ll guide you through the art of crafting this warm and nurturing tea, using common ingredients that boast both flavor and medicinal properties. Whether you’re seeking relief from a persistent cough or simply want to cozy up with a cup of comfort, join us on this journey to create a soothing tea that’s gentle on your throat and big on relief.

Health Benefits of Ajwain seeds, Turmeric and Ginger;

Ajwain (Carom Seeds)

• Ajwain seeds are known for their ability to enhance digestive function, reduce gas and bloating, and alleviate indigestion.
• These seeds have antibacterial and antifungal properties, which can help in combating infections.
• Ajwain can be beneficial in easing respiratory issues. It acts as a bronchodilator, which can be helpful in conditions like asthma or a cold.
• They can also be used to alleviate pain due to their anti-inflammatory properties.

Turmeric

• Turmeric contains curcumin, a compound known for its potent anti-inflammatory properties, making it beneficial for reducing inflammation in various conditions.
• It has strong antioxidant effects, helping to fight oxidative stress and potentially reduce the risk of several diseases.
• Turmeric can enhance immune function, which is beneficial in preventing and fighting infections.
• It can also aid in digestion and help in relieving digestive issues

Ginger

• Ginger has natural anti-inflammatory properties that can help soothe a sore throat, which is a common symptom of a cold.
• It can help in reducing nasal and chest congestion. Ginger aids in loosening and expelling mucus from the respiratory tract.
• Ginger possesses antimicrobial properties that can help in fighting off cold-causing viruses and bacteria.
• The immune-boosting properties of ginger can be beneficial in both preventing and alleviating cold symptoms.
• Gingerol, the active component in ginger, has anti-inflammatory effects which can be helpful in relieving discomfort associated with colds.
• Ginger is rich in antioxidants, which help in combating oxidative stress and may improve the overall immune response.

RECIPE:

Ingredients

• 2 cups water
• 1 tsp carom seeds
• 1/4 tsp turmeric
• 2-3 slices ginger or 1/2 tbsp grated ginger

Instructions

• Toast carom seeds in pan
• Add in water and remaining ingredients
• Boil for 2-3 minutes
• Strain and drink

Natural remedies like ajwain (carom seeds), turmeric, and ginger offer a range of health benefits and can be particularly helpful in managing cold symptoms in children. Ajwain is known for its ability to alleviate respiratory issues and improve digestion, while turmeric’s anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting properties make it a valuable addition to cold treatments. Ginger, with its anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, and soothing effects, is excellent for relieving sore throats, congestion, and boosting overall immunity.

Frequently Asked Questions

Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Remedy

In this blog "Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Relief", We've got a comforting remedy for cough and cold for kids & adults.

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Ingredients

• 2 Cups water
• 1 tsp carom seeds
• 1/4 tsp turmeric
• 2-3 slices ginger

I got rid of some old email addresses this month.    

I was surprised how emotional it made me feel. That email I had acquired nearly 20 years ago in the early days after my divorce, the one I spent carefully setting up as I installed, for the first time, a modem all by myself, finally making a break from dial up and AOL. 

I remember sitting on the floor of my basement after my six-year-old was asleep, the instructions laid out in front of me, taking deep breaths to talk myself of the ledge of panic that seemed to assault me at every turn those days.

I remember all the firsts as a single parent

This process sat on top of the first time I bought a car by myself, the first time signed a mortgage by myself, the first time my bank account had only my name on it, the first time I filed taxes by myself, the list went on and on. But that email account, that old modem nestled in its box, those printed directions, they all represented a triumph, a small step toward being able to do things on my own, even if it meant that every night I collapsed into bed and cried a little bit because it was all so overwhelming.   

Those days are so long in the rear-view mirror now, they aren’t even closer than they appear.  Rather the opposite, they feel hazy and muted as if I can barely see them through a thick fog.  

Lately, I’ve noticed on my Instagram feed a trend in nostalgia reels (I almost typed videos which would have made my 24-year-old daughter howl with laughter) about the early-mid “2000”s. And I have to be honest, I’m a little obsessed with them. I’ve had my fill of nostalgia for the70s and 80s of my youth and the 90s of my overall-wearing, Lilith-Fair going heyday. 

The 2000’s were such a difficult time for me

But 2000-2010 or so? That time when I was barely hanging on by my fingernails because every day just felt so hard, and so long as I tried to be both 100% employee and 100% mom?  I missed so much. I miss so much.  

So, I scroll past images of mall play areas, Chuck E Cheese parties, Silly Bandz, Pizza Hut sit down restaurants, and shopping mall Santas; past inflatable slides and Sponge Bob, folders of CDs and portable VCRs; past Capri Suns and turtle-shaped sandboxes, the Toys R Us giraffe and boxes of school valentines. I can’t get enough of images of Arthur the Aardvark and the Disney Channel, bottles of thick Amoxicillin, Kid Cuisines and McDonald play areas.  

It’s not my childhood I’m nostalgic for, it’s my daughter’s

But it’s not my childhood I’m trying to remember – it’s hers. For this hazy “nostalgia core” as it’s called, is like watching a highlights reel of things I was too busy or too tired to notice, the everyday-ness of our lives, and the things I’d just plain forgotten as Barbie houses made way for desks and SAT prep and prom dresses.

As high school yearbooks gave way to college apartments, graduation trips and resumes. Now, only a few remnants remain that say “a child lived here.”  

When my daughter visited for the holidays, we found ourselves with a few days with nothing on our agendas so we indulged in a re-watch of all three High School Musical movies, with a Cheetah Girl movie thrown in for good measure. As we watched, we reminisced about those days, comparing notes about what we remembered.  

Life was so overwhelming back then

At times I found myself near tears remembering only my exhaustion, my constant worry over finances, my inability to cook anything other than pasta or pancakes (thank goodness my wife joined us in 2009 and rescued us both from my terrible culinary skills), the urgent care trips, the orthodontist bills.  

But my daughter remembered watching these movies over and over with me, singing in the car, seeing the Cheetah Girls in Concert in second grade, trips to Justice for ‘cool clothes,’ a bright pink bedroom, a stack of headbands, a house that felt safe and fun, and eventually, her first email address with a typically 12-year old email handle.   

Pulling the trigger on deleting our old email addresses felt like finally closing a door to those days, and leaving them nestled in the safe mist of nostalgia. So, I shut down the account, updated my settings, and said a final goodbye to the stressed-out mom and her little girl with the glasses and the American Idol t-shirt. Something tells me they’ll be ok.   

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Parenting Teens Is a Delicate Dance of Holding On and Letting Go

The summer before I turned 13, my mother dumped a macaroni-and-cheese casserole in my lap. Sizzling hot from the oven, it left an angry red mark in the shape of a spiral noodle on my thigh.

This wasn’t an accident; my stepfather, Jack, had roused her ire by playing tennis after work, and I’d chimed in to support him. “What’s the big deal?” I muttered, just as she walked into the dining room carrying the Pyrex dish on a tray.

“She didn’t mean that,” Jack said quickly, and we both instinctively ducked as the dish came slamming down. Luckily, it was a glancing hit, with the container and most of the noodles landing on the floor. While Jack scrambled for an ice pack, my mother shrieked, “I hate this family!” Then she rushed upstairs and threw the contents of his tennis bag out the bedroom window. 

No one told me that my mother’s episodes were abnormal

I helped clean up the remains of our dinner while sneakers, tennis whites, and dirty socks rained down in the backyard. “Welcome to Morrisa’s Dinner Theater,” Jack said, rolling his eyes. 

Growing up, no one told me that episodes like these were abnormal; they seemed unpleasant but inevitable, like thunderstorms or stomach flu. My mother regularly slapped my face for transgressions like having a messy closet or forgetting to empty the dishwasher. She once threw a bicycle at me because I had left it in the driveway, blocking her car when she got home from work. 

I graduated high school a year early and accepted a scholarship to a university in Europe, as far away from her as I could get. By then, I believed that life was fundamentally unsafe and filled with pain, and that no one, least of all me, had the right to be cherished. I told myself that I was strong and independent; that I could survive anything; and that I didn’t need anyone.

I was free from my mother but looked for other dysfunctional relationships

The next 20 years were a roller coaster, with dizzying highs—earning college and graduate degrees, returning to the U.S., and working as a travel writer for a New York newspaper—and stomach-churning lows. Although I was free from my mother’s violent rage, I sought out similarly dysfunctional relationships. 

By the time I was 37, I had weathered two divorces and been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I had an infant daughter and was staying in a church basement to escape her emotionally abusive father after he drained our joint bank account.

My mother and Jack came to the hospital when my daughter was born, seeming charmed by their first grandchild. That was the last I heard from them until eight months later, when they paid us a visit at the church in Hoboken.

Over lunch, my mother offered me the use of their guest bedroom while I regrouped. I stifled a gasp and accepted. Maybe becoming a grandmother had softened her? Whatever the reason, I was willing to try to reconnect.  

We arrived at Baltimore Station on an icy afternoon three days later. I was toting the baby in a sling, together with a car seat, a stroller, and a backpack containing all of our belongings. 

Jack met us on the platform. As soon as I saw his hangdog expression, I knew that my mother had backed out. “Morrisa thinks you’d be uncomfortable in the guest room,” he said, staring down at his shoes. 

“Worse than a basement?” My face burned with sudden heat. In an instant, I was 12 years old again, embarrassed and ashamed to have expected anyone’s help. “Fine. We’ll leave in the morning.” 

I was determined to give my daughter a loving home

I’m strong and independent, I reminded myself. I don’t need anyone. But I knew this was no longer true. I needed help to raise my baby—a lot of help. She deserved a family who cherished her, and I had no idea how to provide one.

Standing on the platform with my eyes watering from the cold, I resolved to do whatever it took to create a safe home. If I didn’t know how to love myself, I could start by loving her. Back in Hoboken, I went into counseling, found an Al-Anon group, and freelanced until I could afford a small apartment. Eventually, I got a job, and a few years later, remarried and moved to a bucolic suburb. 

The years slid by, filled with the joys and worries of daily life: work challenges, school band concerts, a garden that wouldn’t thrive no matter how much time I poured into it. My peaceful world was shaken when my husband was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 56, and nearly destroyed when he died three years later. 

I found out my mother had dementia

One hot summer morning, the phone rang. It was my mother’s doctor. “I’m sure you know that Morrisa has dementia,” he said. (I didn’t.) “Now that her husband is gone, she’ll need to be closer to family.”

I’ve often wondered why I didn’t just hang up. But caring about others had become second nature in the years since my daughter was born. And we’d both been widowed; maybe we could understand each other better now. 

I moved her to a senior facility down the road from my home. The first few months were awful. At 85, my mother was still fueled by rage, with the added frustration of cognitive decline. “My daughter institutionalized me so she could steal my money!” she told anyone who would listen. 

I was embarrassed to hope she died quickly

I fervently hoped she would die quickly, although I was ashamed to share that sentiment with anyone but my therapist. Then I got a call saying the staff had found her on the floor of her room, paralyzed from the waist down. 

This is it, I thought, lightheaded with relief. But the ailment turned out to be treatable—a urinary tract infection that had spread to her kidneys. She spent 13 days in intensive care, her mind wandering in uncharted waters.

The first time she saw me afterwards, her face melted into a gentle smile. “My beautiful daughter,” she said to the nurse. “Aren’t I the luckiest woman alive?”

“You certainly are,” the nurse replied, adding, “Morrisa hasn’t stopped bragging about you since she woke up.”

Love and kindness were her new symptoms

“That’s—thanks.” I took a deep breath to steady myself as the shock reverberated through my system. I’d been warned the hospital stay might accelerate her dementia. Could loving kindness somehow be a symptom? 

Whatever the reason, it quickly became clear that my mother’s short-term memory was shot. She didn’t know why she’d been hospitalized; she also had no idea what she’d eaten for breakfast, or when she’d last seen me. “Just drop by when you feel like it,” the nurse said. “It will be a wonderful surprise.”

When I did, instead of an endless stream of accusations, she offered gentle observations on how pretty the clouds looked. Any activity I suggested was met with enthusiasm, from petting a therapy dog to attending a performance by the local glee club. 

I did not forgive the past but was grateful for the present

From then until her death a year later, I visited my mother a few times a week. Sometimes we sat on the couch together, watching cat videos or episodes of Grace & Frankie. I leaned on her shoulder and she stroked my hair. When we held hands, her skin felt soft and delicate. 

I like to think I got to know the person she always was, under the resentment and rage. A proud parent. An animal lover. A joyful human being. 

I still can’t forgive her for our shared past. But I’m grateful, for that short time, to have had a mother who cherished me. 

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Even Though My Mother Is Gone, I Am Not Motherless

One of my closest friendships just ended. For a really long time, she was my person, my safe place, the one I’d go to when things got really hard and I needed to vent. I was always there for her too. Or at least that’s what she told me.

We were thankful for each other for a long time. Our relationship felt healthy, and we both put equal effort into making the friendship work.

I noticed things change around fifteen years ago, but I chalked it up to us being in different places in our lives. Still, it bothered me when she stopped calling as often and when she always said she was just too busy to talk when I called her. Then suddenly she would come around and once again be available. We’d make plans to see each other and everything would go back to the way it was. 

I wondered if I was being too sensitive

For years I told myself that I was too sensitive and that she just had a lot going on. But, her hot and cold behavior really bothered me. I tried to act like everything was fine because I didn’t want to burden her. I didn’t want our friendship to be difficult for her.

There were times we’d go months without talking. She’d say that she’d call but she wouldn’t. I’d send her a text to see if she was all right, and I wouldn’t hear back from her for weeks or longer. As a working mom, I was busy too. But I always made time for her because she was important to me.

I always rearranged my life to adjust to her schedule

I was over-functioning; rearranging my life so much that it would stress me out just so I could adjust to her schedule. Our views on a lot of things were different and instead of saying how I felt about what was happening in the news, politics, or how we raised our kids so differently, I’d listen to her opinions but keep mine to myself.

I felt like a needy friend who was always available to her, and I realized she got used to me being that way and treated me as such. I asked her a few times if she was upset with me or if I’d done anything wrong and she’d always say the same thing, that she was just busy. 

I stopped reaching out and being available to her all the time

So, a few years ago I let it go. I stopped calling her. I stopped texting to check in. I stopped being so available and invested in other friendships because as much as I hated to admit it, being friends with her was lonely. My partner and others told me that they thought the way she treated me was wrong. 

I was sad and I missed her, but it felt good not to force something. After some time she came around and I figured she just needed space and I should have given her long ago. But I also noticed how much happier I was to not get myself upset and not to have to chase her friendship.

We all get busy, but we choose where and when to put in effort and that includes which friendships we nurture and which we jettison. And let’s be real, texting someone back takes less than ten seconds. No matter who you are, it hurts to be ignored. It just felt better not to put myself in that position any longer. 

After a disagreement I decided to let the relationship go

After I stopped putting in so much effort, she started putting in more and we found our groove again. Then, we had a disagreement when I finally voiced my opinion about something that was important to me. She didn’t agree with what I said. We had two conversations after the argument, both initiated by me where I apologized and told her I didn’t mean to upset her, but I wanted her to know where I stand.

After that, I let the friendship sink. I completely stepped away and decided it was time, once and for all, to let it go. I didn’t “break up” with her or tell her I didn’t want to be her friend. It wasn’t anything that that final.

I simply decided it was time to just move on and not put in any more effort. We’d been friends for a really long time, and we’d both changed. We’d both changed enough that our friendship didn’t work anymore. And that’s okay.

I will always be thankful for the friendship that was

I feel lucky to have had her in my life, and I’m thankful for the times we had together. But trying to force a friendship, or anything for that matter, just because you’ve invested a certain amount of time into it isn’t healthy for anyone.  

And sometimes it’s important to shift, to let go and to make space for new things to come into your life.

For me, for us, this is one of those times. As hard as it is, it feels right. 

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous

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What We Can Learn from Childhood Friendships: I’ll Always Have Laura

Welcoming a daughter-in-law into the family is a joyous occasion, and finding the perfect gift for her is a great way to express your love and to make her feel at home. However, picking the perfect gift might be a little stressful, especially if you haven’t had enough time to get to know her or are a certified boy mom. The most meaningful gifts for daughters-in-law are the ones that reflect her unique personality or are tailored to her lifestyle and taste. 

Whether it’s her birthday, a special milestone, the holidays, or a just-because gift to show her how much you care, our list of the best gifts for daughters-in-law will make her feel loved and signify that she has officially been accepted as a member of the fam! 

The Best Gifts for Daughters-in-Law

1. For the Traveler: lululemon Everywhere Belt Bag

If she is always on the go and needs to carry a lot of personal items, consider this iconic belt bag that is still popular because it’s both stylish and practical. It has a sleek build and smart pockets to keep it from looking or feeling too bulky, so she can stash tons of stuff in it. It has thousands of great reviews from shoppers who call it “perfect for travel.” 

2. For the Trendy One: Ugg Classic Ultra Mini Platform

The Ugg brand has been a staple in many people’s wardrobes for its comfy sheepskin lining that is soft and warm. The new platform version of Ugg’s Mini Boots raised the brand to new heights and is one of the hottest styles of the moment, worn by Kylie Jenner and Gigi Hadid. They feature a nearly 3-inch platform sole to give you a comfortable height boost. Select sizes are selling out, so you’ll want to get them while you can. 

3. For the Constant Sipper: Owala Free Sip Water Bottle

Move over, Stanley. The Owala Free Sip is the new water bottle in town! Instagrammers and Redditers are flocking to the water bottle that has two separate options for sipping. One opening lets them suck water through a built-in straw with no spillage, and the other is a wide-mouthed hole with an angled border so they can gulp without getting sloppy. No more having to unscrew a top or keep track of loose straws! It comes in a ton of fun colors, too, and she’ll appreciate another, even if your daughter-in-law already has one. 

4. For the One with Great Taste: Yves Saint Laurent Libre Eau De Parfum

This fragrance has been called “perfect for any woman who wants to exude confidence and sophistication.” With a blend of mandarin orange, lavender, black currant, petitgrain, jasmine, lavender, orange blossom, Madagascar vanilla, cedar, ambergris, and musk, it’s the kind of fragrance she can wear every day. The blend of fruity, floral, and woody notes isn’t too overpowering yet still makes it memorable. 

5. For the One Who Likes to Accessorize: Kendra Scott Elisa Necklace

The Elisa Gold Pendant Necklace in the Azalea Illusion gemstone went viral and is the company’s best-selling jewelry design. The look has been labeled as “iconic” as shoppers everywhere reach its effortless beauty for everyday wear, whether they are headed to work or a night on the town. It’s available in 25 different gemstones, so you can go with her birthstone or her favorite color. 

6. For the One With a Rock: Diamond Dazzle Stik 

With this simple jewelry cleaner, her jewels will always shine! This is one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law to show you care about the significance of their matrimony. The pen has a cleaning gel with micro-fine polishing agents that is easily applied with the brush at one end to remove debris or gunk that builds up from products like lotion. It’s the perfect cleanser to keep rings, necklaces, earrings, and braces blinging.

7. For the One Who Could Use a Spa Day at Home: Zadro Large Aromatherapy Towel Warmer

This towel warmer is a bit of an investment, but it’s worth it for something that will make her feel like she’s wrapped in luxury. The Zadro is easy to use, heats quickly and evenly, and is way more stylish than most other towel warmers. The ultra-large insulated basin sits on sturdy legs and accommodates up to two 40-inch by 70-inch oversized bath towels, robes, throw blankets, PJs, and more. Lavender essential oils are also included in the box for that spa day-at-home feeling.

8. For the Hot Sleeper: Eberjey Women’s Gisele PJ Set

If she likes to keep it classy, she’ll love these classic jammies with a notched collar and white contrasting piping. The stretchy material is comfortable, soft, cool to the touch, and comes in 27 colors. This set could be the most buttery-soft PJs she’ll ever own! They’re recommended by Wirecutter, who said the jersey fabric is the softest they tried in their tests of the best pajamas. 

9. For the One Who Likes to Look Her Best: Olive & June Nail Polish Mani Prep Set

This manicure set has all the essentials of a quality nail salon at home: a nail file, nail buffer, nail clipper, cleanup brush, and nail polish remover pot. She can easily bring some of the items on the go to keep her looking her best! To complete the gift, pair it with some Olive & June nail polish, which is both cruelty-free and vegan. 

10. For the One Who Needs to Relax: Hey Dewy Wireless Facial Humidifier

The portable USB facial humidifier is meant to help open up pores and combat dry winter skin and chapped lips. It has a 12-ounce capacity, is only 7 inches tall, and weighs half a pound, so it’s possible to travel with.. The light doubles as a night light, and it has two mist settings that work for up to 8 hours, so she can put it on her bedside table to wake up feeling refreshed and hydrated. 

11. For the One Who’s Always on Her Feet: Hoka Ora Recovery Slide 3 Sandals

Okay, so these slides might look a little chunky, but that’s okay! They play to the “ugly shoe” trend taking over TikTok, and sometimes function takes priority for happy feet. The cushiony, supportive Ora 3 sandals are worth every penny because they massage tired and sore feet, which is ideal for athletes or moms on their feet all day. Plus, they have extra ventilation to keep feet cool and sweat-free and come in 23 different colors.

12. For the K-Beauty Fan: Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask

If she’s a K-beauty fan, she knows about this ultra-viral beauty product that’s all over social media. It’s a leave-on lip mask that delivers intense moisture and antioxidants while you sleep with berry fruit complex, murumuru seed, and soothing shea butter that leaves your lips plump, full, and pillowy. Celebs like  Sydney Sweeney, Kendall Jenner, Kaia Gerber, and Brooke Shields are all huge fans. This is one of those viral products that are truly worth the hype in every way, especially because one small jar lasts a long time.

13. For the One Upping Her Haircare: Maxsoft Hair Scalp Massager Shampoo Brush

This squishy silicone brush has an easy-grip handle and soft silicone teeth that brush away buildup and combat dry or oily scalps. The result is a gentle scalp massage that creates a thick lather with shampoo to leave hair feeling incredibly refreshed. Remarkably, it doesn’t get caught in your hair or make a bird’s nest on the top of your head. At less than $10, pick one up for yourself while you’re at it—you have to try it and bond over how you’re both obsessed!

14. For the Wine Drinker: Vin Fresco Rechargeable Wine Opener

If she loves wine, she’ll love this pretty wine bottle opener in alpine white and rose gold. It sits in a charger, so it’s always ready to go, and all she has to do is hold down the down arrow until the corkscrew pulls the cork out and the device stops. It comes with a handy foil cutter, and reviewers say it’s great for picnics and boat rides because it’s so portable. Honestly, it’s one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law for the vino in your life.

15. For the One with Great Hair: Shark FlexStyle Air Styling & Drying System

This more affordable version of the Dyson Airwrap is an absolute game-changer in hairstyling for half the cost. It’s still not cheap, but it comes with everything you need for the ultimate blowout and style at home: a powerful hair blow dryer with heat regulation, two 1.25-inch auto-wrap curlers to curl different directions, a paddle brush and oval brush with excellent airflow, and air concentrator attachment all in one. Just pick the attachment, temperature, and airflow settings, and you’re in business. The best part? It only weighs 1.5 pounds, so it won’t kill their arms. 

16. For the Yogi: BalanceFrom Yoga Mat with Carrying Strap

The 71-inch BalanceForm is a bestseller for a reason. The high-density foam is both slip- and moisture-resistant, and because it’s 1/2-inch thick, it’s comfortable for her spine, hips, and knees during pose transitions. It’s also lightweight and comes with a carrying strap, so she can take it to and from class without having to tote another bag. It’s simple in design but gets the job done effectively.

17. For the Fashionista: Madewell Chunky Medium Hoop Earrings

Brought to you by the brand known for simple yet high-quality pieces, these 3/8-inch chunky hoop earrings by Madewell are a classic and are a great gift for daughters-in-law. The bold finish resists tarnishing so that they will keep their shine. They go with pretty much everything, and they’ll last her for years!

18. For the Allergy Sufferer: Levoit Core 300 Air Purifier 

If she’s suffering from allergies or dust, she probably needs an air purifier. This air purifier cleans a room up to 1,095 square feet in just minutes. It’s quiet, has no lights to disturb her sleep at night, is cuter than most, and doesn’t take up a lot of space but can still help neutralize odors, smoke, and VOCs thanks to the carbon filter. It also works with Alexa, so she can control it with her voice. The included app also allows them to check your air quality and set schedules. 

19. For the One Who is Always Working: Lapgear Home Office Lap Desk

This lap desk has gotten around on TikTok with good reason, and if she has to work all the time, she might as well be comfortable doing it! It has two microbead cushions that rest lightly on the legs and a built-in ledge to keep laptops, tablets, or notepads from slipping and sliding off the edge. It even has a 5- by 9-inch mouse pad and a phone slot to keep her smartphone handy. This lap version is small enough when stored but can still fit 15-inch laptops and most tablets, so she can work in the comfort of her couch and bed.

20. For the Thoughtful One: The Five Minute Journal

Let’s face it—the last few years have been rough for all of us. Sometimes, it’s good to get some thoughts down on paper, even when you only have a few minutes. What makes it great is the prompts that ask her quick questions to help her create some headspace for gratitude and self-care. It’s designed for the person who doesn’t have a ton of time in their day, or who finds journaling intimidating. In minutes, she can fill out short lists that finish bite-size prompts like “What would make today great?” and “Highlights of the day.”

21. For the Cold One: Sunbeam Royal Mink Sherpa Cabernet Heated Personal Throw

It’s cozy. It’s warm. It’s basically a hug in a blanket! This easy-to-use electric throw has a push button controller, four heat settings, and a 4-hour auto-shut-off function for peace of mind in case she starts to snooze in her chair. It’s made of a super cozy royal mink with reverse sherpa material for added warmth, and the nine rich color options are beautiful. It’s one of those gifts for daughters-in-law she never knew she needed.

22. For the Heavy Sleepers: Hatch Restore 1 Alarm Clock

If she’s a fan of the snooze button, she’ll greatly appreciate the Hatch Restore 1 Alarm Clock to help her get out of bed easier. This alarm clock uses a combination of light therapy, customizable soundscapes, and smart features to improve sleep quality before greeting her with gradual lights and nature-inspired sounds to wake her gently (and maybe less grumpily!). She’ll love the sleep sound library, soft bedside light, and a wide range of warming and cooling light choices that she can program to her liking.

23. For the One Who Comes to Visit Often: Beis The Weekender Travel Bag

She’ll love this the next time she comes to visit! The popular travel brand created by Shay Mitchell was built for long weekends. It has a water-repellent structured silhouette with a flat base and sturdy, protective metal feet to keep it upright when not used. When she’s on the go, the crossbody strap is comfortable and easy to adjust from 10 to 18 inches or she can slide the sleeve at the back over her luggage. At the bottom is a zip compartment where she can easily separate her shoes from the rest of her belongings.

24. For the Cocktail Lover: Siligrams Customized Silicone Ice Cube Mold

She may seem to have everything already, but does she have the ability to make her own brand of designer ice cubes with her own monogram? With this customized silicone ice mold, she will, making it one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law! The materials are food-safe, BPA-free, and thick yet flexible enough to pop out perfectly shaped ice cubes for her favorite cocktail.

25. For the Beauty Lover: Kitsch Satin Heatless Curling Set

Your daughter-in-law can wrap her damp hair around the satin headband, secure the ends with scrunchies, and let her strands dry into soft waves. It’s like heatless curlers but less work! They’re surprisingly comfortable to wear, so she can wear them to bed overnight and wake up the next day with incredible hair.

26. For the One You’ve Made Memories With: Skylight WiFi-Enabled Digital Picture Frame

You’ve never seen a picture frame like this before! Family and friends can upload photos directly into an app or email them to a unique Skylight email address to help load up memories onto this digital frame. Throughout the day, the photos will cycle on the 10-inch frame, allowing them to see different memories at any given time. It also has a “gift mode,” which allows you to upload photos without unboxing it, so the first time she opens it, there will be memories pre-loaded. Better get the tissues ready!

27. For the One Who’s Always on the Go: EUOW Travel Barrel Makeup Bag

With this toiletry bucket with a drawstring top, she’ll never have to rifle through her toiletries again! Foldable, portable, and lightweight, this beam port drawstring bag is suitable for both home and travel. It keeps everything standing upright, and the top closes, so she can throw it directly in her bag and not worry about things falling out.

28. For the Beach Bum: Brazilian Bum Bum Cream

TikTok influencers rave about this tightening, fast-absorbing body cream that smells delicious with delicious notes of salted caramel, pistachio, and vanilla. Caffeine-rich guarana helps visibly smooth and tighten skin, while cupuacu butter delivers deep hydration. It’s likely already on her list — just remind her that a little goes a long way!

29. For the Home Chef: AeroGarden Sprout with Gourmet Herbs Seed Pod Kit

She can grow fresh herbs all year long with this hydroponic indoor garden. All she has to do is plant the pods and watch them grow in just 21 days or less. The 10-watt LED grow lights maximize each plant’s photosynthesis, making for great harvests. The design boasts a sleek and modern look, a silent pump for water, and a soft-touch button to control the lights.  

30. For the Nostalgic One: Handwritten Cutting Board

She’ll feel like a member of the family with this custom cutting board. Choose to have grandma’s meatball recipe or your famous chocolate chip cookie recipe engraved in your choice of maple, walnut, or cherry wood. This is one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law, and she’ll think of you every time she uses it!

Prices were accurate at time of publication.

My teenager spends a lot of time in her room under normal circumstances – as I can imagine your teens do as well. When I ask, she says she is fine…but still I worry every day. So I keep knocking.

My daughter is in her room all day…why I knock on her door

I knock because it’s my job.

I knock because I care.

I knock because I love her so much. I can’t begin to explain to her that I feel her pain more intensely than she ever will.

I knock because my heart hurts to see her so isolated.

I knock because even though she may not want me to interrupt her, she wants me to care. She wants to know I am there – that I am giving her space but also reaching out.

I knock because sometimes she invites me in.

I knock because sometimes she decides to come out.

I knock because I can’t look at her door and worry anymore. I just need to see her sweet face.

I knock because through all of this, I am so emotional and I can only imagine the emotions of a teenage girl during this crisis.

I knock because I want her to know she is not alone. I knock because I wish things were different.

I knock because it is too hard for me not to knock.

I knock because it is what we do as moms.

We love with all of our hearts. We worry with every ounce of our being. We care more than our children will ever know.

So we just keep knocking.

Writing this made me feel vulnerable

I wrote this from my heart. It felt important for me to share these feelings right now. When Grown and Flown asked if they could post it on their FaceBook page, I was hesitant. It felt vulnerable to put these words out there where people could comment.

I worried there would be criticism. Criticism of my writing. Criticism of my parenting skills. Or even just reactions from people who aren’t struggling and don’t understand why I am. I asked if there would be comments.

I am sure that the editor was thinking to herself, “Yes, crazy lady…FaceBook has comments!” She was much more diplomatic than that but she did confirm that people would be able to respond.

I almost said no. It is really hard to put yourself out there. Hard to show your insecurities. Hard to be vulnerable. Hard to risk criticism and rejection. I could just keep this in a journal, go for a walk on the beach, and not risk getting hurt.

I’m sharing my feelings in the hope that they resonate with other parents

But the reason I wrote this was to share my feelings in the hopes that it resonated with someone else…in the hopes that it could help another mom with the same worries and heartache that I carry. I believe that we as parents need to share our stories. We are stronger together. So I chose to be brave. And I am so thankful that I did.

The outpouring of kind, compassionate, heartfelt comments brought me to tears. What an amazing community of parents. People said: “I feel every word.” “I could have written this.” “Priceless to know we are not alone.” “This could not be more timely.” “I needed to read this.” “I feel like I am floundering as a parent every single day and this helped me feel less alone.” “This. This.1,000 times THIS.” “You have no idea how much this hit home.” “Got me right in the heart – live this everyday.” “Now I know I’m not alone.”

And now I know that I am not alone. We as parents need to be brave. We need to share our stories. We need to be loving and supportive of one another.

We need to show our vulnerabilities. We need to support each other with compassion and empathy. Because we are always stronger together.

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Mom and Dad, Please Stick With Me

My son asked if he could go out for a ride last week. He’d handed in all of his school work, cleaned his room like I requested and he held down a good job as well. In other words, he was a responsible kid so when he asked to go for a drive, I agreed.

My son loved his car

My son loves his car and paid for it himself. He’s also footed the bill for insurance, registration, any repairs and his gas. There have been times I’ve been looking for him and he’s literally been staring at his beloved machine, arms crossed standing tall.

Something else about my son: he’s always been the cautious one. He’s never been someone who has no fear and just jumps into dangerous situations. He’s more of a play-it-safe-and-I’ll watch-you-type of person.

He doesn’t go fast on jet skis and you’d never find him jumping off a diving board or off a cliff into water. It’s not his speed and it never has been. He’s not interested in going on crazy rides at the fair, either. He likes the feeling of being in control.

He asked me to come get him after he flipped the car

He’d been gone exactly thirty minutes when I got a call from him. As soon as I picked up the phone he said, “I’m fine Mom, but I flipped my car. It’s upside down in a ditch and I need you to come get me. The police are on their way.”

I’m still not sure what I said but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t much. He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s fine, kept going through my head. 

“Mom, can you come get me?”

I told him I’d be right there. He was only 2 miles from our house and before I got there he reminded me again that the situation looked really bad, but he was fine as were the three friends he wasn’t supposed to have in his car. Thank God.

Where we live, kids have to wait 9 months before driving passengers under the age of 20 (besides family members). My son had less than one month to go before his restriction was lifted, but he decided not to abide by the law and to go for a joy ride with his friends.

As I got there, the cop was asking him questions. He got after him more than once saying things like,” Don’t lie to me or your mom. You were going faster and you know it. You were showing off for your friends.”

I had to let him handle the fallout by himself

Watching your child in a situation like this is difficult. Not nearly as difficult as it would have been watching him being taken away on a stretcher, or seeing one of his friends injured though.

I wanted nothing more than to handle this for him but instead I just stood there and did nothing. I could see his posture and the way he hung his head that he was shaken. Good. I knew if I interceded, he’d learn nothing. This was on him; facing the police officer, the hefty fine, the loss of his totaled car, and the fact he has to live with the realization that he came very close to taking some of his friends’ lives, simply to pull a donut in a parking lot. 

I’m not sure when I’ll let my son drive again. I think I need more time for that one. Three months? Six months? I’m not sure that he really let what happened sink in enough to satisfy me.

But what I do know is that he came very close to losing his life that night. I know I haven’t slept much since. I know that one minute you can watch your teen back out of the driveway while you settle in to watch a show, and the next time you hear their voice, they can be telling you that they flipped their car. Dwelling on the fragility of life will absolutely send your mind into a tailspin that won’t quit.

Parents of teens-warn your teens about the dangers

Parents of teen drivers: Show this picture on my son’s car to your children. Tell them he was close to home. Tell them my son was a “safe” driver. He loves his friends. He loved that damn car. He didn’t mean to flip it obviously, but he said it happened so fast he doesn’t even remember the details. 

One minute he was taking a corner way too fast trying to burn rubber, the next he was in a ditch, upside down not sure if he’d be able to get out of his car, or if he was all right. 

What was meant to be an innocent drive, having fun with his buddies didn’t turn out the way he expected. And yes, it could have been far worse. As his mom, I’m hoping it was bad enough to give him the only wake-up call he’ll need when it comes to driving. I hope he now realizes that he’s dealing with a dangerous machine and that there are enough worries and dangers in the world he doesn’t need to add to them by acting irresponsibly.

Please show your kids this picture

Maybe if he’d seen a picture like this it would have made him think twice. Maybe it would have negated the “it won’t happen to me” mentality that he and so many teenagers have.

I’m here to say it can happen to anyone.

It happened to my cautious son who decided it would be worth the risk fo a few minutes of entertainment for his friends. So, please. Please show this picture to your teen driver and tell them the story and hug them extra tight today.

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.

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Do you know what three-day-old trash from a roller-skating rink smells like up close? I do. It smells like melted cherry and blue raspberry slushies, congealed yellow nacho cheese, old pizza, Dr. Pepper and love.

Four days into my son’s winter break after his first semester of college things were feeling a little heavy. Nothing felt the same. We’d set up the tree while he was home during. Thanksgiving break because we couldn’t imagine doing it without him, but now the needles were dry and brittle and every time we walked past it some trickled to the ground.

We hadn’t made cookies yet because we kept holding off until he got home, but now he was home and there was no time for cookies. Friends and family assumed this much-awaited homecoming was a cause for pure celebration. But, I kept telling them, “Everything feels different. I don’t know how to do this yet.”

I try to choose my battles with my son wisely

It’s safe to say that sentiment extends beyond the holiday season. This is the first kid I’ve launched. I don’t always know where to offer advice and when to stay quiet. I try to choose my words and battles wisely. Sometimes I fail. I can’t get him to wear socks, even as temperatures sink, snow falls and he continues to wear his purple Crocs everywhere he goes.

He is making his way, at times making mistakes, and mostly refusing help. Sometimes I get flashes of a two-year-old version of him boldly declaring that he will do things “By ME OWN self!” In some ways he’s closer to that little guy than he’s been in years, except now he’s not here where I can keep an eye on him. Mostly the past few months have been about transitioning to a ‘new normal’ where everything feels like either a first, or a last, or both. I miss him all the time.

On Christmas Eve day, in search of some levity and fun, we found ourselves taking advantage of a holiday special for discounted rollerskating and a free round of laser tag. Together we cringed about the holiday music at the skating rink, but he and his sister still enjoyed several rounds of tag, looking like giant, fast versions of the kids I remember bringing there just a few years earlier.

We had a great time playing laser tag as a family

Laser tag (something we likely never would have tried had it not been included in the holiday special) brought with it all the strangeness you’d expect from an activity about targeting and being shot at by the people you love most in the world. We liked it more that I thought we would and paid for a second round because it made us laugh and kept me from thinking about the hard things for an entire nine minutes.

On the drive home I looked in the rearview mirror and the backseat looked perfect with a kid on each side. For a moment things felt normal, the old normal not the new one, and I relaxed into that feeling. As we pulled into the driveway though, my son started frantically searching the backseat. When I heard him say his hat was missing, my heart sunk.

My son lost a hat that was very special to him

My son is a rock climber and the hat was given to him when he was around twelve by an adult climber he deeply admires. It has a patch on it that references a collective of some of the best climbers in the world, but most people wouldn’t know that by looking at it – it’s like an inside joke or a secret handshake and it meant a lot to him.

Amazingly this kid who has lost I-don’t-know-how-many water bottles, the same kid who could never find his giant bright purple Crocs even though he wears them every day, had held onto this one specific hat for over six years. He wore it all the time, it had become one of those accessories you hardly notice because it’s just *always* there. That evening as we came in from the car even I felt worried about the missing hat.

I assured my son that we would find his hat

I scrolled through my phone to confirm that the skating rink was where it was lost, passing three photos of him wearing it as he skated and then suddenly it wasn’t in the pictures anymore. It must have fallen off while we were playing laser tag, or been dropped in the area where skates are rented. I reassured both of us that we’d find it in a lost and found after the holiday.

My son left a message at the skating rink and I heard him say “The hat really means a lot to me and I’d love to get it back.” The morning after Christmas he was at the climbing gym but he called the rink right after it opened and then texted me, “They do have a lost and found, but they throw out the hats. I’m really crushed.”

I was determined to find my son’s hat

I pictured him there, climbing without his hat, feeling crushed. I thought about how many problems I cannot solve for him anymore. I began to wonder if maybe this was an opportunity in disguise. It was the day after Christmas and it seemed very unlikely the trash had been picked up. If that hat was in a trashcan somewhere I was going to find it.

I decided to make my own phone call. The woman I spoke to on the phone confirmed that the trash had not been brought out to the compacter yet, but sounded perplexed. Why would I want to go through the trash for a hat? It had been sitting for days, she warned me so it would be gross. I told her I’d be there in a half hour, grabbed a pair of disposable gloves and got in the car.

There are so many conversations I don’t know how to have with my son

On the way to the skating rink I thought about all the conversations I can’t seem to figure out how to have with this new version of my son. I thought about this tug of war we’ve been in where all I want is for him to know I’m still here for him and all he wants is to show me he doesn’t need me to be.

When they go to college no one prepares you for how little you can do for them anymore. I send snacks he will eat instead of going to the dining hall and socks he won’t wear under his woefully-inadequate-for-the-weather Crocs. I remind him of a dozen things a week, with maybe a 2% success rate on follow-through. That’s kind of it.

My son not being at home feels like a phantom limb

Sometimes I think about a documentary I once watched where a person described what it’s like to have a “phantom limb” nerve pain after an amputation that makes it hurt where there is no longer bone or flesh. This launch often leaves me feeling like an interrupted neural-pathway, all the same love and intention with nowhere to go.

When I arrived to the skating rink and the manager lead me to the trash bins. I took a deep breath, put on my gloves and sifted through the stale pizza and sticky soda and cheese that had not aged at all in the three days it sat at the bottom of the bin.

At the very bottom, soggy and smelly and wrapped around a Slushie cup, I found my son’s hat.

I found the hat!

For the first time in the several early, clumsy months of this transition I knew for sure I’d gotten something right. I sent him a quick text, a photo of the hat. Three dots appeared on my screen, and then the words “No way” followed by “UR the best” and then a row of exclamation points and hearts.

In that moment the hat became every word I cannot get my son to hear, every text I can’t get him to return. It also became an important lesson for both of us about how the things we want are often less unreachable than they seem, it’s just a matter of what you’re willing to do to get them and who you have in your corner. He wanted his hat back and in making that happen I showed him I’m still in his corner.

In early January we took a hike together and he wore the new jacket we gave him as a gift, but in every picture I notice the hat first; the patch arranged casually on the front, a subtle nod to fellow climbers and maybe a reminder of that place his forehead I’ve been kissing since he was born.

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I have been working on and off as an adjunct Communications and Public Speaking instructor since 2007. I have taught both online and in-person courses.

Every semester, I experience similar issues from freshman students and although there is no guide for parenting young adults in college, I often wish I could write a letter to parents and give advice. I took this opportunity to do just that.

There are six things that parents can do to help their young adults succeed their freshmen year.

6 ways parents can help their young adults succeed in college

1. Students must be organized

First, students must be organized. They need reminders on their phones, calendars, refrigerator pin-ups, whatever works to remind them of the things they need to do and places they need to be. I often experience students giving me the “I forgot to do it” excuse for assignments due.

Important assignments such as tests, speaking events, attending events, can make or break your young adult’s chances of passing a course Although we want students to be responsible and it would be nice if they just followed the syllabus, it is unlikely this is enough (especially for freshmen students).

They need organizational tools to remind them ahead of time to work on assignments and get them complete before due dates. Just think how helpful these same tools will be as they enter the workforce. Help your young adult become organized, deadlines are everything!

2. Reading is still a vital part of learning

Although there are so many ways students can dodge reading the material these days, professors can still tell when online book reviews or cliff notes are being used. Reading is becoming less of a norm in our society for many households. Life can be busy and get in the way of things we wish we could have encouraged our children more often to do.

It is my advice to encourage children of all ages to read. Reading magazines, articles, books, news sources, and most importantly, instructions, is a must for college freshmen. 

3. Learn what APA style writing is

I have noticed that many college students are completely unaware of APA writing when entering their first year of college. This is unbelievable to me considering the assignments most professors require to be in APA format.

Parents can help by acquiring APA handbooks and encouraging the study of these books prior to starting school. It is important for students to know how to cite and reference in APA style.

4. Read the syllabus

At least ten times each semester I have to tell students to “read the syllabus.” I don’t think it is their fault, I just think the syllabus is not promoted enough as a go-to for all courses. Everything is in the syllabus from the schedule to the items needed for the class. Expectations, grading information, and important items specific to the course are in the syllabus.

It used to be common for professors to print a 10–15-page syllabus for students; however, times have changed and now they are often only available online. That doesn’t make them any less important. Parents can help by encouraging their children to access and read the syllabus- all of it! 

5. Take public speaking

I encounter more and more students who have higher than normal anxiety about public speaking. Public speaking courses are a requirement for almost any degree. For those programs that do not require it, there is still a huge change your child will be presenting sometime during the course. I have had to fail many students through the years for just skipping out on speech days, some even semester after semester.

Although I understand and sympathize with the anxiety they may have from speaking or presenting, it is a major skill employers seek and a requirement for many careers. Public speaking is a skill. It is something that develops with practice and the more practice you get, the more comfortable you are presenting.

Parents can help their student by finding events in high school where their teen can get practice. I suggest starting with church, scholastic events, clubs, etc. The goal is just to get your child comfortable getting up and speaking in front of a crowd, even if it is just on Zoom or Teams.

7. It does not help for parents to be over-involved with their teen’s first year in college

It does, however, help for parents to be involved. College is a huge transition for young adults. It can be overwhelming for anyone, but especially young adults. They don’t need helicopter parents, but they do need support.

Providing resources and materials, encouraging success habits, setting reminders, and being there to talk are perfect ways for parents to properly support their young adults during this time. 

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By Louise Kinross

A cotton baby onesie that you put on from the bottom-up was named one of TIME’s best inventions of 2023. 

The Bottom-Up Bodysuit from Tabeeze goes on feet first and does up with nickel-free snaps at the shoulders, so you don’t have to struggle getting it over your baby’s head.

Tabeeze’s founder Carrie Shaltz Haslup says she’s heard from parents of kids with disabilities and medical conditions who appreciate not having to disconnect oxygen or tracheostomy tubes to dress and undress their child.

The company’s latest accessory is an iron-on G-tube patch in bright colours that allows you to adapt your Tabeeze onesie, or other clothes, for your child’s feeding tube. They appear to be out of stock at the moment. We will update you!

For every onesie sold, Tabeeze donates one to the NICU at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. If you have a baby in the NICU, or a child with a disability or medical complexity, you can receive 40 per cent off your first order.

They also make colourful bottom-up t-shirts and zippy leg rompers.

Like this story? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

“Absolutely, yes.” 

This is what I said when my oldest son, a college junior, asked if he could bring his friends home during  a three-day weekend. It was not the first time he’d asked to bring people home, and I am certain that it won’t be the last. I didn’t hesitate to say yes.

“Come home, bring whoever, we can’t wait to see you!”

So in they came – with their pillows, bags, backpacks, shoes, computers, phones, chargers. And their presence filled the house. 

Our living room was turned into a slumber party

I made lots of food to fill their bellies, and let them raid the snacks in the pantry. The living room was turned into a slumber party, complete with sleeping bags and blankets. But aside from making sure the kids had anything they needed, I mostly went about my business and let them relax and unwind.  

The group sat around the kitchen counter and talked about all kinds of things. They remarked about classes, teachers, and what assignments were coming due when they got back to school. There was quite a bit of chatting about intramural team sports, as well as the upcoming NFL playoffs. The topics of schoolmates, relationships, and housing options for senior year made for some hearty conversations.  

I listened to the students telling their stories

I was amused by their easy-going banter, and their obvious camaraderie. The occasional bursts of laughter, which resulted from a shared inside joke or story, made me smile. I skirted outside the realm in which they dwelled, and enjoyed their youthful energy. Occasionally, I would share a story or memory from my college days – allowing myself to tiptoe into their world for just a moment.

But my heart was bursting the whole time…

Taking the first boy to college had definitely been an emotional experience. But when we pulled away after moving him in, I felt confident that he was in the right place. I hoped that he would soon start making connections that would result in lifelong friendships. I prayed he would create the memories and bonds that are so unique to college life. 

I loved to see that my son found his tribe

But this–this was something better than I ever could have envisioned. These people gathered in my kitchen, sprawled about the living room, staying up late, and just enjoying each other’s company, they are his tribe. I can see for myself how much they care about each other, and my momma heart is overflowing. 

To see that he has found such a great group of friends is priceless. Being able to get to know these “kids,” and offer them a home away from home, is such a blessing.

Because we always want our boys to come home. That will always, forever, be a yes. Home is the safe place to land. It is where you can come to recharge, refresh, and refocus. Coming home reminds you of who you are, and provides stable ground when things get shaky.  

We want our house to always feel like home to our kids and their friends

We want our house to feel like this, no matter where our kids go or what they do. Of course we knew our son would be home during breaks and the summer, but the fact that he invites his friends here makes us feel very grateful. We can’t ask for a greater compliment than that.

You may be on the verge of college parenting, or perhaps that is a stage which is years away.  There is only so much you can do to prepare your heart for that leap. But if you have raised your children on a foundation of love, it will come back to you.  

More importantly, the kids themselves will be eager to return. Best of all – they may even bring their friends.

They will choose to come home. And the answer is always a yes.

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It doesn’t matter how many years pass, each year as Elijah’s birthday approaches, I find myself moving closer to him. The body remembers and the mind is drawn to our beloveds who are gone even as our arms reach round to find them absent.

This year, Elijah turns 26. I say turns because he feels a part of the fabric of my heart even as his physical remains lie in a little cemetery on the outskirts of a town. I haven’t been to that cemetery in over a decade. I don’t feel the need to visit Elijah’s grave anymore. I did at first, and I am grateful to all who helped us keep it manicured for so many years.

My son’s memorial has moved from a monument to the lives we live

Sometimes, I imagine that anyone who walks by it might wonder why people aren’t there. I think the memorial has moved from the beautiful headstone we created to the lives that we are trying to live.

But this post is not about the end of Elijah’s life. It is about the beginning. Elijah opened my heart. He made me a mother. There is no way I was ready to mother. No one ever really is. But I brought my best mothering instincts to Elijah and to all my kids even as I brought my immaturities, my failings, and my neuroses. This is what parents do. We muddle through with skills that are in no way comparable to the love that we feel for our babies.

The love of a parent is vast

It is a vast love. It is an imperfect love. It is a love that we have to learn to shape in the ways our kids actually need. I do not think that parenting ever gets easier – maybe in the physical, but there are still days where I am up early for the school run and late with a little TLC for kids who are coming of age in a world that is amazingly tumultuous.

Was it any less so when I was coming of age? Maybe not. But I was certainly less aware, and I was comforted by the certitude that God was in control. Then I started thinking, “If this is God in control, no thank you.”

What I didn’t leave is the sense that mystery exists. That faith involves not certainty but a humble acceptance of the absolute wildness of our existence. I can bow to that wildness. I see it in the storms that just blew through much of our country. It’s a wild world, and lately I have found it pretty grounding to right-size my expectations about this existence. We are so small. And that’s really just fine.

My son’s birth awakened vulnerability and joy in me

Elijah’s birth brought to bear both our vulnerability and our propensity toward joy. He awakened curiosity in me. The kid loved the water . . . and stones. And crayons. I was telling my other kids how Eijah would sit and intently make marks on the page with crayons and pens. He seemed in awe of his ability to put those marks down. So human. So aware somehow of the magic of his own agency. And just so dang sweet. Yeah, that’s my boy; sweet and sure to find his way into a scrape.

This weekend, I will take some time to honor that birth, likely a bit on my own. Then, I will turn the page and glory in his sister’s birthday the very next day. The see-saw of emotion used to be pretty extreme. But I think the day has softened over the years. We always miss our loved ones. But how can I not celebrate this little one that set me on the journey of motherhood?

Parenting is a journey I’m still on and I celebrate the one who started it for me

It’s a journey I am still on. Let me tell you, labor is just the beginning. The work is lifelong, and I am convinced that our job is to help our kids be born not to us, but into themselves. And what selves they are if we will just sit back and observe. What a gift to stop trying to control their emergence. I absolutely give a little push now and again, but what I enjoy the most are the moments when I just sit back and watch them take on some new endeavor.

My youngest plucking a guitar last night, Oli popping off a witticism at light speed, Ana intuitively paring heels with her (okay my) bell bottoms.

All of my kids coming to me with a “Dearest Mama.” (A sure sign that my credit card is about to be requested). 

Yeah, Elijah started all this business, and I celebrate that, all the while holding that crevice of ache very gently today. Gently, gently, we go. Love to all of you who have had the joy of loving deeply and the honor of holding a loved one who has passed on close in your heart. 

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