Category: Family & Parenting

Do you sometimes say “yes” to avoid your child’s negative reaction? You’re definitely not alone! None of us wants to upset our kids, and when faced with that option, we tend to second guess our boundaries: Should I keep playing this game even though I’m busy, tired, or not in the mood? This week, Janet explores the reasons we doubt ourselves, particularly when it comes to personal boundaries, how to overcome our hesitancy, and why our kids really need us to.

Transcript of “Toddlers That Won’t Go to Bed (Solutions from Eileen Henry)”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I have the pleasure of hosting Eileen Henry. She’s a longtime friend and fellow RIE associate. And she’s a pioneer, as one of the first child sleep consultants in the U.S. She’s been helping families achieve peaceful and lasting sleep for decades. Eileen offers effective, holistic solutions that end up transforming parents’ experience with sleep and common behavior issues in the early years of development. Eileen’s the real deal, and when she works with you, it’s with her and the unique method she developed, not borrowed ideas from other experts.

She says: “Underneath most behavior is a need that longs for expression. Often these needs are in conflict with one another in the early years.” I’m really excited for the second opportunity to share Eileen’s sage insights with you on Unruffled.

Hi there, Eileen. Welcome back. Thank you so much for returning to share with us.

Eileen Henry: Always a pleasure.

Janet Lansbury: As Eileen knows, I sent her a whole bunch of questions. They were just some that I’ve been saving because they’re all around what Eileen is an expert in, which is sleep issues. All of these are about helping our child to get to sleep. It’s not about what happens after they’re already asleep and it’s done, but it’s that process of helping them get to bed, which can be very challenging, obviously.

I thought maybe we could start by having you say a little bit about what you thought about all these notes, if there’s something that stuck out for you as a similar theme in the issues parents are having. Some general guidelines, maybe, that you could offer before we get into the specifics.

Eileen Henry: Yes, I’m happy to. I noticed they’re all toddlers. I think the youngest one is a year old, and that’s coming in the beginning toddler. And then there is the accomplished toddler: two, two-and-a-half, coming into three years old. Very verbal, and they’re accomplished in their basic skill set and they’re practicing their skills. And they really show up in the night before bed when it’s time to let go and say goodbye to the day and separate from parents.

I like to look at this in the macro and then the micro. The macro, the family system, we’re working on meeting the needs of the child in the context of the most dynamic stage of growth and change in a human being’s lifetime: development. And development is the most interruptive thing to sleep. And it’s kind of an entropic system, early family life. It’s going from order to chaos to order to chaos. Order is when the habit formation solidifies and there’s a good habit, a good routine, and things are rolling along. And then chaos comes in big leaps of development and change. And toddlers are really apprehending a lot of emotional change, cognitive change, and change is happening in the environment too.

Janet Lansbury: And physical change too, in their development.

Eileen Henry: Oh yeah. And our job is really, if we think of the overall, is to create a sense of order just enough that over time we’re modeling the ability to return to order when life and change and growth and development takes us into chaos. So we’re always ushering them back into a place of order, into a place of stability. And that learning, that’s a two-decade proposition and learning experience, really. Because that’s how long this kind of dynamic brain development is going on.

I really identify with the toddler. This is the training ground and it really paves the way to the young child, the adolescent, and the teenager. Ninety-nine percent of the time, when people come to me with toddler sleep, it’s not a genuine sleep issue. It’s a boundary and a habit issue. And that’s great news because, as you know, Janet, Magda told us we can change anything we’re doing with our children at any time. And I love that because we’re going to do this over and over with our children.

Janet Lansbury: That’s right. It’s never too late. It’s never too early to start thinking about creating routines that you want to work in the future or that you hope will work.

And I am with you totally on loving the toddler years. One of the reasons is they’re just a mess, putting it all out there. Hopefully we see it as kind of a lovable mess, but as we get older, we’re more hidden in our feelings and things we’re going through. Toddlers just are like an open book.

Eileen Henry: They are. And what they’re grappling with is a lot that human beings, we do all our lives. And I think one of the most interesting elements of humanness is desire and longing. And toddlers, we see it in their behavior—and you’ve talked to this a lot, and I love how you speak to this—that underneath the behavior are needs. And if we can get under the behavior, the desire, the longing, the asking, mommy, mommy, mommy, running around, that wild burst of energy they can get before bedtime. Underneath the behavior is the desire to connect, the desire for some control.

And I like the word “apprehend” because it really captures how the embodied toddler is coming into these natural human feelings of desire and longing and wanting and expression and mischief and curiosity and all of that. They apprehend it in an embodied, physical, highly expressive way. And they’re having conflicting needs.

Janet Lansbury: Yes, and that’s what you’re reminding me of is that even though I said they’re putting it all out there, they’re putting it all out there, but not in a way that’s clearly going to communicate to us all the time what the actual need is. Sometimes it’s, “I need to be with you all the time!” That’s what I’m saying and that’s what I’m demonstrating. But what I really need is the order that you can give me. What you’re talking about, about order. And so that’s where it’s so easy to get misdirected by them because obviously our heart goes out when they’re saying, “I just need to be with you. Don’t ever leave me!” kind of thing.

Eileen Henry: And the truth of the matter is, because they’re still immature, so this rising up, this first time in toddlerhood, these genuine feelings are coming up, they’re still immature and they don’t know the difference between a need and a want. And that’s our relentless job, to discern that for them. If we think about it, we look around, a lot of grown-ups struggle with that, so we can really give toddlers a big break.

Janet Lansbury: Absolutely. Okay, we better get going on these questions because we do have a lot and I want to get to as much of this as possible, get your expertise. And I know parents really appreciate hearing advice on these issues. Here’s the first one:

I’ve recently bought No Bad Kids and I’ve been implementing some of your disciplinary guidelines and I’ve noticed them make a huge difference in my relationship with my daughter. Meal times are much smoother. I’ve noticed that she appears so much more confident to explore and play on her own. I’m feeling less guilty and much more confident about setting boundaries. Yay! And our time together feels really connected.

One area I’m still struggling with is bedtime, which has never been particularly easy for us. My daughter has a sensitive nervous system and definitely takes a while to wind down in the evening. That being said, we had a nice little rhythm going until this last week. The rhythm was: physical movement and dancing, wind down, dinner, bath, husband reads with her, he leaves the room, I come in and sing songs with her, sleep. We’ve been staying at the in-laws’ while they’re away, I think this might be a contributing factor. And as soon as bathtime is over and I’ve finished reading to her, singing songs, and winding down, she all of a sudden becomes giggly and starts climbing off and onto the floor bed, crawling around the floor, picking up anything on the floor that she can find. Last night it was a lamp, which I’ve since moved away.

And then she starts either hitting or biting. Last night after she had bitten me twice, I told her that I wouldn’t let her do that and that I’d send her dad to finish bedtime. She cried for about 20 minutes straight until I eventually came back into the room and from there she managed to get to sleep, but this was already way past her bedtime. We’re facing the same situation tonight. I’ve been bitten twice and I’ve now left the room and her dad is reading to her. No tears yet, though.

Any tips you could offer would be so greatly appreciated.

Eileen Henry: Okay, yes. The first thing I would ask is how the naps are. Most toddlers at this age still need a combined two minimum, preferably three hours of day sleep. And so if they don’t get that, the cortisol builds up and the wild child shows up right before bed. I love the ritual that they have—the physical activity, dancing, moving around, and how they wind into the night. And I trust mother’s intuition that she has a sensitive nervous system. Those nervous systems need a little longer to wind down, and so I would start earlier with that winding-down process, but I really love that. I love the dance before dinner and then coming in to dinner, then books. And once we enter the bedroom, we want to create a really intimate, close connection.

I wonder about the floor bed, too. Sometimes for this age child, that can be a lot of room and, depending how the setup is, I always ask for pictures of the physical environment. So once they start crawling up and down and off the bed and all around, the container might need to be brought in. And I’m also not sure if the parents are the body boundary, if they’re laying down to have her stay on the floor bed. Our presence can become really stimulating for our little ones, especially this age. So if we combine a little lack of sleep during the day, or even if she’s getting enough sleep during the day, let’s say she’s getting great naps and this behavior is still showing up, I would recommend bringing in the container to give her the ability to move around.

As far as the biting goes, my daughter, when she was two-and-a-half, left a RIE class after her best friend bit the heck out of her, and she looked at me the next day and there was still a mark on her arm and she said, “Ava didn’t mean to hurt me, she just meant to bite me.” It’s so true. It’s that impulse, that compulsion, just like that nyump expression. And sometimes it’s an expression of passion, excitement, this idea called cute aggression. When human beings get really excited, it’s just like, I want to bite it! I would say, in a quiet moment: “I notice that you get really excited before sleep time and you bite.” And offering something to bite in the bathtub, offering a lovey, the transitional object, something they can bite. And I would remove myself after the first bite. So, “Oh, you bit me, I’m going to step away.”

But the need for attachment, closeness, connection, and the opposite, equal conflicting need for autonomy, separateness, authenticity, those are usually the two conflicting needs at this time. So I give a lot of preparation to the physical environment and the emotional environment because we’re sculpting a container that holds our children, it holds our toddlers, it holds their sleep. And it also holds these expressions of needing to move and needing to get that out of the body. That’s what they are in charge of. They’re in charge of moving their bodies and finding the rest, and we’re in charge of holding the boundary and coming and going in what I call “co-regulation in motion.”

In toddlerhood, these natural behaviors come up and the parent being next to the child is really stimulating. Quite often the child can find rest sooner if they have a safe environment. They can roll around, play with their lovey, play with their toes and their hands, and walk around and let the body find rest. So I would just need more information on the physical environment. And I know they’re at their in-laws’ house. So it’s a new environment, that’s challenging. But the floor bed at home, what is that physical environment like? And how to create a little more containment for the one-year-old to move about and get that energy out of her so that her body can find rest.

Janet Lansbury: I was thinking about what the parent said about the sensitive nervous system too, which would make a child even more sensitive to the energy of the parent. And then if the parent’s getting annoyed—which is very normal for us to do, we want our day to be over as a parent, and now it’s taking longer and longer. And so now our energy is not just exciting because it’s a parent, but it’s unnerving because our vibration is not a comfortable one.

Eileen Henry: Yes, and they’re interested in that. That’s curious . . . They’re learning in relationship. And sensitive nervous systems don’t usually happen in a vacuum. They happen within the nervous system of the family. And so we want to be mindful of any somatic practice of self-regulation starting earlier. When we notice these things in our children at a year old, it’s not too young to say, “I see and I hear you. I see this at night. Let’s get to the bedroom sooner so you can crawl up and down off of the bed for a bit, and then settle in for story time.” I don’t know what time they’re hitting the bath, but by bathtime she might be a little overtired. This is classic a-little-jacked-up-on-cortisol behavior.

Janet Lansbury: Yes. And one of my three children, bathing actually stimulated him, so it didn’t have that effect that we hope it’s going to have. So it’s not necessarily a calming-down experience for children. It can be an excitable experience too.

Eileen Henry: Good point. Then that way we would want to put that earlier in the ritual, maybe after the dance party, then the bath. We’re going from an upright, active love, family environment to horizontal, quiet love, sleep environment.

Janet Lansbury: Great, I love that. Okay, here’s another one:

I’m a mum to T, a delightful, curious, intuitive, and strong-spirited 23-month-old who’s an incredible communicator, strong verbal skills. Myself and my partner follow a gentle, respectful approach with her and have done from the beginning. I’m currently at home with T full-time except for naps, and one afternoon a week when my mum has her. I really feel I need this time and space to refill my cup.

In the last few weeks, my mum has received a cancer diagnosis, and whilst we are awaiting a full diagnosis and prognosis, I believe the cancer is advanced and we are perhaps facing the end of her life. I—understandably, I know—feel overwhelmed and sad and find my tolerance and patience with my daughter is in much shorter supply than usual. In light of the diagnosis, I’m not asking my mum to look after T, as I feel she has enough to manage and process at the moment.

T is also beginning to refuse her nap, which I’m finding so frustrating and feel myself becoming uncompromising and resentful with her in the moment. We have recently stopped feeding through the night, which on the whole T has managed and accepted very well.

I wonder if you can speak to how to navigate this time— the frustration I’m feeling towards my daughter when she refuses to nap, losing the small window I have to myself now, and also how to navigate any changes that may help support me during what I feel will be stormy clouds ahead for our family.

I’m mindful that the gentle approach to making changes such as stopping feeding or bed-sharing is to do this when there are no big life changes imminent. Whilst I don’t particularly want to stop either, I worry that if my mom’s prognosis is poor, I’m going to be rocked to my core and I’m not sure I will be able to manage feeding and the lack of space bed-sharing currently allows going forward.

Any insight, wise words, and tips gratefully received.

Eileen Henry: This is when human beings are the most human: grieving. Yeah, all these feelings that are coming up for you, “uncompromising and resentful with her in the moment.” That’s so human. That’s so understandable when you’re going through grief. And this is a unique grief, this mother is in the middle of the past of being mothered by her mother and mothering. This is a huge transition. It’s kind of this mom to not want to put too much on her mother as far as doing the caregiving with her, given what she’s going through. I would say if you could carve out time of just the three of you being together and just being present with each other as much as possible and really sinking into this time, this huge transition.

You stopped feeding through the night, which your toddler accepted very well—hold on to that. Developmentally, she’s capable of holding on to night weaning and you don’t need to go back to that, because that’s going to deplete you. And you want to be as resourced as you can going through this time. As far as bed-sharing, you could make that change. But I would say, trust yourself. Is that a change that you really feel like you could make right now?

And as far as the nap goes, if you’re doing bed-sharing at night, I take it that your daughter is reliant on you to lie down with her for naps. Here again, it would be setting up the sanctuary of rest, relaxation, downtime, and not even call it nap. But at this age, if she’s used to you being with her to get the nap, it’s going to be hard to change that at this age. You could just transition to downtime and go to bed earlier or be with her. Your body might need a nap at that time. Grief is exhausting, it takes a lot of energy to be present with grief. But if you could create a space that you could just give her permission to, you can make noise, you can sleep, you can hang out, you can play. And this is the downtime. And we give them an environmental cue. I like using a light cue. Red is slow down, hang out, quiet play and green is go, dog, go!

Janet Lansbury: Are you saying that the parent would separate and say, “This is your time. You can go to sleep if you feel like it. You don’t have to.” And letting go of that pressure the parent’s putting on herself. Often it’s letting go of something around sleep that makes it work, just because sleep is letting go, right? That starts with us letting go. So letting go of that it has to be this way. Like, Here’s some things in your room. Hang out, but I’m going to rest. I’m going to go rest now.

Eileen Henry: We’re modeling self-care and we’re showing our daughters how to love the self, how to take care of the self as far as the basic needs. And it’s okay. Because we also have that need for closeness and attachment versus self-preservation, authenticity, and autonomy. And we want our children to integrate those two because those two needs, that are in conflict, they’re going to have to navigate and even negotiate in every close relationship they have in this life, especially their intimate relationships.

So what we want to do is create, again, a sanctuary, a calming, peaceful place that we can release the child to. And I don’t know how this little one, how her autonomy muscle is. If she’s used to having the place in RIE, the yes space, where we can release our little ones to and they have autonomous, self-directed play. And we come and go. Check in, go do our thing, come back and check in. And that can be built at any time. I just don’t know, going through grief, if this is something this mom can take on. I would encourage her to let go.

Toddlers are great at grief. They can cycle through every stage in like 20 to 30 minutes. Denial, bargaining, sad, disappointment, anger, rage, sad, frustration, acceptance. And when I work with mothers who are going through a grieving process and changing sleep habits in their home, what they’re faced with is their own grief and then their child going through their loss in grief of separating, saying goodbye to the day, letting go of mom and dad as their sleep rock. And I do discuss in toddler sleep the process that toddlers are going through. A letting go, a loss, a grieving. If they’re letting go of the breast as their sleep crutch or being in constant contact with a parent. And as we usher them and support them into moving into greater abilities and autonomy, they have to let go of that. And they experience all the feelings of grief.

The only other attachment person that talks about this and the grief around sleep and saying goodbye and letting go is Gordon Neufeld. He really speaks to this beautifully. And we both agree that we meet that letting go with ritual—storytelling especially, as part of the ritual—and lullaby. Those are the two perfect ways to meet grief and letting go, because that’s how we’ve dealt with it for thousands of years. Before the written word, we did oral storytelling. And the lullaby is an ancient, ancient form that we use in rituals, especially rituals to deal with sadness, loss, and grief.

Janet Lansbury: And do you feel like since this is a grieving, letting-go process, that this is also a time to consider that there may be some really healthy crying children need to share?

Eileen Henry: Yes.

Janet Lansbury: Generally I always feel like, and I would notice this in my children, if children this age, that are in such emotional turmoil for a good part of the day, if they don’t have regular venting periods, which is usually around when we set a boundary with them, Sorry, we can’t play outside anymore. It’s really time to come in. If we could see those all as positive sharing that our child needs to do, if we could keep reminding ourselves of this perspective that, Oh, I haven’t done a bad thing as a mom, this isn’t bad. This is actually really a positive thing. Then our children don’t have to store it up until the end of the day.

Eileen Henry: Yes. I’m thinking of that previous letter, the little two-biter. Mom stepped away and her daughter cried for 20 minutes and then she came back and she was ready to go to sleep. She had the release she needed. Here again, release is so important.

Janet Lansbury: Yes. I like that analogy of the container, but for my survival it’s been more like that little bit of emotional distance of kind of being the therapist that I guess contains, but it’s more like witnesses. It’s more like allows for, makes room for, and doesn’t have to take it onto myself in any way.

Eileen Henry: Yeah. We’re doing something with our children that therapists will intentionally do but don’t want to unconsciously do. We’re in parallel process with them. And that’s going to be the challenge of this mom. Parallel process is if we start to feel the feelings of the other so much that we get carried and swept away in their experience and we don’t remain differentiated.

Janet Lansbury: And it’s really hard not to do that, by the way. Really, really hard. But that’s why I like the visual for me, the feeling of being the anchor. People will say to me, “Well, I’m riding these waves.” No, don’t ride the waves with your child! If you’re surfing all day, you’re going to be wasted.

Eileen Henry: You’re going to get swept away.

Janet Lansbury: But if you can be an anchor, then it’s passing through and you expect it to. You’re not trying to stop the waves or tame them. That’s why I hate that term “taming tantrums” and things like that. No, that’s us trying to control something that we don’t any of us control, which is our feelings.

Eileen Henry: No. I think tantrums are absolutely something that the child can handle. They can’t control it. It kind of has to ride its course, right? It just rides its course and then it comes down and all of a sudden it’s, “Oh, a bird!” They move through.

Janet Lansbury: Right. And it’s very sudden a lot of the time, like, What just happened? They’re fine and I’m still a mess. What’s going on here? But yeah, that always amazes me. I’ve seen that so many times with children I’ve worked with, my own children, that you feel like, as a parent that’s sensitive like I am, It’s the end of the world! And now two seconds later, What just happened? They’re all, La la la, everything’s great. What happened? And that’s why people think they’re faking it, right? Because how can they do that? But that’s the healthy way that children vent.

Eileen Henry: That’s what I mean by integrate. So the more we hold that anchor for them—I like the anchor too—holding that space, they’re able to move through those feelings. And I’ve noticed with my own and with children that I’ve worked with and the feedback I get from parents, it’s scary. And yet over time as they develop, it integrates into a very fluid and flexible emotional system. No one feeling takes them out. They’re able to have all the feelings of being human and all the feelings of grief and all the feelings of loss and all the feelings of frustration and disappointment, all of it. I think it may have been Gordon Neufeld who says, and they have every right to have every feeling.

Janet Lansbury: Right. And Magda said that too, all the time. Even about infants, that they have a right to cry. Okay, so moving on. That was wonderful, thank you. Here’s another one:

My daughter is turning three in March. She is soooo needy. She has been this way from the day she was born. She still needs me to put her to sleep. I stay with her until she’s fallen asleep. If I try to leave while she’s still awake, she screams and cries in despair to the point she will vomit. My back aches on a daily basis from carrying her. That’s the only way she will fall asleep.

On another note, she’s extremely needy. I get stressed because she doesn’t let me do anything. I tell her I need to get ready and will come back in five minutes. As soon as I step into my room, she’s calling for me. “Mommy, mommy!” It goes like this all day long. I give her my undivided attention, but it’s just not enough for her. I’m a stay-at-home mom and only work on Sundays as an RN.

I’m exhausted. Please budge me towards the right direction.

Eileen Henry: Oh, the three-year-old’s on top.

I’m going to go into the language of, “she still needs me to put her to sleep.” In my book, I talk about the difference between authentic need and parent-reinforced need. So, this is good news: This is a parent-reinforced need. She doesn’t need you to put her to sleep, but in her little mind she does because that’s the only way it’s happened. So, she can do it. She wants you to put her to sleep. And this is the discernment we have to do, the difference between a need and a want. And if you don’t, “she screams and cries in despair.” That is because she hasn’t learned another way to do it. But she can. She can.

And the great thing about working with a three-year-old, they have all their skills, they’re just practicing them over and over. They’re verbal. If there are any words coming out of the mouth, that means they do have access to what higher brain they do possess. And that actually isn’t distress or despair, that is longing and desire and come fix it because I don’t know any other way.

So I would encourage her to allow her daughter to learn how to navigate the liminal space of consciousness. From consciousness to unconsciousness, that’s the space that our toddlers have to confront to become skilled sleepers. And we help them. We set them up, we prepare them. I use storytelling, lovies, play, dress rehearsal, lullaby to set them up with a ritual that is irresistible to the toddler to prepare them, to release them into that space and learn how to navigate that space.

“She doesn’t let you do anything.” That means she’s in charge. And when toddlers are in charge, no one really gets what they need. It’s chaos. If I see an amount of chaos in an exhausted parent, it’s she’s gotten on top of the sleep ritual.

And the vomiters, oh my goodness, that’s a longer discussion. I’ve worked with varying degrees of vomiting. And it’s disheartening and it’s really upsetting to parents, yet it’s one of the easiest things for them to do is vomit. Crying and vomit is easy. It’s not like the vomiting that grown-ups do. It’s very different. We give them permission to vomit, actually. That’s just flat-out honest. We prepare them. We set up the crib, we set up the space, we put out new jammies. I have some of the most incredible stories I have about the cathartic experience vomiting children went through and got to the other side. A two-year-old who went to the crib and pointed and gagged and pointed to the crib and shook his head and said, “No more, no more.” Because his mom told him over and over, “It’s okay if you vomit. You don’t have to, but if you vomit, I’m going to clean it up, I’m going to take care of it, and we’re going to put you back to bed.” A toddler who is three years old at the gate, and his mom set him up, he had his bucket, they went through the dress rehearsal. And she sent me an email the next morning, she said, “I was in the kitchen and I heard the bucket fly over the gate. And I went and he looked at me, he said, ‘I don’t need that.’” And he went and got back to bed and he went to sleep. He was given permission for even that expression.

Janet Lansbury: Because the parent had the perspective that you gave them to not be deeply alarmed, like most of us are, especially the first time that happens.

Eileen Henry: Two to three years old, I tell parents, this is the age where we titrate the bad news and the great news, because it’s both for the child. That grown-ups are in charge and we don’t harm ourselves anymore to take care of our children. If our back is genuinely hurting, we look at the child and say, “You know what, sweetie? When I do that over and over, that hurts my back. So I’ll come sit down. You can sit in my lap.” We give them options, but we don’t do things that hurt us anymore. Because again, we’re modeling what it’s like to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves lovingly.

Janet Lansbury: Yes, I think it’s so hard for us, it was for me at first, to frame these kind of boundaries and sticking up for ourselves as such a positive, important teaching moment that will benefit our child their whole life. If we can see boundaries that way.

Eileen Henry: So underneath is the need, we want to meet the need. And then the behavior, we’ve talked about “letting it ride,” that expression and then it integrates and the nervous system calms down. The more the behavior meets the strong boundary, the loving limit, and the environment stays consistent, strong, and it holds, the behavior, even the vomiting, it goes away.

Janet Lansbury: Right. Because there’s a calming effect of, Oh, I don’t have to run everything. They’re comfortable being my leader, they’re comfortable doing this.

What I would say to this parent too, what I would suggest is that she gets the practice. Because I feel like bedtime is the hardest time to set a boundary. We’re tired. They’re tired. It’s this sensitive time for us separating from our children. It’s not just them separating from us. It’s us. And we want to feel like it was a good day and it’s all nice so that we can get to sleep and not feel agitated and worried that it’s all wrong and everything’s bad. It’s a really important time for a positive feeling. So I would just lean into the boundaries all day long so that you get a lot of practice with the dynamic of: I set the boundary. You get upset. I hold the boundary because I love you too much to not hold this for you. You need me to. And yes, you’re going to rail at me and scream at me and whine and say my name 50 million times, but I love you too much to crumble for you. It’s this really powerful, loving reframe. And the more practice she gets, the better chance she’ll have of being able to do this at night. Which is the hardest time, for me at least.

Eileen Henry: Yes. And setting the stage. A three-year-old, we can look at them and say, “You know what? I want to create a bedtime we look forward to.” That’s why I involve toddlers in their own solutions. We actually collaborate a solution with them. Now, we’re in charge of it, we show them the structure of it. And then we allow them to invite in the stuffy support animals, we invite in this creative connection we forge with them—what bridges us to the next day, where we’re going to meet, where we might meet in our dreams. A verbal child, this is when we really want to create an intimate, lovely preparation to then release them and let go of them.

Janet Lansbury: And I think the more mutual it is, the easier it’ll be for us to release it. Because there’s trust. Our child will make deals with us that they will not follow necessarily, they will not come through on. We shake hands on like, “Alright, we’re going to hug three times and say goodnight, and that’s going to be it.” And we can’t expect them to go with the deal, but at least we know they made this deal. And so I’m going to trust that if they’re not accepting it now, it’s because they need to vent something with me as I’m leaving or whatever it is. And it helps them to get a sense of control too. So yeah, I love that idea of children participating in the ritual. Their ideas about what do you need, what do you want, what should we do? And then, Okay, here’s how we’ll do it, then. Us having the final say.

Eileen Henry: Right, we’re modeling. So we’re saying, Okay, what are your non-negotiables? What do you want before bedtime? We’re going to have this, we’re going to have that. We’re going to make sure to make time for you crawling up and down off the bed. We build it into the ritual so that the child feels seen, heard, and understood, that they’re an active part of this and we’re creating something together to look forward to. And then we literally release them into the sanctuary. We release them into their imaginations, their wonder. They have their lovies. We give them what they’re in charge of in their environment, the lovey, the support animal.

I use storytelling kind of like lore, and there are archetypes in the story. There’s the vulnerable one we take care of and nurture. There’s the protector, maybe a bear. Lately dragons have been really popular with little boys as the overall watching over, protecting the space. And we give them these archetypes and we release them to it. We release them to the self, and we release them into their unconscious where all the shadow material waits for us in our dreams. They’re so good at it.

Janet Lansbury: Yeah, they are. And if we go into that knowing that we’ve done this together, and sometimes I even say, or even suggest, I remember saying this to my children, “If you have more feelings as I’m leaving, you get to share those and I will be back to check on you.” And that’s in the routine. We practice that. So it’s really, it’s in the play for us. It helps us kind of settle into our role a little bit better. I needed a lot of help with this. That’s why I’ve got all these ideas and why I have ideas for other parents too. Because there’s no one with a harder time setting limits than me. I mean, I love the expression, “I never let go of anything without leaving claw marks in it.”

Eileen Henry: Me too. I think I know where you got that one from. I like that one.

Janet Lansbury: And children are like that, right? Young children are. And they’re supposed to be, and that’s okay. If we can normalize that for ourselves and expect it, even, it’s just going to be easier for us to face it with that heroism that we need so often as parents around boundaries.

Eileen Henry: It is. And I tell parents, you just have to be good enough. My kids are way better at boundaries than I am, to this day. Just good enough. Thank goodness we don’t have to do it perfectly.

And that checking in on them, if we can lead the check-ins and reassure the child, I’m going to go do X and then I’m going to come back and check in on you. And if you can keep it a little lighthearted—you talk about this, I’ve heard you talk about this—staying in lighthearted and almost playful. I used to tell my daughter, “I always have three more kisses in me, so when I come back, you tell me where you want those kisses.” And she’d want them on her doll, on her elbow. And it was a little playful.

Also, a magical little phrase and mantra is, “You know what, sweetie? I’m going to give you longer to work this out. I’m right over there. I’m going to be back. I’m listening. I hear you calling mommy, mommy, mommy. I hear that. And I’m going to give you longer to work this out and settle down and go to sleep.” A three-year-old, we can start to speak to them. And I think that is a respectful, gentle way of speaking to a child. It’s just their reaction can be anything but gentle. They’re ruckus, they’re rough and tumble, so that’s going to come back at us.

Janet Lansbury: They’re not unruffled, which is partly what I love about them. But yeah, the reason to have that light attitude too is—and not that we can snap our fingers and have this, it’s all about this perspective and everything that you’ve talked about here today. It’s important because then our child isn’t feeling those intense, uncomfortable things coming from us that they’re going to absorb, and now they’ve got to deal with that too at bedtime. If we can be clear and confident and light in what we’re doing, they have nothing else to dig into there when they’re clawing. There’s nothing, it’s like we’re light as a feather. What are they going to claw into? And that’s what they need. They don’t want to be stuck either, in their heart of hearts. They don’t want to be in that in-between place. They want to go to sleep too, down deep, because they’re exhausted.

Eileen Henry: They don’t want to work that hard. They will.

Janet Lansbury: It’s like they feel like they have to, they can’t be the one to let go first. It’s this wonderful way they’re built.

Eileen Henry: When you’re in the moment, I do appreciate how hard it is when your child’s tugging on your heartstrings.

Janet Lansbury: It really is. And so we do whatever we do and then later we look at it and say, Okay, maybe I want to be kinder to myself the next time. And I’ll try it, and we just do our best. And at some point we realize, because we see it evident in front of us in all the boundaries that we set, that, Oh my gosh, that was a gift that I just gave my child.

Eileen Henry: Yeah. I think there’s a magic in preparing ahead of time, preparing the child, walking them through, having one last night. Especially if they’re heavy sleep crutches, like still holding them to sleep or nursing them to sleep or being with them or picking them up a bunch of times to fix their sleep for them. To really prepare the self, then prepare the child, and then walk through with that confident momentum. I love your term. Confident momentum is co-regulation in motion. It has a momentum, it has a confident movement to it.

Janet Lansbury: Yeah. And it doesn’t have the trepidation. Because sometimes when I suggest to parents that they prepare, they interpret it as if they’re using this warning tone. Well, now I have to do this, and here’s your last kiss. And that’s not the comfortable parent that we’re talking about, that’s so vital to this process.

Wow. You are just a wealth of information and inspiration, and I hope that everybody checks out your website if they haven’t already: compassionatesleepsolutions.com. And your book, The Compassionate Sleep Solution, Calming the Cry. Check that out too. Check out her social media. We’ll put links into the transcript.

And she does this amazing thing: 15-minute free consultations with Eileen. That is huge. So you might want to check that out as well and take advantage. And I love the work that you’re doing and how you’ve spearheaded this work, this role of sleep consultant. You’ve provided a service that is so essential. If we’re not sleeping, everything is much harder.

Eileen Henry: It is. It’s the foundation of our well-being. It really is, to be resourced as parents and human beings. It certainly was for me.

Janet Lansbury: Thank you so much, Eileen.

Eileen Henry: Oh, it’s always a pleasure to hang out with you. Thank you.

♥

Janet Lansbury: Again, Eileen’s website is compassionatesleepsolutions.com, and you can also hear our previous conversation on Unruffled, The Beauty of Sleep.

Thank you so much for listening and all your kind support. We can do this.

Maybe you’re dreaming of an empty nest. The peace, the quiet.Or maybe you’re dreading the mere thought of it. The sadness, the quiet.

Or, like many in the same boat, you haven’t really even given it a thought yet, because you’re still wading through the final year or two of your kid’s high school experience and all of the craziness that goes along with that. 

But as Ferris Bueller warned us all those years ago,

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.

Ferris Bueller

And in the case of becoming an empty nester, if you don’t stop and address what’s coming, you might get blindsided.

How does the empty nest sneak up on us so darn quickly?

For starters, we’re busy. Like, never-enough-hours-in-the-day busy. Who doesn’t get caught up in all the minutia of raising children, managing their schedules, and juggling endless responsibilities? And it sure as heck doesn’t get any easier as they become teenagers, with a mental load that is downright dizzying at times. As a result, we don’t realize how quickly time is passing until we suddenly find ourselves staring at a list of recommended dorm items with tears welling up in our eyes.

And, oh yeah – we all get distracted. We invest significant amounts of time and energy (some might argue too much) into nurturing and supporting our children. Our daily attention is primarily focused on their next hurdle – making the cut for their team, getting a driver’s license, passing that darn AP class, prepping for the SAT, completing all those college applications – which can make it much too easy to overlook our impending empty nest.

Also, if we’re being honest, we tend to push aside the complex emotions surrounding an empty nest to “deal with that later.” The thought of any child leaving home is tough, whether it’s your first one to go, your only child, or your baby who you will always think of as too young to leave the house. It’s easy to live in denial rather than face such complicated emotions and dwell on the seismic shift in your family dynamics. 

So, before you and your spouse are staring at each other in disbelief that you are alone at the dinner table and it’s way too quiet, here are some big considerations to start thinking about as soon as possible.

Five things to address NOW before your nest is empty.

1. Your marriage

One of the biggest realities of a newly empty nest is that the absence of our kids can sometimes exacerbate underlying tensions or conflicts in our marriages. Without the enormous distraction of day-to-day parenting responsibilities, many couples are left to confront issues that have been previously overlooked or neglected.

Whether you’ve consciously thought about it or not, you may be staying in an unhealthy relationship “for the kids,” and I can tell you that a lot of people wake up one day after their nest is empty and look at their spouse and think, “Who is this person?” Are you still attracted to them? Do you make each other happy? Are you feeling more like roommates than true partners? Now may be the best time to consider starting couples’ therapy.

2. Jobs and finances

Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to work and money once your kids are out of your house? Some people quietly anticipate retiring early, some want to go back to school, or work more hours, or even change their career altogether.

Perhaps your spouse wants to start splurging on travel but you’re thinking about socking away more savings. Maybe you feel like you want to upgrade your car or renovate your kitchen, and your partner wants to sell a car and start working from home. Now is the time to start sharing your expectations and talking about long term goals and compromises.

3. Your house

Yay, empty nesting means downsizing right? And moving to the coast like you talked about years ago! Wait, what? Your sister has two adult kids living back at home because they can’t afford to rent. Your neighbor’s son is going to grad school and saving money by living in their basement. And your mother-in-law keeps hinting about how nice it would be to live with one of her children.

Are you staying or going or buying an RV to live on the road? Check in with your spouse and start strategizing your options.

4. Your health (and your parents’ health)

Yes, Ferris, life does indeed move fast, and we may not want to admit it, but we’re all middle aged now – even though 50 is the new 35, right? And many of us have neglected ourselves while we’ve been so busy focusing on our kids, our jobs, and everyone else but us. When was the last time you had a comprehensive health exam?

Are you current on all of your screenings? Have you been tending to your mental health? And, what about your and your spouse’s parents? Sadly, now is the season of life when we all are dealing with similar parental situations – complex health issues, decisions surrounding moving into assisted living and memory care facilities, and the financial and emotional strains that often come along with aging parents. Do you have concrete plans for these common sandwich generation concerns?

5. Leisure time

It’s a tale as old as time – one empty nester spouse wants to take over the world of pickleball/golf/ballroom dancing/speed-walking and the other wants to sit at home in a comfy chair and paint miniatures/sew quilts/do crossword puzzles/stream classic movies all day. How are you both going to spend your newfound leisure time now that you’re not at soccer tournaments all weekend or chairing the theater students’ fundraising committee all year long?

Will you feel socially isolated when you don’t have fellow team or club parents to hang out with? Do you and your spouse have anything enjoyable or meaningful to talk about or connect over that’s not kid-related? Start looking into joint hobbies, charity work and healthy activities that you can engage in together. 

The empty nest can be the beginning of a wonderful “new” life, but it can also be a rough transition to arriving at the realization that something (or things) important in your life need to change. 

It’s crucial to recognize and address the potential challenges proactively. Don’t wait to get to a state of desperation or misery. Seeking support from friends, family members, or mental health professionals can be so beneficial in navigating a newly empty nest and embracing a new chapter of life with resilience and optimism. 

More Great Reading:

21 Things You’ll Love About The Empty Nest

I am both a professional photographer and a mother so, as you can imagine, I take pictures of my two girls all. the. time. But in the tens of thousands of images I’ve taken, one stands out. Maybe you’ve even seen it.

Around ten years ago, my youngest, Alice, was five. It was pouring rain, and she was dancing and playing, sopping wet and loving every second of it. I snapped a picture as she extended her arms outward, screaming with joy at the top of her lungs. As soon as the shutter clicked, I knew it would be a powerful shot.

My photo of my daughter went viral on social media

It was a simple moment—just a girl playing in a downpour—but there was something about it. I loved the space she was taking up, and the power her tiny body exuded. I posted the picture on my Facebook page — of course! — and went on with my life.

A few weeks later, my girl went viral. Someone had meme’d the photo of Alice, adding the words “Remember her? She’s still there…inside you…waiting. Let’s go get her.” I checked the activity on the account that posted it and the image had already been shared over forty thousand times in just one week.

At first, I felt some motherly fear: is this okay? Is it safe? There was also a tinge of indignation that someone stole my work and didn’t give proper credit. Not cool, but also not something I could change. With tens of thousands of views, the image was out in the world in a way that I hadn’t imagined or sanctioned. It was a weird feeling, but I have come to terms with it.

The image is still circulating

A decade later, even as my little five-year-old is now in high school, the image is still circulating; it’s taken on a life of its own. It’s been viewed by millions, and the meme is always evolving. The exact words change, but the celebration of joy and inner fortitude, and a call for them to reemerge, remain the same.

Where has our fierce spirit gone? Remember that girl who used to scream in the rain? The one who didn’t care what others thought? Who was loud and in your face? Who took up space and stood her ground? She is still inside of you. Go get her.

The spontaneous image of my daughter moved people

It’s clear this spontaneous photo of my daughter made people feel something deeply. I think it reminded them of who they once were—an untamed, more fearless version of themselves—and it made them recognize her, still there inside of them. As a mother, feminist, and woman who at times needs to remind herself to speak up or stop obsessing about wrinkles or weight, I loved the picture then and love it now, even as it has taken up a wider meaning for others far beyond my family.

I have a giant print of the image hanging in my kitchen, cheering me on as I go about my day. Every time I see it, fierce little Alice makes me smile. She was, and remains, a force of nature. But the picture also makes me think. Why do our bold, confident selves so often wither inside of us as we get older? Do we harm girls when we expect them to be cute and agreeable?

Girls are taught to be less loud, less big, less messy

At age five, many children have the urge to dance in the rain and scream and laugh. But then girls are taught—in subtle and insidious ways—that we need to be less: less loud, less big, less messy. We are asked to hide away our natural enthusiasm in order to present something more “ladylike.” What this picture reminds me is that anyone who has ever said women should be seen and not heard, whether it be at age 5, 55, or 95, could not be more wrong.

We spend so much time making ourselves smaller and quieter for others; I am forever thankful that this image reminds us to stand our ground, take our space, and let the world hear our voices.

More Great Reading:

‘Barbie’-Inspired Advice to My College-Bound Daughter

As your student gears up for dorm life, one of the best — and most fun — purchases is a mini fridge. When you’re on the hunt for a great option for their space, you’ll want something that can store snacks, beverages, and leftovers to make dorm living that much more convenient. And trust us, there are a lot of options out there — that’s why we’ve compiled a list of the best mini fridges for dorms! 

To help narrow down our picks for the best mini fridges for dorms, I researched a ton of popular products and brands, scoured trusted websites, and read hundreds of reviews.

Ahead, check out the best mini fridges for dorms based on design, capacity, and overall value.

^{We are a reader-supported site and receive compensation from purchases made through some of the links in this post.}

Our Top Picks 

1. Best Overall: Frigidaire Retro 2-Door Mini Refrigerator – $163 at Amazon
2. Also Great: COSTWAY Compact Refrigerator – $217.79 at Amazon
3. Best Colors: RCA Single Door Mini Fridge with Freezer – $142.86 at Amazon
4. Best Without Freezer: Danby Designer Mini Fridge – $299.99 at Amazon
5. Best Budget: Galanz Compact Dorm Refrigerator – $88 at Walmart

Reviews of The Best Mini Fridges for Dorms

1. Best Overall: Frigidaire Retro 2-Door Mini Refrigerator

When it comes to maximizing space without sacrificing functionality, this model by Frigidaire takes first place. The double-door design is great for storage, combining a .96 cubic foot freezer with 2.4 cubic feet of fridge space. On the inside, the fridge has a large vegetable crisper, door shelving with enough clearance to store tall bottles, and two glass shelves that are easy to clean (as opposed to wire shelves that allow items to fall through). 

The incandescent lighting on the interior also gives off enough light to see what’s inside without blinding their roomie while grabbing a midnight study snack.

It also boasts a cool, retro-inspired design without standing out too much, which means it’s a breeze to match with the rest of your dorm decor. 

The Specs:

• Dimensions: ‎21.26″D x 17.83″W x 33.5″H
• Capacity: 3.1 cubic feet
• Finish:  Stainless steel
• Weight: 32 pounds

The Pros:

• Spacious top freezer
• Electronic temperature control
• Large vegetable crisper

The Cons:

• Stainless steel finish may require cleaning 

What Others are Saying:

The Frigidaire Two-Door Fridge and Freezer was named the best mini fridge with a freezer by Teen Vogue. Additionally, it has a 4.2-star rating on Amazon from more than 3,400 views.

Buy the Frigidaire Retro 2-Door Mini Refrigerator 

2. Also Great: COSTWAY Compact Refrigerator

This COSTWAY model does it all. Like our first choice, it’s a compact but sturdy model with separate refrigerator and freezer sections that allow the user to customize the temperatures with rapid-cooling technology. (If you’re looking for more space-saving items for a dorm, check out some of our favorites here!)

The refrigerator section has a glass shelf that can be removed for more room, a clear crisper drawer for fruits and vegetables, a large bottle rack on the door, and wide-angle LED lights to help see inside. Although the design isn’t as flashy as our first choice, it’s a great pick if you want something a bit more subdued for the space. 

The Specs:

• Dimensions: ‎19″D x 19.5″W x 34″H
• Capacity: 3.2 cubic feet
• Finish: Stainless steel
• Weight: 52 pounds

The Pros:

• Versatile
• Adjustable shelves
• Shelves are easy to wipe clean
• Spacious

The Cons:

• Reviewers note that it can be a  bit loud
• Heavy 

What Others are Saying:

The COSTWAY Compact Refrigerator was named the best overall mini fridge for dorms by Teen Vogue. Additionally, it has a 4.5-star rating on Amazon from more than 900 reviews.

Buy the Costway Compact Refrigerator

3. Best Color Options RCA Single Door Mini Fridge with Freezer 

Want to add a pop of color to a dorm room? The RCA Single Door Mini Fridge with Freezer has you covered with its range of vibrant hues, like glossy purple, blue, and green. It’s a piece of functional decor that is guaranteed to brighten up any space. 

With its adjustable thermostat, reversible door, and slide-out shelves, it offers both style and convenience in one compact package. It won’t take up a ton of floor space, with measurements fo 17 by 18 by 33 inches. Even though this one isn’t a double-door model, it does have a built-in freezer compartment that will still fit a pint of ice cream and some ice!

The Specs:

• Dimensions: ‎16.73″D x 17.83″W x 33.27″H 
• Capacity: 3.2 cubic feet 
• Finish: Stainless steel
• Weight: 42.7 pounds

The Pros:

• Lots of color options
• Smaller footprint
• Built-in freezer
• Spacious

The Cons:

What Others are Saying:

The RCA Single Door Mini Fridge with Freezer was named the best overall mini fridge by Good Housekeeping, and it has a 4.4-star rating on Amazon from more than 17,000 reviews.

Buy the RCA Single Door Mini Fridge with Freezer

4. Best Without Freezer: Danby Designer Mini Fridge

The Danby Designer Compact Mini Fridge makes our list of the best mini fridges because it balances budget, size, and efficiency. What it lacks in freezer space, it more than makes up for in storage space. At 4.4 cubic feet, it’s the largest on our list, with more than enough room to hold food and beverage essentials. 

The spacious interior has adjustable shelves and integrated door shelving to fit cans of soda, bottles, milk, and more. There are no bulky handles on the door to get in the way, and it even has handy reversible door hinges. If you need to maximize fridge space and you don’t need a freezer, this is the one for you.

The Specs:

• Dimensions: ‎20.16″D x 20.16″W x 33.16″H
• Capacity: 4.4 cubic feet
• Finish: Stainless steel
• Weight: 53.9 pounds 

The Pros:

• Large capacity
• Quiet
• Scratch-resistant top
• Reversible door hinges

The Cons:

• Cannot store frozen items
• Heavy

What Others are Saying:

The Danby Designer Mini Fridge was named the quietest mini fridge for dorms by Teen Vogue and it also has a 4.4-star rating from more than 1,300 Amazon reviewers.  

Buy the Danby Designer Mini Fridge:

5. Best Budget: Galanz Compact Dorm Refrigerator

Looking for a mini fridge that won’t break the bank? The Galanz Compact Dorm Refrigerator is the perfect budget-friendly option. Despite its affordable price tag, it doesn’t skimp on features: The adjustable thermostat allows the user to control the internet temperature, while the reversible door, removable wire shelf, and lower storage area are all awesome added perks. 

With a capacity of 1.7 cubic feet and a half-width freezer compartment, this mini fridge is compact enough to fit in tight spaces while still having  enough space for essentials.

The Specs:

• Dimensions: ‎19.09″D x 17.48″W x 19.49″H
• Capacity: 1.7 cubic feet
• Finish: Black
• Weight: 29.9 pounds

The Pros:

• Adjustable storage options
• Quiet operation
• Reversible door
• Fits under desks

The Cons:

What Others are Saying:

The Galanz Compact Dorm Refrigerator has a 4.5-star rating on Amazon from more than 470 buyers. 

Buy the Galanz Compact Dorm Refrigerator

Other Mini Fridges for Dorms to Consider

Frigidaire Mini Portable Fridge

The best part about this mini portable fridge is its cool retro design that matches other products in the line. If you want something portable to take along on road trips or to a tailgate, it’s great because it can be preset to cool for beverages or warm for food, plus it only weighs three pounds. But it’s so small that it’s best for only a few beverages, so it might not be worth it for a dorm. The Frigidaire Mini Portable Fridge is available at Amazon for $27.88.

Cooluli Vibe Mini Fridge

For those looking for a cute and portable option, this Cooluli mini fridge is your best bet. It has a sleek design with a magnetic blackboard surface on the front for writing notes and keeping memos handy. Its dual function gives it the ability to go from cooling to warming with one quick switch. Because of its small capacity (15 liters), it can fit into the tiniest of places, but it’s so small that they may not be able to fit a ton in there. The Cooluli Vibe Mini Fridge is available at Amazon for $99.99.

Magic Chef Mini Refrigerator

The Magic Chef model is a popular choice because it has many of the features that we love in our top picks, like a separate freezer, great interior storage, and lots of built-in space. But there’s one big dealbreaker: Multiple reviews mentioned it can get stuck on its coldest setting and freeze everything inside. The Magic Chef Mini Refrigerator is available at Home Depot for $249.

Why You Can Trust Us

Hi! I’m Belle, an award-winning digital content creator with a healthy passion for all things lifestyle, including shopping, food, fashion, and French culture. I also own an award-winning content creation agency, plus I teach communications at three colleges and universities. My writing and on-camera work can be seen on Better Homes & Gardens. 

For this roundup, I researched trusted websites and read hundreds of reviews to narrow down the best mini fridges for dorm rooms, considering the design style, capacity, and overall value. When choosing a good fridge for a dorm, you want to make sure you’re investing in a model that’ll last the entire school year, so durability and features are other important factors I kept in mind.

Everything to Know Before Buying a Mini Fridge for Dorms

What to Consider Before Buying a Mini Fridge for Dorms

Here’s what to keep in mind before buying a mini fridge for a dorm:

Size and Capacity: Dorm rooms are typically small, so space is a huge consideration. If you can, find out the dimensions of the room before purchasing a mini fridge to ensure it fits comfortably. Consider the fridge’s capacity as well—do they need enough space for just a few drinks and snacks, or do they plan to store larger items like gallon jugs or leftovers? If your student will have a roommate, consider their needs as well. As an added bonus, make sure it’s not too heavy, either — there’s nothing worse than lugging weighty items to dorm rooms that are on high floors.

Storage Features: Consider the layout and storage options of the mini fridge, including shelves, door compartments, and freezer compartments. Adjustable shelves and removable bins can help maximize storage space and accommodate items of varying sizes. If they need to store frozen foods or ice, look for a mini fridge with a freezer.

Style and Design: While functionality is essential, don’t forget about aesthetics. Choose a mini fridge with a design and color that complements the dorm room decor and reflects your student’s style. Whether you prefer a sleek stainless steel finish or a retro-inspired look, there are plenty of options to suit your taste.

Budget: Mini fridges come in a range of price points, so consider your budget before making a purchase. Keep in mind that higher-priced models may offer additional features or higher energy efficiency, but there are also plenty of affordable options that provide reliable performance. If you’re not planning on keeping your mini fridge longer than a couple of semesters, you may want to keep the price point on the lower side, too.

What is the Best Sized Mini Fridge for Dorm?

Selecting the perfect-sized mini fridge for a dorm dependd on various elements, such as the room’s available space storage demands, and any particular features. Typically, mini fridges that range from 1.7 to 3.2 cubic feet in capacity are good options.

Where Should You Put a Mini Fridge in a Dorm Room?

Ultimately, the best location for a mini fridge depends on your student’s preferences, room layout, and lifestyle. You can experiment with different placements to find the option that works best for them in terms of accessibility, functionality, and space utilization. 

For example, placing the mini fridge near the entryway of a dorm room can make it convenient for grabbing snacks on the way in or out. Just be mindful of foot traffic and ensure the fridge doesn’t obstruct the doorway, their roomie’s side, or create a tripping hazard.

How Do You Defrost a Mini Fridge? 

It’s recommended to defrost a mini fridge regularly, especially if you notice a significant buildup of ice or frost. This can help prevent issues such as reduced cooling efficiency and odors. Luckily, defrosting a mini fridge is pretty easy to do.

Simply unplug the unit and remove everything from inside it, including any drawers or shelves. To speed up the process, place bowls of hot water inside the fridge and close the door. Make sure you have two towels ready to go: One to put underneath to catch any water runoff, and the second to remove ice buildup or wipe away any excess water that may pool inside. 

After the mini fridge has warmed to room temperature, clean the interior, leaving the door open for a few hours to dry out completely.

Do You Need a Mini Fridge in a Dorm Room?

While having a mini fridge in a dorm room is definitely not a necessity, it is a convenient addition. It can store perishable foods, leftovers, and snacks, plus it keeps drinks cold. If they accidentally miss meal times in the dining hall, they can also grab a snack between classes to keep them nourished. 

One potential downside of a mini fridge is its limited storage capacity. Due to its compact size, a mini fridge may not be able to accommodate large quantities of food or beverages, especially for individuals who prefer to buy groceries in bulk or cook meals frequently. It’s also taking up precious space in a dorm. That being said, most dorm students are not doing that, and it may be a worthwhile investment in the end. 

Prices were accurate at time of publication. 

The edge of 17 is here. And the weight of it is heavier than I thought it would be.

I remember it well from the archives of my own heart. Too old for so much. But too young for the thought of just one more year of childhood.

I see my son living on that edge of 17. Just a few more days of the sweetness of 16-where things still feel a little innocent and new. The novelty of driving. The freedom of later nights out. The pride of earning a first paycheck. The thrill of spending it. 

17 feels like a real turning point

The edge of 17 feels like the real turning point of youth. Where the pressures of the future begin to weigh down. The endless questions about life plans after high school. The standardized tests lurk around the corner. Prom waiting in the wings. One more summer before the wind blows him in a new direction. The beginning of the end of a journey that in so many ways feels like it just began. 

I see my kid-on the edge of 17; equal parts teen and almost man. I watch him, from a close distance- but a distance all the same. Glimpses of a future I know is coming so quickly and that I will not be a part of every day anymore. 

I find myself fading into the background

I find myself fading into the background as I peer over this edge of 17. Taking quick glances through the crack of his door as he studies the pile of work stacked on his desk. Making himself a quick dinner after a hard track workout or a night at a long shift. Searching for his car keys under piles of laundry that he’s too busy to put away. 

All the while still grasping tightly to the last whispers of childhood. It’s a funny thing- this growing up business. 

I feel like I was just at the edge of 17 myself. Living for the time when the future was my own, and at the same time not quite ready for it. I remember feeling so ready for the “what’s next,” and at the same time so unprepared to navigate it on my own. Wanting to be so grown, but not necessarily wanting  to be a grown up. Looking through a telescope into the panorama of adulthood and wanting the small part that seemed so free. But not having the full lens for the whole picture. 

17 is learning to do all the things

The edge of 17 is still learning how to do all the  things, even when you feel like you have so much figured out already. How to make food. How to unclog toilets. How to manage a bank account. How to pay your rent. How to change a light bulb and a tire. How to remember to move laundry to the dryer without a reminder.  

All the stuff that slowly turns our youth into adulthood.

The edge of 17 is ready to leave the nest with wings that are almost at full flutter. It’s the last set of training wheels before the cycle into the uncharted paths of adulthood. It’s both heartbreaking and full of hope.

It’s hard to believe I am the mother of a 17 year old

I often sit in wonder and marvel at the fact that I am already a parent of a kid who is at the edge of 17. With a heart overflowing with all the emotion.  Pondering how I’m ever going to be able to fully comprehend how he’s outgrown all of the 16 years of previous versions himself. 

But here we are. On the edge of 17. sIn a few days the sun will set on 16, and rise to 17. 

And though it will seem in the moment like just another Tuesday, I know that  with it, will come the edge of adulthood. 

More Great Reading:

The Summer Of Letting Go Is Here, and I Feel It More Deeply Now

Penny wasn’t the first dog I loved and lost, so it shouldn’t have surprised me how deeply I grieved when she passed away just after Christmas this year. When our friends and family heard the sad news, they brought flowers and thoughtful gifts and sent lovely notes.

I heard from people I hadn’t heard from in years. There is something about this loss that everyone who has ever had a pet understands. We knew when we got Penny that our time with her would be relatively short, but at the time it felt like we had a lifetime ahead. We didn’t know how fast the time would go. I wasn’t prepared to face the sadness of losing her. What surprised me though, was discovering what else I was grieving for.

Our family instantly fell in love with our new puppy Penny

Penny joined our family as a 3-month-old puppy, a surprise Christmas present to our children, who at the time were 10, 8 and 5 years old. We all instantly fell in love with her. She was by far the cutest puppy any of us had ever seen.

She was also loud, messy and chaotic. She destroyed socks, underwear, mail, pencils and perfectly toasted buttered bagels left unattended on the counter. She jumped on our guests when they walked into the house and scratched our windows warding off the mail carrier. She barked at everything and nothing at all.

When the kids were home Penny was just part of the chaos

With young kids at home, our house was also loud, messy and chaotic. There were kids coming in and out of every door. There were dirty socks left on the floor and half eaten snacks left on low surfaces. She fed off of the chaos and created more of her own.

When the kids left for school in the morning, she circled their feet, barking, blocking them from the door, untying their shoelaces. She didn’t want any of us to leave the house without her. She waited all day for us to return home.

As the kids left home, I was left with just Penny more often

With two kids in college and one in high school, our house became increasingly less loud, messy and chaotic. Penny and I spent most days alone together, her laying at my feet while I worked, both of us waiting for my daughter to walk in the door after soccer practice.

Both of us wanted a little more time before she left to head back out the door. Both of us anxiously awaited the cars pulling into the driveway, signaling the arrival of the older two home for winter break.

Just after Christmas, with my kids all home together, we discovered that Penny had lung cancer. She was moving slower and sleeping more, but was for the most part, still herself. She still barked when the mail carrier passed and snuck food off the counter when no one was paying attention. She was ten years old but we all still thought of her as a puppy. We thought we had more time.

Two days later, we sat together on the kitchen floor surrounding her. She couldn’t walk and was having trouble breathing. Penny’s last hours were spent with all five of us around her. We were all focused entirely on her. It was what she always wanted – for all of us to be together. There were no friends, no homework, no games to rush to, no phones. Just us. How often were the five of us together like that?

In pictures I realized how much Penny’s life spanned my kids’ childhoods

Later that night we each pulled up our favorite pictures of her and added them to a shared album. Viewing the pictures of Penny through the years I watched my kids grow up with her before my eyes. Penny’s life spanned our kids’ childhood. I stared at pictures of Penny curled up in my daughter’s bed at night.

Pictures of her playing in the snow with my son and his friends. The birthday party my daughter threw her one year, complete with decorations and dog treats and guests. The pictures were memories of walks and movie nights snuggled together.

They were tutus on both my daughter and my dog, dancing around the house to Taylor Swift. Maybe my grief wasn’t just for Penny. Maybe I was grieving so much more.

All five of us sat with Penny crying uninhibited, ugly tears on that last night with her. My kids cried to lose the puppy who had become everything from dress up partner to confidant, their beloved friend.

I cried for the loss of those loud, chaotic child-rearing years

I cried for the ten years that she had shared with us. I cried for the loss of our sweet and mischievous dog, but also for the loud, messy, chaotic years that I was not yet ready to say goodbye to.

We are moving into a new stage without her, and it will take a while to get used to. I sometimes still wander down the pet food aisle out of habit, much like the way I occasionally stick a box of juice pouches in my shopping cart absentmindedly.

It will take time, but it will be okay. On our last night with Penny, I saw the maturity of my kids and the way we were all able to cry and laugh and reminisce while we grieved together. Penny will forever be a reminder of childhood and the loud, messy, chaotic years that she shared with us.

While it may have snuck up on me, I am ready for this next stage of my children’s lives and the joyful moments and new experiences we will share together.

More Great Reading:

Goodbye to the Family Dog

By Louise Kinross

Numerous studies show racial bias in health care. For example, Black children receive autism diagnoses much later than white peers, and Black children are less likely than white children to be given pain medicine when they visit an ER for a broken bone or appendicitis.

Nerissa Hutchinson has seen anti-Black bias play out in the care her daughter Fallon received since she was a young child. She says it’s the reason Fallon wasn’t diagnosed with autism until age 13, and with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis until she was 15.

Fallon recently completed Holland Bloorview’s Get Up and Go program, an inpatient program for youth with chronic pain. She just turned 18, and has struggled with joint pain all her life. Last year she rated her pain 10 out of 10, slept 18 to 20 hours a day, and had stopped going to school. 

When she was younger, the pain caused her to fall a lot, but doctors dismissed it as “growing pains,” Nerissa says. They ridiculed Fallon when she used a cane, saying she was faking it to get attention. Later, doctors berated Nerissa when she brought Fallon to the ER multiple times because she was so stiff she couldn’t move. “Weren’t you here a couple of days ago?” they asked. “Why are you still here?” 

“What I was coming up against in the health-care system was not being heard, not being valued, not being seen and acknowledged,” says Nerissa, who is a child and youth care practitioner doing her Master’s in counselling psychology at York University.

The same pattern played out when Nerissa raised concerns in preschool that Fallon was autistic. “We noticed certain behaviours, certain tics and stimming, but our family doctor said she didn’t see anything and it’s just the way she is.”

Once in school, Fallon’s behaviours were identified as defiance and “not listening” and the family was sent to a months-long program for non-autistic children with behaviour problems. “If she was a white girl, I think she would have been looked at differently,” Nerissa says. “No one talked to us to really understand how we explained her behaviours.”

Meanwhile, Fallon was bullied so terribly at school that Nerissa had to homeschool her from Grade 2 through 6.

When she was 11, a paramedic taking Fallon to the ER for pain told Nerissa “Your daughter is autistic.”

“It was the first time someone started validating it,” Nerissa says. She later sat in her family doctor’s office and said she wasn’t leaving until Fallon was diagnosed with autism. She was referred to another doctor in the same hospital and eventually assessed elsewhere. One clinician asked Fallon, then 13, to open her mouth, and showed her mother that she had raw, open sores on the insides of her mouth. She’d been biting down to try to prevent herself from stimming.

Unfortunately, receiving a diagnosis didn’t result in many new supports. “I was on my own calling around,” she says. “The programs were mostly tailored to families with young kids, but autism doesn’t age out.”

It was two years after Fallon’s autism diagnosis that she finally received a diagnosis of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (JRA). It was another two years before Nerissa learned about the Get Up and Go program at Holland Bloorview. 

The program involves two inpatient weeks and two daypatient weeks with a team that includes physical and occupational therapy, social work, psychiatry and the hospital’s onsite school.

“They taught her to live with her pain and she was acknowledged and supported and for the first time they believed her,” Nerissa says. Fallon benefited from the program’s structured days.

“The first day they had a schedule, and she wasn’t allowed to sleep in bed,” Nerissa says. “There was actual physiotherapy, actual swimming, seeing a social worker and a psychiatrist and she had school. That’s so important, because with JRA, if you don’t move, the pain gets worse, so it’s a vicious cycle. They got her on a routine and active, so by the end of the day she was tired, and she slept. She would tell me ‘Mom, I’m having the best sleeps.’ She was still in pain in the morning, but she had rested during sleep. Within a week, I see Fallon smiling, my daughter is happy, and she’s sleeping at night. The pain is still there, but how she views it has changed.”

When Fallon went to the day program for two weeks she was able to practise what she’d learned at home at night. “Now she’s finished the program she may get up in the morning and say ‘This is a bad flare up,’ but she still gets dressed and goes to school,” Nerissa says. “They taught her that if she has bad pain, she can still do some activity. Maybe she won’t do full physio, but maybe she’ll sit in her chair and move her leg. If she can’t swim, maybe she can just wade around.”

Nerissa says the Get Up and Go staff ensured the supports Fallon needed were at school when she returned. “For example, she’s supposed to use the elevator, but she often couldn’t find the person who had the key, so she had to take the stairs. I’d been advocating to the principal about it, but it wasn’t until Get Up and Go got involved that someone is there everyday for her with the key.”

Fallon is again talking about her future as a marine biologist, something which felt impossible just a few months ago. 

Nerissa says the Get Up and Go program has provided the best support for Fallon’s pain.

When it comes to autism, Nerissa did a lot of her own research and also became part of a Toronto support group for Black parents of children with disabilities (See our BLOOM story. The group is now known as Sawubona Africentric Circle of Support).

“I went to the first meeting online and everyone was Black and oh my God, they all had the same story about their kids being diagnosed at 13, 15 or 16, and how professionals interpreted their child’s behaviour as defiance. So I’m not alone. I got so involved with the organization. I found a home and I’m now a board member of Sawubona.” The group provides supports and resources to families of African descent in the GTA.

“With funding through Trillium grants we support families of children with disabilities through workshops, seminars, dads’ and moms’ support groups, speakers. We have a paint night where we provide the canvas, paint and materials for families to paint at home. We have a summer picnic and Christmas party and we work with TAIBU Community Health Centre, where Black families can get their children homework help.”

Nerissa has advice for Black families earlier on in the process with their child with a disability.

“There is support in the school, but you have to advocate for it,” she says. “You can get a psychological assessment for your child, but you have to keep at it to get it.

“Another thing I say is ‘Build your community.’ Reach out to organizations like ourselves and we can advocate on your behalf. We can support you. It’s important to have a community that helps you, because it’s a lot of work and you can’t carry it alone. I am now on the Special Education Advisory Committee (SEAC) for the Toronto District School Board and I can advocate on families’ behalf. I support a lot of families because I don’t want others to go through what I went through.”

When it comes to qualities Nerissa values in health professionals, “compassion goes a long way,” she says. “Check your biases and believe when a child or a parent is telling you something is wrong. Believe us.”

Nerissa says hiring Black clinicians is one way Holland Bloorview could better tailor its services to the needs of Black families.

“As a Black family, when you walk into an environment that is predominantly white, you go ‘Okay, which mask should I put on?’ I can’t be too loud, I can’t come off as too harsh. How will I behave? You’re gauging the professional’s behaviour and learning how to respond. If you raise your voice too much you’re seen as the angry Black person. When we see other Black health professionals we always nod or smile because it make you feel like ‘I’m going to be seen.’ When I walked into the Get Up and Go program I came in with ‘I’m going to be a Black mama bear.’ But when I left I was a little cub. I felt like I could be a little cub. I didn’t have to be so hard.”

Like this story? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

We live in a culture that pushes children and judges parents. Everyone wants the best for their children, but how do you combat your own expectations and the criticism—real or imagined—that comes with the parenting territory these days? I asked Alison Escalante, a pediatrician and fellow Psychology Today contributor how parents can navigate the difficult terrain of being the parent a child needs when all around you parents are striving for their kids to do more and be more.

Q: Can you explain the ShouldStorm parents live in today?

A: The ShouldStorm is a term I coined for our high-pressure culture of criticism and anxiety that pushes perfectionistic parenting. Culture refers to a set of beliefs and behaviors that a group of people take for granted. It influences our friends, family, and neighbors; our online groups; and a huge body of parenting blogs, articles, and books. The ShouldStorm has an opinion on every little thing parents do, but it often contradicts itself. It tells parents what they should or should not do, and threatens that kids will suffer if parents don’t follow those shoulds to the letter. Then parents internalize the shoulds; the ShouldStorm lives in our heads and makes parents feel anxiety and shame. Parents end up approaching their kids from a position of frantic worry about getting it right.

Q: In your book, Sigh, See, Start: How to Be the Parent Your Child Needs in a World that Won’t Stop Pushing, you suggest a solution. Is it achievable for most parents?

A: That’s exactly why I wrote this book. As a pediatrician and a young mom, I spent years looking for a simple parenting approach because that was something I needed, too. I often found that because I was busy and overwhelmed I could not remember the more complicated parenting advice I had learned. The three-step “Sigh, See, Start” method is clear and easy to remember, and it’s something parents can use even in the heat of the moment. Just like we remember to “stop, drop, and roll” if our clothes are on fire, we can sigh, see, and start when parenting gets heated.

Q: What happens when a parent “Sighs,” the first step toward freeing themself from the ShouldStorm?

A: Sighing is the quickest way I know to calm down our nervous systems. Because we breathe out slowly, sighing stimulates the vagus nerve in the autonomic nervous system, so we move out of fight or flight and into a calmer place. And that’s important, because the thinking parts of our brain actually turn off when we are upset and reacting, but sighing helps the nervous system turn our wiser decision-making brain back on.

Q: How do parents execute the “See” and “Start” steps in your approach?

A: See: Notice what’s going on. See your child. Are they happy? Are they close to tears? Are their fists balled in anger? See isn’t necessarily about physical vision. See is about observation: allowing ourselves to register what is happening without immediately trying to change it or apply a should. It’s a micro-moment of mindfulness that allows us to know our child rather than making it about what’s going on inside our heads.

Start: Then, and only then, start listening, and start thinking about what an appropriate reaction would be. Do they need a hug? Some space? Something else? One of my favorite ways to start is by doing nothing. I tend to be reactive, so learning to just give everyone a minute is very helpful. The key with start is that we begin to learn—so we are gathering information on what works or doesn’t work. It helps us notice when each child responds differently. It stops being about getting it right or being perfect, and parenting becomes a little more fun as we start to see it as trying things out. This way of seeing it all as learning shifts parents from anxiety to feeling confident about their growing skills.

Q: What do a parent and child miss when they succumb to the ShouldStorm and perfectionistic parenting?

It’s incredibly distracting to always be trying to get things right and worrying we failed as parents. By focusing on the shoulds, we let our culture take away our joy and interfere with what our kids need the most from us: genuine connection. “Sigh, See, Start” takes our focus off the shoulds and helps us be present with our kids, with openness and attention that helps them feel connected to us. It’s that sense of safety with us, of having a parent who is trying to know them; that is where the real power of parenting lies. Our goal as parents is to influence our kids toward a happy, healthy life, and it’s their sense of connection with us that makes that possible.

Copyright @2024 by Susan Newman, Ph.D.

Once we parked the car we walked through the market on Ledra Street, checking out the souvenir shops along the way…

…Saw the Monument of Human Rights right at the border…

…Got to the border, showed our passports, crossed the UN buffer zone, showed our passports again, and went through to North Cyprus. My son was disappointed that they didn’t stamp the password there. The official said that they used to have a stamp there but don’t anymore. Oh well, Ike will have to do without another stamp on his passport. 

It now has been turned into a charming place with a bunch of restaurants, galleries, and souvenir shops. 

The reason almost all our phones had died was that we didn’t realize that Cyprus used British plugs and we brought along EU plugs assuming that that is what was used there, and the Airbnb we were staying in had only placed to charge two phones and one computer and we had five phones and two computers.

Because North Cypress is a poorer place we knew we’d be able to get more for our money there so we decided to buy chargers there, as well as souvenirs which were quite cheap there as well. 

We also bought groceries which again were cheaper than South Cypress. By this time it was already getting late and our feet were tired so we walked back to the border and to the car and drove home.

I was disappointed that with all the free museums I knew about in Nicosia, we didn’t get to see any of them because of the lack of time. But I will be including them in my post on free and cheap things to do in Cyprus. 

Day 2

It usually costs 2 euros for people over the ages of 16 and 1 Euro for children, but I decided to ask if we could get a discount because of our disability cards (even though they were from our home country) and they decided to let the 5 of us in for 3 Euros. There was a video about the area and its nature including the flora, fauna, and geology.  

There were a few exhibit rooms which included three giant fish tanks with fish found in the nearby sea, as well as fossilized skeletons of various animals such as those of the Cyrus dwarf hippo, in addition to skeletons, taxidermied animals, and more. 

It was cute but was just a short stop before we did the real thing of the day- a beautiful hike. The center had maps of the area and suggested the best options for us.

It was a beautiful walk…

…Not particularly challenging, relatively shady, and overlooking the sea most of the time. 

It was beautiful. The only problem with it was we stopped so many times to take pictures along the way that we ended up running later than I would have liked and I didn’t want to stay at the beach for too long. 

We hung out at the beach for a little bit…

…Which was even closer to the water. 

Absolutely stunning!

Once we reached the end of that, instead of going straight back to the car, we took the fork that would lead us to the tip of the island where we could see an old church and had a great surprise.

We went down some stairs to get closer to the water…

And discovered that there was a sea cave right there…

Inhabited by a fluffy street cat… 

…Where we hung out for a little bit, enjoying the beauty and the sound of the surf, before heading back.

We saw the beautiful Natural Bridge of Koraka, the largest natural rock bridge in Cyprus…

…Before finally getting back to our car in the nature center parking lot.

The next day was the day my kids were most excited about — our trip to Mt. Olympus, in the Troodos mountain range. No, this isn’t the famous Mt Olympus from Greek mythology, but Cyprus’s own version of it. The Troodos mountains are cold enough to get snow in the winter, and since we don’t usually have snow where we live my children were looking forward to a day in the snow. The Troodos Mountains are in the center of Cyprus, not particularly close to either Paralimni or Paphos, where we’d be staying on the second leg of our trip, but it worked out best for us, timing wise, to travel there from Paralimni, instead of when we were staying in Paphos.

The drive there was long but extremely beautiful. We stopped along the way to just enjoy the greenery and romp around in the grass. It was such beautiful and warm weather that it was hard to imagine that we’d be able to see actual snow, and I was reminding my children that even if there wasn’t snow, they shouldn’t be disappointed and there are other beautiful sites in the Troodos Mountains. 

We continued on higher and saw more and more snow and debated about where to stop for the kids to play in the snow; I decided to continue on to where the one ski club in Cyprus is located, and it was a good choice. There wasn’t enough snow for skiing, but there were many people on the slope sledding. Entering the area was free, but the ski lift cost money.

At first my children were exploring the snowy areas at the bottom, but it was filled with people and much of the snow was packed, so I decided to splurge on tickets to the top of the mountain where it would be quieter and hopefully would have some virgin snow for my kids to enjoy. This was literally the “most expensive” part of our trip, and well worth it. We paid 7 Euros each, other than Rose who at 10 was able to go for free, to take the ski lift up and down the mountain. 

The top also had patches without snow, since there was lots of sun up there, 

But there were also many trees and in their shade was abundant snow that my kids enjoyed for a long time, making snow angels…

…Building snowmen…

 …And just in general having fun, until the person manning the ski lift at the top told us that we had to go down already. 

Once we were done eating and warmed up a bit, we then looked into doing the other things I had on my list for the area, but it was too late in the day to go on the hike to the Caledonia waterfalls as I’d planned, so we started heading back towards Paralimni…

…Stopping at lookout points to take gorgeous pictures…

And then stopping at one of the little mountain towns we were passing by that I’d put on my itinerary as a potential place to go, Kakopetria.

To my pleasant surprise, while we couldn’t go to the waterfall we’d intended, Kakopetria had its own little waterfall, in a small place called Elena’s Park.

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