Category: Family & Parenting

Valentine Shortage? Make These School Valentine’s Day Cards for Free Right Now

By Louise Kinross

A Day With No Words is a stunning book out in May about a boy who loves to hug trees, eat fries, and dance barefoot in the grass. It’s written by Tiffany Hammond, an autistic writer who is homeschooling her two autistic sons in Texas. The story is a “love letter to Aidan,” her 15-year-old son, she writes, and follows a day in the life of a mom and son who communicate with iPads. Their bond is palpable. Tiffany is the creator of Fidgets and Fries, where her writing on family life and autism reaches over 27,000 followers. The exquisite book illustrations are by Kate Cosgrove.

BLOOM: Why was there a need for A Day With No Words?

Tiffany Hammond: Because I didn’t see anything like it out there. There weren’t many children’s books that had Black, Indigenous, People of Colour (BIPOC) characters in the first place, and the ones that talked about disability were very stiff. They were mechanical, like: ‘This is Sally. Sally has a disability. Sally doesn’t walk and uses a wheelchair.’ While we liked those booked because they introduced our children to that world, to people with different disabilities, they didn’t have disabilities like my boys.

BLOOM: Can you tell us a bit about your son Aidan?

Tiffany Hammond: He’s 15 and non-speaking. He doesn’t say any words and he communicates right now with an iPad with Proloquo2Go. We just got the new version. We’re also trying to teach him spelling with Spelling to Communicate, to open his world up a bit more.

He’s generally a pretty happy person. He loves his fries, music, especially Rihanna, trees and car rides. 

BLOOM: I read on your website about how you can read Aidan in many ways.

Tiffany Hammond: Yes, through his body language: How his eyes look and how his shoulders sit and how he touches you and even different types of grunts he makes, we know okay, this is what he’s trying to tell us. The way he moves and the sounds he makes and the pitch of those things. What’s complicated is that we can read him decently and well, but everyone outside of us can’t. So we need to help him find his best way to communicate with his world.

BLOOM: There’s a moving passage in the book where the boy talks about being surrounded by voices, but he’s shut out. What have you learned about the value our culture places on speech.

Tiffany Hammond: I learned that it’s pretty much everything. Even though we spend the bulk of our day on social media, not talking but communicating back and forth, or we send an e-mail, or we can look at each other with a look, and know what the other person means, we still value speech so much. We find it more convenient. It’s quick information.

When we go to the store the staff is impatient waiting for my son to use his tablet to ask for candy. Even at drive-throughs, where they say if you have a hard time reading the menu pull forward and we’ll give you a special way to communicate, even when you do that, they act like you have three heads. Nobody is willing to wait. 

BLOOM: The demand for speed is intense.

Tiffany Hammond: It’s sad. It doesn’t take much for this world to be more accommodating. People choose not to. It’s an active decision. They’re deliberately choosing to not be accommodating.

BLOOM: In the book, the mother and son take iPads with them and use a voice app to communicate when they’re at the park or ordering food at a restaurant. Why do you use the tablet when you can speak?

Tiffany Hammond: It started with my youngest son Josiah. He also has autism and one day he said: ‘Why don’t we talk like Aidan talks?’ Then we learned having multiple people use devices was called modelling. So we were showing Aidan how to use his tablet by using ours. My husband does the same.

You sit there and you think, how would it feel to talk with someone and when you’re done they take your mouth and use it to talk back?

We used to use the tablets just at home, but when we started to go outside with them it was a whole new world. It was challenging to learn how impatient people can be.

We’re in a small town and you go to the same stores. One day you see someone and they know you were talking yesterday and now you’re not. Some people are kind and others are not. There’s never a time we go out when someone doesn’t say something about my son, and a lot of times you want to say something back but most of the times I don’t.

When I feel I need to say something, I can’t use my words, and you’re so mad and frustrated and want to explode from the inside out. There’s only so much you can say with pictures. That’s when you go ‘Wow, this is what Aidan goes through every day. To not be able to say what you need to say.’

I can’t completely put myself into his body, but I try to get as close to it as I can and I use that to inform the advocacy that I do. 

BLOOM: It seems odd that if you’re in a small town and everyone is used to seeing your family they wouldn’t get with the program and understand. In your book, the boy is ostracized by a mother and kids at the park. Where does Aidan feel safe and heard?

Tiffany Hammond: With us. Home is always the safe space. It’s sad that it’s the only place. There is no place we go where people don’t make comments. When Aidan was in school, he was the only one like him, whether we were in a town of 5,000 or 140,000. He was with other kids with disabilities, but they all spoke. Even in that classroom, he was different. You hear a lot and you see a lot and I know if I’m hearing this stuff he’s hearing it.

Five years ago we began homeschooling. I pulled out his brother as well. It’s a lot of work, but it’s better and depending on where you live, there’s sometimes a good homeschool co-op that tends to be understanding. There are a lot of families like ours who choose to homeschool.

Aidan is an amazing person but a lot of people don’t take the time to know him or understand him.

BLOOM: The bond between mother and son is so palpable in your book. How have you changed as a person through raising Aidan

Tiffany Hammond: I like to think I’ve grown a lot in patience and recognizing the things that really matter. I’m learning to prioritize different things. I’m being more patient and being more mindful and living more of my life like Aidan does. He’s very free. He’s carefree. He doesn’t mask. He’s very open. I’m trying to help him see the beauty of who he is and in doing that recognizing how awesome I am as a person and a  parent, and how hard that I do try. I try to be a better person. I think both of my kids help me to be a better advocate and storyteller and I’m inspired by them a lot.

BLOOM: How does being autistic influence your parenting?

Tiffany Hammond: Having the same diagnosis helps me to have a different perspective of a situation. I don’t jump to ‘Wow, that is a behaviour issue we need to fix.’ Instead I’m thinking ‘There’s something else going on here, that underlies this. What else could it be? Could this be sensory, or is there a medical angle?’ Nothing is ever straightforward. I think that helps a lot.

In other ways it’s very difficult for all of us to exist in the same house because sometimes we trigger each other. We need to co-exist without launching each other into a meltdown. It’s trying to find that balance.

There aren’t many families like ours around me. Most of my connections are online. I have connections with other parents who don’t have autism, and with other autistic people that don’t have kids. I try to learn from every person. This community is very divisive. You have the autistic adults and you have the parents, and it feels like a war. I don’t want to be in any of that. I want to help people and I learn from and value everyone.

BLOOM: What was most challenging about writing the book?

Tiffany Hammond: That it had to be 600 words or less. I thought how am I going to put all I want to talk about in 600 words?

BLOOM: Why 600 words?

Tiffany Hammond: It’s a children’s book thing. Publishers don’t want you to make it too long. The best thing about having an editor was being told to overwrite it, and then we chopped it down. You don’t want kids to lose interest and you want them to pay attention from the start to the finish.

BLOOM: What does Aidan think of the book?

Tiffany Hammond: I only just got a hard copy, so we haven’t read it to him yet. I’m waiting for the perfect time. I want to add buttons that look like some of the images to his Proloquo. So he can interact with it.

I’ve shown him the cover and he stares and smiles at it a lot and touches it. He knows it’s him. 

BLOOM: What do you hope children take from the book?

Tiffany Hammond: My target is child readers and the people who read to them. A lot of the time that’s parents, teachers, therapists and librarians.

The park scene in the book was super important because it involved parents and I wanted to highlight that. My son was the only one like him at school, so this book might be a child’s introduction to the world of disability. They may not have seen it yet. I wanted it to be something that would be memorable to them and give them something they can do.

When Aidan started school the other kids were curious and they played with him, even if he didn’t completely play back. But by Grade 2 they changed. After the summer it was ‘He’s so weird,’ and ‘I don’t want to sit with him’ and ‘He’s scaring me.’ I’d like to catch kids with this book before they start treating other kids the way they treated Aidan. Hopefully the book will help kids to understand it’s okay to be different.

Learn more at A Day With No Words. You can pre-order or gift a book to a school or library. Like this interview? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter. You’ll get family stories and expert advice on parenting children with disabilities; interviews with activists, clinicians and researchers; and disability news. 

“Honey,” I said to my husband, “did you know that a woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have.” 

He looked up from his coffee. “Yes,” he said, nodding. 

“I think my last egg just dropped,” I told him. “I’m sure it was an old and stale egg, so it’s a good thing it didn’t get fertilized.” I laughed and walked over to the window. We were spending the holidays at a cabin in the mountains. Outside, I could see white trees, mountains, and cars, like a wedding, a marshmallow world, or a white shroud over a body. 

My husband put his around me. “I don’t think that’s how menopause works,” he said. “I know,” I told him, “I’m just being funny.” 

The month passed, and I missed my period

I was about to turn 53. I’d had a period every month since I was twelve years old, not including the three times I was pregnant. Then, in December, it happened. The month passed, and I missed my period — it was like barely there. I knew it had to happen sometime.

My doctor told me that, at 52, I would start missing periods soon. I knew it was normal and natural and nothing to fear. And I felt sad that the last egg I was ever going to have was gone.

It’s not like I needed that old egg. It could not have been fertilized anyway since my husband had a vasectomy a decade ago. I would’ve had a heart attack if somehow something had gone wrong, and I’d gotten pregnant. I was devoted to my career; my youngest was seventeen and a senior in high school. Every year the light at the end of the tunnel got a little bit brighter.

As a child, I asked my mother why the Change of Life was sad

I loved watching Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid. I remembered the episode where Caroline Ingalls went to see Doc Baker because she missed her period. Laura had married Almanzo and was pregnant, and Caroline thought they could have babies together until Doc Baker entered the room. He was wearing the same face he used in the episode where he told their widow friend she was dying of cancer.

Doc tells Caroline that she isn’t pregnant; it’s her Change of Life. Caroline bursts into tears and tells Charles she is useless now. She’s nothing but a worn-out shoe. When I asked my mother why Caroline was so sad and what a Change of Life was and what it had to do with crying and being worn out, my mother said, “I have no idea. The Change of Life is menopause, when a woman stops getting her period. I think it’s great.” 

My mother is gone now, so I can’t ask her about menopause

That’s all my mother ever told me about menopause. She had no idea why Caroline was crying; she didn’t know why Caroline felt worn out; she thought menopause was great. My mother is gone now, so I can’t ask her for more thoughts on that episode. I can’t ask her if she cared when her last egg went down the drain, whether she had hot flashes, mood swings, or meno-fog. I can’t ask her if she was happy to be done with periods, if she had mixed feelings, or how she felt about herself when her period was a thing of the past. We never talked about it. 

“Are you okay?” my husband asked me. “I’m fine,” I told him, and I was. It was no big deal that I missed a period for the first time. I did not feel like a worn-out shoe. I had my last baby seventeen years ago. I still awoke from nightmares in which I discovered myself to be eight months pregnant. I did not want more children. I did not need more periods. And yet… 

I wanted to find that episode of Little House on YouTube, but the reception in the cabin was spotty. I wanted to call my mother to talk about it, but she was gone. I remembered Caroline running out of Doc Baker’s exam room, hand pressed to her chest, sobbing. I was not pressing my hand to my chest. I was not sobbing. I was not running anywhere. I didn’t have ski boots on, and the snow was falling outside. 

The absence of my period created a storm of loss inside me

Inside, something was falling, too. Swirling, spraying little torpedoes that I didn’t understand and wasn’t prepared for. I did not define myself by my menstrual cycle. In my early fifties, I had lots of friends well into menopause who were enjoying their lives. My young adults were thriving; my marriage was strong, and my health was excellent. I’d hit the bunny slopes on this trip and had a blast. 

I wasn’t sure why those wonky last eggs created a storm of loss inside me. There was nothing lost that I wanted or yearned for. And yet I wished my mother had talked to me about menopause. As I stood there wishing she had left me something to hold onto, some matriarchal wisdom or advice about how to feel when the Change of Life came, I again remembered that Little House episode and asked her why Caroline took it so hard. I remember her saying, “I have no idea. I think menopause is great.” That was the message my mother left me with. 

As I stood at the window looking out at the snow, my husband asked me again, “Are you sure you’re okay?” I was lost in thought, but I nodded. “That was my last egg,” I told him. Just then, our 19-year-old son walked into the kitchen. “What?” he asked, “You’re not eating eggs anymore?”  

I had to laugh. I wasn’t about to explain to my son that I wasn’t not eating eggs; I wasn’t dropping eggs. I wasn’t about to launch into how I was born with all the eggs I’d ever have and how three of them got fertilized and grew into fetuses and became babies and then toddlers and then two skiers and a snowboarder. I wasn’t going to explain why, years later, I was sitting in a cabin in the mountains thinking about Caroline Ingalls.

I wanted to stare out the window, drink my coffee, and mourn my eggless self, even if I did not know what I was mourning.

More Great Reading:

Turning Fifty, My Son’s Graduation, and Menopause: My Trifecta of Hell

When a Grumpy Teen Meets a Middle Age Mom

Robin Finn, MPH, MA, is passionate about the importance of sharing women’s stories. She is an award-winning writer, teacher, and coach, and the founder and creator of Heart. Soul. Pen.,® a Los Angeles-based course blending writing and radical self-expression for women, and Hot Writing™ where midlife and menopause inspire the desire to say what you mean without shame. Robin’s work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, BuzzFeed, Mamalode, Brain Child, The Huffington Post, ADDitude Magazine, anthologized, and internationally syndicated. She is on the faculty of UCLA Extension Writer’s Program and the Scarsdale Adult School and has master’s degree in Public Health from Columbia University and in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica.

Sometimes I look at my older teens (17 and 19), and I’m not quite sure how we made it. When they were 13 and 15 things weren’t good. I navigated through unknown waters without a clue of what to do. I often felt like I was at the end of my rope; like nothing I was doing was working. Consequences, punishment, long talks, and my tears weren’t getting through to them.

My oldest was fighting at school. His grades were slipping fast. He always seemed angry and like he wanted to see how far he could push me. After he was suspended from school (again), I took his phone away and he punched a hole in the wall. I made him pay for the repairs and that made him even angrier.

Dealing with my teen’s behavioral issues was draining and devastating

I was drained. I cried a lot. I talked to him about his behavior until my throat was sore. I signed him up for therapy. I watched him like a hawk. I gave up a lot of things that made me happy because there was a part of me that felt guilty for enjoying parts of my life when my son was so lost and being so destructive. 

I lost sleep. I tried harder. I spent as much time with him as I could. I was frustrated. I was embarrassed. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what was really going on because I didn’t want them to think I had a “bad” kid.

It was one of the most lonely times I’ve been through, and I know it was a lonely time for my son, too. 

My daughter struggled and started cutting

My second child went through something a bit different, but it was just as horrible. Her anxiety and depression spiked. She began cutting herself as a way to cope. We tried therapy, and she hated it. I was afraid to leave her alone, and I constantly went through her room, backpack, and bathroom to ensure all sharp objects were removed. She struggled with friends and became isolated. I encouraged her. I spent extra time with her. The sleepless nights and tears continued. 

Now we’ve come to the other side, and both my kids are thriving and doing well. I have a friend going through all this now in her teens, and she doesn’t know what to do. While I am not an expert, I am a mom who has gone through this. I can tell you two things worked and kept me semi-okay through these excruciating times.

Two things that kept me sane while my teens’ struggled

1. Love your teenager hard

I know it doesn’t feel easy to do at times, but this is what they need from you the most. My teenagers needed guidance, but I didn’t need to jump in and figure it out for them. It didn’t matter what I thought the solution was; they had to figure things out independently. And through their self-discovery, they needed to know I loved them unconditionally and that I wasn’t going to give up on them.

I stopped giving them the silent treatment when I was upset (a horrible habit I learned from childhood). Instead, I told them when I needed time to think about things. Yes, some consequences fit the actions, but punishment beyond that didn’t seem to help. Instead, it made things worse.

I checked on them a lot, even when they got annoyed at me or told me to stop. I reminded them every single day how capable, loved and lovable they were. I also realized I couldn’t handle this alone, so therapy, getting in touch with the school counselor, and asking an adult I trusted to talk with them, were all worth their weight in gold.

2. “Love yourself hard,” I just told my friend who is struggling with her teen

“I needed to hear that,” was her response. I said this to her because I remember I gave up a lot of my passions, hobbies, and time with loved ones because there was a part of me that felt so guilty. Who was I to be enjoying parts of my life while my children seemed to be getting lost?

I skipped exercise classes; I stopped doing crafts, an activity that soothed my soul. I canceled plans with friends even when my kids were busy doing something else because I felt like I should spend that time thinking of a solution or figuring out their behavior. 

Yes, you have to adjust when your kids need you more, but I realized I’d given up so much because I was letting their behavior consume me. This only made me angry and resentful, and all it did was make me feel worse. And guess who I took it out on? My kids who were already struggling.

Do things that nourish your soul as well

I know there are days when your troubled teens make it impossible to concentrate on anything, and all you want to do is stare at the ceiling. I’m not suggesting that life go on as usual, or that you stay in denial. But, there is a tremendous benefit to doing a little something that makes you feel better: a talk with a friend. A walk. A manicure. 

You need to invest in yourself, so you can be the best possible version of yourself to support your child. Nothing is wrong with doing something you enjoy or escaping for a bit so you can reset and face things with a fresh mind. 

From one mother of teenagers to another: Whatever you are going through, know that it will get better, and give yourself permission to take care of you while you are taking care of your teens. 

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.

More Great Reading:

When Does ‘Normal’ Anxiety Become a Problem?

Valentine’s Day will soon be here, and if you have a son, nephew, boyfriend, or another special guy on your list, here are presents we think they’ll love. Some of these valentine’s gift ideas for him are very practical (e.g., warm clothes), while others are just for fun. The teens, college guys, and other men in your life will appreciate you thinking of them on February 14 with one of these unique gift ideas. Many of these would also make fantastic birthday gifts, too.

Note: We are a reader-supported site and may receive compensation from purchases made through these links.

Valentine’s gift ideas for him

1. Bombas Socks 

We are big fans of Bombas socks, and if your son or husband/partner has not yet tried them out, this is a perfect time to treat him to some of these fantastic socks. They are available in various styles, fabrics, and colors. There are socks for golf, tennis, cycling, running, and hiking so that you can match them to their athletic interests.  

Plus, for every pair you purchase, Bombas donates one new pair of socks to someone experiencing homelessness.

2. Bombas Apparel

You may know Bombas socks — which we LOVE — but are you also aware that Bombas makes t-shirts, underwear, long underwear, and slippers? Made with the same soft fabric as the socks, Bombas apparel might become his favorite things to put on to get him through February and the rest of the cold winter months. 

Plus, like with the socks, Bombas donates the same thing to someone experiencing homelessness for every garment you purchase.

3. The Boy, The Mole, the Fox and the Horse

This book is an international best-seller by British illustrator, artist, and author Charlie Mackesy and once you have it in your hands, you will understand why. With words about kindness and home, hope and friendship, it is also illustrated beautifully.

Watch the trailer for the movie based on the book that was released for Christmas, 2022:

4. Jack Black Beard Grooming Kit

Jack Black is a trendy brand for guys, and this beard groom kit would be a perfect gift for any guy with a beard.

5. Ember Temperature Control Smart Mug

Drinking a cup of coffee that has gone cold is a downer on a chilly winter morning.  With Ember, the coffee will stay hot for an hour and a half with a full charge or all day when you use the coaster.

6. Patagonia Vest

A vest of one of the most versatile ways to add a layer over a sweater or under a jacket to add warmth, and Patagonia is one of our favorite brands. We like this furry vest, but there are many other styles and colors.

7. Mini Indoor Fireplace

The aesthetics of a fireplace can now be brought inside to a tabletop with this clever mini-indoor fireplace. What could be more fun for Valentine’s Day than making smores? Great for a date night, too.  

8. Lululemon Athleisure Apparel

Lululemon workout clothes and casual clothes for guys might become his favorite things to wear to the gym, on the golf course, or just when he wants to chill around the house. And the Lulu belt bag isn’t just for the ladies. Follow our link to their best-selling men’s products.

9. The Bucket List: 1000 Adventures Big & Small

This book will inspire any guy who loves to travel with tons of adventures to dream of and plan for. 

10. College Cityscape Glasses — Set of Two

Does your young adult have a fondness for the town where they went to college? These cityscape glasses from Uncommon Goods will be a cute reminder of one of his “happy places.” 

11. Cratejoy Escape the Crate Subscription Box

This bi-monthly “Escape Room” subscription box game is filled with puzzles and mysteries to solve. Designed for ages 10+, this non-screen experience gift would be fun for a group of friends to play.

12. Leatherology Wallet

A new leather wallet makes an enduring present; if you fill it with a few gift cards, it will be one of his favorite Valentine’s Day gifts. 

13. Bluetooth Beanie

This was a wildly popular Christmas gift item and one your son would love to have so he can listen to music with built-in headphones while keeping his head toasty warm. 

14. Fleece Joggers

Jogger-style sweatpants are warm and super comfortable. Made of 95% cotton/5% spandex, these are well-priced, too.

15. Bluetooth Shower Speaker

Listening to his favorite music in the shower might help motivate him to get up in the AM to get showered, dressed, and ready for school or work. 

16. Acacia Wood Cheese Board

Is your young adult beginning to entertain in their apartment? This fantastic cheese board comes in a bundle with 4 bowls and 4 cheese knives, all he needs to create a fantastic spread of appetizers for his friends. 

17. Northern Brewer Beer Kit

This top-rated DIY kit is a complete home-brewing starter kit that will make it easy for your 21+ son to brew his own beer.

18. TheraGun — Mini

For athletes who train hard and have sore muscles to show for it, the handheld, electric TheraGun mini massage therapy tool is an effective device for him for his post-workout self-care. 

19. YETI Tumbler

We have been fans of YETI for years and have many different sizes of tumblers in our own homes. If your son does not have a YETI tumbler to keep cold drinks cold or hot drinks hot – for hours — Valentine’s Day is a great time to send him one of these incredibly durable mugs.  

20. Scratch Map of the World

This could be an excellent gift for a college student with a drab dorm wall they want to dress up. He can scratch off each country he’s visited and dream about where to travel to for junior year, after college, and beyond. 

21. Leather Valet Tray

This leather tray would be a handsome home accessory and an efficient way for him to keep up with keys, wallet, phone, and more. Available in several fantastic colors, it can also be personalized.

22. Custom Pet Mug

If your son’s BFF sweetheart is a family pet, look at this cute pet portrait mug you can order for him.

23. Vuori Performance Jogger

These joggers from Vuori are among the softest and most comfortable pants ever. If you want to splurge on his gift, get him a sweatshirt. We got them as holiday gifts, and they were a HUGE favorite.

24. Pair of Hoya Heart Succulents

If your son loves plants, he might love this pair of succulents in the shape of hearts. 

25. Leatherology Valet Snap Keychain

This clever and well-priced leather keychain is highly versatile: Remove the key ring to keep house or car keys separate from the rest of the keychain. The push-open clip at the opposite end can also be clipped to a bag or backpack.

26. Rugged and Dapper Organic Lip Balm for Men

This lip balm was a bit hit over the holidays as a stocking stuffer, and it would make an equally-great Valentine’s gift for any guy. Ingredients are Beeswax, Vitamin E, Sunflower, Jojoba, and Rosemary Oil, plus it’s infused with a Eucalyptus Mint scent and flavor.

27. Cookies By Design Cookies

Choose a classic Valentine’s Day cookie bouquet or an assortment of yummy cookies in chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, red velvet, and more. 

28. Godiva Chocolates

A box of chocolates from Godiva would be a classic treat for anyone who appreciates good chocolate.  

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Valentine’s Day Gift Guide: 20 Gifts Under $25

Best Valentine’s Day Gifts for Teens and College Students

Joining a fraternity or sorority can be a rewarding and enriching experience for college students, helping them to develop lifelong friendships, leadership skills, career connections, and a pathway to maturation and personal growth. 

For some students, it can be one of the most influential experiences in their college career. However, it is important for parents and students to go into this with open eyes and as much knowledge as possible about both the benefits and potential drawbacks of Greek Life.

Benefits to Membership

One of the primary benefits of joining a fraternity or sorority is the opportunity to form close friendships with other members. Many people find that the friends that they make in their organization are among the most foundational and long-lasting friendships of their lives. Additionally, having a group of friends that are united around a set of values such as academic achievement, brotherhood/sisterhood, a dedication to the community, and dedication to the college, can help form very strong bonds.

Joining a fraternity or sorority can also provide access to social, philanthropic, service, leadership and professional development opportunities that might not be available to non-members. In general, Greek students report higher satisfaction with their college experience (Pike, 2020) and are often more involved in other areas of campus life. 

Drawbacks to Membership

There are also potential drawbacks to consider before joining a fraternity or sorority. Anyone who watches the news can see some of the risks associated with membership. These include hazing and alcohol/substance use and abuse.

While these risky behaviors are not limited to fraternity and sorority life, and can happen on sports teams, clubs, and musical organizations, they can be an issue on some campuses and in some fraternity and sorority chapters. It is very important for parents and students to research the culture and values of any organization both on a national and local level before joining.

Another concern is the cost of membership, which can be significant and may include dues, fees for events and activities, housing costs, and the cost of purchasing fraternity or sorority clothing. In addition, the time commitment required for fraternity or sorority membership can be demanding, with regular meetings and events that may conflict with other commitments such as academics, work, or other non-greek extracurricular activities.

Family / Parent Involvement

Becoming a member of a Greek chapter can be an important decision for a college student. It can impact a student’s social life, housing decisions, financial decisions, and their extracurricular involvement. With all of that in mind, it is a decision that should include parents. Here are some tips for parents wanting to be involved in this decision.

Conversations to have with your student

You should speak to your student openly and honestly about Greek Life before they decide to join. If they are interested in affiliating, talk to them about which chapters they are interested in and why.

Some questions to ask your student include:

1. What do you like about this group in particular?
2. What are the men/women in this group like?
3. How did you meet the brothers/sisters in this group?
4. What kind of reputation does this organization have on your campus?

Online Resources

The internet is a great resource for families to use to help students make decisions about Greek Life in general and on a particular campus. 

Many campuses require organizations to participate in a yearly review process to both highlight the positive that the organization has made and to ensure compliance with institutional policy. These programs can be called ‘accreditation’ or ‘yearly reviews’, and the results are often easily accessible on campus websites.

In addition to these types of reports, campus Greek Life offices may also publish academic/grade reports and positive pieces about the campus including chapters that are recognized with awards. 

Some campuses also publish details about organizational disciplinary actions for issues such as alcohol violations and hazing. These can sometimes be found on the website for the offices that manage Greek Life but can also be found on the websites for offices that handle student discipline and conduct. 

Some states like Pennsylvania, require campuses to post annual or semi-annual hazing reports. These can be found on various websites related to the campus and may require some digging. For example, Saint Vincent College in Latrobe Pennsylvania has their report on their Public Safety site, Lehigh University has their report on their Hazing Prevention website and Penn State has theirs listed on their Student Aid website.

National Headquarters websites will often include information about values and beliefs of the organization, leadership and professional development opportunities, and educational foundations that can provide financial support for members and chapters.  

Personal Resources

Because deciding to join a fraternity or sorority is an important decision, reaching out personally to people “in the know” may be valuable. Greek Life administrators on college campuses are professional staff members who spend their time providing programing and guidance to fraternity and sorority communities.

Do not hesitate to contact these professionals and ask them the questions that you have. They are student affairs professionals and are there to assist your student in building a strong college experience.

You can also reach out to National Headquarters staff of the fraternity or sorority. Most will be willing to talk to parents about what kind of experiences a student affiliating with their group can expect to have. 

If you have access to Chapter members (undergraduate or alumni) these individuals can be a valuable resource for information about things like dues, new member education processes, housing, and other topics more specific to an organization. 

Final pieces of advice

An article of this length can’t begin to cover all of the facets that are relevant to this topic. Students and parents should take the time to look at other areas so that they are informed.

A few areas for further research on your part could include recruitment (especially sorority recruitment which can be a complex process); how culturally based organizations are similar and different from historically white organizations, housing expectations and requirements, and recognized vs. unrecognized groups on a particular campus. (Unrecognized groups are groups that are not officially affiliated with a particular campus but still have student members. Often this lack of recognition is based on a history of disciplinary actions taken against the group).

Greek Life can be a fun and rewarding experience for many students, but it is not for everyone. If your student is interested in exploring this aspect of collegiate life, you should be involved as you would be with any major decision. 

Resources:

National Panhellenic Conference

National Pan-Hellenic Council

North American Interfraternity Conference

More Great Reading:

Helping Your Daughter if Sorority Recruitment Doesn’t Work Out for Her

In this article, Prisma Health’s Leslie Gilbert, MD, offers advice on childhood bumps and bruises. We all know it is a normal part of being a kid but do you know when to be concerned about a bruise? Keep reading to learn more.

“It is normal for children to have flat bruises over their shins and other bony areas, such as their elbows and forearms,” said Dr. Gilbert. “This is just part of healthy play and will resolve normally. Bruises should be a concern when they occur in areas such as the back, stomach or bottom, when they occur without any known trauma or when they are not flat.”

If your child is experiencing these types of bruises, they could be a sign of a bleeding disorder. Bleeding disorders are a group of diseases that lead to an increased risk of bleeding and bruising. A bleeding disorder affects the way your blood would normally clot.

Symptoms of Bleeding Disorders in Children

Dr. Gilbert said individuals with bleeding disorders can experience certain symptoms, including:

• Increased and spontaneous bruising
• Increased nose bleeds
• Petechiae (small red dots on the skin)
• Bleeding after dental or surgical procedures
• Frequent and prolonged nosebleeds
• Heavy menstrual periods

“Diagnosis of a bleeding disorder can often be missed or delayed as symptoms may just be classified as ‘easy bruising’ or ‘easy bleeding’ without further evaluation,” said Dr. Gilbert.

While some bleeding disorders develop over time, others are hereditary. Some individuals with certain bleeding disorders are encouraged to follow activity restrictions to avoid severe injury and bleeding, including avoiding contact sports such as football.

When to Have Your Child’s Bruises Evaluated

Dr. Gilbert said a child who persistently has large, knotted bruises (hematomas) that occur without any known trauma should be evaluated. If your child’s bruises are associated with other bleeding symptoms such as nosebleeds that are frequent and prolonged, gum bleeding, heavy menstrual periods, history of increased bleeding after surgery or a procedure, then you should talk to your primary care doctor.

“Diagnosis and treatment are key for managing bleeding disorders,” said Dr. Gilbert.

Need a Primary Care Doctor?

The best time to schedule a new patient visit is while your child is well. Find a provider who’s right for your family by viewing online profiles, star ratings and reviews.

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Leslie Gilbert, MD MSCI joined the Upstate’s pediatric hematology oncology group at Prisma Health Children’s Hospital in 2015 after completing her pediatric residency at Levine Children’s Hospital in Charlotte, North Carolina and pediatric hematology oncology fellowship at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tennessee. She also completed a Masters of Science in Clinical Investigation at Vanderbilt University. She is board certified in general pediatrics and in pediatric hematology oncology. In addition to taking care of pediatric patients with oncology diagnoses, she has a special interest in bleeding disorders and vascular malformations. She serves as the medical director of the South Carolina Hemophilia Treatment Center in the Upstate.

Looking for toddler or kid open gymnastics play? Local mom, Kristina, visited Acrosmith Gymnastics for family gym time where her kids got to play on all the equipment for an hour.

A great activity for little kids any time of year, but especially when it’s brutally hot, unbearably cold, or rainy, is Family Fun Gym Time at Acrosmith Gymnastics (formerly Tot Time) located just off West Georgia Road near I-385 in Simpsonville.  It’s just $6 for one full hour’s worth of kid-friendly free time at the gym.

Family Fun Gym is offered Monday-Thursday at 9:00 am and 10:15 am and Fridays at 10:15 am. The 9 am time slot is for kids walking through six years old and the 10:15 am time slot is for kids up to age 12.

Pre-registration

Acrosmith has instituted a pre-registration system for their family gym time so you must sign up beforehand online. They have made it super simple and easy. Go to the Acrosmith Family Fun Gym page on their website and click “register here”. You’ll be asked to sign up your child and you pay online. 

When you get to the gym, you’ll be signed in by a staff member, which takes seconds. It’s so easy! I’ve been visiting Acrosmith Gymnastics for their tot times for years and this is by far the fastest method they have instituted.

What happens at Family Fun Gym

Once you arrive at Acrosmith for family fun gym, kids take off their shoes and get to do pretty much whatever they want at the gym. 

My one daughter loves the bars and the trampolines. My other daughter really enjoys the beam and foam pit. There is something for every interest and kids will undoubtedly find something they enjoy.

Acrosmith has an area designed just for the smaller kids with a rope swing, small bars, and beams, but the kids can go whatever they like.

Parents need to be within arms reach of their kids though for their own safety. Acrosmith limits the numbers of kids but you can imagine that kids will want to fly off a beam or bar because they think they are invincible – and they aren’t. So parents need to carefully watch their children.

They can run around on the bouncy floor, try walking across the higher beams, jump on the tumble track trampoline, or bounce into the foam pits. There are no classes or structured play – just a perfect time to let your tot run around and get out energy somewhere other than your own house.

Acrosmith used to be located in Simpsonville but they’ve since moved to a larger gym off of Woodruff Road on an access road that you can get to from Roper Mountain Road to Feaster Road to the access road. It’s right behind Aldi.

The benefits of Family Gym Time at Acrosmith are plentiful, to say the least

• Beat the heat, cold, and rain.  Acrosmith is a full size, competitive team training gym.  You will see bars, vaults, beams, trampolines, and more the moment you enter the fully air conditioned/heated building.
• Gross Motor Skills: Your child will be running, jumping, climbing, rolling, skipping, hopping, and doing much more for the full hour that they are engaged during Family Gym Time.
• Inexpensive Fun: There is no commitment for Family Gym Time at Acrosmith.  Come whenever you want.

The atmosphere is laid back and there are other parents just hanging out following their kids around. It’s a great way to get out energy for the kids!

Acrosmith Gymnastics
3130 N. Industrial Drive, Simpsonville
864.593.4066
Acrosmith Gymnastics Facebook page

Have you been to Acrosmith’s Family Fun Gym? Have you checked out any of their other competitive or recreational classes?  Let us know what you think!

Enjoy An Upscale Bowling Experience at Underpin Lanes ‘N Lounge in Spartanburg, SC

What are the top Red names for your newborn? To find names that contain the element red? If that’s the case, consider yourself extremely fortunate.

Red is a color that can be used to represent a wide range of emotions, and there are many unique options for baby names. In addition to having significance as a name, these are also very impressive and rare. Now then, let’s begin with names that connote the color red.

Choosing a name for your newborn opens up a universe of potential options. However, where do I even begin? Using your preferred shade of color as a filter can help you zero in on a few viable options. And if that color is red, then it makes sense to think about all the other words for red. There are many options available to you.

Perhaps it’s more than just the hue that appeals to you. Maybe you have a redhead ancestor you’d like to honor or simply want to celebrate the color red. There is bound to be a baby name that centers around the color red that you will adore, no matter what first drew you to it.

Names like Redmond and Redder are just two examples of the many names that contain the color red. The meaning of the name may be associated with the bearer’s hair, eye, or skin tone.

Red was more commonly used as a nickname back in the day. It used to mean “fire,” but now it can mean “gemstone,” “flower,” “Mars,” or “Leo” (the astrological sign). Let’s explore the fascinating realm of red-themed names and see what appeals to you. 

If your baby has red hair, red cheeks, or a red complexion, consider naming them something red. Red is an imposing hue that conveys strength and confidence, even if your child lacks these traits. Selecting a name from this list of red-themed options could give your newborn a sense of self-assurance right from the start.

 

Question And Answer Round For Red Names

What Japanese names mean red?

• Akako: meaning red
• Akane: meaning deep red, dye from the rubia plant
• Akari: meaning bright or vermilion red

What Irish name means red?

• Caera: meaning fiery
• Clancy: meaning red-haired warrior
• Derry: meaning like a red oak
• Flanagan: meaning red, ruddy
• Flannery: meaning descendant of Flannabhra
• Gilroy: meaning son of the red-haired servant
• Rogan: meaning redhead
• Roone: meaning red-haired
• Rooney: meaning descendent of the champion
• Ruaidhrí: meaning red king

Is red a male or female name?

It is a common name for both boys and girls.

What Japanese name means red rose?

Akaibara (Red Rose)

What Japanese girl name means red?

Popular Baby Names, origin japanese

Name	Meaning	Origin
Akako	red	Japanese
Akane	brilliant red	Japanese
Akasuki	bright helper	Japanese
Akemi	beauty of dawn	Japanese

For more details go check it out here.

What names mean red moon?

Chizuki.  This name simply means “blood moon”

What name means red earth?

What does the word “Red” mean in a name?

The color red appears in a lot of people’s names; some examples include Redder, Redmond, and, of course, Red. Various alternative names simply refer to red in some way, whether as a color, a skin tone, or an emotional state.

Oftentimes, moms look for names with special meanings to pass on to their children. Maybe you have a thing for the color red and want to pass that on to your child by giving them a name that includes it. One possibility is that you want to honor the many redheads in your family by giving your child their name.

Red is an Old English name that was originally applied to people because of their red hair or complexion. These days, the color red can mean almost anything.

• The Leo astrological sign
• Energy associated with the element fire
• This hue
• Mars, a planetary body
• Love, a precious stone, a beautiful flower, and an everlasting

In the alternative, you could use a name that means “red” in another language. Some languages use color to describe their names; the Hebrew word for red is Shani, and the Macedonian word for red cheeks is Rumen.

Famous people with red-sounding names include Erik the Red, the first Norseman to establish a settlement on Greenland.

 

What the Color Red Means to Other Cultures

Bridal Dresses in Red from Asia. The Chinese prefer the color red because it is seen as auspicious. Young Japanese children typically depict the sun as a large red circle.

When referring to stock markets in East Asia, the color red indicates an upward trend. (Note that red indicates a decline in stock prices on North American stock markets.)

The color red is considered to bring good luck in marriage. In Asia, brides traditionally don bright red saris; in Japan, a bride would wear a kimono in that color to represent good fortune and joy.

Most of the symbolism of red today stems from these ancient connotations because our forebears associated it with the primal life forces of fire and blood. That’s a pretty fantastic history, but surprisingly, this vibrant color isn’t being used to name many newborns these days. And more is always welcome.

 

Best Red Names For Baby Girls

• Auburn: deep reddish brown
• Cherry:  red fruit
• Hazel: Hazelnut tree
• Poppy: red flower 
• Rose: flower
• Rosie: red roses
• Ruby: deep red, precious stone
• Scarlett: scarlet, red
• Sienna: the reddish shade of brown
• Gender-neutral names meaning red
• Carmine: vivid red
• Corsen: a reed plant
• Ginger: English origin, and a nickname
• Phoenix: dark red
• Rory: red king
• Rowan: rowan tree or little redhead.
• Sorrell: reddish brown

Names for girls with red hair

What should I name my red haired girl? A bonus here is the list of some names for the girls with red hair

• Anne
• Ariel
• Elizabeth
• Ginny
• Grace
• Merida
• Ygritte

 

Best Red Names For Baby Boy

• Adam – Biblical, means son of the red earth
• Derry -read at heart or red oak tree
• Flann – red, or ruddy,
• Gough – red
• Harkin – red
• Jasper – gemstone
• Keegan – fiery
• Radcliff – The red cliff
• Radley – from the red meadow
• Redmond – Irish, wise protector
• Reed -Red-haired
• Rousseau – French, red
• Rowan – Scottish, little redhead, a tree with red berries
• Rudyard – red yard
• Rufus – Roman, red-haired king
• Rumo – Cornish, red
• Russell – French, fox-colored
• Rusty – French, red haired; foxlike
• Sorrel – French, reddish-brown
• Titan – Roman, red-haired

 

Unique Red Names

• Afra: Arabic origin, meaning whitish red
• Altan: Turkish origin, meaning red dawn
• Blaze: English origin, meaning fire
• Crimson: English origin, meaning rich deep red
• Gough: Welsh origin, meaning red
• Harkin: Gaelic origin, meaning red
• Miltiades: Greek origin, meaning red earth
• Omaira: Arabic origin, meaning long life or red
• Radley: English origin, meaning red meadow
• Reading: English origin, meaning son of the red-haired
• Roth: German origin, meaning redhead
• Rousseau: French origin, meaning little redhead
• Roy: French origin, meaning king
• Rudyard: English origin, meaning red enclosure
• Rufina: Latin origin, meaning red-haired
• Rumen: Macedonian origin, meaning ruddy, red-cheeked
• Rumo: Cornish origin, meaning red
• Shani: Hebrew origin, meaning scarlet
• Sohrab: Persian origin, meaning red water
• Titan: Latin origin, meaning red-haired
• Wapasha: Sioux origin, meaning red leaf

 

What are cool names for red?

• Red
• Cherry
• Rose
• Jam
• Merlot
• Garnet
• Crimson
• Ruby
• Scarlet
• Wine
• Brick
• Apple
• Mahogany
• Blood
• Sangria
• Berry
• Currant
• Blush
• Candy
• Lipstick

 

Final Thoughts On Red names

These were the top Red names. Maybe you’re a redhead who’s planning on having a brood of fiery kids, or maybe you’ve just always been known as “Red” because of your fiery disposition.

If you’re looking for a baby name that’s as fiery as your little one, we’ve got you covered. We offer some sizzling choices for both boys and girls, as well as some that are gender-neutral.

Names for both boys and girls have traditionally been based on the color red. Love, flames, flowers, precious stones, and even the planet Mars are just a few of the modern cultural connotations associated with the color red.

Consider giving your daughter a name associated with love and passion, like Ruby or Sienna, in honor of the color you’ve chosen for her.

There is a long history of men, particularly brave Vikings and noble kings, having names that include the color red. Name your future king Rory, which means “red king” in Irish, or Titan, which comes from ancient Rome.

By the way, how did you like this outstanding and beautiful reddish article on top Red names for your newborn?

Tell us by commenting, and if you have any advice regarding top makar Red names, then definitely give it. 

Also Read: 150+ Best Sassy Girl Names For Free (2022 Updated)

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A pregnancy diet is the biggest concern for every mother. But first, if you have embarked upon this beautiful journey, congratulations! Typically, you are aware of how beneficial most nuts are for health, and that almonds are a true nutritional powerhouse. However, given that you are expecting, you may be doubting whether eating almonds during pregnancy is still a good idea. Read this blog till the end to ease your concerns.

Almonds play a key role at this stage of a woman’s life when she must consume all the necessary nutrients for a healthy pregnancy. They are rich in vitamins, minerals, proteins, calcium, and other nutrients that are all good for fetal development. And they taste great, too! Let’s discuss the common concerns below:

1. Is Eating Almonds During Pregnancy Recommended?

Eating almonds during pregnancy is not only safe but also advantageous if they are consumed in moderation and with some precautions. Almond consumption during pregnancy is only dangerous if you have a nut allergy.

In that case, it’s crucial to obtain a doctor’s advice before including them in the pregnant diet. However, the likelihood of developing an allergy to almonds while pregnant is extremely unlikely if you had never experienced one before becoming pregnant.

2. Does Eating Almonds During Pregnancy Cause Birth Defects?

Not at all! If you consume enough almonds in your diet both before and during pregnancy, you can prevent birth defects.

Almonds are rich in folate, also known as folic acid or vitamin B9, which can help prevent neural tube defects (NTDs), which are birth defects of the brain and spine. Almonds also support the fetus’s healthy development in the first trimester of pregnancy.

3. Does It Increase the Rate of Morning Sickness?

During the first three months of pregnancy, morning sickness, also known as nausea and vomiting of pregnancy (NVP), is a typical symptom. About 80% of pregnant women experience this and you might be one of them.

Almonds are rich in Riboflavin because they contain about 25% of the daily recommended amount. The essential nutrient riboflavin, also known as vitamin B2, gives your body energy while you are pregnant. You can reduce fatigue and morning sickness by eating almonds during pregnancy. Muscle cramps, which are frequent in pregnant women, may also be prevented by it.

4. How Many Almonds Should You Consume?

Dietary recommendations state that a typical person can consume 20–23 almonds without experiencing any harm. Almonds should, however, not be eaten all at once but rather distributed throughout the day, for example, from 5 to 6 in the morning, some at lunch, and then some in the evening.

As per the doctors, you can eat 6–8 almonds per day while pregnant. You won’t need to eat any more almonds than this to get all the nutrients you need each day. You’ll also be eating a variety of other foods, and your doctor might even suggest a special diet while you’re expecting. You will therefore need to maintain a balanced, healthy diet.

5. When is the Ideal Time to Eat Almonds While Expecting?

Almond consumption should begin as early as the first week of your pregnancy, or ideally in the first trimester. Almonds can be soaked the night before and eaten for breakfast the next day. They can be a part of your lunch, dinner, or late-night snacks as well.

You should avoid eating almonds during pregnancy right before bedtime. Consume them a couple of hours before going to bed; in fact, you should eat your last meal of the day a couple of hours before bedtime while pregnant.

6. Are There any Fatal Side Effects of Eating Almonds During Pregnancy?

Unless you eat too many almonds, there are no negative effects from eating them. The consumption of excessive amounts of almonds has been linked to weight gain, nervous breakdowns, and breathing issues.

Additionally, almonds contain a lot of fiber, which if consumed in excess can result in constipation and make you feel bloated, crampy, or gassy. Consult a doctor before including almonds in your diet if you are allergic to nuts or have any other type of allergy.

7. How to Include Almonds in Your Diet?

A handful of uncooked almonds makes a tasty snack. They can also be added whole or sliced to your morning cereal. You can also make raw almond butter to spread on toast. Raw almonds that have been sliced are also delicious on salads.

8. Are there any Specific Precautions to Take?

One ounce of almonds contains 48% of the daily recommended amount of vitamin E, making them one of the best sources of this vitamin. Green leafy vegetables and fruits, as well as other beneficial foods for pregnancy, contain significant amounts of vitamin E. The effects of consuming too much vitamin E include headaches, diarrhea, and blurred vision.

In a nutshell, eating almonds during pregnancy can help pregnant women in a variety of ways, including regulating bowel movement, preventing constipation, reducing pregnancy swelling, preventing birth defects, and alleviating morning sickness. They also benefit a mother’s overall health and her baby’s birth weight.

If you’re pregnant and haven’t yet included almonds in your daily diet, now is the time. If you found this information useful, please share it with others.

Frequently Asked Questions

By Louise Kinross

Looking for a cool hoodie or t-shirt that promotes disability inclusion? Check out GoodOnU, a new business started by a mother-daughter team in Richmond Hill, Ont.

“I wanted to create a meaningful opportunity for my daughter Ashley as an adult, as she isn’t able to have traditional employment because she needs a support person,” says Sherry Caldwell, pictured with her daughter above. 

Ashley, 17, is in Grade 12. She loves fashion and art and hates math. Ashley, who has a rare genetic condition that makes communication difficult, drew the pink heart that is the company logo, and enjoys modelling GoodOnU clothes as part of the business’s marketing efforts.

“She’s proud of her work and when I tell her I’m doing a bit of a photo shoot after school you can see the excitement in her face,” Sherry says. “This is a social enterprise, it’s not a business to create tremendous profit. We wanted to put disability-positive messages out into the world.”

For example, you can purchase a tuque with the word “ROLL,” or baseball cap with the word “LOVE” embroidered in American Sign Language or Braille. There are “anti-poverty social club” shirts and an “equity for all” hoodie that has a wheelchair illustration. An “animal advocate” line includes images of a dog using a wheelchair and a penguin in a walker. Mothers can purchase a Mamabear shirt.

“They start a conversation,” Sherry says. “One of my friends wore her hat to Disney World and said so many people came up to her to comment on its message.”

In addition to creating work for Ashley, GoodOnU will help fund the Ontario Disability Coalition, an advocacy group Sherry and Ashley co-founded in 2017. “It’s a grassroots organization for people experiencing disability poverty,” Sherry says. The group’s campaign this March focuses on childhood disability poverty. “Poverty for kids like my daughter with complex medical needs begins at birth,” Sherry says. “When a child is extremely fragile, parents may not be able to return to their jobs and caregiving is a full-time job. We see a lot in the news about disability poverty for adults, but Canadians aren’t aware of how early on it starts. These kids are forgotten.”

GoodOnU was launched last summer and given the pandemic and inflation, it’s been a tough go. “As the cost of goods are so high, we’ve been losing money,” Sherry says. “Luckily we received a starter business grant of $3,500 from the City of Richmond Hill which was super helpful, and enabled us to pay our Shopify fees. We had to incorporate because I wanted it to be a social enterprise and there’s a lot of bookkeeping. I have many volunteers helping me, including my neighbour and my niece.”

Sherry says the family does a “super happy dance” whenever an order comes in. During the holidays GoodOnU started a Buy One Gift One hoodie campaign. Thirty families of children with disabilities who follow the Parent Advocacy Link (PAL) Facebook group in Ontario applied to be a recipient. Hoodies range from $65 to $90. T-shirts are $35 for kids and $40 for adults.

The business is looking for sponsors and disabled artists and authors who may want to partner with it. E-mail Sherry at info@goodonu.ca.

Like this story? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter. You’ll get family stories and expert advice on parenting children with disabilities; interviews with activists, clinicians and researchers; and disability news. 

Looking for something to do on the upcoming long weekend that includes a day off from school to honor a civil rights leader? Upstate kids and (some) parents have a long weekend coming up, giving families time to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. If you are looking for ways to honor his legacy, we have found several family-friendly options.

We’ve also included some added special events that can make the long weekend fun for everyone!

Honoring Martin Luther King Jr Through Community Service

Pick-up litter with Friends of The Reedy River on Monday, January 16th, 2023 starting from 9:00 am to 12:00 pm. Children are welcome (just be sure that they are old enough to stay out of the road, at least seven to eight).
FoRR will provide all other necessary items, such as gloves, vests, trash grabbers, trash bags, tools, etc. The pick-up efforts will be around the Nicholtown and Brutontown Communities. You will receive a confirmation email with your assigned check-in location after you register.

MLK Day of Service Greenville County Wide Litter Cleanup will be all day on January 16th, 2023. Participants can sign up to pick up litter at multiple sites around Greenville that need attention. The Greenville Litter Ends Here Initiative is a year-long program in Greenville that families and groups can sign up for and compete against each other.

The City of Spartanburg and The United Way will celebrate the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. during Unity Week in 2023 with different live-streamed, virtual events and volunteer opportunities. Activities include creating care packages, donating blood, cleaning up parks, and more. The entire list of community service activities planned can be found on the United Way Website.

For more info on how you can serve the community in honor of MLK day, there are several national websites to check:

If you’d like more information about places to volunteer in the Upstate, don’t miss our Volunteering Guide.

Learn About The Civil Rights Movement With Help From The Library

The Spartanburg and Greenville Library systems are closed on Monday in observance. The library is the best place to stock up on great books to teach your kids the importance of Martin Luther King, Jr, and the Civil Rights Movement. Here are a couple of excellent book lists to get you started from “What Do We Do All Day?”

Here are a few other books to add to your reading list, for the next trip to the library!

Attend An Event Honoring The MLK Legacy

January 16, 2023: Magic Moment: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day with TCMU: Join The Children’s Museum of the Upstate – Greenville in celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

January 16th, 2023: MLK Jr. Day of Celebration – Greer: Speaker James Felder will speak at the celebration luncheon at the event hall at Greer City Park. Tickets are $5.

Take A Day Trip for Some Hands On Learning

The Martin Luther King Jr. National Historical Park | Atlanta, GA
In 1980, The Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historical Park was established to preserve the places where Martin Luther King, Jr. was born, lived, worked, worshiped, and buried. Each year the 38-acre park hosts nearly a quarter-million guests while sharing the significance of one of the most influential Americans in modern history. Entrance to the park is always free. Learn More About The Martin Luther King and The Black History of Atlanta

The Friendship Nine Lunch Counter | York County, SC
In 1961, 10 College students staged a sit-in at the local McCrory’s Lunch Counter to protest segregation. The men were arrested, and 9 of them refused to pay the fine for these charges, choosing instead to sit in jail for 30 days. The McCrory’s is still there, and you can see the original lunch counter and stools from 1961. The Friendship Nine and their story is an important part of the civil rights movement. Learn More About The Friendship Nine and York County

Things To Do On a Day Off From School In The Winter

Fun In Spartanburg, SC

• Check out a kit from the Spark Space Maker Space at the Headquarters Library over the weekend. They have all kinds of fun kits you can check out to learn to do something new over the weekend!
• Hit the slopes and try out these places to go sledding.

Fun In Greenville, SC

• Bring kids ages 12 and under to Family Fun Gym time at Acrosmith Gymnastics on Monday, January 16, 2023 at 9 am or 10:15 am. Cost is $6/child and you have to pre-register online.
• Ice on Main‘s last day for the season is Monday, January 16th, 2023.
• Hiking in the winter is great for many reasons – the first probably being that there aren’t any bugs! See our big hiking guide for some suggestions of fun trails.
• If the weather is mild, you can check out this list of Greenville’s Favorite Playgrounds

For more ideas on cheap and inexpensive things to do during winter, Head To The Kidding Around Big List of Winter Fun.

Fun Near The Upstate

• Want to go snow tubing or skiing over the long weekend? See our best places to ski and tube near Greenville story.
• If you’d like to see some gorgeous waterfalls, see our Winter Waterfall Driving Tour (you may get lucky and even see from frozen falls!).
• Day trips are also a way to have fun together on the long weekend. We’ve got a huge Travel page for you to browse for ideas. Charleston is full of places to visit and reflect on the things that Martin Luther King Jr. fought to change.

It’s that time of year again when the world screams, “New year, new you!”

Every January, without fail, we are inundated with messages about transforming our apparent less-than-optimal selves into something better. (“Shrink your waistline in 30 days,” and “Power up your mental health with these protein shakes,” read the subject lines in my inbox, to name a few.)

I have been trying to create a “new” me for most of my life. The “old” me, according to most, was too quiet, too intense, too awkward, too sensitive, and too focused. The “old” me needed to chill out, calm down, and stop talking about my obscure passions all the time. For nearly 40 years, I did what I had to do to stay safe — I masked the real me and became “new” when others demanded and expected it.

That all recently changed for me when I was diagnosed with autism — an awakening that transformed everything about the way I see myself.

So this year, I don’t want to be a “new” me. I want to be the old me. The authentic me. I want to shed the mask and start living fully as myself.

[Read: “Could I Be Autistic, Too?” Signs of Autism in Women with ADHD]

New Year, Radically Me

In his book, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity (#CommissionsEarned), Devon Price writes, “Refusing to perform neurotypicality is a revolutionary act of disability justice. It’s also a radical act of self-love.”

This year, I want to radically love the wounded child in me who believed she was deeply flawed. Who believed she had to corrode herself to fit the mold of the world, no matter what it took. Who often thought to herself:

What’s the matter with me?
Why am I like this?
I am too much.
I am not enough.

New Year, New Us, New World

I am part of a growing group of people who are just beginning to discover and embrace their neurodivergence (ND) in adulthood. As I learn about my identity, I am also learning about my child’s own neurodivergence and thinking about his future.

[Read: Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage]

In our lives, our homes, and in our hearts, we, the ND parents of a new generation of ND kids, get to break the rules we were raised to uphold. We get to say, “Not this time.” We get to raise our children to believe that they are just right, just as they are. That they don’t have to change to be accepted.

As Price writes in Unmasking Autism, “We can step out of the soul-crushing cycle of reaching for neurotypical acceptance and being rejected despite our best efforts. Instead, we can support and uplift one another, and create our own neurodiverse world where everyone — including neurotypicals — is welcome.”

This is my hope for 2023 — New year, new world. A world where everyone is welcome. A world that embraces and celebrates humanity’s inherent neurodiversity, starting with our own homes, our own families, our own selves.

If you are to “transform” this year, don’t think of a “new” you. Instead, learn to love the real you you’ve been forced to mask all along. This radical act of self-acceptance allows others, especially our children, to grow up loving their real ND selves.

So, be the quirky, wild you.
Be the sensitive, tender you.
Live off the standard clock.
Challenge the social norms.
Wave your hands when you talk.
Lose track of time.
Give sincere monologues on your favorite topics and do not apologize for it.
Embrace neurodivergent culture and celebrate neurodivergent people in your circle.

New Year, New Me: Next Steps

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Janet replies to the concerns of 3 different families who all share that they’re struggling with their children’s controlling, inflexible, and, in one case, possessive behaviors. The children range in age from 2 to 6, and Janet observes they all appear to have personalities on the intense side. One parent is particularly worried about how her son treats his peers when he doesn’t get his way. She writes: “I worry he will lose friends or be unable to form deep connections if he yells and screams at his friends like this.” Janet suggests a point of view for understanding and addressing these behaviors which can apply to almost any issue parents might face. She also offers examples of responses for the specific behaviors in each of these situations.

Transcript of “Controlling, Rigid, Argumentative Behavior (What It Means and What We Can Do)”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m going to be responding to three different letters that I received that are all in the same theme. Some of the subject line comments these family shared were: “rigidity, possessiveness, control, inflexibility.” I always feel like it’s a sign when I get several notes together around the same theme. It feels like this means I should be doing a podcast on this topic. So I’m going to be exploring those topics and then speaking to ways to respond effectively with all these specifics that these parents have shared with me on these issues with their children.

Okay, so I want to start out by talking a little about the framework that we can use as parents to figure out what’s going on with our children. The wonderful thing about treating our children as whole people from the time they’re born is that when we realize that these are people just like us… They’re not exactly like us because they are much more immature, they are much more open to the world and more sensitive, they don’t have that life experience that we have, and they have much more impulsivity, it’s harder for them to control their emotions and their behaviors. But otherwise, we do share the same emotions, the same tendencies, although we don’t act them out as much as children do, we can have those same motivations based on our feelings.

The reason that’s helpful is that when we think about behaviors in children that show: rigidity, possessiveness, inflexibility control, when we are feeling those things or maybe have some of those tendencies as adults, what is that coming from?

And for most of us, it comes from a range of feelings, from fear to unsettled. We just don’t quite have our footing, so we’re trying to hold on. We’re more reactive. We’re not as able to let go and go with the flow. We’re holding onto some semblance of control when we feel a little out-of-control. So those are normal feelings that so many of us can relate to — I know I can — and that will help us to understand and even kind of diagnose what’s going on with our child and therefore be able to respond in ways that eases their behavior, that helps them move through these feelings rather than getting stuck there or or having it become something that builds and seems to get even more pronounced.

Okay, here’s the first note:

Hi Janet. I’m writing to you about my wonderful four, almost five-year-old son. He is a bright, deeply, feeling, articulate, thoughtful little guy, and so engaging to be around. In so many ways, he’s an easy laidback kid, but he’s always struggled with emotional regulation. And recently it seems to be escalating. I’d say we’ve gone through periods since he turned two years old of differing intensity in the ways the emotional dysregulation is demonstrated, some more challenging and impactful than others.

He’s always been very articulate so typically he turns to verbal, lashing out when he’s frustrated, sad, stuck or otherwise out of sorts. I think so much of his behavior is typical for a four-year-old who feels deeply and is porous to the outside world. But lately he’s had two issues that have me concerned and at a loss for how to handle them. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

First, anytime we try to tell him anything, he says, “I know!” in a very aggressive and almost teenage-like way. We can’t remind him to do anything he needs to do, tell him about plans for the following day, correct any difficult behavior. It can be the smallest thing and we’ll set him off for quite a long time. Yes, it happens more when he is tired, hungry, emotionally drained, et cetera. But lately it seems almost constant.

My partner and I have tried ignoring it, giving him a very calm but consistent response: “You may try again” and getting angry, but nothing seems to help. How should we deal with this? I have a feeling it’s a need for control and he’s exhibiting a somewhat typical four-year-old maturity, but it’s draining and we’re at our wits end with it.

The second and possibly more concerning behavior has to do with friends. We’ve had a few play dates recently with friends from his preschool. He plays so well with them at school and has been to a few of their houses without issue.

So to give you an example from the examples that she gave, she says: “He’s always been very articulate so typically he turns to verbal lashing out when he’s frustrated.” But lately he’s doing this I know! thing back at them in this very aggressive, she says, “almost teenage- like way.”

That’s a defensive reactive response, right? That doesn’t come from a comfortable place in him. It’s when we’re hurting inside that we lash out like: Don’t tell me things that I’m doing wrong. Don’t tell me anything I don’t know. I’m already bagging on myself right now!  Or I’m already feeling so vulnerable, so like, don’t tell me more.

And it’s not that I’m suggesting these parents like correct themselves and never tell him anything anymore, but to really allow for his uncomfortable response. It’s actually a vulnerable response that he’s giving.

She says, “My partner and I have tried ignoring it, giving him a very calm but consistent response, ‘You may try again,’ and getting angry, but nothing seems to help.”

One thing about that is when children are getting all these different types of responses, it does kind of add to them feeling stuck in a behavior. So we want to try is to start, ideally, being consistent in our response. And the consistent response I would recommend is, “Whoa, you really don’t like when we tell you stuff.”

So we’re not ignoring him as if he’s not seen and we’re just kind of turning away from him. We’re not going to tell him, “Try again. Say it better, do it better. We don’t like that.” Which I think is what they’re saying, I’m not sure. And getting angry, that just makes him feel so powerful and unsafe. I know it doesn’t look vulnerable on the outside, but it is a vulnerable response that he’s having.

So if we could do that hard thing, instead of going to that reasonable place in ourselves of don’t act that way with us! What are you doing? Why are you overreacting to this? What’s going on? That’s not his reality right there. And we’re going to help calm all of this down, if that’s our goal, if we really allow him to share that discomfort and accept that and not let it drag us down onto his level in any way.

As always and with everything that I share it’s, again, it’s leaning into the feelings, letting it be okay for him to feel what he feels. It’s not something we have to fix.

And then she talks about him with his friends. One of the good things about our role with children is that we do have the most power. And oftentimes when children are bringing things into their relationships with friends, those are things that we can help our child adjust and do differently by the way that we respond. So when we start responding with more of this: it’s really okay for you to have this kind of crazy response when we’re just telling you something and wow, we see that, we notice that you don’t want to hear it. You really don’t want to know, and you don’t want us to tell you stuff like that. Okay, we’re still going to do our job as parents, but it’s really okay to feel how you feel, then he can feel safer. It can calm these needs that he has right now to try to hold on and then be rigid and control everything.

Children have different temperaments, so it’s a temperament too. It’s not going to completely go away no matter how we respond. He has these tendencies, but it will definitely lessen because he’ll feel better, he’ll feel less vulnerable, he’ll feel more seen, and he’ll feel more comfortable in his place in the family. Because when we talk about those kind of behaviors: rigidity, possessiveness, inflexibility, that’s often something in the relationship with us. Are these leaders really seeing me as this often unreasonable, immature little child? I really need them to see me that way as much as possible so that I could feel safe and I can be that little kid in all my f floppiness and blustery behavior and teenage words and responses.

So this would carry over to the way he is with friends. It’s interesting to me that he’s plays well when he’s at school, but then they come to his house… and most children, they do feel more possessive at their house. They do feel that this is their home turf that they want to hold onto. And it can be especially true if they don’t feel completely settled, because then they need to hold on even more. So, this is my house, I’m holding on here to the control. I don’t know why I’m doing it. And boom, he just explodes when he feels this slipping away from him. And yeah, this parent is so perceptive, so perceptive as she says he needs to mature his way out of it. Yes.

What I would try to do is lean in to those feelings, take him aside or even say in front of his friends to help them understand what’s going on, say, “Oh, you wanted to play that and they didn’t want to play that. Yikes, that makes you really uncomfortable, right? When your friends have a different idea, they have a different opinion, that’s so disappointing for you.”

So I’m not blaming the friends, I’m not trying to put them on the spot, but I’m helping them to hear him, and I’m helping him to feel: we love you in these states. It’s okay to feel this way. Yes, he’s being a unpleasant child right there, but that’s not where he wants to be. That’s not how he wants to be with his friends. He wants to have a blast with them and he can, but only if he’s able to release some of this holding on that he’s doing, this rigidity.

If he’s allowed to crack and loosen some of it up by exploding, and he know he won’t always explode, he won’t always act this way, but it’s happening more because you know, it’s like buildings in an earthquake, the tall buildings, right? You want them to be flexible and moving when things happen. It’s the buildings that are built rigidly that crack. But for him to be able to be that flexible structure, he’s got to be able to crack and sort of rebuild from there. And that’s how he will become more flexible by knowing that it’s safe to be inflexible and be a mess.

I don’t know what she’s doing in terms of trying to support him. She said it takes a long time and she’s trying to support him. I wouldn’t try to talk him down with reason. “Oh, they just want to do another thing and it’s okay.” All those things that most of us have the instinct to do, I would really trust and lean into that for him, it’s not okay. It doesn’t feel good. It feels awful. That’s his experience.

So connecting with his experience rather than trying to talk him out of it, or make it better, or calm him down with reason. Those things actually can make children, especially children with this kind of intense, sensitive temperament, it can make them feel more unsettled and afraid. What just happened to me? I just went somewhere that’s scary and everyone’s got to help me down from here, from this place. Instead of, Wow. Yeah, that happened. And that’s okay. And that’s normal for you to feel that way. Sometimes you have intense frustration when people don’t do what you want them to do. Seeing him, relating to him as much as possible and really welcoming him to feel how he feels.

Okay, here’s another note:

About two months ago, my son first grader was suspended from school. He got suspended because of an altercation on the bus and threatening another student, very out of character. We took this very seriously. Since then, we are working with his teachers and at home on calm down techniques, but I am not always there at school with him at home. I do my best, but I admittedly don’t hold it together all the time.

One of his main challenges is he has his own definition of what is right and wrong, and his own approach to dealing with said matters. He tends to have a mental block If someone disagrees and will argue and it’s nearly impossible to get through to him. I want to help him but I don’t know how. I’m just looking for ideas on how to help him out.

So I have even less information here, and this is obviously a pretty serious situation if this poor guy got suspended from school. That’s scary for a parent, right? His teachers working with him at calming down techniques… that may well be helpful, but I really feel from everything I know here, which isn’t much, that rather than trying to change his definition of right and wrong, I would try to welcome it, understand it as much as possible. While still being the leader that doesn’t let him act on it, that doesn’t accommodate all his wishes — that’s not what allowing him to share is about, because that’s saying: I’m afraid to be the parent here. I’m afraid to be the leader.

So we don’t want to do that. It doesn’t sound like his parent’s doing that, but it will help. instead of calming him down, to hear him out. This is how you see things. That’s interesting. Again, I don’t really have specifics here to go by, and it does sound like an intense temperament here if he could fly off the handle like that on a bus and threaten a student.

But there’s a lot of work a parent can do if they’re brave, if they’re up to this challenge of letting him have this other opinion, not saying, “You’re wrong and this is the way it is.” But, “What is this view about? What makes you think that way? That’s interesting. Well, we’re still going to do this because this is my job. I’m your parent. But I really want to know your side of of things. I want to hear it. I want to know how you feel. I want to know how you see the world.”

In other words, instead of arguing with him, hold your role as the leader in a way that’s so mature and unthreatened that you welcome his side. There’s no reason to argue. You are still going to make the decisions. And we’re in a very, very strong place when we are so okay with being in disagreement with our child that we can welcome them, all the way, to share how they feel.

You don’t have to see it my way, I want to see it your way, but because I’m the adult and you need me to be your parent and you’re a wonderful kid that needs the best parent, I’ve got to be the one to ultimately look out for you. You don’t have that maturity.

I’m not saying to say all this to him. Mostly you’d be saying it to yourself. I’m also not saying that this boy’s troubles will disappear and this parent’s issues with him will just vanish. But that’s the direction I would recommend working on because it seems like he’s very stuck in himself. And what happens… it’s like that tea kettle. He can’t release any steam, so it explodes. Let him release all that steam. Let him be that strong, opinionated, maybe angry person. The more he can feel safe to share this, the less he will ever take that out into other situations. He may still, but this is where it heals: with us. We have this power.

So obviously I’m not going to be the only resource that helps this parent with this situation. And I’m glad that they’re working together with his teachers. I hope they give him all the grace in the world, and if they’re coming from that place of help it’s great. But I would try to understand it and allow it and help him name it and walk through it rather than trying to tamp it down.

Okay, one more note here:

Hi Janet. One thing I can’t seem to find an answer to is how to react to my daughter’s rigidity and possessiveness, which she exhibits at home, at daycare, and with other people such as her grandparents. This has started as early as one year of age and got really obvious around 18 months when she started daycare.

For example, at 11 to 12 months, she cried and screamed when she noticed a younger child wearing one of her sweaters.  We were at the park, my friend’s baby was cold, and I had an extra sweater on hand. She wanted her sweater back.

Here are some examples of what I mean by rigidity slash possessiveness…

At this point in time, two years old at daycare, she’s the only child out of 15 that does not accept that her chair be used by another child or is at the wrong place/at the wrong table. Every child has a chair with their picture on it at daycare.

She’s the only child that picks a toy in the morning and doesn’t let go of it the entire day. Also, the only child who keeps her puppet for nap instead of putting it back in the bin. 

She does not tolerate that my husband or myself hold another baby or hug another child. She will scream, cry, tantrum, and say, “my mama!”

She reacts strongly crying, saying No papa’s chair, even tantrums sometimes to anyone sitting in the quote, “wrong chair,” not our usual place at the table or in the living room.

She spends a lot of her time identifying whose objects belong to whom. “This is papa’s, this is mama’s, this is mine. This is the dog’s.” And where objects go in the house: “Jackets should be hung on hook. Papa’s shoes need to be put back in the closet.”

Daycare and our doctor don’t think her behavior is linked to a medical issue. Still her behavior is more intense than most kids. I would love to have your help in identifying the right balance between reassuring her these behaviors provide her comfort so they are acceptable. Maybe she’s anxious and providing support for her to move out of that phase. Boundaries need to be put in place for her to navigate these situations better. She needs our help to do so.

In some cases, I feel the answer is somewhat obvious. She needs to accept that I’m allowed to sit in papa’s chair, so I will stay firm on this one while acknowledging that she doesn’t like it. On the other hand, it’s probably okay if sleeping with the puppet at daycare provides her comfort and there probably aren’t many consequences if she doesn’t want to share her clothes.

But in other situations, I’m hesitant on where to put boundaries versus letting it go.

There’s now another baby on the way, but for the record, the behavior started months before I got pregnant. So we work daily on describing what that will look like with conversations and books. We’ve also made all necessary transitions now as opposed to after the baby’s arrival so that she hopefully doesn’t associate them with the baby. We moved her crib, her change table, her rocking chair out of her room, for example, and created a brand new quote, “big girl room” that she’s excited about months before the arrival.

I fully expect a challenging transition nonetheless. I’m particularly apprehensive of how she will react to me having the baby in my arms most of the time. And I would like to be equipped with knowledge on how to react with confidence and consistency to help her navigate her new reality at a time where I will most likely not be at my best.

Okay, so again, I’m sensing temperament here. This is called strong willed sometimes, but it’s also sensitivity, right? Those two can go together. This parent says this started as early as one year of age. She cried and screamed when she noticed a younger child wearing one of her sweaters at the park and she wanted her sweater back.

So I have a big question mark. I wonder what the parent did there, because I could imagine a couple of things. Maybe they did give the sweater back, I’m not sure. Another normal thing to do would be to explain to her, “Oh, it’s okay, that’s your sweater, but this other child needs it. This other child’s cold and they didn’t bring their sweater and that’s okay.”

So those would be two instinctive things that many of us would want to do as parents in that situation. For one thing, we’re really thrown by it, right? What the heck is going on here? She’s 11 months and she doesn’t want this other baby to have her sweater. How does she even know that’s her sweater?  It’s interesting. But the way I would actually respond in that moment, and maybe the parent did this, I don’t know, is to say, “Whoa, I’m getting a big reaction here. You don’t want her to wear that sweater. That’s your sweater, that’s right. That’s yours. You usually wear that. Yeah.”

So I would acknowledge the feelings that way, even with this tiny 11 to 12 month old, take her on my lap maybe, and let her share this appalling thing that happened in her mind there, this surprising unpleasant thing. Rather than trying to fix that somehow by either trying to talk her out of it or taking the sweater back.

This is this idea that, that for myself, I had to shift 180 degrees as to what comforting is, what helping a child with their feelings is, what helping a child be more appropriate in situations really is. It’s helping that child to feel safe where they’re at.

I don’t need to change it to make you feel safe. I don’t need you to take that sweater back and I don’t need to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel to make you feel better. I’m helping you feel better because I’m letting you know that wherever you are is safe and okay with me. And it’s not going to change your world. It’s not going to have this power to change your leaders or change the way we respond to you or make us mad at you for being so possessive.

We’re holding those boundaries. In this case, the sweater stays on that little girl and we’re encouraging you to share and comforting you by allowing you to spill it to us.

It’s a reframe, right? And it really applies to all these notes and all these situations that this parent shares.

She says her daughter does not accept that her chair be used by another child. Well, we’ve got to trust the daycare or to do what they need to manage those situations. So we don’t really have power to decide how they manage it. But if I was working at that childcare, I would do just what I’ve said to do about the sweater. I would say, if it’s fully appropriate for that other child to be on her chair, I would say, “Oh no, they’re on that chair with your picture on it. That’s your chair, that’s right. And they’re sitting there right now. Ugh.”

And if I had to do something else and I didn’t have time to take her on my lap and maybe she doesn’t want to be on my lap, of course we have to be open to that too. We’re not trying to fix you and make you calm down by pulling on our lap. We’re just offering you that support in an age appropriate way and temperament appropriate way. Meaning, you might not be the kind of child that wants that. You might want to be really mad right there. But if I had to move or do something, I would say, “come next to me and share with me all the way that we’re going over there how you feel. I want to hear about that.” Or maybe I’d say, “I’ve got to come right back. But you really don’t want her on there. I can’t let you pull her off. I’m not going to let you touch her, but you can tell me.”

The last parent was talking about, “it takes them such a long time to calm down.” It will surprise you how much more quickly children calm down actually when you’re not trying to calm them down. When instead of calming them down, you’re hearing them at full force, acknowledging the strength of their feelings without fear or discomfort coming from us, because we feel safe too.

Getting to that place to feel safe with it, that is a challenge. It’s a huge challenge.

Let’s see, the other one’s here, she said, ‘picks a toy and doesn’t let go of it the entire day.’ I mean, if that’s okay with the daycare, that’s fine, but I wouldn’t be afraid to take it away if that’s not appropriate.

“Does not tolerate that my husband or myself hold another baby or hug another child.” Holding another person’s baby, probably not necessary. And maybe that is cutting a little too close to the core for her. I would be sensitive to that.

“Hugging another child,” that hug finishes and then you can hear her and respond to her. But I would not be afraid.

Reacting strongly to the chair, somebody’s in the wrong chair and having a tantrum, yeah, as this parent said, she, she realizes she needs to stay in the chair. And I would say, “You don’t want me to sit here! You want to be the one to tell us where to sit.” But I would show her by staying where I am that I’m not going to move, and she’s safe to share that with me.

And then this parent said, she spends a lot of time identifying whose objects belong to whom. So that’s a very healthy, appropriate way to be expressing your feeling of wanting a sense of control of your environment. No one’s getting bothered or hurt by her saying, “this is papa’s, this is mama’s, this is mine.” She’s settling herself into what she knows, the predictability of it, where everything is and where she fits in her world. And that is the opposite of unsettling (where some of these other behaviors come from). It’s settling. It’s okay, this is where I am. This is my power in the house as the child, and I know all these things and where everything goes. So that’s an example of healthy expression of wanting that sense of control.

So to answer this parent’s question about identifying the right balance, she needs the boundaries as his parents said. But I wouldn’t give her boundaries just to give her boundaries. I would give her boundaries because you know that this is getting to the point of I just want everyone to sit where I want ’em to sit and do what I want them to do. And that’s where it gets into unhealthy expressions of desire for control that are not her job in the house. They don’t come under the heading of healthy for a two-year-old. That’s where we want to draw those lines and not jump up and try to please her and make her feel, therefore, less settled. Too powerful. Everybody’s intimidated by me. They don’t want me to have a tantrum. They don’t want me to be upset.

It may look calmer on the outside, but it’s that tea kettle again. It’s like holding it all in. That’s an uncomfortable feeling for a child to have.

So this other baby on the way, it sounds like this parent handling it great, giving her a healthy sense of control with the preparation. But as this parent says, she still expects there to be a challenging transition, right? We can’t avoid that because I mean, there’s no preparation that can help a child prepare for all the feelings that will come up for them. And in this case, it’ll be that theme of, whoa, I don’t have control over this situation! So she’s going to be probably flailing around to hold onto those unhealthy places of control, but let her have the healthy ones.

This parent says she’s apprehensive. Well, yeah, I can understand that, but I would try to face the music knowing you can handle this as long as you’re okay with her having these feelings and having tantrums and going through that transition that she’s going to go through emotionally. And the sooner she goes through it, the sooner she’ll be on the other side of it. If you could face that without fear yourself knowing, yeah, she’ll scream and you’ll be wanting to hold the baby and maybe you will have nice, cozy places for the baby to be so you don’t have to be holding the baby all the time because most babies don’t need to be held every single second, maybe you’ll be able to be sensitive that way to the needs of your two-year-old. But when you do, then yeah, you’re going to get feelings coming at you. And the more you can feel safe, and welcome those even, the easier it’ll all be.

Because even in these preparations, if we’re telling her all about this stuff with this apprehension inside, that’s actually going to come through. It’s like when someone’s telling you, “well, it’s going to be like this and it’s all going to be all right. And look, you get to do this and you’re going to have this room…” but inside I’m feeling apprehension. That’s what my child’s gonna pick up.

So as much as you can, think about calming yourself, owning your power as this leader and knowing it is going to be messy. It is going to be a thing, but you’ll be there as a family and you’ll get through it as all families do. No matter what you do, it’s not going to be perfect. It’s gonna be rough.

And then you’ll have these moments where, wow, nobody’s crying right now. What’s going on? Let those be a happy surprise.

This parent says, and she uses all caps when she says, “I would like to be equipped with knowledge on how to react with CONFIDENCE and CONSISTENCY to help her navigate her new reality.” So help her navigate it by encouraging her to navigate it her way with her feelings. Not letting her make the decisions about who does what or who belongs where or what other people are doing, but letting her make her own decisions about herself when it’s appropriate, about her play, about what she wants to talk about, who owns this and that. “And I actually don’t want the baby to be in that bed.”

“Oh gosh, yeah, you don’t want the baby you used to be in that room. That was your room. You don’t want the baby to ever be there.” Or, “you don’t want me to be holding the baby right now.”

So all those normal impulses, consider. We’re still going to do them, we’re still going to have them. But just think about it a little after and maybe try to take a baby step towards shifting.

And this is for all the parents that wrote to me… We’re not going to be able to turn on a dime, but we can turn a corner to a new direction where we remind ourselves, oh, I’m arguing my case instead of not being afraid for her to feel in conflict with my wants for her. That’s the challenge. Letting the feelings be, once again.

I really hope some of this helps. And I also want to share this news with you that you may not have heard…

This whole past year, I’ve been working on the No Bad Kids Master Course. All my years of experience… I’m trying to give you everything!  Probably impossible, but that’s been my goal. I want you to have the whole picture so you can do all this yourself. This course will give you the perspective, the tools, the encouragement. It’s a total of over three-and-a-half hours of video lessons that you can also just listen to and it’s yours to keep. It’s in pre-order now at a huge discount. So please go to my website, janetlansbury.com, or you can go directly to No Bad Kids course.com to check out all the details.

Thank you for listening and all your kind support. We can do this.

Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to send a college care package or surprise your kiddo with a small but thoughtful gift. Sending one of these presents is a way to show your older kids that you love them like crazy this February 14th…and every day.

For more of our best Valentine’s Day gifts, take a look at the Grown and Flown Amazon Shop for our curated list of cute gift ideas at all price points.

Note: We are a reader-supported site and receive compensation from purchases made through some of the links in this post.

Great Valentine Day’s gifts for teens and college students

1. Hot Chocolate on a Stick 

These look so delicious that we might order some for our teens AND some for us, too. Swirl them into hot milk for the perfect cold-weather drink!

2. Custom Pisa Bracelet

The best-selling bracelet on Baublebar is sure to delight any of the teenage girls on your list. It would make a perfect Valentine’s Day gift.

3. Heart Aprons

If you have a baker in your family, getting them this heart apron might be perfect for Valentine’s Day. It is available in both adult and little kid sizes.

4. Valentine’s Lego Set

This 130-piece set would be a great gift for teens who are still active lego players or college students who would love to remember their younger, leg-playing selves.

 

5.Creme de Corps Soy Milk & Honey Whipped Body Butter

Introduce your teen or young adult to one of our favorite skincare lines, Kiehl’s, by gifting them this luxurious body lotion, feels absolutely divine.

6. Ansley Water Resistant Slipper from Ugg

We love Ugg slippers and ours keep our feet toasty warm on even the most frigid winter mornings. Available in multiple colors, we think red would make one of the best Valentine’s gifts.

7. Heart-Shaped Shower Steamer Set

If you like the idea of shower steamers but want something more Valentine’s Day themed, these are also great and so pretty. 

8. Hugabox Valentine’s Day Care Package

We love the care packages from Hugabox not only for the contents but also for the cause that the founder supports.  Ninety percent of all proceeds are donated to childhood cancer research. 

9. Fan Gear 

March Madness 2023 begins on March 12 with Selection Sunday, so send new fan gear for their favorite team from Fanatics, the best place to shop for officially-licensed NCAA merchandise. This is one of the best Valentine’s Day gifts for the college basketball fans in your family.

10. Note to Self Socks 

Help your loved ones put their best foot forward by gifting one, two, five, or even 12 pairs of Notes to Self socks. We love their positive affirmations which can make any day and every day better. For Valentine’s, we’re especially smitten with their heart gift box that includes two pairs: “Beautiful” and “Amazing.”

11. Sorel Winter Carnival Boots

New boots will keep your teens feeling cozy all season long. We like The Sorel Winter Carnival for a stylish option with a great name to boot.

You can conveniently order a pair from Zappos. Who wouldn’t love to dream of going to a winter carnival in them?

12. Kendra Scott New Valentine’s Day Gift Collection

We think any of these beautiful inspired-by-Cupid pieces would make perfect Valentine’s Day gifts. There are gorgeous earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and rings that your daughter would love to wear year-round. Available in sterling silver, and various gold finishes.

13. Leatherology

We love all the amazing leather goods at Leatherology and there are many things that can be personalized if you plan ahead. Passport covers, luggage tags, toiletry bags, totes, wallets, and much more are all here in their Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.

BTW, if your teen or young adult is looking for a gift for a boyfriend or girlfriend, they might find something a great gift here.

14. Lip Balm

Lip balm is especially nice for teens who are in school in cold and dry climates. Jack Black is a favorite brand that is marketed for guys but we think the lip balms are amazing for everyone.

15. Crocs Fuzzy Slippers

Crocs are popular (again?) and these fleece-lined, golden slide crocs have just the right amount of bling that could be perfect for a teen girl with a bold sense of style.

 

 

16. CampusCube Valentine’s Box

If you’re looking to send a treat to your college student this Valentine’s Day, look no further than CampusCube. We’ve teamed up on a custom G&F box that includes a dozen cookies and bars, hot chocolate sticks, and a festive red mug.

Save $5 with code GF5. Be sure to place your order by 1/28 to ensure on-time arrival. Go ahead, send some love with something they will love!

17. FTD for Flowers, Edible Gifts, and More

For over 100 years, FTD has delivered fresh flowers through their extensive network that now numbers over 30,000 floral shops in more than 125 countries. If you want to send flowers or a plant for Valentine’s Day, look no further. But did you know that you can also order chocolates, Mrs. Fields Cookies, these yummy Belgium chocolate-dipped Oreo cookies, and many more gifts from FTD?

18. Big Heart Snap Tote from Minted

Our hearts are melting for this Big Heart Snap Tote from Minted. Adorable style meets affordable function in this 100% cotton bag that can be personalized with a FREE foil-pressed leather tag. This one has your teen’s name on it. Literally.

19. Godiva Chocolates

Need we say more? These chocolates from Godiva would be a wonderful gift for your teen, college student, or anyone who you are shopping for. Chocolates are one of THE classic Valentine’s gifts and Godiva has a wide variety of chocolate candies.

20. Truffle Kit 

If you are looking for an experience gift, consider this truffle-making kit. Ask them to share with you when they’ve finished a batch of these delicious-looking chocolate truffles. Ingredients and recipes are included.

21. 100 Movies Scratch Off Poster

Movie lovers would enjoy scratching off each movie as they see them. This is a fun idea for any of your teens who enjoy watching classic movies as well as newer releases.

22. Glossier Cloud Paint

Glossier is a favorite cosmetics line of many teens and college students and this unique blush, “cloud paint,” is something any girl or young woman would love to try. Available in six shades.

23. Heart Shaped Throw Pillow

This throw pillow is an adorable and cute addition to any bed or couch. Available i from Pottery Barn Teen, one of our favorite shops for bedding, linens and gifts.

24. Heart Pajamas

Adorable PJs, also from Pottery Barn, that your daughter will love to wear year-round. These are made from 100% organic cotton sateen and are machine washable.

25. The Bucket List: 1000 Adventures Big & Small

Here are 1000 adventures for teens and young adults.

26. Subscription Box

Subscription boxes from Cratejoy are available for guys and girls with themes that match all interests. The selection is amazing! Here are the highest-rated subscription boxes from 2021 which is a great place to shop for one of the most original Valentine’s gifts we can think of.

27. Alumni Association

Is your college student looking ahead a few short months toward graduation? One of the longest-lasting perks of being a college graduate is becoming a member of a college or university alumni association. Spring for membership and let them begin to take advantage of privileges that can include discounts, career support, and networking.

28. Baked Goods

Your teen would love to get their favorite cookies or cupcakes with enough to share with roommates or hallmates. NOTHING reminds them of home as much as their favorite treats, with lots of love from home-baked into every bite.

29. Chocolate “Pizza” Heart with Mallet 

And if you’re not in the mood to bake here’s something tasty and fun.

30. Chuck Taylor All-Stars

Celebrate love today and every day with iconic Chucks.

Want to use February 14 as an excuse to give your teen a small gift or send your college student a care package? Here’s our Valentine’s Day Gift Guide with some of our favorite ideas to help you give your teen a little pick-me-up during this winter.

Note: We are a reader-supported site and receive a small amount of compensation from purchases made through some of the links on this page.

Valentine’s Day gift guide (Under $25)

1. Hot Chocolate Bombombs

Hot chocolate “bombombs” became insanely popular last year and often difficult to find. We discovered this package of five from Thoughtfully Gifts. Just drop one in a mug, add warmed milk and watch as the yummy chocolate ball dissolve.

2. Aromatherapy Shower Steamers

Your teen can turn their shower into a spa with one of these aromatherapy tablets. Infused with essential oils, they are available in lavender, eucalyptus, or orange mint.

3. Charlotte Tilbury

Everyone loves this fantastic make-up brand. They’ve won lots of awards and have been featured in Vogue, Forbes, Harper’s Bazaar, and The New York Times among others.

4. Therapy Dough

Modeled after clay used by art therapists, this dough is infused with essential oils for stress relief. It’s fun, stress-relieving, and provides aromatherapy — all things our teens need.

5. Happy Socks With Hearts

These are so fun and so comfortable. What better way to tell someone you love them?

6. Microwave Popcorn Popper

Popping popcorn in a microwave without all the gross chemicals that come in the ready-to-pop bags will make your teen so happy. You do not need oil or butter to pop the corn so the clean-up is a breeze, too.

7. You’re My Person Mug

What a nice reminder for your college student to know that they are your person, for all of time! Fill this cute mug with candy or a gift card to Starbucks for a little extra Valentine’s Day treat.

8. All About Mom and Me: A Journal for Mothers and Daughters

This adorable book can help moms and their preteen daughters become closer by journaling together. There are lighthearted prompts and others that broach more serious topics. You can learn more about this incredibly-talented author and mom of three, Janene Dutt, at her site, I Might Be Funny.

9. Journaling Pens

These pens have been bestsellers on the Amazon and Grown and Flown gift lists and would be a great Valentine’s Day gift for anyone who has a bullet journal or just loves the small luxury of new supplies. Comes in a set of 18 colors.

10. Tiny Love Stories

From the editor of the super-popular “Modern Love” stories of the New York Times, comes this highly-acclaimed volume of 175 stories of love, each under 100 words. These are tales with brevity and love in equal parts.

11. Yoga Mat

We all want to encourage our teens to develop healthy habits and working out in their dorm rooms or apartments can be more comfortable with a mat. Available in several colors, including pink!

12. Game of Phones

This phone game turns their digital sidekicks into a tool for a hilarious scavenger hunt. Perfect to play with friends or family. Draw a prompt card, and see who’s the fastest at creating an emoji masterpiece or showing off the last photo they took. Only the fastest and funniest will survive. 

13. Crazy Aaron’s Liquid Glass

This reminds us of the silly putty of our childhood….the improbable stretchy “liquid glass” will serve them well now as both a toy and stress reducer.

14. Flashing Heart Kit

For something COMPLETELY different, your budding electrical engineer can build this blinking heart.

15. Wallet Ninja 18 in 1 Multi-Purpose Credit Card Size Pocket Tool

You never really know when you are going to need a tool that does absolutely everything — 18 functions, including propping up a phone, and it fits inside a wallet.

16. Tervis Tumbler

We love Tervis Tumblers and their very extensive collegiate collection. Unbreakable and perfect for dorm room use. If your teen has a favorite college basketball team that might have a spot in March Madness, think about getting a Tervis to show support.

17. Bistro Mug

Some days and some Valentine’s Days are just meh.

18. Hearts LOKAI Bracelet

Designed by street artist James Goldcrown, known for his Lovewall murals across the world, this Hearts Lokai bracelet features the universal symbol for love. For every one of these bracelets sold, Lokai will donate $1 to research at the Alzheimer’s Association.®

19. OPI Nail Polish

There are dozens of red nail polishes by one of our favorite brands for manicures, OPI. Add the base and top coats for a gift your daughter would love.

20. Money in a Heart Box

College students can always use a little extra $$$. Think about packing a few bills into an empty candy box. Bad news, no chocolates. Good news, $$$.

More Great Gift Lists

40 Favorite Valentine’s Day Gifts 

In high school, I couldn’t wait to get out of my hometown. I craved something different: a new life where I could start fresh, and meet new people. My plan was to go to college, then move to a different state. When people warned me I might miss my childhood town in New England, and end up coming back I thought, No, that will never be me. 

But it was me. After four years of college, I graduated and moved to the South. I lasted three months before calling my parents and telling them I wanted to come home. I missed my siblings terribly. I missed the cooler weather (something I never thought I would miss) and I found myself getting nostalgic every time I thought about my childhood. 

I now live in the town I grew up in

That was twenty-five years ago and I’ve never contemplated moving since. I live in my childhood town and I’m pretty sure I’ll be here forever. Now that my kids are getting older and on the cusp of moving out and starting a new life I keep remembering my experience.

My youngest keeps talking about moving someplace far away. By that I mean, on the other side of the United States. My daughter claims there’s nothing to do in our state and wants a taste of city life. The closest major city is about three hours away. I am mostly happy for my children and I really do want them to live their own lives.

But, selfishly I’d like them to stay living in the same state as me. (Okay, I’d prefer the same street but I’d settle for the same state.) The thought of not seeing them every day, not getting to have dinner with them most nights of the week, and not being able to be right there when they need me, tears me up inside. 

It tears me up that my teens talk about moving far away from home

I realize this happens all the time. Parents all over the world have young adults who live far away and they go about their lives. But right now, as they sit and talk about being a plane ride away, I can’t digest it and I wonder how I will cope. Just the thought of it makes me feel a bit nauseous. 

What if they don’t come home for the holidays?

How often will I get to see them?

What will my life look like if they live far away? 

Every time I think about it my mind spirals into overdrive and I find myself trying to convince them to stay because envisioning them living far away is too hard. 

I will need to let my teens go when they are ready

I know I will need to figure this out. It’s not as if I have a choice – they are adults and I’ll need to let them go when they are ready. And lately, I’ve realized I need to stop guilting them into staying local just as I need to stop hanging on to the hope that their story will end up like mine.

Letting your kids live their own life can be one of the most difficult things as a parent. We’ve been around for a while so naturally, we feel that we know more than they do. Oftentimes, we think we know what’s best for them. But as they grow and come into their own, we don’t know what the right path is for them; that’s something they need to figure out.

My children aren’t going to live the same life I did because they aren’t me and honestly, they don’t want to be exactly like me. They are my kids, not my possessions.

I am being selfish when I ask my teens to stay nearby

I know that when I chime in with my opinion, I am being selfish. I want their lives to be easy. I want to help them as much as possible. I want to have them close by so I don’t have to feel the discomfort of missing them. None of those things are what’s best for them unless it’s what they want. 

I’m determined to shut my mouth and be supportive of my kids in whatever they want to do, even if it takes them far away from me. I might need some emotional support to get through it all, but I’m certainly going to try. 

More Great Reading:

My Parents Have Always Made My Life Easier

Are you new to Spartanburg, SC? Maybe you’ve lived here a while, but have run out of ideas to keep your family busy? We’ve got a list of no-to-miss fun in Spartanburg for your family to enjoy! This list is also great when you have out-of-town guests this year and you are looking for something to do with them that showcases your hometown!

Head over to the Kidding Around Instagram page to see more of the fun we are having in the Upstate and beyond!

The Kidding Around 2023 Spartanburg Bucket List

Enjoy Some X Game Fun In Spartanburg | Year Round

Let your kids flex their extreme sporting interest at two local spots where access is free, and available year-round. The Hot Spot Skate Park and Vic Bailey Subaru Bike Park can provide your child (and possibly you) with hours of screen-free fun in 2023!

Enjoy one of the Excellent Spring Festivals | Spring

Spartanburg is an excellent place to enjoy a family-friendly Spring festival, and one or more should absolutely be a part of your 2023 bucket list. Your family can enjoy several different festivals from April through June that explore the world, music, food, culture, and just a celebration of the rise of Spring!

Explore The Pacolet River Heritage Trust Preserve | Year Round

The Pacolet River Heritage Trust Preserve is the home to two Native American soapstone quarries. The Native American residents utilized this land between 3000 and 1100 B.C. to obtain material from which they made daily life necessities. The soapstone outcrops are fragile and should not be touched, in order to preserve them for another several thousand years.

Rent A Kayak at Lake Cooley | Summer

Renting a Boat at Lake Cooley is a must-do! This is a yearly tradition for a bunch of local families, and once you go you will understand why. The calm glass-like water of Lake Cooley is the perfect place for first-time paddlers to learn, and who knows you might just decide to buy your own equipment after going!

Explore South Carolina State Parks With Fun Programs | Year Round

The South Carolina State Parks Department offers its own incentive program for families. The nice thing about this program is there’s no time constraint. It takes you as long as it takes. The hardest part is remembering where you last laid down the Ultimate Outsider Guide Book. (Maybe that’s just me) For each State Park you visit, you get a unique stamp in your book, and when you get done, there are prizes! While you’re in the park, don’t forget to ask about the Jr. Ranger program for kids!

Seek Out Some Upstate Art | Year Round

Spartanburg is lucky enough to have art on every corner. You can download the map to tour all the art bulbs or do a Mural Tour of the Upstate. You would not believe how many murals there are in Spartanburg alone! Amazingly, we live in a place that embraces the arts as it does.

Read, Play, Learn, and Make Things with the Library | Year Round

The Spartanburg County Public Library is home to more than books. There are dozens of classes and events offered monthly for all age levels in addition to reading material! Want to learn how to knit? They can help! Want to learn how to make an Elsa-shaped cake and decorate it? Yup, they can help you with that too! The Spark Space Maker Space is unlike anything you’ve seen in a library! (Pro Tip—the downtown Spartanburg library has a small, enclosed playground just outside of the children’s area. It’s perfect when the weather is nice.)

Take An Educational Trip | Year Round

There are places in Spartanburg and beyond filled with things to learn! Here’s our list of educational travel day trips and vacations from the Upstate. We traveled to Charleston and Chattanooga over the summer to study history, science, and English literature. There are so many opportunities to learn when you go someplace, and it doesn’t always require an overnight stay.

Shop Local | Year Round

There are so many locally owned businesses in Spartanburg, SC. Why not support one? Take a few hours, or a whole day, and visit at least one shop. We’ve rounded up a guide to local businesses in Spartanburg for you.

Go Creek Stomping Near Spartanburg | Summer

Creek Stomping in The Upstate is a great way to cool off in the warmer months! Croft State Park has the perfect trail that leads to a spot where you can hang a hammock and splash the day away!

Pick Some Local Strawberries | Year Round

Strawberry Hill USA, is a great place to grab local strawberries! Rows of fresh berries as far as the eye can see have been grown by this local family for generations. They also serve up a juicy burger in the diner on the farm! If it’s the Fall season, Strawberry Hill has a fall event with lots of pumpkins and activities that you don’t want to miss.

If it’s outside of the normal strawberry season and you want some fresh local berries, head to York County, SC. Bush-N-Vine farm grows and offers fresh strawberries nearly 365 days a year, with the help of greenhouses. These delicious berries are definitely worth the drive! While you are there, grab a fresh fruit slushie, and let the kids run around the play area before you head back.

Enjoy the crisp air at one of these Fall festivals | Fall

With the changing seasons comes an excellent break from the humid, summer heat. Explore various cultures, enjoy delicious food, and maybe even fly a kite. Nothing beats the fall festivals in Spartanburg, which offer some excellent family-friendly events to add to your 2023 bucket list!

Take the Kidding Around Holiday Light Tour | December

The Kidding Around Holiday Light Driving Tour has become a part of the Upstate’s family holiday traditions and we are thrilled! This is a great way to enjoy some free fun, that can be spread throughout the month of December.

Months, weeks, days, minutes. It felt like another birth. My stomach even clenched with anticipation. I couldn’t wait for you to arrive.

And then you did. You greeted the dogs first. You met our new puppy, Auggie.

I stood. I watched. I waited.

You finally strode toward me. I hugged you with such intensity. One arm reached around your broad back. The other dabbed at (or dried) my damp cheeks.

My college son’s first homecoming

The Sound of Silence

After the long 12-hour drive, I sensed that you needed silence. What I didn’t realize was that I needed it, too. My brain had become noisy.

So, I slumped on the second step. My shoulders sagged in the stained, soft T-shirt. I didn’t care about the mosquitoes that flew through the open door. Usually, this would bug the heck out of me. I swatted one who gnawed at my calf.

As you, Zoe, and dad unpacked the van, I sat there staring. Processing. Pondering. I don’t think I blinked. I just wanted to soak it in. 

It already seemed I’d missed a lifetime of growth with you. I know that sounds a bit “extra.” But that’s how it felt at the time. 

Before you even said hello, my heart connected with yours. Words weren’t needed.

The Freshman Shift

You have shifted. Your stride is bolder. Your effect is self-assured. I keep imagining peacock feathers fanning behind you.

You look like you don’t want to be here. You are agitated and annoyed. THIS I did not anticipate. To be honest, I thought I’d prepared myself for this moment. But that’s like rehearsing for grief — you just can’t.

I knew it would be different. It should be. A day at college is like a year. The connection, comradery, and community are beyond words.

It was time for you to leave the nest. You were ready, and I was proud of you. I knew this experience would be extraordinary. Your bond with your peers would be like no other freshman class.

Home for the Holidays

And here you are. Home in one piece. Not just healthy but robust and radiant. So why do I feel sad?

Your sister busted me. She spotted another tear trickling down my cheek. She notices everything. I often joke it’s like I live with a human periscope.

How could I explain these emotions to my sixteen-year-old daughter when I didn’t understand them myself?

I felt edgy, irritable, and confused the first few days you were home. I gave you space. I didn’t ask questions. I stifled and swallowed my frustration.

Why Aren’t You Happy to Be Home?

By the end of the week, I grew tired of your James Dean brooding demeanor. I lost it. We rarely fight, and my uncharacteristic combustion shocked me as well.

It was Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. I felt a bit blue because our New York family couldn’t be with us for the first time in decades. The house seemed too empty, too quiet. I can’t remember (nor do I want to) what comment you made. Or maybe it was an eye roll or a nonchalant look? But it was maddening.

Where’s the joy? Why aren’t you happy to be home? What’s going on? These questions began as tiny kernels popped all over my head. And I couldn’t contain myself any longer.

Pointing my finger toward the door, I asked you to go outside with me. I might’ve even raised my voice. I used a few expletives. Honestly, I didn’t recognize myself. Your brown eyes, nearly identical to mine, staring at me in shock.

My Emotional Earthquake

You don’t know what happened after our chat. I collapsed onto the chaise in my bedroom. I wept, wailed, and shook with scary intensity. I journaled in between wiping my nose. I felt melancholy. Dejected. My heart hurt. Where was the joy? You know those “we are reunited, and it feels so good” images that flash on social media and in movies?

Dad asked me to come down and watch the parade. He knows how much I love this silly but sentimental tradition. I flatly said no.

He finally came upstairs. I couldn’t even speak. The aftershocks of this motherhood earthquake surprised me. I told him to please leave me alone. Then my phone dinged, and the downpour ceased. I was depleted. The last thing I wanted to deal with was a stupid text.

I grudgingly grabbed the phone. And I’m so grateful I did. My son texted a heartfelt apology.

We wrote back and forth. We processed. We expressed ourselves honestly. And I finally joined everyone on the brown, weathered couch. I thought about how many memories we’d made in this room. 

The parade was over. And so was my pity party. I watched the parade the next day by myself. Braising the brisket, I grinned as another massive float filled the tv screen. As I did, I thought how ironic that I was alone for the first time in months. 

We needed to recalibrate — our family reset

Tears have been replaced with smiles. We’ve gotten into a groove. We needed to reset and recalibrate. So, we did.

After deep reflection, I realized much of what we envision is not always reality. That’s one of the most apparent lessons I learned: Acceptance of what is (or is not).

I am grateful for my most excellent teachers — my two teens. Parenting them requires me to go inward. They make me a better person.

And to my son…you’ll always be my boy. You made me a mother, and being your mom, through all phases, is my life’s greatest gift and most humbling honor.

More to Read:

College Students Home for the Holidays? If You are Having These 19 Thoughts You are Not Alone

“But, mom!” the living-back-at-home daughter protested. “You have to TELL me these things.”

These include, but are not limited to, extracting long strands of brown wavy hair from the bathroom drain. Curbing her ten-dollar-a-day grapes habit, or at the very least, replacing said fruit.

Completing a cycle of laundry before the mother comes along with the next three loads and angrily folds what has been left in the dryer, because, contrary to popular belief, she’s not mean enough to throw it in a crumpled heap on the daughter’s bedroom floor. Which is precisely where it came from.

As the revolving door on Grove Street opens and closes to my adult offspring, I marvel at how little they know about basic household concepts. Or, in other words, how much I failed to teach them. I take most of the blame. Most. Not all. Because I always had a valid excuse.

When they were growing up, and I was schlepping them from field to field, house to house, school to school, I didn’t have the time. It was so much more efficient to do it myself than to redo what they tried to do.

If I had it to do over, here’s what I would have taught my teens before they left home:

What to teach teens before they leave home

1. I would teach my children that sheets should be changed more than once a year. That toothpaste droolings in the sink are not attractive. And that toilets don’t get cleaned by themselves.

2. I would show them how to lower the shades at night and open them in the morning. Where the outside trashcan is. And how to take the recycling bins to the curb on alternate Tuesdays.

3. I’d explain why it’s not a good idea to leave a plastic bag on the toaster oven when used. Why the dishwasher doesn’t remove burnt-on food byproducts. And why baked potatoes blow up in the microwave if not pierced with a fork.

4. I would teach my children to hand wash the ice cream scooper that says not dishwasher safe and not put the Henckels knives in the dishwasher. Or the cash iron skillets. Or the plastic water bottles on the bottom rack.

5. I’d show them how to water the plants on the porch. How to empty the overflowing mailbox they pass every time they enter the door. How to plunge a toilet. How to tell when cold cuts have gone rancid. And how to use a coaster.

6. I’d explain the reasoning behind bringing deck chair cushions in before it rains. Cutting the grass before the neighbors ask us to. Emptying the (I didn’t even know we had one) dehumidifier before it overflows. Replenishing the milk before it’s all gone.

7. I would teach my children how to use a hanger. How to replace the toilet paper. How to finish a water bottle. And how to vacuum dog hair.

8. I’d show them where the cleaning supplies are kept. Where the car keys are hung. And where the closest Ben & Jerry’s is. Just in case they wanted to pick up some Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream for someone they love.

9. I’d explain the importance of keeping the inside shower curtain in and keeping the outside curtain out. There’s a direct correlation between round-the-clock air conditioning and over-the-top electric bills. That paid-for car insurance, and cell phones, are not God-given rights.

10. I would teach my children that texting to say “I’m alive” with the aforementioned paid-for-by-parent cell phone (because a family plan is so much cheaper) is kind. That saying, “Thanks for all you do, Mumsie,” is sweet. That answering a direct question with a blank stare is not.

I’d do it much differently if I had it to do over. I’d be stricter. I’d be stronger. I’d do what my friend Barbara tells me to do every time she sees me. I’d charge rent starting in middle school.

When I muddle and muse over these many misdoings, misgivings, and misparentings, I can’t help but wonder how the great mothers of the world do it. My soon-to-be 93-year-old mama comes immediately to mind.

And that’s when I laugh.

Because, not all that long ago, she could have written this very same story about my sisters and me.

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