Love is a powerful and addictive feeling. This makes letting go a challenging task. Whether it’s the end of a relationship, unrequited feelings, or holding onto a past that no longer serves us, the act of releasing can be both daunting and liberating.
We’ve curated a list of inspiring quotes by those who have walked a similar path and can offer guidance and solace. Their words remind us of the transformative power of relinquishing attachment, embracing personal growth, and ultimately finding the freedom to move forward.
Content:
1. “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli
2. “When someone you love says goodbye you can stare long and hard at the door they closed and forget to see all the doors God has open in front of you.” ― Shannon L. Alder
3. “Thank God I found the GOOD in goodbye.” – Beyonce Knowles
4. “To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.” – Jack Kornfield
5. “Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever.” – Melva Green
6. “Enjoy what you can and ignore the rest. Let’s not waste any energy fighting things that are outside our control.” – Paulo Coelho
7. “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” – Eckhart Tolle
8. “Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.” – Unknown
9. “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” – Raymond Lindquist
10. “One’s doing well if age improves even slightly one’s capacity to hold on to that vital truism: ‘This too shall pass’.” – Alain de Botton
11. “Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” – Daphne Rose Kingma
12. “Once you realize you deserve a bright future, letting go of your dark past is the best choice you will ever make.” – Roy T. Bennett
13. “Why let go of yesterday? Because yesterday has already let go of you.” – Steve Maraboli
14. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ― Deborah Reber
15. “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” ― C. JoyBell C.
16. “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” ― Mary Manin Morrissey
17. “There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.” ― Shannon L. Alder
18. “Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” ― Mandy Hale
19. “Life moves on and so should we.” ― Spencer Johnson
20. “Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be.” ― C. JoyBell C.
21. “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” ― Robert Brault
22. “The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did.” ― Faraaz Kazi
23. “I realize there’s something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go.” ― Jeffrey McDaniel
24. “There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.” ― Terry Pratchett
25. “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ― Ann Landers
26. “Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger” ― Sara Evans
27. “Dare to live by letting go.” – Tom Althouse
28. “One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.” -Unknown
29. “Time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go.” – Roy T. Bennett
30. “We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
31. “Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu
32. “You only struggle because you’re ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go.” – Drew Gerald
33. “It’s hard to be clear about who you are when you are carrying around a bunch of baggage from the past. I’ve learned to let go and move more quickly into the next place.” – Angelina Jolie
34. “Keeping baggage from the past will leave no room for happiness in the future.” ― Wayne L Misner
35. “Don’t tie your heart to a person that has nothing left to offer you. Let it go. It might hurt for a while, but when you get over it, you’ll see that it’s better.” ― Orebela Gbenga
36. “Don’t waste time thinking about them. If they walked away from your love, they don’t deserve your pain.” ― C.L. Brown
37. “Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, but you didn’t. So you move on.” ― Dominic Riccitello
38. “There’s a weird freedom in letting go of what you lost and looking forward to the possibilities the empty space leaves behind.” ― James Lanman
39. “The answer to every adversity lies in courageously moving forward with faith.”– Edmond Mbiaka
40. “There ain’t no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.” ― Kate DiCamillo
41. “Your time is way too valuable to be wasting on people that can’t accept who you are.” ― TurcoisOminek
42. “Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.” ― Nicole Sobon
43. “Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.”– Cherokee Indian Proverb
44. “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boose
45. “Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day, it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.” ― Tere Arigo
45. The art of letting go is art in its purest form.”– Meredith Pence
46. “We need to learn to let go as easily as we grasp and we will find our hands full and our minds empty.”– Leo F. Buscaglia
47. “Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.”― Katerina Stoykova Klemer
48. “Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energy moving forward together towards an answer.”– Denis Waitley
Divorce is a profound, life-altering experience. The good news is that it is a relatively finite legal universe, while the opportunities for personal empowerment are infinite, depending on your approach. The legal issues you must consider and resolve are limited: property division, alimony/spousal maintenance, and if there are minor children involved, custody, a contact schedule with each parent, and child support. That is it!
So, before you begin divorce proceedings, you might want to take a moment to think about who might be able to help guide you to the best outcome for those discrete issues. One choice is an expensive court-based process that involves adversarial lawyers arguing with each other and then in front of a judge, about your needs and desires. The other is doing it on your own. The latter is a more unconventional choice. Let’s take a closer look at its nuances to help you understand if it’s the right fit for you.
Pro Se – Doing it On Your Own
Pro se means “on your own”— as in, no lawyer, but still operating within the adversarial legal family court system. How adversarial you and your spouse are will depend on the nature of your relationship and the inherent power dynamics. Many people today choose to represent themselves because they may lack the financial resources to retain counsel, or they are scared that the lawyers will cost a fortune and upset the delicate balance they’ve managed to create with their soon-to-be former spouse.
The first thing to keep in mind if you decide to take things into your own hands is that being your own lawyer is not a substitute for actual legal advice. Every state has a different set of laws on divorce, separation, child custody and support, and division of property and alimony.
You will be held to the same standard as lawyers in your jurisdiction when representing yourself. You need to understand the rules and the law, even though you are not a lawyer. You should go online and download your state’s laws on these subjects (or go to your state’s judiciary home page, where perhaps the family law forms and information are available for you to review).
It is important to have a sense of the legal framework in which to discuss these issues with your spouse and know what to expect from your jurisdiction (i.e., the place you live and where your divorce will be legally and formally resolved). Research the law of domestic relations to educate yourself about which factors the courts consider in a custody case, which factors apply to dividing the property and alimony, and how child support is calculated, for example.
What the online forms won’t explain, however, is some of the more subtle nuances for you to consider, or what to do if you can’t agree on the value of an asset, for example, or whether your state is an equitable distribution state, a community property state, or a separate property state. This is where consulting with a family law attorney could help clear up areas of confusion without taking over your case. Some lawyers offer a free half-hour consultation, others offer a more detailed consultation and charge for their time. Decide what you need.
Representing yourself has its pros and cons. On the pro side, it gives you a lot of autonomy and it is the least expensive option. On the con side, you are not a lawyer, and yet you will be expected by the court system to behave as if you were.
Here’s how a typical case moves through the family court system: Where I practice, it starts when someone files a summons and complaint for divorce. One person is the plaintiff and the other, the defendant. It doesn’t matter who files first, and just because you are the defendant in the case, doesn’t mean you are considered the wrong guy or the person at fault. Divorce cases are civil in nature, not criminal. It is just part of the adversarial process that the first one to the courthouse to file the complaint is the “plaintiff,” and the other person is the “defendant.” Being the “defendant” in a divorce does not make you a criminal.
The defendant then must file an answer to the complaint and, usually, a counterclaim for divorce. Once the answer is filed, the case receives a docket number. This number is how the court keeps track of your papers. Everything you send to the court should have the docket number on it, and you must send a copy of anything that you file with the court to the other side.
You may have to attend a court-ordered class or two. In Vermont, if you choose to represent yourself, you are required to take an hour-long pro se education class, and if you have children, you must take a class about helping children cope with the effects of divorce. It is four hours long, you must pay a fee for the class, and it is mandatory. While a parenting class might seem onerous, it can be a helpful reminder to think about the effect divorce is having on your children.
The course is geared toward parenting minor children, but the impact of divorce on older and adult children is also significant. A great resource for the emotional impact of divorce on adult children, is Home Will Never be the Same Again. If your state offers or requires classes, make sure that you sign up early and go together so that you hear the same information at the same time.
If you have completed all the paperwork before filing for divorce, then I recommend having it all reviewed by an attorney before you file it with the court, to avoid any common mistakes that the lawyer could spot quickly. If you file first and negotiate second, then you will likely be required to attend some type of case manager conference. The case manager is there as an early monitor to assess whether you can reach an agreement or whether you will need court time to resolve your dispute, whether it is about custody, temporary possession of the home, temporary support (child and/or spousal), payment of the bills upon separation, etc.
The case manager conference comes up relatively quickly, and some pressure is put upon you to “settle” the issues. (It is safe to say that all family courts across the country are overburdened with cases, the judiciary budgets are insufficient to meet the needs of the people, there are not enough judges or staff, and court time is at a premium. Hence the rise of mandatory mediation. Remember to be kind and patient to court staff.
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Do I Need A Mediator?
Mediation is an excellent idea if you are looking to represent yourself and you feel like it would be good to have someone neutral to facilitate the conversation. This helps to avoid slipping into old habits and patterns of communication that leave you feeling like your head might explode. The presence of a neutral party can help you bring about a peaceful conflict resolution that meets your needs, so long as you know in advance what those needs are. Often mediation is a way to retain a high degree of control over your dispute resolution process at a modest financial cost.
Mediation is most appropriate for a couple on relatively equal footing when it comes to assertiveness and bargaining power. If the dynamic of your marriage was such that you always said yes, or always deferred to whatever your spouse suggested, then mediation (without a lawyer) may not be the best dispute resolution option for you. If you have no idea about the finances of your marital estate because you always deferred to your spouse, then you need to ask yourself, “How much do I trust my spouse’s integrity and honesty to disclose all the financial information and be an accurate reporter of the facts?” If you trust them, then mediation is still a good option.
Done correctly, mediation is an invitation to sit down with your spouse, in a safe and confidential setting, to have a difficult but productive conversation about your divorce. Mediation without lawyers’ presence can be an economical and empowering process. Nonetheless, before sitting down to mediate your divorce, I still strongly encourage you to at least seek the guidance of an experienced family law attorney who supports mediation.
You can’t go wrong looking for lawyers who advertise that they practice Collaborative Divorce and are members of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). This initial contact can help you understand what you can negotiate and what you cannot and guide you to go into the mediation with an idea of reasonableness, rather than learning after the fact that what you just spent hours and emotional energy creating was not in your best long-term interests.
Congratulations! You Are Now Officially Divorced
Assuming you have had success at either the kitchen table, or with a mediator, and you have reached an agreement on all the legal issues, then you will be granted a “no-fault” divorce in accordance with the timeline set out in your state. In a no-fault state, grounds for divorce are usually because you have lived separate and apart for more than six months and it is unlikely that you will resume your marital relationship.
Other grounds for divorce include physical or emotional adultery, intolerable severity, or lunacy. The no-fault ground for divorce is preferable, whenever possible, as generally, no financial advantage accrues to filing under any other grounds – alleging adultery, for example, may make you feel better temporarily by calling out your ex in a public document, but it doesn’t translate into more money.
If you reach an agreement, congratulations. You are done. You will simply be set for a final uncontested hearing to get divorced when the mandatory waiting period has been met. At the hearing, you present the court with your previously agreed-upon settlement, you identify yourselves, and you testify to your residence, marriage, separation, and grounds for the divorce. You get divorced that day or when the judge signs it.
Are you really done? What if you choose to represent yourself, but the communication between you and your spouse is not productive, or there is still too much emotionality? If you are unable to resolve the custody and/or support issues, the case manager will set you up for a status conference with the court. This is a time when you advise the judge of the issues you are fighting about, and you explain how much time you will need for an evidentiary hearing.
You need to think about the amount of time it will take to present your testimony, the testimony of any witnesses, experts, or lay people with knowledge of the fact that you are trying to prove, and have a handle on any documentary evidence that you may want to present. Presenting evidence in court takes practice and is guided by specific rules of evidence.
When you are thinking about divorce, sometimes the court may adjust your status quo at a status conference, even though you were not expecting to have a hearing. This can be an unsettling experience, but it does happen.
An evidentiary hearing is one where you will present evidence. Evidence is your testimony (the words you say under oath in front of the judge), and it may be documentary as well, to confirm what you say or to contradict what the other person says. This is where people often invoke their stereotypes of courtroom TV law shows: You may “object” to testimony that is based upon hearsay (any out-of-court statement offered to prove the truth of the matter asserted).
There are a host of rules about evidence as to what comes in, and what must stay out. It is technical and takes lawyers many years to understand and apply correctly. When you represent yourself, you are held to the same standard of practice as a lawyer, even though you have not gone to law school, all while you are emotionally invested in the outcome of your case. That can be a tough combination.
At a status conference (sometimes called a “calendar call”), a court may inquire whether you have attempted mediation. If you haven’t, then it is likely the court will send you to mediation before you get court time to present your facts, evidence, and arguments. Presenting a custody case, or a division of property/alimony case is not easy for most lawyers, so I can imagine that it will not be easy for you either.
If you are heading to a contested case, I strongly urge you to consult with an attorney to make sure that you are presenting the type of relevant and reliable information the court will need to apply the law to your facts. Understand what to expect from the different options: do-it-yourself, mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigation. Then make an informed choice based on your needs, budget, and interests.
If you asked me to describe my perfect date, it certainly wouldn’t be this: I was precariously hanging off a zip line over a thick rainforest. I looked in vain for my date, but he swooshed to the other side. This was so far out of my comfort zone I could only do one thing – let go and jump. When my heart finally stopped beating, and my legs regained stability, I took a break and whisked off the VR headset. Metaverse dating was quite the ride, and I was already hooked!
If, like me, you are curious about the big, bad world of avatar dating experiences in the Metaverse (or if you would like to know more about the very idea of the Metaverse), read on. From virtual chat rooms to the AI-based dating sphere, find out how the future of virtual dating transforms into Metaverse love for hundreds of people. A lot is happening out there, and you don’t want to miss out.
What Is Metaverse Dating – Everything You Need To Know
Way back in 1992, Neal Stephenson, in his dystopian novel, Snow Crash, first wrote about the Metaverse. Used in much the same way it is today, the Metaverse refers to a shared space in 3D that can be accessed by multiple users across various platforms simultaneously.
Describing the phenomenon, a McKinsey report states, “The Metaverse is the emerging 3-D-enabled digital space that uses virtual reality, augmented reality, and other advanced internet and semiconductor technology to allow people to have lifelike personal and business experiences online.” This report also claims that the Metaverse could increase its value to $5 trillion by 2030. These numbers are too big to pretend otherwise.
The Metaverse is slowly but surely entering all markets. Fashion, business, and at present online dating are being remodeled with new exciting possibilities. Many businesses, from long-distance Web3 dating apps to virtual sex apps, have begun to jump on the Metaverse trend. While it’s not all about space dates and dating, some users consider Metaverse to be an exciting place to meet new people and make new friends (or lovers). Currently, the easiest and most thrilling way to enter a Metaverse relationship is with the help of a VR headset or glasses. Desktop virtual apps are also available, so PC users need not despair.
What Is Metaverse-based dating?
According to reports, there are over 1,500 dating apps currently operating. By 2025, experts predict this market will touch almost ten billion dollars. People are looking for love and are willing to pay big bucks to find their perfect match. As technology develops and AI enters the picture, virtual apps will continue to revolutionize the dating game.
Thanks to dating in the Metaverse, you can now meet up with a potential mate in a matter of minutes, even though they live halfway across the world. The immersive nature of these augmented-reality dating apps has made virtual dating an exciting prospect. You can meet your date for a music concert or at a coffee shop without having to leave your physical surroundings.
How did virtual reality dating become the rage?
One huge factor contributing to the growth of augmented-reality dating apps was Covid. The pandemic changed how we interacted with others and shook the entire dating apple cart. Meeting people in real life was impossible, but the need to reach out and interact was more vital than ever. Social media platforms could only do so much.
Enter virtual reality to the rescue. Long-distance relationships were most people’s default mode, and wholesome dating apps such as virtual chat rooms, video calls, and online celebrations soon became the norm. You could still have a social life without getting dressed and leaving your room. Much like what’s on offer with all the popular VR dating apps today.
So, how does dating work in the Metaverse?
Depending on your app, the Metaverse dating world allows multiple users to interact and share their lives. Some apps allow you to swipe right or choose who you ‘go out’ with, while others suggest perfect matches. Most VR games use online avatars instead of real-life photos and videos.
This maintains people’s safety and security and increases trust among other users. Plus, many fans of Metaverse love insist that it allows them to see the ‘real person’ and not just judge a person based on their looks or status. Future dating trends definitely indicate an uptick in Web3 dating apps.
I won’t lie; some genuine fears are attached to dating in the garb of a virtual avatar. It’s one of the reasons why you do need to look out for others’ safety as well as your own when you go on a date in the Metaverse. But technology is developing rapidly, and apps are busy creating wholesome dating experiences for users.
On Tinder and Hinge, to most viewers, you are the sum total of your profile pic and bio. In the popular Metaverse dating sites, you are a walking, talking online persona with feelings, likes, and dislikes that one is immediately privy to. For sure, having a date in the Metaverse is the next best thing to a traditional meeting. Thanks to technology, you can now truly feel connected. Dating in the metaverse is completely transforming the game of love.
5 Metaverse Dating Apps That Are Disrupting Online Dating
Listen, I get it. It was only a matter of time before the dating world evolved with the times and VR romance games took over. Remember, there was a time when an app to meet people was such a novel thing. We’ve come a long way from a time when a blind date was considered a risky venture. Meeting scores of new people at the click of a button is now the norm.
With the Metaverse taking over our virtual love lives, the process of finding real love is going to get more disruptive. And a new breed of online platform dating apps is now emerging to cater to this evolving need. Let’s look at some of the more popular Metaverse apps currently disrupting the online dating scene:
1. VRChat – A safe, virtual community to find love
A hugely popular virtual reality platform where you can meet and create a community, VRChat is here to stay. The app allows users to easily find people with similar interests and develop relationships through several online activities. One of the plus points of the app is that users are classified according to “trust levels,” so your Metaverse relationship has already “passed the security test”.
As of date, Planet Theta is still in its beta testing phase. However, the good news is that it’s currently free and can be used without a VR headset but with a Steam account. The final version of Planet Theta is expected to launch by the summer of 2023. By then, it will require a VR set-up (currently Quest 2 only), but the developers promise a pc-friendly version as well.
Planet Theta offers you the world. It will immerse you into the world of social VR, where you can meet potential partners, connect with like-minded people, travel all over, plan dates in exotic locales, and many other fantastic possibilities. Planet Theta hopes to create the perfect date game where users feel safe, are engaged, and enjoy the experience by offering a variety of immersive situations to explore.
3. Nevermet – A metaverse for deeper connections
To access the world of Nevermet Metaverse, you will need a VR set and an effective online profile. Once you set up your account, the app works like Tinder. You swipe left or right, depending on whether another profile catches your fancy or not. However, the one thing Nevermet insists on is the use of only virtual profiles. No actual images of yourself can be uploaded on the app. This will lead to immediate removal.
Instead, you create an avatar of yourself and display pictures and videos of this avatar. There is scope for unlimited creativity as your chosen profile includes voice, style, features, and the like. The idea behind creating the Nevermet Metaverse was to change the very basis of the current dating scene. Physical presence and how you look no longer become the sole factor of attraction. The hope is that with apps such as Nevermet, people will move beyond the superficial (i.e. looks) and connect on a more spiritual, fundamental level. Currently, Nevermet can be downloaded for Android and iOS for free.
4. Flirtual – Your virtual matchmaker
Imagine a matchmaker but make it virtual. The Flirtual dating app is designed to help people match with other like-minded souls and couple up – with some help from the app. Once you fill in your details and create your online profile, this VR app will match you with others based on your shared interests.
You are, then, offered several virtual meetup options, such as social events, speed dating, and one-on-one dating. Consider Flirtual your vibe checker, which saves you time and emotional effort. Your virtual world BFF does all the hard work for you.
5. Tinder/Match – Mainstream forays into Metaverse
Match has been revolutionizing the dating field for years now. As one of the front runners in the online dating scene, it’s no surprise that Match also wants a piece of the Metaverse pie. With a new virtual reality dating app in the works, users can expect all the benefits of the old app in a spanking new avatar.
It also goes without saying that since Match owns Tinder, you can soon expect everyone’s favorite “hookup app” to push the boundaries of avatar dating with the entry of the Tinder Metaverse dating platform. PS: The Bumble Metaverse is not too far behind, either.
Key Pointers
One of the significant advantages of Metaverse-based dating is that it can transcend borders. This, in turn, allows singles looking for love a vast new dating pool
As technology improves, the Metaverse connects people in ways that could not have been possible earlier
The apps are working toward offering a secure user experience by setting up safeguards against catfishing and other scams, and authentication is becoming less of a problem. Being a Metaverse girlfriend/boyfriend is only getting safer
The fear of virtual dating is spending too much time online. Virtual addictions are already a problem, and people’s social lives and careers can be at risk. Therefore, explore all you want but remember that genuine risks are involved
For a particular generation of people (and I count myself firmly in this camp), the very idea of virtual dating seems surreal. What about all the “fun” (ahem) parts of dating IRL, such as complicated schedules, conflicting food tastes, battling through crowded bars to meet your date, sharing a real-life hug, and more? There is a tendency to dismiss this new trend of virtual dating. But, and this is a big but… I can also see the charm of meeting someone who won’t judge you based purely on your appearance or sound.
For many people, especially those struggling with social anxiety, those who live in small towns with even smaller dating pools, or youngsters still discovering their own identities, the online world can be a space to explore safely. The virtual world can allow people to feel their best through their online avatars. Regarding the game of love, the level of freedom that dating in the Metaverse offers can be a compelling reason for people to develop authentic connections and be a more confident, easy-going version of themselves.
We’ve been told from a very young age to “play it cool” . . . But as we grow up, we realize that when we feel we need to “play it cool” to keep someone interested, that often means we’re feeling anything but cool . . . and it usually comes from a place of insecurity or a fear of being rejected.
In today’s new video, you’ll learn the best way to increase attraction and investment in a way that doesn’t diminish your value or make you feel like a nuisance simply for stating your needs.
Finally Start Believing in Your Own Worth. Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Virtual Retreat . . . TAP HERE
Matthew:
One of the most common mistakes that people make when they want more with someone is playing it too cool. Have you ever played it too cool? Not asking for things, not wanting to be demanding, not wanting to pester someone because you’re worried that if you do, you will lose your value in their eyes. That your value comes from being chill, indifferent, easy, convenient, and that if you were suddenly to start asking for what you actually want, that person would leave.
Now, before we go any further, because I have a lot of good stuff to say in this video, we want subscribers badly, so we’ll put a subscriber thing, a button, hit that button and hit it now. Be cool, Matty. Be cool. Seriously though, hit the subscribe button or I will not continue.
There’s the famous monologue in the movie, Gone Girl, where she is talking about what it is to be a cool girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the cool girl means I’m a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang, while somehow maintaining a size two. Because cool girls are above all hot, hot, and understanding. Cool girls never get angry. They only smile in a chagrined loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead. Shit on me. I don’t mind. I’m the cool girl.
Now, that monologue struck a chord for good reason because it really explained the feeling of so many women about the impossibility of what they needed to be and represent, which is everything. I need to be everything all of the time. Not only do I need to be everything all of the time, but I need to ask for nothing in return because what that monologue does very, very well is it shows the utter imbalance at the extreme of giving everything, being everything, providing everything, and getting nothing for it. Just being this sort of vessel to be used for the juice to be wrung out of with the guy not having to do anything to earn that. And it’s that part of it that I want to pick up on because I actually believe that real life, real relationships are much more hopeful because there is this hidden secret to attraction psychology that is not revealed in that monologue.
Now, I think that there is this perceived safety in being, I don’t want to just say the cool girl, it could be the cool guy, for anyone who is going into dating with an insecurity that they are not enough or that they have to try to hold onto someone. They have to try to prove their value. Anyone in that situation is susceptible to slipping into the cool girl or the cool guy mask. Because it is a mask, because we don’t feel that cool really. We do care more than we let on. We do want more than we’re telling someone we want and things are pissing us off and upsetting us more than we’re actually saying. But it’s a mask that we put on because we think that that’s what someone wants. It feels safe to do it because it means, A, you’re less likely to reject me if I don’t ask for anything, if I don’t make life difficult for you, if I just please you, which is that typical people-pleaser mindset. As long as I ask for nothing and give you everything, you’ll still want me in your life.
But there’s also this knowledge that if someone does reject us, we can just go, “I wasn’t even really asking for anything anyway, so I wasn’t rejected, I wasn’t asking for anything.” So there’s a lot of protection, or at least what we see as protection and safety in being that. The problem is it’s actually the opposite. It makes us more likely to be taken advantage of either by someone who is oblivious to the fact that we’re giving everything and they’re giving very little in return and just takes us for granted or taken advantage of by someone much more malevolent who sees this as a golden opportunity to manipulate and take advantage of someone who will never ask for anything in return and will just go along with it.
But there is another reason why being the cool, indifferent person, who gives a lot but doesn’t ask for anything is really destructive for attraction. One of the things we have to understand about attraction is that for someone to continue to be attracted, they need to feel like they care. And the psychology of attraction that a lot of people miss is that what makes us care about something is investing in something. That’s actually what makes us care. That’s what makes us want to give more. Investing in something or someone actually makes us invest more. It gives us this momentum.
Me and Jameson found a dog one day in LA. It was by the side of the street and we were very careful not to name this dog because some part of us knew that we took this dog home, we gave it a little . . . That was a mistake when we cut his hair because once we’d give him a little haircut and a wash, we started going . . . We’ve just invested a little bit in this dog. I remember that day thinking, we are not naming this dog. We’re taking it to the vet. We’re going to find out whose it is, and that’s where it will stay or be killed. No, I just want to say it did have a happy ending. It did not get killed because we put out the word on social media and said, “Does anyone want this dog?” And one of our lovely previous Retreat attendees said, “I will take that dog.” So it found a lovely home, but at the time we didn’t want to name it because it was a little bit of investment.
We have to start making this psychology work for us when it comes to our dating lives. We think by never getting someone to invest and by not asking for anything that we’re somehow making ourselves indispensable in their lives. Oh, I’m just showing my value to you, but I’m also not being a nuisance to you. Because if I ask for something, if I tell you what I want, if I make you come to my part of town, if I text you first, I could be perceived as difficult, a nuisance, over the top, too much work, but as long as I hang back, you’ll still want me. But what’s actually happening is this person isn’t getting the experience of investing in you. And that’s what makes us care.
Look at the people who obsess over their cars the most. They’re the ones who actually wash their cars, the ones who tinker with them, the ones who upgrade them. Look at how much that person cares about their car. Compare having your own house that you own to a hotel room you stay in. When you leave a hotel room, do you think, I must leave this in such great condition because I really care about what happens next to this hotel room? Or do you just kind of go, I’m done with it now. I’m going to leave. Whereas the house that you buy, even, if where you live, is a 10th as nice as the hotel room that you rent for a night, you love that house because you invest in it because it’s yours, because you do the upgrades, because you give it love and care and that’s what makes you care about your house.
Why would we think it’s any different with us in dating? The shocking, unexpected truth is that people will care about us more, they will want more with us if we actually get them investing in us. And while that doesn’t mean that someone we just met, we should make huge demands of. It does mean we should pay attention to ourselves and our behavior when the pendulum swings all the way to the other direction because we are afraid, we are insecure. And that is what the cool girl and cool guy mask really is.
So what’s my message in this video? I want us to start becoming a little more brave, a little less cool, a bit more courageous, a little more honest, and a little less reverent, dare I say, in making demands of someone, whether that is something small, and this may not seem like a demand, but being okay with texting someone first because screw it, that’s what you felt like doing. And if they don’t text back or they don’t respond in good time, then fine, you can direct your attention elsewhere, but you’re not going to pretend you’re not interested in texting them just because they haven’t texted you yet. Or demanding that on the next date, it be on your side of town if the last couple of dates were closer to them, or saying what you want in order to invest more.
I want us to become more courageous in these things. And when we’ve spent a lot of our life playing nice, being cool, because those are really two versions of the same thing, right? If I’m really nice to you all the time and I never ask for anything, that’s the sort of fawning version of the same insecurity. Being cool is just I’m insecure, I don’t want to get rejected, but I’m going to wear that as indifference. But I want us to recognize that the only real great relationships are going to come out of us being brave enough to ask for what we want and learning how to communicate that, learning how to calibrate that.
And I want to invite you, if you’d like to, to come and learn that with me because in June I’m going to be running the Virtual Retreat. And for people that feel like, you know what? I don’t uphold my standards. This is where they learn how to do that from two perspectives, both competence and confidence. Competence is knowing how to communicate a standard, is knowing what to do when someone pushes back on that standard. It’s knowing how to hold yourself with confidence and with composure in those moments where you feel the tension of your standard meeting their desire for convenience or to have it exactly the way they want, that doesn’t line up with the way that you want things to be.
Navigating those situations is one of the most amazing skills we can ever learn in life. And once we have it, it’s like a superpower. You know that because you know there are people you admire that are so good at asking for what they want. They’re so good at communicating their standards and they don’t do it in a way that’s aggressive or offensive or difficult. They do it in a way that just feels bold and sexy and like they’re in control and it makes them attractive. That’s the really interesting thing is that when we start being confident in what we want and confident enough to ask for it, it becomes an indicator of our value. So the very fact that we’re confident enough to have a standard and ask for our demands to be met is a thing that makes someone see our value, that makes them see us as attractive. Wow. If they’re confident enough to have that standard, they must have something about them. There must be something to this person. So you can even change the way someone feels about you simply by having a standard that you stick to.
But the other part of what we do on the Virtual Retreat is we help people find their confidence. Competence is knowing how to communicate a standard. Confidence is believing that you are worthy of that standard, is believing that you are going to meet someone who’s going to see that standard and is going to be willing to meet it. Instead of thinking all the time, I’m going to scare them off. They’re not going to want me if I want more or if I ask for more, if I’m difficult. We have these, and a lot of them just come from trauma, come from times in our life where asking too much got us punished or where we learned to placate people in our lives. We learned to do whatever we could to be significant, where we learned to have to vie for someone’s attention, where we didn’t have healthy relationships growing up or in our early dating lives. And so we just never learned what it was to connect to our value in this area.
And what we do on the Virtual Retreat is I actually get you connected to your value because when you’re connected to your value, you can actually do what I’m talking about in this video. You won’t break at the first sign of tension from someone else or at the first sign that someone is starting to back off because that is the worst thing we can possibly do, is the moment someone starts to back away, we break our standard. And I’ve been doing this for 15 years now, and that is something I see many times a day in the people I work with.
So if you want to come and do this with me in June for three days on the Virtual Retreat, this is your chance. And by the way, it’s one of the last chances you’ll get because it’s right around the corner now. And once this is over, there isn’t another Virtual Retreat this year. And if you miss this, then you could be missing out on another year of progress. And I promise you, you can learn all of my dating advice in the world through these YouTube videos, but until you connect to your value and you learn how to stay strong in your standards, in your demands, and learn how to communicate them, nothing will change. And that’s what we do together on the Virtual Retreat. The link is MHVirtualRetreat.com. Come join us over there. I look forward to seeing you. I can’t wait to spend these three days together and let me know what you thought of this video. I’ll see you soon.
When you intentionally or unintentionally hurt your man, you will notice a gradual shift in his behavior. You may spot some verbal and non-verbal signs you really hurt him, but sometimes, it’s hard to tell what a man is going through.
According to research, men are more emotionally affected than women when it comes to the ups and downs of a relationship. Every relationship will experience these problems. But hurting your partner is the last thing you want to do when you love him so much. This is why we are here to help you recognize the signs he’s upset so you can apologize, make amends, and kiss and make up.
15 Tell-Tale Signs You Really Hurt Him
When we care about someone, we want to ensure that we never cause them pain. However, it is inevitable that we will hurt the people we love at some point in our relationships. Whether it is a misunderstanding, a mistake, or a deliberate action, causing them emotional harm can have serious consequences for the health and well-being of your relationship. How do you know if a man is hurt? For starters, he will begin to exhibit behavior that ranges from physically avoiding you to becoming emotionally distant. If you are worried that you may have hurt your partner, it is important to pay attention to the following signs:
1. He hardly talks to you
When a man is hurt by a woman he loves, he generally stops talking or communicating in the previously familiar manner, which is one of the many signs you really hurt him in some way. This type of communication problem show itself in a number of ways, such as:
Avoiding conversations with you
Not interacting with you as much as he usually does
Not sharing his routine with you – what happened on his way back from work, the jokes his friends cracked, the silly things the boss said today, etc.
Not asking you about your routine
If he no longer seems interested in talking to you, this may indicate that your partner is hurt and needs some time to process his feelings.
Making eye contact with others is crucial for connecting and communicating. Avoiding eye contact is one of the major signs a guy is upset with you. According to research, avoiding eye contact denotes a desire to escape. This can be a result of his lack of confidence in you or his fear of opening up to you. It’s crucial to try and have an honest dialogue with your partner about how he’s feeling if you notice that he’s been avoiding eye contact with you.
3. He distances himself from you
Some guys distance themselves in hurtful situations, so If he is distancing himself from you, then it is one of the key signs a guy is upset with you. When a man is hurt by a woman he loves, he might spend more time alone, be less interested in spending time with her or come up with excuses to not be with her. The continuity of this pattern indicates that your actions really hurt him. He could need some space to process his emotions, or he could be acting out of hurt or rage.
Some very obvious signs you really hurt him and he is avoiding you are given below:
Not replying to your texts as much as he used to or as sincerely/expressively as he used to
Not picking up your calls
Canceling plans with you
It’s crucial to respect your partner’s limits and give him the space he requires if he is withdrawing from you. Attempting to have an honest chat with him about how he is feeling and what you can do to help him is equally vital at the same time.
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4. He becomes passive-aggressive
If your partner begins to act in a passive-aggressive manner, then it is possibly a sign that you may have harmed him. This may take the form of insulting remarks, pouting, or small-scale actions that are intended to harm you. People frequently use passive-aggressive digs at family members as a way to vent their rage or frustration without actually confronting the problem. If your partner is behaving in this way, it may be an indication that he is upset and may require your support to process his feelings.
It is in human nature to want to address and take care of someone’s needs when we care about them. If your partner begins to disregard your needs, this may indicate that he is hurt and may not be as committed to the relationship as he once was. He doesn’t care about your welfare like he used to. Here are a few ways he ignores you and your needs:
He prioritizes his own needs/wants over yours every time
He becomes distant or disengaged when you bring up your needs or concerns
He makes you feel guilty or selfish for expressing your needs
He doesn’t make an effort to compromise or find solutions to address your needs
Have an open and sincere discussion with your partner about how you are feeling and what you require from the relationship if he is not addressing your basic needs.
6. You can’t get him to return your calls or messages
It’s totally natural and nothing to be worried about if he doesn’t answer your calls or messages during business hours on a weekday. However, if he constantly ignores them for days on end, it can be a sign that you have seriously hurt him. According to research, men initially may not miss you during their ‘no-contact rule’ phase; but hang tight, they will come back to you eventually. Give him some space.
7. He never appreciates or compliments you anymore
One of the tell-tale signs that you may have hurt him is the absence of any form of appreciation or compliments from him. If you can’t recall the last time he acknowledged you for something you did or told you how good you look when you got dressed up or gave you a sincere compliment for anything at all, it may be a sign that he is feeling hurt or resentful toward you. This could be the result of a recent argument or disagreement, or it could be a deeper issue that has been brewing for a while. In order to fix the relationship, listen to his perspective and apologize if necessary, and work together to find a solution and move forward in a positive direction.
8. He becomes more critical of you
If your partner starts to criticize you more, it can be a sign that he is angry and wounded. If your partner is criticizing you, it’s probable that he is attempting to deal with his own suffering by focusing it on you. Constant criticism is one of the signs you broke his heart. Here’s a list of the ways he may criticize you:
He starts to point out your flaws and mistakes more frequently and becomes less supportive of you
He finds fault in things that he previously overlooked or accepted
He starts to compare you unfavorably to others
He starts to use sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments to criticize you
An overly critical attitude frequently arises from a place of sorrow. Instead of defending yourself, it’s crucial to listen to your partner’s critique and make an effort to comprehend where it’s coming from. But if it turns abusive, please don’t hesitate to stand up for yourself and seek outside help.
A general lack of presence in the relationship even when you’re in the same room or talking to each other
Being defensive
A lack of intimacy and emotional availability
Avoiding commitments
Have an honest conversation about what’s happening if your partner seems to be emotionally drifting away from you, and try to resolve these difficulties together.
10. He stops showing you platonic affection
If your partner stops expressing his affection, this can indicate that he is angry and hurt with you. Every relationship needs affection. Therefore, it might be a warning sign when it starts to wane. This isn’t about sexual intimacy, but about platonic physical affection and light, comforting touches that keep a relationship going.
11. He starts spending more time with family and less time with you
When someone is emotionally struggling, they frequently seek help from their closest friends and family members. It may be a sign that you have seriously upset him. He might be looking to his loved ones for support and direction, or he might simply be looking to distract himself by spending time with friends or others who make him feel comfortable.
When a guy confides in his family members or his loved ones instead of you, when all his quality time is going toward them and hardly any of it is coming your way, it’s one of the signs you really hurt him.
12. He becomes more distant in the bedroom
You may have hurt your partner emotionally if he starts to physically distance himself from you. Showing disinterest in the bedroom is one of the most common signs you hurt his pride in some manner. According to research, sex, intimacy, and emotions have a deeper link than most people think.
When someone is emotionally hurt or angry, they frequently lose interest in intimacy, and this can be especially true if the incident that triggered them occurred in the bedroom. It’s vital to pay attention to any changes in your partner’s behavior, especially if he starts to avoid physical contact or seems uninterested in sex.
13. On the other hand, he might start withdrawing from social activities
According to research, if someone is hurting emotionally, then they usually withdraw from social events or cancel arrangements with friends and relatives. It’s possible that he is merely attempting to avoid encounters with you in social settings, or perhaps he is finding it difficult to manage his emotions publicly. A list of possible reasons behind his withdrawal:
He may be feeling emotionally overwhelmed and needs time alone to process and heal
He may be avoiding social situations where he may see you or where memories of the hurtful event may be triggered
He may be feeling shame or embarrassment about the situation and doesn’t want to be around others where he’ll have to explain himself
He may be struggling to cope with the emotional pain caused by your actions and is withdrawing as a form of self-protection
He may be experiencing anxiety or depression and is withdrawing as a coping mechanism
14. He becomes more sensitive
There is a difference between dating a sensitive man and a man who suddenly becomes sensitive. If your partner is suddenly very sensitive or emotional regarding the most random incidents, then it could be one of the signs you hurt his pride. He can find it difficult to manage his own emotions, or he might be feeling overpowered by the circumstances. In either case, it’s crucial to be sympathetic at this time. Some common ways he may express his increased sensitivity are:
He may express feelings of disappointment, hurt, or frustration more frequently
He may become more easily offended or irritable with you, even though he seems to be his usual self in front of others
He may become more tearful or show a greater range of emotions
He may become more withdrawn or distant
He may become more critical or resentful toward you
He may become more defensive or argumentative
15. He starts lashing out at you
It may be an indication that your partner is wounded or resentful if he starts yelling at you or becomes furious more frequently. This is one of the subtle signs you really hurt him. His anger is rooted in pain and he might be attempting to emotionally remove himself from you. Be careful if this turns abusive in any form. He needs to find a way to express his hurt in a way that’s healthy, and which doesn’t scar you.
This section will provide you with tips on how to fix your relationship after hurting someone. Co-authors of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, researchers Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, break down the six (and a half) steps to great apologies.
They are: a) Say you’re sorry. Not that you “regret,” not that you are “devastated.” b) Say what it is that you’re apologizing for. Be specific. c) Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt. d) Don’t make excuses. e) Say why it won’t happen again. What steps are you taking? f) If it’s relevant, make reparations. And six-and-a-half is ‘listen.’ People want to be heard, let the person have their say.
Now that you’ve recognized the signs you really hurt him, here are some more things you can do to fix the situation:
1. Recognize and validate his emotions
All he really wants is for you to show him that you truly understand him. If someone is hurting emotionally, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying, understanding their emotions should still be your priority. This can help you not only understand them better but understand your relationship better as well. The point is not to come to an agreement. Simply acknowledging their damaged sentiments is the key. The three main points on recognition of emotions are stated below:
Identify: Identify the cause of his emotional distress
Acknowledge: Acknowledge his emotions by listening to him
Validate: Whether you like his response initially or not, validate it before having a discussion about the issue
2. Be accountable for your mistake(s)
McCarthy, the author of the book mentioned above, mentions here that “a bad apology can make things worse.” You don’t want your partner to think you are being irresponsible by trying to shift the blame for your behavior on him or someone else.
Although accepting complete responsibility can be difficult and ego-damaging, doing so will enhance your mutual connection right away. After all, your partner wants reassurance that he’s with someone who can accept responsibility for their mistakes.
3. Show that you are committed to improving yourself
Start making a conscious effort to demonstrate to your partner that you are improving. Once you’ve identified the original reason for the conflict, tell him that you will try not to repeat your mistakes. Some ways that you can improve yourself for your partner are stated below:
To fix a relationship after hurting someone, you must put in all your effort to rectify your mistakes
Apologize where required. Don’t let it be a blanket apology – make it specific
Make amends according to what he needs from you, and not what ‘you’ think should be the next step
For the future, watch out for situations or conversations that might lead to emotional distress for him
4. Ask him what he needs after you’ve hurt him
Every problem has an unmet need underneath it. Ask your partner what he needs instead of assuming it. What must you do to convince him that your regret is sincere? How can you make the relationship better in the future? Inform him that he may be entirely honest with you and that you would make every effort to listen, understand, and make things right.
5. Include more people who can help you make amends with him
You could occasionally require outside help to fix the problem. Think about talking to your closest friends or most reliable relatives. If your partner agrees, you might also want to try relationship counseling. This can assist you in identifying the source of any relationship/marital difficulty you may be having and seek long-term remedies. Including more people will also let your partner see that you’re truly committed to these amends.
Key Pointers
Guys frequently avoid contact with you when they are hurt because they don’t want you to notice them when they are vulnerable or because they need space from you
It is usually best to give your hurt partner some time alone so he can assess his emotions
Identify, validate, and acknowledge his emotions when the time comes for a conversation
His silence is one of the main signs you really hurt him Communication and apologies go a long way in making amends
By the end of this article, you should be able to spot the signs you broke his heart, as well as gather some insights on how to take responsibility for your actions and work to repair the relationship. This may involve apologizing, making amends, and working together to rebuild trust and connection.
FAQs
1. Can a man walk away from a woman he loves?
A. How do you know if a man is hurt beyond repair? When he walks away. Yes, a man can walk away from a woman even if he loves her because love is not everything in a relationship. Factors like disrespect, insecurity, and unhappiness can play a vital role when he decides to walk out. If you keep hurting him continuously, love may not be enough to save the relationship.
2. How do you get a man back after you hurt him?
A. Some easy ways to get your man back after hurting him are by giving him a genuine apology, acknowledging the ways you hurt him and what you could have done instead, giving him some space to think about stuff, working on preventing mistakes in the future, making amends, and assuring him that you will not repeat your mistakes.
Something happens in your 40’s – a series of shifts cause you to do a double take on what actually matters in a partner and in friends.
This may include:
You choose to take care of a sick/aging parent
More and more friends get cancer
You lose someone you love – due to death, mental illness or simply growing apart
You see friends getting divorced
You get an autoimmune disease or some health issue that restricts your old way of life
The generation after you makes fun of how you dress and you question if you’re now “old”
You stop getting hit on
You get the thing you’d been chasing your whole life, only to realize that you’re still not fulfilled
You fixate on zapping every wrinkle in a war to not let your face reveal your age
Whether some or all of these things happen, you realize that your body is no longer invincible, staying healthy can no longer be passive, and the amount of life left to live is becoming shorter and shorter.
You realize that all the stuff you used to think was so important when evaluating someone – how cool they are, how charismatic, how many times they went to Burning Man, how good looking, how rich…
None of that matters.
What matters is someone who will hold your hand while you grieve your parent dying.
What matters is that they see you and love you for your essence, even when you develop a thyroid issue and gain weight from all the meds.
What matters is that they will advocate for you when you are in the hospital and cannot fight for yourself.
Invest in the people who are loyal, kind, generous, supportive and loving. The people who will genuinely be there for you even if/when the superficial qualities you’re valued for, fade.
And don’t forget to be in integrity with those values yourself.
Do you have an emotional relationship outside your marriage? Something that began as a platonic friendship but now has you emotionally invested? Well, you’re not the only one going through the 7 stages of emotional affairs.
Here are some emotional cheating vs physical cheating findings: 15% of married women and 25% of married men confessed they indulged in extramarital sex. But when it comes to emotional infidelity in marriage, the numbers skyrocket. About 35% of women and 45% of men reported indulging in emotional adultery at least once in their marriage. Let’s find out more on what this means.
What is Emotional Infidelity?
On emotional affairs and divorce, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy wrote, “A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships.” If you’re wondering, “Am I having an emotional affair?”, the answer is “YES” if you are:
Sexting with someone/getting aroused from the conversation
Hiding your new friendship with your partner
Confiding in an emotional partner (who isn’t your spouse) for your personal problems
Hanging out alone with someone that you know has a crush on you
Going out (one-on-one) with someone you find attractive that’s not your partner
On emotional affairs and texting, a Reddit user wrote, “If you delete or hide messages/calls from someone, that’s a huge red flag.” But is an emotional affair adultery? Yes! Even if you’re not physically involved with someone, you’re channeling so much emotional energy into this new relationship. You’re neglecting your SO’s emotional/physical needs and even lying to them.
A Reddit user wrote, “Emotional cheating starts in the head. It’s about who comes first. As the one who is cheating, ask yourself who has the first spot in your thoughts everyday. If it’s not your SO, but someone else, it might be cheating.” But why is someone else so irresistible all of a sudden? Here are some possible reasons:
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1. Dissatisfaction with the primary relationship
In a survey, 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated. So, one of you is an emotionally distant spouse. Or you both have started taking each other for granted and the relationship has gotten boring. Here’s why platonic affairs start:
‘Something’ is missing in your relationship but you don’t know what exactly is missing
You know what is missing but are never able to express it in an open, honest, and transparent manner
You have expressed your unmet needs multiple times but the attempts to fix them proved to be unsuccessful
2. Seeking emotional validation elsewhere
The American singer Jessica Simpson confessed in her memoir Open Book that she had an emotional affair with co-star Johnny Knoxville, during her marriage to Nick Lachey. She wrote, “I could share my deepest authentic thoughts with him and he didn’t roll his eyes at me. He actually liked that I was smart and embraced my vulnerabilities.
“First off, we were both married, so this wasn’t going to get physical. But to me, an emotional affair was worse than a physical one. It’s funny, I know, because I had placed such an emphasis on sex by not having it before marriage. After I actually had sex, I understood that the emotional part was what mattered…Johnny and I had that, which seemed far more of a betrayal to my marriage than sex.”
It’s time for some self-reflection. Your attachment style and self-esteem has everything to do with how you navigate relationships. You’re more likely to indulge in emotional adultery if:
Your parents cheated on each other and normalized betrayal for you
You have deep fear of abandonment and hence find ways to avoid intimacy with your SO
Your fantasy world of ‘eternal youth’ helps you escape real life responsibilities
4. Belief that texting is harmless
If you’re an emotional cheater, you divide the world into black and white to justify emotional infidelity in marriage. You view sexual physical affairs as ‘immoral’ and ‘harmless flirting‘ as appropriate. So, you don’t feel guilty and gaslight your partner for being paranoid or jealous. You’re in denial of your shadow side.
5. Need for newness/variety
Psychotherapist Esther Perel emphasizes in her TED talk, “At the heart of an affair lies a longing and yearning for human connection, novelty, freedom, autonomy, sexual intimacy, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves and an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.” So, there could be several reasons behind emotional affairs turning intimate:
You crave for novelty/excitement that’s not possible to get at home
Keeping secrets gives you a false sense of power
You’re tired of being the ‘good’ person; you want to act badly without being bad
The 7 Stages Of An Emotional Affair
Now that we’ve talked about how do emotional affairs start, it’s time to move on to what comes after. The 7 stages of emotional affairs are very subtle. They start innocently and creep into your life. And before realize, they end up creating turmoil in your long-term relationship. Let’s understand these stages of infidelity in greater detail.
1. Friendship
The levels of emotional affairs start with an ‘innocent’ or ‘harmless’ friendship. Emotional affairs and texting go hand-in-hand. During the involvement stage, the conversations are centered around everyday tasks/hobbies. There may be cursory loving talk on social media but it is at a superficial level, with no real sentiment behind it. Here’s how it goes:
A coworker or a dear old friend becomes your confidante
Your text messaging and Facebook interactions may intensify
You feel lucky to have a person who truly ‘gets’ you
You look forward to making them feel special/important
2.The more-than-just-friends stage
On the second stage of cheating, a Reddit user wrote, “Communication: there is excitement, future Affair Partner is described as cocky/bubbly/funny/anything noteworthy, maybe there is the confession of a slight crush, an acceptance that future AP is attractive…”
You share more with this person than with your partner. You are not sleeping together or anything but there’s an underlying sexual tension. Slowly, you start enjoying the faint flirtation. Inappropriate friendships when married was the last thing on your list. But, the line between emotional cheating vs friendship gets thinner and thinner. If you’re wondering, “Am I emotionally cheating?”, think:
Do you often think of your friend?
Do you wait for spending time together?
Do you try to keep your ‘friendship’ a secret?
3. How to tell if it’s an emotional affair? See if you have crossed the cribbing stage
After blurring the lines between emotional cheating vs friendship, staying in constant contact and cribbing becomes the norm in stage 3. Here are the major emotional cheating signs that are not realized by most people involved. You may:
Complain about your partner’s inadequecies
Tell your friend what you want your life to be like
Share secrets and make them the third wheel in your relationship
4. Sexual stage is one of the 7 stages of emotional affairs
The emotional attachment gets deeper. You start noticing personality traits in your ‘friend’ that are missing in your official partner. You feel like being physically intimate in your long-distance emotional affair:
While having sex with your significant other, you fantasize about doing the same with your emotional companion
He/she flirts more and lures with sexual insinuations
You start wearing fragrances and getting gifts for your emotional interest
5. The deciding-for-each-other stage
You skip a social gathering because you and your ’emotional partner’ are an inseparable team now. This level of emotional affair becomes exasperating for your romantic partner because they fail to understand why you are behaving so weirdly and excluding them, like a relationship bully.
How to tell if it’s an emotional affair? Ponder upon some questions:
Do they decide which outfit suits you?
Do you consult them for advice on switching your job?
Do you trust them even more than your gut instincts?
6. Being indifferent to your home life
The emotional involvement has become so profound that you hate your own home now. Your family members disgust you and you feel like escaping your current life. This is the stage when you go through the worst turmoil because you finally acknowledge the lack of emotional connection in your marriage.
You tend to find a home in your extramarital affair. This person is comforting and soothing for your emotional needs and fulfills those just the way you want. You don’t want it to be a lifelong extramarital affair anymore; you want it to be something more. You know that relationships that begin as affairs are too complex but at this point, you don’t really care.
7. The final decision – do emotional affairs turn into love?
This is why emotional affairs and divorce are related. Out of the 7 stages of emotional affairs, this is the stage wherein the desire to leave takes over. You start seeing signs your relationship is beyond repair. It’s very difficult to overcome this without couples counseling.
So, emotional affairs turning intimate could lead to a breakdown of a marriage. A classic example of that is what was shown in the film Lunch Box. The two characters had not even seen each other but they connected so strongly through letters hidden in a lunchbox that the woman wanted to leave home and start a new life with this man who was way older than her. So, do emotional affairs turn into love? Yes, they can.
Sometimes emotional affairs can also fizzle out. There is no guarantee that your emotional affair is going to be the love of your life. But unlike sexual relationships, emotional affairs are stronger and hence last much longer and have more serious consequences. Also, affairs never end well and hence rebuilding trust is not easy…
How To Repair A Relationship After An Emotional Affair
Is getting over an emotional affair possible? Psychologist Nandita Rambhia answers, “Yes. However, fixing the damage done by 7 stages of emotional affairs takes its time. Healing and forgiving require a lot of effort from both partners. It can only happen if both feel a strong need to rebuild love from scratch. If this need is strong, sincere, and honest, the chances of moving ahead are high.”
Even research suggests that re-trusting a partner who has caused emotional trauma – be it through infidelity, lying, dishonesty, or manipulation – requires openness, the intention to cooperate, sharing, and mutual support between partners. With this, we arrive at some golden rules to follow:
1. Cut off connection and contact
Getting over an emotional affair starts with cutting off contact, no questions asked. It might hurt to say goodbye to the person who made you feel happy. But to work on your relationship, you must follow the no-contact rule with the affair partner.
According to the Gottman Repair Checklist, here are some phrases you can use when trying to show accountability for the damage that you caused:
“I really blew that one”
“I can see my part in all this”
“How can I make things better?”
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me”
“I want to be gentler to you right now and I don’t know how”
2. Fall back on your partner
You have your partner to fall back on for emotional dependency. Prepare your mindset. If any aspect of the relationship is troubling you, your partner is the one who needs to know that. Vent all you want but to your partner. Become best friends with them and try to adjust/accept instead of compromise.
Talking about adjustment (instead of unhealthy compromise), the Gottman Repair Checklist mentions a couple of phrases that can help you heal from the pain of the past:
“I agree with part of what you’re saying”
“Let’s find our common ground”
“I never thought of things that way”
“What are your concerns?”
“Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution”
3. Your partner needs to understand
Now is a great time to talk about why you did what you did. If you were dissatisfied with your partner, felt inadequate or unhappy in the relationship, now is the time to talk to your partner about these issues. But your partner needs to know that unnecessary show of anger or resentment toward you won’t help the healing.
It helps to seek guidance from someone more experienced, mature, and non-judgmental. It can be a family member, friend, or professional counselor. If you’re looking for support, our counselors from Bonobology’s panel are just a click away.
4. Talk about the gaps in your relationship
You should talk about the person you were having an emotional affair with. As guilty as that would make you feel and as angry as it might make your partner feel, this is crucial. What are the things that drew you to this person for an emotional affair – was it his empathetic nature or the fact that they were a good listener?
Sort them out. Spell them out for your partner. These were the inadequacies or the gaps in your relationship. As painful as it might be to bring them up, it is essential to talk about it and understand where your relationship was lacking.
5. Write gratitude letters
Looking for tips on how to fix emotional detachment in marriage? Research shows that expressing gratitude increases comfort in relationships. So, reignite the spark in your love life by expressing gratitude regularly. Here are some phrases that you can use to appreciate your partner, according to the Gottman Repair Checklist:
“Thank you for…”
“I understand”
“I love you”
“I am thankful for…”
“This is not your problem. It’s OUR problem”
This is one of the reasons why a strong friendship and intimate connection in the relationship is one of the best antidotes to an affair. Keep working on the marriage. So, what can you do to make your marriage emotional affair proof? As the first step, you can come together as friends and have a relationship based on trust.
Key Pointers
If two married people cheating with each other was normalized growing up, you’re more likely to cheat
The 7 stages of emotional affairs start with talking about personal feelings
If they’re the first person you think about in the morning, it’s not a good sign
Having more than one partner can eventually take a toll on your mental health
Taking time and couples therapy can help you rebuild trust
Thus, love, respect, and support each other. Communicate openly and frequently. Share your feelings, plans, and any issues that you have with each other. Have fun and genuinely get over hurts at the earliest. These are wise ways to deal with infidelity and have a strong marriage where you have emotional connection with your spouse and none else. Have a blissful relationship!
FAQs
1. How long do emotional affairs last?
Emotional affairs are said to last 6 months to three years usually, as per Denise Bartell, PhD, psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. However, emotional affairs are not defined well in the first place. Is texting someone else cheating? One major red flag is sexting/sending nudes. Or sharing vulnerable feelings you would never tell other friends. Maybe this is why human beings get angry the most at this, out of the 9 forms of infidelity in marriage.
2. What is the percentage of emotional affairs that turn physical?
There aren’t many studies on the percentage of emotional affairs that turn physical. But, the chances increase, if you don’t maintain physical boundaries in the 7 stages of emotional affairs. A Reddit user wrote, “With all barriers removed, a consummate knowledge of each others desires, having exchanged nudes and discussed what each other like during sex in detail and being in regular 121 situations all it takes now is a glance or a touch of the leg and it becomes physical.”
3. What are the signs your man is texting another woman?
One thing you need to know is that affairs start with conversation. So, when a man hides his phone, that’s a hint that he has an emotional affair with ex/co-worker. But men who have long-term affairs cover their tracks well. So, look for signs he is emotionally attached to his ex (like him blatantly stating his deep feelings for his ex again and again).
If you’ve worked with me, you know I don’t mess around. I want you off to a fast start on dating: on dating sites, apps, etc. for several reasons.
A new client of mine, Claire, 57, widowed, independent and a successful business woman, was aghast when I told her that I expected her to go on 5 dates in the first two weeks. I spoke to her earlier this week and here’s her story:
“I’m a confident person but was nervous after a 20-year marriage—you wanted me on 5 dates! I haven’t gone on any dates in 3 years since my husband passed and here’s what happened:
· I learned I can still talk about things other than business
· By date 3, my confidence level soared
· This was sort of fun and the men I was meeting I would have never run into in my day-to-day life
· Two were terrific men I’ll see again, the other 3, well, I thought what in the world was I thinking when I chose them?!?
· By date 5, I absolutely knew what I didn’t want”
So, why am I insistent on a fast start?
1. You learn much about yourself!
What you like, what you don’t—and we can quickly screen out the singles in the future that will not be a good match for you. As a 25+ year dating coach, I learn much about you from those first 5 dates—maybe even more than I had on our one-hour Zoom call.
2. Confidence soars.
With online dating, yes, it’s possible to meet 5 singles in 2 weeks. In your day-to-day life, no way. Think of it this way—the first time you picked up a golf club or pickleball paddle, were you confident?
3. You learn what you want.
For this particular client, she learned that she was a pretty adventurous traveler. Two men told her their idea of exciting trips this year were a.) driving cross country and b.) visiting battle sights in the US. I’m absolutely not knocking these—but her idea of travel was trekking the Camino de Santiago in the Fall and visiting the Vatican on a Wednesday for a papal blessing. When she mentioned these two things, both men looked startled.
4. Working vs Retirement
Claire loves what she does and has no intention of stopping until she’s in her late 60’s, early 70’s. Several men were content in retirement babysitting grandchildren. It’s just the case of perhaps right person, wrong time in life. We’ve decided no more retired men for her, with little or no passionate interests or hobbies.
5. Comparisons
5 dates give you a great feel for the different types of singles looking for love or a long-term relationship. Claire commented that had she not known she had a coaching call with me this week, she would have quit the dating site after 2 dates.
Accountability works. Having an objective person who is not your brother or best friend reaps benefits. It also works as a cheerleading mechanism—you have someone knowledgeable on your side making tweaks in your profile, the site you are on, the matches you are selecting for first dates, helping you craft messages that get responses, and making the process much more fun.
I think one of my clients said it much better than I ever could:
“Online dating is like going into an unknown jungle with all kinds of wild animals, dangerous plants, and traps….but also gorgeous flowers, sweet animals and revitalizing pools. Andrea is the no-nonsense safety guide who does the briefing BEFORE you go in and then is also the guide who points out things along the way. Sometimes, she has to pick you up after a bad fall and dust you off. Now, imagine going into the jungle with NO guide or briefing…. no wonder people have horrible experiences!”
4th of July Quotes to Celebrate America’s Birthday
Can you hear that sound? That’s the sound of fireworks popping, barbecue grills sizzling, marching bands playing, and freedom ringing! Here in America, we are all about that red, white, and blue holiday, and we’ve got 55 of the best 4th of July quotes to help you celebrate America’s birthday!
55 inspiring 4th of July quotes.
Whether you’re looking for inspiring Independence Day quotes or Fourth of July captions for the perfect patriotic social media post, we’ve got you covered! Take a look at all of our happy 4th of July 2023 quotes below!
2. “We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.”
— Mark Twain
3. “America is another name for opportunity.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
4. “This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.”
— Elmer Davis
5. “Liberty is the breath of life to nations.”
— George Bernard Shaw
6. “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.”
— William Faulkner
7. “One flag, one land, one heart, one hand, one nation forevermore!”
— Oliver Wendell Holmes
Two women with an American flag enjoy Independence Day quotes.
8. “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”
— Frederick Douglass
9. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.”
— Mark Twain
10. “Patriotism consists not in waving the flag, but in striving that our country shall be righteous as well as strong.”
—James Bryce
11. “I think patriotism is like charity—it begins at home.”
— Henry James
12. “Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all! By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall.”
— John Dickinson
Read inspiring 4th of July quotes about military men and women.
13. “Duty, honor, country. Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be.”
— Gen. Douglas MacArthur
14. “The time is always right to do what is right.”
— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Presidential 4th of July Quotes
15. “Patriotism is easy to understand in America. It means looking out for yourself by looking out for your country.”
―President Calvin Coolidge
16. “In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.”
―PresidentFranklin D. Roosevelt
17. “Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.”
— PresidentJohn F. Kennedy
18. “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.”
— PresidentBill Clinton
These 4th of July quotes honor members of the U.S. military and their families.
19. “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”
— PresidentJohn F. Kennedy
20.“America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination, and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.”
— PresidentHarry S. Truman
21. “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
— PresidentJohn F. Kennedy
22. “Independence Day: freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men, and so it must be daily earned and refreshed—else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die.”
— PresidentDwight D. Eisenhower
23. “Freedom is the open window through which pours the sunlight of the human spirit and human dignity.”
— PresidentHerbert Hoover
24. “I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit.”
— President Theodore Roosevelt
25. “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”
— President Abraham Lincoln
26. “We’re blessed with the opportunity to stand for something, for liberty and fairness. And these are things worth fighting for, worth devoting our lives to.”
— President Ronald Reagan
Read these inspiring 4th of July quotes about freedom and families.
27. “All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”
— President Ronald Reagan
28. “The advancement and diffusion of knowledge is the only guardian of true liberty.”
— President James Madison
29. “The flag is the embodiment, not of sentiment, but of history.”
— President Woodrow Wilson
30.“Here is your country. Cherish these natural wonders, cherish the natural resources, cherish the history and romance as a sacred heritage, for your children and your children’s children. Do not let selfish men or greedy interests skin your country of its beauty, its riches, or its romance.”
— President Theodore Roosevelt
31. “Remember, remember always, that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionists.”
— President Franklin D. Roosevelt
Wholesome 4th of July Quotes
32. “On second thought, I do like to brag … ‘Cause I’m pretty proud of the ragged old flag.”
— Johnny Cash
A young girl stands in a field with the American flag while thinking about wholesome 4th of July quotes.
33. “I believe in America because we have great dreams and because we have the opportunity to make those dreams come true.”
— Wendell Willkie
34. “With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?
— Oscar Wilde
35. “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.”
— John Adams
36. “God Bless America, my home, sweet home.”
— Irving Berlin
37. “Dreams can grow wild born inside an American child.”
— Phil Vassar
38. “No other date on the calendar more potently symbolizes all that our nation stands for than the Fourth of July.”
— Mac Thornberry
39. “The United States is the only country with a known birthday.”
— James G. Blaine
A family watches fireworks and enjoys Independence Day quotes about their freedom.
40. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”
— Erma Bombeck
41. “When you get to know a lot of people, you make a great discovery … It takes all the people—black and white, Catholic, Jewish, and Protestant, recent immigrants and Mayflower descendants—to make up America.”
— Judy Garland
42. “Only in America can someone start with nothing and achieve the American Dream. That’s the greatness of this country.”
— Rafael Cruz
4th of July Quotes: Freedom
43. “So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.”
— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
44. “With freedom comes responsibility.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
A woman waves an American flag and enjoys 4th of July quotes on Independence Day.
45. “May we think of freedom not as the right to do as we please, but the opportunity to do what is right.”
— Peter Marshall
46. “I’d like to be remembered as a person who wanted to be free and wanted other people to be also free.”
— Rosa Parks
47. “The red and white and starry blue is freedom’s shield and hope.”
— John Philip Sousa
48. “Who ever walked behind anyone to freedom? If we can’t go hand in hand, I don’t want to go.”
— Hazel Scott
Enjoy inspiring 4th of July quotes about our liberty and freedom.
49. “Freedom is not won on the battlefields. The chance for freedom is won there. The final battle is won or lost in our hearts and minds.”
— Helen Gahagan Douglas
50. “True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right.”
— Brigham Young
51. “May we never forget our fallen comrades. Freedom isn’t free.”
— Sgt. Major Bill Paxton
52. “I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom.”
— Bob Dylan
53. “Freedom is never given; it is won.”
— A. Philip Randolph
54. “America, to me, is freedom.”
— Willie Nelson
55. “Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.”
— Albert Einstein
An American woman holds flags while celebrating Independence day with wholesome 4th of July quotes.
Aren’t those just the best happy 4th of July 2023 quotes?! We think so! And we hope you found the best Fourth of July captions and Independence Day quotes that perfectly encapsulate what living in the land of the free and the home of the brave means to you!
If you are looking for more 4th of July fun, we’ve got it right here! Take a look at these festive posts:
What girl is considered ideal for a man? Maybe she has a model appearance, refined manners, or high intelligence? Every gentleman chooses a girl according to his taste, and everyone strives to have the best bride… What about Polish girls? You are a really lucky beggar if you are interested in dating these beautiful brides. They look like unearthly angels, their appearance, charm, and manners adorn our planet. In this guide for men who intend to win the most beautiful Slavic girl, we will discuss how these charming brides look. Do you want to meet the most beautiful girls right now? Here you will be convinced that no girls are more beautiful than women from Poland and you no longer want to look at others and doubt your choice. 👌🏻
👨🏻🎓 Some statistical knowledge about Polish brides:
🧐 Type of appearance
Slavic type
👄 Facial features
Straight small nose, pronounced cheekbones, bright eyes, neat lips
👯 Body
Tightened body, model parameters
👩🏼 Hair
Most often blond, less often – brunettes
💪🏻 Sport
67% of girls go in for sports at least 2 times a week
👗 Fashion style
Stylish, elegant, feminine, sexy
💅🏻 Additional beauty procedures
Manicures, pedicures, spa procedures, cosmetology
What Do Polish Women Look Like? Review of a Typical Slavic Bride
If you have already visited the Slavic dating site, you could see profiles of busty Polish women and their beautiful photos on avatars. But what do they really look like? I met them in real life, to be honest, I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Let’s look closer at Polish girls. Shall we? What makes them stand out from other nations?
💋 Style and ability to dress
Polish girls are used to looking to please themselves and it’s no surprise that they enchant everyone around them. As for traditional Polish clothing for women, they really know how to dress with style. Their bows for every day are necessarily feminine and attractive. Elegant dresses, mini skirts, silk blouses, high heels – all these are attributes of the Polish women’s wardrobe. Of course, they can wear such a bow to work in the office or for some kind of event. And to take a walk in the park or with a dog, go on a picnic, they will put on something simpler, but also tasteful and in line with the theme.
💋 Body shape and type
All of them have different physical characteristics of Polish women, some are slimmer, some have a more magnificent bust, some are higher and some are lower. But I can say for sure that most of these girls take care of their bodies, regularly visit gyms and have a sporty Polish women body type. Polish brides are mostly slender, fit sexy women with beautiful body relief. The average height of women is 164 cm, and their weight at the age of 20 is 55 kg. Many Polish girls adorn world fashion magazines thanks to their figures.
One of the pretty Polish girls from Victoriyaclub
💋 Beauty rituals
The culture of Poland is arranged in such a way that girls are taught from childhood to be beautiful princesses, growing up, they take care of themselves and strive to look their best. In addition to their natural unearthly beauty, they maintain their appearance with the help of various beauty procedures. Their hands always look well-groomed, a manicure once a month is an integral part of their life. Shiny hair and beautiful curls also require maintenance. Most beautiful Polish women go to beauty salons and professionally style their hair. The clean, radiant skin of girls is the work of cosmetologists, which Polish women visit about 1-2 times every three months.
💋 Hair and styling
Perfectly smooth, shiny hair is what Polish girls focus on so much. After all, a hairstyle is the main decoration of any girl. Light blonde strands simply captivate all men with their tenderness and brilliance. Among the famous Polish women there are also hot brunettes who beckon with their grace and luxury. So any man can choose the perfect one according to his taste.
Features of Polish Women: Must Have for Men to Know
These incredible girls attract with their sincerity and kindness, they are the embodiment of all those characteristics of the ideal woman that every single man dreams of. Dating them is what you really deserve. What are the characteristics of these ladies?
🧡 They are very ambitious. This is one of the Polish women characteristics. Poles are not just self-confident, but very self-confident: 81% consider themselves extremely attractive. Apparently, the laughing genes of golden-haired, playful great-grandmothers, who easily captivated kings and emperors, are having an effect. Polish girls are ambitious, sometimes overly. You can often hear them talking about themselves using the standard wording: jestem mioda, ambitna, przybojowa, lubie podruie.
🧡 They are very worried about their appearance. Almost no lady leaves the house, even to the store, without makeup, but not everyone admits this. The best praise, in this case, comes from the lips of her master: “Honey, you are so beautiful, even if you do not makeup.”
🧡 They get married at 27. Compared to American girls, these Polish women are committed to serious marriage from an early age. They believe that a successful union and the creation of a family is the main thing in life.
🧡 They are hospitable. All Polish women love guests at home, so they always prepare for it. They cook deliciously and show their character as tolerant and kind-hearted. And this is one of the Polish women traits that Western men appreciate so much.
🧡 They are religious. If you ever visit Poland, you can walk into their historic churches and cathedrals and wonder how many young women will be there. Polish girls often visit such establishments, as they consider them important and special.
What Is Known About Polish Ladies? Polish Women Stereotypes
There are millions of opinions about Polish girls in the world, but which of these is actually true? Since these Slavic girls are quite popular, there are many stereotypes about them.
⛔️ They want to live off their husband
Some Polish and Western men have an opinion that supposedly these ladies do not want to work and are looking for a chosen one in order to stay at home. In fact, this is not so, real Polish women are quite self-sufficient; they strive to build a career and be independent from others. These crazy Polish women will always be able to provide for themselves and their children.
⛔️ They don’t like foreigners
There is also one myth about the fact that single Polish women are somehow biased towards foreigners. Again, I want to dispel this opinion, because it is not true. Basically, all Polish brides, on the contrary, strive to find a Western husband, because they believe that they are more worthy of them.
✅ They are calm and reserved
This stereotype about Polish women is really true. You will never see a woman quarrel and sort things out with someone in the middle of other people in society. These Polish single women are quite restrained and secretive, so they are not used to making their emotions public.
✅ Polish girls fascinate and beckon to their networks
You might think that this is not true, and these women do not pay attention to the fact that men like? I think after reading this article, you will understand that Polish ladies look very attractive to men. If you are ever lucky enough to visit Poland, you will literally be obsessed with them. But succumb to their influence, be attentive and reasonable.
Polish women images: Best single Polish woman on international dating site
✅ They are more educated than Western women
The Poles pay great attention to education. It is appreciated by almost every person who lives in Poland. That’s why older Polish women are really smart, and don’t be surprised if she knows several languages and has 3 higher educations. Studying is more popular among women than among men in Poland. Their goal is self-development and the emergence of future career prospects.
Implementation into Reality: Where to Meet Polish Women?
There are two effective ways to find pretty Polish women: offline and online. You can choose which one is more convenient for you, now we will look at how a single man can get a Polish woman.
✈️ Offline dating
This option for finding a date and romantic adventure is great for those men who prefer dating Polish women seeking American men in real life. Of course, here you have the opportunity to travel and taste the Slavic country and get acquainted with its culture and customs. The most popular and numerous cities are Warsaw, Wroclaw, and Gdansk. There you can definitely meet one of the Polish women singles, which will be your future chosen one. How to start organizing a trip and what is needed for this?
🎟 Buying the tickets in both ways
800 $ – 1000 $
🏩 Booking a room in the hotel
500 $ for 2 weeks
🌮 Considering the food
300 $ for 2 weeks
🚖 Transfer in the city
150 $
🎬 Dates with brides
200$
📲 Online dating
This way to meet Polish girls is the most efficient, fast and cheap. After all, all you need to do to meet a bride is to choose a dating site ➡️ register ➡️ create a profile ➡️ buy a budget subscription ➡️ chat with a Polish bride.
Today, professional dating sites create all the conditions for comfortable dating. With the help of a security system, communication with girls on the platforms is real and legal. And multifunctional services such as video chat, sending photos, Polish women videos, writing emails, and much more make dating with brides effective, interesting, and varied. In addition, the main advantages of using such love-making sites are communication without leaving home and low rates. That is, you do not need to spend a lot of money to find the perfect bride.
✔️ Dating site subscription
200$ – 500$
💭 Additional services
100$
🌹 Virtual gifts
100$
Polish Women Pictures: Ready to Look at Real Brides?
Do you want to feel the pleasure of communicating with Polish brides? They are simply incredible girls with a fanatical pleasant energy that is transferred even through the screen of the device. Let me introduce you to the best Polish brides I have met on the Slavic dating site.
Anya
Anya is a very gentle and romantic girl who loves to enjoy every moment of her life. She is a positive, kind, and sincere Polish lady who loves to communicate with people, she is used to helping everyone and taking care of her loved ones. Anya is a rather calm and homely woman, but fun and an active form of recreation are also present in her life. She goes in for sports and loves cycling and yoga. The bride is looking for a reliable man with whom she could build a future. She wants to build a happy family and live in harmony.
Karina
This cheerful and purposeful Polish woman sincerely believes that she can find her destiny on a dating site. Karina is a wise and self-sufficient woman who wants to love and give her love and affection to her chosen one. She loves an active lifestyle, children, and dancing. The girl is looking for a strong and courageous man who will be her protection and support. Karina believes that care, support, and passion are the main components of strong love. Ready to share happiness with her? Then write her the first SMS right now.
Marta
Marta is a girl who is not afraid of changes in her life. It should be noted that the girl is Polish by nationality, but now she works and lives in the UAE, Dubai. She works as a surgical assistant and appreciates her work very much. The girl believes that sport is an integral part of her life. Marta also works as a model for photo shoots, which brings her great pleasure. Marta is looking for her love, for the sake of her chosen one she is ready to move to another country. For a girl, the main thing is honesty and mutual understanding. Write to her to get to know her better!
👰 Polish Women to Marry: Why Are They Ideal Wives?
All you want to date a Polish girl for is the prospect of marriage and a happy family with her. Why do these alluring ladies rank among the best Polish women for marriage in the world? And why is marriage to a Slavic girl a good idea?
👉 They conquer with their kindness and care. Polish mature Polish women are so loved by men from Western countries because their character distinguishes them from other nations. These girls will always take care of their family, prepare a delicious dinner, and ask how their day has gone.
👉They are exemplary mothers. Since the upbringing of children is one of the main priorities in the life of Polish girls, they devote almost all their attention to it. They raise their children to be smart, educated, and intelligent. Babies grow up in comfort and happiness.
👉They are excellent hosts. Polish women are very responsible in terms of housekeeping, cooking, and other household chores. They are true homemakers. Their homes are always clean and smell delicious homemade food. It is worth noting that almost all Polish girls have culinary skills.
👉They are loyal and loving. This is one of the important Polish women features. I can say for sure that these beautiful women love once and for all their lives. Their love knows no bounds, they don’t even have thoughts about betrayal. So you will always be calm and confident in their honesty and dedication.
Conclusion
Before you will date beautiful Polish women, you should know everything about them. I hope after reading this guide you will dispel all your doubts and heard stereotypes. You deserve to be loved and happy with the best Polish girls. Start getting to know them right now!
FAQ:
Are Polish women beautiful?
You may not doubt the beauty of these incredible Polish ladies. They have a model figure, shiny hair, and blue eyes. All men appreciate the natural beauty of these Slavic women.
What are the characteristics of a Polish woman?
As I said above, Polish women are ideal wives. They are beautiful, caring, delicious cooks and excellent mothers. Try to be sure of it yourself.
How to date a Polish girl?
You can go to Poland, and meet girls in real life in restaurants, clubs, or shopping malls. Also, you can register on a dating site – this is an easy way to get acquainted with many Polish brides.
What is the Polish dating culture like?
There is nothing special about Polish dating culture, all girls love being taken care of by men, go on dates and receive gifts. Do not rush things, have restraint, and be a gentleman.
How tall is the average Polish woman?
The average height of a Polish woman is 160 cm. But there are girls both taller and shorter, so you will definitely find one to your taste.
Tim Denning is a renowned dating expert and coach with over a decade of experience in the field. He has helped countless individuals around the world find love, improve their relationships, and develop the skills and confidence needed to navigate the modern dating scene. Tim’s approach is grounded in honesty, empathy, and a deep understanding of human behavior. He believes that everyone has the potential to find happiness and fulfillment in their romantic lives, and he works tirelessly to help his clients achieve those goals. Whether you’re struggling with online dating, trying to reignite the passion in a long-term relationship, or simply looking to improve your communication skills, Tim Denning is the expert you can trust to guide you towards success.
Sometimes, relationships don’t wither because there is a lack of love between two people. It happens when there is a communication gap, trust issues, and partners don’t know how to revive their love. That’s when it becomes important to find out how to start over in a relationship because you don’t want to lose out on this person you love and adore so much.
Starting fresh in a relationship means determining that you can still make it work, and without committing the same mistakes again that put your relationship in stagnancy in the first place. With a little bit of faith and a lot of effort, you can write a new story with your existing love life. Learn how to start fresh with the help of the following tips.
What Does It Mean To Start A Relationship Over?
Joel Block, Ph.D, psychologist and author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix, says here, “Couples who are struggling are wise to consider therapy early on, since it will only get worse over time and without intervention, will likely end badly.” As per this Forbes article, research shows that relationship counseling positively impacts 70% of people.
Clearly, facing turbulence in relationships is common. The relationship can turn sour because of things like:
Now that we know some of the reasons we might need a fresh start, let’s find out what starting fresh in a relationship really means. It means to be happy in a relationship again by letting go of negativity, unhealthy behavior, and past issues. It means you are willingly and consciously agreeing to give your relationship another chance.
You and your partner have decided to focus on the brighter side by agreeing to work through the problems. You can also start over in a marriage after infidelity if you and your spouse do your best to ensure that the recovery process won’t be one-way. Both of you must put in the energy to revive your love life.
How To Decide If You Want To Start Over In A Relationship
Before you find out how to start over in a broken relationship, find out why you want to do so. You need to be in a healthy emotional state to be able to decide what you want from your partner. Here are some bad reasons for starting over with someone:
You think you will be alone forever if this person leaves you
You can’t start over with someone you love because you selfishly want them in your life, even though they don’t love you back
You can’t start over in a relationship just because you have no other place to go, and you want to continue living with them
It’s one of the relationship red flags if you don’t care deeply about this person but you don’t want to break up either just because they fulfill your sexual and financial needs
You can’t start over in a marriage after infidelity only because you are afraid of what people will think of a broken marriage
On the other hand, your relationship is worth fighting for if:
Both of you sincerely love each other and see a future together
You are ready to meet halfway and talk about expectations
You have forgiven yourself or your partner for betraying or hurting you
You and your partner have taken accountability in the relationship for the things that went wrong and have mutually decided to starting new in the relationship
You genuinely believe there is miscommunication between the two of you that can be fixed
How To Start Over In A Relationship — 13 Tips
New relationship same person — sounds a bit challenging, doesn’t it? But don’t worry. We have compiled a list of things you can do with your partner that will revive your relationship:
1. Practice self-compassion and self-love
Scientific data shows that self-criticism makes humans weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to learn lessons from failures. Studies are finding that there is a far better alternative to self-criticism: self-compassion. Here are some things you can do to be kind to yourself while you navigate this relationship turmoil, even if you’ve caused hurt to your partner in the past:
Avoid negative self-talk. Whenever it happens, replace it with a positive thing about yourself and the efforts you’re making
Don’t make your past actions and judgments your identity
Try to journal your negative thoughts
Set boundaries with people who hurt you, bring you down, and make you question your self-worth
Allow yourself to make mistakes, this self-compassion will extend to your partner too
If you care deeply about your partner, you’ll need to care for yourself too
2. Identify past mistakes in your current relationship
How to start over in a damaged relationship? Try to identify what went wrong. Here are some questions you can answer about your long-term relationship:
Did the two of you have a habit of fighting just to win and prove the other person wrong?
Did you always speak to each other in a condescending way?
Did either of you stop making efforts toward intimacy?
Were they unsupportive of your ambitions?
Did they try to control you or vice-versa?
Was the relationship heavily codependent?
Any of these recurring problems could have caused your relationship to fall apart. Once you find out the mistakes and agree to talk openly about your emotions, you can be happy in a relationship again.
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3. Don’t dwell on past mistakes
You have decided to let go of the negative thoughts and negative feelings. Then what’s the point of dwelling on the things that drove you both apart? Thinking about them makes you feel worse about your relationship even after you have apologized to each other.
When asked on Reddit how to stop dwelling on past mistakes, a user replied, “Accept that you are human and will screw up … sometimes spectacularly. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn something. If you keep making the same mistakes, you haven’t learned the lesson.
“Staying in the present moment helps. I’ve found that not only do I not think of past mistakes while embracing the present moment, I rarely make them while I am focused on the present. Just try making peace with the past. The brain is not our friend. It is only trying to keep us alive on a basic level. We have to train our minds to maintain our perspective.”
4. Stop the blame game right away
According to extensive research conducted by Harvard Business Review, “People who blame others for their mistakes lose status, learn less, and perform worse relative to those who own up to their mistakes.”
You can’t solve your problems and, in fact, make them worse when you don’t stop pointing fingers at each other. Here are some ways you can stop blaming your partner:
Look at the situation from each other’s perspective
Don’t take everything personally
Think about your own actions that have led to this predicament
Recognize that you’re both trying to solve the issue
Try using “I” statements more. For example, say “I feel unloved” instead of saying “You don’t love me anymore”
Tips on how to start over in a relationship
5. Partake in each other’s interests
When you are starting a relationship over as friends, take small steps. Don’t rush into the hot and heavy stuff like moving in together, constantly having sex, or getting engaged. Try to be friends before lovers. Take an interest in the things they like. If they love working out, try going to the gym with them.
If they love watching movies, stay in and watch their favorite movie. Celebrate each other’s hobbies. Take an art class together if they love making art. If you don’t have anything in common and their interests don’t interest you, then find a middle ground. Here are some other things you can do:
Use words of affirmation to remind them that you love them, no matter what
6. Practice compathy
Compassion and empathy are your best friends when you start over with someone you love. The problem with clearing problems and misunderstandings in a relationship is that people sometimes focus more on who was more wrong and how to hold it against them.
Nobody can go back in time to change what happened. Accept and embrace the impact of the hurt and, slowly, let go of it. You’ll need to stop replaying the old story at one point and focus on writing a new one with compassion, empathy, forgiveness, compromise, and positivity.
Why is it that when some think of rekindling love, they think about grand gestures and expensive gifts? This is where they go wrong when starting from scratch in a relationship. Those grand occasions are undoubtedly exciting and fun. However, this doesn’t keep two people together in the long run. Love always lies in the little things. Remember your partner’s meaningful small gestures for you over the years.
Even research backs this theory. In a survey that included over 5,000 participants, it was found that small acts of kindness were greatly valued. Those simple acts were as trivial as making a cup of tea for one’s partner. Gifts like flowers and chocolates were considered less important than the thoughtfulness behind the gesture. The survey also found that simply saying “I love you” helped provide affirming feelings and reassurance that made couples feel more loved and wanted.
8. Set boundaries with your partner
If you want to know how to start over in a broken relationship, then try setting boundaries. Many people assume that setting boundaries is unhealthy but it actually helps you love each other better. Setting boundaries is the best course to find happiness in a relationship again.
Here are some examples on what healthy boundaries look like when you start talking again with the intention of getting back together with your partner:
Spending time with friends and family, or even time by yourself, without your significant other
Not texting/calling/snapchatting/etc. each other every waking minute of the day
Not going through their phone/diary/emails/belongings/etc. Especially when there’s no good reason to be suspicious
Talking to them about major life decisions that impact both of you (i.e. taking a job that would involve relocating, having a child or more children, or marriage)
Giving each other space when needed, to deal with problems and bad moods
9. Don’t involve others in your relationship
If you let other people inside, you will only weaken the foundations of your relationship. It will also break your partner’s trust when you tell your private affairs to the world.
A relationship is about two people only. Avoid talking about your relationship drama with others who have nothing to do with your relationship, except when you need guidance from a trusted friend/family member on a recurring issue. However, it’s important to note that you should get help immediately when your romantic relationship is physically or mentally abusive.
10. Keep your demands on the table
Here is how to start over in a relationship — be precise about your wants and needs. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Let it all out. Talk about your negative thoughts and the things you are expecting from them when you are trying to revive a relationship.
Do you want more time and attention from your partner? State it clearly. Do you want them to stop criticizing you constantly? Let them know that these criticisms hurt you and your self-esteem. Do you want your partner to join support groups for their alcoholism? Tell them that you can’t see them suffering and that it’s affecting your bond severely. Demand what you want, gently.
11. Support each other in achieving goals
Ever heard of the phrase “grow together and glow together”? That’s exactly what you need to do when you are trying to start over with someone you love. Many couples fail to support their loved ones and try to undermine their goals and ambitions. Don’t be that person.
Their goals and dreams may not be relatable to you but they mean a great deal to them. It’s what gives their life a purpose and meaning. Stand by them and even if you can’t do anything to help them achieve their dreams, just use some positive words of affirmation and encourage them throughout their journey.
12. Express appreciation when they change for the better
When you have decided to move forward and let the conflicts stay in the past, then you need to acknowledge their new changes. If you sense them changing even a little bit for the better, then appreciate that. You can even thank them for trying to become a more understanding partner and for growing along with you in the relationship.
According to research, expressing appreciation toward one another increases mutual regard and comfort in voicing relationship concerns. This helps both parties express their thoughts and perspectives freely in a comfortable setting.
13. Follow the three C’s for a healthy relationship
When you are trying to find out how to start over a turbulent relationship, inculcate these three C’s in your dynamic. Communication will help you and your partner avoid misunderstandings. Compromise will build the relationship stronger and will help you value each other. Commitment is all about letting your partner know that you will be there for them in sickness and health, and through thick and thin.
Key Pointers
Starting over in a relationship means letting go of the feelings of mistrust, negativity, and resentment
You can try starting a relationship over as friends where the two of you can spend quality time together and go on date nights
Don’t start over a relationship just because you can’t see them with anyone else, or for the fear of being alone, or because you are jealous that they will move on before you
You can start a relationship over by having healthy communication and by learning how to trust without inhibitions
A state of happiness is important in a relationship. If you aren’t happy with them, it’s time to find out how to start over in a relationship or to let go of them. Both of you should be willing to compromise, communicate, and be willing to accept that no relationship or human is perfect. It’s all about finding peace in each other’s chaos.
FAQs
1. Is it okay to ever start over in a relationship?
It’s absolutely okay to start over in a relationship if you genuinely love them and can’t stand the thought of being without them. If you know in your soul that they make you a better person and that the two of you are perfect for one another, then go ahead and try to find contentment in a relationship again.
2. Does starting over in a relationship ever work?
It can only work when both the partners are willing to do their share of the work. You can’t be the only one putting in your all or vice-versa. This is a major red flag and soon you will realize you are sacrificing a lot to keep this person in your life. Relationships, especially starting over in one, should be 50-50.
3. Can you start over in a relationship?
Yes, you can. You can start over if you genuinely see a happy future with them. If you believe you are meant to be, then try to let go of the past. However, don’t start a relationship if you think you won’t find anyone better than them.
Have you ever listened to a problem that a family member or friend was sharing and immediately started giving them ideas for what they should do to make the situation better? “Read this book,” “Take this supplement,” “Buy this course,” “Get more exercise,” “Drink more water,” and on and on it goes. The person listening to you acknowledges your suggestions, leaves the conversation, and never takes your advice. Your suggestions may be beneficial, but they fall short.
How about sharing your own experience when you hear about another person’s difficult situation? Hoping it will help, you quickly tell your story relating to the current struggle. While the story may have merit, it puts the focus on you and takes the focus off the person sharing who just needed a listening ear and some encouragement.
Your desire to help and support those you care about is rooted in love, compassion, and empathy. It’s difficult to see your friends and family walk through hard things. However, it’s important to understand the limitations of your role in addressing the problems and struggles of others. You can better navigate these situations by focusing on active listening, self-reflection, respecting personal journeys, and relying on God’s wisdom and sovereignty.
In your human-ness, you cannot fix anyone else’s problems or struggles, and here’s why:
1. Listening Should Be Your First Response
In your eagerness to assist, you may jump into fix-it mode before truly hearing the full story. There is immense power in being an attentive listener. Sometimes, all someone needs is a listening ear and an empathetic heart.
By refraining from imposing your own ideas and stories, you can create a safe space where others feel heard and valued. This involves deeper listening to truly hear, not just surface listening to respond, and this is a rare gift to the other person.
Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that speaking before truly listening is unwise and leads to shame. Instead, let’s practice being quick to listen and slow to speak, recognizing that sometimes the best thing we can offer is our undivided attention and encouragement.
2. You Have Limitations
While your intentions may be genuine, it’s important to recognize that you cannot fix someone else’s problems or struggles. You must avoid coming across as judgmental or condescending by assuming you know what is best for someone else.
Instead of attempting to fix another person, you can humbly acknowledge that you have your own areas of growth and challenges to navigate. Matthew 7:3 warns against focusing on the speck in your brother’s eye while ignoring the plank in your own.
You can redirect your focus inward on yourself. By cultivating self-awareness and striving for personal growth, you become a living example of the transformation you desire to see in others.
3. The Situation Is Complex
Each person and their issues are complex, and rarely is there a simple, one-size-fits-all solution. It’s vital to acknowledge that you do not possess all of the information needed to offer a comprehensive solution.
The only person who knows all of the details about the situation at hand is the person dealing with the situation. Consequently, they are the best person equipped to find a solution.
Rather than providing quick fixes, you can be curious and ask thoughtful questions that help your friend or family member explore various possibilities to discover a resolution. This empowers them to find their own way with God’s guidance.
In being curious and asking questions, you create an environment of trust and collaboration that allows for deeper exploration and growth.
4. You Must Honor Others’ Personal Growth
God created each one of us with free will and the capacity to make our own choices. Every individual is on a unique journey of personal growth and transformation. While it may be tempting to bear the burdens of others, you must respect their path and allow them the opportunity to learn, make mistakes, grow, and mature.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each person must bear their own load. Instead of trying to fix someone else, you can offer your support through prayer and genuine empathy. Trusting in God’s sovereignty, you can release your desire to control the situation and allow His perfect plan to unfold.
5. You Must Honor God’s Sovereignty
You must remember that you are not God. He has a purpose and plan for everything that occurs in your life and the lives of others. When you feel compelled to intervene, you can surrender the person and their situation to God, trusting Him to work in ways beyond your comprehension.
His plans are always good, even when you can’t see that now. Think about how much you care about the person you want to rescue from their pain. Remember that God loves them more than you do. This always helps me when one of my adult children is having a hard time, and I start to get caught in fix-it mom mode.
As humans, we have limitations. We cannot change another person or situation. God is the only one who can bring lasting transformation to any person or situation.
Exodus 14:14 reassures you that “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” You can rest in this promise and let God be God.
It’s in moments of surrender that you can experience a profound sense of peace and faith. By acknowledging your limitations and placing your trust in God, you invite His wisdom and power to work in the lives of those you care about.
In your journey as a Christian, it’s essential to recognize and respect the boundaries of your role in helping others.
What would happen if you did not quickly try to fix other people’s problems? What would happen if you asked a few questions instead of offering a quick-fix solution? What would happen if you really listened when others were sharing their struggles?
James 1:19 tells us that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak.
What can you do instead of trying to fix a person or situation?
While you can’t fix someone else, you can support and encourage them through prayer and offering a listening ear. By learning to be an attentive listener, you create a safe space for others to share their hearts and find solace in being heard.
Offering encouragement and understanding can foster a deeper connection with others and demonstrates Christ’s love in a tangible way. Our role is to point others to God and His transformative power. Trusting in God’s sovereignty and understanding that change and growth are ultimately in His hands can provide comfort in challenging situations.
Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own actions, and until they take ownership of what needs to be done to move forward, there’s nothing you can say or do that will affect change or growth in their life.
Position yourself as a mom, spouse, friend, or family member who desires to understand the struggle that your family and friends are experiencing. Learn to ask good, clarifying questions that help them explore how they feel, verbally process, and formulate their next steps around the situation they are facing.
This is the best gift that you can give another person–to truly listen to them and walk alongside them as they walk through hard seasons. May you be known as a person who listens with compassion, trusts in God’s plan, and offers unwavering support.
Every new relationship begins with a promise of love, intimacy and affection. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors – new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love?
If you’re living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you won’t know what you need to work on.
With the help of psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage and family counseling, let’s unravel the reasons behind why there’s no intimacy in your marriage from your wife, so you can ascertain the difference between an unloving wife or one who has subliminally been trying to send you a message.
Is Your Wife Not Interested In Intimacy?
“My wife avoids intimacy” — a vast majority of married men live with this nagging feeling, sometimes for years on end. So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to “get them in the mood,” others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere.
However, whenever one spouse withdraws from the other, there is always a risk of your marriage being almost over. This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. But, you must remember that this rejection of your sexual advances is often triggered by some underlying reasons.
“In most cases, I’ve seen that men don’t realize and acknowledge the needs of their wives. That can happen because of a lack of communication, a lack of understanding or just misinterpreting what their spouse is thinking. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out,” says Gopa.
Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse.
So, before you start saying things like, “My wife never touches me anymore,” and misunderstand the problem that you’re actually facing, it’s vital that you try to focus more on why your wife never initiates physical contact.
The first step toward addressing this oft-tricky issue is to understand why your wife is acting distant and avoiding being intimate with you. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. The sooner you understand what it is you’re going through, the quicker you’ll be able to address it. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wife’s lack of interest in intimacy.
1. If your wife is avoiding sex, the emotional connect is missing
For most women, sexual desire is fueled by romantic feelings for their partner. If your wife avoids intimacy constantly, paying attention to the emotional bond you share with her may be a good starting point.
It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex.
“If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know there’s something going on. Invariably, it’s a case of emotional intimacy missing. There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments.
“In my experience as a marriage counselor, I’ve seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. But for women, it’s quite different. If they’ve been fighting the whole day, physical intimacy is the last thing on their mind. The wife never initiates physical contact if she’s unhappy with the strength of the relationship,” says Gopa.
A lack of emotional connection can make it hard for women to establish physical intimacy, even with their own life partner. Therefore, building and maintaining an emotional rapport is extremely essential not just for a robust sex life but also for the overall health of the relationship.
The emotional connect is missing
2. Sex is routine and monotonous
This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. We received a relationship query from a man who wanted to spice things up with his wife of 29 years, but was struggling to make headway because of the spouse’s inhibitions. He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship, but she simply wouldn’t open up. Our experts helped them improve their sex life by advising a bit more spontaneity.
It’s no secret that sex after marriage tends to become monotonous, especially if neither partner makes an effort to keep the fire of passion burning. If your sex life is devoid of experimenting with new sexual positions, role play, dressing up, creating a sensual ambiance, there’s a chance that the same sexual routine has become boring and tiresome for your wife and she has started avoiding all physical contact.
Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, “What to do when wife won’t put out?” ask your partner if they’d like to experience something different in bed.
Couples can even have a thriving sex life during their 40s, if they wish to do so. The first step is to communicate with your partner about what you think you might be lacking.
A woman who feels that she’s living with a man who can’t regain her trust after cheating will most certainly have problems connecting with him on an emotional as well as physical level. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyze where you may have gone wrong or why you feel like she cannot trust you again.
Gopa explains how having a partner who has severe trust issues can also be the reason why there’s no intimacy in marriage from the wife. “The gender doesn’t matter here, but if you have trust issues, it’s eventually going to lead to resentment. If she’s got a spouse who is extremely suspicious, she’s not going to feel trusted or respected. How is she even going to want to have a relationship?”
In other cases, it can also be if you’ve betrayed her trust in the past. “My wife avoids spending time with me.” If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself – was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesn’t know about?
Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasn’t spoken about it?The distance could be her way of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. If that’s the case, try to build a successful relationship after cheating; own up to your mistakes, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and assure her that it’s all in the past. Perhaps, some counseling might even help.
4. She is genuinely exhausted
“The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. She’s taking care of the house and she’s working as well. After all of that, the thought of intimacy at night becomes almost like another chore,” says Gopa.
“When women say that they’re exhausted, men can often take it as a personal rejection without realizing that she woke up at 5 a.m. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep!” she adds.
Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. Juggling household and professional responsibilities single-handedly is no easy feat. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex. From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex.
In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile to reduce her burden.
You can clearly see that she is overworked and avoids intimacy. It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some “me-time.” Pamper her with a spa day or take her out on a nice vacation for two, to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves.
5. When your partner won’t touch you, there could be infidelity involved
If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. It is one of the classic signs of a cheating wife and if your gut tells you something’s up, it may be worth investigating it a bit further.
“When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, it’s possible that it could signal an affair. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy,” says Gopa. Adding, “However, just because your wife avoids physical contact doesn’t necessarily mean there’s bound to be infidelity involved. As I mentioned before, the lack of physical contact can be due to a myriad of reasons.”
On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. In case you have nothing to hide, work on communication exercises with your partner to be able to tell her that there is no need for trust issues.
However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because she’s having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. The aftermath of an affair is never easy for a marriage, but if life has thrown you this curveball, you’ve got to learn to deal with it. There is simply no point in brushing the problem under the carpet.
6. Your wife has become conscious of her body
Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses.
“Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. I had a few clients who had a baby and found it difficult to start getting physically intimate with their spouses again because they’re not comfortable with their bodies,” says Gopa.
“If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. If you put her down and belittle her confidence, you can’t hide behind something like, ‘My wife rejects me all the time’,” she adds.
She doesn’t like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. Help her through this transition and ensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through.
Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think she’s as beautiful as the day when you first met her.
7. Family problems may be troubling her
Women’s inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex.
“When a woman has to live with her in-laws, it’s a major change from the way she had been living before. She needs someone to act as a buffer, to provide support and not make it seem like she’s in it alone. When the support isn’t there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. In other cases, when the in-laws are constantly meddling the resentment may make it seem like you have an unloving wife but she’s actually just frustrated at the lack of privacy,” says Gopa.
You can help by mediating such issues or chalking a way out of the problem together, to restore her peace of mind and bring back the passion in your bedroom.
Think back to the time when you were dating. In all likelihood, you went the extra mile to dress up for her, look good, smell good and stay groomed in anticipation of getting some action.
If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. You can’t really blame her, can you?
Sometimes, the answer to, “My wife rejects me all the time and I don’t know why,” can be the simple fact that you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there.
9. Depression or mental health issues
An underlying, undetected mental health issue can affect sex drive. For example, depression, as well as the medication used to manage it, can take a toll on one’s libido. Gopa explains how such mental health issues can affect your physical intimacy. “Obviously, if a person is feeling low and they’re feeling depressed, they’re not going to want to interact with others, they’re going to want to isolate themselves. In most cases, I’ve seen that when one partner is depressed, after a period of time, the other starts to feel depressed as well.
“When your partner won’t touch you, it’s important to take a look at any mental health issues that may be affecting them.” In such cases, it is imperative to get the right kind of help and hold your wife’s hand through this extremely challenging journey. The sexual spark will return when she emerges out of it, stronger and healthier.
If there’s no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you’ve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for.
10. Underlying medical problems
Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive.
Gynecological conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, PCOD, uterine fibroids and pelvic pain can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. If you think your wife avoids intimacy because of an underlying condition, it’s best to seek medical help at the earliest.
11. The kids have become a priority
Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. This can lead to her becoming physically and emotionally distant in the marriage.
“My wife never touches me anymore after we’ve had our child,” Greg told us. “Since this is our first child, I don’t even know what’s normal and what isn’t. Friends and family say there’s going to be a decrease in libido, but it’s been almost a whole year since she has even initiated anything,” he added.
If that’s the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps she’ll understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife.
12. When your wife avoids physical contact, it could be because of resentment
“If there’s resentment in the marriage, it’s bound to manifest itself in a sexless marriage. I had a client recently who was so angry at her spouse, she said she didn’t want to have any physical intimacy with her husband, “If he wants to get divorced, let him get divorced,” she said. When there’s a disconnect and communication gaps that lead to resentment, the hostility will make itself apparent in some way or the other,” says Gopa.
Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. It’s easy to see why such discord will eventually manifest itself in the bedroom. Instead of focusing on harmful sentiments like, “What to do when wife won’t put out?” try to work on the issues you two are having.
13. You are not catering to her sexual needs
If the sex is all about you, it’s no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. Remember it’s never too late to start. Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish!
Sex is not just about giving what you get, it’s about an experience that both partners should enjoy equally. Take time to learn about the secrets of sex all women wish men knew, learn your way around her body and plan a special evening together.
14. You are unable to give her time
You may have become so engrossed in your work or friends that you just don’t spend quality time with your wife. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too.
You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things.
15. She may be coping with baby blues
Postpartum depression can be difficult
Childbirth is a life-altering experience that’s not just hard on a woman’s body but also her mind. Almost all new moms experience what is medically described as the baby blues – a sudden feeling of sadness after giving birth, coupled with mood swings and irritability, among other symptoms.
In some cases, this can escalate into postpartum depression, which is a common reason why many women experience a lack of sexual desire after childbirth. Gopa explains how it can be detrimental to your physical intimacy. “Most women who go through postpartum depression also find it increasingly difficult to get physically involved. Not getting the right treatment, not knowing how to deal with depression and then having the pressure to get into physical intimacy is not a good mix. “
A woman’s lack of interest in physical intimacy can be quite an intriguing puzzle to solve. While some of the underlying factors can be weeded out with the right approach and mindset, others can be more damaging to the entire relationship. Whatever the case, do your best and work with your wife to restore that spark in your marriage. Don’t hold it against her. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy and work through your issues together, as a team. Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact.
In a Christian home, family devotion is vital. It is a time when family members gather together to worship God, study His Word, pray for one another, and encourage each other with faith. For believers, family devotion is not only a duty but a privilege and a blessing, as it strengthens the bond of love and unity among the family members and helps them grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The Bible teaches us that God has instituted the family as the basic unit of society. And He has given parents the responsibility to train their children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). Therefore, parents can fulfill their God-given role as teachers and good examples for their children through family devotions.
By worshiping God as a family, you demonstrate that you belong to Him and that He is your highest priority. This practice also shows that your home is not conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of your minds (Romans 12:2). Family devotion also serves as a testimony to the world of the reality and power of the gospel. If done right, family devotion can serve as a means of witnessing to neighbors, friends, relatives, and others who may observe or hear about it. It may even lead some to seek the Lord and His salvation.
Unlike what most people might think, family devotion is not a burden but a joy. It is not a legalistic ritual but a spontaneous expression of love and gratitude to God. It is a creative opportunity to connect with God and each other and can be done at any time of the day, in any place, and in any way that suits the family’s needs. The important thing is that the family devotes time regularly to honoring God.
Family devotion is a precious gift from God; it is a means of grace and growth for every Christian home. It serves as a source of peace and comfort in times of trouble and a fountain of joy and hope in times of despair. It is a treasure that we should cherish and guard with all our hearts.
Your Role as Parents in Family Devotion
Devotion acts as a method of strengthening the links of love and solidarity among family members while also growing in faith, so the Christian parents’ roles as spiritual leaders in the family are critical.
Parents have the responsibility and privilege of leading their children in the ways of the Lord and modeling a godly lifestyle for them. As a Christian parent, you are the major spiritual instructor and influence in your children’s lives. You have the chance to inculcate in your children a love for God and His Word, respect for His presence, a passion for His purpose, and a desire to do what He says. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 reminds us, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”
You have the ability and power to encourage spiritual talents in your offspring. You must pray for the protection, guidance, healing, and prosperity of your children. You may give encouragement to your children, as well as reveal God’s promises to them. You may even lay hands on them to receive the anointing and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, it is your ultimate goal to make family devotion a priority and a habit by designating a certain time and location for it. You may choose resources and ways for family devotion that are suited to your children’s ages and interests. It is also important for parents to make family devotion pleasant and engaging by including their kids in the planning and participation.
Learn to share your experiences and testimonies with other families and encourage them to do the same. This may encourage them to join or start family groups that gather regularly for family devotion and encourage one another on their spiritual path.
Benefits of Family Devotion
Regular devotion time together is one of the most satisfying and joyful activities a Christian family can participate in. It is an excellent method to develop the bonds of love, trust, and faith among household members while also growing closer to God as a family unit.
Here are some of the advantages of family devotions and why Christians must make them a priority:
Family devotions allow you to study and apply God’s Word to real-life circumstances. Families may acquire knowledge, insight, and direction from God’s Word by reading and debating it together and then applying it to their personal and family difficulties. It may also assist families in memorizing and reflecting on significant Scriptures that will encourage and inspire them throughout the day.
Family devotions develop a prayer and worship culture in the home, during which families may express their gratitude and needs to God by praying and thanking Him together and feeling His presence and peace in their midst. Family devotions may also assist families in interceding for one another, family, friends, neighbors, the church, and the world. Praying and worshiping together may help enhance the family’s love and regard for God and foster a desire to honor Him in all they do.
Family devotion also boosts each family member’s spiritual growth and development. They may assist each other in their knowledge, understanding, and connection with God through spending time with God together. It also helps parents model and teach their children how to follow Jesus, live according to His will, and share His love with others. Family devotions may also assist kids in developing a personal faith and a virtuous character that will benefit them throughout their lives.
Psalm 133:1 says, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” Family devotions ultimately help families develop a strong sense of togetherness, identity, and purpose as a God-honoring family. They may experience the gifts of God’s grace, love, and power in their connections with Him and with each other by making family devotions a priority and a routine in their homes.
Practical Tips for Family Devotions
A wonderful way for a Christian family to develop faith and love is through family devotion. Though devotions can be difficult to keep up with, here are some helpful suggestions to make your family devotions more enjoyable:
Pick a regular time and location. Your family may prioritize devotions and stay focused by following a pattern. Whether it’s early in the morning, just after supper, or right before bed, find a time that works for everyone. Choose a calm, comfortable location, like the living room, dining room, or lawn.
Make use of various resources. There are numerous books, software programs, websites, and podcasts that you can use to give your family devotional content. Use your Bible, hymnal, or prayer book if you choose. Use different resources for various days to vary things. This can maintain your family’s interest and involvement.
Include all parties. Family devotions involve more than just the parents leading and the kids following. Everyone is welcome to take part and make contributions in various ways. You can alternate between reading the Scripture passage, picking a piece of music, sharing thoughts, asking questions, and praying aloud. Additionally, you can designate roles like leader, reader, prayer leader, or singer.
Be adaptable and imaginative. Family rituals don’t have to be strict or monotonous. You can modify them to fit the requirements of your household. Depending on your schedule and attention span, you can make them shorter or longer. Through the use of games, crafts, activities, or stories, you can also make them entertaining and engaging.
Concentrate on the main idea. Family devotions shouldn’t be treated as a lesson or test. They are intended to assist your family in learning more about God and His Word and practical ways to incorporate truth into your daily lives. Avoid getting caught up in the minutiae or disagreements. Keep your attention on the passage’s or lesson’s major topic and how it applies to your family.
Be transparent and truthful. Family devotions provide a secure forum for communication between members of your family and with God. Be open and honest about your difficulties, your uncertainties, and concerns, as well as your compliments and requests. Encourage one another to listen respectfully and communicate truthfully.
Pray for one another. Family devotions are a fantastic time for everyone to pray for one another. You can offer prayers for the members’ individual needs or requests and for general blessings or direction. Outside your family, you can also pray for missionaries, friends, and relatives. Praying for one another can deepen your relationship and demonstrate your concern.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
The rise of the internet and social media has introduced unprecedented challenges into our lives. The issues range from addiction to poor time management, from skewed work-life balance to chronic backaches. Another aspect of our life the internet has infiltrated is our romantic relationships and the issue of social media cheating.
While traditional forms of cheating were primarily associated with physical intimacy, social media has expanded the possibilities of betrayal. Emotional affairs take place through DMs, through intimate exchanges of photos or videos, and even by forming deep connections with strangers online. This has begun to redefine the boundaries of fidelity and trust within relationships, making it difficult to navigate through blurred lines.
In this article, we look at the expanse of the problem at hand and find out how to deal with it. By the end of the article, you should have answers to questions like:
Is Facebook flirting cheating? My girlfriend is on it all the time
Is it normal for your boyfriend to look at other woman on Instagram?
My husband compliments other woman on social media? Is it considered cheating?
What should I do if I find out my wife has a virtual affair?
What Is Social Media Cheating
Social media cheating or internet cheating is exactly what it sounds like. It is an act of engaging in romantic or sexual interactions with someone other than one’s partner through various social media platforms. According to the findings of the Pew Research Center, Over 72% of the American population is a social media user. As per another study by OOSGA, as of 2022, on average there are about 470.1 million active social media users in India on a monthly basis with an annual growth rate of 4.2 % in 2021-22.
These numbers are only increasing, directly affecting the numbers on social media cheating statistics. If dating sites for married people are to vouch for anything it is this. But, has infidelity merely converted from physical cheating to digital infidelity, or have the overall cases just increased? And more importantly, what is it about social media that makes it so easy to cheat over? The thing is:
Accessibility: Social media platforms provide the possibility to interact with many more people in much less time, with much more ease (just a click of a button), than it would ever be possible to do in real life
Privacy: It’s a fertile ground for individuals to create hidden online identities, allowing them to engage in shady behavior
Anonymity: Moreover, anonymity on the internet allows even reserved and introverted people to feel confident about approaching other people
Now, it is important to note that blaming social media for trust issues in your relationship is not a healthy approach. SM is not inherently responsible for cheating. It is the choices and actions of individuals that lead to infidelity. Understanding the dynamics and impact of online affairs can help individuals and couples navigate the complexities of digital relationships. But the real work towards building trust and maintaining healthy partnerships goes much deeper than avoiding SM platforms.
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What is considered cheating on social media?
The most common questions people struggling with this issue face, look something like this:
Is looking at pictures cheating?
is sending pictures cheating?
Is saving pictures cheating?
Is acting single on social media cheating?
Is online flirting considered cheating?
Is deleting messages considered cheating?
If he hides you on social media, is your boyfriend cheating on you?
Are all these signs of micro-cheating?
The point is, there is a lot of self-doubt people have when it comes to being cheated on, and a lot of leeway people wish to take when they are presented with an opportunity to cheat. Which is why so much confusion around things that are considered cheating.
If you paid attention to what is considered cheating in a relationship – offline or online – you would know that even if you are literally not having a physical connection with someone other than your partner, you are engaging in a behavior that you wish to hide from them, breaking several tenets of a healthy relationship: communication, honesty, and trust. You are engaging in emotional infidelity. Then there is another question, “is online cheating really cheating?” We would like to reiterate what we just mentioned. Cheating is cheating, even if it is online
We know now how the accessibility, privacy, and anonymity of the internet can simply provide you with the opportunity to cheat, making it easier to engage in digital infidelity. We are no longer limited to a friend’s friend, or your partner’s acquaintance, or a coworker. Literally, the entire world is at your finger tips when it comes to interacting over social media.
But social media and cheating do not need to go hand in hand. Let us look at social media habits that simply increase the chances of engaging in adulterous behavior online which you should strictly try to avoid. You don’t want to be caught red-handed hurting your partner, because cheaters exposed on social media face harrowing ordeals.
1. Excessive time spent on social media
This is probably the most obvious but crucial piece of advice. Social media effects on relationship might not always be directly related to infidelity. But spending excessive amounts of time on social media can lead to neglect of one’s partner and relationship, creating an opportunity for emotional connections with others.
2. Engaging in secretive online behavior
Engaging in secretive behaviors such as using private messaging apps, deleting chat histories, deleting search history, deleting text messages, changing passwords, or hiding online interactions from a partner can be a red flag for potential social media infidelity. If you are feeling the need to hide your activities from your spouse, it is clear that something is amiss, such as a lack of affection and intimacy. You need to talk to your spouse right away or else you will slowly inch your way toward internet cheating.
3. Flirty or inappropriate online interactions
Engaging in flirty or sexually suggestive conversations with others on social media platforms can blur the lines of fidelity and open the door to emotional or physical infidelity. This may include responding to, liking, commenting, saving, sharing, and engaging in any way with suggestive pictures or posts, or other similar social media flirting signs. Such behavior can easily be clubbed under micro-flirting and can eventually lead to adulterous behavior.
Creating multiple social media accounts, especially ones that are kept hidden from a partner, can indicate a desire for secretive connections or interactions with others. Having fake profiles or fake accounts on FB is one of the most common Facebook cheating signs your partner can catch you red-handed with.
5. Seeking validation from people online
Relying on social media interactions with strangers or exes for validation, compliments, or emotional support can create a sense of emotional distance within a relationship and pave the way for emotional infidelity. Many people end up reconnecting with an ex online to see how well (or not) they have been doing to secretly feel good about themselves. This is unhealthy behavior to say the least and makes you feel stuck in the past.
6. Following or liking inappropriate content
Consistently following or liking explicit or provocative content on social media platforms may indicate a desire for sexual stimulation outside of the committed relationship, and is one of the most prevalent social media flirting signs. While you may think you are not yet engaging in adulterous behavior, you are not far from it.
Keeping active dating profiles on dating sites while being in a committed relationship is a clear indication of seeking potential romantic or sexual connections outside of the partnership. It couldn’t get clearer than this, that you are tipping toward inappropriate behavior that may hurt your partner and your relationship if it were to come out in the open.
8. Sharing intimate or personal details
Sharing intimate or personal details about the relationship with strangers or online acquaintances can breach the trust and privacy within the partnership and lay the tombstone of emotional cheating. That married man you met online who totally gets how monotonous married life can get, and who you tell how your partner arrived home tired once again last night, is not just an opportunity for you to vent. You are creating emotional intimacy with this person without the knowledge of your spouse and hence are engaging in emotional cheating.
9. Ignoring real life relationship boundaries in the virtual world
Social media boundaries in relationships are usually very specific to social media usage. But before that, normal healthy relationship boundaries can work as a guide to how to behave online. Disregarding agreed-upon boundaries or crossing the line between platonic and romantic interactions on social media is not much different than doing so in the real world. Cozying up with someone online or bad-mouthing your partner to someone else over Insta DM is Instagram cheating! After all, these behaviors can create emotional connections that may evolve into infidelity.
Trampling of social media boundaries can lead to a virtual affair
How To Spot Social Media Cheating In Your Relationship?
Looking for signs your girlfriend is cheating on social media, or reasons to believe your boyfriend has a secret relationship online? No one here is booking a hotel room you can send your private investigator to, to fetch you intimate photos from. Then, how do you spot signs of an online affair and are they any different from signs of cheating? This is how:
1. Notice changes in social media usage patterns
Pay attention to any significant changes in your partner’s social media habits. A social media cheating spouse will become secretive about their online activities, spend excessive amounts of time on social media, or consistently prioritize their virtual interactions over quality time with you. A sudden change in the way they spend time online could be a sign of potential social media infidelity.
2. Look for hidden or secondary social media accounts
Check if your partner maintains multiple social media accounts that they keep hidden from you. Having secret profiles or using aliases can indicate a desire to engage in deceptive or illicit online interactions without your knowledge. This behavior indicates a clear connection between social media and infidelity.
3. Observe flirtatious or inappropriate interactions
Be vigilant for any flirty or sexually suggestive comments, messages, or interactions your partner engages in with others on social media. If you notice consistent patterns of inappropriate behavior, such as liking provocative posts or engaging in explicit conversations, or cheating text message codes, these may be a warning sign of internet infidelity.
Even coming across non-suggestive interaction that suggests that your partner is bonding with someone else online while growing distant from you, can hit you in the stomach. This indicates emotional intimacy which ideally your partner should be sharing with you. Here is an emotional affair texting example:
Sender: I have been looking at my phone all day long, waiting for your reaction to this!
Recipient: Lol. Why?
Sender: I don’t know. May be coz you get me?!
Recipient: Haha. I know! I feel the same way.
Sender: I mean, we are alike in more ways than one.
Pay attention to changes in your partner’s emotional availability and openness. If they become emotionally distant, secretive about their online interactions, or reluctant to share their social media activities with you, it could indicate that they are fostering emotional connections with others outside the relationship. A growing lack of emotional connection in your own relationship can also indicate toward the same thing.
5. Trust your gut instincts and intuition
You always don’t need literal signs your girlfriend is cheating on social media. If there is one thing you can rely on, it’s your gut. Intuition can be a powerful indicator of potential social media infidelity. If you have a persistent feeling that something is amiss or that your partner is being unfaithful through social media, it is crucial to trust your instincts. Validate your concerns by gathering evidence and having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your suspicions.
Remember, while these signs can raise suspicions, they do not guarantee that an online affair is taking place. It is essential to approach the situation with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to work through any issues that may be affecting the relationship. If you find something fishy, it is essential to address this discovery with open communication and clear the air. A deeper understanding of your partner’s motives and behaviors, can resolve any misunderstanding, if there is.
How To Deal with Social Media Cheating? 5 Tips
Discovering that a social media affair is happening in your relationship can be a challenging situation to navigate and can make you question what has been lacking in your relationship. While there could be underlying issues, social media and infidelity, unfortunately, go together for chronic cheaters. Merely the opportunity to cheat, or getting attention, or the lure of quenching boredom can draw many people to the act.
Dealing with social media and infidelity is not different than any case of infidelity in a relationship. Here are five tips on how to deal with it:
1. Confront the issue directly
Once you have observed Facebook cheating signs or suspect Snapchat cheating, it is crucial to address the issue directly with your partner. Initiate an open and honest conversation about your concerns, expressing how their behavior on social media has affected you and the relationship. Listen with an open mind. Maybe this has to do with a difference in value system, commitment levels, or understanding of infidelity. Talking openly can help bring you both on the same page.
2. Assess the relationship
Take time to reflect on the overall health of the relationship. Evaluate whether internet infidelity is indicative of deeper issues within the partnership. Consider factors such as trust, communication, and emotional connection. Assess whether both partners are willing to work towards rebuilding trust and addressing the underlying relationship problems.
3. Establish clear boundaries
Set clear boundaries regarding social media usage and behavior within the relationship. Discuss clear cut expectations, such as what is considered appropriate and inappropriate online interactions. Talk among yourself and see if you are both on the same page. Is following an NSFW account on Reddit, Reddit cheating? Is liking an old post of an ex considered Instagram cheating? Establishing social media boundaries in relationships can help rebuild trust and provide a framework for healthy digital behavior moving forward.
Educate yourself about internet cheating and the impact of social media on relationships. Research articles, studies, and resources by relationship experts on social media and cheating to gain insight into the topic. You may also consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and help you navigate the complexities of the situation. Should you need to consult a relationship expert, Bonobology’s panel of counselors is here to help you.
5. Focus on healing and growth
Rebuilding trust takes time and effort from both partners. It is essential to prioritize healing and growth as individuals and as a couple. Engage in open and honest communication, attend couples therapy if needed, and invest in activities that promote emotional connection and trust-building. Remember that healing is a process, and it is essential to have patience and commitment during this journey.
Key Pointers
Social media cheating is becoming more and more prevalent
If you are developing physical or emotional intimacy with anyone other than yoru partner without their consent, be it online or offline, you are engaging in infidelity
Online affairs often start with exes looking up each other on social media. An urge to connect with an old flame can quickly escalate to an emotional or physical affair
Social media also gives you a chance to connect with countless like-minded people, increasing the likelihood of cheating
Even if there is no cheating yet, secretive social media activity can trigger insecurity and trust issues in a relationship
As technology continues to shape our lives, it becomes crucial to recognize the potential risks and have open conversations about boundaries and expectations within relationships. By fostering communication, consent, trust, and mutual respect, we can navigate the complexities of social media and preserve the foundations of committed healthy loving relationships.
FAQs
1. What is considered cheating on social media?
Social media cheating is everything from sending heart emojis to an ex-flame online, texting them all day, sending fire emojis to their Instagram stories, and then, actually making plans to meet them. No matter how harmless it might seem in one’s head, it is indeed a tricky path to go down.
2. Is online infidelity cheating?
Absolutely. Social media infidelity is a standalone phenomenon, but at the end of the day, if it is something that is happening without your partner’s consent, it would hurt your spouse and is considered cheating.
Life is finite but love is infinite. Love outlives us all. It lives on in the past even when two people have moved on. When someone loves you, their world revolves around you. They will want to fetch the stars for you, they will effortlessly bring out the best in you and themselves.
According to research, hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin are the reason that you feel a surge of positive emotions when you are attracted to someone. That’s why your happiness knows no bounds when you are around them. They make you feel stronger. They make you feel like you could achieve anything you desire in this world. But how do you know someone loves you genuinely? We bring you all the signs someone is in love with you to add more clarity to your love life.
18 Surefire Signs Someone Loves You With All Their Heart
If you are wondering whether the person you are seeing loves you or is just faking it, you have come to the right place. We have listed below all the signs someone loves you deeply.
1. Notice how they look at you
One of the first things that happens when you fall in love with someone is that you want to keep gazing at them. You want to notice how their lips twitch when they are listening to their favorite songs. You want to notice how their body language changes when they talk about the things they love. You just want to keep looking at them.
Eye contact attraction is very real. The way someone looks at you when they love you will be completely different from the gaze of someone who doesn’t love you. Here are some of the things the former will do differently:
They will lock their eyes with you for a longer period of time
They will stare at you when you aren’t looking. And when you catch them staring at you, they won’t look away
Their eyes will smile when they look at you
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2. Their body language is different around you
Body language is yet another sign that will let you know about a person’s feelings and intentions. Even if their lips hesitate to confess their feelings, their body language will speak volumes:
They will give you longer hugs. According to a study, longer hugs were found to give people an immediate pleasure boost as compared to shorter ones lasting for a second
They will mirror you
They will angle their body toward you
They will maintain eye contact
They will constantly smile even when you aren’t talking to them
If it’s a shy person, then they will act a little nervous and jittery around you
How to know if someone loves you secretly? They will be protective of you. But there is a thin line between being protective and controlling. A person who is protective of you will hold your hand when you are trying to cross a busy road. However, a person who is controlling will go crazy when somebody else tries to touch you or talk to you.
Jenna, a 27-year-old tarot card reader from Manhattan, says, “I knew he was the one for me when I noticed how protective he got. He would advise me on what’s right and wrong but would never expect me to comply. He never once asked me to stop talking to one of my guy friends whom I used to date. He is so secure in our relationship and makes me feel the same. I’ve never felt love like this before and I’ve never been happier.”
4. They compromise equally
One of the signs someone loves you deeply is when they compromise equally. It’s one of the most essential keys to a healthy and peaceful relationship. It’s one of the indirect ways your partner is showing you respect. So, how do you know someone loves you? When they won’t let you go out of your way to sacrifice yourself for the betterment of the relationship.
Your desire will be as important as theirs. If you purchase movie tickets, then they will buy popcorn. If you travel to the place you always wanted to visit, then let them select the hotel you both will be staying at. If you spent Thanksgiving with their family this year, the next year will be spent with yours. These are some basic yet meaningful ways you can compromise to keep each other happy.
5. You feel safe with them
What does it feel like to have someone love you truly? You feel safe with them. Both emotionally and physically. You feel relaxed around them. You don’t have to hide your insecurities and pretend to be perfect. You will put your guard down and be your authentic self.
Feeling safe in a relationship means not being with someone who constantly criticizes you and puts you down. Emotional safety in a relationship is where your concerns will be heard and addressed. If you are with someone who makes you feel secure, you are with the right person.
6. They prioritize your needs
When someone is crazy about you, they will make you and your needs their priority. They will take quality time out of their schedule to spend with you. They will make sure you fit into their world as well as they fit into yours. Their individual needs will align, or compromise in a healthy way, with yours.
Some of the signs that show they prioritize your needs include:
They will check in with you to see if they are able to fulfill your emotional needs
They’ll ask you if your sexual needs are being met
They will not treat you like a last resort
7. They care for you
One of the clear signs someone loves you deeply is when they care for you. They won’t just look after you when you are sick but they will also care for you when you are in good health. Here are some things that will prove they care for you:
Cooking for you
Helping you with chores
Asking how your day went
Showing up at your door when you are feeling low
Trying to make you laugh when you are down
Not damaging your self-esteem and self-worth
Driving safely and responsibly when you are with them
One of the physical signs someone is in love with you is when they value your opinions, perspectives, and judgments as much as they value their own. They won’t make fun of your flawed judgment and they will make sure your perspective is seen and understood even if not implemented.
Dominic, a 32-year-old anthropologist from Boston, says, “I have never felt love the way I feel it with my current partner. He values my opinions and has never tried to disregard them or made me feel invalidated. I am going to propose to him soon, as I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.”
9. They listen to you properly
When someone has fallen head over heels in love with you, they will listen to you intently. A good listener won’t try to cut you off when you are speaking your heart out or trying to influence you. You will feel content after sharing your woes with them, and your world will seem less burdened. They will accept you on your good and bad days.
Even research backs this theory. It was found that attentive listening while the other partner expressed stress was significantly linked with better dyadic coping behaviors and higher relationship satisfaction. When a person displays less attentive listening when their partner is expressing their woes and worries, it resulted in a negative interaction between them.
Surefire signs someone likes you with all their heart
10. They offer the last bite of a delicious meal
How to know if someone loves you secretly? They will offer you the last slice of pizza or the last bite of that heavenly chocolate cake. This is a little silly but trust me, this is one of the sweetest ways a person shows love. You can see it on their face that they love you when they let you have the last bite of a meal they were drooling over a second ago.
A Reddit user shares what makes them feel loved, “It could just be that he’s full, and it really may not be that deep, but food is the way to just about anyone’s heart. Thus, it shows he’s always thinking of you and cares if he offers you the last bite. I know love is multifaceted and I’m not that shallow, but it just gives me all the feels when my SO offers me the last bite off his plate. Surely I’m not alone in this thinking.”
11. They don’t use your vulnerabilities against you
Every person has vulnerabilities and insecurities they fight with on a daily basis. When you share them with someone, it’s because you love this person enough to trust them with your vulnerabilities. When someone has fallen for you sincerely, they will never try to use those aspects to hurt you.
They will help you embrace your weaknesses. Research supports this theory and says people who self-disclose and become vulnerable with a romantic partner and perceive their partner’s response as supportive, tend to experience increased intimacy with their partner.
12. They support your dreams
A person who loves you will encourage you to chase your dreams. They know you have the potential to achieve your end goal. This is the way someone looks at you when they love you. Some more signs of a supportive partner include:
They understand your schedule and won’t force you to hang out with them
They celebrate your big and small accomplishments alike
They offer advice when required, and don’t expect you to follow it
They are your biggest cheerleader
13. You can communicate with them freely without any hesitation
Research has found that communication is the bedrock or the “heart” in supporting and promoting relationship satisfaction. When communication deteriorates, a couple enters into an inevitable decline.
What does it feel like to have someone love you? You will feel like you can talk your heart out without the fear of being judged. You can talk to them about the fight you had with your friend even when you were the one at fault. You can talk to them about your family situation if things have turned sour between you and your sibling. You know you are being heard and you won’t worry about the conversation leaving the room.
The more you talk to them, the more easygoing the relationship becomes. Furthermore, better communication in relationships helps two people understand each other. It strengthens their bond because it gives more clarity into one another’s thought process. When you communicate clearly and freely, there is less room for assumptions, conjectures, and misunderstandings.
14. They respect you
A study was conducted to find out how the presence or absence of respect affects intimate relationships. It was found that in relationships where respect was present, the results correlated with several love and sexual attitudes, relationship satisfaction, commitment, and self-disclosure, as hypothesized.
A lack of respect in relationships will eventually create problems between partners. The way someone looks at you when they love you is with the utmost respect. It’s not just about talking to you with a gentle voice or opening the door for you. Respect can also look like this:
They will show up on time and respect your time in other ways as well
They will respect your physical boundaries. If you don’t want to be touched, they will respect that and maintain a safe distance
They will be proud of you and won’t make you feel as if you are inferior to them even if you earn less than them. They will be proud of you no matter what
They will be honest with you
Being loyal is another sign of their love and respect
Adversities are a part of life. When this person doesn’t leave your side at your lowest, it’s one of the clear signs they are serious about you and that they see a future with you. For example, you just got fired from your job and you don’t know how you are going to get back on your feet.
A true partner who loves you will make sure you don’t lose hope. They will help you find a new job or whatever it is that your heart wants. They won’t dump you just because you are going through a financial crisis.
16. They will try to take an interest in your interests
It’s a rare thing to be in a relationship with someone where your interests match. It’s great if you are with someone who likes the same things as you do. However, if you are in a relationship with someone who is your polar opposite, then you might have a tough time trying to find a common ground in which you can connect with your partner on a deeper level and collaborate.
Some people end their relationships based on such incompatibility. On the other hand, some try to take an interest in your likes. If you like baking, then they will try to learn a thing or two about baking as well.
17. They fight to resolve
You will have conflicts because you are two different people with different personalities. However, you will know they are the one for you when they fight to resolve, not to win. Some of the ‘fighting fair in a relationship‘ rules include:
When they are mad about you, they won’t say mean things just to hurt you when they are angry
They will make sure you both are on the same team and are fighting a problem
If you start to blame them, they will remind you that you are a team and you need to work this out together
One of the signs that someone is in love with you is that they won’t bully you during the conflict
They won’t stonewall you or give you the silent treatment after or instead of the conflict
18. Your gut tells you they love you
Intuition is one of the biggest tools that help you make the right decision. When your gut tells you that this person loves you sincerely, go with it because your gut works based on intuition, logic, and information available at your disposal. It’s one of the physical signs you experience when you suspect someone of having a romantic interest in you. If you have enough evidence to suggest that this person loves you truly, then your instincts will let you know. Even your friends will tell you that you’ve been looking and behaving differently.
Key Pointers
One of the signs someone loves you is when they give you all their attention when you’re speaking to them
Some other signs of true love include prioritizing each other’s needs, communicating openly, and overcoming relationship challenges and problems together
A person who truly loves you will make sure your opinions and feelings are heard and validated
When someone loves you deeply, they won’t keep you in the dark. They will introduce you to their friends and family. They will make you feel validated and never try to change you. They will acknowledge your differences and instead of mocking them, they will respect and accept you.
FAQs
1. Can you feel that someone loves you?
Yes. You can feel that someone adores you when they put their phone down while you are talking to them. They won’t be able to keep their eyes off you. They will be considerate, compassionate, and empathetic, especially on your bad days.
2. How long does it take to feel true love?
There is no time frame for this. Each relationship has a different pace. Some fall in love after 3 months of being in a relationship and some do as soon as they start dating.
Don’t get me wrong. The man who courted and later married me isn’t just a Christ follower. John also exemplifies the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, on a daily basis. Get to know my husband, and you’ll see how the above description fits him like a tailored suit. There’s no way I would’ve nodded yes if John weren’t a Christian, to begin with.
Yet here I am, toiling to see if there could be any loophole that might sanction dating a nonbeliever. This is partly because I abhor adding yet more bad rep about Christians or Christianity. But the main reason is that I don’t want anyone to mistake God for a grouchy killjoy.
At the same time, I won’t be doing you any good by lying to you. So, can we talk about this? One tip to help you make it through this article is to keep an open heart. (Especially if you’re already dating an unbeliever.) Let’s review possible reasons why you might consider relaxing your standards by dating just anyone.
1. Compromise
As the people of God, we are set apart for His use (1 Peter 2:9). Because of this, God draws a boundary around who we are allowed to marry: “Stop becoming unevenly yoked with unbelievers. What partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? What fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, ISV).
Dating is meant to serve as a precursor to marriage. As such, dating an unbeliever means you’re endorsing the possibility of sharing the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t share your faith.
Which is a risky business.
As Jesus said, “even if you were to gain all the wealth and power of this world—at the cost of your own life—what good would that be? And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul?” (Matthew 16:26, TPT).
Compromise poses significant risks. Before compromising your convictions by dating outside biblical boundaries, weigh things carefully.
2. Nothing Serious
But perhaps you’re just having fun. Maybe you’re not ready to settle down and are only in the market for free food. Flirting. What’s the harm in dating a nonbeliever if this is your mindset?
Plenty. Even if you set out to date with a pure heart because we all influence each other, dating a nonbeliever might sway you to their way of thinking.
Here’s how the Living Bible puts it: “If you listen to them you will start acting like them” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Besides, someone with little to no regard for God’s Word may thoroughly welcome unwholesome and destructive activities. After all, while Scripture serves as our compass for what’s edifying and what’s not (1 Corinthians 10:23), non-Christians don’t necessarily view it this way.
A nonbeliever may embrace everything as fair game, regardless of how it might impact you. For instance, what if your non-Christian date wants to cap off the evening sexually? Mix your drink with a dangerous substance? Force you to abandon your moral convictions?
Will you suppress your conscience and sin for the sake of your date?
3. Loneliness
Do you feel lonely? You’re not alone. Post pandemic, 58% of Americans share your sentiment.
But if loneliness drives you to date just anyone, think twice. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a date as “a usually romantic social arrangement to meet with someone.” But no romantic undertone is necessary if the goal is to cure loneliness. Adding romance to the mix—especially when the other party isn’t a believer—is begging for trouble. At best, you might get your heart broken, and at worst, you might walk away from your faith.
You can enjoy a meal or a movie with another. Even while keeping things strictly platonic.
4. Evangelistic Dating
Perhaps the person you’ve been dating isn’t just a knockout but also caring. So what if they don’t confess Christ? You can evangelize them while dating. Right?
I have a cousin whose love story took this trajectory, so yes, this route may pay off. However, for every successful evangelistic dating story, there are even more stories of Christians who lost their convictions after dating nonbelievers. In one case, a devout atheist married a Christian woman, and while both retain their respective worldviews, their kids and grandkids are agnostic.
Ultimately, the next generation is why dating an unbeliever is inadvisable. Malachi 2:15 explains it this way, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.”
We don’t just get married for our sakes. We marry fellow believers so that together, we can reproduce and raise the next generations for God.
5. Sexual Health
Can we be brutally honest? Some single adults date for the companionship. Others, for sex.
I heard about one such man. When his friends asked how this guy, who professed to be a Christian, could justify sleeping around, he explained it’s for the benefit of his “sexual health.” This kind of logic finds no backing in Scripture. In fact, God commands the exact opposite: “But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:13, NLT).
God designed sex to be practiced only within marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2). Anything that violates His perfect standard will yield future heartaches because His Word carries a protective function for us (Psalm 81:14).
If remaining single and celibate is tough, remember how Jesus roamed the earth in a male body while maintaining sexual purity. Ask Him for the secret. Plus, reread the end of 1 Corinthians 6:13, the verse we passed by a couple of paragraphs ago. The Lord cares about your body; as such, pray for help so you can “control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
6. God Takes Too Long
Maybe you’ve been holding out for that compatible Christian to date, but that person is still absent. Perhaps it’s the arid—not to mention long—waiting that drives you to date a nonbeliever.
I get it if your patience wears thin because time seems powerless to shift your single status.
Nobody who waits on God will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3). He hears your petition for a mate. Not only that, our compassionate Father has flawless memory. God remembers your need and will come through no matter how long it has been.
Habakkuk 2:3 says, “This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed” (NLT). Use this verse to bolster your commitment to never settle for less—even if it may feel like your God-given spouse will never arrive.
The Only Yes
Found it! While I stand by everything we have just discussed, there’s indeed a yes to the question we started off with.
Is it okay to date a nonbeliever? The only yes is if God says so.
Whether or not you hear Him correctly, however, is something we can tackle another time.
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD.
“How do I trust someone with my body after domestic violence?” “What if sex triggers me?” “What if I’m unable to please my spouse sexually?” “What if I’m too damaged to have a relationship?”
These are practical questions and real concerns from abuse survivors. Some of us were married to our abuser. Others were abused by a parent, teacher, pastor, or sibling. Whatever the case, the distortions of love and sexuality – the lies that constrict our hearts and minds – leave echoes of fear and shadows of insecurity long after we’ve broken free. We may desire a romantic relationship, yet fear our past will sabotage our future.
Because every abuse survivor is different—different personalities, different experiences, and different triggers—it’s impossible to write a one-size-fits-all solution. Nevertheless, while I encourage you to speak with a counselor about your unique situation, I will give you a general response and pray it sets you on the right path.
God Made Sex
When I was a kid, I felt like walking cancer. I thought I was a trigger for the sins of my father. Like a spiritual Typhoid Mary, I feared I was infecting men with sexual perversion wherever I went. People I loved, even my own dad, were falling sick with sin because of me. I was afraid to get too close to Godly men, like my pastor or elders, because I feared causing them to stumble.
But one Sunday, our pastor preached a sermon about sex. It was one of those services where they send out all the kids, and warn adults to grab their smelling salts because things are about to get awkward.
Rather than daunt me, these warnings made me curious. I sat in on that sermon and I listened well. I learned that when God made Adam and Eve, he told them to, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it,” Genesis 1:28. After God created man and woman, he said, “It is very good,” Genesis 1:31. Because of this, we know that sex is good. Sex was invented, designed, and purposed by God for good.
Adam and Eve were intended to have a loving, physical, marital relationship; one man and one woman, faithful and affectionate. Had they not become sinful, their marriage could have lasted forever. But sex existed before the Fall; before sin entered the world.
While sinful people may use sex in sinful ways, sex itself is not sinful or anything to be ashamed of. It is only when sex occurs outside marriage and without love that someone has sinned.
That sermon threw a wrench in my abuser’s mind games. The lies my father shouted and that Satan whispered began to unravel. I started to realize that my dad’s perversion was entirely his own creation. It was nobody fault but his. Not mine. Not God’s. Not maleness as a gender. Not even Satan’s. My abuser’s sin was totally my abuser’s fault.
End the Guilt-Trip
Abusers often try to convince us that all sexuality, even loving sex within the bounds of marriage, is shameful or evil. Transversely, they may claim that all sex—even violent or non-consensual sex—is acceptable within the bounds of marriage. My father taught me both these lies simultaneously, and the effect was confusion and despair.
Abusers may claim that our anger at their evil is just as sinful as their violence. They may misrepresent our justifiable fear, revulsion, or indignation, by accusing us of being unforgiving, disrespectful, self-righteous, or unsubmissive. They minimize their own sin, while piling shame on us. They may hope we’ll feel too embarrassed or guilty to seek help or report them.
Understanding this pattern—that evil people falsely accuse to maintain control over us—is vital. Seeing through their lies is like ripping off a blindfold. Rejecting their patterns of thought is like severing the fetters which chain us to misery.
We may feel confused because we found our abusive spouse attractive. But of course we found them attractive! It’s not sinful to be attracted to your spouse. On the contrary, it’s good and healthy. At some point, we loved our violent or perverted husband.
But love is not a sin, nor does it make us complicit in theirs.
We may have felt flattered by a parent’s inappropriate attention, but it is not wrong for a child to want to please their father or mother, or desire to impress a teacher, pastor, or family “friend.” Children are supposed to trust adults.
Innocence is not a sin, nor does it make us complicit in theirs.
Love Is Not Lust, Truth Is Not Shameful
And hope is not weakness. As survivors, we have to redefine concepts our abusers have wrongly defined. We need to reorient our perspective on fundamental concepts like romance, sexuality, masculinity, and marriage. Slowly but surely, we need to learn to differentiate our natural instincts and wholesome desires from sinful choices and evil intent.
For example, lust is inappropriate thoughts which a person meditates on, obsesses over, and develops. Lust may start as a small idea, but it’s fed over time until it grows into fantasies and obsessions. Eventually, lust can impede our ability to think pure thoughts or feel wholesome love. It affects how we treat others.
To lust is to choose and chase temptation. Simply finding someone attractive or sexually desiring a spouse is not the same thing.
Attraction is a natural feeling that happens to healthy adults. We know this because, like sex, God made it. The chemicals he incorporated into our bodies react to stimuli resulting in emotional and sometimes physical responses. For example, if an attractive person smiles at you, you may blush. That doesn’t make you evil. It makes you human.
But unlike abusers, when we see an attractive person, rather than lusting, we recognize them as God’s creation. Meaning we treat them with honor and dignity. We don’t fantasize about them, take advantage of them, try to seduce them, or intentionally make them feel awkward. Basic emotions and chemical reactions are not sin in and of themselves. It’s how we act upon them (both in our imaginations and in real life) that may be sinful. That’s why one of the fruits of the Spirit is “self-control” (Galatians 5:22).
Nevertheless, the guilt-tripping and trauma from past abuse can inhibit godly and loving Christians who desire a wholesome sexual relationship, yet fear sin.
If this is you, consider reading through the Song of Solomon. Remember, these words were inspired and ordained by God himself. They are not just good; they are holy. They are the divine ideal for how a loving groom romances his bride, and an honorable wife flirts with her husband. It’s OK.
There’s no shame in expressing the feelings and desires God designed you to enjoy. Your sexuality is not “dirty” or anything to be afraid of. Rather, it is a gift from God intended that you may glorify him through your love, life, and marriage.
Identify Your Triggers and Create Anti-Triggers
Many survivors fear that sex or flirtation may trigger their anxiety or PTSD. Triggers are strange things. They may be the layout of a room, the scent of a particular aftershave, a song, or a particular pick-up line. Work on narrowing down what exactly triggers you. Often, you’ll find it’s not sex in general, but something much more specific. A hand on your shoulder from behind. A particular room in the house. The act of getting undressed in front of someone.
Once you recognize your triggers, you can hopefully avoid them, work around them, or at least mentally prepare yourself for them. Tell your spouse what they are, so they can avoid them too.
Decorate your home so it looks nothing like the place where you were abused. Use scented candles, laundry detergent, and other fragrances that are different than what you might have smelled where you were abused. Create a new environment for your new relationship that won’t reminded of your old relationship, even subconsciously.
One trigger of mine was the smell of freshly mown grass. Obviously, I couldn’t expect our neighbors to let their yards run wild, and I couldn’t cloister myself indoors to avoid such a common scent. So, I came up with an anti-trigger. I selected a good memory—the day my mom gifted me rose perfume—and leveraged it to combat my PTSD. I bought a small rose-scented candle and kept it in my purse. Whenever I began to feel depressed or anxious, I pulled it out and smelled my memory. It took me back to that happy moment; that feeling of being loved and safe.
While triggers create panic, anti-triggers bring calm. Think back to your own happy memories; a time when you felt safe, cared for, and at peace. It doesn’t have to be monumental, just sentimental. Now think of a little thing (a song, smell, activity, or item) that you could use to create an anti-trigger. Use that anti-trigger to relax when you feel stressed. You may have to try several before you find one that works well, but don’t give up. When this technique works, it’s a game changer.
Look for Jesus in Your Loved One
Like all people, abuse survivors understand the world based on what we know. We see people and situations through the lens of our experiences, many of which were negative. Past events have informed our expectations and perception of others. But our fear is a learned behavior.
Abusers taught us to fear abuse. To fear sex. To fear trust. The good news is, if you could be taught to feel afraid, then you can also be taught to feel loved and safe. And you can teach yourself.
So, in closing, I’d like to encourage you to practice thinking about your godly spouse—not through that learned lens of abuse, but through the lens of Jesus. At first, it may feel awkward or unnatural, but after a while, equating your loved one with God’s love will begin to happen instinctually.
Is your loved one patient? Think about The Good Shepherd, patiently tending his sheep (Psalm 23, John 10).
Is your loved one great with kids? Meditate on how Jesus loved the little children and blessed them (Matthew 19:13-15).
Do they help with housework? Recall how Jesus washed the disciple’s feet (John 13).
Are they the life of the party? Jesus was quite popular at that wedding in Cana! (John 2).
By doing this, you’re replacing painful triggers with new and positive emotional triggers. You’re turning your spouse into an anti-trigger.
So, practice emotionally linking your spouse with Jesus. The goal is to slowly unravel negative thought patterns and reknit your mind in patterns of grace and joy. We’re throwing out those old relationship blueprints of fear and shame, and replacing them with blueprints drafted by God himself.
It’s a process, but eventually, your new method of thinking will become ingrained. I had to make intentional repeated efforts to equate my husband with Jesus to avoid being subconsciously reminded of my abuser.
It took years, and I still work on it, but the result is ongoing spiritual growth and an increase in love, trust, and a feeling of safety.
I pray that this article, albeit a brief overview, encourages you as you grow and progress away from the mindset of abuse and into the mindset of God’s love. He created you. He created your spouse. He loves marriage and affection and family.
You are not defined by what others have done to you. In fact, you’re not defined even by what you yourself have done.
If you place your faith in Jesus, you are defined by the perfect and holy love of God.
Jennifer Greenberg was abused by her church-going father. Yet she is still a Christian. In her courageous, compelling book Not Forsaken, she reflects on how God brought life and hope in the darkest of situations. Jenn shows how the gospel enables survivors to navigate issues of guilt, forgiveness, love, and value. And she challenges church leaders to protect the vulnerable among their congregations. Her reflections offer Biblical truths and gospel hope that can help survivors of abuse as well as those who walk alongside them.
