Category: Dating & Love

When is the appropriate time to ask where a relationship is going?

The truth is, we often don’t feel like we can ask because we’re afraid of the answer. 

In today’s video, I share three perspectives that can shift your mindset when it comes to discussing the future of your relationship, so you can finally break free from fear and build a relationship guided by open communication and shared values.



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Matthew:

I continue to put in this much effort and you just keep putting in more, then all it does is reward the amount of effort that I’m putting in right now.

Before we get into the video, don’t forget to like this video, subscribe to this channel and hit the notification bell so that the next time I release a video, you get notified first and you don’t miss it. I was asked a question: “After four months of seeing someone, is it okay to ask the question, ‘Where is the relationship headed?”” So I thought I’d make a video about this phenomenon of getting months into a situationship with someone and not knowing whether it’s okay to ask what we are doing and where it’s going. The first point I want to make about this is that there is a natural question that anyone listening to a scenario like this will ask, which is: “Why hasn’t it come up already?”

What’s going on that you’re four months in and you still don’t know what it is? It suggests one of two main things could have happened.

The first is that this person doesn’t want anything and therefore is just running it down the road for as long as they can without bringing up the subject and they’re hoping that you won’t bring it up either. Often people are quite skilled at making sure that the conversation doesn’t come up by A, never mentioning it, and B, if you mention it or you hint at the idea that you want something more, they withdraw and go cold. And that almost can be like a way, I’m not even saying this is always conscious, but it’s almost like a punishment for having brought it up. It’s like you brought up the … what’s the Harry Potter, Voldemort, he who shall not be named.

“Where is this going?” Is like Voldemort in the relationship is we don’t talk about where it’s going. And if you do, you’ll get punished. I’m going to withdraw attention. And of course, if we really want somebody and they withdraw their attention because of something we did, the connection the brain makes is don’t do that again. So when that person lets us in again, when a couple of weeks later they start to inch closer, then we feel so rewarded for being quiet about our needs. And we go, “I’m just going to not say that again for a while because I’m back in now and it seems to be happening again. So I’m just going to keep my mouth shut about the whole where is this going thing and enjoy the fact that it’s happening on some level.” And that is how we end up with a dynamic where months in and sometimes even years in, I get people come to me saying, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where it’s going,” because they’ve got themselves locked into this fear-based cycle. That’s one possible explanation.

The other possible explanation is we haven’t mentioned it because we’re afraid that it’s going to push someone away. And so it’s not that they absolutely didn’t want a relationship, it’s just that we started dating them, we started sleeping with them, and now a few months in, we’ve given the impression through our lack of communicating what we want, that we’re kind of okay with that, with it not going anywhere and just sleeping together. We’ve somehow put ourselves in the casual category by mistake because we’re not actually good at communicating what we want. So why is it that we’re afraid to communicate what we want? Well, there’s a fear that if we actually ask for a relationship or if we tell someone that it has to go somewhere or I am leaving, that we will lose this person. And so rather than take that risk, what a lot of people do is they just give more effort to the situation thinking that if I give more effort, it will equal progress in the relationship.

Eventually I’ll become indispensable to this person. Eventually I’ll be bringing so much value to their life that there’s no way they would want to turn back. And so we don’t ever name what this thing is, we just keep giving more to it. And what we don’t realize, and this is the first big thing I want to give you today, I want to give you three different things to think about on this subject that are going to help you and help change the way you approach every dating scenario from now on as it begins to progress.

The first thing I want to say is effort does not necessarily equal progress, and past a certain point where we’re not communicating what we want, effort absolutely doesn’t equal progress. It equals permanence. Permanence in the dynamic, reinforcement of the amount of effort this person is putting in right now. Because if what they learn is that: “I continue to put in this much effort and you just keep putting in more, then all it does is reward the amount of effort that I’m putting in right now.”

And often what happens is even worse than that. It’s when someone’s putting in this much effort and you keep putting in more and more and more, they may even see what happens if they put in this much effort. And if you’re anxious, if you’re anxiously attached, when you feel them withdraw, you put in even more effort. And they go, “Oh, okay, so I can put in this much effort and I get even more.” And this isn’t necessarily a conscious thing from a bad person. There’s an element of it that’s human nature. What’s the least amount of effort I can put in for the maximum reward? So now you put in more and they put in less and they put in even less and you put in more because you’re even more afraid of losing them. And that’s how you end up in a situation where you’re giving so much and they’re giving so little and somehow it just keeps going.

You say, “Why don’t they just let me go if they don’t want me?” And you want to say, “Well, they’re not letting you go because they’re giving this much effort for this much reward. So why would they fully let you go?” More effort does not equal more progress. More effort equals permanence of the dynamic you don’t want.

Number two, we have to lose our scarcity mindset around this person. One of the reasons that we accept bad treatment from someone or we just accept stagnation where it doesn’t go anywhere is because we’re afraid we’ll never meet anyone like them again, but we will. There are great people around. This isn’t the only person who’s going to like you. This isn’t the only attractive person in the world. What we have to start telling ourselves is that this person isn’t the irreplaceable thing in this equation. My time is the irreplaceable thing in this equation.

So I have to start being more afraid of losing my time than of losing this person. The individual who asked me this question about after four months, is it okay to ask where this is going? The answer is of course, because it’s been four months. Four months is a significant chunk of time that cannot be got back. So this person I know is more afraid of losing the person than they are losing their time. We have to flip that and say, “I’m going to change my scarcity mindset. I’m no longer going to have scarcity around this person. I’m going to have scarcity around my time and say I’m more afraid of losing my time than losing the person.” When that’s the case, you’ll no longer operate out of fear of losing a person. You’ll operate out of fear of losing your time.

Number three, while we have to be quicker to decide whether something is going anywhere or progressing, we have to be slower to decide that someone is the one for us.

What happens when we like someone is that we just decide that this is the one. This is my person. And once we’ve decided that, we will ignore any evidence that we could be wasting our time here, that this thing isn’t moving in the right direction because we’ve already decided they’re the one. So the only question we’re asking is how do I get them? But when people say this to me, I had someone say this to me recently, “Matt, I know he’s the one, but I just don’t know yet if he can meet my needs.” And I said, “That’s an oxymoron. These two things are a contradiction. You can’t say they’re the one and say I don’t know if they can meet my needs in the same sentence because the person who is the one for you is the person who can meet your needs. Finding out whether they can meet your needs comes first before you decide someone is your person.” So this brings me back to the original argument. If four months in you’re asking, where is this going? Is it okay to ask him?

You have to tell yourself that the only way you’ll know if this is your person is if you have that conversation. And if you have that conversation and the answer is, “No, I don’t want more than this,” then they can’t be your person because they can’t make you happy because you being happy means being with someone who chooses you. If they say, “Oh, I absolutely want to be in a relationship with you. I want this to go somewhere. This is an amazing thing we have.” If someone says that, then you can say, “Oh, it seems like this is my person because they’re in in the same way that I’m in.” So many of us are so afraid to lose something that’s not the right thing in the first place, and we have to lose that fear. We have to switch the dialogue in our minds from, “I know they’re the one, but I just want to get more of my needs met by them” to, “Until I get more of my needs met by them, they can’t be the one.”

And in the context of today’s question, getting your needs met means being honest about the fact that unless this relationship is going somewhere, you can’t invest any more of your energy into it. And by the way, as we’re going through this video, I want you to understand that I may talk for a few minutes on this subject here, but I always know that it brings up bigger questions. It brings up more nuanced questions. Matt, what you’re talking about is communicating for progress in dating, but what does that look like after date one, what does that look like after the first two weeks? How do I stop it from getting to four months and I don’t know where it’s going? Or if I am at the four month mark and I still don’t know what it is, how do I actually have that conversation? All of these questions are the kinds of questions that I answer in a live training I did called Dating With Results.

That is my most popular free training program of all time. It is for people who want to be intentional about their love lives, who want to stop wasting time, and who actually above all else know that the thing that would make the biggest difference to their lives today is finding love in the form of a deep and meaningful and committed relationship. And this is what I teach in this training. It’s practical, it’s insightful. It will change your dating life forever. Go to DatingWithResults.com to register for free and just make sure that you watch it in the next 48 hours while you have your pass. Let me know what you think of that training once you’ve been through it. I know you’re going to find it incredibly valuable, and I’ll see you on the other side.

Dating can pave the way for a serious relationship. In fact, many serious relationships start as just a fling, and it’s not uncommon for people to go from being just friends to partners for life. As two people spend more time together, they become more committed to each other and the relationship. If you’ve been dating your partner for some time, you might start to wonder what the future holds and start looking for signs he sees you long-term.

Some people go from dating to serious relationships within just months of seeing each other. Others may want to hold out for the right person. Different things work for different people. If you and your partner have always looked at dating as a precursor to something more serious, then the key to turning dating into a serious relationship is communication. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about your expectations for the relationship, your goals, and your feelings for each other.

The importance of keeping the lines of communication open with your partner for maintaining a good long-term relationship has been backed by research. In addition to communication, other factors that can help turn dating into a serious relationship include spending quality time together, being supportive of each other, showing affection and care, and working through conflicts and challenges that arise in the relationship. Let’s look at them in more detail to understand the signs a guy sees a future with you.

How Do You Tell If A Guy Sees A Future With You?

It can be stressful to figure out if your partner is serious about taking things to the next level or if he wants to keep it casual for now and take more time to figure out what he wants, if he’s not ready for something serious. When he sees a future with you, you will be able to tell that he is serious about you from the way he behaves in the relationship and treats you.

A guy who wants you in his life for the long haul will open up to you, be honest with you, respect your boundaries, plan dates, etc. Even so, the only sure-shot way of knowing what he wants is to have a conversation about it.

Ace Adams, a Quora user, writes, “You ask him. There’s not really any tips and tricks to secretly determine whether he sees a future with you other than just communicating with him and asking. You can hope and pray and wish, but you’ll never know for sure unless you ask. It’ll be hard. It’ll be scary. You won’t want to do it. But you have to if you ever want to be sure of what he feels. And if you have a healthy relationship where both of you feel comfortable honestly expressing your feelings, he’ll tell you if he sees a future with you or not”.

True as that may be, to be able to have that conversation, you need at least some sense of how he sees you and his relationship with you. Thankfully, there are many great signs you will notice when things turn serious. Let’s understand some of them in detail below.

23 Clear Signs He Sees You Long-Term And Is Truly Committed

Casual relationships can last years, not just a few months or weeks. If you’ve dated a few guys, you’d already know that most guys are straightforward about what they’re looking for in a romantic connection. You, too, should be upfront about your expectations. If you’re both on the same page about wanting a long-term relationship, the transition from dating to being in a serious relationship becomes more effortless. If you’re hesitant to ask him outright if he wants to get serious or not, there are a few signs that can more or less confirm it for you:

1. He prioritizes spending time with you

If someone is serious about dating you, they will make an effort to spend quality time with you and prioritize your company. Initiating plans, taking time out of a busy schedule, and being there for you when you need him are all telling indicators that a guy is getting serious about you.

Related Reading : 13 Sure-Shot Signs A Casual Relationship Is Getting Serious

2. He wants to get to know you better

A guy who wants to turn serious with you will ask you questions that he has never asked before. He will also open up to you and not shy away from deeper conversations. This is a very good sign that he wants to figure out if your deeper values align and if you’d be a suitable long-term partner for him.

3. He makes an effort to make you happy

If a guy is serious about dating you, he will make an effort to do things that he knows will bring you joy. This could be anything from planning a fun date to buying you thoughtful gifts. Date ideas, gifts, small deeds, they could be very simple or creative as hell, but what would matter is the effort. An excerpt from a Reddit thread points out some tell-tale signs like-

• “…He sends me random texts during the day. Some days they are funny, other days they are lovey. It just tells me he’s thinking about me at that moment
• When he goes to the store, he usually brings me back a little candy or some flowers from Kroger. Like 5-dollar Tulips, I’m not talking about 45$ bouquets – that’s just ridiculous
• When he gets home at night, he always kisses me first. Before he does anything else, he leans over and just gives me a nice lingering kiss
• When we are watching movies, he scratches my legs or the top of my head while I’m laying on his chest
• He cooks for me on a pretty regular basis….”

4. He communicates with you

Communication is key in any relationship, and if a guy is serious about dating you, he will communicate openly and honestly with you. He will be willing to discuss difficult topics and work through any issues that arise in the relationship. If a person sees a future with you, he will communicate with you regularly, not just when it’s convenient for them.

5. He gives constant reassurance

Nothing says he wants to get serious more than intentional actions and constant reassurance. Even if you guys have gone through a tough patch, or your relationship just started as a casual fling or there have been other women before you, and he has consistently taken steps to prove to you all of that is in the past and he is ready to start something serious with you, that’s a positive sign that he’s making some long-haul plans with you.

Related Reading : 19 Things To Reassure Your Girlfriend Of Your Love

6. It’s the small things

Sometimes, it doesn’t have to be very in-your-face obvious signs that he might be serious about you. It can very well be the small things as mentioned in this Reddit answer, “…Oh also if they consistently show effort: I’ll pick wildflowers, doodle little cards that have a poem in them (doodles of things I know they like), offer to cook for them/run errands if they’re busy if I’m at the store and about to see them surprising them with their favorite snack/drink/candy, etc. Consistently delivering on small things to keep things interesting.”

7. He makes future plans with you

There are a few dos and don’ts in a long-term relationship. Another one of the dead-on signs he sees you long-term is that he will make plans with you for events or occasions that are farther into the future. We’re talking more long-term than just the next few days or weeks. It can be anything from-

• Wanting to catch a movie that releases months later
• Asking you to attend weddings or functions as their plus one
• Offering to pick you up from or drop you at airports or train stations
• Planning to meet your parents and wanting you to meet his as well

8. He introduces you to their friends and family

When a guy is serious about wanting a long-term relationship with you, he will want you to be an integral part of his life. Which means he will want to introduce you to the important people in his life. This is a sign that he is proud to be with you and sees a potentially serious relationship with you.

A Reddit user explains how much of a big deal it can be, “Meeting the friends is like a way of saying that this is something important and hopefully long term.”

9. He will find a reason to be around you more

If you need a sign that he thinks the same way about getting serious as you, start paying attention to how involved he is in your day-to-day life. Georgio36, a Reddit user, elaborates in his answer, “He will find ways to be around you or ask to help you with things. He would support everything you are doing. If you post a new look/outfit photo of yourself; he’ll be one of the first ones to compliment you. He’ll ask about your day. Lastly, he won’t be afraid to be seen with you. Meaning he’ll actually take you on dates instead of just only wanting you to come over to his place.”

10. He talks about or hints at moving in together

If he brings up questions about the kind of furniture you like or your ideal home decor style, etc., you can pretty much be sure he wants to move in with you someday and is trying to figure out if your tastes match. This is one of the most straightforward signs he sees you long-term.

Related Reading: 21 Expert Tips For Couples Moving In Together

11. He is straightforward with his words

Instead of leaving you searching for signs he wants to wife you up, he might just sit you down and tell you directly. A male user shares on Reddit, “I always do this, but only after I’ve established somewhat of a relationship with the girl and have a good idea she’s into me, hence why in this case I’m wanting to spend more time with her before I directly state my intentions.”

12. He shows affection

He is affectionate with you, showing physical and emotional intimacy. Some guys may not be into PDA but that doesn’t mean they won’t show affection. You might notice that he pays attention to your moods, the way you dress, the things you like, your turn-offs, and everything else.

13. He starts thinking in terms of ‘us’ rather than ‘me’ and ‘you’

He becomes more considerate of your feelings and needs and prioritizes your happiness and well-being. He also starts making more and more plans that involve both of you and begins to look at his life from the prism of ‘us’. Some of the signs he sees you as the one include:

• He asks you for your opinions before making decisions or plans
• He prioritizes making decisions that benefit both of you in the relationship
• He says things like “we’ll figure it out” or “we’ve got this” to show you that you are not alone and that you’re both one unit

14. He wants to make things right

Being willing to work toward conflict resolution is a surefire sign that a guy sees a future with you. He is mindful and respectful of your boundaries and takes the time to understand and honor them. Moving on from the conflict and finding common ground after a fight is an uncomfortable part of any relationship, and if he is putting an effort into honing his abilities in this area, it’s likely because he is emotionally invested in the relationship.

Related Reading: How Do You Set Emotional Boundaries In Relationships?

15. He doesn’t cancel plans

Not only will he start making more plans, but he will also not cancel them. When a guy likes spending time with his partner, he goes out of his way to be around them as much as possible. And he is honest and transparent with you about reasons when he does have to cancel plans.

16. He is invested in your life

One of the dead giveaway signs he sees a future with you is that he will be interested in every detail of your life – your hobbies, your work, your friends, and your family. He might even be interested in cultivating hobbies for both of you and do activities together at home. He will also consistently make an effort to let you know he is there for you. This may look like:

• Showing up and being by your side in your time of need
• Going out of his way to make sure you know you can talk to him about anything
• Helping you when you’re faced with a tough situation
• A desire to be involved in the bigger decisions of your life

17. He is open to compromise

Among the signs he sees you long-term is a willingness to compromise and make sacrifices for the betterment of the relationship. Sometimes external circumstances like getting transferred or moving for better job/educational prospects can pose a challenge for couples, threatening their future together. The willingness to make compromises to preserve the relationship in such situations is one of the most tell-tale signs he is thinking long-term with you.

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Compromise In A Marriage The Right Way

18. You do everything together

When a guy is emotionally invested in you, he’d want you by his side even when doing mundane everyday tasks. You hang out and do things together, like best friends. This shows that he is serious about the relationship and wants to build a future with you.

A user on Reddit says, “This just happened with my now boyfriend. We started doing everything together from cooking to cleaning and spent hours talking in bed, loved waking up next to each other, introducing each other to friends, and having so much fun. And it all feels easy and good. It took 2-3 months for this to evolve, but we got there.”

19. You are emotionally intimate with each other

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any relationship. “Emotional intimacy could be defined as allowing yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities, and trust,” says Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University. If he creates a safe space for you, and you feel like you can share anything with him, and that he shares everything with you too, it might be one of the signs he is thinking long-term with you.

An excerpt from Reddit highlights just how important emotional intimacy is, “…communicating with your significant other is an intimate experience. Developing emotional intimacy can happen a lot like physical intimacy. Imagine that instead of taking articles of clothing off one by one and watching your partner’s eyes light up with anticipation and delight, you are slowly revealing more of your inner self, piece by piece….”

Related Reading: 10 Tips To Develop Emotional Intimacy In A Marriage

20. He is supportive of your goals and ambitions

If a guy sees a future with you, he will be supportive of your goals and ambitions and will encourage you to pursue your dreams. He may also help you achieve those ambitions. He may even unknowingly help you find your passion.

21. He talks about his long-term goals with you

If someone sees a future with you, they will discuss their long-term goals and aspirations with you. You both may even start planning your long-term relationship to align your future plans. This is the time when you both discuss,

• What type of house do you want to buy together in the future
• If you want kids someday
• The places you want to explore together

22. He makes a constant effort to maintain the relationship

A guy who sees a future with you will make an effort to maintain the relationship and keep the connection strong. Every relationship takes effort and upkeep. The consistency of efforts may sometimes diminish when you’ve been together a long time. But making an effort to keep things on track tells you all you need to know about whether a guy sees you as his long-term love interest.

Related Reading: 15 Tips That Keep A Relationship Strong And Happy

23. He is willing to open up about his past

When you feel it is getting pretty serious, it might be relevant to clear the air about past relationships with each other. Understanding your partner’s previous flings and relationships offers great insight into things that are a dealbreaker for them and things to avoid that may have hurt them. When a guy agrees to open up about his serious previous relationship, he may be ready to become vulnerable with you, and when a man is vulnerable with a woman, it is one of the very serious signs he sees you long-term.

Overall, if a guy sees a future with you, he will show a consistent interest in your life and future plans and will be committed to building a strong and lasting relationship with you. Of course, it goes without saying that wanting and working for a long-term future and relationship is a two-way street. So be sure to make your partner feel seen and heard so that he knows their feelings and efforts are reciprocated.

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Someone calls them massagers, someone recognise them as vibrators, personal toys… In the end, it comes down to the same thing – we are talking about devices for strengthening the health of female reproductive system, about devices/toys for masturbation, toys for achieving one’s own pleasure.

Their benefits for your health are huge, we wrote about them many times. In case you missed it, read here.

And when you are done, and you finally decide to buy one, we will help you choose it. Buying a personal massager is, without doubt, one of the most exciting projects anyone can undertake. However, for the uninitiated, the abundance of options can leave one feeling a little overwhelmed and even a bit prudish. Every woman experiences pleasure differently, so it’s really no surprise that personal massagers come in a wealth of shapes, sizes, speeds and with different kinds of stimulation. Investing in your first massager therefore requires careful and candid consideration of the specs you’d like to enhance your enjoyment and most importantly, asking yourself “What do I really enjoy?”.

Before we really get into it….

Before you embark on your quest for the perfect personal massager, there is some important criteria you should bear in mind. With any intimate object you need to make sure it is made from high quality materials that are totally safe for your body – medical grade silicone is a great option as it is toxin free doesn’t contain BPA or phthalates – it’s used in medical implants for crying out loud!

Also, the more features the better right? Varying speeds and vibration patterns allow you mix things up and find the perfect stimulation for you. Versatility is always a good thing and opting for a waterproof massager means the fun doesn’t have to be confined to the bedroom. Plus, everyone wants more returns on their investment, if you know what we’re sayin’…

For the record…

It is very important that massagers are made from medical grade silicone, are fully waterproof and benefit from a variety of speeds and rhythms. Easy to use and with lockable interfaces, each massager provides whisper quiet vibrations so aside from any big ‘O’s’, what happens under the sheets stays under the sheets.

So, now for the big question, what is it you enjoy?

External Stimulation

Let’s not be coy, most women are all about external stimulation to the pleasure powerhouse that is our clitoris. If this sounds familiar, a contoured personal massager is going to tick all right the boxes. Putting the focus on the clitoris, you can find massagers that have a sculpted shape designed to cradle and caress every part of that most sensitive little nub. Some of them are sleek and petite, and they fits comfortably into the palm of your hand. That means you can target where you experience the most enjoyment, bringing your sensations to new heights.

SHOP RAYA

 

Hitting the *Spot*

If you’re more of a ‘it’s what’s on the inside that counts’ kinda gal, internal stimulation might be more up your alley. G spot or rabbit massagers are perfectly designed for internal stimulation, in particular locating that elusive G spot. Delivering powerful vibrations, Cthey are capable of unlocking some of your strongest, most intense orgasms. Plus, “rabbits” are dual stimulators, so can be used to satisfy you externally as well. Swoon!

SHOP CELESSE

 

Shared Satisfaction

If you’re of the school that pleasure shared is pleasure multiplied, then you might be interested in a couples’ massager. Couples’ massagers are worn by women during intercourse, with one thin tail inserted into the vagina and a clitoral vibrator extending outside for hands-free stimulation. Offering enhanced sensations during sex, couples’ massagers are great if you want to mix things up a little in the bedroom – with vibrations both of you can enjoy. 

SHOP KALIA

With so many options out there, buying your first personal massager may seem a little overwhelming. To recap, your top considerations in this oh-so-fun research are 1) that good quality, body safe massagers are always a must, 2) the more (useful) specs the better and 3) choose a massager that will cater to what you enjoy best. Once you’ve found one that makes you purr, you’ll be wondering how you ever lived without it, trust us!

Please note that advice offered by Intimina may not be relevant to your individual case. For specific concerns regarding your health, always consult your physician or other licensed medical practitioners.

In today’s hyper-connected world, dating has become a complicated affair (pun somewhat intended). Social media, dating apps, and hookup culture have made the signs you are unofficially dating harder to spot than ever. You might be falling for a friend with benefits or someone you’ve been close friends with for a long time. There is even a word for this kind of thing – ‘situationship.’

It can be really hard to tell whether you’re in a situationship or a real relationship. In this article, we’ll explore 21 signs you are unofficially dating.

What Does It Mean To Be Unofficially Dating?

Two situations can lead to unofficial dating: friendships and friends-with-benefits. It is common for two people who have been friends for a very long time to develop feelings for each other later in life. It is also common for people who enter into a casual relationship, via a dating app for example, to grow close.

One Reddit user says, “There can be many different reasons people are in situationships. It’s literally in the name. Sometimes, you can’t be in a relationship or even the dating stage yet … In some cases it can work. In other cases, it can’t.”

According to this user, these could be the scenarios:

• You’ve been texting each other a lot. You’ve both developed feelings and don’t want to date anyone else but you live in separate cities and don’t like LDRs
• You’ve developed feelings for them. But the other person is too comfortable in this situationship and doesn’t want to change anything. They just want sex
• You both are super close friends, exploring the romantic side to things, but you don’t want to ruin the friendship

The only difference between an official vs unofficial relationship is the DTR talk (in which you ‘define the relationship’). If you’ve had it, then you’re officially dating. If not, then you’re unofficially dating.

You might detect some of the signs we cover in this article in your current relationship. If you find yourself asking “Are we dating or just friends?” – this is one of the first signs you are unofficially dating.

Related Reading: Situationship – Meaning And 10 Signs You Are In One

21 Sure-Shot Signs You Are Unofficially Dating

If you’re still not sure, then you might want to look out for one of these signs to know whether or not you’re in an unofficial relationship.

1. You’re not exactly dating but you want to be exclusive

This often happens during the early stages of dating. You’ve been dating for a few months, you’re past the introductions, and you’re now pretty comfortable with one another. If you find that you want to be exclusive with your special person and you feel that they might want the same thing, it could be that you’re unofficially dating.

The downside to this is that you might start to get anxious about where you stand with your unofficial partner. As one Reddit user puts it, “I generally feel like a lot of times the situationship isn’t something people actually seek out. They probably start at “giving a relationship a try and seeing where it goes” until one party starts with drawing from the idea of commitment but just won’t let their partner go. So it just gets into this really unhealthy situation where you are not exclusive but put in the emotional labor of exclusivity.”

Related Reading: 20 Signs You Are Ready To Be In An Exclusive Relationship

2. You spend time together outside of the bedroom

If you’re in a casual relationship with someone, you’re not going to spend too much time with them outside the bedroom. If you find that your no-strings-attached arrangement is slowly incorporating more non-sexual activities, then this is one of the signs you are in an unofficial relationship.

3. You stay in touch via call or text when you’re not together

If you’re in a casual relationship with someone, it is likely that you’ll only call or text them to fix up a night together. Likewise, if you’re in a friendship with someone, you might reach out to them sometimes but not very often.

If you find yourself interacting on the phone a lot, chances are that they are more than just a friend and more of a special person to you. But if it is one-sided, i.e., you text them often and they reply to be polite, then you’re probably reading too much into it. It can be very painful when someone says I love you and you don’t love them back. But love takes two, and if your unofficial partner doesn’t want to make it official, then you must respect their wishes.

4. You can be your authentic self around them

The society we live in has the unfortunate tendency to make us repress or suppress our authentic selves around other people in order to fit in. This happens even around our close friends and family.

Tyler, 25, a salesperson, shares with us, “If you feel that you’re comfortable being authentic around a particular person in your life, be it an old friend or a new friend with benefits, if you feel that you’re able to communicate openly with them, then you could be looking at an unofficial relationship.”

5. You leave possessions at each other’s place

To take this to the next level, you might also be comfortable enough to leave certain belongings at their house and vice-versa. These could be your phone charger, a toothbrush, or a jacket. If this is the case, it means you trust them to look after your stuff and you’re planning to visit them soon.

Related Reading: Are You Moving In Together? Checklist From An Expert

6. You have exchanged cute pet names

Cute pet names are almost exclusively a relationship thing. Sure, friends sometimes come up with nicknames for each other too. But if you both use your nicknames in romantic or extra cute situations, there’s probably more than meets the eye.

7. Your respective social circles are aware of each other

This relates more to a friends-with-benefits situation. Since sex is the main thing, it is rare to hang out with each others’ friends. If this starts to happen regularly, then it’s probably not a casual relationship anymore.

And if they’re the first person you think of inviting as a plus-one to social events or fancy dinners with your inner circle, then it’s very likely more than just a fling.

8. You’ve made lasting memories

If you’re friends with someone, you might have some lasting memories with them, but chances are they would involve other people as well. For example, a trip with your inner circle will usually have pictures of the whole group or at least more than one person.

If it’s just a fling, there will be no memories like this. If there are, then it’s time for a wake-up call.

9. You hang out during the day

If a relationship is strictly casual, then this is considered off-limits. But if you find yourselves spending time with each other during the day, i.e., outside the bedroom, engaging in non-sexual activities, then you’re clearly in something that’s more than casual.

On the other hand, you might consider spending time with a friend every now and then, but if this becomes a regular thing that you look forward to without expressing your joy fully, then it might be a pseudo relationship.

10. You’re okay with spontaneous dates

Spontaneity is a huge tell when it comes to unofficial dating. We’re all caught up in busy lives, so if you’re okay with last-minute plans, it means you value this person enough to risk missing out on something career-related or just shaking up your routine. And if they’re on the same page, it means there’s something bubbling under the surface that the two of you should talk about soon.

11. You’ve stopped noticing other people

This is something that happens to all of us when we meet someone. We find ourselves far less interested in other people no matter how attractive they may be. Even on dating sites, we might find ourselves swiping left more than usual.

If this is happening with you, then this is one of the signs she is getting serious about you and it may be time for some fancy dinners and deeper conversations.

Related Reading: 35 Serious Relationship Questions To Know Where You Stand

12. You’ve stopped thinking about ‘the one that got away’

When we’re single, we often think back to an ex and wonder what things would be like if it had worked out. That is just the human brain doing what it does best – overthinking. But this train of thought tends to fade away when we’re dating again.

So, if you haven’t thought about one of your exes in a while, and this new person is your go-to person for hanging out, you might be in a situationship.

13. You’re having lovers’ spats

This is probably one of the signs you are in an unofficial relationship. Eventually, as the bond deepens, there are more conflicts with this person than with your friends. This is a very normal development when you date someone for a while (even if it’s unofficial).

Also, the disagreements between you two don’t seem like the ones you have with your friends or flings. Conflicts with this pseudo partner affect you a lot more, too, and this might mean that you’re unofficially in a relationship.

14. Other people often mistake you for a couple

Couples in a relationship have a pretty obvious vibe about them. Even complete strangers on the street can tell that they’re in a relationship. If, at different points in your dynamic, you find that more than one person assumes you’re dating, this is one of the signs you are unofficially dating.

This often happens at restaurants or shops, where a salesperson or waiter might casually mention, “And what about your partner?” This is a great wake-up call for an unofficial couple.

15. You have begun to rely on each other during difficult situations

Life often throws curveballs at us that compel us to turn to the people closest to us for help. These curveballs certainly do not compel us to turn to a casual friend or a friend with benefits.

Roz, a 31-year-old disability activist, shares with us, “If your unofficial partner is the first person you think of during a tough situation, then this is one of the signs she is getting serious about you. That’s how I knew I love May. She was always there for me, and I realized I wanted to be her pillar too.”

16. You find yourself daydreaming about them when they’re not around

Another classic sign of love, if you find yourself thinking about them in your free time, or if you’re often distracted by thoughts of them, you might actually be in an unofficial relationship. It means they are a part of your foreseeable future. This kind of daydreaming is unlikely to happen with a friend or a casual hookup buddy.

Related Reading: How To Stop Thinking About Someone? Expert Suggests 11 Strategies

17. You have opened up to each other about deeply personal things

This is also something that is almost exclusive to relationships. Sharing intimate details about your life puts you in a very vulnerable position. So, why would you share things like this with a casual friend? If they are your go-to person for deeper conversations involving the intimate details of your lives, then your casual friend is more likely your unofficial partner.

18. Sex with them feels more intimate than when you started hooking up

In the case of casual relationships, sex is more of a sport than a romantic encounter. We tend to focus almost entirely on the physical aspect of the act than anything else. But if you find that you are starting to have an emotional connection, then it basically means your casual fling may be turning into a real relationship.

19. Spending the night together doesn’t always involve sex

Again, a casual relationship is primarily based on sex. So, if you’re spending the night with each other, sex is pretty much implied. If one of you isn’t in the mood, you wouldn’t stick around.

But if you find that you sometimes spend the night without having sex – maybe just watching a movie, deeper conversations, and falling asleep – then it’s probably time to have an honest DTR talk about your pseudo relationship and why you’re not officially dating.

20. You don’t feel too nervous bringing up the DTR talk

For most people, this is a nerve-wracking experience. The fear of rejection at this stage is much greater than the fear of rejection at first sight. But if you feel less nervous than you thought you would, this is one of the signs you are unofficially dating. And like it or not, this is the deciding factor of an official vs. unofficial relationship.

However, it does not guarantee that they will agree on entering into a committed relationship with you. They may feel that the two of you are at different points in your lives and a relationship may not work out. And if they choose to end things for whatever reason, there’s really nothing you can do other than accept it, process the grief, and move on.

It is painful when someone says I love you and you don’t love them back. One Reddit user advises, “They’re [situationships] complicated. Sometimes, the person you love isn’t ready because they’re still healing. Depending on your age and dating preferences, you may be more mature or put together than they are. There is nothing wrong with that. What is important, though, is that you have healthy boundaries and enough self-respect to know when to end things if they can’t meet your expectations over time.”

Related Reading: The Complete Guide To “We Act Like A Couple But We Are Not Official” Situation

21. You see a future with each other

Having a foreseeable future with each other is probably one of the most obvious signs you are unofficially dating. You need to find out for sure once you have the DTR talk that you factor into their future plans. If they are on the same page, then it basically means you’re in a committed relationship.

If these 21 signs ring true for you in your current relationship, you might want to sit down with your partner/friend for a discussion and settle things. If you’re worried about how to broach the subject, try to casually mention that something needs to be addressed in the relationship and see what they say. Chances are they feel the same way. And if not, it’s no big deal – you still live to love another day!

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Vibrators. We may not admit it, but most of us have owned one, or at least thought about it. In fact, 44% of women between 18 and 60 have used a personal massager. We all know the obvious reasons for getting ourselves a battery-powered friend – more powerful orgasms, more often – but did you know that there are other benefits to using a vibrator?

It’s not all about the pleasure ladies! (Although it’s definitely fun.) Check out our top four reasons we should all be getting buzzy a little more often.

1. You get to know your body.

True story: vibrators not only help you reach the big O, they help you get to know what you like between the sheets. The more you know your body and what you like, the more satisfying your sex life can be, both alone and with a partner. Once you get to know your turn-ons, you’re better able to help a partner get to know them too. (More on that in a second!)

But more than that, they help you know how your body is shaped and be more aware of yourself and your health down there. Exploring your body and taking ownership of your orgasms is not only enjoyable, it’s completely healthy. Read more about the benefits of masturbation here.

SHOP CELESSE

 

2. You have better sex with your partner.

One of the great things about massagers is that they’re not just a solo activity, they can easily be incorporated into partner play. You know that myth that guys are intimidated by your vibe? It’s actually not true. A 2015 study showed that not only do men not feel hesitant or about using vibrators, they actually find sex more appealing when massagers are involved and felt it brought them closer to their partners.

So have confidence in the bedroom, whether you’re introducing a vibrator or talking about your turn-ons, and the benefits will come (pardon the pun) back to you tenfold! (If you’re not sure how to bring it up with your partner, check out our tips on how to introduce a massager into the bedroom.)

3. You might actually become healthier.

According to a recent study, women who used vibrators were significantly more likely to have seen a gynaecologist in the previous year, and to have performed a self-examination during the previous month. Plus, women who used vibrators reported having more positive sexual experiences related to increased desire, lubrication, pain and overall function.

So not only do vibrators feel great, they’re great for you. Just make sure you’re using one that’s made of the best materials, like medical-grade silicone, and that you wash it after every use with a high-quality cleanser formulated to ensure hygiene and protect the quality of the massager. (Here are some tips on choosing the right massager for you.)

SHOP RAYA

 

4. You can safely experiment with sex.

Although people used to worry that vibrators cause numbness and nerve damage, science has come to the rescue and proved that these concerns are unfounded. So go forth ladies, and enjoy.

Regardless of whether you use one alone or with someone else, vibrators are a healthy expression of your sexuality. Even though we may not talk about it openly, we all use them – and that’s a good thing! So don’t feel bad about turning off your phone, and turning on your favourite massager again…and again… and again…

Gift-giving in relationships is a genuine expression of love. Through this tender practice, partners can strengthen their bonds and enjoy moments of gratitude. Various occasions call for giving presents and making the experience delightful is essential. However, finding an ideal gift can be challenging. The desire to impress and satisfy loved ones may provoke doubt and uncertainty. Overcoming these hurdles, though, can turn the gift selection process into an art worth mastering. Today, we’re here to make you an expert at creating cherished memories. Read on.

7 Things To Keep In Mind Before Choosing A Gift For Someone

Do you want to enhance your ability to choose meaningful presents? By exploring this guide, you’ll gain valuable insights into the art of gift-giving in relationships and create memorable moments with your loved one.

1. Consider the occasion for gift-giving 

When giving a gift, consider if it would be appropriate for the occasion. Whether celebrating a special milestone or saying “I love you,” thoughtful gifts are always appreciated. In such cases, visiting reputable businesses like The Wild Rose for flower delivery is ideal to ensure your floral arrangement arrives on time and in perfect condition.   

Besides traditional romantic occasions like anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, gift-giving extends to other events. Be it your partner’s achievements or family celebrations, presenting meaningful gifts showcases your support. Active participation in your partner’s life reinforces the feeling of being loved. 

2. Understand your partner’s preferences 

A vital aspect of presenting gifts within relationships involves grasping your partner’s taste. Devoting time to discovering their hobbies and personal style can assist in choosing heartfelt and considerate presents. For example, you can pay attention to their beloved books, favored tunes, or hues.  

When your partner’s interests are uncertain, seeking advice from their friends and family might help. Another option could be observing items that catch their eye while shopping together. Alternatively, consider discussing gift ideas directly (or indirectly) with your partner to ensure satisfaction.  

Related Reading: Gift Giving Love Language: What It Means And How To Show It

3. Establish a budget 

When preparing a present for a special someone, budget consideration is vital. A conversation with your loved one about financial boundaries might be helpful, as it sets realistic expectations for both parties. A mutual understanding of the price range prevents guilt related to spending too little or too much on a meaningful present.  Moreover, a homemade DIY present may carry more heartfelt sentiments, leaving a lasting impression. The saying ‘It’s the thought that counts’ truly resonates in such instances. 

4. Ensure personalization 

Personalized gifts show the time and effort that go in selecting something unique that reflects your shared bond. There are many possibilities for making unique and special gifts. For example, you could get a piece of jewelry with the recipient’s initials or engrave an elegant frame with their favorite quote.

Surprising your partner with a memorable experience or planning an exciting outing can create treasured memories. Ultimately, it’s wise to ensure the chosen present reflects your partner’s personality and your connection. 

5. Be sensitive to cultural differences

In giving gifts, it’s important to consider your partner’s cultural background. Gifts are often viewed differently in different cultures. It is always a good idea to do some research on the recipient’s culture and customs before giving a gift to ensure that it is appropriate and well-received. Understanding these subtleties helps ensure that the present will be cherished and strengthen the relationship between you two.

6. Master the art of presentation 

An attractive presentation may enhance the joy of gift-giving, creating cherished memories. Though the present itself holds importance, presenting it thoughtfully can express a deeper level of care. Consider elegant wrapping paper, heartfelt notes, or a charming box as they elevate the whole experience. 

Alternatively, incorporating an element of surprise could be exciting and make the moment genuinely unforgettable. Placing the gift in an unsuspected location – a handbag or beneath a pillow – or engaging your partner in a playful scavenger hunt can add fun to the process.

Related Reading: 15 Relationship Milestones That Call For A Celebration

7. Embrace the true meaning of gift-giving 

When you give your partner a gift, it’s more than just giving away things; it builds the connection between the two of you and shows affection. However, it’s essential to not let material possessions define the relationship. Exploring heartfelt ways of showing love, such as sharing quality time or penning sincere notes, is just as crucial. 

Lastly, gift-giving offers valuable glimpses into the recipient’s desires, requirements, and dreams. Embracing such special occasions helps foster mutual growth and understanding, which nurtures a durable and lasting bond. 

We wish you well on this quest for choosing your significant other’s ideal present. The above approach will hone your ability to comprehend their needs and desires, and add joy and excitement to your bond. Ultimately, remember that the most valuable gift comes from the lasting happiness that blooms through a heartfelt connection.

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Are you looking for tips on how to stop overthinking after being cheated on? Spiraling through loops of numbness and pain is common after this experience and so is feeling worthless after being cheated on by someone you love. To think that after all the hard work you have put into this relationship, not to mention the deep emotional investment, your partner would stray is itself a hard truth to take in.

But you are not the only one going through this mess. Even Shakira has gone through this pain. Studies show that 54% of Americans who have been in a monogamous relationship have been cheated on by their partner, either emotionally or physically, or both. Stages of grief after an affair drives many of us into depression or anxiety issues which result in overthinking.

Instead of diving deep into work or drinking your pain away, all you need is healthy coping mechanisms for overthinking. To offer you a solid guideline on that, we spoke to emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney) who specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, to name a few. Read ahead for her insights.

Is It Normal To Overthink After Being Cheated On?

If someone cheated on you or worse, they tried to justify it later by blaming you, it is obviously normal to overthink about it or to be engulfed in waves of self-doubt. So, if you’re feeling vulnerable and sorry for yourself, know that these are normal feelings one goes through after being cheated on. You have the right to feel this agony for a few days, weeks, or months.

Pooja says, “At this point, people begin to doubt everyone. They can’t trust easily, hence, they overthink every word said or unsaid and the actions of every person around them. Staying with someone who cheated is a very confusing stage to be in and most people in infidelity recovery go through this phase. You hate them and you love them. You want to forgive them but you are very angry too.”

What childhood trauma or issues get triggered when someone gets cheated upon? On how cheating affects the brain, Pooja answers, “Cheating affects the brain by leading to grief and mental health conditions like anxiety, chronic stress, and depression. It can also bring back childhood trauma issues like fear of abandonment or parental neglect.”

Before getting into the ‘how to stop overthinking after being cheated on’ part, let’s try to spot a few triggers after being cheated that are more likely to get you caught in the overthinking loop:

• Your low self-esteem after infidelity will urge you to judge yourself brutally or compare yourself with the person your partner had an affair with
• You may feel anxious thinking about “Is the affair still going on?”, “What if they cheat on me again?”
• If you have abandonment issues or a similar experience in your previous relationship, you may live in constant fear of “What if they leave me for that other woman/man?”
• Trust issues will make you doubt and overanalyze every word coming out of your partner’s mouth
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder coming along with anxiety can lead you to play the images of your partner with their affair partner in your head, over and over again
• If it’s the second time your partner cheated on you, it’s natural to overthink the future of your relationship

Related Reading: 10 Steps To Recover If You’re Being Fooled By Someone You Love

Signs You’re Overthinking About Being Cheated On

Why do people cheat? It could be narcissism or entitlement, lust or love, or even boredom. Some people cheat because they consider it a game and some cheat because they are given a guarantee of confidentiality and so they don’t fear getting caught. Some cheat because they fear intimacy and others cheat due to unmet emotional or physical needs in their current relationship or marriage. Some do it just because lying gives them a kick.

People who cheat are driven by different reasons, depending on the personality types of cheaters. But unfortunately, the cheated partners always tend to take it upon themselves. And hence, the overthinking, which makes moving forward after infidelity much more difficult. Here are a few signs that such intrusive thoughts about cheating are living in your head rent-free:

• You keep blaming yourself like for your busy schedule or some habits that your partner finds annoying
• You have become overly conscious of your body and appearance, about how you look or walk and talk
• You feel the urge to spy on their phone or call their friends/colleagues to double-check their whereabouts
• You become suspicious whenever you see your partner talking to another man or woman
• You keep thinking about the details, such as, “How far they went in the affair?”, “Was there sexual intimacy or just talk?
• The mental images of your partner with their affair buddy keep coming back every time they try to touch you and it affects physical intimacy in your relationship

How To Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On – Expert Tips

An affair can shake the foundation of any relationship and you are not wrong to overthink whether your entire married life or this long-term relationship was based on a lie. Why are they cheating on you? How did the love fade away? The thought of “Why me?” pops up in your mind so very frequently. That and so many other questions which make getting over infidelity a tough battle to fight.

However, your focus should not be on the reasons your partner was disloyal to you. Right now, you need to know how to stop worrying after being cheated on. The first step is to accept all your emotions and not judge them. Whatever it is that you are feeling, your feelings are valid. And if you can manifest the following ideas, healing from infidelity and depression will become easier for you:

Related Reading: 9 Psychological Facts About Cheating – Busting The Myths

1. It has nothing to do with you

Why do they cheat? It could be a courage deficit or the fear of being abandoned. Some people have an insecure attachment style for which they go into self-destruction mode the moment things start getting serious. And then there are others who don’t wish to conform to the idea of monogamy, but instead of exploring ethical non-monogamy or polyamory, they cheat on their partner.

However, one thing is certain, cheating on you is their choice and that choice is not influenced by your flaws even though they might try to frame it that way. Two people who are absolutely happy in a love marriage can betray their partners. Even the most good-looking (conventionally speaking), smart, and financially independent people get cheated. The bottom line is, the urge to cheat lies in their psyche and not your shortcomings.

Pooja points out, “Feeling worthless after being cheated on is unfortunately a common experience. Being cheated on does hit one’s self-esteem badly. So how to get over being cheated on? One must remind themselves that this isn’t about them, this is about their partner’s behavior. Self-blame is not right. Nobody should be held responsible for the behavior of any other adult.”

2. Understand the psychology behind cheating

Why are some people more prone to cheating and lying while some manage to stay loyal and honest effortlessly? Pooja answers, “Humans by nature are not monogamous. Monogamy is a social construct and not natural instinct. However, some people promise monogamy to their partners and stay committed to it with emotional effort while others give in to their polyamorous instincts.

“What’s wrong in this whole thing is the breaking of trust or the promises made to each other, not the actual behavior of feeling attracted to many people.” Recovering from depression after an affair would be easier if you understand the psychology behind cheating. You will realize that some cheaters just have unresolved issues and low self-control. We are not saying that this justifies adultery in any way. But it should help you not to blame yourself for whatever happened:

• They almost get a kick out of being rebellious and breaking norms which is why sometimes a cheating person shows no remorse
• Having variety brings the thrill and adrenaline rush to them
• To avoid feeling what they are feeling, they keep wanting what they can’t have
• For some cheaters, their commitment issues are so deep-rooted and self-esteem so crumbled that they fill that ambiguity and incompleteness by doing something that is ‘forbidden’

3. Find out the ‘why’

If you notice closely, you will see that half of the things you are overthinking are majorly made up in your brain in a frenzy of rage or anxiety. For instance, “What if they are still talking to that person behind my back?”, “What if I lose weight? Will he/she love me then?” These ‘what if’s are a dangerous place to dwell in, I tell you! So the first actionable step toward getting over infidelity is to find out why you are so worried about certain things that may or may not happen. We tell you how:

• First, write down one anxious thought that’s bothering you to the core
• Second, figure out why you are so distressed about this
• Third, think if that ominous thing actually happens, how will it affect you? Can you live with the consequences or it’s pretty bad?
• Fourth, is there any way you can solve the issue, say by communicating your concerns with someone?
• Fifth, note down the steps you want to take or talk about and follow that trail
• Sixth, if you realize there’s nothing you can do that will change the course of action or it will not actually affect you, how about you let the thought go? Burn or flush the paper maybe?

4. Get out of the confinement of four walls

They don’t say ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop’ for no reason! We understand the depression after infidelity of your partner has caught hold of you. You live every single day sunk in the breakup blues locked up in your room. Naturally, your work suffers, and so does your social life. And the intrusive thoughts about your partner’s disloyalty eat you up from the inside.

If you are truly eager to know how to stop overthinking after being cheated on, you have to set yourself free from this prison. Even if for an hour a day, go outside, take a walk, look at the greens, breathe in some fresh air. Eventually, when you feel a little better, have a chat with your friends and family members who you can confide in with your deepest emotions. Trust me, you will feel a lot better and find meaning in your life all over again.

Related Reading: Can A Relationship Survive Cheating? 7 Factors That Determine The Outcome

5. Practice grounding exercises

You must have heard about this in many spiritual videos on YouTube – stay grounded, stay in the present, be aware of every breath you take. Mindfulness turns out to be extremely helpful in healing from infidelity and depression. It’s a Buddhist concept that makes you more conscious of your thoughts and actions and helps you connect to your mind, body, and soul.

Slowly, you can let go of the temporary, worldly concerns and be free from your sufferings. Mindfulness meditation coach Ririi Trivedi once spoke to Bonobology on this matter, “Buddhism is all about compassionate living. And, mindfulness helps us become compassionate toward ourselves and others. It teaches us to be non-judgmental.” You can try these exercises to practice mindfulness and get rid of your misery of overthinking:

• Take a walk around the room and name five things you see, two things you hear, and something you can feel
• Stomp your feet, rub your palms together, raise and stretch your hands upward and try to feel the sensation in your body
• Notice your breath. Inhale on four counts, hold for four seconds, and exhale while counting four
• Gaze at the flame of a candle for five to ten minutes and try to introspect on your thoughts
• Practice stillness, be it in your room or on the lawn, try to stay still for ten to twenty minutes
• Practice guided meditation

6. Modify your living arrangement

Moving on after being cheated on becomes harder when two people are living together and one of them has betrayed the other’s trust. There will be a hell and heaven difference in your partner’s behavior after getting caught cheating. They will be either too defensive or too indifferent and skeptical to have conversations. And there will certainly be a great deal of blame-shifting going on in the relationship.

In the middle of this chaos, you will hardly get any time and space to process the shock and feel what you truly feel about your mental state and the future of this relationship. So, we suggest, you make a separate living arrangement, perhaps shift with a friend or move back to your parents’ for a couple of weeks. It will give you both the required time to gain some clarity on how you want to take the next step.

7. Rebounds will hurt you more

My friend, Paul, keeps telling me, “After my ex-wife cheated on me, I feel like fooling around, drowning myself in casual relationships, and taking a break from serious commitment. Is it okay to have rebounds to get over being cheated on? Can you tell me how do I stop thinking about being cheated on or I’ll keep flinging myself into hookups.” 

Studies show that 90% of rebound relationships end within three months. From a realistic perception, we can say that rebound relationships may work like a soothing ointment to your broken soul for the time being but it cannot be a long-term solution to get over depression after infidelity. Here’s why a rebound relationship does more damage than good in most cases:

• You are getting in this with the sole purpose of making your ex jealous which is not fair to your rebound partner
• Since you are emotionally vulnerable at this moment, the odds of getting exploited are high
• Your trust and abandonment issues from the past relationship will be projected on this one
• In most cases, these relationships tend to be purely physical and you don’t find the emotional intimacy you seek

Pooja articulates, “There is no harm in casual relationships, every relationship need not be committed. What is wrong is this: you are seeking the lost partner in every partner you are with. They still remain the gold standard of love. Or, you are with others to make them jealous or settle a score with them. Rebounds can be very tempting but it’s not the key to ‘how to get over being cheated on’. However, a deep and independent connection with someone genuine must be nourished.”

Related Reading: The 5 Stages Of A Rebound Relationship

8. Find ways to release the anger

How to stop overthinking after being cheated on? Well, we realize that there is a lot of pent-up anger and frustration in your mind which is unfolding as overthinking, anxiety, and depression after infidelity of your partner. If these suppressed emotions get a vent, it will take a weight off your chest. Instead of raising your voice or being rude to nice people, you need to adopt a healthy harmless approach to release the anger, and here are a few of them:

• Scream!!! In a pillow, inside your locked car, or on the roof of your office building. Let it all out
• Find a rage room or smash room in your vicinity and break some stuff
• Do a cleansing ritual – burn some pictures or letters from your partner
• Go to the gym and punch a sandbag as hard as you can
• Now, on the mellow side, you can let your artistic soul out and sing, dance, or paint your anger away

9. Know that not everyone’s the same

Research points out that it is extremely difficult to rebuild trust with a partner who has cheated on you. The ones who go through infidelity show reactions like disappointment, anger, and even an urge to control their partner. Their forgiveness depends on a lot of factors like guilt on the part of the cheater, the future of their children, love and affection between them, positive changes shown by the cheater, etc.

Being cheated on leads to trust issues with not just a partner but with other people in general too. So how to stop worrying after being cheated on? Pooja answers, “We must break the mental barrier about people. Everyone and every relationship shall not be like the previous one in which you experienced heartbreak or infidelity. One will have to be slightly brave to be vulnerable again with someone. One must let others help and prove that they care and are trustworthy.”

Look at it this way. You are disillusioned now. When your illusions are broken, life brings you closer to reality. Your partner denied you something and now you feel incomplete. But isn’t it an illusion that you need someone else to make you feel complete? It’s time to look deeper instead of reacting and trying to fix someone else. This incident has the power to open up a spiritual dimension for you. As Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

10. Resist the temptation to seek revenge

Clients often ask Pooja, “Please tell me how do I stop thinking about being cheated on? I feel vengeful. I want him to feel the same hurt as me. I sometimes ask God to put him through the same misery. Am I an evil person? ” Pooja points out, “Feeling vengeful is a natural reaction to such deep hurt. As long as one doesn’t actually get vicious or act out on a plan of revenge that leads to real harm, these feelings are natural. You are not an evil person.”

Remember, in trying to punish somebody, you will only end up punishing yourself. You don’t have to react to them or do something stupid, like them. Instead, focus on what you want from life, on how to find peace after being cheated on. Here’s a tip on how to cope after being cheated on by your partner and tame the thoughts of drawing an evil plan:

• If you feel like resorting to revenge cheating, think again
• Make constructive use of your grief by becoming professionally successful
• Take all this anger and frustration, and channel it into your career. It will give you happiness, satisfaction, and a sense of empowerment
• Excelling in what you do might give you a kick that’s even greater than romantic love

Related Reading: Expert Lists Out 9 Effects Of Cheating In A Relationship

11. How to recover from being cheated on? Focus on yourself

Drowning yourself in alcohol, drugs, sex, or work might distract you for a temporary time period, but it won’t fix your pain. The pain will come rushing back until you try and find ways to make peace with it. We ask Pooja about how to cope after being cheated on by someone you still love. She answers, “The pain will take some time as each person processes grief and loss differently.” She shares some tips to get you through this period:

• Cry it out and let yourself feel all the feelings
• Focus on your healing process, and not the cheating incident
• Start by eating healthy and working out
• Indulge in self-love and self-care
• Take care of your mental health
• Find beautiful ways to date yourself
• Find a new hobby or rekindle an old one

12. Ways of moving on after being cheated on? Write down your thoughts

If you are wondering, “How to stop overthinking after being cheated on?”, there is one more thing you can try before visiting a therapist – journaling. Whenever you feel you are losing control over your thoughts and your mind is traveling uncharted territories, write it all down. You don’t have to be too poetic or a grammar nazi when it comes to documenting your thinking.

Take a stream-of-consciousness approach and write spontaneously just as they come to you. Looking at your thoughts in black and white is almost like looking at them from a third person’s perspective and it gives you a lot of clarity than you can imagine. After a few months, if you feel like going back through the pages, you will get an idea of how far you have come since then and you can keep track of your progress.

13. Seek professional help 

Finally, infidelity is traumatizing and it might lead to a serious dent in self-esteem and trust issues for life. That’s how cheating affects the brain deeply. Coping with something like that needs healing at a deeper level. How to eventually be happy after being cheated on? Working with a licensed therapist can help you heal in ways beyond your comprehension. Also if you are looking for a cheating spouse support group online, we have a few suggestions:

You might even be confused as to whether you should get back with your partner or let them go. You might be torn between whether you should fight for them or be strong enough to pull away. Seeking professional help becomes the need of the hour in such cases. Our counselors from Bonobology’s panel, like Pooja Priyamvada, can help you with this. 

How can you make sure that your next partner doesn’t cheat on you? How to find peace after being cheated on? Pooja concludes, “Have conversations with your partner, talk about your triggers and insecurities, and ultimately, accept that not all relationships are forever. So if at some stage they move on or you do, it’s alright, but it must be done with consent and not cheating. You cannot ensure their commitment to the relationship; you can only make your boundaries and commitment clear.”

Now that you have a fair idea about how to stop overthinking after being cheated on, let’s end with the quote by Donald Driver, “Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Do better. Much better. Rise above. Become so engulfed in your own success that you forget it ever happened.” Just remember, that there was nothing wrong with you, and playing games or seeking revenge won’t help you. Only channeling your energies toward constructive directions can heal you. Just focus on yourself. Everything else can wait.

This article has been updated in June, 2023. 

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Falling Out Of Love After Infidelity – Is It Normal And What To Do

The Sexual Health Centre (SHC) has launched its annual report for 2022, showcasing the organisation’s commitment to providing accessible and innovative sexual health services to the community.

2022 represented a return to normal service, with quality and innovation remaining at the heart of the organisation. The Sexual Health Centre provided sexual health services online, over the phone, and in person throughout 2022. They also launched an online booking service for rapid HIV testing, and introduced a TikTok account to make sexual health even more accessible and visible in the lives of the Cork community.

The SHC’s commitment to accessible sexual health services is reflected in the impressive numbers of enquiries and contacts made by the community in 2022. The centre received a total of 7133 enquiries by phone, email and drop in. The website also received an impressive 47,000 views throughout the year, showing that the SHC’s online presence is making a real difference in the lives of people in Cork.

The Centre also continued to provide outreach services to youth, outreach and LGBTI+ groups, making 4673 health promotion contacts in total. This work is essential to reach those in the community who may not have access to sexual health services otherwise, and the SHC is proud to be making a difference in these groups.

One of the standout achievements of the year was the distribution of 59,267 condoms, of which 19,248 were posted to clients via the condom postal service. This is a testament to the importance of the SHC’s work in promoting safe and healthy sexual practices, and the success of its outreach initiatives.

Speaking about the annual report, SHC Executive Director, Dr Martin Davoen, said: “We are delighted to share our 2022 annual report with the community, which reflects the hard work and dedication of our team. We were able to provide a high level of service, and even introduce new initiatives such as the online booking service and TikTok account. We are grateful to the Cork community for their continued support and trust in our services.”

The Sexual Health Centre has been serving the Cork community for over 30 years, providing non-judgmental, confidential, and professional sexual health services to people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations. The SHC remains committed to its mission of promoting healthy sexuality and supporting the sexual health and well-being of the community.

In addition to its postal condom service and bag service for sex workers, the Sexual Health Centre’s annual report for 2022 has highlighted the success of its tailored workshops, which reached a wide variety of client groups throughout the year. The majority of these workshops were delivered face-to-face where possible, with some online sessions offered for training and geographical reasons.

In total, 4,673 contacts were made last year, demonstrating the centre’s commitment to providing tailored and accessible sexual health education to a range of client groups. These groups include people living in direct provision centres, migrant populations, people engaging in sex work, people linked in with homeless services, the travelling community, youth from training centres and non-mainstream schools, and groups within the disability sector.

Workshops in relation to LGBTI+ capacity building were also offered to a number of professionals, multi-national corporations and community groups. The Sexual Health Centre’s commitment to providing education and support to these often-marginalized communities is a key part of its mission to provide accessible and inclusive sexual health services to all members of the community.

Marie Collins, Director of the Sexual Health Centre, said: “We are proud of the success of our tailored workshops and the impact they have had on the lives of people in the Cork community and beyond. Our team works tirelessly to provide education and support to a wide range of client groups, and the positive feedback we receive is a testament to their hard work and dedication.” The Sexual Health Centre’s commitment to quality and innovation is evident in its diverse range of services and its dedication to providing accessible sexual health education and support to all members of the community.

END

“With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under. With a taste of a poison paradise. I’m addicted to you.” Britney Spears said it! New love keeps us wrapped around its finger. Feelings of ecstasy overpower our rational minds and always leave us thirsty for more. But does it always work out? Ahead, we have for you 15 early signs a relationship will not last, no matter how high it takes you today.

Have you been losing interest in your relationship even though it’s just been a few months? Or is it your partner who has been low on communication lately? Whatever the case may be, holding onto a relationship when you know it won’t work out only brings misery. There are always some subtle signs a relationship is failing, hidden away in dark corners.

A recent study outlines the various reasons that some romances die early. With 106 participants in the study, the top five reasons found were incompatibility, lack of feelings, long distance, infidelity, and family disapproval. 

15 Early Signs A Relationship Will Not Last

Maybe you’ve been feeling more distant than usual from your partner. Maybe you miss the way it was when you and your partner had started dating. While not every fight or spat has to mean a relationship is ending, a constant feeling of disappointment and hopelessness early on in the relationship can spell doom.

Sitting with yourself and understanding what you and your partner bring into each other’s life proves to be helpful most of the time. However, if you find the problem too complex to be solved on your own, communicate. Do not let your communication stagnate and if it does, it could be a sign that a relationship will not last. Before you have this conversation, read through this list of some early signs you’re in love but the relationship is not working out.

1. You cannot be yourself around them

If being around your partner feels tiring, you are probably getting exhausted of being the person they want you to be. So, instead, try to be yourself. If that does not make them love you more, what will?

They say the hardest months in a relationship is when the honeymoon phase wears off because that’s when you see the person for who they are. How long would you be willing to keep up with the pretense after all? Let go of those masks, show them your true self. Fights are ordinary but feeling insecure about yourself in the relationship is not.  

Related Reading: Love Vs Like – 20 Differences Between I Love You And I Like You

2. Passion/lust dictates your meetings

A sexual connection in a relationship could be crucial for its survival. However, a relationship that bases its foundation solely on sexual attraction would soon topple. Sooner or later, you are bound to wear each other out. When that happens, love is the only cushion that lessens the hurt of the fall. Without that, the relationship ends.

Relationships that begin solely on the note of sexual attraction don’t often meet fairytale conclusions, as corroborated by this Quora user, “My take on this is that many ‘passionate’ relationships are based on infatuation, not love. Thus, when the infatuation/lust in such relationships has run its course – usually within a 9–18 month time frame – one or both people get bored, realize they don’t know or even “like” the other person that much, look for greener grass, then the relationship collapses.” 

3. Your partner is still stuck on an ex

One of the most evident relationship red flags that means a couple won’t last is when you see your partner still moping about their ex(es). Don’t get us wrong, unresolved traumas are a part of everyone’s emotional baggage. Sometimes, people heal alone and other times, they heal as they learn the right meaning of love.

However, a sure sign that a relationship won’t last is when they constantly talk about their ex. In fact, they search for reasons to bring them up. In another scenario, if their past relationship was toxic and they cannot seem to cut ties with their ex, it’s probably time for you to confront them.

4. They are overly judgemental toward you

If your partner has not been giving you room to be yourself because they micromanage everything you do, it’s time to reconsider. How will you see yourself with this person in the long term if they keep disapproving of everything you do? Self-validation is the only validation needed in 2023 and it’s time to set emotional boundaries. Do not let anyone tell you how to do something you love and what not to do. Be yourself. Eat that piece of cake or cancel that date for an important business meeting. Either way, it’s only you who gets to decide for yourself.

5. All your close ones disapprove – This could be a sign the relationship won’t last

One of the major red flags that means a relationship won’t last is when all your near and dear ones seem to disapprove of your partner. We do not always guarantee the situation but in most circumstances, they see in them what you are too blinded to accept. Usually, in the early months of a relationship, love blindsides us from all directions. Enchanted and mesmerized, we assume the absolute best in people who do not deserve to be given chances. Open your eyes. 

Related Reading: 11 Signs Your Partner Is Not Right For You

6. Your partner often disappears

Inconsistency is such a turn-off. Who would want to invest their time and mental space with someone who cannot do the bare minimum – show up? Adrianna, a 30-year-old pelvic floor therapist, shares with us, “I never know where I stand with her. She treats me so well for a week but then I can’t get her to reply to a text for days. If your partner disappears on a whim for days or weeks on end, what does that mean?”

Maybe, just maybe, that is because she’s just not into you. It is a sign that a relationship will not last. You know what you should never beg for? Mature communication. Raise your standards and know your self-worth to be more than flaky texts and irregular meet-ups. If someone was interested in you, they would show up. If they wanted to be with you, they would do that. 

Constantly worrying about your partner losing interest in you is not healthy. Let them walk out the door because even if no one else shows up, at least you’re not in bad company.

7. You don’t indulge in emotional conversations

One of the sure signs a relationship would not last is usually in the quietness you share. If the silence between the two of you is never after an emotionally enriching conversation, there is an issue to address. Effective communication is much more important than meaningless banter, even if it makes you momentarily uncomfortable.

Emotions are the foundations of a relationship. If a person is actively trying to ignore or bury them, they are bound to implode/explode one day or another. It shows the lack of dependability and emotional intelligence in a partner. And if it’s you who’s not that emotionally invested, but they are, we advise you to reconsider.

8. Your philosophies are not compatible

There is a certain level of compatibility that is demanded out of every relationship that exists. Two people cannot expect to co-exist if everything they stand for contradicts each other’s perspectives. This would only result in an unhappy match or a miserable marriage. What you should do, therefore, is have a conversation about where you see yourselves in the future. Talk about how you plan to lead your lives and about the values and political beliefs that you hold the closest to your hearts.

The hardest months of a relationship are when you both begin to connect with each other on a deeper level. You begin to see each other as you really are, not for what’s put on display for the rest of the world. If most or plenty of those things don’t align, a relationship might not be the best thing to try out with this person.

9. If they are always on the defensive, it could be a sign the relationship won’t last

If they get offended and argue every time you ask them to come forth and be responsible, nobility is not their strongest suit. Understanding and acknowledging your partner’s perspectives is a must in a healthy and long-lasting relationship. One of the clear signs that a relationship won’t last is when you feel attacked whenever you gently bring up an issue that hurts you. If they start defending themselves without a cause, start talking about issues that would force them to introspect. 

10. Your partner is all talk and no work

No relationship can be founded on the bedrock of half-ass promises and broken oaths. Changes made should be changes that are visible and obvious. If they talk of a future that they see with you, but do not actively change or mold things into that direction, it can be a red flag that means a relationship won’t last.

Ask them to not talk that talk, but walk it instead. Otherwise, learn to accept that he or she’s just not attracted to you, or they would have tried. Shake it off and know that it is their loss.

11. You’re not part of their future

Check for this sign once you’ve both committed to being exclusive. If you’ve been hearing them talk of mighty fancy tales of their future plans but never hear of yourself as a part of them, maybe it’s time to open up about how you feel. Maybe it is because they do not feel it is the right time to discuss it. But if it bothers you, the best way to handle it is to speak up.

Imagining a future with them and keeping them as a central figure in yours whilst they focus elsewhere could lead to unwanted drama and chaos. If things don’t seem to change even after a conversation, it could be taken as a clear sign that the relationship won’t last. They are allowed to have different priorities but it needs to be made clear to you.

Related Reading: 11 Painful Signs Your Partner Is Taking Your Relationship For Granted

12. Boundaries do not exist in your relationship

No matter how close you are with someone in life, boundaries are required to exist. Even with your parents and partners, boundaries must not disappear. Whether it is to knock on your door when you are busy or asking how your day was before ranting about their own, boundaries are easy to lay down as long as both parties are mature enough to understand. 

If all types of boundaries have been lacking in your relationship, things could get tricky in the future. Do not let your partner violate your boundaries in an attempt to please them. Be cautious and set the ground rules before you take off.

13. There’s an absence of inherent faith between you both

Love comes hand in hand with faith. If it is not accompanied by trust and kindness, something is amiss. If you must explain yourself through every small and big disagreement, there are fundamentals that could be in question. A Quora user says, “You can indeed love someone you do not trust. What you can’t do is have a healthy relationship with someone you do not trust.” 

14. A clear sign your relationship won’t last – Your partner is never wrong

In a fight or an argument, it hardly ever matters who got it right. What matters is how two people wade through a conflict, especially if they are in a romantic relationship. In fact, how someone takes criticism or ‘no’ for an answer shows you a lot about who they are as a person.

Although none of us have saint-like reactions when triggered, we must remember to be humane enough to never hurt the person we love. Sometimes, it takes a lot to hold ourselves back but it is never too difficult if the person in question is the one we claim to love the most. 

If you’ve been thinking of exiting your relationship but are not sure, it might just be an indicator enough for you to realize your unhappiness. Here’s a study that evaluates the decision patterns of people wondering if they must quit a connection or stay to explore its depth. 

15. They behave poorly toward others

Have you noticed the way your partner speaks to others? When you are at a restaurant and the service lacks in many ways, notice how your partner addresses the staff to express their displeasure. Note the way they converse with their colleagues or juniors.

If they display an unpleasant attitude when irritated with others, chances are, the behavior would soon reach you too. Having anger issues is one thing but doing nothing to manage it is another. So, make sure that you’re alert to not just how they behave with you, but how they treat others as well.

These were some of the 15 early signs a relationship will not last. Did you check some of these off? A couple of them do not raise an alarm but too many could signify a potential problem in the road ahead. However, before you assume and drive down a path that leads to chaos, sit down with your partner and attempt to have a healthy conversation. Tell them about how you feel and that you wish to make certain changes. Their response should be an answer to all your queries. And remember: no response is an answer too! 

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Since the 1970s, LGBTQ people in this country have been fighting; fighting for equal rights and fighting to dismantle the stereotype that their relationships have no intrinsic value.

The truth is, LGBTQ relationships can be just as loving and committed as heterosexual ones. And they can also have similar challenges to heterosexual relationships as far as finances, parenting, household chores and so on.

There are, however, certain conflicts and interests that are unique to same-sex couples.

Friendships

In heterosexual relationships, there is a clear boundary marked by sex. For instance, a woman may spend a “night out with the girls” without creating feelings of insecurity in her male partner. Similarly, a man could spend the day watching the football game with his best guy friend and there would be no issue.

If however, she wanted to hang out with an ex-boyfriend or he was helping a female coworker train for a marathon, there may be some tension.

This tension is commonplace for same-sex couples as most friends and exes are of the same sex.

Same-sex partners cannot expect to spend 100% of the time together. And in fact, it is healthy to spend time apart. But I always suggest to my clients that they set some definitive rules at the beginning of the relationship and have open and honest conversations so feelings don’t get hurt and both parties are heard.

Out VS Not Out

Same-sex couples have another unique issue and that is that each partner may have a different level of comfort as far as being open about their homosexuality. For instance, one partner may be completely “out of the closet” and want to show physical affection in public while the other may not be as out or comfortable.

I help my clients communicate with one another so each party can express what they need in these situations. Every person is entitled to develop their feelings of ease in this regard in their own way and own time.

Non-Inclusive Language

Many same-sex couples wish to start a family just as heterosexual couples do. But it can be stressful and frustrating when running into situations where non-inclusive language is the norm. For instance, your child is repeatedly told by their teacher, “Bring this permission slip home to your mommy and daddy.” Or when a man is in the park pushing his baby in a stroller and a well-meaning passerby says, “Aw, adorable, does he look like you or your wife?” Over time, these situations can really wear a person down.

Being in a committed couple is challenging, no matter the sex of each partner, and you are certain to run into your fair share of conflicts. How you handle them is what makes the difference between a strong, healthy relationship and one that ends in ugliness.

If you and your partner are struggling with any issues and would like to speak with someone who can help, please reach out to me.

The LGBTQ movement has made some landmark strides in the past decade. The “Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell” policy was repealed, health insurance discrimination has been prevented, and same-sex marriage has been legalized nationwide. This, in combination with greater awareness and visibility of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people in society and the media, has helped LGBTQ teens find the courage to come out to their families and friends.

Though it is easier for teens to come out today than in generations past, that does not mean they do not need support, and plenty of it. Here are a few important ways you can support LGBTQ teens in coming out:

1. Encourage Authenticity

There are different levels of coming out. Some teenagers may find the courage to say the words, yet still have a hard time fully expressing themselves. If left unchecked, this muted self-expression can lead to anxiety and depression down the road. Try to find ways to let young people in your life know they can be 100% authentic around you.

2. Help Create Safe Spaces

Take a look around your local community to see if there are safe spaces for LGBTQ youth. If not, what can you do to change that? You might want to consider contacting school board officials and encourage them to adopt inclusive policies. Another way to ensure your community is safe for LGBTQ teens is to not tolerate hate speech. There are also many resources online that offer the best practices in creating safe spaces for LGBTQ youth.

3. Join the Fight

Though the LGBTQ movement has come a long way, there is still much that needs to be done to ensure full LGBTQ equality. You can join the fight and stay up-to-date on local, state and federal advocacy.

If you know an LGBTQ teen who needs some extra support and encouragement while coming out, you might suggest they speak with a professional counselor who can facilitate communication with family members and also offer coping tools and strategies.

Marriage can have different meanings for women depending on their priorities in life. It’s fascinating how some women view it as an incredibly important stepping stone in life, while others see it as just a label for fitting into the community. Regardless of what marriage means to a woman, we mustn’t judge her for her choice.

Let’s face it, marriage is serious business. It’s undoubtedly a significant milestone in the lives of those who decide to take that leap. Besides, maintaining a strong marital bond requires substantial effort and commitment from both partners. After all, the expectations change as you transition from being bonded by your feelings and emotions to your lives merged by marital vows. It’s a whole new ballgame. In this article, we’re going to the nitty-gritty of this ballgame from a woman’s perspective. Let’s figure out what marriage means to a woman.

What Marriage Means To A Woman – We Figured These 9 Things

Marriage is more than just romantic honeymoon plans and cute anniversary gifts. It is a legal commitment that affects all aspects of a person’s life – familial, economic, and social. Many consider it to be the ultimate act of love or a sacred union that binds two souls together for eternity. However, walking into marriage isn’t always easy. Of course, it may bring immense fulfillment to a woman’s life, but it also comes with its fair share of challenges.

So, what does marriage mean to a woman? What is the importance of marriage in her life? Well, it can mean different things to different women. For some, it represents unwavering commitment and serves as a reliable support system. It can be a source of sexual intimacy, emotional security, or economic stability. On the flip side, some women may not find marriage important at all. They have their unique perspectives. To get more insights on this topic, we spoke to a few women about their views on married life, and we figured out these nine things:

1. Companionship and support system for life

“To me, marriage means a lifelong companionship. It’s about sharing my life, the highs and lows, with a partner who truly understands, respects, and loves me, just as I do for him. It’s like embarking on this incredible journey of a lifetime together. Marriage is a beautiful thing. But like any journey, there will be ups and downs in marriage, twists and turns, tough moments, and happy ones. What makes it truly special is having that unwavering presence by your side, knowing that someone will be there with you through it all. These are my expectations from marriage. It’s a beautiful institution that holds so much meaning and promise,” says Carrie (36) from Boston, Massachusetts.

That’s a common purpose of marriage today – companionship and support in a relationship. It is one of the best support systems a woman could have in her life. Just imagine having that one person you can come home to and share absolutely everything with. Whether it’s happiness or sorrow, the mundane day-to-day stuff or major milestones, mood swings, or work troubles, you know they’ll be there to listen and help you deal with it all. They’re the person you can celebrate your victories with and lean on during your failures. And what’s amazing is that they not only listen to your thoughts but also offer a fresh perspective that can truly make a difference.

To a woman, her spouse can be her safe space. It’s having that best friend and confidante who stands by your side through thick and thin. They become your partner in crime, whether it’s watching movies together, reading books, or simply enjoying meals. It’s such a beautiful bond between two people, don’t you think? To have that level of trust and love, where you know that no matter what life throws at you, your partner will be there to catch you. It’s that feeling of knowing you’re not alone, that you have someone who truly cares for you and accepts you for who you are. That’s the true essence of marriage and what makes it so special to a woman.

Related Reading: 55 Hobbies For Couples To Feel Closer And Strengthen Their Bond

2. What marriage means to a woman – not a necessity

A lot of women view marriage as nothing more than a socially mandated label to legitimize a relationship. According to them, love and commitment are not contingent on a certificate or a piece of paper. They firmly believe that you can build trust in a relationship and be dedicated and committed to a partner without ever tying the knot.

“Signing a legal document as proof of my commitment and loyalty to my partner is not what truly symbolizes marriage to me. This is not the marriage meaning I believe in. I think that love and commitment should be based on feelings and choices and not driven by societal approval. Who needs a piece of paper to define their relationship, right?” says Sandra (38), sharing her views on the importance of marriage.

In fact, some women argue that getting married can make things complicated, especially if the marriage doesn’t work out. The process of divorce and dealing with alimony laws can be quite messy, whether it’s done mutually or not. It involves numerous legal hassles that can add stress and complications to an already difficult situation.

So, for these women, marriage is not a necessity. They prioritize the strength of their relationship. They believe in the freedom to define their commitment in their way, without conforming to societal norms or legal formalities. It’s about finding happiness and fulfillment on their own terms, regardless of whether they choose to get married or not.

3. Way too many responsibilities

Marriage is not a union of two individuals. In many countries, especially in Asian cultures, when you marry someone, you also marry into their entire family. And let me tell you, that can bring a whole lot of responsibility and sometimes even conflicts. In some cases, in-laws tend to have a significant influence on the couple’s lives, and that can lead to major arguments between a husband and wife. And unfortunately, it’s usually the woman who ends up shouldering the responsibilities and is expected to fulfill them flawlessly (especially if she is in a situation where she is staying married for financial reasons).

“Being in a relationship or living with your partner is way better than getting married because you’re not bound by rules, expectations, and responsibilities. You are not expected to be the perfect wife, daughter-in-law, mother, homemaker, and so on. You don’t have to compromise on things you don’t want to. No facing situations where you have to choose between career and marriage or motherhood. You don’t have to deal with societal pressure to get pregnant or figure out what’s a good wife. You and your partner get to decide what’s best for yourselves and the relationship,” says Aparna, an Indian living in Palmetto Bay.

Related Reading: 160 Ultimate What If Questions About Love For Couples

4. Deeper sexual intimacy

Sex is one of the important things in marriages. In fact, for a lot of women, sexual intimacy can be one of the reasons to marry. It holds a special place in what marriage means to a woman. A friend of mine, who requested anonymity, says, “I felt a deeper sexual intimacy with my husband only after marriage. It’s not like we weren’t intimate while we were dating. While premarital sex had its charm, for me, sex after marriage was really special. It felt more meaningful and intimate. Definitely one of the biggest pros of marriage for me.”

5. Economic stability

There is a strong connection between money and marriage. One of the things that many women expect from marriage is a sense of financial security. Economic stability is one of the purposes of marriage for some women. Many married couples are often better off financially and can manage their money more effectively as a team. Nowadays, as more women are financially independent, they do seek partners with whom they can optimize their economic standing and work toward building the life of their dreams.

6. Commitment to each other

Commitment to stay together and always be there for each other is a common purpose of marriage today. Sustaining a marriage requires a high level of commitment from both partners, which, in turn, offers a sense of security, stability, and entitlement. If you’re committed to mutually supporting and nurturing each other, you can create a long-lasting relationship.

“My first marriage didn’t work out, even though my ex and I were very much in love when we decided to take the plunge. Yet, I had to sign the divorce papers and walk out with my two little girls. This experience didn’t waver my faith in the institution. I found love again and my forever partner in my husband, Jason, and it’s been a beautiful journey.”

“I made sure I wasn’t marrying for the wrong reasons this time, and marriage is what brings us together. For me, marriage is an ongoing process that requires effort and a strong will to stay together despite all odds. Any successful long-term relationship requires hard work from two people. Every single day. It needs dedication, love, commitment, loyalty, trust, and forgiveness at every step of the way,” says Sarah (56) from California.

Truly, commitment is key to a strong marriage. Having a faithful and loyal partner who promises to stand by you through thick and thin feels great.You promise to care for each other for life.

7. Love and oneness

Walking into marriage should be all about love, right? When two people decide to spend their lives together, it’s because they deeply care for each other. Practical and financial reasons to get married are all very well but love is the foundation – the glue that holds it all together. While becoming a wife, a woman seeks unconditional love and oneness. It goes beyond physical attraction, connecting on a spiritual and emotional level too.

In a marriage, oneness is key. It means accepting and loving your partner just the way they are, imperfections and all. You accept each other’s flaws and differences and help each other grow individually as well as a couple. You work, celebrate milestones, and face marriage problems that come your way as a united front. A marital bond allows you to share your deepest thoughts, emotions, and dreams with your partner, creating a life together as a team.

“What is a healthy marriage like? To me, it is about two people living together, spoiling each other, and sharing duties, responsibilities, and love equally. You trust each other and make your own rules instead of conforming to societal norms. That kind of marriage is a beautiful thing,” says Cassie (45) and we couldn’t agree more. You work toward your dreams and goals together, supporting and nurturing each other along the way. That is the importance of marriage for a woman.

Related Reading: 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse – Spice Up Your Marriage

8. What marriage means to a woman – Having a family of her own

For some women, having a child can be a powerful motivator to take that step into marriage. It becomes one of the meaningful purposes of marriage for them. After all, parenting is an incredible journey filled with excitement. While we acknowledge that you can be an amazing mother without being married, raising a child in a marriage (if that’s what you want) can be a fulfilling journey that gives you a chance at building your own family.

9. Emotional security

Emotional safety in a marriage is a major drawcard that has kept this institution relevant even in this fast-changing world. Becoming a wife is incredibly satisfying when you know it means finding someone who’ll stand by you through the good and bad. Men and women, both, look for emotional safety, stability and support in a marriage. You need to be able to be yourself and share your feelings, dreams, and aspirations with the person you’ve decided to spend your life with. You should be able to feel vulnerable yet safe.

Ultimately, marriage is about the union of two souls. Partners need to connect on multiple levels – emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically. There should be deep emotional intimacy, a strong connection, and a profound sense of belonging for a marriage to thrive. Knowing that there’s someone to take care of you when you’re sick, listen to you when you’re upset, and provide comfort when you’re at your lowest is an incredible and fulfilling feeling for many women.

At the end of the day, marriage is a personal choice. Every woman should have the freedom to make that decision for herself. It is undoubtedly a big step in the life of a woman, and she should take it only when she feels ready. And you know what? If she never wants to get married, that’s okay too. There’s no rule saying that women are born to get married. So let us respect and support women in whatever choices they make, without any judgment.

This article has been updated in June 2023.

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The Memorial Day holiday marks both the unofficial start to summer and the beginning of Sweaty SCOTUS Season here at Rewire News Group. It’s the time of year when we wait for the conservative justices to render down the term’s worst decisions.

Last year, we waited on the Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision with the faintest hope that the leak of the draft opinion the month prior showing the Court was prepared to overturn Roe v. Wade would have changed. It did not, and we’ve been tracking the fallout of that decision here ever since.

This term may not have such a historic case, but it has others with the potential to unleash devastating harms. Here are a few that we’re watching.

Haaland v. Brackeen

This case threatens to upend the Indian Child Welfare Act, a nearly 50-year-old law safeguarding against Native and Indigenous children being adopted out of their families and tribes. The ICWA was designed to try and halt the cultural genocide against Native and Indigenous people in this country by preserving tribal and familial ties in adoption.

There’s the very real possibility that by the end of this month, the Court will have gotten rid of those protections by claiming they are racist against white families who want to adopt.

Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard/University of North Carolina

The Court is also poised to end affirmative action in university admissions on the grounds that those policies are also racist. Should this happen—and there’s every reason to believe it will be based on oral arguments in the fall—the results will reach far beyond college admission programs. That’s because the justices will have to rewrite constitutional law in order to determine that race-based affirmative action programs are unconstitutional because they are not “race-blind” or “race-neutral.”

If that framing sounds familiar, it should. It’s the same one circulating in school districts nationwide as conservatives push to whitewash history curriculums that either downplay the harms and reality of slavery and Reconstruction or erase them from public school curricula altogether.

303 Creative LLC v. Elenis

The Court’s conservatives—during Pride Month no less—may have yet another opportunity to rewrite constitutional law to their liking and enshrine anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination into law.

This time, it’s the First Amendment’s free speech principles in order to allow people with an anti-LGBTQ+ bias to avoid complying with civil rights laws. A wedding website designer claims she should not have to design websites for same-sex couples because those websites are effectively “speech,” and doing so effectively compels her to endorse marriage equality, something she is religiously opposed to.

A ruling on her behalf would open the door to a host of possible avenues to further marginalize LGBTQ+ folks—at a time when legislative and actual violence against them is spiking.

So while the Court may not have a decision like Dobbs on its docket this month, the conservative justices can still enact plenty of harm. And don’t forget, thanks to the conservative crusade against medication abortion and their cooked-up case against FDA approval of mifepristone, there’s the very real possibility that abortion is back before the Court in the fall.

In other words, it’s nothing but bad news from this Court for the foreseeable future. When the Court issues these decisions, we’ll bring you live reaction episodes of Boom! Lawyered, so be sure to follow us on YouTube for updates on when we go live.

Have you ever opened your medicine cabinet and realized you’re out of birth control pills—only to call your doctor’s office and learn the next available appointment is in two months? Unfortunately, many of us can easily envision this frustratingly common scenario. But it doesn’t have to be like this, if the Food and Drug Administration follows scientific evidence and makes a final decision this summer to approve the first over-the-counter daily oral contraceptive pill.

In May, an expert advisory committee voted 17-0 in favor of granting over-the-counter status to the pill without restrictions. The next step is for the FDA to issue its final ruling, which could happen in the next couple of months.

“I think that it’s really an access issue,” Dr. Katalin Roth of George Washington University said at the FDA advisory committee hearing. “We know that access is even worse than it used to be given a number of socio-economic factors and disparities. I don’t see why the general population of women cannot safely have this medication available over the counter … I think that making it available over-the-counter is the right thing for women.”

As a family physician, I see firsthand the urgent need to eliminate medically unnecessary barriers to birth control. I’m also familiar with the scientific data and strongly encourage the FDA to move swiftly to take the next step and allow the pill to be sold on store shelves.

We have decades of evidence that shows people are capable of safely using birth control pills over the counter. It’s already available without a prescription in more than 100 countries. Here in the United States, the medical community has coalesced in support of making the pill available without a prescription.

Leading experts from the American Academy of Family Physicians, American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology, and American Academy of Pediatrics have all supported the change. So what’s the delay? With the advisory committee’s recommendation, the FDA is closer than ever to making over-the-counter access to birth control pills a reality.

As a family medicine physician practicing in New York City, I see people with barriers to contraceptive access on a regular basis. Many people think an urban area like New York City would have no issue with access, but that’s just not the case.

I work in a large family medicine practice with locations around the city, and it’s not unusual for a patient to have to wait months to get an appointment with their primary care provider. Wait times aside, for people without insurance, the trip to a doctor’s office can be prohibitively expensive. Others may have difficulty getting time off work or can’t afford to lose income from an hourly job to keep food on the table. Some struggle to find child care or coverage for other obligations, like tending to a sick family member.

And all these problems, along with others, are magnified for those living in rural areas, who often need to travel long distances to the closest doctor’s office, even if they don’t own a car. Of course, these issues highlight existing, systemic disparities in health-care access. They also underscore outcomes that already weigh most heavily on medically marginalized communities—like Black and Indigenous communities, recent immigrants, people with disabilities, LGBTQ+ people, and children.

I see people of all ages and genders at my practice, those with insurance and without it. Most of my patients are of reproductive age and contraception is one of the most common reasons people come into the office to see me. Some methods, like placing a long-acting contraceptive device, will always require a doctor’s visit, but people shouldn’t have to make the trek to my office just to get birth control pills. I know my patients can read the label and make a safe decision for themselves, just like they do with more dangerous medications like acetaminophen (Tylenol). The medical community already knows that this change is safe and effective, but it’s also important to recognize that this is a necessary step in ensuring reproductive freedoms in our communities.

I commend the FDA advisory committee for following the sound scientific evidence and unanimously voting to recommend over-the-counter access to the birth control pill. I strongly urge the FDA to adhere to the medical evidence in this case and make the right decision for my patients and reproductive health and equity nationwide.

To keep an eye on what’s happening, check out #FreeThePill and @ThePillOTC on social media. I look forward to telling my patients that they can pick up their birth control pills at their convenience—no office visit required.

Have you been noticing that your husband’s behavior is inconsistent with his past phone etiquette? Are you wondering if these changed behavior patterns are signs your husband is sexting someone else? Well, your worries are not unfounded. After all, technology is a double-edged sword. While it can facilitate communication and cooperation in healthy relationships, in unhealthy ones, it can become a tool to enable a straying partner.

The rise of online affairs or cheating in the virtual realm further complicates matters because it can be hard to define these transgressions using the traditional parameters of fidelity and infidelity. Studies say that most surveys on cheating are a gross underestimation because many people simply won’t admit to cheating while many others do not define infidelity outside the sexual context. In that case, do you too wonder if your husband sending inappropriate text messages to another woman counts as cheating? 

We consulted psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, to help us understand the scale of the problem here, how to recognize it, and how to resolve it. 

9 Signs Your Husband Is Sexting Another Woman

Did you know most surveys on infidelity report that roughly 50% of couples in monogamous committed relationships report either cheating on their partner or being cheated on by their partner, be it in the USA,  India, or the UK? This is only a conservative estimate. 

Conservative because we do not know if these respondents considered other kinds of nonphysical affairs such as emotional affairs or cyber affairs as cheating. To answer that, a survey specifically on the question “What would you consider cheating?” was conducted on BBC Radio. 71% of the 2,066 adult respondents said that sexting IS cheating. 

So, you are not alone when you wish you could see what your husband is doing on the internet or snoop on his phone. You feel suspicious and ill at ease seeing your husband acting in a shady manner, even if it’s just online. Nandita too agrees. “Only the format of cheating changes here, thanks to the internet. But it still is cheating,” she says, adding, “Cheating after all is getting into another romantic relationship – physical, emotional, long-distance or virtual, without the consent of your partner.”

Then, how do you ascertain whether your suspicions are legitimate or unfounded? These 9 signs your husband might be sexting another woman are definitely a good starting point. None of these can ascertain if your husband is indeed cheating on you. But they might help you with the confidence to ask your husband about his behavior and not let him dismiss your concerns.

1. Your husband is always on his phone/device

Do you know what is Phubbing? This is not only one of those most apparent signs your husband is sexting another woman but also a big-time relationship ruiner. If your husband is texting another woman every day for romantic or sexual reasons, you will see that reflected in the time he spends on his phone.

When you see your spouse spending too much time on their phone, you would either feel worried that your spouse has been taking a lot on their plate at work or wonder if there is something else that they are not sharing with you. But if this behavior change has led you to believe that he might be cheating on you, you have likely been seeing more signs your husband is guilty of Snapchat cheating than just this one. Let us look at some other red flags.

2. Your spouse is secretive with his phone/device

A cheating husband, who is having an online affair, will start behaving very secretively. It’s simple, he doesn’t want you to look at his phone. So, he will do everything to physically distance you from it. For instance,

• He will take his phone with him everywhere
• He will sleep with his phone under his pillow
• He will tilt the screen away from you when he is using it
• He uses text message codes to communicate
• In the case of a device such as a desktop, he might move it to a more private space in the house, such as the garage or the basement
• He might change the position of the desk in such a way that the back of the screen faces the door or the rest of the room
• Your husband locks you out of his online world

Another way of maintaining secrecy would be to keep you completely locked out from his virtual life. Partners, especially those who co-inhabit by marriage or otherwise, end up sharing passwords to phones, email accounts, social media accounts, payment apps, ride-sharing apps, etc. Access to each other’s phones is often a taken-for-granted reality.

However, if you suddenly find yourself without access to your partner’s phone, or device, and the virtual world that lives in it, chances are that there is something in there he doesn’t want you to see. If your husband sent pictures to another woman and received some in return, he wouldn’t like you to be able to access them, now would he? Along with changing old pins, did he put in place new ones? Say, on his photo gallery or a messaging app? That says a lot!

Related Reading: How To Get Over Insecurities After Being Cheated On – 9 Expert Tips

4. He creates a new social media account/email id/phone number

A user on a mothers’ chat forum asks, “My husband has a second Facebook account. Is he cheating?” She further says (edited for brevity), “I suspect my husband is cheating. A few days ago, he was using Facebook on my laptop and forgot to log out. I went through his Facebook messages and discovered he sent a friend request to a woman. I went through her friend list and discovered they were already connected. Not with his regular name, but with a shortened name. I am sure it is him. So, basically, he has set up a second FB account. I do not know what to think. I want to ask him, but I do not have solid proof. Very confused right now.” 

If this sounds familiar, please know that none of the 28 responses on this page says that she is “just overthinking it”, or that she should ignore it. They either advise her to catch her cheating partner red-handed or to ask him about it. What you should do in the situation, we discuss with our expert later in this article. For now, know that if your partner creates a second social media account with an alias or a new email account, without your knowledge, there probably is a reason why they do not want you to know about it.

5. He has started talking about the importance of privacy all of a sudden

Imagine you and your spouse have always believed in sharing the phone, passwords, and your virtual lives. When one of you can’t reach for your phone, you ask the other to pick it up and pass it to you. When they are not around, you also pick up the call on your spouse’s phone.

And then one fine day, your husband starts talking about “personal space”, “privacy”, “individuality” etc. He starts making it clear that he will avoid touching your phone because that’s your personal life. While personal space and privacy in a relationship are not red flags on their own (in fact, they’re the hallmarks of a robust connection), a sudden and unexplained insistence on privacy is definitely something to worry about. When combined with other signs your husband is emotionally cheating, it can paint a picture. You know what it means!

Related Reading: 9 Psychological Facts About Cheating – Busting The Myths

6. When he is on his phone, his body language is flirtatious

Another most obvious sign your husband is sexting someone else are the smiles, the open and relaxed body posture, the slumped back, a spunk in his step, etc – just a flirty vibe when he is on his phone or when he receives a notification that you can catch across the room.

You know how you can notice a teenager romancing on his phone? An adult would be the same. Trust your gut on this one. Your husband is neither talking to his boss nor having a conversation with his mother with that grin plastered on his face.

7. His phone etiquette has suddenly changed

If your husband is texting another woman every day, a lot will change in the way he handles his phone. From the frequency to the way he reacts when his phone has a notification, to where he attends his calls and texts, a cheating husband’s habits will change to accommodate the new person and the secrecy around them. For example, notice the following:

• Does he leave the room to attend a call or to respond to a text when he never did that before?
• If he regularly clears his chat history and call logs, it’s an indication your husband deletes texts from another woman (or calls, for that matter).
• Likewise, if the ‘Recently Deleted’ folder in his phone’s photo gallery is always empty, it could mean that he has been wiping his phone clean of photographic evidence that he is sexting – nudes and all
• Does he delay picking up the phone to check notifications when he was always quick to respond earlier? Or vice versa
  Is he attending to or responding to texts from an unknown number(s) much more frequently?

Related Reading: How Does A Guy Act After He Has Cheated?

8. Your husband gets defensive when you ask him about it

One of the clear signs of a cheating husband is that he will get defensive when confronted. He might offer excuses or try to rationalize his behavior but even he knows that he is lying and that you can see through him. So, his natural reaction to questions from you might involve aggression, passive-aggression, complete denial, or even gaslighting you in different ways. Pay attention to the following:

• If he turns the table by asking you questions about your conduct or some past issues or your other non-romantic relationships in the same conversation or soon after, he is trying to deflect the conversation
• If he chooses this time to talk about how you have led him to feel isolated, without admitting to his behavior, he is engaging in manipulative behavior. He is again hiding things from you by shifting the focus from him to you
• If he tries to shower you with presents, compliments, and attention, without addressing your concerns, he is love-bombing you with an ulterior motive

Note: Accusations of infidelity can be hard to take, especially if they are not at fault. Allow your partner the space to react to it in their way. But in a healthy loving relationship, your partner would ideally address your concerns in a clear way and to your satisfaction, even if they take some time to do it.

9. You can sense that you are growing distant

There are many reasons why we cheat on partners we’re committed to. While we discuss these points next in the article, know that all these signs and red flags you see around you ultimately depend on this classic warning sign of infidelity. Do you have a nagging sense that you and your spouse are growing apart while he is growing closer to someone else?

A man who is distracted somewhere else will naturally not put the same energy into his current relationship. This in itself doesn’t mean that he has completely withdrawn himself emotionally from his relationship with you. But if you are seeing more signs your husband is not in love with you anymore, your marital relationship might be in crisis.

5 Reasons Why Your Husband May Be Texting Another Woman

By now you must have a clearer idea whether your doubts are unfounded or something troubling has taken hold in your married life. We hope you also feel more confident about approaching your partner and talking to them about it. (Don’t do it just yet. We will tell you how to go about it.)

However, you don’t want to jump the gun with assumptions and add fuel to fire without understanding a few things first. Even if this is a serious case of cheating and lying that leads to a separation, you want to do this without it permanently ruffling up your life and your sense of self-confidence. We asked Nandita about the reasons why people cheat. It might give us insights into why your husband may be texting another woman.

1. Lack of love or an emotional bond in the first place

While this may not be true in your case, let us get this one out of the way. Nandita says, “Many couples in societies where arranged marriages are prevalent, or couples who choose to get married because both partners check certain boxes of an ideal match on each other’s lists, or who jump into marriage too soon without allowing for an emotional bond to develop, may frequently see cracks in their relationship develop. Especially in the form of infidelity by one or both spouses.”

Dr. Greg Baer, M.D., in his book, Real Love in Marriage, echoes this point. He says, “Infidelity occurs in every case due to a lack of “real love” in a marriage or relationship.” According to him, many couples mistake love vs attachment. They lack “real love” and replace it with “imitation love”. They expect their spouses to make them happy. And when life takes over, or the happiness is gone, “they naturally conclude that their partner is somehow failing to hold up his or her end of the agreement. They both feel abandoned and betrayed.”

Related Reading: 10 Things That Make A Good Relationship – As Per An Expert

2. Technology makes infidelity easier

“These days it has simply become easier to cheat with dating websites and social media, than in the pre-internet times. There is easy access now. Methods of cheating are varied and abundant,” says Nandita.  A fascinating study by The Open University further corroborates this. It finds out that “the internet makes infidelity more likely” by making “covert contact with another person easy” and “making it easier to engage in behavior that might be avoided in real life.”

Two anonymous user responses in the same study sum it up wonderfully.

• “I tried to stop but neither of us could, it would start again and since it was so easy, with all the technology we carry around it was an amazingly comforting and sexy thing to have. With long working hours, an online relationship is like fast food, ready when we are, naughty, cheap, very often eaten alone without the exhaustion of social niceties”
• “I have a deep mistrust in the internet and feel it massively facilitates infidelity. My ex-husband is inherently a very shy man, but he can act more confidently and attract the attention of other females online. I strongly believe he would not have had so many affairs without the internet”

3. Differences in sexual desires

“When a partner has a stronger desire or a slightly different kind of a desire from the other, they might feel compelled to look elsewhere,” says Nandita. Sexual incompatibility can be a major motivation for cheating, in general, and cyber cheating, in this case. With mismatched libidos or kinks or desires, people feel encouraged to look elsewhere.

Lack of sexual compatibility, like no other reason listed in this list, is an excuse for cheating. It is extremely common as no two people can have the same sexual needs and experience their entire lives. People with healthy marital lives work on these differences and find healthy ways to address these issues.

4. Differences in commitment levels

Talking about another significant reason why your husband could be sexting somebody else, Nandita says, “If the value system of both partners is different and one of them believes in and displays low commitment levels in the relationship, this may lead to that person exploring in various ways.” There is another aspect to this mismatch in one’s value system – one’s definition of infidelity.

The Open University study mentioned earlier points to this incompatibility in the value system of both partners. “What is experienced as infidelity online can vary from person to person. What might be seen as casual chatting by one partner, is hurtful and disloyal to the other, for instance.” Remember the 71% of respondents from the BBC Radio survey who considered sexting as cheating? What about the remaining 29%? Could your husband or your wife be one of them? 

5. To fill a void

Another important driving force behind cheating is the desire to fill a void. As life moves on, with new responsibilities and health changes, the mental state of each partner may change as well. To cope, one partner may resort to going into their shell while the other feels lonely. “Your partner may be feeling misunderstood, or not understood, or neglected by their other half. They may try to fill that void by seeking someone else to talk to, or to bond with,” says Nandita. Emotional neglect and loneliness are one of the top reasons why people cheat.

As a result of this neglect, a person can suffer from low self-esteem issues or feelings of self-doubt. “If partners don’t build an environment of communicating these things to each other, it can make one feel stifled, leading them astray,” says Nandita. Your partner too could be sexting another woman to either seek external validation or to fill an emotional void.

Again, this is no excuse for cheating. But this may help you understand where they are coming from, empathize if possible, and help you two make a fresh start if that is what both of you want.

What To Do When Your Husband Is Sexting Another woman

“Irrespective of this information coming to you out of the blue, or even if you had a prior inclination to your husband’s cheating ways, it still hits you in your gut. You get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and find that your world has fallen apart,” says Nandita when talking about how disorienting the experience of infidelity can be for the victim partner. “You might feel completely at loss as to what to do next,” she adds.

This is where we come in. Let us look at what you can do once you find out or have a strong suspicion that your partner has been cheating on you through online methods.

1. Talk to him

There is no other way around this major thorn in your side. At this point, you either have evidence that your partner has been sexting some other woman, a strong suspicion, or an inkling. In either case, communication is the healthiest medium for finding a solution.

“If initiating the conversation yourself doesn’t seem easy, ask a neutral third party to do the talking for you. But the point is, at some point, you will have to address the issue,” says Nandita. Here are a few things to keep in mind when confronting a cheating spouse:

• Stabilize yourself first and remain calm. Take as much time as you need to do so before confronting your partner
• Do not play mind games with your partner in the meantime. That’s unnecessary pressure on you and your relationship
• Once it’s time, be stern, look them in the eye, and ask them about it. Stay polite. You can use a business-like formal tone in the process
• Don’t point fingers or state accusations. Instead, lay down your findings. Tell them how it looks to you, instead of saying what they did
• For example, say, “I found you have a fake account. Why do you have it?” instead of “Why have you been cheating on me?”
• Be prepared for them to first negate your accusations. Give them a reasonable time to respond to you
• A reasonable time is what seems reasonable to you depending on your situation, your partner’s personality, the ease of communication you two share, etc. It could be overnight, a day of work where he has some space to gather himself, or a weekend. If he needs more time, he should ideally communicate that to you
• After this stage, you both can decide to take some time or even physical space that is mutually agreed upon before you can sit and talk about it

Note: Make sure to keep your kids, if you have them, out of this conversation at all costs. Try to send them away to a friend or relative when confronting your husband. Don’t rely on “speaking softly”. That usually doesn’t work when tempers flare.

Related Reading: 10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity

2. Don’t forget to talk about the reason

If you would like to give your relationship a fair chance, you should be solution-oriented. Nandita advises focusing on the reasons why he has been sexting other women. “He may give false reasons initially, but you two need to talk about what exactly is driving him to do it,” she says.

This does not mean that you are obliged to let it go, or that you are preemptively forgiving your SO. This only means that you are together looking for the cracks to see if you can mend them. Dr. Baer, too, suggests that if the victim can see the cause of infidelity and then respond healthily, the marriage can survive an affair and then be strengthened. Regardless, meaningful communication on the issue is only possible if:

• You can step out of your head and see it as a problem you need to solve
• You acquire an empathetic attitude of understanding at least for the time being
• You encourage your partner to speak and provide a safe space for them to air their feelings
• Your cheating partner is willing to make amends or put in the effort to repair the relationship

So, if your partner says that they don’t think sexting is a big deal, you know you both cannot come out of this experience without bringing each other on the same page regarding your ideas of infidelity. Or, if your partner expresses feeling undervalued in the relationship, or simply seeking excitement elsewhere, or that sexting was a sexual kink, you can see where that takes you two.

3. Assess his commitment levels

Take time to gauge his behavior post-confrontation. Observe him from a distance. Once again, you need to be tactful at this stage and get out of your mind space of hurt. Notice his commitment levels. Is he truly remorseful? Is he still committed to the relationship?

Remain objective in assessing the value of his response. Does he regret cheating and wants to make amends? Does his apology feel sincere? Is he saying nice things to soothe you and overlook his behavior, or does he mean them? If he initially expresses anger, does it mean that he does not care, or was that merely a defensive reaction?

This assessment will help you decide what you need to do next. Does your husband respect you? (You could take this quiz to find out.) Will you like to continue being in a married relationship with this person? Do you see hope for the two of you? Or is it better – tough, yes but better – that you two part ways?

Related Reading: 7 Fundamentals Of Commitment In A Marriage

4. Commit to healthy relationship strategies going forward

If you both come to the agreement that the relationship is here to stay and that you would work on the relationship, you both must commit to taking concrete steps.

• Commit to open communication channels going forward
• Take steps to rebuild lost trust
• Consult a marriage counselor who specializes in helping couples deal with the issue of cheating and extramarital affairs. If you are looking for a professional right away, you can find Bonobology’s panel of experts here

5. Focus on stabilizing yourself

Do everything we have told you, all the while prioritizing “self”. Finding your partner cheating can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. You must do everything possible to strengthen yourself to handle this difficult phase, be it to forgive your cheating partner or to move on from the relationship.

From confiding in a friend to spending time with yourself, from focusing on other relationships to ensuring you are getting enough vegetables, you need to focus on your holistic health in every way possible. You will need that to feel stable, sane, and ready to make the right decisions.

There IS hope. Couples who truly recover from infidelity often report having built a stronger bond in the process of rebuilding the lost trust. Nandita too says, “If both the partners are 100% willing to work on their current relationship mutually and honestly from an open space, there are chances it may work.” 

Online Affairs Reshaping The Idea of Fidelity In Modern Marriage

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