Category: Humor

The leader of North Korea recently surprised King Charles III with a text message, expressing a keen desire to visit England and tour Buckingham Palace.

The Korean leader expressed his admiration for King Charles’ mother, the queen, and couldn’t help but praise her extensive collection of hats. He even confessed that his favorite was the iconic Chef Boyardee hat, which he believed made her look remarkably svelte.

In addition to Buckingham Palace, Kim has expressed a strong desire to visit renowned hairdresser to the stars, Nicky Clarke, to get a new do. He also expressed an interest in paying a visit to Simon Cowell’s tailor, hoping to acquire a pair of slacks that would go right up to his chest.

Meanwhile, sources indicate that King Charles III’s response to Kim’s request was a cheeky, “Surely you’re pulling my leg, mate!”

Round 3 of the NHL playoffs starts tonight and hopefully your team is one of the four still battling for a chance to lift the Stanley Cup. My team? I’m a Leafs fan, so ya…

But before the puck drops for the Conference Finals, let’s recap how we got here (and WTF is going on in Arizona) with some hockey memes.

Teasmaid Jacqui Smith has returned unsold from her fifth car boot sale and will be trying again tomorrow. The relic of a bygone era, car boot sales were the old-school eBay, without all of the palavers of postage.

Jacqui, who has been sadly gathering dust along with an old Betamax Video and a Toby Jug in her owner’s garage, takes up the sad saga.

“Yes, it all seemed a bit of fun to begin with,” she sighed. “I was lifted up from my shelf, dusted down, and plugged in. It has been years since I have been treated like that, I mean being turned on. It was nice, but then the truth sank in. The first time I went out was with Barry the Blackboard, and he never returned. Then it was Sid the Sodastream, and some grotty little child bought him. It was such a tragic waste. It wasn’t just my owner, though. Everyone was there. Such a waste of items they used to find useful. I mean, in my heyday, I was the thing they looked forward to using, and now, what are we?”

Owner William Gavinscon said, “Well, if it doesn’t sell this time, it’s off to the skip with it, I’m afraid.”

“It?” asked Jacqui angrily. “What am I? The cat’s mother?”

I’ve said many unkind things about ASP.Net WebForms in the past. While it leaves a lot to be desired as a web development environment, its event driven approach does map to a lot of folks understanding of software. Click a button, execute code in response. Change a radio button, execute code in response. A simple, easy to understand architecture.

Well, sometimes simple and easy to understand.

A number of years ago, Kyle was tasked with updating his employer’s “benefits election” site for the new year, and found this:

Protected Sub rdoSmokeYes_CheckedChanged(sender As Object, e As System.EventArgs)
    Dim rdoEmployeeYes As RadioButton
    rdoEmployeeYes = CType(CType(sender, RadioButton).Parent, Panel).FindControl("rdoSmokeYes")
    [...snip...]
End Sub

This is an event handler. If the user altered the rdoSmokeYes radio button, this event handler will fire. The ASP.Net event handler takes two parameters: the sender (as an Object), aka the rdoSmokeYes radio button, and an EventArgs object, containing some details about the event itself.

I want to stress: sender contains the radio button which triggered this event.

Which is why the next two lines are so stupid. We create a variable to hold a RadioButton, and then we populate it. We populate it by converting the sender back into a radio button, finding its parent, converting its parent back into a Panel, then finding the control called rdoSmokeYes– the very control that triggered this event.

A simple rdoEmployeeYes = CType(sender, RadioButton) would do the same thing.

But this code contains another WTF. FindControl returns the type System.Web.UI.Control, not a RadioButton. Which means this is a narrowing conversion, which should be a compile time error. Except this is VB.Net, which means you can turn Option Strict Off, permitting such conversions.

And, as Kyle informs us, this is just an example snippet of a codebase that has huge piles of code very similar to this. But it’s even worse- because this convention isn’t followed consistently. Nothing about the code is consistent, actually, as the development was done over many years by many developers following no specific kind of standard.

I feel like a lot of the stories here about kids lying are pretty relatable, kids lie about stupid stuff all of the time.

What’s more staggering is how many stories of supposed adults are in here, and they lie just as badly as any child you’ve ever met:

Local accountant Arnold “Arnie” Pierson has set a new world record for the largest pectoral muscles. His off-the-rack polyester suit is no longer able to hide the bulging pecs which have astounded the global fitness community and slightly intimidate his coworkers.

Arnie, 42, who spends his weekdays buried in spreadsheets, tax returns, and financial statements, never set out to nurture a chest that measures an astounding 75 inches in circumference. This mild-mannered calculator king, who insists on wearing button-up shirts with a tie to the gym, has defied the conventional image of a record-breaking bodybuilder.

Pierson’s journey to pec-tacularity began rather unassumingly. It all started when he tried to open a stubborn jar of gluten-free, organic, fair-trade, vegan peanut butter for his morning toast. No Excel spreadsheet can overcome his fierce determination, he certainly wasn’t going to let a jar get the better of him.

“After that epic peanut butter battle, I decided to hit the gym.” Arnie said.

For the last five years, Arnie has been pumping iron with the same precision and dedication he applies to his tax return calculations. His training regimen, which he has dubbed “The Accountant’s Asset Appreciation,” involves a complex algorithm of sets, reps, and protein shake intake, all calculated on a colourful spreadsheet to maximize muscle growth and minimize tax liability.

His peculiar habits do sometimes bemuse onlookers at the gym.

“I’d see him there, lifting these enormous weights, muttering ‘One… one, zero… one, one… one, zero, zero…’ under his breath,” shared perplexed personal trainer, Hudson Atlas. “I finally realized he was counting in binary! Dude’s a total nerd, but you gotta respect those pecs!”

Despite his new-found fame, Arnie remains grounded. He still enjoys cross-stitching, tending to his bonsai tree collection, and hosting Dungeons & Dragons nights.

“My pecs might be big, but they’ll never be as big as the satisfaction I get from a perfectly balanced ledger,” Arnie said.

In a statement, the Guinness World Records confirmed that Arnie Pectacular has indeed set a new world record for the largest pectoral muscles. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesperson. “In fact, his pecs are so big, we thought we were looking at the data wrong and ran it through three calculators… all of which ran out of digits!”

Arnie is certainly proud of his achievement. Sporting a new spreadsheet bedsheet set, he’s even found a way to excel in his sleep. “My secret?” Arnie muses, “I surround myself with what I love – numbers and reps. I crunch numbers by day, and at night, I rest on them. I guess you could say I excel 24/7!”

Don’t judge an accountant by his tie, or his muscles by his day job. It’s not about the size of your pecs, but also the length of your ledger…No, let’s not go there.

As for that jar of gluten-free, organic, fair-trade, vegan peanut butter that started it all? Arnie chuckles, “Well, I never did get it open the traditional way. But one day, after a particularly intense chest day, I accidentally knocked it off the counter. It shattered on the floor, so technically, I did open it. Now, I just have to flex at the jars and they unscrew themselves.”

Shanty Beer has defended a “pro-women” advert amid a woke backlash, insisting there is nothing “controversial” about “saying women shouldn’t be forced to mud wrestle” to sell beer.

The beer brand released an advertisement celebrating Women’s History Month, in which the overweight comedian Macy Gobbler condemned Shanty and other beer brands’ past use of scantily-clad women to sell their products. She’s fully dressed in a pink dress.

Most women that were questioned argued that one person should not override the rights of women who have the freedom to dress as they like. “I think it’s discrimination if I can’t get a modeling job dressed in a bikini because one person thinks it’s not right,” says supermodel Lacey Grace.

One man questioned said he never liked bikini-dressed women selling beer. “I always changed the channel on my telly when a beer commercial with a lady in a bikini showed,” Johnny Homes continues, “I felt I was being tricked into buying their beer.”

Should it be a “different strokes for different folks” advertising campaign where different types of commercials have equal airtime? After all, not everyone wears the same size shoes, and one type of commercial won’t sell beer to everyone. “Reaching out to every type of viewer with different types of ads would sell the most beer,” says marketing graduate Gilbert Gottfried.

Soon, only women in hijab will be allowed in a beer commercial, so everyone could be woken up.

Shelly Abdul says, “I wish every woman would wear a hijab so no one type of woman can define beauty for non-traditional females. Women develop mental complexes because they feel they don’t fit into society or they’re not attractive to men.”

One elderly woman, Mary Magdalene, complains, “I don’t want my husband to view bikini-clad women on my telly because he might run off with a younger woman,” she continues, “I support Shanty Beer’s crappy ale, and I use it all the time to wash my toilet bowl clean.”

“Why Young Men Are Attracted To Cougars Like Us,” starring Liz Hurley and Chery Cole is a big hit in the world of infomercials.

Irresistible cougars, Liz Hurley and Cheryl Cole, spill the beans on why younger men can’t resist the charms of mature and experienced women!

According to LaLaLand Daily‘s writer, Willow Tulsa, Liz and Cheryl’s groundbreaking infomercial has ignited a frenzy among fellow famous cougars, including Jennifer “Loves-It-In-The” Aniston, Sandra “Can-Handle-A” Bullock, Courtney “Loves-At-Least-Four” Cox, Halle “Will-Kiss-Your” Berry, Demi “Please-Sir-Can-I-Have-Some” Moore, and Hazel “Get-It-In-Me-With-A” Crowbar.

The infomercial was directed and produced by noted Italian filmmaker Staccato Monteverdi, who recently directed the X-rated movie “Exquisitely Erotic Sex Among The Poconos” co-starring Khloe “I’ll-Show-You-Mine-If-You-Show-Me-Yours” Kardashian and Bradley “Cheaper-Than-An-Uber” Cooper.

The Spoof has been able to get an exclusive copy of the script for your pleasure!

[Opening Scene: Liz Hurley and Cheryl Cole sitting on a stylish set, dressed in glamorous outfits]

Liz Hurley: [with a playful smile] Hello there, ladies! Have you ever wondered why young men are so drawn to fabulous cougars like us?

Cheryl Cole: That’s right, Liz! We’re here to spill the secrets and let you in on the phenomenon that has all the young bucks flocking to the experienced ladies!

Liz Hurley: Picture this: A confident, sophisticated woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. That’s the allure of the cougar!

Cheryl Cole: Absolutely, Liz! These young men are enchanted by our wisdom, our wit, and, of course, our undeniable allure.

Liz Hurley: And let’s not forget about the bedroom, Cheryl! Cougars bring passion, experience, and a few tricks up their sleeves. It’s like a wild adventure!

Cheryl Cole: That’s right, Liz! These young men are in for a treat they’ll never forget. We’re here to empower them and show them the time of their lives!

[Cut to testimonials from satisfied young men]

Young Man 1: I used to think older women were boring, but after encountering a cougar, my world was turned upside down. It’s like they have a secret playbook of pleasure!

Young Man 2: The confidence and maturity of a cougar are incredibly attractive. They know exactly what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. It’s a refreshing change from party girls!

[Cut back to Liz and Cheryl]

Liz Hurley: So, if you’re a young man seeking adventure, passion, and a connection that goes beyond the ordinary, it’s time to embrace your inner cougar!

Cheryl Cole: Join us on this exhilarating journey as we unlock the secrets of cougarhood and celebrate the irresistible allure of older women.

Liz Hurley: But wait, there’s more! Call now and receive our exclusive guide, “Cougars Unleashed,” filled with tips, tricks, and stories from the wildest cougar encounters.

Cheryl Cole: That’s right, Liz! Don’t miss out on this chance to spice up your life and experience the thrill of the cougar revolution!

[Closing Scene: Liz and Cheryl raising their glasses in a toast]

Liz Hurley: Cheers to all the young men out there who are ready to embrace the magic of cougars like us!

Cheryl Cole: Remember, age is just a number, but the fun is endless! Call now and let the cougar adventure begin!

Ipso Facto News Agency reporter Sinclair Petaluma uncovers a feathered scandal as federal customs agents raid the Cat’s Meow Pet Shop in Cleveland, discovering 43 illegal exotic parrots secretly residing in a back storage room.

Surprisingly, these parrots weren’t just any ordinary birds. They possessed a unique talent that left the agents astonished. Instead of squawking or chirping, these feathered fugitives were masterful meowers, mimicking the distinct sound of cats in a range of accents.

The parrots were swiftly taken into federal custody and relocated to a US federal aviary reserve in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, where they are helping the federal authorities with their inquiries.

As for the owner of the pet shop, Zing Put Fing, his illegal parrot operation has come crashing down. He now faces the consequences of his actions, having been arrested and charged with seven counts of illegally importing exotic parrots from Brazil.

The purrfect crime has been exposed, leaving the parrots meowing their way into the hearts of federal authorities and leaving Zing Put Fing as sick as a parrot.

Krzysztof found themselves staring at a C++ function called intToString. And staring. And then realized that the function makes more sense if you don’t look at the name. Let’s take a peek:

String intToString(u8* p_param, int p_length) {
	int i;
	int j=0;
	for(i=0; i < p_length; i++)
	{
		j = p_param[i];

		if(j==97 || j==98 || j==99 || j==100 || j==101 || j==102 || j==103 || j==104 ||
			j==105 || j==106 || j==107 || j==108 || j==109 || j==110 || j==111 || j==112 ||
			j==113 || j==114 || j==115 || j==116 || j==117 || j==118 || j==119 || j==120 ||
			j==121 || j==122)
		{
		p_param[i] = j-32;
		}

		if(!isprint((char)p_param[i]))
		p_param[i] = 0;
	}

	string s((char*) p_param);
	return s;
}

So, intToString takes a buffer of bytes and a length for the buffer, and at a glance, you’d just assume that someone is reinventing atoi. We go into the loop, and check each character, and someone has opted to unroll a basic range comparison into a long series of or operations. Which is dumb, but… wait a second. ASCII character 97… we subtract 32…

This function isn’t an intToString function. It’s a “toUpper function. Also an existing function that didn’t need to be reinvented, also a case where we didn’t need to unroll the if comparison so hard.

It’s also worth noting that String is a typedef for std::string, which isn’t wrong but leaves us asking “why?”

Tickety Boo News reporter Grover Buck reveals that King Charles III has extended a warm invitation to President Biden for a visit to Buckingham Palace.

During the visit, the distinguished pair intends to discuss the ongoing Russian invasion of Ukraine and the more pressing matter of the rising cost of fish and chips.

As a gesture of friendship, President Biden will present King Charles with a grandiose pair of Texan cowboy boots, adorned with sparkling sequins and featuring the Stars and Stripes. King Charles has promised to proudly don the boots throughout President Biden’s visit, symbolizing the spirit of cross-cultural harmony.

King Charles III plans to treat President Biden to an exhilarating royal “trail” hunt (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), showcasing the traditions of the bloodthirsty aristocracy. Furthermore, the King plans to take Biden up the Arsenal to watch a match against Manchester United at the Emirates Stadium.

SIDENOTE: King Charles also revealed that he and President Biden will embark on an exclusive tour of the world-famous Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. Within its halls, they will encounter uncanny wax figures resembling themselves. Joe has been warned not to stand still for too long, as the museum staff may mistake him for one of their masterfully crafted creations in need of a touch-up!