Category: Humor

In a world where sports and romance collide, retired quarterback Tom Brady and Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss have set the tabloids ablaze with their unconventional courtship.

Witnesses were left slack-jawed and nacho-cheese-smeared as the dynamic duo took the West Hollywood scene by storm, sipping their drinks with a dash of audacity at The Tipsy Tadpole Lounge.

Brady, known for his eclectic dating history that includes Hooters girls, pole dancers, a fast-food manager, and even an adventurous gynecologist, has now found himself entangled in the whimsical web of Jeanie Buss.

In an exclusive interview with the one and only Hiawatha Pamplona from Sports Territory Magazine, Buss confessed that her romantic life had been as quiet as a library for the past two years, until Brady came thundering into her world like a basketball dunk gone wrong.

But what makes this romance truly peculiar is Buss’s revelation that potential suitors had only pursued her for her multi-millions. However, she believes that Brady, being a wealth magnet himself, has motives that transcend the material realm.

With their unlikely union, sports enthusiasts and gossipmongers alike can’t help but envision the adventures this power couple will embark upon. Will they conquer the sports world with their combined dominance, or will their romance unravel like a botched play? Only time will tell, in a world where love and sports collide, leaving us all craving nachos and a front-row seat to this unconventional ball game.

Prepare to be amazed as we journey into the prehistoric world of yaks and unearth an astonishing discovery made by a team of intrepid Icelandic scientists.

Led by the indomitable Dr. Hans Johansson (no relation to the renowned Scarlett Johansson), this audacious crew stumbled upon a breathtaking find that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community. Buried beneath a towering heap of discarded tires, they unearthed the fossilized remains of a female yak—an ancient relic that dates back an astonishing 4.7 million years, give or take a few thousand years.

As they meticulously examined the remains, the researchers made some fascinating observations about the life of this extraordinary creature. Despite the test of time, the yak’s skeletal structure revealed telltale signs of a prolific reproductive history. It is estimated that she had given birth to a remarkable brood of 6 to 9 adorable yak babies during her long and eventful existence.

But that’s not all. Among the preserved bones, a conspicuous compound fracture on the left side of her ribcage stood as a testament to the yak’s untamed spirit and perhaps a daring encounter with a long-extinct predator.

This ancient marvel will soon embark on an epic journey. Encased in a meticulously crafted package and miles of bubble wrap, it will traverse the globe under the watchful eye of FedEx, ensuring a safe passage to the prestigious Bones, Bones, and More Bones Archaic Museum in England under the watchful eye of Prof. Harrison Ford (no relation to the renowned actor).

Coincidentally, Harrison Ford is set to star in a new installment of the Indiana Jones francise in Indiana Jones and the Lost Yak of Shambhala, in cinemas this summer.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Breaking News: Ex-president says he’s is willing to pay off America’s national debt, simply for being named president for life.

SNN becomes first news entity to hire a correspondent to cover only Donald Trump. SNN’s new fulltime Donald Trump reporter is former judge and James Brown impersonator, Dr. Ima Little Nuttze. Dr. Nuttze’s last position was that of Chief Political Exuder for the Slobovia Times and lead singer for the defecation rock band, Terra Cotta and The Pipes.

In her first exclusive interview with Mr. Trump, Nuttze reports that the former President said that he is willing to write a personal check to pay off America’s 33 trillion dollar national debt if he can be named President for Life. He said that the country has until June 15th to make the decision.

In further Trump news, Mr. Trump says that if he has to pay the 5 million dollar judgement in the E. Jean Carroll matter, he will pay it in pennies. He said, “Think of it. A half billion pennies dumped on that bitch’s front lawn… that’s like 37 dump truck loads of pennies.”

SNN Words to Live By

“I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, I won’t be laid a hand on.” — J. B. Books (John Wayne), The Shootist, 1969 film.

“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably a dumbass.” — Greg Gutfeld, Fox News Channel.

“It’s hell being a child star.” — Actor Matthew “Stymie“ Beard.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

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A working-class Democrat has pulled even with the right-wing incumbent governor, indicating there’s progress being made in Mississippi!

There’s a common political refrain among Texas progressives: “Thank God for Mississippi.”

Our own state government, run by corporate lobbyists and right-wing nutballs, is a notorious hellhole for efforts to provide even a little more fairness for the poor, the working class and the environment. So, Lone Star progressives need some straw to grasp to keep from tumbling into the ditch of total despair. Mississippi has been that straw: No matter how mingy our state officials are, Texans can count on the Magnolia State to be one digit worse.

But — Have Mercy! — Texans are suddenly in danger of losing our reputational buffer, for Mississippi is close to making a momentous upgrade this election year. An unabashed working-class Democrat with a program of For-The-People reforms and an anti-plutocrat campaign for governor has already pulled even with the right-wing incumbent. Thus indicating there is actually some real progress being made in Mississippi!

Brandon Presley is the upstart’s name. A “little d” democratic populist elected at 23 years old to be mayor of his small hometown (where he still lives), he’s now in his fourth term as a highly effective, widely popular member of the state utility commission. There, he has successfully battled the electric power giants and telecom profiteers on behalf of everyday ratepayers, workers and the environment.

Presley (who actually is an Elvis cousin!) is not a pure liberal — he’s pro-gun and anti-choice. But this is Mississippi, and while it’s essential to strive for the pure light of liberalism, a multiracial majority of workaday Mississippians see Presley as a pure champion of basics they’ve long been denied — from health care to voting rights. So, they’re rallying for change — after all, even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled over and being kicked!

The people of Mississippi know they’re being kicked by the moneyed powers, and Brandon Presley is saying, “Let’s kick back.” To learn more, go to brandonpresley.com.

Checking the Price You Pay for Corporate Food

Oftentimes, when you suspect you’re being gouged by corporate price fixers — you are.

Take the rat-a-tat-tat of today’s price jumps at supermarkets and chain restaurants. They make you want to race to the cash register before they raise prices again!

“No, no,” cry the CEOs of food giants. “It’s not us, it’s ‘supply chain disruptions;’” then corporate politicians and economists chime in with old platitudes about the invisible hand of “supply and demand;” and media know-nothings also pile on, blathering about “ne’er-do-wells” causing a labor shortage.

But, hogwash — your suspicions are right: It’s plain ol’ price fixing by avaricious food monopolies. Top executives even brag about it when talking to their bankers and stockholders. McDonald’s for example, recently told investors that “strategic menu price increases” in the past three months had boosted profits by 63%. Big Mac’s CEO exulted: “I’m really proud of how our system has executed pricing.” Never mind that it’s their customers being executed.

“Well,” say free-market proselytizers, “just buy from a competitor.” But in nearly all segments of today’s food economy, a handful of giants control the market, with each one in on the fix. For example, Chipotle, a McDonald’s rival, also jacked up prices in the same three-month period, manufacturing an 84% profit increase. Its CEO then gloated to Wall Streeters: “I think we’ve demonstrated we do have pricing power.”

By the way, these same giants are also fattening their profits by ripping off their workers. The federal poverty level is now $25,000 a year, with fast-food workers typically getting only $3,000 a year more than that bare minimum for a 40-hour week. But there’s the “gotcha” — the profiteering executives hold each worker to about 26 hours a week, creating a sub-poverty labor force for this multibillion-dollar industry.

National radio commentator, writer, public speaker, and author of the book, “Swim Against The Current: Even A Dead Fish Can Go With The Flow,” Jim Hightower has spent three decades battling the Powers That Be on behalf of the Powers That Ought To Be – consumers, working families, environmentalists, small businesses, and just-plain-folks.

Twice elected Texas Agriculture Commissioner, Hightower is a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, spreading the message of progressive populism all across the American grassroots.

He broadcasts daily radio commentaries that are carried in more than 150 commercial and public stations and on the web.

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Today marks a significant moment in the political landscape as we bid farewell to none other than Michael Madeup. Madeup has stirred intrigue and captivated attention throughout his career and we hope this won’t be the last we hear from him.

This is his leaving speech, printed in full.

Hello,

Michael Madeup here. You may remember me from the last time I had a mini breakdown on Twitter.

No, you remember me for my stupid hair, that you proles think is a wig? It’s not a wig. Do you think I would pay money for something that looked this stupid?

Oh, you do, do you? Well, that is very charming.

I was also on First Dates you know?

And if that wasn’t enough, I am a Conservative councillor. I did think I might leave, but then I thought, no, I will stick around for a bit longer.

Do you know who I am? There is more to me than a stupid hairstyle. Not a lot more, obviously, but a bit more.

A distraught wife is concerned about her husband’s mysterious disappearances from their bed at night. She strongly suspects that he is sneaking around and engaging in secretive activities.

She reached out to Dr. Billingsgate for advice. If you have a question for Dr. Billingsgate, please get in touch!

Dear Dr. Billingsgate,

My husband, let’s call him “Bill,” says I’m dreaming. But I’m not sure. Lately, I have been waking up to a pile of pillows next to me. I know my husband too well to mistake him for some pillows. After all, pillows don’t talk. I’m blond, but I ain’t dumb. Eventually, he returns to bed—sometimes even the same night. Whenever I ask him about the hickeys on his neck, he claims he is undergoing leech treatment for his goiter. Although he’s old, has a pot belly, and near terminal halitosis, women still seem to be attracted to him. How can I keep him in bed at night?

Hillary

Dear Hillary,

I wouldn’t believe the cheating sumbitch if he had one hand in the cookie jar and his other hand on a Bible. With him, I would start out by Scotch-taping his hands to the bedsheets. If you wake up and notice he’s not in bed and the Scotch tape is just hanging there, that should be proof enough that he’s not there. If he still denies that he is gone, there is always Plan B. This requires a little stealth: I suggest you surreptitiously Crazy Glue his testicles to the bed frame while he is sleeping. If he attempts to hop out of bed during the night, you will be awakened before his heels hit the floor. Believe me, even though he will be of little use to you, that will be the last time he thinks about being unfaithful.

Dr. Slim: “If only Hillary had written you sooner, there might have never been Monica.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. If history didn’t repeat itself, there would be no need for Crazy Glue.”

Esteemed geologist Abner “Flasher” Cockburn has raised the alarm about the newly formed Robin Hood Volcano, nestled in the picturesque English Channel just off the coast of Portsmouth. Flasher has expressed grave concerns that the volcano could unleash its fury at any moment.

Dubbed a category 8 volcano, the Robin Hood possesses the potential for volcanic lava production on par with the explosive eruption of Mount Vesuvius on August 24, 79 AD. This catastrophic event resulted in the total annihilation of the ancient city of Pompeii, including its luxurious 5-star hotels.

Disturbing reports have emerged from the town of Portsmouth, indicating that several hundred individuals have already evacuated the area, seeking refuge in neighboring towns of Southwick, Hoe Gate, Hamble-le-Rice, and Crumpet City.

As the imminent threat looms, locals are anxiously bracing themselves for the unpredictable wrath of the Robin Hood Volcano, while scientists and authorities scramble to ensure the safety of all residents in the surrounding areas.

In a great monotheistic religion like Christianity, it’s important to have multiple gods.

Along with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost (should that be an Oxford comma or… is the whole thing meaningless anyway, so…?), the elders, patriarchs, and popes of Christianity have added another god.

Larry.

All Christians, especially Catholics, who do not swear by, kneel before, pray to, kiss the ring of, or salute-in-passing the Great God Larry… have SINNED!

(Without capitals, there can be no true sins and sinners, and thus, no religion. Discuss.)

Catholics especially love this new god. They already have about a million ways to send their beloved followers to Hell (I think masturbation is probably the easiest way to get into Cath Hell, so essentially EVERYONE is going there… See ya when I see ya, with sticky fingers), but now with an extra god, there will be a million more methods of damnation.

If you sneeze on the Great Larry’s Day… that’s a shot of Hell for ya, fella. Got an itch near one of your naughty bits – not allowed to say the crude word or the crude body part so as not to enrage Larry (Blessed Be His Name) – and you dared to scratch it, Larry’s gonna be pissed!

But who or what is Larry?

Gods are all about wanting stuff when no one will listen. Without human beings, there can be no god. You pray for rain or gold or golden showers, that’s why gods were invented. Larry will be taking prayers of only the small stuff.

An example prayer will be: “Oh Great Larry… can my boss just forget I exist today so I don’t have to hear his jokes, his critique of my moustache, or smell his ‘deodorant’ that smells like Ox asshole? In Larry’s name.”

Then you MUST cross yourself, smack your elbows and knees, then lick a finger and draw a circle on your forehead, then smack a cheek (right is preferred, but left shall be acceptable – on your face, not your ass – comedians all go to hell, so enough with the jokes while praying to Larry, funnyman), then smack both your cheeks while playing a song, possibly “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” Lots of actions must go with the prayer, or Larry won’t take it seriously, and it could be ignored. As with all gods, do NOT piss Larry off! He will smite your ass!

Or maybe, “Oh Heavenly Larry, can you please give Marsha a case of the crabs for saying that stuff about me to Fran at the office – who believes everything from everyone – and so what if I had lipstick on my teeth and a booger rimming a nostril – old Marsha had to just leap on my face all afternoon even after I went to the ladies’ room and cleaned myself up – she doesn’t know when to quit! – oh, but if it was her with an imperfection – then she would be a victim forever and ever, and we’d never hear the end of all her triggers!… ahem, sorry, Larry, I’ll stop now. So… crabs? Or lice, whatever fits. Use your discretion.”

Larry is the god you’ll pray to with your petty concerns. Will He listen and reply? Does any god? Oh sure, if you think that cloud is the answer or the price of your pork chops is the same as your birthday… sure, call that an answer.

Have as much faith or doubt as you have in other gods, and good luck with all your new sins.

Praise Larry.