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Adam
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Category: Humor
Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.
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Week In Review: May 28, 2023
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Houseguest Offended After Host Only Offers Rawhide To Dog
Athletes Respond To LeBron James’ Rumored Retirement
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Family Has Rule Where They Don’t Eat Cell Phones At Dinner
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CORVALLIS, OR—After insisting that her husband and children put away their devices while they were at the table, local mom Lana Pickens explained to reporters Monday that her family had a rule about never eating cell phones at dinner. “This is the one time of day when we’re all able to be together, so it’s important that we have conversations and really listen to each other, something that can be hard to do over the loud crunching of aluminum, glass, and plastic,” said the 49-year-old mother of two, who at one point during the meal scolded her son after discovering the teenager had placed his Samsung Galaxy in his lap so he could discreetly reach down, break off a piece, and place it in his mouth. “When I was a kid, people didn’t spend nearly as much time chewing on screens, and that’s a value I’d like to pass along to my own children. But once they’re excused from the table and have finished their homework, they can sink their teeth into as many SIM cards and liquid crystal displays as they like.” Pickens added that she was considering making a new rule to keep her children from spending every weekend flopped on the sofa and nibbling on the family’s 55-inch television.
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Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan
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NEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly after his son Miles’ birth nine years ago, Weir reportedly concentrated the entirety of his fatherly influence on making the boy a supporter of any sports team besides the Yankees, a project he initiated by acquiring several Mets onesies in his son’s infancy. Several reports indicated that as his son has grown older, Weir has provided little encouragement for the boy’s budding interests in Legos, hockey, and books, instead looking for any sign that his son might be entertaining thoughts of liking the Yankees. To date, the strongest show of emotion the father has displayed to his son reportedly followed an instance in which Miles said “This is boring” when Yankees slugger Aaron Judge was up to bat during a Yankees–Red Sox game. However, sources close to the family noted that Weir also expressed concern that his son won’t like baseball at all, which would undermine the careful work the father has put in to raise his son as a devoted Yankee hater. At press time, reports stated that Weir had shown his first interest in his son’s social circle, offering a tactful suggestion that a boy in Miles’ class who wore a Yankees hat to school was the kind of bad kid his son shouldn’t associate with.
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Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast
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Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?
“I’m tired of the media trying to silence this man.”
Zoey Burns, Freelance Plagiarist
“Twenty-five minutes of no talking was the best launch the DeSantis campaign could hope for.”
Drew Fanning, Unemployed
“It’s good to have the superficial appearance of a Trump alternative.”
Dom Edelstein, Webinar Planner
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Harlan Crow SPEAKS! – John Thomas, Humor Times
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Harlan Crow speaks.
Despite advice from a dozen attorneys, I’m DEMANDING the IRS do a complete forensic TAX AUDIT.
ALLEGED – kleptocratic worship and democracy destruction- I feeel violated!
The IRS will exonerate my TARNISHED REPUTATION, put to rest-(PHONY liberal) SLANDERS- I simply PURCHASED “a cheat” on the SUPREME COURT with MY billions of influence.
JURY…Isn’t it possible-I’m just an average white guy with a few quirks?
FULL TRANSPARENCY America- nothing to hide here folks! Except (of course)-my big WHITE HIDE.
As transparent as glacier streams thundering down from Hitlers Eagle nest retreat HIGH in those GLORIOUS alpine Mountains of NAZI era Germany.
I don’t want to whisper into a microphone-I WANT TO SCREAM-
Clarence may polish my oxfords- but Thomas is NOT MY NIGGA.
It’s not as if Clarence does the dishes while traveling abroad -CLINGING (like a barnacle) ON my luxury yacht lifestyle.
I MAY have…
membership within (He-man women haters) BOHEMIAN CLUB.Perhaps…
I DO collect Hitlers personal artifacts, AND have a weirdo sculpture garden of FASCISM at my massive garden estate…
but HEY… let’s not read anything into the fine print, OK?Let’s say YOU were born billionaire-LIKE ME.
Wouldn’t YOU shelter MY MASSIVE ASSets and obscure financial transactions behind SECRET banking laws?
Wouldn’t YOU PURCHASE CITIZENSHIP in- St. Kitts and Nevis… that (coincidentally) have such SECRET BANK LAWS? – thought so!
I’m paying less American Taxes than an illegal immigrant!
No taxes for TexASS!
SEE- You’re just like ME.
John likes to write about all kinds of things. So he does. You’re reading one now – enjoy!
Latest posts by John Thomas (see all)Signed: Glenn Jones
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Glenn Jones
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Suffering Dads Who Took Their Daughters To a Concert
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This post is a tribute to those poor wretched souls who are stuck in a concert of a band their daughters like. Scroll down to see the most horrifying examples and let this be a warning what can happen to you if you decide to have kids.
The post Suffering Dads Who Took Their Daughters To a Concert first appeared on Crazy Funny Pictures.
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liver
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Dating a Married Woman: It’s Never OK
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You have to admire the integrity of a man who does not date married women. It’s never OK to date a married woman. No exceptions.
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liver
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Not Really an Error’d Error’d
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Scraping the bottom of the barrel this week, we accepted
a couple of submissions that aren’t, by any means, Errors.
But they’re undoubtedly amusing to the likes of those
who haunt these pages, and as such, bon appetit.Diner
Dave A. wondered
“I wasn’t sure if you would really accept this as an Error’d,
because it only *looks* like an error, which is why it
caught my eye, but it isn’t! So, on with the snark:
You’d think there’d be Null chance that someone would
name a restaurant like this, right? But NO! (Or as YAML
would say, Norway!) This really exists — I haven’t been
there yet but at the very least its website isn’t Null.
Maybe two Nulls are like a double negative, making it positively exist?”
It doesn’t look very filling.Gaijin
François P. figures
“Validating phone numbers is hard. Fortunately, naming the
field ‘User contact information’ instead bypasses the problem
entirely. Now I can easily enter my 12-single-byte-letters
phone number with ease.”
Ancient
Steve W.
advises
“I’m not THAT old. But at least I made the front cover – how cool is that?”
Wrangler
Adam R. webster’d up a curiosity.
“I was looking for definitions of ‘wrassle’. Not only was
that not in the dictionary, the site felt
compelled to inform me that neither was ‘ntshingwayo’ ”
And finally, deep thinking
Tim R. gave Americans some thoughtfood
for the long weekend.
“It’s not really an error as such, but it’s surely a WTF.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a Microsoft account
you’ve probably seen this dialog a million times before
but have you ever stopped to think about what it means?
The default action is agree Yes to ‘Stay signed in?’,
but No to ‘Don’t show this again’, so should it keep
asking you every time you don’t sign in?”
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Lyle Seaman
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Chlamydia-Like Bacteria Found Growing In Great Barrier Reef
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Researchers examining the Great Barrier Reef have discovered the coral is infested with a bacteria closely related to chlamydia, which scientists say could help them understand the coral microbiome and its potential impact on coral reef health. What do you think?
“See? Everyone has it.”
Marc Hassett, Haggling Coach
“Great, now I gotta text all the other underwater ecosystems I also swam in.”
Liliana Kuipers, Request Denier
“That’s what happens when you let just anyone scuba through you.”
Frank Coakley, Assistant Linguist
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The Buttress Pillow: The Perfect Gift For a Lonely Man
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Are you looking for a gift for a sad, lonely man who would love to use a yoga-pants wearing butt pillow to snuggle up with at night, so it can become his 1/4 wife? If the answer is YES, you are in luck! Introducing the buttress pillow! The company that makes it claims that it feels like a real woman’s butt and sleeping on it will help to reduce anxiety. We, however, think that’s bullshit, and they made this just to have a laugh.
But wait, there’s more! If you feel so invigorated, the thighs separate so that you an actually dress your butt pillow into your favorite pajamas or undies. Don’t worry: it’s not creepy at all! But wait, there’s even more! When not being used as a face or body pillow, the butt shaped pillow can be used as a handy little phone or table stand! Amazing, isn’t it?
According to buttress pillow company website: “The yoga pants wearing butt pillow comes in a few different colors to choose from, is made using 100% natural latex made from the sap of trees, and includes permanent silky inner cover and yoga-pant outer cover.” That’s a polite way to say that this freaky thing is comfortable and kinda-a-little environmentally friendly.
If you feel like this bootiful pillow is something you’d spend your hard-earned money on, you can get it on Amazon. Please note that this site is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. As an Amazon Associate affiliate we earn from qualifying purchases.
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liver
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Why Is It So Hard To Stop Drinking
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You may wonder why is it so hard to stop drinking. The answer is quite simple: when you tell yourself this, you are most likely already drunk. And who listens to drunks who talk to themselves? Only fools. There you go.
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liver
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