The PGA Tour has announced new rules for fans yelling out really stupid stuff after a player’s tee shot.
“We’ll be cracking down hard,” stated Bunker Hozelslicer, the new Director of Fans Yelling Out Stupid Stuff.
Apparently, the new rules go way beyond immediate ejection of the violating fan from the tournament.
“Yep, we’re gonna teach these dumb asses just how annoying they truly are,” added Mr. Hozelslicer. “Everyone hates ’em. It’s time to crack down.”
So, starting this weekend, if you are caught yelling any of the following: Ba-ba-booie, Mash Potatoes, or Light the Candle, you will be promptly handcuffed to a brightly decorated golf cart and driven to the most remote area of the golf course property, where you will be forced to listen to 2 solid hours of other dumb asses yelling stupid stuff at you through bullhorns. “Or anyone that wants to join in, really,” added Hozelslicer.
“If that doesn’t do it, you’ll be driving the range cart with the protective cage taken off,” added Hozelslicer. “One way or the other, they will learn that they are indeed the most annoying fans in all of sports. And we do not appreciate their unimaginative shout-outs.”
Almost all players, our man-on-the-scene Chip Fairway polled regarding fan shout-outs, agreed, “Yep, they suck ass.”
Also in the works is a plan to limit the number of ‘Go Tiger’ shout-outs to 10 per fan. “Yep, long overdue as far as I’m concerned,” said Hozelslicer. “I wanted to cut it to 5. Those folks gotta learn, Tiger ain’t gonna play no better just ’cause you yelled ‘Go Tiger’ in his face.”
So it seems the civilized sport of golf is going a little bit WWF on its fans. No word on if the punishments will be part of the televised coverage. But many hope they will be.
America has built the world’s largest nut house, or loony bin, or funny farm, or “Medical Institute for the Mentally Impaired Whack-Jobs.”
And they have plans to build more! At least one per state, though some states may need more than a few. The institute spreads over three counties, plus goes down to a depth of 10,000 meters. What’s down that far, in the sub-sub-basement? Only a chosen few know for sure.
Why are the Americans doing this?
This reporter talked off-record with “Deep Brain,” an insider at the Institute, who said this:
“Covid is not over. It’s just the beginning. They’ve now put their nano-bots into our bodies and brains, and if we don’t die from heart attacks or strokes, we’ll go crazy. In fact, everything you do or say will be labeled crazy. Why do you think the Brits aren’t allowed to protest anymore? Say a single thing against the status quo, and you’re mad for life.”
“I see,” I said. “But why not just prisons? America has tons of super max prisons, which they’re quite proud of. Don’t a lot of prisons mean your nation is good and compassionate to the mentally ill, and you have succeeded in being civilized–”
“No, dude, no! The prisons remain — for traditional prisoners. The nut houses are for the rest of us. Some housewife says she doesn’t like the First Lady’s dress — and guess what? Her toaster and laptop and smartwatch and gold filings and her TV and radio and security camera doorbell and her frickin’ car are all listening to her every word! The government is inside your house right now. And where do you put Mr. and Mrs. Happy Homemaker when they start questioning the quo? Happy prisons!”
Sounded like a nice place to be, but I was assured by Deep Brain that I was thinking how “they” wanted me to think, though he didn’t say openly who “they” were.
“If I say they, then they are listening and know it’s them—and then it’s Happy Hell for me too!”
He ran away, down a long concrete corridor where the fluorescent bulbs were always flickering. I returned to the press pool, where I was given a strange liquid to drink, plus a free laptop, doorbell, toaster, two gold filings, and a pair of cufflinks that hummed.
Lukashenko, the Head Tough Guy from Belarus, may or may not be invisible.
Some have not seen him. Some have seen his double. Some have seen footage of him saying things that may be from today or 20 years ago but with the audio spliced.
Rumors abound. (And if journalism isn’t about rumor, then Julian Assange is finally free!)
Some have speculated about the real reason behind Putin delivering nuclear warheads to Belarus, a non-nuclear nation. Does it have something to do with America anchoring nuclear submarines offshore in South Korea or Japan, in case China has a free-for-all with Taiwan? Maybe…
Or maybe Lukashenko isn’t the leader of Belarus anymore? Or maybe he’s on his way out. Or maybe he’s not around much anymore, maybe swimming with Luka Brasi? Just rumors, nothing more…
But, again, some think (the fog of misinformation is thick and the truth is confusing) that Putin wants to leave some nukes in his favorite non-Russian nation just in case the next dictator of Belarus isn’t a YUGE fan of Putin.
Putin becoming unpopular? Doesn’t his worldwide arrest warrant make him popular? Everybody wants a selfie with him in case The Hague catches him outside a protected fascist border, don’t they?
Putin has put in the nukes, and they can’t be easily taken out. You ever tried to lift one of those things? Now that’s how to expand your borders. America did it when JFK placed nukes in Turkey, forcing the Soviets to do a tit-for-tat and stick theirs in Cuba. This was called the Russian’s fault, but from a Western, or American, perspective. Therefore, not the truth. Just rumors…
History repeats… and everybody’s surprised. Except for Luka… wherever he is.
What you don’t know about your toilet paper may take control of your life!
TP specialist and scientist, Goober De Jimmy, has stated, “We put so many microfibers in your toilet paper, your ass is already infected!”
Infected? With what, Goober?
“Nano particles are currently swimming up anuses all over the world and transforming into nano worms that are turning people into half-reptilian, half-simian hybrids. It’s all hybrids, man! I don’t have enough weed to smoke to wrap my brain around all the shit we put into your ass after you shit!”
While Jefferson Airplane played in the background and I stared at blacklight posters of unicorns and marijuana flowers… Goober and I enjoyed some of his homegrown kush… I felt the need to use the facilities!
The paper was quilted with little flowers. And it was purple.
“It’s in the dyes, man! The dye process is how we camouflage the nanos, man! Robots in the ass! What’re you gonna do, not wipe? Everybody wipes! You ain’t got no choice. The ass is the gateway to the brain! Hendrix knew – that’s why Nixon had him killed, man!”
Quickly, I flew to France, inventors of the bidet. For now, I am safe… but for how long?
A miracle was seen in the sky over Kampala, Uganda… a rainbow!
Immediately, government forces took aim with their outdated rifles and shot volleys into the seven colors hanging beneath a cloud—for no good reason!
President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, who has been in power since 1986 (no term limits for him, so you know he’s good!) called for an all-out nationwide arrest of anybody who dared to even look at the rainbow, much less salute it, blow a kiss at it, or do something even “totally gayer than those things,” according to the President’s spokesperson, Liberace Von Flamer.
Scientists tried to explain to the poorly educated Prez about light and prisms and Isaac Newton, but they got nowhere and were soon shot.
A prism was thrown at the president, who caught it, became momentarily hypnotized by it, then shot the thrower.
The rainbow didn’t last long and vanished magically. The Prez blamed wizards and vampires.
Strangely, the spokesperson, Liberace, had this to say: “Don’t say I said this, but all night long the Prez plays hardcore gay porn on his 2000-inch television, which takes up an entire wall in his palace. And he cranks up the sound. Tons of guys in orgies doing everything in every language and position—and I mean… well, I’ve said too much. But the guys come in all colors too! Just like a rainbow! Please don’t let the homophobic bastard kill me. I just love to love, and I love rainbows almost more than life itself. I have to leave now. Is your country taking in migrants… oh shit, never mind. Guess I’ll just have to die.”
As this reporter left Uganda by a high-speed jet pack, I looked back to see Liberace weeping—but for sorrow or joy, I couldn’t tell.
I flew through a double rainbow (clearly an orgy about to happen) and was free of Ugandan airspace.
With heartfelt thanks to Liberace, I remain alive to tell this tale.
When Mel Brooks interviews Britain’s new King, it’s got to be good. Listen in!
Mel Brooks: I have to ask you, Chuck, is it good to be the king?
Photo: Department for Culture, Media and Sport, PDM-owner.
King Charles: (Chuckles) Yes Mel, it’s jolly good to be the king.
Mel: What was it like when they crowned you?
Charles: Well, St. Edwards Crown has 444 precious stones mined by enslaved Indian children during the time of British rule, so it’s quite heavy. Roughly 5 pounds.
Mel. (Whistles) That is heavy.
Charles: My head only weighs 3.
Mel: 3 pounds?
Charles: 3.2 pounds to be exact.
Mel: How do you know what your head weighs?
Charles: Well, as monarch, everything is weighed by the royal physician.
Mel: Everything?
Charles: Yes,
Mel: Ha-ha, I’m sure that’s an exaggeration, Your Majesty.
Charles: No Mel, its true. Even the royal weenie has to be measured.
Mel: No kidding?
Charles: And tonight Camilla will crown that royal head.
Camilla: Oh Charles… (chuckles)
Mel: Speaking of Camilla. You two had some torrid romance for many years.
Charles: Yes, I’ve always fancied Camilla. I like a woman with some girth and a spot of chin hair.
Mel: Ah, that makes sense then. Well, she waited for you for a long time.
Charles: Yes, and believe me I will thank her properly with the royal rod tonight.
Mel: You teared up a bit when your son, now Prince of Wales, kissed you.
Charles: Actually, I teared up because the crown was bloody heavy. I’m not proud of it, mummy would not have approved. But I fought it off and kept a stiff upper lip which is actually quite difficult.
Mel: Yes, I imagine the emotions are difficult to control in public.
Charles: No Mel. It’s because I don’t have an upper lip.
Lesley Green Leben is a humorist and writer. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing and Literature from Stony Brook University. Her articles have been published by Dan’s Paper and numerous online websites such as More, Grand Piano Passion and Medium. She enjoys playing the flute, writing and all forms of procrastination.
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today, I’m pleased to announce that magician David Copperfield turned the 2024 Republican candidates for president into The Little Rascals. Only these Rascals aren’t endearing.
The Little Rascals. Photo: imdb.com.
JERRY
Good morning, Alfalfa.
ASA ‘ALFALFA’ HUTCHINSON
My fifth grade teacher Miss Crabtree is a ten. She’s hot.
JERRY
Keep in mind that if she gets knocked up, there are no abortions allowed in Arkansas because of the law you signed.
ALFALFA
School isn’t for everyone, Duncan. If a woman or child of any age gets pregnant in Arkansas, she can stay home. I’m proud to say that we’re ranked 49th in education. We beat Louisiana two years in a row.
TIM ‘BUCKWHEAT’ SCOTT
(Using Buckwheat dialect in The Little Rascals films) O-tay. I have a better blan den any of da candidates. I’m da guy President Joe Biden fear. Got my first job bumpin gas ben I was thirteen. I am da American dream.
DONALD ‘BUTCH’ TRUMP
You’re weak, Buckwheat. Very weak, very weak.
NIKKI ‘DARLA’ HALEY
As a nation, we’re ready to move past divisions and distraction.
BUTCH
Are you referring to me, Curry in a hurry?
CHRIS ‘CHUBBY’ CHRISTY
You’re picking on Darla because she’s a woman. You repeat everything twice.
BUTCH
Wrong, wrong.
RON ‘SPANKY’ DESANTIS
Chubby. Butch may be more popular than any of us now, but my favorable ratings are rising every day. Floridians appreciate me fighting with Mickey Mouse.
ALFALFA
Shame on you! Mickey took it hard and tried to hang himself. He didn’t die though. It was a case of suspended animation.
CHUBBY
Is there any decency left in the Republican Party? I’m the only one that has the balls to say Butch tried to stop the presidential certification on January 6, 2021.
BUTCH
Have you been grazing for three years? The election was rigged.
JERRY
You’ve been indicted once with two more indictments all but a certainty. You’re headed for prison.
ALFALFA
I don’t care if I get the nomination. I’m in love with Miss Crabtree. Too bad she’s dating her first cousin.
DARLA
I’m prettier than her. Did you know I’ve been doing beauty pageants since I was sixteen?
ALFALFA
But you’re nine.
DARLA
Omg! I invited Clint Eastwood to prom.
JERRY
Hey, Spanky. Are you still the president of the Hee Man Woman Haters Club?
The Special Counsel has a 448 page indictment that you violated the rules.
SPANKY
They can’t prove anything. I’m an equal opportunity hater. I’m so mean that I ban books and discriminate against minorities.
CHUBBY
The Special Council Report found no collusion or obstruction against Spanky.
JERRY
How do you know?
CHUBBY
I swallowed the evidence after I found out the local donut shop closed early. I was hungry.
JERRY
Is that true Buckwheat?
BUCKWHEAT
Yep. I saw dat.
JERRY
Then you men need to subpoena Spanky, so he’ll testify under oath.
CHUBBY
I refuse. Darla and I are going to the beach and we can’t be bothered.
DARLA
I always wondered. Can fat people go skinny dipping?
CHUBBY
Shut up. You’re so skinny, you can dodge raindrops.
BUCKWEAT
Eberybody chill, o-tay? I make sure Panky on trial.
Suddenly the magic wears off and everyone becomes an adult. Butch is Donald Trump, Darla is Nikki Haley, Buckwheat is Tim Scott, Spanky is Ron DeSantis, Chubby is Chris Christy, and Alfalfa is Asa Hutchinson.
JERRY
Here’s a scoop. I found out there are rap-loving Republicans. Their favorite group is Hip-hopcricy. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner
Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.
After playing with Monopoly money all his life, Trump must now put his own money where his mouth is, including every mention of ‘E Jean Carroll’…
That’s right, every time Donald Trumpeven thinks of E Jean Carroll, he’ll be that much poorer!
“The one way to stop him is to make him pay for lying,” said E. Jean.
His character flaw of narcissism reveals a man who cannot accept defeat – as a Presidential Candidate or as a Neanderthaltowards women that goes back – ‘a Million years’ to be exact!
Not happy that he lost the $5 Million to E. Jean in her May 9th Rape & Defamation Civil case, Trump continues to assault her with more words.
Quick to respond, Ms. Carroll now brought a new case against him forjust that & his financial losses are running wild like a train without an engineer!
On the day after the $5 Million dollar verdict, Trump called E Jean Carroll:
TRUMP: “A Wack Job”!
There you go – $10 Million. Cha – Ching!
To add to his misogyny, he can blame me for what comes from my wicked imagination! Listen in as Trump finally runs out of names and money!
TRUMP: ‘Bad Lay’!
$15 Million. Cha – Ching!
TRUMP: ‘Bag-a-Bones’!
$20 Million. Cha – Ching!
TRUMP: ‘She’s a 2″!
$25 Million. Cha – Ching!
TRUMP: ‘Gay’!
$30 Million. Cha – Ching!
TRUMP: ‘Democrat’!
$40 Million. Cha – Ching!
Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha
“I’m not there yet,” said Sam Crawford of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding his lifelong dream of finding happiness. “But I think a few strategic tweaks could get me there. Shooting distance, for sure.”
One life tweak Crawford is considering, in the interest of finding happiness, involves thanking the universe for all the things that bug the crap out of him. “Recognizing the universe as your teacher is no less than transformative,” he noted. “Or so I’ve heard.”
Another tweak that Crawford speculates may bring him significantly closer to happiness is shifting his mindset about his remote day job, which, as he describes it, essentially consists of clicking buttons on a computer all day long. “They say cognitive-behavioral therapy can help you see unpleasant situations in a new light, so I might give that a try,” he said. “That, or maybe Buddhism.”
Crawford emphasized that whatever changes he ultimately decides to implement in his mindset and/or attitude toward finding happiness will be incorporated gradually over time. “That way, I can really savor the process. As they say, the joy is in the journey. I’m thinking that probably applies to finding happiness too.”
These are some text messages that The Tittle Tattle Tonight News recently received.
Dear Tittle Tattle Tonight – I will make you a $50 bet that my orange ass will be back in the White House when I win the 2024 presidential election. -Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump Mar-a-Lago, Florida
Dear Trumptard – Make it $1 million and we have a bet. Tittle Tattle Tonight
Dear Tittle Tattle Tonight – Please stop saying that I want to get back into my sperm donor father’s will. I DON’T! -Ivanka Trump The Hamptons, New York.
Dear TTT – You recently stated that I said that my girlfriend, Melania Trump told me that she loved me to the moon and back. Well what she actually said is that she loves me to Uranus and back. -LeBron James Los Angeles
Dear LeBron – Duly noted bro. And thanks for the autographed basketball. Tittle Tattle Tonight
Dear Tittle Tattle Tonight – I just want to verify for the record that the Trumpturd did in fact use the “N” word at least 13 times in my presence. -Yo Yo Afro Woke (African-American Rapper) Detroit, Michigan
Dear Woke – And still the low-life, scum-sucking asshole has the unmitigated gall to say that he is NOT a racist. Plllllllease. Tittle Tattle Tonight
Hey 3T – When I told your head reporter Pico de Gallo that Donald Trump Sr., caressed my sweet, sexy ass, it was off-the-record. It was not meant for you to publish it. I demand that you make a retraction. -Kimberly Guilfoyle Manhattan, New York
Dear Miss Guilfoyle – Nopers! We have the video of Trump ACTUALLY caressing your sweet, sexy, ass. You wanna see it?
NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—In a sternly worded condemnation that took the 14-year-old to task for violating the rules to obtain an unfair advantage, the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Dev Shah was disqualified Friday when it was confirmed he had received in advance all 26 letters needed to spell the words. “Unfortunately, after discovering that every single letter used in the competition was leaked to the winner ahead of time, we were forced to strip this year’s winner of his title,” said Corrie Loeffler, executive director of the bee, who in private reportedly expressed concern that the cheating scandal that erupted on her watch would both undermine the integrity of the organization and destroy her career. “We take great pains to keep the letters we will use under lock and key, as it is simply not fair for a contestant to walk onto our stage already knowing that letters such as E, T, and N are likely to be used over the course of the spelling bee. Rest assured, we will be conducting a thorough investigation to determine how this elaborate fraud was perpetrated, especially now that we know Mr. Shah appears to have gone so far as to have learned a little song he used as a mnemonic device to help him remember the 26 letters.” Reached for comment, Shah told reporters he had agreed to return his $50,000 cash prize and said he wished to apologize for his behavior, which he called “probouleutic, chthonic, and completely aegragus.”
SINGAPORE—Insisting that he didn’t know how they had made such a simple mistake, an embarrassed U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin reportedly excused himself from the Shangri-La Dialogue Asian defense summit Friday after realizing America was not in Asia. “Oh God, sorry about that, we’re not even in the right ballpark here,” said the Defense Secretary, who reportedly grew visibly flushed after learning from an aide that the closest part of the Asian continent was nearly 5,000 miles away from the United States, before slowly slinking out of the gathering of allied nations. “Maybe we saw the letter ‘A’ and just assumed it was about us? Sorry, I don’t know why we’re here. Everyone just get on with whatever you were doing. We’ll see ourselves out.” At press time, Austin had reportedly paused at the catering table and grabbed a handful of hors d’oeuvres to at least make the 19 hour and 45 minute plane trip worth something.
A new report revealed that the Denver Nuggets mascot, Rocky the Mountain Lion, is the NBA’s highest-paid mascot, taking home $625,000 a year, almost 10 times that of the average $60,000 salary for a league mascot. What do you think?
“I don’t need more evidence that my life has been a waste, okay?”
Barry Grant, Unemployed
This Week’s Most Viral News: June 2, 2023
“Lucky. My boss has yet to see the value of my emphatic gesturing.”
Carmela Loerzel, Volume Adjuster
“I also wouldn’t be surprised if he got into Nuggets games for free.”
