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Category: Humor
Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.
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Trump Flies Solo without Walt Nauta – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times
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Post-arraignment, Trump looks for Walt Nauta, his valet accomplice, but finds another lackey without a clearance!
Back at Mar-a-Lago, Trump looks for an alternate clueless co-conspirator, as butler Walt Nauta is no longer available…
TRUMP
Who are you?
WINDOW WASHER
Jose.
TRUMP
Why are you bringing me my Coke?
JOSE
I hear Walt can’t talk to you before the trial. The Order was given during your Arraignment.
TRUMP (wistful)
He puts 2 ice cubes in, chills my glass & picks out a doily.
JOSE
Well, I just poured it from a six pack in the hall!
TRUMP (longingly)
We were going to go bowling.
JOSE
You can still go – you just can’t hi-five when you get a Strike.
TRUMP
And, he pats me on the butt!
JOSE
This is beyond my job description!
TRUMP
Where is Walt?
JOSE
He’s in your closet.
TRUMP
Whew – I’m relieved.
JOSE
He’s picking out Red Ties without stains!
TRUMP
Odd little fellow – but loyal as hell!
JOSE
My guess is today’s his last day.
TRUMP
Might as well – there’s no more boxes to be moved!
JOSE
Well, I’ve got 2 more windows to do & I’m outta here!
TRUMP
Couldn’t you wait to take out my pickle?
JOSE
This is getting creepier by the minute.
TRUMP
Walt takes out my McDonald’s pickle.
JOSE
When’s it coming?
TRUMP
Walt figures out when I’m hungry.
JOSE
You mean you haven’t ordered yet?
TRUMP
Rub my belly – works like a charm!
Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha
Latest posts by Marilyn Sands (see all)[ad_2]
Marilyn Sands
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An Apt Metaphor For The Wedding
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“My sister’s wedding reception came to an abrupt halt when our Dad collapsed and was taken away in an ambulance. Thankfully our Dad survived but we insisted she eat something before going to the hospital and when she opened up the food, a bag full of meatballs and gravy tumbled onto her dress which was a pretty apt metaphor for the day!”
(submitted by IG @cameronlauterer)
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Team Awkward
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Our Family Photo Was Also A Promotional Photo
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“That’s me in the middle. This was a promotional photo for my parents’ touring ventriloquism act in the late 90s. The vests were made just for the occasion.”
(submitted by IG @emilypagemay)
The post Party of Five appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.
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Team Awkward
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Who ALL seent the leprachaun say YEAH! – People Of Walmart
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The post Who ALL seent the leprachaun say YEAH! appeared first on People Of Walmart.
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alexandtim
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Who ALL seent the leprachaun say YEAH! – People Of Walmart
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The post Who ALL seent the leprachaun say YEAH! appeared first on People Of Walmart.
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Luke Wherry
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‘Speedcuber’ Solves Rubik’s Cube In 3 Seconds, Sets New World Record
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A 21-year-old from California set a new world record by solving a 3-by-3-by-3-inch Rubik’s Cube in just 3.13 seconds. What do you think?
“But how fast can he eat one?”
Kim Hartsough, Office Chaperone
“He probably has rich parents who could afford Rubik’s cube lessons.”
Walter Binns, Unemployed
“We need more drugs on the street to prevent teenagers from getting into this shit.”
Miles Woodbury, Mole Inspector
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Police Release Novelty Wild West Photo With Mass Shooter
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SANDUSKY, OH—Following a mass shooting at an area mall that left 12 dead and another seven wounded, law enforcement officials released to the public Friday a novelty Wild West photo of the suspect they had taken into custody. “Thanks to the actions of our quick-thinking officers, we were able to arrest the shooter, fingerprint him, and swing by [local amusement park] Cedar Point to pose for one of those fun old-timey portraits with him,” said Sandusky Police Chief Greg Hartwell, who, alongside the suspected murderer, appears in the resulting sepia-toned photograph wearing a white hat, a Western-style vest, and a duster, along with accessories such as a kerchief, a watch chain, and an imitation Colt revolver. “In the process of booking the perpetrator, we informed him of his right to choose from a fancy fringed cowboy outfit, a series of fake mustaches, and an oversized jug marked ‘XXX,’ but he waived these options in favor of a plain denim shirt. The gunman did ask to hold his own AR-15-style rifle during the photo shoot, but we of course could not allow this, as it would not have been period correct.” Hartwell went on to ask if any of the reporters present would be willing to wear his badge and gun while he held two large sacks marked with dollar signs and reenacted a bank robbery for the camera.
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The Amazing Donald Trump Adventures, Created by AI
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Why so focused on Trump?
You should be focusing on all of Biden’s great accomplishments!
…Oh…Never mind…. Maybe you better continue with the Trump distractions while Biden flushes the country down the crapper right under your clueless liberal noses! That way other clueless liberals may not notice what they’ve created!
You should all take a vacation to liberal utopias like Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, NYC, Philly, etc. (All Demo liberal strongholds.) Don’t forget to send a few postcards![ad_2]
liver
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AI-Generated Images of Impossible Animal Hybrids
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It’s not like there aren’t enough animal species on Earth already… but Reddit user Macilento thinks there should be more. He’s a member of r/Midjourney subreddit that brings together people who are using AI to create various amazing images. In this case: by mixing two already existing animal species together to create unique animal hybrids. The results are surprising and pretty funny.
The post AI-Generated Images of Impossible Animal Hybrids first appeared on Crazy Funny Pictures.
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liver
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My Stars
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BOINC, the Berkeley Open Infrastructure for Network Computing, is a
project to support public distributed computation, in service of efforts like
[email protected]. Our reader Hans K. has a few grievances to share.First, Hans complained
“I’m trying to add a BOINC project. Yes, I understand the
conditions, just not which radiobutton I should choose.
Although, with this one the next button is disabled,
so I guess it’s the other.”Having hurdled that obstacle, Hans ran into another roadblock
“OK, I successfully added a BOINC project, but now how to
finish this as instructed? The finish button is disabled!”
We hope Hans handled it, it would be a shame to miss ET’s message
on account of a dodgy package.”
Here on Earth,
Unai U. has recorded a temporal improbability.
“Today I managed to stand up for 25 hours. I
think it is a new Guinness record, at least in Earth.”
This should only be possible in November.
Cole T. loves his new Product Name
five stars worth, and just wanted to shared the screenshot of his review.
Finally, amateur historian
Ian H.
doing a bit of online research, found he’s been out of
touch for some very significant geopolitical events. Alarmed, he
squawked
“On a whim, I asked Google for a few
names of old countries. I think I missed some
important news!” Yes, about that…
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Lyle Seaman
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I Should Have Said “No” To The Dress
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“My grandmother, bless her heart, made this dress for me by hand. However, she never noticed the fabric she was sewing was covered with pictures of a couple making out. She then rolled my hair and sent me to school…on PICTURE day… I still love you MawMaw.”
(submitted by Kimberly)
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Team Awkward
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