Category: Humor

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Hollywood sign, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Hollywood Sign turned 100

… Looks good, but, personally, I think it had some work done.

Georgia election case: Trump, co-defendants surrender to authorities

Damn, the last time that many white people surrendered in Atlanta, it was to General William Tecumseh Sherman.

How Penn Gillette lost 105 pounds

He ditched Teller?

Biden’s Commerce Secretary is the latest Cabinet member to visit China in a bid for improved ties

And, while they’re at it, I have a few ‘Made in China’ shirts and the components in my Fitbit that could use some improvement. Just saying.

50 Cent questions Nick Cannon having 12 kids.

He’ll now be known as 48 Cent after putting in his 2-cent worth.

Aaron Rodgers and State Farm reportedly part ways after 12 years

For an insurance company to not renew him, you’d have thought he was playing for a team in Florida.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year

Until now, I had no inkling…

Long time ‘Price is Right’ host Bob Barker dies at 99

Appropriately, he made it nearly to 100… without going over. God Speed.

Ted Cruz duped by fake image of shark on flooded LA highway

In fairness, the background music threw him: Duunnn dunnn… duuuunnnn duun… duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn…

Japan’s Fukushima nuclear plant will release radioactive wastewater

On the upside, any fish caught in the area are sure to bring local sushi bars glowing reviews.

Hunter Biden’s estranged daughter to receive paintings in child support settlement

… Way less risky than a laptop.

Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic nose in ‘Maestro’ is not anti-Semitic, Anti-Defamation League says

No word yet from the folks at the Anti-Histamine League.

Australia baffled as unidentified mystery object washes up on beach

George Santos: G’day, mates.

Hurricane and earthquake hit SoCal at same time for first time ever

… that never happened before the Covid vaccines. Hmmmm …

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)

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Candice has inherited some legacy C++ code. It’s legacy enough, for example, that there are about 15 definitions of a boolean, depending which headers you include. It contains, in Candice’s words, “an ambitious attempt to #undef return”.

In short, there are plenty of horrors in the code. But this particular short snippet is the one that drew Candice’s attention.

#define NEGATE_VALUE(x) ( -1 * x )

If only there were some convenient symbol or operator that allowed us to negate a numeric value. Some way we could take, say, a 1, and make it negative, maybe by putting a - in front of it, e.g., -1. And maybe that could also work with variables, so we could write -x to represent the negation of x.

The macro isn’t wrong, it’s just useless in a way that makes me puzzle about what the underlying motivation was. I can’t understand why someone would write this, and even once it’s written, I don’t understand why anyone would use this macro. And yet, it was.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

There is nowhere on the planet that he could possibly get a fair trial, Trump says, demanding a ‘bigly’ change of venue.

SNN intergalactic justice reporter Flash Gordon Galactica states that recently much-indicted former US President Donald Trump said that he could not get a fair trial anywhere on earth. Therefore, in a landmark move, he is petitioning the Universal Intergalactic Supreme Court of Justice to get a celestial change of venue, and have all of his upcoming trials heard there.

Mr. Trump’s first step in this process was to hire the universal law firm of Starlite, Starbrite and Blackhole, whose main office is on The Planet ZZZZZ.

According to Executive firm partner Gbabit Blackhole, there are many obstacles to Mr. Trump’s petition. The first one being that the main court is in its 83rd year of hearing the trial of the Evil Emperor of The Planet Mongo Ming the Merciless, who is acussed of spreading Purple Death Dust across the Universe in order to conquer it. The trial began in 1940. The main court is on The Planet Zardoc.

The closest to Earth sub court is on The Planet Ziggyasse. Travel from Earth to Ziggyasse takes 24 years. Mr. Trump would be almost 100 years old when his trial began.

Another problem according to 2RVDJUDGE, the court’s chief justice, is that the court has never conducted a trial involving beings from the Planet Earth and that several of his fellow justices had never heard of the Planet Earth and are uncertain if they should become involved in the political antics of an obscure lesser planet.

Mr. Blackhole stated that the solution could be to set up a temporary court on the moon just to hear Mr.Trump’s cases.

SNN Words to Live By

“Prevention is preferable to cure.” — The Hippocratic Oath.

“On my honor, I will do my best.” — The Boy Scout Oath.

“All things change, but the truth, and the truth alone lives on forever.” — The Lone Ranger Creed.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

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