Beyond the Affair: Rebuilding Trust When ‘Hot Sex’ Isn’t the Real Problem – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

My partner and I met almost 2 years ago and moved quickly into a serious relationship and soon living together. The sex slowed down very quickly and a lot of life stuff began happening.

Then he had an affair.

He says he was in love with her and was very physically attracted to her and the sex was mind blowing for him. He loves me and sees me as the one to spend his life with but doesn’t feel the same connection with me.

How can I help him see me as fun and sexy? Side note I am a smaller plus sized woman. The woman he had an affair with is very fit and otherwise we are both very pretty. He says he’s not shallow and it’s not my weight but it’s the only physical aspect I can find.

Longing for Lost Passion

Dear Longing for Lost Passion,

It’s so easy to focus on the “wrong stuff” when it comes to an affair. For example, “physical attraction” and “mind-blowing sex” seem the most important (and painful) elements for him to point out, but as Mrs Campbell once said: “Wedlock is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise lounge.”

In other words, a committed intimate relationship is always going to be more emotionally challenging than a “hot, sexy thing” that blows your mind but you don’t see as “long term” material. 

It’s the nature of the thing.

The issue for you to consider is not your fitness or your body shape. It’s how you feel about being in a serious relationship with someone who hasn’t been faithful to you for such trivial reasons. 

He could have approached you ahead of time and talked about a woman he met and wanted to start an affair with. He could have been upfront with you and given you the choice to decide whether you were on board. This could have been an insightful conversation about how to improve your intimate relationship. But you were told after the fact. You weren’t given the option. He wanted to make both his choice AND your choice, which is inherently unfair in an intimate relationship.

That’s part one.

The second part is that you feel it is your job to convince him that you are fun and sexy. Why? If he can’t see that already, he may not be the (unfaithful) man for you. Your focus is wrong. You focus on what’s wrong with you. What’s wrong with HIM?

Hot sex isn’t ever a reason to be unfaithful or a justification after the fact. I would go one step further: I would argue that a casual affair, for some people, is the only time when they can experience such intense desire. When they are “all caged up” emotionally with someone they want to spend their life with, their desire evaporates.

Affairs, then, are the valve that releases the pressure. Affairs are a way to create emotional distance when the relationship feels too intimate.

Worse, this man has framed the issue as a “you” problem instead of a “him” problem. My hunch is that this soul-mate relationship and deep love and passion with this woman would evaporate in a few years if he became emotionally involved with her and lived with her, as it did with you.

Bernie Zilbergeld conducted research back in the 1990’s. It was in the practice of sex therapy with couples in which weight was an issue. The research concluded successfully in most cases without anyone’s body changing. Except in the most extreme cases, it’s not about the body; it’s about each person in the body and how they manage being in an intimate relationship.

Sex is about the ability to communicate your feelings to another human being. It’s not about genitals, orgasms, “hot” interactions, or sudden romance. It’s the consistent capacity to remain close friends over long periods. When you have such a friendship, you want to express your feelings toward this delightful person physically. You want to hug, kiss, arouse, and make them happy. What you do is less important than your capacity and willingness to express your feelings about them.

In your relationship, the two of you stopped doing that with any intensity. And instead of working with you on it, as a friend would do, he found someone else he could have sex with. That’s not being a true friend. And his explanation? He WANTS her physically, but he will settle for you. That’s not a good deal, in my opinion. 

You deserve someone willing to work to improve a relationship in your current body. After all, your body will constantly change in your 5th, 6th or 7th decade. Demand the “whole deal,” desire and all, now, and don’t settle for less. Look for a true friend who is capable of honesty and a commitment to working things out.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K