Loss of any kind shakes my soul. A part of me is diminished. Swept away in a tide of tears, even if those tears do not fall from my eyes.
Feelings in my body as the electric connection is disrupted, short circuiting, searching for peace and flow again.
Sharp, painful shocks manifesting as anger, fear, doubt, confusion. Question upon question bubbling around and around, searching for answers that might quell the discomfort and unease.
Festering.
Gnawing, frightening, unwanted visitor, go away.
I don’t want to feel you. It hurts.
If I just ignore it, or justify by blame outside of myself, then that will do it.
Temporaily.
It goes, I soften.
It’s Ok. Time has healed. I fill my thoughts with more pleasant ones and convince myself I’m in control.
Sudden, unexpected. Shock. Not my fault. Not my fault.
What fills the space that such love dwelled?
Create more love? Love is never ending after all.
Do I really know what love is? The power of it?
Can I send it to the deepest hurts? The people I lost? The reasons for loss?
Can I love those I don’t agree with? That hurt me? That made me question myself? Made me vulnerable.
Where there is loss there has to be love, or grief will never heal, just concealed in a tangle of emotions and reasons I use as shields. Never getting to break the patterns.
The same opportunities come again and again. In different disguises until I see a different way.
Then just when I think I’ve nailed it, another one comes.
Each time, taking the spiral higher. Shaking me awake.
Eternal beings, growth and loss, loss and growth.
I sit quietly, take away my excuses, stop looking to others to confirm me.
I soften the void for a while.
Close the gap.
Know the glorious unconditional love is teaching me. It has my back.
Nothing ever really dies.
Just moves through us, as us.
Expressions of perfectness masquerading as imperfectness.
All is well, all is well, all is well.
lovepda
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